Raise Hell
by Asshatry
Summary: Doveport is a little community just trying to survive in the apocalypse. Elle finally feels like she's found a home…and then she meets Negan. (SLOWBURN)
1. Chapter 1: People Like That

It had been four months since we had found the settlement. After spending so long scavenging for supplies, fending off walkers, and losing loved ones, we came across other survivors that weren't immediately hostile. Eric, Amy and I had been travelling for god only knew how long, and had almost given up completely when the people of this little community had taken us in. They fed us, gave us new clothes, and had even given us our own bedrooms. It felt surreal. **  
**

Ever since the world ended, I didn't take anything for granted. Especially human kindness, which was apparently a dying trait. Most people these days were selfish and greedy; most don't trust anyone that isn't one of their own. So when Philip had given us shelter and opened his doors to my friends and I, I had no idea how to express my gratitude. What do you give for something so priceless in this world of hell–for a chance at survival and to know that your friends weren't in immediate danger?

I was finally embracing our new situation: we were safe. At least… for now.

I sat in his office, in the chair opposite of his desk and the man himself. He was middle aged and the person everyone had chosen to lead the little place known as "Doveport." It was a settlement built inside of an old private high school, with a giant stone wall surrounding the entire school, which keeps the walkers out. Philip's office had formerly been the principal's. He had no hair; his bald head always seemed to shine much like his personality. He was friendly, but strong and capable. I was still young and wasn't so naive to think I couldn't learn from people like Philip–good people. He was proof there was still good in this world. I had almost given up on that.

Philip smiled genuinely at me as he sat down in the swivel chair and began to pour a bottle of whiskey into a glass. He offered it to me, but I put my hand up rejecting the offer silently.

"Not a whiskey girl, huh?" He chuckled and took a swig of the liquid before I could answer. I shrugged and looked at a painting on the wall of his office not really taking it in, lost in thought.

"I guess I don't drink much," I mumbled the words thoughtlessly and then looked back to Philip changing the subject. "Eric said you wanted to talk to me about something."

I was shocked to see Philip's expression turned grim. It wasn't a common sight. Even when giving orders on dispatching the living dead, he was usually jovial. When I had first met him, I had been put off by his laid back and cheerful demeanor. How had someone like him survived this long in a world so unforgiving? I learned fast that Philip's personality did not hinder his ability to take out walkers. His lack of seriousness was strange, but kind of comforting. Now he was frowning at me and it was more than off putting.

"We have a problem, Ellie." Philip looked into my eyes with a strange expression I hadn't seen on him before.

Worry? Fear? I didn't like how it looked on him.

"A really big problem…." He continued, looking away from me and down at the desk in front of him, as if he was defeated in coming up with ideas on solving this unnamed issue. "Amy came back from scavenging. She said she met some people while she was out and they were friendly, but they warned us about a serious threat."

I stayed quiet and listened carefully to Philip, noting my friend was now back home safe. Amy and Eric had been a couple before the outbreak and the two had met me long after the dead were eating the living. The three of us had always stuck together, no matter what.

"There's a group out there harassing survivors. They threaten, hurt and kill anyone that dares to defy them. And by the sounds of it, they are headed in our direction." He was still solemnly looking at the wooden desk in front of him.

"Amy said the people she met were on the run from them. This threat, these Saviors… that's what they call themselves. Can you believe that?" Philip shook his head in disgust and then looked up at me. "I'm not afraid of the undead. I'm afraid of people like that."

I nodded silently, still confused as why Philip was telling me–of all people–this. What could I do?

As if reading my mind, Philip continued to answer my question. "Amy didn't get a lot of information from the people that fled the Saviors. I think we need to be as prepared as possible for if and when they show up. We need to have a plan ready on how we proceed with this new situation. We need to know their numbers…how many are there?" Philip stood up and started pacing about his office, thinking out loud. "I need you to go back to the people Amy met with and learn as much as you can. Are you okay with that?" He turned and looked at me.

"Of course," I answered without hesitation. It was the least I could do after everything he had done for me and my friends. When I had first come to Doveport, I had set out to prove myself to the new community. I had scavenged supplies with Amy and Eric and found plenty of food, water, and other necessities.

Still… I couldn't help but wonder…why me?

Philip smiled softly at me. "I knew I could count on you, kid."

He headed back to the desk, bringing out a map before us and laid it out across the desk. He was showing me where the people Amy had met were located, and he circled the spot with a pen. He then folded up the map, handing it to me.

"Can I bring Amy and Eric with me?" I asked, clutching the map in my hand and looking to Philip for permission. I didn't want to get lost and figured having Amy with would probably be wise.

"That's up to them." He chuckled. Philip was in charge of Doveport, but he mostly let people come and go as they pleased and wasn't as controlling as he could be.

I smiled back at him and turned to leave his office, thoughts of my new mission flooding my head when Philip interrupted my racing mind.

"Be careful, Ellie."

I turned to look back at him and the serious look was back. In only four months, Philip and I had formed a close friendship, so of course he was worried for me. Doveport had skated by in the last year; the community knew how to handle walkers, but they had never faced danger quite like this.

"Always." I grinned at him, trying to be as reassuring as possible. He smiled back, but the worry never left his eyes.

* * *

It was mid day as I marched through the woods, Amy and Eric close on my heels. I wasn't surprised when they had agreed to travel with me. My friends always had my back when it came to anything. The three of us hadn't really spoke much on the way, trying to stay focused in case any walkers happened to be nearby. Even though it was silent, just having my friends close was a sort of comfort.

I had always been the leader of our little group, but it wasn't by choice. Amy was a feisty one. She was short and had long red hair she always kept back in a tight ponytail. Her small size wasn't to be taken for granted, as I had watched her kill plenty of walkers; but Amy hated fighting. Before the outbreak, she had worked in a salon and was the typical "girly girl," spending most of her paychecks on designer bags and pedicures, but had completely adapted to the new world. Amy would still scavenge for an occasional bottle of nail polish and even the large bag she carried with her was some expensive pink shoulder bag she had found in a house months back. I admired her for still staying true to herself, even if it seemed silly given our circumstances.

Eric was like a young Philip–kindhearted, but still strong enough to deal with the undead. He had brown hair that Amy helped him cut and keep short. He wasn't big; his body was more on the thin side, but his muscles could always be seen through his shirt. Eric didn't talk much about life before, but occasionally told stories about college. He had been going to school to be a teacher, and Amy had teased him about living at Doveport, a former school of all places. They had met through a mutual friend.–someone they had lost long before they met me. They both didn't like to talk about it.

I had never considered myself a leader, but I was definitely more outspoken than the two of them. Before the walkers, I had been a clerk at a grocery store. I had hated my job and used to spend most of my work time day-dreaming. I remembered how bad my feet used to hurt and how the long hours had felt like torture. Now I'd give anything to go back to those simple times.

I wasn't really sure what had happened, but somewhere along the way something changed in me. I had never been shy or quiet, but I decided in order to survive I wasn't willing to accept defeat or put up with bullshit. That mentality–that fake confidence had carried me this far. Amy and Eric respected me for it and really thought I was the badass I pretended to be. In reality, I knew I was still that silly cashier girl fantasizing about a better life.

"It's just up here," Amy said, taking the lead and surprising me. It wasn't like Amy to take charge, but the situation was also new. We hadn't had to deal with the threat of people in a long time. And incredibly, we'd never had to kill anyone.

The thick trees thinned out to expose a small valley.

"Oh my god!" Amy exclaimed freezing in her tracks. I approached the spot where Amy was standing and looked across the way. A large house sat alone in the field and it was on fire. The flames crackled fast and bright. It appeared the fire had just started.

"That's where they were staying!" Amy's voice was frantic and she went to head towards the house but Eric grabbed her arm.

"Look!" He said, pointing towards the house. A group of men with guns stood outside the house, aiming at the front doors as if waiting for people to come out. We watched in horror as a man came running out of the burning house only to be gunned down. His lifeless body fell forwards down the front steps.

Amy gasped and I grabbed her arm, pulling her back into the trees. Eric followed suit and we huddled down in the forest, watching the horror show before us.

A woman exited the house with her hands above her head as if in surrender. I held my breath waiting for the sound of gunfire to echo out.

It didn't. One of the men grabbed the woman by the arm and threw her on the ground in front of him. She stayed down in a kneeling position and didn't move.

"What do we do?" Eric's voice startled me. I could hear the fear in his voice.

"I don't know," I said. The men were still watching the front doors closely.

A twig snapped next to us and all three of us jumped. Quick as a flash, I pulled out my knife and Eric aimed his gun, twisting towards the forest behind us expecting to see a walker sneaking up. Instead, a skinny blonde haired teenager poked his head out from behind a tree. His eyes were wide with fear and he clutched the tree he stood behind like his life depended on it.

"You-you're not with th-them…." His voice was shaky and he spoke slow, and remained still. I shook my head in response and took a step towards the boy, doing my best not to appear as a threat.

"No. We're not," I said and slowly sheathed the knife. I carefully watched him, unsure if he was dangerous or not.

His eyes flickered over our faces and landed on Amy's. She seemed to do the same and before I could react, he came out from behind the tree.

"Amy…" He said her name hesitantly. She nodded and looked at me. "It's okay. I know him. His name is Danny. He was with the group that escaped."

The boy approached us, and I could smell the smoke before he was even close.

"The Saviors found you guys?" Amy asked, looking at him concerned.

"Yeah," He whispered watching the burning house. "I snuck out the back. My friends…" He trailed off and just stared at the flames that continued to rise. I looked over too to see that three more people had exited the house and were now kneeling on the ground along with the woman.

"I'm so sorry, Danny." Amy's voice brought me back to the situation in front of me and I turned to look at the young man. "These are my friends, Eric and Elle." He nodded as Amy introduced us.

"You should head home. They're gonna find you guys soon. Maybe you can get out of here before they hurt you too."

Amy walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing it as if she was trying to comfort him.

"Come back with us. We'll keep you safe."

Danny looked at her as if he was unsure, and then back to the scene outside of the house. The Saviors were now loading up the four survivors into their trucks, still holding them at gunpoint.

"Okay," he said simply and looked at the ground. He looked defeated. I felt bad for the kid.

The fire was huge as its flames licked out into sky. I knew the bright heat would start attracting walkers soon. We didn't stick around to see them show up and instead started making our way back to Doveport.

We were fortunate not to run into any of the dead on our way back. Usually that would have meant we had a successful mission, but I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach. Those Saviors had gunned down that man like he was nothing. If these people showed up on our doorstep, we would be in trouble.

I was relieved when we returned to find they hadn't found Doveport yet. A man named Seth guarded the front gate during the day and greeted us with a smile. He rose an eyebrow at Danny, but didn't say anything. Philip was outside helping a woman named Vivienne when we drove up and parked in what had previously been the faculty parking lot. I got out of the car and headed over to the large vegetable garden that provided food to members of our community. Vivienne was kneeling on the soil and had seeds laid out before her. She had created this impressive bounty in only a few months and had kept people from starving. She smiled at me as I approached the small mesh wire around her plants.

"Hello, Elle," she greeted me with a kind smile and continued to work from her spot on the ground. Vivienne was in her mid to late 40's and had long brown, greying hair that she always kept in a braid. She was a heavier woman, but she still looked so incredibly beautiful even in the apocalypse. She had always been kind to me and the community loved her.

"Hey Viv," I smiled back at her and then looked over to Philip who had been digging spots in the soil for the seeds to be placed.

"I need to talk to you, Philip," I said, trying my best to sound nonchalant. "Whenever you have some time," I added, hoping not to sound desperate or rude.

"I'll meet you in my office in five minutes. Just gonna finish helping out Vivienne here." He grinned at me and I nodded in response, turning from the garden. Something I loved about Doveport was the teamwork. We all worked hard to keep things running smoothly and it paid off. We had a lot of food because of Vivienne's hard work in the garden. We all had helped her at some point, but really it was her expertise that had guaranteed we wouldn't sleep with empty stomachs.

I headed inside and Eric was standing with Danny in the main entrance. I realized I hadn't really done what Philip had asked me to do, but I could still talk to Danny and maybe get some answers about The Saviors.

"Hey Danny, can I ask you some questions?" I headed over to where they were standing. I felt perhaps I was being too direct and not empathetic enough seeing as he had just watched one of his friends die.

"About what?"

"What can you tell me about The Saviors?" I felt bad for rushing him into this interrogation but part of me was hoping he could give us some information that could help keep us safe. I figured I could just bring him into the meeting with Philip too.

He sighed and looked at the ground. I looked over at Eric who pursed his lips to the side and slightly shrugged.

"I used to live at their place. The Sanctuary." He looked up at me with a stone serious look etched on his face. "Their leader is a man named Negan."

"Negan?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "What kind of name is Negan?"

"He's in charge of all of them. And there's a lot. Probably hundreds. I don't know."

Danny looked up at me with wide eyes as if he was remembering something.

"He's horrible," he whispered and I saw him clench his fists. "He beats people to death. He burns people's faces if they break rules. He's a monster."

Danny sniffled and I realized he was trying not to cry.

"He likes women, though," he said and I furrowed my brow at him.

"Women?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah. He doesn't like killing girls. He's done it but he mostly just kills men. He has a bunch of wives and they don't have to work like everyone else."

"Wives?!" Eric scoffed. I looked up to see him shaking his head in disbelief.

"Yeah," Danny confirmed. "And then there's Lucille."

I was just about to ask who Lucille was when Philip came through the doors in a rush. We turned to greet him and I felt my heart skip when I saw the look on his face. He was pale white.

"They're here."


	2. Chapter 2: Deceive

Philip looked over to me. I exhaled slowly and closed my eyes trying to come up with a plan. This couldn't be happening. Not right now. When I opened my eyes, I saw Danny's frantic face.

Knowing it would only be a matter of seconds before we had to confront them, I turned to Eric and spoke quickly.

"Bring Danny to the locker rooms and keep him hidden there."

Eric nodded and both him and Danny headed towards the back of the school. I turned to Philip and he watched the two disappear down a hallway.

"Who is that?!" Philip asked frantically, confused about why Danny was here.

"I'll explain later," I said, looking out the window. Four large trucks had pulled up right out front and there were men and women with guns, rounding up the Doveporters that had been outside. I could see Vivienne standing with the rest of the group, looking around confused. A man with a gun was approaching the doors and he made eye contact with me.

"Phil, I need you to trust me on this. When they ask us who is in charge, we have to tell them it's me."

"Why?" Philip demanded, looking out the glass window on the door seeing that the man was almost to us.

"Just please trust me," I repeated, reaching out and grabbing his arm hoping he would cooperate.

"Okay." Philip's confirmation that he would be willing to play along was all I needed to relax a little bit and I nodded at him confidently as the door opened and a gun was aimed right in my face.

"Outside! Now!" The man barked, and I put my hands up and nodded my head, moving forward through the door and outside to the front of the school. Seth, Amy, and Vivienne were now standing next to one another with their hands out too. About ten other Doveporters had joined them.

Seth had opened the gate to let these men in and their trucks were parked haphazardly throughout the parking lot. The armed man led us to the rest of our group, and as Philip and I reached the others, I noticed we were completely surrounded by the Saviors. Some of them were wielding guns and others had melee weapons. All of them were scowling at us. I watched two men go into the school and I hoped like hell they wouldn't find Danny and Eric.

A sharp whistle had me twisting my head to the side. I tried to see who had made the shrill noise, but was suddenly shoved to the payment. My hands shot out to catch my fall and I could see that the others were being forced down too. I didn't feel like I could look up and instead stared at the cement. Two black boots approached us and stopped right in front of me.

"Which of you sorry fucks runs this shit show?" A low, velvet voice rang out right in front of me. I swallowed hard and looked up.

He stared down at Philip who was looking straight at me.

He was tall, with slicked back black hair and a salt and pepper beard he kept trimmed. He was wearing a black leather jacket and a red scarf tied around his neck. He was older, but much like Vivienne, had aged well. These days, people usually looked bent out of shape, dirty, and disheveled. He looked clean. He looked handsome. He looked like someone from before the walkers. Well, he would have if it wasn't for the barbed wire baseball bat he had slung over his shoulder. It was like something out of a movie and I couldn't help but stare.

"You?!" he asked, slightly surprised, turning to look at me. I nodded, and realized the rest of Doveport didn't know about this lie I was about to spin. I hoped no one would speak up. We needed him to believe I was in charge. If he had a soft spot for women, me being the leader might benefit Doveport. We had to at least try.

"Yes, sir," I said, meeting his gaze. He was regarding me intently and then he crouched, his face inches away and smirked.

"Well hot damn! What's your name, doll?" he asked, his eyes burning into mine. I continued to hold his gaze, despite the fact I wanted to drop it now that his attention was turned on me.

"Elle," I answered. "And you're Negan."

Confirming what had been my educated guess, he grinned at me with wide eyes as if my knowledge of who he was brought him great joy. He brought a hand up to his beard and rubbed it, watching me and then he stood up and started to address his men.

"Did you fucking hear that? My reputation precedes me!" He outstretched his arms like he was putting on a show. When he turned back to me, he paused for a few seconds as if he was taking me in. I watched his eyes trail down my body and then back up to my face.

"So _Elle_ ," He put emphasis on my name. "How the fuck did you hear about me? Were you gossiping with the girlfriends?" He walked up close to me and bent down again, his face nearing mine. This man didn't seem to understand personal space.

"Some people we met told us," I responded carefully, not daring to tell him it was Danny. They were probably looking for him and I needed to select my words carefully.

Negan rose his eyebrows at this.

"Just some people?" he questioned.

"Yes, sir. My people met them on a scavenging run." It was only a half lie. Doveport wasn't mine, but Amy had been scavenging when she met Negan's runaways.

"Well shit." He looked at me so amused. He pursed his lips and then cocked an eyebrow. "Then you know what happened to them?"

"No," I answered. I was surprised at how composed I sounded. I wanted to throw up.

He regarded me intently and suddenly the doors to the school opened. The man that had ordered us outside previously came outside with more Doveporters, who all looked scared and confused. They joined the rest of us on the ground. I was relieved to see Eric and Danny were not among them.

Negan beamed as the rest of the community was gathered. There was about fifteen of us total; I had always thought our group was fairly large, but now that we were standing in front of Negan's Saviors I felt like we were minuscule. He scanned their faces until he looked back at me.

"Nice little community you got here, Elle. I think you guys have a lot of fucking potential!" He approached me and I felt a lump form in my throat. My nerves were already shot.

"Potential for what?" I asked, choosing to be straightforward with him. He chuckled darkly.

"Stand the fuck up," he ordered. I wasted no time in doing as he said. I stood up on my feet and looked up at him. He was swearing a lot and I wondered if he did that to be intimidating.

He took a step and was even closer, his smile growing impossibly bigger.

"Damn girl, you just fucking met me and you're already doing as I say. I fuckin' love it!" He laughed and then his expression turned serious. The sudden change alarmed me. He went from joking to being dead serious in a matter of seconds.

"This little community here isn't yours anymore, understand? It's mine. You all work for me now."

I nodded obediently, hoping my submissive responses would make a good first impression. I knew what these men were capable of and I wasn't about to lose anyone.

"You will provide supplies every week. And not shitty no-good garbage. I mean real prime shit. Might have to go on a few more pick-up runs than you motherfuckers are used to, but it is in your best fucking interest to please the piss outta me and my men."

"Okay." My voice came out in a whisper.

"What was that?" He cupped his ear and leaned towards me.

"Yes, sir," I spoke a little louder.

It became silent and I stared at him with wide eyes not knowing what else to do. I felt like everything needed to be okayed by him–that I needed permission to speak or move. I watched him, waiting for his response.

Negan stared me down and then grinned again.

"Adam! Start getting me my shit." He continued looking at me as he ordered at one of his men. A man covered from head to toe in tattoos started walking towards the school along with a few other Saviors. I turned my head to watch them go inside and my heart pounded even harder. If they found Danny, we would be in serious trouble.

I jumped as a gloved hand gently took my jaw and turned my head to face forward. My eyes widened in fear and I fought the instinct to pull away. He looked so entertained.

"Over here, doll." He dictated. "Now, this is usually the part where I beat some unlucky bastard's fucking head in to reiterate just how motherfucking serious I am. But you get it, don't you, Elle?"

"Yes," I blurted. "Please don't."

"Please?!" He bellowed. It made a few Doveporters flinch, his raised voice startling them. "Those are some good fucking manners built into you, doll. My people must have painted a real good fucking picture of me, huh? Told you how to respond to me? How to submit? Hell, you are making this whole process too fuckin' easy." He leaned even closer to me.

"But if I wanna bash someone's fucking brains in, someone's brains are gonna get fucking bashed."

I swallowed hard and he saw.

"But! You did say please…" He leaned in so he was only inches from my face. I didn't dare breathe. It was like this was some kind of unspoken test of my resolve. Except if I failed, lives would be lost. I wanted to get everyone through this, so as much as I wanted to roll my eyes or scoff at his ridiculous demeanor, I bit my tongue.

He turned like he was going to leave, but then spun back around to face me, twirled the bat in his hand, and then pointed it in my face. My eyes focused on the sharp barbed wire wrapped around the smooth wood mere centimeters from my nose

"Elle, meet Lucille," he said, grinning wide.

I stared at the bat. It had a name. The name Danny had mentioned before Negan had arrived. I didn't know how to react so I remained frozen. Negan chuckled and then placed the so-called Lucille back on his shoulder.

"I fucking love that you're being such a good girl for me right now, Elle. But I know there's more to it. See, some of my ungrateful people didn't like how I was running things and so they decided to leave. Took a lot of my shit."

He peered down at me and after he didn't say anything for a bit I answered him.

"I don't know where they are."

"I do," Negan said in a sing-song voice. "Well.. most of them. I'm missing my good friend. Oh, Danny boy. He's probably scared fuckin' shitless. But you see, Johnny already paid the price for their little endeavor and because I'm such a merciful fucking guy, all has been forgiven." I wondered if Johnny was the man we watched them execute at the burning house.

"I really like that kid," he said, and he turned his attention to the school and regarded it. His expression was hard to read and he almost seemed distracted by the brick building.

"If we find Danny, we'll send him home," I said quickly, hoping it would please him. He was still looking at the school. I was nervous he was going to discover we were sheltering the very person he was looking for inside.

"This place got a gymnasium?" he asked and I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"Yes."

"Got lots of sports equipment?" He turned and looked at me quizzically.

"Yeah. It's got a few things." I spoke slowly, and felt thrown off. Why would he give a shit about the gym?

Negan grinned at me.

"It is like fucking Christmas up in here."

Just then the doors to the school opened and Adam came out carrying a box in his arms. I could see some weapons sticking out from the box, a large cooler of water, and a tennis racket, but couldn't see the rest of the items. I tilted my head to try and get a better angle to see and Negan stepped into my line of sight, blocking me.

"You don't need to worry your pretty little head about that, Elle. All of this belongs to me now."

I had tried hard to keep myself from glaring but my expression slipped and Negan noticed it immediately. He laughed and went over to look in the box, and pulled out a can of fruit. He nodded and pointed at the truck for Adam to load it up still holding the can.

"I know this isn't what you want, but you'll learn to appreciate what we do for you, Elle. You keep me happy, you follow the rules and everything is going to be peachy." He set the can down in front of me. They were peaches. I wanted to chuck them at him.

"Repeat the rules, Elle." His joking expression turned cold and serious again and as I stared down at the peaches, I answered.

"We belong to you. We provide for you." I sounded like a robot programmed to obey him.

"See? That wasn't so fucking bad." He winked at me and then ordered his men to leave. They all did as he said immediately, putting their guns down and marching towards the trucks.

"I'll be back in a week for my shit. And boy, do I have a fucking feeling you are going to go above and beyond for me, Elle!"

"We will do our best." I felt on edge. He grinned showing pearly white teeth, and then turned and walked towards the rest of his men.

I stared in disbelief, not sure if this first encounter went well or not. I turned to watch Negan as he got inside the passenger side of one of the trucks. He looked straight at me and waved. I didn't move.

The trucks sped off out of the school, leaving our main gate wide open but no one got up to close it. The others were still kneeling, probably still trying to comprehend what had just happened. I stared off into space. Had I done a good job? Would Phil have done better?

I exhaled loudly and closed my eyes. Time would tell. Negan would be at our door in a week. No one had gotten hurt now, but if we didn't deliver he wouldn't be happy. If he found out about Danny, we would suffer the consequences.

We needed to start gathering supplies. We needed to impress him. We needed to survive.

Because right then and there, we all belonged to Negan.


	3. Chapter 3: Trust Me

Everyone was quiet as the trucks drove off. I was the only one standing as the other Doveporters still remained kneeling on the ground. I didn't know how to move or what to say. Finally, after for what seemed like an eternity, Seth's voice broke the silence.

"What the hell just happened?" He stood up and turned his attention on Philip. The others seemed to take his movement as permission for them to get up too. Slowly everyone made it to their feet.

"Did I miss something? Is Elle in charge now?" Amy asked.

I turned to look at Philip and found he was staring right at me with a worrisome expression. He was probably just as confused as the others, and I knew if we were going to pull this lie off, we were going to have to communicate to everyone what was going on.

"Where is Eric?" Amy asked, looking around at the faces among us. She started to get frantic when some nearby bushes rustled. Everyone's' heads turned to see Eric and Danny emerge.

"Oh thank god!" Amy exclaimed running over to Eric and throwing her arms around his neck. He kissed her and then they walked over to where everyone else was still standing.

"They didn't find you?" I asked, completely perplexed at how they could have managed to pull that off. The school wasn't that big, and there weren't many hiding places.

"Danny told me we would be a lot safer if we snuck out that back and hid in the trees. He figured Negan's men would scope out the place, and he was right." Eric smiled down at Danny who was looking at the open gate with worry. Seth took that as his cue to go shut the gate.

"What do we do now?" Vivienne's voice showcased the worry I was feeling at the moment. My plan was to do what Negan wanted, but I really needed to talk to Phil to hear what he thought.

"We need Negan to believe I'm in charge. And this is Danny, the boy Negan is looking for." Elle gestured to Danny who shyly smiled at the curious faces studying him. "He told me Negan has a soft spot when it comes to women. We might be able to deal with him easier if he thinks I'm running things instead of Phil."

Seth joined us after closing the gate and caught the tail end of my speech. He snorted and crossed his arms.

"So much for equal rights."

"I know it sounds crazy but we need to cooperate with the Saviors," I explained. "We watched them gun down an unarmed man earlier." I turned to look at Phil and he was still looking at me with that same alarmed expression. He hadn't spoke in a while and it was making me very uneasy.

"This meeting went really well, actually," Danny pointed out. "Eric and I were watching. Negan wasn't joking when he said he kills people to prove a point–he kills people all the time."

"I get that Negan is dangerous, but who is running Doveport? Is Phil still in charge?" Amy asked, looking at me. I didn't really know what to tell her–I was still confused about the specifics.

"Doveport is a democracy," Phil finally spoke and I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief at the sound of his voice. "I've never considered myself in charge, no matter how much you've considered me your leader. But for the sake of keeping things safe, I recommend that while Negan and his men are here you treat Elle like she is the leader."

I smiled at him, hoping he believed that I could handle this new situation, especially seeing as I had just pulled us through our first meeting unharmed. We made eye contact and he didn't return my warm gesture, which had me wondering if he was upset with me.

"All that matters is that we work together. Doesn't matter if it's me or Elle. Negan is in charge now."

We all stood in the parking lot, absorbing his words. He was right–Negan ran the show. Now we had to worry about feeding ourselves and getting him weekly supplies. Surviving was already difficult but now our lives were on the line if we didn't deliver. And he may have a fondness for women, but I imagined he wouldn't hesitate to crack my skull if I didn't do what he asked.

The other Doveporters started to make their way back into the school. Vivienne asked Danny if he was hungry and brought him with her back inside.

"We could go scavenging," Eric suggested as he walked over to me.

I shook my head.

"No, it's too late today. We can start tomorrow. Negan said we have a week."

Eric nodded and he took Amy's hand, following after the others who disappeared inside the school. Then it was just Phil and I left standing outside. I didn't know what to say, and wondered if I should apologize when Phil let out a deep sigh.

"I don't feel good about this, Ellie," he mumbled, using the nickname he had given me since the day we met. I used to tease him that it was longer than my already incredibly short name but it stuck. Now there was that damn frown on his face matched with the worry lines. I hated that he was looking at me like this. Phil was supposed to be an easy-going guy; now he looked like a nervous wreck.

"We should have just told Negan the truth." He walked closer to me and put a hand on my upper shoulder.

"It's a little late for that, isn't it?" I teased, smiling a bit. I was hoping being light hearted would ease the tension from our encounter with Negan. When he didn't soften, I sighed.

"Things went well today, Phil. If we can do good by him, we will all be fine. You just need to trust me."

"I do trust you. I just don't wanna see anyone get hurt. Especially you, now that you're filling my shoes." He squeezed my shoulder. "If they hurt you because you're pretending to be in charge…" He trailed off and shook his head, as if the very idea made him ill.

"I don't wanna see anyone get hurt either. That's why I want to be in charge. If Negan kills me, you're still here to run Doveport."

"If Negan finds out and you get hurt, I'll never forgive myself." Phil let out another sigh and then he smiled warmly at me. "Thank you–for stepping up like this. And for thinking about my community. You're a good kid, Ellie." With that, he turned and walked to the school to go in like the others.

I stood alone outside and turned to look at the gates. We had one week to get Negan his supplies, but what about the weeks after that? And what happened if he discovered we had lied to him?

I couldn't help but wonder if I had just make a huge mistake.

* * *

Four days later, Amy and Eric joined me on a scavenging run. Although we were working for Negan and had to quite literally search like our lives depended on it, it was nice to get out with my friends. The last couple days had been about getting organized and setting up teams of people to go out and search different towns.

Unfortunately for us, most of the local areas had been completely ransacked. We had to drive hours just to find a new place, and most of the time these places had also been completely looted. While Amy and Eric had formed one team, other Doveporters joined forces to head out themselves. I had stayed back at the school to help Vivienne and Philip try and harvest some vegetables from the garden in preparation to give to the Saviors.

But after a few days of digging in the dirt, I decided I wanted to test my luck beyond the wall. Eric sat behind the wheel of one of the few cars we owned. Amy was next to him; she was staring out the passenger side window, watching for anything interesting. I was in the back, my attention on the left-hand side. As we sped down the highway, I was surprised at how quiet they both were.

Seeing as my attention was in full focus out the back window, I was startled when Eric hit the breaks and the car came to a full stop in the middle of the road.

"Jesus, Eric! What the hell?!" Amy shouted, scowling at him.

"Look," Eric instructed and he pointed at the road before us.

There were hundreds of cars all stuck in a permanent traffic jam, leading down the highway as far as the eye could see. It was a reminder of everything that had led up to now: the outbreak started and people panicked; many tried to leave the cities or flocked to them. Now their vehicles were abandoned forever, lined up and down the highway.

And they were all ours.

Eric drove the car closer to the traffic jam and we got out, eager to start searching for anything we could bring to Negan.

"We could siphon the gas from the cars," Eric said, looking around to make sure we were safe. "But we'll have to come back here. I don't have a tube on hand."

"Be careful, you guys," I said, pulling on my backpack. "There might be a few walkers roaming around here."

Amy and Eric nodded and then the three of us walked towards the cars. We opened the first few vehicles and were disappointed when we found they were completely empty.

"I'm going to go up ahead a bit and see if the cars further in have been untouched," Amy said, and then headed into the mess of cars.

"Can I ask you something, Elle?" Eric inquired as we both opened the doors to a large pickup truck, which was empty like the others.

"Shoot," I answered, digging under the seats.

"How were you so calm with Negan? I was watching you from the bushes with Danny, and you didn't even flinch when he was in your face."

If I was being honest with myself, I still didn't know how I had managed it. Realistically, I had wanted to break down and cry, but I felt that if I showed any weakness he would have lashed out.

"I worked public retail before the end of the world. I've dealt with grumpy customers before. I guess I know how to please people."

He laughed at my answer and we moved onto the next car. Eric opened the trunk to find it filled with supplies. There were packs of toilet paper, bottled water, and boxes of food stacked high.

"Hell yes!" Eric exclaimed, and he immediately started unloading the items. "Let's get this back to the car."

I opened the back car door to see even more of the same supplies filling the seats. I couldn't help but smile–finds like these were rare.

Eric and I carried a few supplies back towards our car. Once we loaded a few things up, we drove in the ditch closer so we could load the boxes easier.

"We're lucky we found Danny," Eric mentioned as we continued to carry things.

He was right. We were incredibly lucky we met Danny. It was his insight into Negan that had got us through unscathed.

"It wouldn't have gone as smoothly if we hadn't met him," I said, pulling some blankets out of the back seat.

"They'll be back in a few days. Things can still go wrong," he cautioned my optimism and I turned to look at him.

"I am going to do everything I can to make sure we're safe." My voice sounded so confident but I could see Eric was still unsure. He started to reply when a scream rang out a few cars ahead of us. We both spun quickly at the sound.

"AMY!" Eric yelled, dropping a box he was holding and sprinting in the direction we heard her from. I pulled out my knife and ran after him.

As I approached, I could see Amy was on the ground with a walker on top of her. She was crawling backwards while screaming and trying to push the decaying corpse off her. The walker pulled itself up towards Amy's face and snapped its teeth.

Eric was there in an instant and he yanked the walker off Amy. Once it was away from her, he stabbed it in the side of the head. The lifeless hostile fell to the ground and Amy continued to back away from it, tears streaming down her face.

"Did it bite you?!" Eric asked, crouching next to his girlfriend and staring at her body with wide eyes as he searched for any injuries. Amy shook her head over and over, eyes locked on the dead corpse next to her.

"Thank god." Eric pulled her into his arms and held her there for a while. Amy pressed her face into Eric's chest and tried to catch her breath. I looked around us to make sure there weren't any other threats nearby.

Amy and Eric both stood up and Amy dusted herself off. Her red hair that was usually so neat was now messy and she was covered in dirt. She turned to me after taking a deep breath and smiled a little.

"I'm okay," she reassured and I nodded at her. It was a close one. I wasn't sure how I would handle losing Amy. She was my best friend in this apocalyptic hellhole.

"That bastard snuck up on me when I was going through this," she gestured to a car with its trunk wide open. The three of us approached the vehicle and looked inside.

"It's medicine," Amy explained, taking the lid off one of the many plastic bins stacked inside. "All kinds. And there's a lot of this one called 'microzide.' It's the same kind that John needs." She looked at me with a frown, and I completely understood why.

John was one of the older community members of Doveport, but he was a kind man. It wasn't a secret that John had high blood pressure and needed meds to regulate it. He had ran out months ago and his health was shaky. Now we were looking at the very thing he needed to help him, and Negan was going to take all of it.

"Maybe we can hide it," Eric chimed in, confirming we were all thinking about Negan. "The school has plenty of places we could stash this stuff."

"We've already lied too much to him," Amy said shaking her head. "We have to hand it over."

"I can try and negotiate with him," I suggested, pulling one of the bins out of the car. Either way, we needed to get everything back to Doveport in one piece, and standing around debating was leaving us as walker bait.

Eric nodded at my idea and took a tote out. I turned to look at Amy, who was still frowning at me.

"It might piss him off," she mumbled, and then she let out a deep sigh. She picked up a tote and headed towards our car. "Better make the crazy baseball bat man happy."

We loaded up the rest of the medicine and decided we had enough to head back. We all returned to the car. Eric pulled out of the ditch and headed back down the road away from our great find. We could come back and rummage more in the days to come.

Amy and Eric were unusually quiet on the ride home, and I couldn't help but wonder if they were angry with me. We normally would visit and tell stories to one another on long trips like this; perhaps it was our new predicament that had them so silent. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes, deciding I would take a nap just when Amy's voice had me snapping awake.

"I really thought we would have more time before they found us," she mumbled, and I sat up realizing she was talking about the Saviors.

"I really like Doveport, Elle," she said, turning to look at me in the back seat. "I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"Same here," I replied. "I did what I thought was right."

"I know." Her expression changed to empathy. She wasn't mad at me. She was frustrated. "But this lie may get us into some serious trouble."

"He is never going to find out," I promised. Amy rose her eyebrows at me. She wasn't convinced.

The car pulled down a familiar road, and I knew the school was just up ahead. It felt good to be getting back home. We pulled down a short stretch until we came up to the the large wall that snaked around the building. Eric then pulled up to the gate. In a few moments, thanks to Seth, the doors opened to allow us entrance.

"Shit," Eric whispered. I sat up and looked to see what he was referring to. My breath caught in my throat.

There were trucks scattered along the parking lot, a sight that was all too familiar to us now. Seth was standing by the gate and he was wide-eyed. Eric pulled the car in slowly and the gate closed behind us. The Saviors seemed to be everywhere, standing in the parking lot by their trucks, near the entrance of the school. I looked around frantically till my eyes landed on the garden. Vivienne was standing there and Negan was with her. I pulled the car door open before Eric had even turned off the engine.

Walking hurriedly over to where he was standing, I approached them. He turned to me and grinned wide.

"Just the lady I've been waiting to fuckin' see. Miss me?"


	4. Chapter 4: A Compromise

"You're here," I said shakily, looking up at Negan. It hadn't been a week. He was here early and I knew right away this was his way of messing with us.

"No shit, Sherlock!" he proclaimed, smiling down at me in amusement.

"I thought we had more time." I looked over to see if Vivienne was okay. She smiled thinly and nodded at me, reassuring me she was.

"Well it just so fuckin' happens I missed your pretty face. So I figured I'd swing by and visit my new school friend." He lightly punched my shoulder and I stood stiff as a board in front of him. This couldn't be happening right now.

"We don't have much to give," I explained, hoping he would just leave.

"Bullshit, Elle! We both know for a fucking fact you've got some goodies in that car over there. Aren't you gonna share with the class?" He spun the wired baseball bat over his shoulder and I nodded at him, knowing if I just did as he wanted he would be out of our hair.

I led him over to the car and opened the trunk, showing him our great find. He glanced into the trunk and then turned to me with a wide smirk.

"Well looky here!" he bellowed. "She _DOES_ deliver!" He turned and ordered his men to start unloading our car. I took a step back as two men began taking the boxes from the trunk, exposing the medication containers.

"Well, what the hell do we have here?" Negan asked, taking a lid off of one of the plastic bins.

"Wait!" I protested, reaching out to stop him. Negan turned, narrowing his eyes at me and pulled the container out of my grasp. He took out a pill bottle and studied the tiny writing.

"Microzide?" he inquired, looking up at me.

"It's a blood pressure medication," I answered, and I knew I must look worried. "Our friend John needs it. I thought maybe we could split it up."

Negan's expression was impossible to read as he stared at me. I felt like my heart was in my throat.

"We're not splitting shit." he barked. He handed the bottle to one of his men and they continued to take the rest of the medicine bins from the trunk.

"You can't do this!" I cried out as Negan began to turn from me. He stopped at my sudden outburst. "We need those meds!"

He slowly spun back to face me and I could see he was surprised at how I was standing up to him. Before he could chew me out I continued, knowing that this was probably going to get me into serious trouble but I needed to take the risk.

"If Doveport is yours, then my people are your people. Don't you look out for your people?" I challenged, hoping my argument would get through to him.

Negan leaned towards me, scowling. I gulped, wanting so badly to take a step back but I held my ground.

"I thought you knew your place, little girl." His grip on the bat tightened and I narrowed my eyes at him. After everything that had happened, I wasn't about to let this bully walk all over us.

"My friends worked their asses off to get those meds. Amy almost died! You're not taking all of them," I growled, leaning in towards him, matching his scowl. It became eerily silent as we stared each other down.

We both remained like that for what felt like an eternity, till Negan slowly smiled and his eyes widened. It was more frightening than his previous expression but I didn't move.

"Look who's got her big girl pants on today," he announced, and before I could respond, he wrapped his hand around my arm and started to pull me towards a truck.

I stumbled as he dragged me forcefully and I heard Amy call my name in a frightened voice. I turned to see Eric sprinting towards us, only to be stopped by a Savior who pointed a gun in his face.

"Elle and I are gonna go for a little drive. If any of these sorry shits tries anything, kill them all," he ordered, and pushed me into the passenger side door. I fell into the seat and heard the car door slam behind me. Negan walked around and got into the driver's side door.

I sat up to see a Savior threatening Seth with a gun as he opened the gate to allow us to leave. I looked over to see Philip was now outside and had tried to approach us, but was also being held at gunpoint. My friends watched in horror as Negan drove out of the school gate with me beside him.

* * *

I stared out the car door in fear as the truck sped down the road. Oh boy, I had fucked up. He hadn't spoke since we entered the car and I had no idea what was happening. My gut told me he was going to kill me, and I shivered at the idea of this being the end. But wasn't this my plan? I had lied to him in order to protect Phil and now my hardheadedness was going to cost me my life. I had really thought my demise would be from a walker, but maybe Negan would make it quick.

Glancing over, I saw he was completely focused on the road. I wondered how bad it would hurt if I opened the truck door and jumped out. I figured whatever he had in store for me had to be worse.

We were in the middle of an empty road when the truck slowed down and came to a stop, preventing any attempts of an escape.

"Get the fuck out," he ordered, opening his door and getting out of the truck. I placed a nervous hand on the door handle and opened it, stepping out. My legs were shaking and I slowly pushed the heavy car door closed.

We were completely alone.

Negan walked around to where I was standing and regarded me. I looked down at the ground, scared out of my mind.

"Not so tough anymore, are we?" he taunted.

I didn't answer him and kept my gaze down.

He didn't say anything. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. He was going to torment me before he killed me, like an animal playing with its food.

I jumped when I felt something touch me. He was placing the barbed wire baseball bat into my trembling hand. I looked up at him confused.

"If you're gonna do something, here's your fuckin' chance!" He held his arms out leaving himself completely exposed. I looked from him to the bat, still not understanding what was happening.

"If you wanna be a big bad boss lady, you had better take Lucille and bash my fuckin' head in right now." His expression turned serious as he stood there waiting for me to respond. I furrowed my eyebrows at him. Was he serious? Did he have a death wish? He wanted me to kill him?

No. He was teasing me. Negan didn't want to die. This was a test. And I knew what he wanted me to do, but I wasn't about to give it to him.

I shook my head and looked up at him.

"I won't," I answered him, and I held the bat out to him. Part of me wanted to lunge at him with it but I wasn't going to kill him.

Negan approached me slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. I held his gaze, not willing to give in still. Even if he killed me now, I wouldn't stand down to this man.

"It's a dog eat dog world, Elle," he said lowly. "If you have a chance to kill the enemy, you fucking take it."

He took the bat from my hands that were no longer trembling. I wasn't afraid anymore–I was just angry. He was trying to toy with me and I wasn't going to let him.

"I wanted to share those meds and you're the one acting like a child!" I yelled at him.

He stepped closer to me.

"This isn't a fucking compromise," he hissed, moving his face inches from mine. "That's not how shit works anymore. Those pills are mine. That school is mine. I decide who fucking deserves it. And if you're not willing to play by my damn rules, I don't have any use for you."

We both stood there, in each other's faces and both unwilling to back down. I glared up at him, and started to feel sick to my stomach. Where was this going? How long was I going to keep this up? Until he beat me to death? Something told me that's exactly where we were headed.

Realizing I was pushing him too far, I looked down while frowning.

"Okay," I conceded.

"What the fuck was that?" he growled.

"You win," I answered, hoping it would amuse him enough to stop scowling at me.

His eyes narrowed a bit more as if he was gauging me. I sighed, not knowing how else to convince him I wasn't going to put up a fight anymore.

"You can have all the meds."

Negan stared at me silently and I waited for his reaction. I wondered if he really thought I was going to attack him with the baseball bat. He seemed thrown off that I didn't, and now that I was submitting he seemed even more confused.

After peering at me for a while, Negan smirked.

"Good," he simply said and swung the bat over his shoulder. As he walked by me, he placed a hand on the top of my head and ruffled my hair, messing it up. I flinched when he touched me but he just kept walking to the truck.

I stood there frozen, wondering what had just happened. He went from stone cold killer to playful in a matter of seconds, like someone flipped a switch. I turned to look at the truck and he was already getting into the driver's side and gestured for me to come on.

Feeling I had no other choice, I took a deep breath and walked back to the truck. I got back in next to him and I watched him carefully till suddenly he leaned over, making me freeze in fear again as he opened the glove compartment. His arm brushed up against me as he dug around inside. I half expected him to pull out a gun and shoot me; instead, he produced a bottle of whiskey.

"Thirsty?" he asked, showcasing the glass bottle to me. I shook my head.

"No thank you. I don't like it." I wasn't trying to be rude, but I really hated whiskey. Negan shrugged and took the lid off, and took a swig straight from the bottle. He turned the key in the ignition and started driving. I couldn't help but let out a little sigh of relief at the realization we were headed back to Doveport.

The sun had started to set as we drove in silence. We were back within minutes and the gate opened as we pulled up. We had maybe been gone an hour, and yet everyone seemed to be in the same place they had been when we left. Negan's men were still aiming their weapons and my friends were frozen in place. Negan parked the truck and turned to me. I wanted so badly to go but I waited for his permission.

"Good fucking talk, Elle. Same time next week then?"

"Okay," I said, staring out the front windshield at Philip who was still outside the front of the school. He was looking directly at me with a worried expression.

Negan chuckled.

"Cool. Now get the fuck out of my truck."

I opened the door and got out. Negan shouted to tell his men to load up.

None of us moved as Negan's men drove out of Doveport. We waited for them to leave, and once the last truck pulled out of the school's parking lot and exited through the gate, Seth went over and pulled it shut. The sun had almost finished setting and the daylight was almost gone as Philip ran over to me, along with Amy, Eric, and Vivienne.

"Are you okay?" Phil asked, looking over me for injuries.

"Did he hurt you?" Amy demanded.

"What happened?" Vivienne insisted.

"I'm fine, guys," I said while smiling at them, doing my best to appear reassuring. They were all trying to figure out what Negan had done to me. I was probably still trying to figure out what he had done.

"We were worried sick," Vivienne said, reaching out and rubbing my arm. "I'm so glad you're okay, sweetie."

I nodded and looked back over to the gate to make sure they were completely gone. I felt paranoid because of Negan. Was I even allowed to talk about what happened? He hadn't said I couldn't. I thought about telling them about him giving me Lucille. I had the opportunity to kill him and I had turned it down. Would they understand why I hadn't?

I don't think I even understood why I hadn't taken the chance.

"I tried to negotiate for the meds," I explained. I decided I wouldn't tell them about wielding Lucille. "He wouldn't budge."

"They took everything," Amy muttered. "The car has been completely cleaned out."

I nodded. I had already figured they had. If we were lucky, Negan's men wouldn't find the traffic jam and we could go back and continue looting the cars. There was potentially enough stuff out there to keep Negan happy for months. We just had to go about it the right way.

"We can go back and scavenge more this week. It's gonna be okay," I tried my best to reassure them. Maybe I was trying to convince myself. At this point, it was going to be a weekly occurance of dealing with Negan and his men.

They nodded and Phil turned his attention on the sun that was disappearing over the horizon. "We should get inside. It's been a long day and we all need some rest."

I nodded in agreement and we all headed inside the school.

* * *

I retired to my bedroom after saying goodnight to everyone. We were lucky to have beds at Doveport. Phil and Seth had not only found mattresses for everyone, but had also constructed bed frames so we weren't forced to sleep on the floor. I loved having my very own bed and even had my own bedroom. Each member of our community got their own room in the form of the old classrooms. The rooms were huge, but it allowed for privacy and a sense of normalcy. Of course, couples like Amy and Eric bunked together in one room. I had mine all to myself.

I had just started to get comfortable and drift off to sleep when there was a loud knock at my door. I sat up and rubbed at my eyes.

"Come in!" I called.

I squinted in the darkness to see Seth open the door and stand there awkwardly.

"Seth?" I asked, confused as to why he would be coming to me in the middle of the night.

"I went to make sure the gate was locked and there was a truck parked outside." He was speaking fast, and I stood up from my bed and walked over to him.

"It's Negan," he said, and I could see his expression better as I got closer. He looked sick to his stomach. "He wants to talk to our leader."

I didn't know what to say or do. I just stood there with Seth in the darkness.

"Does anyone else know?" I asked, grabbing a grey hoodie from a chair and pulling it on. I was only wearing some sweats and a tank top, but didn't think I would have enough time to get dressed. Seth shook his head.

"No. I think everyone is asleep."

"Good. Stay inside." I stepped out into the hallway and headed towards the front door of the school. Doveport didn't have a lot of power supply, but we did have a gas generator we tried to use sparingly. In order to conserve, we didn't use any lights at night so I moved carefully until I reached the front. I opened the doors and quickly made my way to the closed gate. I looked behind me to see Seth had obeyed and wasn't following me. I could see light shining from under the large gated doors; I unlocked and pulled them open.

There was a single pickup parked right in front of the gate with its headlights shining right at me. I squinted and held up a hand to shield the light from my eyes. I could see a figure standing next to the truck and heard a chuckle.

"Took you long enough," Negan said, moving in front of the truck to block some of the light that was shining in my eyes. I continued to squint at him. "Enjoying your rest, sleeping beauty?"

"Has it been a week already?" I asked, trying to be playful; but I could hear the caution in my own voice. I had no idea what was happening. Had he figured out our lie?

Negan laughed.

"I just missed you too damn much," he teased. I let out a nervous laugh. Negan turned from me and walked to the back of the truck, opening the hatch. I tensed up, thinking he was getting something to hurt me and tried my best to see what it was.

He was dragging something heavy when I heard a snarl come from my left. I twisted to see a walker was making its way towards us. I reached for my knife only to realize I had left it in my room. I took a few steps back out of the way of the headlights to get a better view of it. The walker was moving fairly quickly and stumbled towards me, and I moved backwards towards the bed of the truck. I gasped when my back hit something, and I turned to see it was Negan. He was watching the walker and clutching his beloved bat.

"Friend of yours?" he asked, and didn't move as I remained pressed up against him, all of my attention still on the animated corpse before us.

"No," I whispered, wanting to run, but I was frozen in place. I was now in between the approaching walker and Negan.

"Then fucking kill it," he ordered.

"I don't have anything!" I cried. "I left my knife inside."

The walker began to near us as I spoke.

"Of course you fucking did." Negan moved past me, bringing the bat up and in one swoop, he hit the walker in the head, killing it. The body fell to the ground in a slump. Negan hit it once more and then pushed it away with his boot. He turned back to look at me.

"Thank you," I said before he could make a snarky remark. He moved past me to the back of the truck again.

"Lucille is tired. We've had a long ass day and I didn't fucking come out here so I could kill walkers for you all night." I watched as he dragged a box out from the truck bed and carried it over to me. He held it out to me and I confusedly stared down at it. I squinted, trying to see what was inside but it was too dark.

"It's pretty fucking heavy. I'm not sure your little arms can carry it."

I reached out and took the box from him. It was really heavy, but I would manage. I looked back up at him in the darkness and couldn't see his face very well. Why was he doing this? Why was he giving us something? This had to be a trick…

Negan stretched and yawned as we stood next to the truck.

"Well I don't know about you princess, but I might just turn into a fuckin' pumpkin if I stay out any later." He brushed by me towards the driver side door, and then leaned down by my ear.

"Never say I didn't do anything for you, doll," he murmured while opening the door. He got into the truck and started the engine. I stood there for a few moments, then walked back into the school yard and set the box down. Negan didn't leave until the gate was closed and I locked it quickly. I listened as the truck pulled away and I bent down to pick the box back up. I was way too curious and had to know what it contained.

I carried the box inside to find Seth was standing by the front door. He smiled at me a bit, and then his attention went straight to the box.

"What's that?" he asked.

"I have no idea. But we should get some sleep. He's gone," I said, carrying the box towards my bedroom. Seth sighed in relief. I knew he was curious about the contents of the box too, but he headed down the hall towards his room and disappeared inside.

I pulled my bedroom door shut and set the box on my bed. I went over to the teacher's desk and opened a drawer. I had collected a few items that I kept inside, including a flashlight. I turned it on and the light immediately made me blink a few times. I returned to the box and shined the light over what was inside.

It was full of an assortment of items, including fresh vegetables, canned food, some clothing, and some knifes. I started pulling things out of the box and found a compass, a hair brush, some jewelry, a few canteens, and a box of pens. I furrowed my brow as I pulled out a book of crosswords, some toothbrushes, and toothpaste.

I continued to pull out items and then heard a little rattle. I reached my hand inside and pulled out a pill bottle. Microzide. I reached into the box and pulled out another. And then another. He had given us some of the medication. I stared down at the little pill bottle and couldn't help but smile.


	5. Chapter 5: Unhinged

I had a hard time explaining the box of supplies to everyone at Doveport. None of us could make sense as to why Negan would give us not just the medication, but all of the other things as well. I thought it was a gesture of good faith, but was unsure of why he would show us kindness. Maybe he pitied us? That seemed more likely.

Either way, we still needed to gather more supplies for him. Over the next few days, Eric, Amy, and I made routine trips to the traffic jam we had discovered to collect as much as we could. Although we didn't discover anything as good as the medication we had come across on our first trip, we did find plenty of food and clothes.

It was kind of haunting to see the many suitcases that were shoved into trunks, now ours for the taking. We filled up our car multiple times and even spent an entire day siphoning gas. We felt we had more than enough to please Negan, but Amy and I decided to go out on the last day to see if we could find anything else. Eric stayed back at Doveport to help Phil work on getting another vehicle working.

I drove down the road and glanced over at Amy, who looked uncomfortable. We hadn't talked much since Negan had come into our lives. I missed our conversations and wondered if she was still upset with me about lying. As we headed to the abandoned cars, I wished the car had a CD player. The silence was unnerving.

We reached the traffic jam and I drove in the ditch, passing the cars we'd already scavenged through. Once we reached some untouched cars, I put the car into park. The engine turned off and as I went to open the car door, Amy finally spoke.

"I'm pregnant," she said it so matter-of-factly that I expected her to tell me she was joking immediately after. When she didn't, I turned and looked at her with wide eyes.

"What?" I asked in disbelief.

"I think I'm 3 months along. I'm gonna start showing soon."

"3 months?!" I gasped. "Amy!"

"I know. I should have said something, but we've had a lot on our plate lately." She was just staring out her window, not looking at me. She paused and then spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear her.

"I'm scared, Elle.

"I couldn't blame her. Motherhood in itself was hard. Now she was bringing a baby into _this world_. We didn't have any supplies for a baby. We weren't prepared. We would need a doctor. We needed baby clothes and food. We needed to start preparing for it.

"I'm sorry," I said, reaching out and putting a hand on her arm. She finally turned to look at me and I could see she had started to cry.

"No. It's fine. I'll be fine. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch lately. My hormones are a mess." She wiped at her eyes and I smiled understandingly at her.

"It's okay. I get it. I haven't exactly been Miss Sunshine either these days."

She chuckled and then looked out the front window as if she was lost in thought. I turned to look at the cars too.

"You don't think he would hurt it, right?" Amy asked, rubbing at her nose. I didn't quite understand and furrowed my brow.

"Negan, I mean. You don't think he would kill my baby, do you?" She was looking at me again with scared eyes.

"Why would he kill your baby?" I was confused at her question. We didn't know him that well, but after he had given us the box of supplies I was starting to think there was more to him than we had initially thought. I knew Amy didn't like him, and maybe it was her hormones making her think of crazy scenarios, but as she continued to stare at me I realized this had been on her mind a lot recently.

"I don't know," she confessed. "But I'm scared, Elle. We don't know what he's gonna do."

She wasn't wrong. Negan was chaotic. I couldn't guarantee he wouldn't be a threat to her child, but I could make her another promise.

"Amy, I swear to you, I will never let him lay a hand on you or your baby."

She looked down at her stomach and nodded. She knew I wasn't telling her that just to make her feel better. Amy was like my sister. If Negan, or anyone else for that matter, tried to hurt her child, I would kill them.

"I know, Elle. But he has more men than us. He's got a fucking army and we are sitting ducks. He's just waiting for us to fuck up so he can hurt us." A few tears fell down her face as she continued. "I always wanted to be a mom, but I don't wanna bring a baby into this. With the walkers and Negan…." She broke into a sob and I felt so helpless. I didn't know what to say to make things better because she was right.

It was only a matter of time before we made a mistake. Amy's pregnancy would soon be an obvious weakness to our community and I understood her fears now. It would be easy for him to use that against us. We didn't know if he would or not and that was her biggest fear: the unknown.

Amy sniffled and rubbed at her face again, wiping away her tears. I sighed and tried to think of what to say.

"We have supplies that will last us weeks now. He's going to be impressed. We're going to do good by him." I tried to point out the positive.

Amy nodded and exhaled loudly.

"Does Eric know?" I asked.

"Yeah," she whispered, sniffling. "He's excited."

"He should be! And you should be too. You're gonna make a good mom, Amy," I said, squeezing her shoulder. She smiled a bit at me.

"Thanks, Elle."

We both continued to sit in the car for a while longer until Amy placed her hand on the car handle and opened it.

"Might as well get to it," she muttered, closing the door behind her. I got out of the car and followed her towards the parked cars.

We rummaged through a few cars and found more water and food. I was loading some into our trunk when Amy called my name.

I headed over to where she was standing next to a minivan with the back doors open. She didn't turn to look at me as she smiled and stared into the vehicle. I stepped over and looked into the backseat and couldn't help but laugh.

It was full of baby supplies. There was baby food and clothes, a car seat, toys, bottles, and diapers. The boxes were stacked up to the roof of the van. I turned to Amy smiling when I saw her expression had changed to a frown. I turned to look at the van again expecting it all to disappear. When it didn't I turned back to Amy.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, cocking my head to the side.

"I wonder what happened to them," she mumbled, still regarding the van. She was thinking about the owners of this van. That had just been trying to get away from the walkers and probably had to abandon their vehicle like the others. Their demise was beneficial to us, but that didn't mean we enjoyed it.

There was a ping of guilt I had felt emptying out all the different cars, but it wasn't like they were still using all this stuff. Most of these people were probably among the living dead now. We have to do what we have to do to survive. Feeling guilty was a small price to pay for survival.

"Don't think about it," I said, turning from her to grab a box of diapers. "We need it." I walked by Amy carrying a box as she continued to stare at the van, and then she started taking out boxes too.

We loaded up our car with the baby supplies and decided to head home for the day. Negan was due to visit the next day and we needed to be ready for him. The car sped down the road and Amy seemed a little more relaxed than before.

"That was a good find," I said, trying to make small talk.

Amy nodded. "It was. I can't wait to show Eric," she smiled at me. She looked hopeful. I wished I could take her picture. It had been so long since I had seen that look on her face.

On top of the baby supplies, we had filled up the car with food and water. It was an incredibly successful run and I was excited to get back and show Philip what we had found.

I pulled the car up to the school gate and waited for it to open. Amy had fallen asleep on the way back and was just starting to wake up when I put the car into park.

 _The gate wasn't opening._

"Are we home?" Amy asked, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Seth must be on a bathroom break," I said, opening the car door. I walked over to the gate and pulled on it a bit. It moved. It was unlocked.

I continued to pull the gate until it was fully open. Amy got out of the car and stood beside me. We both stared at the scene before us.

Once again there were trucks scattered throughout the parking lot. I looked around and noticed there wasn't a single soul outside.

"They're here," Amy whispered, turning her attention on the school. "We can't catch a break."

"Go back to the car and pull it in. Take the boxes and hide them inside that new car." I instructed her and she turned to me.

"No!" she hissed. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"Amy, listen to me. They'll take the baby supplies. You have to hide them until they leave," I begged her, knowing they could come outside any second.

Amy let out a frustrated groan and then nodded. "Okay. Just be careful." She looked terrified and I knew she would be better off if she didn't come with me.

I watched her get into the car and pull it inside the wall and then I turned my attention on the school.I walked through the front doors and was surprised when I didn't see any of Negan's men patrolling the halls. There weren't any Doveporters around either.

I made my way slowly, wondering if I should take out of my knife. I had just started to reach for it when I heard Philip's voice.

"Don't do this!" he pleaded.

It was coming from the gym.

I sprinted down the hallway and turned the corner. The gym doors were wide open and I approached them quickly to look inside.

All of Negan's men were standing on the sides of the gym. The Doveporters were there as well, all huddled together. They all seemed to be focused on the scene taking place in the middle of the gym. Danny was nowhere to be seen.

Seth was holding a gun to a Savior's head. He had taken the man hostage and was threatening his life. Standing about 30 feet away from him was Philip, who was trying to reason with him. And behind Philip, aiming a gun at Seth's head was Negan.

All of Negan's men were aiming their guns at Seth, who was shouting. "I just want Negan!" he barked, gripping the terrified Savior in his arms. "No one else has to die!" I could see the gun shaking in his hand.

"You're fucked either way, you dumb fucking fuck!" Negan roared.

"You don't have to follow him anymore!" Seth cried, addressing the Saviors. "You don't have to be afraid anymore!"

"Go right ahead and pull that fucking trigger! Whether you kill him or not, I'm going to beat your stupid fucking face to a pulp!" Negan was furious as he shouted at Seth. I noticed he hadn't shot him yet, then realized it was only a matter of time before that changed. I stepped into the gym and made my way over to Philip, who was begging everyone to calm down.

"Seth?" I tried to calm my voice as I addressed him. He turned his attention from the Saviors and looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Elle!" He seemed shocked to see me. I nodded at him and approached him slowly.

"Let him go, Seth," I urged. "You don't have to do this."

Seth frowned at me and tightened his grip on the Savior.

"No, Elle. _We_ don't have to do this. I'm sick of watching you guys break your backs just to please this son of a bitch." He glared at Negan who was unusually quiet. "He's a bully and we don't have to keep working for him."

"We can make it work," I insisted, moving closer to him. He tensed up and I froze in my place. "Seth–"

"Don't try to talk me out of this, Elle. We have to kill him right here and right now." He turned his attention back on the Saviors. "Give me Negan!" he begged them.

"Look at me!" I cried. "This isn't you, Seth. We don't have to resort to hurting people." I gestured at him holding the Savior. "We are better than that. You are better than this."

Seth turned and looked at me. He had tears streaming down his face and was trembling.

"Put the gun down, son," Philip urged.

Seth looked down at the ground and I watched his grip loosen on the Savior. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and I took another step forward.

"It's okay. Give me the gun," I said softly, reaching out.

Seth looked at my hand and nodded.

He was moving to hand me the gun when a gunshot rang out and echoed throughout the whole gym.

I watched in horror as a bullet ripped into Seth's face and he fell forward. The hostage-Savior was scrambling away from Seth. My eyes went wide. Seth had been shot. He fell towards me and landed right at my feet. I felt frozen as I stared down at him. Blood pooled around his head and he didn't move.

Vivienne screamed and the other Doveporters started to wail. Their cries filled the gym, and I found I couldn't move from where I stood staring down at Seth's body.

 _The shot had come from behind me._

 _Negan had shot him._

 _Negan killed Seth._

Philip was on the ground trying to get a response from Seth, but I knew he was gone. As the others sobbed, I found I couldn't even move.

"Well shit, that was fun," Negan's voice rang out from behind me. "One helluva headshot! Makes for some easy cleanup. The fucker isn't even going to come back." I heard him walking around the gym.

"Now, as much as I fucking love a good hostage situation, I think it goes without saying this cannot happen again. You motherfuckers had better clean up your act before I show you how big of a bully I really fucking am." His words were like ice and the members of my community continued to cry.

I heard him walk over to where I was standing.

"Hello, Elle!" he gushed. "Your kids got into some trouble while you were out. Speaking of which, where is my shit?"

He put an arm around my shoulder. I didn't respond. I couldn't find my voice–I still couldn't move.

"You need to fucking speak when spoken to," he growled right into my ear, and finally I winced which made him let go of me. My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would pop out of my chest. I turned to look up at him and felt my eyes start to water.

"Don't you fucking look at me like that! I just did you a favor! Your little gate guard lost his motherfuckin' marbles!" he barked. "I told you if you don't follow my rules, you'll be punished. And one of my fucking rules is you don't threaten me and my men."

A few tears fell down my face as I nodded at him. I felt completely helpless. I didn't know what to say or do anymore. I was so afraid someone else was going to get hurt.

Negan watched me, as if he was confused, and then he let out a deep sigh. He placed a hand on my shoulder and I flinched.

"Don't worry. Even after this, I know you'll do good by me." His words were selfish but he said them as if they should comfort me. "You just need to get your people in line."

I nodded again and again. I just wanted him to leave. There was no fixing this. Seth was gone and I couldn't change what had happened. The sooner Negan left, the less likely anyone else would die.

I turned to look back at Seth's body. Phil was still kneeling down by it with his head hung low. Negan walked in front of me, blocking my view of Seth.

"Where's my stuff, Elle?" he asked gently.

"Outside in the car," I whispered, finally finding my voice.

Negan pulled me into him and kissed my forehead softly.

"Good girl," he purred.

Negan turned from me and ordered for his men to leave. They filed out of the gym and, in a matter of seconds, all that remained was Doveport and our deceased friend. I continued to look down at Seth's body and suddenly my legs gave out beneath me.

I fell down on my knees.

I had never felt so numb.


	6. Chapter 6: Playing Nice

We buried Seth behind the school in a marked grave. A few people hosted a funeral for him, and a man named Ryan offered to take over gate duty. We had no other choice but to move on and keep going, but this changed everything. We finally had a real reason to fear Negan.

After the initial shock of seeing Seth murdered in front of me, I realized how important it was to keep Negan and his men happy, regardless of how badly he scared us. We spent the next week gathering as many supplies as we could get our hands on from the traffic jam. Fortunately for us, the collection of cars were somehow still undiscovered by anyone else, and we continued to empty each one and bring the items to Doveport. It wasn't long before we had a good stock built up.

A week later, Negan was back, and I had more than enough stuff to give him to make him happy, this week and next. But I didn't dare get cocky. We had lined the boxes up by the front gate before his arrival and when he stepped out of his truck, he looked amused.

"Damn Elle! You really shouldn't have!" He put his hand over his heart in mock surprise while studying the multiple boxes stacked by the wall. "You are spoiling the fucking shit outta my men, you know that?" He turned and approached me where I was standing off to the side in the parking lot.

"Just trying to make this easy for everyone," I answered, looking over to his men that had started heading over to the boxes. I didn't want to look at him.

Negan studied me intently and I wanted to gulp. I knew what he was capable of, and now that he was standing mere feet away from me I was finding it difficult to breathe. It was like someone had sucked all the air out of the yard, and I was getting a limited supply through a straw.

Just as one of his men was bending over to pick up one of the boxes, Negan held his hand up and the man stopped in his place.

"Hold off on that," Negan ordered, still gazing down at me. "Make yourselves comfortable, boys. I'm gonna go talk to Elle here."

My eyes widened and he noticed. He let out a loud laugh and placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"Aw, come on doll! Don't be shy!" He turned my body to face the front doors of the school and I tried my best to take a deep breath and compose myself. I started walking and Negan followed behind me closely, lugging that damned barbed wire baseball bat along with him.

I looked over to where Philip was standing by the garden with Vivienne as I walked. Amy and Eric were out on a run. When Negan hadn't shown up during the week, I figured he was actually going to be on time for once. I had sent them out earlier in the day and told them not to come back until the evening, thinking Negan would show up before then. Now the sun was starting to go down and I knew they would be coming home at any time. I really hoped I could get Negan out of our hair before that.

Danny was still hiding in the school and I hoped like hell he would figure out what was happening. I had been so busy gathering supplies that I hadn't been able to talk to him more, but Vivienne told me he seemed content on living with us. I could hear the sound of Negan's men following towards the building and felt my heart thud loudly in my chest. If Danny was discovered, we were dead in the water.

I reached the doors and opened them wide, holding them so that Negan and his men could enter. Negan stopped in front of the door and his men lingered behind him, waiting for his command. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"Ladies first," he said, gesturing inside with the bat. I walked inside, not wanting to argue with him on it. One of his men came over and held the door for Negan and the rest.

I lead him through the halls and towards Philip's office—an office that I was now going to have to pretend was mine. Danny usually stayed in the locker room area, and Phil's office was on the opposite end of the school. As we reached the door, Negan's men continued down the hall and began splitting off in different directions, looking around as they went. I didn't have the time to handle it, and just hoped to hell Danny would stay hidden. I was watching his men veer off when Negan cleared his throat behind me.

"I don't have all goddamn day, doll." His voice was less commanding than it normally was. I turned the knob and opened the office door.

I had been in this room more times than I could count, but right then it felt like I was entering a cage. I rounded the desk and slowly sat down in the large office chair. I didn't know what to say or how to look at him, so I gazed down at the desk in silence waiting for him to talk.

Negan didn't sit; instead he slowly made his way around the room, looking at the different plaques on the wall that the previous principal had decorated the room with. He had shut the door and now it was just the two of us.

"I've got an offer for you," Negan stated, and I looked up at him as he was studying a picture on the wall. "And it is a _really fucking good one_."

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept my mouth shut, waiting for him to continue.

"I run a place called the Sanctuary." He turned to meet my eyes and made his way over to the chair across from me on the other side of the desk. He sat down and leaned back, setting the bat to his side, and watching me as if he was waiting for my reaction.

"Okay?" I replied, not sure where this was going.

"I'm gonna cut through the shit and just get right to it. I want you to come back with me." He said it so plainly, as if he was offering me something simple. I just stared at him trying to process what he had just asked me. When it really soaked in, I frowned at him.

"No."

"Shit, you didn't even fucking think about it." He leaned further back in the chair and kept those dark eyes on me. "Why the fuck not?"

I stared wide-eyed at him. This had to be a joke.

"You killed Seth!" I almost yelled it at him.

"Holy fuck! You're still on about that?!" His voice boomed and I winced at the loud sound, but I felt angry at how he was acting so nonchalant about it.

"He was my friend!" I shot back. I hadn't slept well all week. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Seth's face and the bullet that had ripped into his flesh.

"Your friend was a fucking psychopath!" Negan yelled, leaning forward in his seat towards me. "I did you a favor by offing that son-of-a-bitch!"

" _You're_ the psychopath!" I shouted. "He was going to hand me the gun and you murdered him!"

Negan stood up and I sunk back into my seat. He towered over me even from the other side of the desk. Once again I had pushed him too far. He had picked up his beloved bat again and gripped it tightly as he glowered at me, breathing heavy before he spoke.

"He took my man hostage. He threatened my life. If you want to survive, you don't fucking hesitate."

"No," I shook my head, feeling the adrenaline kick in as I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. "That's how _you_ do things. And I'm not _you_."

We remained deadlocked, both of us glaring at one another. I wouldn't budge on this. He could beat my head in and I still wouldn't accept that what happened to Seth was okay. He hadn't been perfect and taking a Savior hostage had been a huge mistake, but he didn't need to die.

I was surprised to see it was Negan who broke the stare-down to look away from me and back to the wall, shaking his head in frustration.

"I have tried to play nice, but you are testing me, Elle. I've done shit for you I haven't even done for my own people." I wondered if he was referring to his middle of the night visit where he brought me the box. I hadn't even thanked him for it.

He turned back to look at me, and his expression had transformed from bitter to grave.

"Come with me. You won't have to run this fucking circus anymore. You let me put one of my people in charge here and come back to the Sanctuary."

"You think your guys can run things better than me?" I asked, crossing my arms. It sounded like he was already trying to replace me as leader of Doveport.

 _If he only knew this wasn't even mine…_

Negan smirked and got a frisky look in his eye.

"I've got a better job for you. Involves you bending that perfect ass over the side of my bed."

I scoffed and turned my head to the side, feeling my cheeks heat up. If this was his idea of flirting, he was horrible at it. He probably thought that because I was blushing I was considering it, but I just didn't expect him to say something so vulgar. The swearing was one thing, but his straight forward proposal and the lingering silence made me realize he was waiting for my response—as if he expected me to agree to it. He was being serious.

"You can go now," I grumbled, not wanting to look at the smug look on his face.

Negan chuckled low.

"It's just an offer, doll. One I don't fucking give to just anyone. Think about it."

Like hell was I going to think about _that_.

Negan stood up, and as he did he took the barbed wire bat with him. I was still looking off to the side when I saw him gazing at something in my peripheral vision.

I turned my head to see his eyes were locked onto the bottle of whiskey on the desk. He studied it for a few moments, and then turned to exit the office. I wondered why he would be so interested in it, and then I remembered: I had turned down his offer for whiskey. I had told him I didn't like it. And here, on the desk that was supposed to be mine, sat a half empty bottle of the amber liquid.

 _Shit._

I felt a sense of relief when Negan didn't say anything. He walked out and I sighed, trying to collect myself. I stood up quickly and followed him out into the hallway and heard him ordering his men to get back outside. I followed them out and watched as they started loading up the boxes into their trucks. Danny was nowhere to be seen.

Amy and Eric were just pulling their car into the school's walls and Negan noticed them right away.

"Your friends are home!" he exclaimed, turning to look at me. I watched Amy and Eric get out of the car, their eyes on Negan.

Suddenly all of our attention turned on a Savior that was going through one of the boxes.

"What the fuck is this?" The Savior shouted, looking over at me. I watched as he held up a baby rattle from the box.

I turned and looked at Amy who was already making her way over to the Savior. Negan started striding over too, and I followed close behind.

"I am so sorry!" she sputtered, leaning down to take the box. "I must have accidentally sent this box out with the others."

The Savior was peering at her, and then straightened up as Negan approached. He eyed the rattle and then looked at Amy.

"You got a kid here?" he asked, taking the rattle out of the Savior's hand and shaking it a bit. Amy tensed up and didn't respond. Negan was about to open his mouth when I cut him off.

"Amy's pregnant," I blurted. I was still looking at Negan, but from the corner of my eye I could see her turn her head to scowl at me.

"No shit!" Negan beamed and looked around the yard at the other Doveporters. "Which one of these lucky bastards put a bun in your oven?"

Amy was staring daggers at me before she turned and looked over at Eric, who was helping the Saviors unload boxes from the car. He was watching Amy like a hawk, and then realized everyone was looking at him.

"Get your ass over here!" Negan called to Eric, and he obeyed immediately, making his way to us. He was as stiff as Amy, and looked up at me nervously as he approached.

"Congratu-fuckin-lations!" Negan sang, going around to Eric's side and patting his back.

"Th-thank you." Eric muttered, looking over to Amy. She was still staring at me, clearly feeling betrayed. Eric took a few steps away from Negan and went over to Amy, putting his arm around her protectively.

Negan watched them with an amused expression.

"You should make me the god-parent," he teased, leaning on the baseball bat.

Amy and Eric didn't respond, but their eyes grew wide at the very thought of Negan having _anything_ to do with their child. They were terrified that he was showing a new interest in them and the baby, and it was making them scared.

Negan leaned towards them and Amy gulped.

"That was a joke. Jeez, you people are uptight. You know you can still fuck when the baby is cooking right? Might help with some of this tension." He winked at Amy who looked like she was holding her breath.

Negan continued to grin at them and then addressed his men.

"Leave any baby shit. Momma bear's gonna need it." Then he turned to look at me. "You just made a mistake. This is me playin' nice."

"Thank you. We'll have more stuff next week," I replied quickly.

"Oh, I know you will, doll."

Negan leaned even closer, and put a hand on my arm gently.

"And think about my offer," he whispered.

I felt my cheeks burn again, thinking about his proposal. I know he meant me moving to live at his community, but I couldn't help but think back to his vulgar suggestion. I crossed my arms and averted my eyes, which made him laugh.

With that, Negan ordered his men to leave, and within a minute their trucks were pulling out of the school yard. As they left, Ryan closed the gate behind them, keeping out the threats of the undead. But even that large metal gate couldn't keep me safe from Amy's wrath.

 _"What the fuck, Elle!?"_ Amy shouted, storming over to me. Her fists were clenched tightly together and I thought she was going to hit me. She stopped right in front of me and pointed a finger in my face. "You told him I'm pregnant!"

"I'm sorry!" I cried out, putting up my hands. "I didn't want to lie to him anymore." In the heat of the moment, when he was waiting for her answer, I had figured we would be better off if we were just honest with him from now on.

"You're lying about being the leader!" she hissed. "And we're hiding Danny. We're lucky they didn't just find him inside!"

"I know. And you're right. We need to be more careful."

Amy looked disgusted.

"I can't believe you did that to me." She was shaking her head and I looked over to Eric. He was staring at me too, but I couldn't read him.

"He would have found out!" I cried, pointing at her stomach. "You're starting to show!"

Amy looked down at her belly. Her shirt was much tighter than usual around her abdomen, which had started to extend a tiny bit. I don't think she had realized.

"Amy?" I said gently, and she looked up at me. "I am really, really sorry. I wasn't trying to throw you under the bus. I just don't want to lie anymore. And I'm scared. He saw the whiskey in Phil's office."

She scrunched her face at me.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

I sighed and looked over to where Phil was helping Vivienne in the garden. They both had been working there the entirety of Negan's visit.

"He offered me some when he took me away in his truck two weeks ago. I told him I don't like it."

Amy still looked confused at what I was telling her, and then she closed her eyes realizing what this meant.

"Shit," she whispered, shaking her head. "We are so fucked."

"No," I said, doing my best to sound reassuring. "He didn't say anything about it."

Amy looked at me and she didn't seem angry anymore. That helpless look had returned, and I was the one who put it there. I regretted betraying her trust like this, but it was too late to take it back.

"We are going to be okay," I whispered, trying to comfort her.

"You can't promise that, Elle," she said sadly, as frustrated tears started to form in her eyes.

 _She was right._


	7. Chapter 7: Beg

I woke up the next day bright and early, planning to head back to the traffic jam with Amy and Eric. Unfortunately, we had almost finished getting what we could from the cars and would have to move on to another place to scavenge. We had just started to get the car ready when Vivienne came running out of the school towards me.

"He's gone!" she exclaimed, coming up to me where I was fueling the gas tank.

"Vivienne! What's going on?" I set the gas can down as she approached.

"It's Danny. I can't find him!" She seemed exasperated as she stared at me with wide eyes. "He's gone, Elle."

Eric and Amy had just started coming out of the school with their gear ready when they saw Vivienne in distress. They both jogged over.

"What's wrong, Viv?" Amy asked, looking at her with concern.

"Danny isn't in the school. I've searched everywhere." She was looking around outside as if she thought she would see him. "Ryan said the gate was unlocked this morning. He swears he locked it last night. I think Danny left."

"Why would he do that?" Eric asked, crossing his arms. "If the Saviors find him, he's in trouble."

"If they find him, _we're_ in trouble." Amy sighed, looking at me with brooding eyes.

The doors to the school opened and Philip came out in a hurry towards us.

"I looked too, Vivienne. He's not here," Philip said, confirming what Vivienne feared.

"Where would he go?" Amy asked, leaning on the car.

"I don't know, but we have to find him before Negan does," I answered. I didn't even know what to think. Vivienne had been looking after Danny and I had been so busy with the supply runs and keeping Negan happy, I hadn't really gotten to know the kid. From what I could tell, Vivienne seemed to really care about him. His sudden disappearance was clearly making her worry.

"We'll go look for him," Philip said, reassuring Vivienne. "Elle and I will take this car. Amy and Eric can take the new one."

I nodded in agreement and opened the car door to set the gas canister inside. Amy and Eric turned immediately and headed over to the other vehicle. Philip walked around to the driver's side door, but was still looking at Vivienne.

"We'll find him, Viv."

She nodded sadly, as if she didn't really believe that, and turned to go back inside the school. I got inside the passenger side and Ryan opened the gate for us to leave.

* * *

The car sped down the road and I felt like I couldn't even blink as I watched out the window. We passed numerous walkers trudging along, but there was no sign of Danny. We sat for hours in silence, both staring out the windows for him. I had this sick feeling in my gut that we weren't going to find him.

After some time, I spared a glance over at Philip who looked tired as he griped the steering wheel and continued driving. When I turned to look out the passenger side window, Philip cleared his throat and spoke.

"I think I should tell Negan the truth," he stated, and I turned to look at him. He continued watching the road.

"What?!" I exclaimed. "Philip you can't!"

"They're going to find Danny. It's just a matter of time. You shouldn't have to deal with this, Ellie."

He finally looked over at me and I shook my head, confused at his sudden change of heart.

"I can handle it, Phil." I argued, turning to look out the window and really wishing Danny would turn up right then and there.

"I'm worried about how things are gonna turn out," he admitted, sighing. "I'm worried for you."

"We don't know what happened, and there's no sense in worrying about it yet," I explained. Philip didn't say anything, and we sat in silence again.

We drove another hour watching closely out the windows for Danny. The lack of noise started to bother me, so I made an attempt to have a conversation while we looked.

"Did you have a family?" I blurted. It was the first thing that came to mind. Philip had never talked about his former life and it was my sad attempt at making small talk.

His grip on the wheel tightened a bit, and he took a deep breath.

"Yeah. A wife and two kids. A little boy and girl."

It didn't surprise me that Philip had been a father, but I was shocked that he hadn't talked about them before.

"I'm sorry." My voice was soft as I turned to look at him. He shook his head.

"No, it's okay. It's just hard to talk about, that's all. I lost them pretty early on."

I nodded, understanding what he was saying. When the outbreak started, a lot of people became infected because they didn't understand what was happening. The more people got sick, the faster it spread. Many didn't handle losing their entire families very well; the trauma added with the will to try and survive was a confusing concoction. I hadn't been able to contact my parents and just assumed the worst. Sometimes it was nice to entertain the possibility they were out there somewhere, but I knew that wasn't the case. Perhaps the unknown was easier to handle than knowing or watching it happen. Life is easier to live when you think your loved ones might still be alive.

"I'll never forget them. They were my whole world," he continued in a quiet voice. "But Doveport has given me a reason to keep going. That's my family now."

"We owe you a lot, Phil," I confessed. "Amy, Eric, and I were struggling bad before we found you guys. I don't think we would have made it much longer if we hadn't found you."

Phil smiled thinly and turned to look away from the road and at me for a quick second.

"Doveport is a haven in this hell on earth. I am so glad to have met you, Ellie. You're a brave girl and I'm forever grateful for what you and your friends have done for us."

I smiled back at him and we continued looking for Danny.

We searched all day with no luck. When we got back, the sun had started to set; the horizon was a blend of orange and pink. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful sight because of the pit sinking in my stomach.

Eric and Amy had already returned home. Danny was not with them. Philip parked the car and they met us over by the front of the school.

"We'll have to continue looking tomorrow," Philip said, to all of us.

"What's the point?" Amy said with a yawn. "I hate to say it, but maybe Danny doesn't want to be found."

"I could go out at night and search a little more," Eric suggested, and he seemed to be asking Philip for permission.

"No, it's too dangerous to be going out at night," Philip said shaking his head.

The school door opened and Vivienne walked out and joined us. She looked around quickly to see if we had found Danny. When she saw we hadn't, she sighed.

"I made dinner," she revealed while smiling a bit at us. "I know it's been a long day, and I thought everyone could use a nice meal."

"Thanks, Viv," I said grinning at her. My stomach had been growling during the ride home. I hadn't brought much to eat on our search.

We followed Vivienne inside the school and made our way to the lunchroom. There were two long tables we used to eat at, and a few other community members were already seated and enjoying their dinner. A few plates were already served and waiting for us towards the end of one table. Amy sighed contently and sat down in front of a Vivienne's meal; she had prepared rice and some vegetables from her garden. There were little glass bowls with canned fruit too and bottled water. I sat down in between Philip and Vivienne.

"This looks great, Vivienne!" Eric remarked, picking up a fork and shoveling in a big bite of rice.

"I know this Danny business is causing a lot of stress and I'm a firm believer that people think better with full stomachs." She grinned at me, and then took a swig from her water bottle.

There were a few cucumber slices on my plate and I picked one up and bit down. It was crisp and juicy and I closed my eyes savouring the taste. Cucumbers had been one of my favorite vegetables before the outbreak, and I had told Vivienne. She had promised me she would try to grow some and now here they were. She was watching me try it intently, and I smiled big at her after swallowing the delicious bite.

"I think that's the best cucumber I've ever had," I declared, taking another slice and eating it whole.

"Your garden is really making a difference here," Philip said, turning to face Vivienne. She blushed a bit and set down her fork.

"Thank you, Phil. It's nice to have something to work on and help out," she replied, smiling widely at him. I watched as they both grinned at one another, and wondered if there was something going on between them. Phil and Vivienne had been spending a lot more time together recently. The idea of them finding happiness together was nice.

I turned to see Amy had almost finished her food already. She saw me looking at her, and then glanced down at her nearly empty plate and frowned.

"There's plenty more, sweetheart." Vivienne told her, standing up to head to the kitchen. "You eat to your heart's content for the sake of that little one."

Amy sighed and nodded.

"I feel like Miss Piggy," she grumbled and everyone chuckled.

"Well you don't look like her," Eric said, putting his arm around her and kissing her head.

I had just started to take another bite when some Doveporters came rushing into the lunchroom. We all looked up to see what the commotion was.

"Negan's here!" One of them announced loudly.

My heart sank in my chest.

"He was just here yesterday!" Amy said frantically, standing up from the table. "Why is he back so soon?"

I didn't have time to answer her. A loud boom rang out as the front doors slammed open and I could hear footsteps headed our way. I watched as the Saviors flooded into the school, and this time there were more of them than I had ever seen before. About fifty men filled the cafeteria and surrounded the table. Eric stood up next to Amy, and I watched the hallway as they continued to fill the room, guns in hand.

Negan rounded the corner like he owned the place and set his sights right on me. I stood up as he approached the table.

"Alright kids, there's gonna be an assembly in the gym today." He said leaning on his bat and turning to address everyone. "Meeting starts in five minutes so I would fucking HUSSLE!"

No one moved as I stared him down and stayed in place. I didn't want to go to the gym. I hadn't been there since Seth's death and had been avoiding the large room because of it. Now he was demanding we go back.

Negan leaned over the table and his jovial expression turned sour.

" _Now_." He growled.

I could hear Philip stand up from the table, and watched as my friends started walking towards the gym. Negan didn't even turn to look at them and continued to glare at me. I furrowed my brow, not knowing what was happening and why he was so upset. I wondered if they had found Danny. Negan had just been here the day before. This wasn't good.

Breaking his stare, I turned from him and started walking towards the hallway. Vivienne joined me, and I could hear she was breathing nervously fast. I reached over and took her hand and squeezed it, doing my best to reassure her. I had no idea what was about to happen, and maybe it was to reassure myself as well.

We turned the corner to go into the gym, and my eyes widened in surprise. The gym was also filled with more of Negan's men, and just like with what had happened with Seth, they were standing on the sides of the gym and wielding their weapons. They ushered all the Doveporters towards the middle of the gym, and we all stood together in a nervous, little cluster.

Negan walked into the gym and right up to us. His men all watched him closely as if waiting for orders.

He started to circle around us, like a shark eyeing its prey. I watched him nervously as he walked around our little group. He was trying to intimidate us and it was working; I could hear the whimpers from some of my community members. The fear was almost tangible. They had seen what he was capable of with Seth and were probably afraid they were next.

Negan stopped right in front of Philip and pointed the bat towards him.

"Who are you?" Negan asked, smiling wide at him. Philip met his gaze and was stone faced.

"My name is Philip," he answered.

Negan continued to smile at him, and then turned on his heel to look around. He seemed to be studying the walls and the basketball hoops that were on either side of the room. Then he turned back to Philip and brought a hand up to his beard.

"And what the fuck is it that you do around here, Phil?" Negan demanded, pointing the bat back at Philip's face.

Philip didn't answer him. He turned to look at me, and I could see the panic in his eyes.

"The fuck are you looking at her for? I asked you a fucking question! You respond to me." Negan moved right in front to block him from looking at me. Philip still didn't answer him.

My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I swallowed hard and waited to hear what Philip would tell him when Negan spun to face me.

"Do you know what I fuckin' think?" he asked, taking a few steps away from us to look around the room again. He paced a bit, and then turned back to me and marched right up into my face.

 _"I think you lied to me."_ His voice was like ice as he spoke, and I felt myself pale at his words. "I think this bald bastard over here really runs this shit show, and you're just playing the fucking part."

"That's not-" I started to respond to him, but he put a gloved finger against my mouth. He pursed his lips and made a shrill whistle. I watched as a few men entered the gym pushing someone forward. I looked around Negan to see who it was.

 _Danny._

He approached us slowly, and Negan turned to watch him. Once he was standing near, Negan put his arm around him and grinned at me.

"See Elle, Danny came home and told me how he was hiding out here. And how all this fucking time I thought I was working with the head honcho, when it turns out Baldy over here really owns the school." He gestured at Philip with the bat.

I just stared wide eyed at Danny who couldn't even look at us. He just stared at the ground, ashamed. He had deliberately gone back to Negan and told him everything. I wondered why he would betray us, but Negan's presence didn't allow me to dwell on it.

"You told me you were in charge because you thought I was going to hurt, Baldy," Negan said turning back to look at me. "That I would go easier on you because you're a girl."

I felt my eyes start to water at the realization we were caught and there was no getting out of this. He watched, expecting me to say something, but I couldn't find my voice.

"I had a fucking feeling something was up when I saw whiskey on your desk, Ms. 'I-don't-like-whiskey'. Well, I guess it's not your desk. It's Baldy's desk, huh?" Negan sneered. I gulped.

"I don't tolerate lying, Elle," Negan said in a low voice. "Now someone has to pay." He turned from me and put the baseball bat right by Philip's head.

"If you wanted to play leader so fucking bad, you should have killed him yourself. Now I'm going to have to do it."

I narrowed my eyes at him and what he was implying. I didn't want to play leader. I did it to protect Philip. It had been a stupid lie, but it was mine and he was going to threaten their lives because of it. Negan noticed my glare and matched mine with one of his own.

"All of you kneel! Now!" he shouted and all of the Doveporters slowly got down onto the gym floor. Some of them had started crying. Eric was huddled by Amy and Vivienne was holding Philip's hand.

As everyone from my community got down onto their knees, I continued to stand.

Negan scowled at me.

"Don't make me tell you again," he snarled.

I felt a few tears fall down my face when I realized what was about to happen—what he planned to do. He was no longer trying to intimidate us. He was dead serious, and the last time we were standing in this gym, I had lost a friend.

I wasn't about to lose another one.

"You can't kill him," I asserted, moving to stand in between Negan and a kneeling Philip. "I won't let you."

I continued to meet his hard gaze as I stood my ground. I was terrified, and could feel the tears building, but I refused to let this happen.

"You broke the rules!" Negan shouted, making me flinch. He moved to get up in my face.

"You fucking lied to me! It can't happen again, and I'm going to make sure as fuck it doesn't."

His rage was unconstrained as he blew up in my face. I knew I couldn't fight him on this. It would only enrage him even more. His anger, the threat of losing someone else had my emotions flooding over, and I didn't care how pathetic I looked. I fell onto my knees right in front of him, which made him take a step back in surprise.

"Please, don't hurt him. This was my idea!" I cried. "Philip wanted to tell you the truth and I wouldn't let him! I forced them to go along with it. I made them lie." I was starting to sob, my body trembling on the ground before him. I needed him to understand this was my fault, and only my fault.

Negan didn't respond, and I felt myself begin to shake in fear. I didn't know what I could possibly say to make him hear me out, but he wasn't yelling yet and I took that opportunity to continue to try and plead with him.

"Doveport is my family. I did it to protect them." I stared at the gym floor and Negan's boots that were directly in front of me. I was groveling at his feet and I hated how weak I felt in the moment, but needed him to listen.

"I have done everything you asked. We will continue to do what you ask. Just please don't hurt him. This place is nothing without Philip." I continued to cry, watching some of my tears fall onto the gym floor.

I looked up at him from where I was begging at his feet. I saw him staring down at me, and I swallowed hard.

"If someone has to die, kill me," I pleaded, meeting his eyes. " _Please_."

I couldn't read him. He was peering down at me silently with that stone cold look, but didn't even blink. I continued to hold my head up and watch him, feeling so incredibly vulnerable in the moment. The room grew eerily silent as we continued to look at one another when he finally spoke.

"Stand up," he ordered.

I slowly started getting onto my feet and felt my body shake.

 _He's going to kill Phil…_

Negan continued to watch me as I stood before him trembling.

He didn't look away as he made a motion with his gloved hand, and two Saviors walked towards us.

"Take her," he commanded. I felt two arms grip mine roughly and start to pull me towards the doors. My eyes grew wide as I was being dragged out of the room, and I turned to look at everyone in the center. Amy was sobbing and reached out to me. Eric held her back as all of the Saviors pointed their guns at them preventing my friends from moving.

"Wait!" I cried, trying to pull myself away from the grip of Negan's men.

"Elle!" Vivienne called to me, tears streaming down her face.

Just before I rounded the corner into the hallway I could see Negan had moved to stand in front of Philip who was still kneeling. He brought the bat in front of him just as I lost sight of the gym.

"NO!" I shouted, as I was pulled through the school and outside towards their trucks. The moon was full and bright above our heads as I tried to pull my arms from their grasps, but they were stronger than me. I was dragged over to a supply truck and heard the trailer door get pulled open. The two men shoved me inside and stepped in with me. I flailed frantically as a black bag was pulled over my head and my vision went black.

I heard the door slide shut and the engine start.

As the truck drove away from Doveport, I wondered if that would be the last time I would ever see my friends.


	8. Chapter 8: Manipulate Eliminate

I sat on the floor of the supply truck as it continued moving and tried to calm my ragged breathing. The two men that had joined me remained silent and the thin black bag still sat over my face, preventing me from seeing them. I tried to take deep breaths, but every time I would start to calm down, I would picture Negan standing in front of Philip with his barbed wire bat.

 _Philip is dead._

The thought kept repeating over and over in my head like a broken record. I had gotten him killed because of my lie—my stupid lie. Danny had betrayed us and now Negan was probably going to torture me. I wondered where his men were taking me. Negan had remained back at Doveport when his Saviors had dragged me away. Maybe his men did the torturing? That sounded right.

After some time, the truck slowed and came to a stop. I heard the engine turn off and felt a hand grab my arm. I tried to pull away and could hear the sound of the truck's doors swinging open. One of the men pushed me, and I stumbled forward and fell out of the truck, landing on the ground roughly. The air was knocked out of me and I coughed, desperately trying to catch my breath. I laid on the ground, my body immediately sore from the hard impact.

"Careful with her!" a slightly familiar voice rang out above me. "I don't wanna have to explain to Negan why his new toy got all scratched up."

Two hands grabbed me once again and pulled me up onto my feet. I found my balance just as the black bag was pulled off my head.

Adam, one of Negan's Saviors, was standing directly in front of me, grinning from ear-to-ear. I stared at him frantically and then looked around at where we had arrived.

It was a huge factory; it had tall smoke stacks sticking out towards the top and large glass windows spanning all the way to the top of the building. I looked back down to the chain link fence that wrapped around the entire building and saw walkers impaled with thin metal beams and tied to the fence itself. They all growled in unison as they reached out in our direction, but remained trapped in place. There were also zombified heads stabbed onto spikes on the top of the fence. I tried to take it all in, knowing full well where I had been brought to before Adam even spoke.

"Welcome to Sanctuary."

I looked back to the tall building and gaped, completely speechless.

"You fucked up bad," Adam continued, and I turned to look at him. He looked so amused; his expression reminded me a bit of Negan, but Adam wasn't as menacing as his leader.

"Fuck you," I spat, scowling at him. I wasn't afraid of him. Negan? Yes. But his men were sheep and I had heard his comment—Negan didn't want me harmed.

Adam chuckled, and then nodded at the two men who were back to gripping my arms. They pushed me forward and Adam started leading the way into the compound. I felt my heartbeat increase as I was led through a door into a dimly lit hallway. We took a few turns until we came to a small, empty room with a cement floor. Adam gestured to it and the men pushed me inside. I stumbled forward and turned to look back at them. Adam approached me and made a "tsking" noise. I felt his hand slide down my hip to my belt and he unsheathed my knife.

"Can't have you slitting your wrists before Negan gets his hands on you," he said, flashing the knife in front of my face before backing out of the makeshift cell.

I glared at him as he closed the door. Once it was pulled shut, the entire room was engulfed in darkness and I couldn't see anything. I stood there a few moments, not knowing what to do. I backed up until I hit the hard wall and I sat down with my back against it. And then I waited.

With no sense of time, the silence started to bother me as I was left alone with my thoughts. Philip was dead. He had to be. Negan said someone needed to be punished, and I had seen him preparing to kill him with that horrible bat. What if he killed the others? What if all of my friends were gone?

I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them and waited, knowing I would have my answers soon enough. Maybe Negan would kill me, but I needed to know what happened at Doveport before he did. Then he could do whatever he wanted to me…

It felt like an eternity as I sat slouched against the cool, rough wall. I started to shiver from the cold and thought about how much I had taken for granted. I didn't appreciate my bed enough—the bed that Philip had spent so much time building for me.

 _Philip…_

I felt my eyes water at the thought of him. I had been so damn stupid to lie to Negan. My mistake had cost us everything. If the others were still alive they probably hated me for lying about being the leader and giving Danny shelter.

 _Danny._

Danny had gone back to Negan and revealed everything, and I didn't understand why. We had fed him and given him a place to sleep—Vivienne had even been so sweet to him in that motherly way of hers. Danny had either gotten too scared and ran back, or he had been hiding among us purposely the whole time. Either way, his betrayal killed Philip and I wouldn't ever forgive him for that.

I remained trapped with my guilt and thoughts until the door flung open and light poured into the tiny room. I squinted and sat up from where I had been lying on the floor. I had been so exhausted, but couldn't embrace sleep no matter how hard I tried. Now there was a figure leaning at the threshold of the door staring down at me.

"Having fun?" Negan's voice sang out. I looked away from the bright light of the hallway, trying to let my eyes adjust to it.

"Is Philip dead?" I asked, feeling the tears start to build. I waited for his confirmation, but he didn't say anything and continued to watch me in silence. I turned to look back at him.

"Did you kill him?" I demanded, surprised at how bold I sounded.

"We need to have a talk," Negan ordered. "Get up and come with me."

I stood up slowly and moved towards where he was still standing by the door. He looked so incredibly serious and I felt my heart sink into my stomach. This was it—he was going to punish me.

Negan led me out through the hallway and down another, and as we walked, I watched the baseball bat that laid against his back shoulder. I studied it, trying to see if it had been used recently. It looked impeccably clean, but that didn't mean he hadn't washed it. As we passed a large window I could see the sun was rising high into the sky. It was mid-morning; I had spent the entire night in that cell.

We came to a stairwell and Negan led me up a few flights. We walked into another hallway, and this time there were people. The moment Negan was in their sight, they dropped down onto their knees and bowed their heads down. I watched them, astonished at how they responded to his presence. We marched by them and they didn't even look up from their places on the floor. Negan paid them no mind. I wondered if he had them trained to do that. Everything this man seemed to do was so over the top; I assumed that if he killed me, it would be just as dramatic.

We approached a door and Negan walked right in, while I followed behind obediently. I looked around the room as we entered and realized I was entering a bedroom—and by the looks of it, it was Negan's.

My eyes immediately shifted towards the large bed that was to the left of us. It was perfectly made with its grey pillows and a comforter draped across it. I wanted so badly to flop down onto it and sleep, but my adrenaline had kicked in during our climb up here at the thought of Negan hurting me or having hurt my friends. I needed answers.

I turned and looked at the large window panes and black curtains that were tied back to allow the sunshine in. There was a little living room type of area on the other half of the room. He pointed at a boxy chair, and I sat down in it. He moved across to a black, leather love-seat and sat down across from me. I watched him carefully, waiting for him to speak—after all, he was in control.

I was finally _really_ looking at him, and doing so made me feel self conscious; Negan looked fresh, well-rested, and showered. His hair was slicked back, and he was wearing his black leather jacket, with his pristine, crimson scarf tied around his neck. I hadn't been able to sleep and was suddenly very aware of the bags that probably now lived underneath my eyes.

Negan was looking at me as he leaned back on his sofa.

"I don't tolerate lying," he said coldly. "And what you did was very fucking stupid."

He was right, but I didn't move or speak. I just listened, stone-faced.

"Any other fucking time I would've beat the holy hell out of you for doing it, but I like to think I'm a pretty forgiving guy."

I frowned at him. He raised his eyebrows at me.

"The fuck is your problem?" he asked.

"Is Philip dead?" I questioned, watching his expression for any hints. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I just told you I'm not gonna punish you for flat out fucking lying to me, and you're not even going to say thank you?"

"Please, just tell me if he's okay," I begged, and I heard my voice hitch. I didn't want to cry in front of him again.

Negan let out a loud sigh, and then set his barbed-wire bat on the other side of the love-seat. He put an arm around the back of the sofa, set his boots on the table in front of us, and stretched out. I waited for him to answer me, desperate to know what had happened.

"He's fine. They're all fit as fucking fiddles, okay?" he replied and turned his head to look out the window.

"Really?!" I asked, sitting up.

"Well unlike you, I'm not a fucking liar," he snapped, turning to look back at me with a sardonic expression.

I couldn't help but let out a relieved laugh and I sniffled, still fighting back tears—tears that were now ones of relief instead of worry.

"Baldy is back in charge," he explained, watching my reaction. He almost appeared to be enjoying my response to the good news.

"Thank you." I smiled at him, trying my best to show how grateful I felt. Negan snickered and picked up his bat with one of his hands, then started to spin it absentmindedly.

"And don't be pissed at Danny-boy. He came back to me and pleaded your case. Told me you fucking took good care of him and even hid him right under my damn nose. And I'll be real fucking honest, I had every intention of introducing Baldy to Lucille, but then you begged for his life. Holy fuck, there's just something so beautiful about the sight of a lady on her knees."

I gave him a dirty look, and he grinned mischievously at me. A moment later, his expression turned serious.

"I've done a lot for you, doll. More than I've done for any of these sorry shits. And I fucking get it; I killed your gate keeper. You don't like me for that, but he fucking threatened me. You and I are one in the same."

I had no idea where he was going with this, but I listened intently, feeling it more important than ever to do as he asked. My friends were alive—that's all that mattered.

"You lied because you knew I was a threat to your community. We just handle threats differently. You manipulate them; I eliminate them."

He was right; I really couldn't argue with that logic. I still didn't think Seth needed to die, but he had wanted to take Negan's life. That was all the reason Negan needed to kill him. I had learned about the Saviors and their terrifying leader, and used Danny's knowledge to try and gain an upper hand. It was my attempt to try and survive a little longer. It was why Negan had pulled the trigger. I didn't like it, but I could understand it.

"I like that about you," he continued. "And I could use someone like that here, at the Sanctuary."

I knew where this was going before he finished speaking. He was offering me a chance to live here with him. I was so thankful that my friends were okay, but the idea of not being with them made me feel sick. Negan seemed to be a stickler for the rules, and had bent them for me. I wanted to show him how grateful I was, but leaving my friends wasn't something I was willing to do.

"I'm flattered," I answered him, meeting his gaze. "But I can't live here. I want to go home."

Negan just stared and didn't say anything. I took a deep breath and sat up a bit straighter, hoping I wasn't making a massive mistake in turning him down. His hazel eyes bore into mine and I started to feel uneasy. His expression was completely unreadable.

"My friends need me," I added, hoping it would snap him out of his weird trance.

Negan finally sighed and put a hand to his beard, rubbing it as if in thought.

"How about this: you stay here for one day, and if you still wanna go back to that fucking Birdtown, I'll drive you back there myself."

"Doveport," I corrected him.

"Whatever," he said, waving his hand. "You get a good look at the fucking set up I got going on here and I think you'll change your mind."

I nodded in agreement. He was making me one hell of a good offer; I would be an idiot to try and argue more with him.

"Here." Negan leaned forward and picked up something from the table and offered it to me—it was my knife.

"Thanks," I said, taking it back and looking at it in surprise. He was trusting me with my weapon. I was shocked at the gesture, but then realized why he was doing it. I hadn't been able to attack him with the bat when he had challenged me to kill him. He probably doubted I would kill anyone with my knife.

He stood up and headed towards the door.

"Come on," he said. "Let's find you a tour guide." I stood quickly on wobbly legs, still stiff from spending the night on the concrete floor. I spared a quick glance back at his bed. It looked so comfy; I wondered if he made it himself. I couldn't picture him straightening out the sheets.

I turned to look at him standing at the door, and he was watching me with an amused look. He had caught me eyeing his bed.

"Unless you wanna spend the day rolling around in my sheets," he teased, grinning wolfishly.

"I'm good," I replied, tight-lipped.

Negan shrugged and then headed out the door. I followed him back down the hallway. We made a few turns and then came to a door. Negan knocked loudly a few times and the door opened. A tall woman with short blond hair was standing there and looked at Negan with a curious look.

"Naomi, this is Elle. Someone's gotta give her the grand tour, and I figured since you're not doing any-fucking-thing today, you could actually make yourself useful and show her the ropes."

Naomi looked slightly annoyed for a tiny second, but her expression quickly changed. She let out a deep sigh and then nodded.

"Of course, Negan," she answered obediently. Negan smirked at her and then turned back to me.

"Be good. And if you decide you wanna be naughty and try that bed out, come find me." He leaned down by my ear and whispered, "You can always _lie_ with me."

He didn't wait to see my disgusted look. He turned from the both of us and headed down the hallway with his bat over his shoulder, whistling as he went.

I turned back to Naomi and smiled at her. She smiled back.

Maybe things were actually going to be okay.


	9. Chapter 9: Hot Water

"So Elle," Naomi said, leading me down a hallway. "You guys have running water back home?" She was showing me through the Sanctuary and visiting with me as we went.

"Yeah, but it's cold. The school runs on well water, and we have generators, but we try to conserve as much energy as we can." I followed behind as we came into a long hallway with multiple doors.

"These are bedrooms. There's a bunch of people who live here." Naomi turned to me. "My room was upstairs, but there are some down here. Don't go into someone's room without permission, and don't take anyone's stuff."

"Got it." I smiled at her, and she turned to continue giving me the tour.

We walked down another hall and came up to a door that was open. Naomi went right in and I followed.

"This is Dr. Carson." Naomi gestured at a bald man in a white lab coat who was sitting at an office desk. "He's the one you go to if you get sick or whatever."

He looked up and smiled thinly at me.

"This is Elle. She's new." Naomi gestured to me while walking up to his desk. She took a lollipop from a glass and offered me one. I shook my head and she shrugged, taking off the wrapper and popping it in her mouth.

"Nice to meet you." Dr. Carson nodded at me and then looked back down at some papers he had been reading. He appeared very tired, and maybe even anxious.

"Alright, let's leave the doc alone." Naomi spun on her heel and headed out the door. I walked behind her quickly, trying to keep up with her fast pace.

"So the way things work around here is we all get points. You get them for doing your assigned job, and the bigger the job, the more points you get. You can use points to buy shit. So you can get new clothes, food, and basically whatever the hell is available to you."

We went down another flight of stairs and came to a large room filled with people moving about. There were colored window panes and tables spread all across the room. Each table had items; some had jars, others had blankets and clothing. Some people were stationed at the individual tables, and others stood in lines waiting for their turn at each table. It reminded me of an indoor flea market.

"This is the marketplace. This is where you spend points. Or you can trade stuff." She gestured to a woman who was selling quilts. She had multiple blankets folded neatly and stacked on her table. They looked beautiful, and I couldn't help but study her patchwork. The woman caught me staring at her quilts, and I smiled a bit at her. She smiled back.

I couldn't help but wonder about Negan's offer. He was giving me a chance to live here, and I was really considering it. Sanctuary seemed very nice so far. Did that mean my friends could come too? And if they could, would they? I couldn't imagine the others agreeing to leave the school and move in with Negan, and I wasn't about to abandon my friends.

I took one last look around the large room before Naomi led me out of the marketplace and into a locker room. She went over to a dresser and took out a towel, a wash cloth, shampoo, and a bar of soap.

"Why don't you clean up a bit? You look like you could use a good shower." She offered me the supplies and I took them and nodded. I thought about asking if I looked that gross or smelled bad, but opted to just start undressing. I had spent the night on a floor and didn't want to delay the chance of having a refreshing shower.

Naomi wandered around the room as I striped and stepped into the stall, pulling the curtain back. I shivered and pulled the knob.

I gasped when the cold water hit me, and within seconds started to heat up. I couldn't help but laugh as the warm water rolled over me, and I welcomed the sensation.

"Nice, right?" Naomi asked from outside of the shower stall. I poked my head out to see she was sitting on one of the benches with her legs crossed. She was running a hand through her hair and she grinned wide at me.

"It's heavenly," I said, stepping back underneath the water and poured some of the shampoo she had given me into my hand. I lathered it into my hair and moved back under the stream to let it rinse out.

"You can take your time in there. It's the middle of the day, so everyone's working. You don't have to share the hot water."

I smiled and moved my face to feel the flow against it. I hadn't had a hot shower in so long, and I had forgotten how good it felt. It was because of the dead coming back that I realized how much I had taken for granted before. Hot showers, beds, food—I had never truly appreciated those things until they were scarce. I continued to grin as the water poured over my skin, turning it red.

"So did he ask you to marry him yet?" Naomi's voice pulled me from my thoughts. I knew she couldn't see me, but still I furrowed my brow at her question.

"Negan?" I asked, bending down to get the soap and rag.

"Yeah. I suppose you haven't met his wives yet." She said it so nonchalantly, like she had when she told me about the rest of the Sanctuary. I remembered Danny telling me that Negan had wives, but I really hadn't had time to dwell on it. Now that I could process it, I wondered why he needed so many women to swear themselves to him.

"No, he hasn't," I answered, taking the bar of soap and lathering it into the wash cloth.

"I'm surprised. Good looking girl like you would be right up his alley," Naomi said. "He's got a whole harem of them. And they don't have to do jack. They don't work for points, and all they're tasked with is keeping him happy in the bedroom, which is the easiest job in the fucking world. The man's like obsessed with pussy."

I had started to wash my body, but couldn't help but let out a laugh at Naomi's choice of words. I had already experienced Negan's flirtations, and had assumed as much.

"Did he ask you?" I inquired, curious to know. Naomi was a lovely girl, and if Negan was collecting wives, I was surprised she wasn't one of them.

Naomi chuckled.

"Yeah. Right when I came here." She was so laid back and it was easy to talk to her. Perhaps it was naive of me to open up to her, but her entire demeanor made me feel relaxed. I wondered if that's why Negan had picked her to be my guide.

"Why didn't you say yes?" I asked, rinsing the soap off my skin and looking down to watch the suds disappear down the drain.

"I'm not into dick," she replied simply. I let out a chuckle and she laughed with me.

I couldn't help but think about being married to Negan, even though he hadn't even asked. I didn't think I could say yes to a man that had killed my friend, but he had shown me kindness, letting me off for my lie. The Sanctuary seemed incredibly safe, and things appeared to be really good, all things considered. Eric and Amy could raise their child and have less to worry about. Compared to the school, it was clearly the better choice. I knew that my friends wouldn't want to leave Doveport, but it couldn't hurt to try and convince them. Hot water would make a good selling point.

I finished rinsing the soap and turned off the water, reaching out and taking the towel Naomi was handing me. I dried off and pulled on my same clothes, but still felt so much cleaner than I had before.

"I know there's still a lot of the tour left, but I haven't slept." I explained, zipping up my jeans and drying my hair.

"No, I totally understand. You look exhausted. We have a room available, but we should grab a bite to eat before you hit the hay." She walked out of the shower room and I followed behind. My hair was still damp but I didn't mind—I smelled clean and was grateful.

Naomi led me into another large room, but this one had multiple lunchroom tables. There were even more people inside, and they all had plates of food in front of them. At the far end of the room was a long table that was set up like a buffet.

"Go sit. I'll get you your plate." Naomi pointed over to an open spot at a table, and I walked over and sat down. I watched her get in line at the little buffet. It only took her a few minutes, and then she was back with a tray of food for the two of us. I smiled to see there was spaghetti and a pitcher of water on the tray with two little glasses. My eyes widened in surprise to see freshly baked bread too.

Naomi sat across from me and we both started to eat.

"So, you're from that school, right?" Naomi asked, twirling her fork in her spaghetti.

"Yeah," I responded, and took a bite of bread. I savoured the fluffy texture, and couldn't help but immediately take another bite. Bread was another thing I had taken for granted.

"Can I ask what happened there? Rumor has it, you spent the night in a cell," Naomi set her fork down briefly to pour some water into the glasses. I nodded slowly and looked up at her from my food.

"I lied to Negan. Danny told me he goes easier on women, so I told him I was the leader. Negan found out I lied, and that's why I'm here." I wasn't sure why I was telling Naomi all of this, but I felt I could trust her.

Naomi raised her eyebrows.

"I'm shocked you're still alive. Negan doesn't usually tolerate that kind of shit. People who mess up around here almost always end up getting punished."

"Punished?" I set my fork down.

"He's known for burning people's faces when they break the rules. There's a couple people around here who have the scars to prove it. And that's not even the worst thing he's done." She shook her head and made a disturbed face, as if just thinking about it was making her sick.

"That's horrible. I know he has the tendency to be a little extreme," I replied, thinking about what happened with Seth. I wondered how many people Negan had killed. Did he even know?

"Tell me about it." She continued to shake her head, and then looked over my shoulder and her eyes narrowed.

I turned to see a man enter the dining room and head right for Naomi and me. I spun back to my plate and picked up the bread, taking a big bite. The man rounded the large table and sat down right next to Naomi. He was very close to her and I could see her tense up. He had a huge scar on his face and a tattoo along his neck. His head was shaved, but he had a dark patch of hair on his chin.

"Hey, Naomi!" he said, putting his arm around her shoulder. "Who's your friend?"

"The new girl," Naomi answered coldly, staring down at her tray. I noticed she didn't give him my name like she had with the doctor.

"Hey, new girl." He smiled at me and I nodded at him, not understanding what was happening. He was clearly making Naomi uncomfortable, and that was making me feel uneasy too.

"You liking this place?" he asked, taking his arm off Naomi and leaning across the table towards me. His eyes were scanning my down my body and then met my gaze again.

"Yep," I answered, looking down at my food. I knew he was still staring at me with that creepy smile on his face. We sat in silence and no one spoke, so I looked back up at him, and his grin grew even wider.

"She one of Negan's?" he asked Naomi, turning to look at her.

"Does she look like she's wearing a dress and heels?" Naomi snapped. The irritation was obvious in her voice.

He smirked at her remark and then turned his head to take me in again. I did my best to avoid eye contact.

"I'll let you ladies enjoy your lunch. See you around, new girl."

He continued to grin at me, and then stood up from the table without saying anything else. I turned around slightly and watched him leave the room. His presence had me feeling less hungry, but didn't want to waste any food.

"Sorry about that," Naomi mumbled, still looking down at her plate. "Some of the men act like pigs around here. They try to mimic Negan's demeanor, but most of them fail miserably. That's probably why he's in charge. Ladies love him, and men want to be him."

"Not all ladies," I pointed out, smiling at her. Naomi chuckled and nodded.

"True." She pointed her fork at me, and then brought it back to her lips, taking another bite.

We finished eating, and afterwards Naomi showed me where we put the trays and garbage. Then she led me back into the hallway and towards the bedrooms we had been at before. She walked right up to a door and twisted the knob, and then motioned inside.

"It's all yours," she said, and I walked in to see a twin bed and a little dresser pushed against the wall. There was a small desk with a chair across the room and a few toiletries were set neatly on the desk. It was a cozy little room and after taking it all in, I turned to her and smiled.

"You get some rest, okay? I'll come check on you in a little bit. Have a good nap!" Naomi pulled the door shut and I continued to look around the room. I sighed in relief, realizing I was finally going to be able to crash. The hot shower had me feeling drowsy.

I walked over to the bed and pulled back the comforter. It was light, but I couldn't wait to curl up underneath it.

I had just started to kick off my shoes when I heard the door open behind me. Thinking it was Naomi, I turned to greet her, when I saw it was the man from earlier—the one that had sat down with us and had acted so weird.

I tilted my head a bit in confusion, and then felt my heart drop as he pulled the door closed behind him.

"What are you doing?" I demanded.

He continued to smile and started to move towards me.

"You try out that bed yet, new girl?" he asked, closing the distance between us. I glared at him, and took a step backwards.

He moved closer and I had alarms going off in my head; my fight or flight response kicked in and screamed I needed to get out.

I tried to bolt for the door, but he grabbed my arm and threw me towards the bed like I was nothing. My back hit the mattress and I scrambled to get up, but he crawled on top of me, pinning me down. I flailed frantically, not willing to let _this_ happen.

He clawed at my shirt, and ripped it away from my body in a fast motion. I sat up and tried to shout, but he moved a hand to cover my mouth.

"You better shut your mouth bitch," he hissed. I looked up at him with frantic eyes, and that sick smile returned on his face. He was enjoying my terror.

He was pinning me down so hard, I couldn't get free, but I continued to struggle beneath his grasp. He moved a hand to grasp my bra and breast. I pushed with all my might, but couldn't get away. He was stronger than me.

My chest raised up and down, and I looked over at the door, wishing so badly that Naomi would come back. She thought I was sleeping. She wouldn't be back to check on me for a while.

The man started kissing my neck while still holding me down, and I felt my eyes start to water, knowing there was no way out of this.

I could hear my heart pounding in my head as he started to unbuckle his belt and he forced his mouth on mine. I twisted my head away and he gripped my chin and held me in place so he could kiss me. I felt his tongue enter my mouth, and my hands were grasping for something—a _nything_. He pulled me up and started to kiss my neck and his hands continued to grope my body roughly.

And then I felt my knife— _the knife Negan had given back to me._

The man continued to forcefully kiss me as I gripped the handle, unsheathing the knife slowly. He didn't notice as I grasped it firmly in my hand at my side, out of his view. His mouth moved from mine and down my neck.

"Please stop," I begged, as he bit down onto my collarbone.

He laughed at me and got off the bed. He pulled down his pants, and then I felt his hand grasp the zipper on my jeans. I held the knife down and out of his sight. He started to pull my pants off when panic really set in.

I couldn't let this happen.

Without hesitating, I sat up quickly and stabbed the blade into his neck. As soon as it went in, I pulled it out and the sharp edge ripped out in one swift motion.

Blood gushed as soon as the knife cut through, spraying out all over the bed and me. His eyes grew wide as the realization of what I had done hit him. He moved a hand to feel the wound at his neck, and then his eyes went to me. They were frantic and angry. He tried to gasp for breath, but the wound continued to spray blood over the both of us.

He was no longer pinning me down, so I backed up as far as I could on the bed, still clutching onto the knife. I stared into his terrified eyes as he sputtered, trying to speak, but couldn't form words.

He went to take a step towards me and stumbled, falling onto the floor next to the bed. He was laying so that he was still facing me and I could see the look of terror in his eyes as he continued to bleed out in front of me. His hand moved to the mattress and he tried to lift himself up, but then fell again.

I gripped the knife, and remained frozen in fear against the wall on the bed. It only took a few minutes until the little gasps stopped and the room grew eerily quiet—the only sound I could hear was my pounding heart.

He was dead.

 _And I had killed him._


	10. Chapter 10: Afraid of the Dark

I don't know how long I sat on the bed with my legs pulled to my chest, clutching the knife like my life depended on it. I stared at the lifeless body of my attacker slouched against the mattress, waiting for him to get back up.

But he didn't.

I felt like someone had unplugged my brain at first, completely frozen in terror, unable to process what was happening. Then it was like I rebooted, and I was flooded with my thoughts.

Earlier I had talked with Negan…

Then Naomi had shown me around the compound.

Then we had dinner and I was going to take a nap…

And then…

 _Then I killed someone._

It was self defense. He had tried to hurt me. I asked him to stop. And he didn't.

So I killed him.

My heart was beating so hard that I thought it was going to climb out of my mouth and jump on the floor with the body. I didn't blink. I wondered if he was really dead. What if he was faking it, and tried to grab me when I tried to leave? And what would I do next? Try to escape the compound? I couldn't. Negan wouldn't let me after this.

 _Negan…_

Did he know about this? What would he think? I was sitting in a room with one of his men—a man that was now dead because of me.

Was this Negan's plan all along? Was this some sort of test?

My eyes never left him. His head was hanging down so I couldn't see his face anymore, and blood was sprayed all across the bed and my body. I didn't dare move. I felt so incredibly trapped.

Time seemed to stand still forever before I heard a knock at the door. I wanted so badly to call out to it, but I couldn't speak. They knocked again, a little louder. Then the door slowly opened.

I wanted to turn to see who it was, but I continued to stare down at the dead body. I heard a little gasp come from over by the door. It was Naomi.

"Elle?" she asked slowly, taking a step into the room. I felt a few tears stream down my face, but I couldn't speak to her. I sat there curled up and clutching my knife out, unmoving.

"Elle, what happened?!" Naomi demanded, and I could see she was staring down at the body too. I tried to answer her, and I just couldn't.

When I didn't respond, Naomi turned and left the room in a hurry, and my heart sank. I wanted to scream at her _'Please don't leave me!'_ but I wasn't able to take my eyes off him—off the man I murdered.

More time passed, and then I heard loud footfalls headed towards the bedroom. There were a few people coming my way. I felt the urge to get up and run, but I knew I had nowhere to go. I was trapped. _So trapped._

"If this is a fucking joke, I am _NOT_ laughing," I heard a familiar voice bark as it neared the room.

Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Negan appear in the doorway and look right at me. He didn't say anything at first, and just stared at the sight in front of him—the sight of me, sitting against the wall on the bed, covered in blood, my shirt torn off and holding a knife out in front of me, and a dead body propped up against the bed and the floor.

I wanted so badly to read his mind and know what he was thinking discovering _this_.

"Get lost," he ordered, and the two other men standing in the hallway disappeared along with Naomi.

Negan stepped into the room slowly, the barbed wire baseball bat laid against his shoulder. He looked down at the dead body for a few moments, and then back to me. He stepped over it and moved so he was leaning over the bed.

I didn't look away from the man I had just killed.

I felt Negan's hand against mine—the hand that was clutching the knife, as if it was the only thing keeping me together. His touch was so soft and gentle, and he sat a bit on the bed so he was eye level with me.

I felt him slowly remove the knife from my hand, and I didn't fight him. He took the blade away carefully, and continued to watch me for a reaction. I felt a few more tears roll down my cheeks, and then finally I looked at Negan.

He was looking at me so concerned. It was an expression I had never seen on the man, and one I never thought I would.

 _He looked worried._

As if the action would bring me comfort, I suddenly felt the urge to look back at the body, but I continued to stare at Negan. The tears continued to fall, a steady stream down my face.

"Did he hurt you?" Negan's voice was soft, and he very slowly brushed my cheek with his thumb. I watched his hand move away, and could see there was some blood on it that he was trying to remove.

I found my voice, but it came out in a hushed whisper.

"He tried."

I looked away from him to try and see the body, but Negan moved over so he was blocking my view. He exhaled loudly, and then leaned in towards me to try to get my attention.

"You need to get up and come with me," he said gently.

I nodded slowly, my gaze moved down so I was staring at Negan's chest. The idea of getting out of this room had my body finally syncing with my brain, and I started to get up from the bed when I heard a low growl from the floor and I froze.

Negan and I both turned to see that my attacker had turned, and was now one of the living dead. The corpse sat up slowly and twisted its head to look at us. I stared into the lifeless eyes of the man I had just killed, and I couldn't breathe.

Negan lifted his foot and kicked the walker to the ground. I remained sitting on the bed as Negan stood up, and his grip on his beloved bat tightened. The walker was already trying to get up again when Negan brought the bat down on its skull and blood flew everywhere. I didn't turn away and watched as Negan continued to beat in its head over and over and over.

Even long after the walker was dead, Negan swung the bat again and again.

He was mutilating it.

The next thing I knew, Negan took my hand in his, and pulled me up from the bed. I stepped over what was left of my attacker, and he led me out of the bedroom. We walked into the hall, and I saw his men standing there, waiting for him.

"Get some soap and water. And hurry the fuck up!" he ordered, pulling me along with him.

In a matter of seconds, we were back in his bedroom, and he led me to the same chair I had been in earlier. I sat down slowly and looked around. I was starting to become more aware of what was happening now that I was out of that room.

Negan's men brought a basin of water and a washcloth in what felt like moments since he had ordered it. They set it down on the table in front of me, and I saw some sort of fabric too. The men went to leave his room when Negan turned to them.

"Clean up what's left of that fucker," he commanded in a low voice, and they hurried out of the room, pulling the door shut.

I looked over at the items on the table and realized what the fabric was.

A shirt.

I glanced down at my body and remembered I wasn't wearing one. My bra had blood spray across it, and my chest and neck were covered too. My jeans were still unzipped.

Negan came back over to me and crouched down, taking the washcloth and dipping it into the water. He brought it up to my face, and very carefully, he started to wipe at my skin.

The water was ice cold, and I tensed up as the cloth made contact with my skin. Negan hesitated for a moment, and then continued to clean my cheeks. He didn't speak as he gently scrubbed the blood away.

It wasn't long before Negan finished with my face, and then looked down at the blood covering my body. He reached out and took one of my hands, placing the wet rag against my fingers.

"You need to clean your chest," he mumbled, standing up and moving to sit on the couch right across from me. He was looking at me as if I was about to fall apart right then and there.

I didn't lift the rag and instead stared down at it.

"I'm sorry," my voice quivered. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes.

That look of concern came over his face again, and I realized _he had never seemed so human before._

"You don't need to be sorry," he answered, bringing a hand up to his face and narrowing his eyes as he looked away from me. "That fucking bastard got an easier death from you than if I had been able to get my hands on him."

"I haven't killed anyone before." My voice came out in a squeak, and I looked back down at the rag. Walkers? Sure. But I had never killed a human being.

"You were defending yourself. That man knows that type of fucking bullshit isn't allowed around here. He fucking deserved what he got."

I shivered and realized I was starting to get cold, and in the same moment became very aware I was sitting with Negan in my bra without a shirt.

I took the rag and started cleaning off my chest quickly, in the hopes I could put the shirt on soon. But as I cleaned my skin, I noticed Negan wasn't looking at me. Instead, he was looking away. I wondered if he would have made a joke if the circumstances won't so serious—if he would have ogled me and said something dirty. But he didn't. He averted his eyes the entire time until I grabbed the black shirt and pulled it over my head.

"Naomi was supposed to keep an eye on you. I shouldn't have left you with her." Negan appeared to be thinking out-loud.

"It's not her fault!" I blurted out, worried that he was going to hurt her. "She was very nice to me. I'm the one who told her I wanted to take a nap."

"She shouldn't have left you alone!" he exclaimed, looking back at me. He was pissed. He was getting angry thinking about what had happened, and I wondered if not being able to kill that man was doing this to him. Negan wasn't able to get his hands on my attacker, so he wanted to punish someone else for what happened.

I sat up and leaned across the small space between us. I reached over, taking his large hand into mine, and squeezed it softly. My action caught him off guard, and he knit his brows together, looking at me confused.

"Please don't blame, Naomi," I begged softly, holding his hand in mine.

Negan looked down at my hand and just stared at it. Then he looked back up at me, still so concerned and his expression was so soft.

"Fine," he answered.

I wondered if the only reason he was complying was because of what had happened. He probably pitied me, seeing how fragile I was. I became irritated at the idea. I wasn't this weak little girl that he was looking down on. I was stronger than this, and had just been caught off guard. I wasn't about to let what happened ruin me.

"I want to go home now," I said firmly, watching for his reaction.

Negan sighed and shook his head, as if he saw it coming a mile away.

"You don't need to leave. I promise, that will _never_ fucking happen again. I'll make damn sure of it."

"I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to see my friends," I pleaded, squeezing his hand again. I hadn't pulled away.

"It's night." He was arguing with me, but it didn't sound like it. He was still being so gentle, and it was bizarre to see this new side of the man.

"It's too dangerous to go right now," he added, turning to look outside.

I shook my head and prepared to argue with him, and then I glanced over to the window. It was dark, and I hadn't even noticed.

I had been in that room that long.

I had stared at a corpse for hours.

"Are you afraid of the dark, Negan?" I asked, still staring at his windows. I had meant it to be a light joke, but I sounded so serious.

Negan scoffed.

"You're spending the night here. That's final."

I knew I wouldn't win this with him. I probably would never win an argument with this man. I nodded, and then looked down at the basin of water.

"But I can't go back to that room."

I hated to admit it, to him and to myself, but I was scared. I didn't want to have to go back there.

"You can sleep in my bed tonight," Negan said, standing up and heading over to a lamp on a bedside table. He switched it on and the room lit up more than it already was. He switched off the main light, and the room dimmed. I shook my head.

"That's okay. I can sleep on the couch," I stood up to move over to his love-seat when Negan spun to face me.

"I am _NOT_ like that piece of shit that tried to rape you," he said low, patting his mattress. "And I won't be joining you anyways. I have some things to take care of."

"Don't hurt Naomi," I said, a look of concern on my face.

"I said I wouldn't. Now get in bed, woman."

I looked over at the the bed—the same bed I had been eyeballing the first time I had come in here. The offer was incredibly tempting, and in that instant I was hit with exhaustion. I didn't care anymore about fighting him on anything. I just wanted to sleep.

I headed over to the huge bed and kicked off my shoes and socks. I got in carefully, pulling the large comforter back and feeling the cool of the sheets against my feet. The bed felt amazing and I set my heavy head against a pillow, facing Negan. He was standing by the doorway watching me, lingering in the threshold of the room.

"Comfortable?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm," I responded, closing my eyes and pressing my face against his pillow. He chuckled, but it wasn't his usual laugh. There was a serious undertone to it, and I wondered if he felt guilty for what happened. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, but I could feel sleep coming upon me fast. Before I passed out, I wanted to at least tell him one thing.

"Thank you, Negan." I mumbled, opening my eyes just in time to see the door shut, with him disappearing on the other side. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes again, and drifted off.


	11. Chapter 11: Peas

I woke up to find myself still curled up in Negan's bed. Sunlight poured into the room from his windows, and I could feel its heat against my face. Based on how bright it was, I knew it had to be late morning or early afternoon.

I sat up slowly and looked around the room. I was alone, and there was a fresh pair of clothes folded neatly at the foot of the bed. There was also a towel, a washcloth, and two tiny bottles of shampoo and soap—they looked like the little ones that hotels used to have.

I was sitting up and staring at the collection of items when the door opened and Negan walked in, looking right at me. He always looked so clean and lively. I let out a yawn and he smiled at me.

"Sleep well?" He moved his baseball bat to the floor and leaned on it.

"Yeah," I replied, rolling my shoulders a bit. His bed was very nice, and I knew I needed to get up, but a small part of me wanted to stay there and sleep more.

"I'm sorry I took your bed," I added, looking down at the mattress. It was huge, and we both could have easily laid together without having to touch. I wondered if he had slept; he looked well rested enough. I knew he was trying to make me comfortable so that I would stay, especially after what had happened.

My thoughts went back to the day before and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to picture the dead body slumped on the floor. I needed to forget it. It wasn't like I could take it back. I knew this was probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

"Don't worry about it," Negan's voice brought me back to the present. "I'm here to escort you to the showers, and then after I'll take you home."

I turned to look back up at him with big eyes.

"Really?" I asked eagerly, smiling at the idea of seeing my friends again.

"If that's what you want," Negan said with a serious expression.

"Yes, please," I answered, still smiling. I knew he wanted me to remain at the Sanctuary, but I needed to return to Doveport. It's where I belonged.

"First let's get you properly cleaned up." Negan gestured to the hallway, and I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. I gathered all of the clean clothes and shower supplies into my arms and followed Negan out of the room.

We walked in silence and he brought me to the same showers I had used the day before. He stood outside the room in the hallway, and told me to make it quick. I nodded and went to go inside the large shower room.

I undressed quickly, not wanting to make Negan wait long. My jeans were still open, and I tried not to think about why as I slid them down my legs. I removed the rest of my clothes and stepped behind the curtain. I looked down and realized I still had some dried blood on me. I watched the red rivulets run down the drain in a haze and thought back to the attack.

I hadn't really given the man who attacked me a chance to stop. Maybe if I had asked him again he wouldn't be dead. I remembered the feeling of his hands holding me down—the rough way he forced his mouth onto mine—and then, the look of panic in his eyes when I stabbed him. I hadn't wanted to kill him. I just wanted him to stop.

"You fucking die in there, or what?!" Negan's voice once again brought me back to the present, and I looked up in surprise from his voice. It was coming from the other side of the curtain. I hadn't realized it until he brought me back to reality, but I had started crying.

"Sorry!" I answered, and could hear the sound of my voice crack. Negan must have heard it too, because he sighed and responded much gentler.

"It's fine. We have a long drive back to the school and need to get moving."

I turned off the water and peaked out of the stall to see Negan was offering me my towel. I was completely naked behind the shower curtain, but he couldn't see anything. I shivered as the cold air started to tickle my exposed skin.

"I'll be in the hall." And with that, he turned away and headed out. He seemed to be guarding me, and I thought it was kind of sweet. I wondered if he felt guilty for that had happened. He was certainly acting very protective of me.

I got dressed quickly, thankful for the new underwear. I pulled my bra back on and looked down to see there were blood stains still splattered across it, but I wasn't willing to go without it. I pulled on the clothes Negan had brought for me—green cargo pants that were a little too big for me, and a white racer-back tank top. I brushed my hair as best I could with my fingers, not wanting to bother Negan for a hairbrush. I tried to avoid looking at my reflection as I combed my digits through my locks. I didn't want to have to face myself. Not yet.

When I stepped back into the hallway, Negan was leaning on the wall by the threshold of the door. He stared at me for a few seconds without saying anything; his eyes seemed to trail down, taking my new appearance, and then back up to my face. I smiled at him.

"Thank you," I said.

"Come on," Negan replied, turning away from me and walking ahead. I followed behind closely as he led me out of the Sanctuary.

We stepped outside where the big fence was with the chained walkers. I tried to ignore their growls and we headed towards a car. He opened the back seat and gestured for me to get in, so I did.

Negan threw something at me, and I glanced down onto my lap to see it was a black bag. I looked up at him confused, holding onto the thick fabric.

"Put it on," he instructed, shutting the car door and getting into the passenger side. A Savior I hadn't met before was already in the driver's seat.

"Why?" I asked, looking up at him confused.

"Fuck, woman! Do you want to go home or not?" Negan barked. I nodded quickly, and pulled the black bag over my head, making everything go dark. I figured he did it so no one would know where the Sanctuary was. It was really smart, and I decided I wouldn't argue with him on it. I was heading home. That's all that mattered.

I heard the truck start, and then we started driving. I became incredibly excited at the idea of seeing everyone again. Negan said he hadn't hurt anyone, and I trusted him to be telling me the truth. I knew they were going to have a lot of questions, especially now that I was wearing different clothes. I figured they were probably just as worried for me as I was about them.

The trip didn't take nearly as long as I thought, but we all sat in complete silence. I was surprised Negan didn't talk more, so I opted to remain quiet as we traveled. Although the drive was fairly short, the silence made it feel like an eternity.

Finally the truck came to a full stop. I didn't wait for permission, and pulled the little black bag off my head and blinked a few times to adjust to the light. I saw Doveport's gate and grinned wide. I was home.

The gate opened, and the Savior drove the truck into the school. Out the window, I could see Ryan looking at me, his expression one of total surprise and happiness. Vivienne was across the way kneeling in her garden. She stood up as the truck parked and started rushing over to where we were.

"I'll be dealing with Baldy from now on," Negan said, making me turn to look at his reflection in the rear-view mirror. "My offer to _you_ is still on the table." He wanted me to know I was still allowed to go back to the Sanctuary, but I think he knew it wasn't going to happen, especially after what happened the day before.

He moved his arm up so he was holding something over his shoulder at me. It was my knife. I nodded to him, and took it from his hand, trying to keep my mind off of the last time I had used it. Our eyes locked in the mirror for a few long moments, before I turned to look out the window. I could see Vivienne had neared us and was slowly approaching the truck.

"Thank you," I said to him, and I meant it. He had brought me home, and it was all I wanted.

Negan stared at me in the little mirror and his expression was very hard to read. He looked like he was in deep thought, and he continued to watch me as I got out of the vehicle.

I shut the truck door, and was surprised when it turned around and pulled out of Doveport. I figured he was going to address everyone again, but watched as Negan and his Savior disappeared beyond the gate and Ryan closed it.

Vivienne didn't say anything at first and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in for a big hug. She held me in her arms and squeezed me tight. I heard Amy's voice calling my name from the front of the school, and then the sound of people approaching, but I couldn't see because my face was pressed into Vivienne.

"We were so scared, Elle. We thought you were dead. I'm so happy you're okay." Vivienne hugged me even tighter, and I could hear she was crying. I hugged her back.

"I'm fine," I managed, pulling back to look at her. She had tears streaming down her face, but was smiling. I looked behind her to see Amy, Eric and Philip were standing there. Amy moved fast and threw her arms around me, almost knocking me off balance. She hugged me tight, and Eric patted my shoulder as she hugged me. When she let go of me, Philip pulled me into another hug. I felt a lump form in my throat and struggled not to cry. I had thought he was dead, and knowing he and everyone else were really okay was such a relief.

I didn't want to tell them about what happened. I was more than willing to talk about the Sanctuary, and most of what I had learned, but the attack… and the man I had murdered—I didn't think I could tell them about it. Would they understand? I didn't want to take that risk.

My mind wandered back to that bed, the blood spatter, that look on his face when I had jabbed the knife deep into his neck…

"Elle?" Philip asked concerned, rubbing my back.

I snapped out of it and smiled a little at him. He was looking at me very concerned, and the others looked at me confused.

"Are you guys okay?" I asked, wanting to get my mind off _that_.

"Yes, everyone is fine. Negan told me he wasn't going to kill me because you were taking my punishment. I assumed the worst. We all did." Philip continued to rub my back comfortingly. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing," I responded, probably a bit too quickly. "Can we go inside?"

Philip noticed my fast response and furrowed his brow at me, but nodded.

We all walked up to the school together, and Amy was telling me about the last two days. They had cleared out the rest of the cars in the traffic jam. There wasn't much left, and Eric and her had set out to find another place to scavenge. I nodded as she talked to me, but couldn't help but look over to where Philip was, still staring at me.

 _He knew._

There was no way he knew _exactly_ what had happened, but Philip had always been good at reading people and knowing when something was wrong.

We entered the school and Philip cleared his throat.

"Elle, can I talk to you alone?" he asked, and gestured in the direction of his office. I knew there was no avoiding this, and nodded. The others lingered by the front as I walked with him. It felt awkward, but I knew there was no avoiding this.

We entered the little room, and I went to the seat in front of the desk.. He walked over to the big leather chair, and sat down. He didn't take his eyes off me and leaned forward.

"I'm so sorry, Phil. I-"

"Don't apologize, Ellie. Everyone here is okay, but something happened at the Sanctuary, didn't it?" Philip's eyes were scanning me over, trying to figure out what happened. "Did Negan force you to do something you didn't want to do?"

I scrunched my face at his words. Negan hadn't made me do anything. It was that man—that monster, who crept into my room and—

 _No._ I wasn't going to go back there.

"Negan didn't do anything to me," I mumbled, averting eye contact. I knew Philip wouldn't be content until he got an answer, but I couldn't give him the whole truth.

"One of his men tried to hurt me," I admitted, still looking off to the side. I was doing my best not to picture it again. "He came into my room and forced me onto the bed. Negan killed him."

I was lying to Philip and I didn't like it, but I couldn't tell him I had murdered someone. Then it would be real. And it wasn't a full lie; Negan had killed my attacker, but only after he had turned. I had been the one to stab him in the first place and take his life.

"Jesus… Ellie, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Philip asked, still so much concern on his face.

"I will be. I just need some time." I wanted to change the subject off the incident. "I met a really nice woman named Naomi. She showed me around the factory. They live in this big building and he's got walkers chained up on a fence outside. Naomi told me Negan has multiple wives living there, but I didn't see them."

"Wives!?" Philip exclaimed, reaching across his desk for the whiskey bottle. I watched him pick it up and screw off the little glass topper to pour some into a tumbler. "This is insanity, Ellie."

"It's crazy," I agreed, and watched him take a sip of whiskey before putting the glass down and looking back up at me. "I'm just glad that you're okay. Negan ordered that we continue to gather supplies for him every week. Amy and Eric have been doing their best, but I think most of us gave up hope when we thought you were dead."

"I can go out today and help look for supplies," I offered, sitting up in the chair. The idea of getting out and having something to focus on sounded really good.

"You should take a day off," Philip suggested, his expression serious.

"I'm fine, Phil," I assured him. "I want to."

Philip sighed and leaned back in the big office chair.

"You know, I might be the leader of Doveport again, but it certainly doesn't feel like it." Philip said with a laugh, and he scratched his bald head. "I think you did a good job running things."

I chuckled and stood up.

"I wasn't really in charge," I pointed out.

"You could be if you wanted to." Philip was looking up at me from across the desk with the tumbler in his hand.

"Just be careful, Ellie."

I had turned to leave the room when he said what he _always_ said when I was about to go out on a run. He was wishing me the best, constantly so worried about my well being. I had only met Philip a few months back, but it felt like I'd known him my whole life.

"I will." I grinned at him and turned, leaving the office.

* * *

It felt good to just go on a scavenging run by myself. We usually had a "buddy system" and always traveled with someone else, but I needed some alone time. I didn't want to have to answer everyone's questions about what happened. I just wanted to focus on something other than Negan and his Sanctuary.

I only drove a few hours before I came to a small town that looked completely ransacked. Most places were stripped of anything worthwhile, and good finds were too rare. I slowed the car and saw a group of walkers roaming around the streets, looking for their next meal. I decided I would press my luck and go through some of the houses.

It only took me a few minutes to learn that this place was just as it appeared—completely looted, and had next to nothing for us to use. I loaded up a few blankets I had found inside a house into the trunk, and was getting ready to leave, when I spotted a tree-house in the front yard of one of the houses I had searched. There was a little rope ladder hanging down, and I wondered if there was anything good up inside.

Moving quietly over to the tree, I carefully climbed up the flimsy ladder until I reached the top. I pushed open a square wooden door and pulled myself up inside the tree-house and smiled.

There were multiple boxes lining the walls and they were filled with food and water. There was a handgun sitting on a little makeshift table, and a sleeping bag was laying across the middle of the floor. I grabbed one of the food boxes and threw the gun into it, starting the process of loading everything up. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to make Negan happy for a week.

I had started to roll the sleeping bag up when I heard the sound of the plastic foot holds scraping up against the bark on the tree. Thinking it was a walker, I went over to the box and took the gun out. I looked down the opening to see it wasn't a walker, but a woman, climbing up the ladder and focusing on her footing as she pulled herself closer to the top.

 _I was in someone's shelter, stealing all of their shit, and they were about to catch me._

I only had a few more seconds before she discovered me, so I backed up from the door and looked at the windows of the tree-house. They were far too small for me to climb out, and even if I could, it was too high up. Feeling I didn't have another choice, I crawled over against a wall and aimed the gun at the opening. I didn't want to have to kill this person, but now knew I was more than capable of defending myself.

The woman's head popped up and looked right at me as I aimed the gun at her face. We locked eyes and stared at one another for a few moments, neither of us moving.

"Fuck," she said simply from her place on the last rung of the ladder.

I didn't know what to do next. I wasn't a thief, and didn't want to take away this person's chance at survival, but I also didn't want to die. Fortunately for me, she was unarmed from climbing up the ladder.

"If you're gonna kill me, you might as well get it over with," she sighed, raising her eyebrows at me. For someone who had a gun pointed at her, she seemed incredibly calm.

"I didn't realize this was yours. I won't take anything. I'll just go," I said slowly, hoping that she would agree and we could both go on our way.

"Can I finish climbing up without getting a bullet in my face?" She watched me for my answer.

"Just don't try anything," I warned, still aiming the gun at her. I was scared that she would do something, but really didn't want to shoot her. There had been a lot of walkers, and I still needed to get back to my car.

"I just want to get off this shitty ladder." She tilted her head at me, as if waiting for my permission. I nodded, giving her it.

She finished climbing up into the tree-house and pulled the rope ladder up with her. I continued to aim the gun as she shut the little wooden door, and I studied her. She had medium length brown hair that was tucked behind her ears, and she was very tall. She was wearing skin tight gray pants and a black tee shirt that looked dirty. I noticed she had carried up a bag, and she tossed it to the side. As I took her in, she seemed to be doing the same with me. She had turned to face me, and held out her hand.

"Can I have my gun, please?" she asked nonchalantly.

I squinted my eyes, still aiming it right at her.

"It's not even loaded," she added, taking a step towards me and reaching forward. Before I could respond, she removed the gun from my hand, and I didn't stop her. I hadn't even thought to check for bullets.

She sat down onto the floor with her back against the wall and pulled the magazine out of the cartridge.

It was fully loaded.

She lied.

 _Shit._

My heart stopped for a split second when I realized she now had the upper-hand, but she set the gun down on the floor next to her and stretched out her legs. She didn't appear to be a threat, and I did my best to calm my nerves.

"I'm Elle," I mumbled, slowly sitting down on the floor across from her. I felt like leaving would be rude, but truth be told, the gun still made me nervous.

"Charlotte," she said with a smile."I see you found my home."

"I was just scavenging supplies for my group. I saw the tree-house and was curious. I'm sorry."

Charlotte shrugged, still grinning at me. She seemed friendly enough.

"Walkers can't climb trees," she explained, reaching over to the box where I had been loading up supplies. She pulled it over to where she was sitting, and rummaged around inside.

"Hungry?" she asked, not looking up from the box.

"No, that's okay. I'm fine," I said, eyeballing the gun that was next to her. We were trying to build trust, and that was a difficult thing to do these days.

"Here. I hate these things." She pulled out a can and tossed it at me, making me reach up to catch it before it could fall. It was a can of peas.

"It's a peas offering. Get it?" She chuckled at her own joke.

My stomach made a loud growl, and I realized it had been a while since I had eaten anything. My last meal was at the Sanctuary with Naomi. I hadn't really been hungry after what had happened.

"Your group must really be struggling if your stomach is making noises like that," Charlotte said, opening up a can of mandarin oranges. She dug out a plastic fork for herself, and tossed me a plastic spoon. I opened the can of peas with my knife, and shoveled some into my mouth. Peas weren't my favorite either, but I wasn't about to complain. Something was better than nothing.

"We get by okay. It's just been a rough last couple of days, and things haven't been normal," I admitted between bites.

"What even is normal anymore?" Charlotte asked with a laugh, and took a bite of her oranges.

"My group actually does pretty good, all things considered, but there's this group that makes us work for them called the Saviors." I don't know why I felt like I could talk to Charlotte, I just did. I had always been a bit of an open book. The words were coming out before I could stop myself, but she didn't seem to mind.

"Saviors? That sounds fucking stupid," Charlotte said, drinking some of the syrup from her can.

I laughed and nodded. "They're a little over the top. We have to give them supplies every week and it's very frustrating."

"So you're a slave?" Charlotte asked, looking up at me.

"No. It's not that bad…" I trailed off, realizing I was starting to defend Negan. _Maybe it was that bad._ He was forcing us to give him supplies when we could barely afford to feed ourselves. Things had become much more stressful and difficult since he had come into our lives, and I hadn't really thought about it much, but we didn't exactly have any freedom anymore. We lived and breathed Negan.

"I used to be with a group too, but not anymore," Charlotte mumbled between another bite of oranges. "I don't mind being on my own cause I don't have to lose anyone. It's nice when you only hafta look out for yourself."

I nodded, understanding what she meant. I couldn't do what she was doing. I needed to be with people, and the idea of being alone terrified me. I thought about Negan, and how he had to look out for hundreds of people. Did he ever mourn their deaths? Did he mourn that man I had killed? Had they been friends? Had I murdered one of his friends?

Once again my thoughts went back to the man I killed, and my expression must have soured, because Charlotte set her can down on the wooden floor.

"You okay?" she asked. I looked at her and wanted so bad—no, I _needed_ to talk about what happened. The others might not understand, but maybe Charlotte would. And if she didn't, she was just a stranger, so it wouldn't really matter.

"I killed someone," I whispered, looking down at the dusty floor of the tree-house. Charlotte didn't say anything, and I realized how vague I was being. "I went back to their colony—the Saviors—and this guy tried to rape me. I stabbed him."

Charlotte was looking at me with a blank expression as I spoke, and then she picked up her can of oranges again.

"Good riddance," she muttered, taking a bite. "I've killed people too, but every single one of them had it coming. You'll probably have to kill again, and my advice? Never hesitate. That's how you end up dead." Her words brought me back to the time Negan had put his bat into my hands and told me to kill him. He had told me something similar then, about not hesitating.

"Sometimes we have to kill to defend ourselves and the people we care about. That's just how it works now." She shrugged and took one last bite, before setting the empty can onto the floor.

"You should come back to Doveport with me," I blurted. I know I was being very trusting, but I just had this feeling in my gut that Charlotte was a good person. We could use more people like her.

"Doveport?" she asked, stretching her arms out in front of her.

"It's our community. We all live at this little school. There's a wall surrounding the building, and it has a reinforced gate to keep the walkers out," I explained.

Charlotte chuckled nervously, and then looked at me with a kind smile.

"I appreciate the offer Elle, but I'm fine on my own."

I furrowed my brow, not convinced.

"We have plenty of food. Vivienne has a really neat garden, and we have a spare bed." _Seth's bed._ I didn't think anyone had even been inside his bedroom since his death.

"I don't want to have to work for the Saviors," Charlotte said sternly. "I like my freedom, and would like to keep it that way."

I couldn't blame her. I was still disappointed she wouldn't even give it a chance, but I nodded with a frown. It wasn't like I was going to force her.

"Where's this school at?" Charlotte asked, pulling out a map from the little bag she had brought up with her and opening it up on the floor between the two of us. I pointed on the map to where Doveport was located.

"Tell you what, if I change my mind and decide to stop being such a loner, I'll come find the school." She crumpled up the map and shoved it back into her pack.

I smiled at her, happy she was at least willing to think about it.

"I should probably get going," I said, reaching over and opening the little wooden door to the tree-house.

"Hang on. I'll send some stuff with you." Charlotte reached over to another box against the wall and started tossing things inside.

"No, that's alright. You don't have to give me anything," I protested, putting my hands up. Charlotte pulled a toolbox out from near one of the boxes and set it inside the box she was preparing for me.

"Not like tree-houses need much maintenance," she laughed, setting a few cans of food inside, and then pushing the box towards me. "Seriously, take it. I have plenty."

"Thank you," I said sincerely. "Take care of yourself."

"See you later!" Charlotte sang out. I carefully balanced the box on my hip and made my way down the rope ladder. It was a bit tricky to get down, but in a few moments my feet were back on the ground, and I looked up at the tree-house. I had left the gun on the floor, not wanting to take any weapons from her. I was glad things had went well with Charlotte. Our little meeting could have easily led to one of us dying, but she was proof there was still good left in this hellish world.

I trekked back to my car and set the box inside the trunk. Pulling out my keys, I rounded the vehicle just in time for a walker to come up near me. I pulled out my knife and stabbed it in the side of the neck.

I watched it fall to the ground, and was suddenly transported back to that bedroom in the Sanctuary. I was curled up on the bed, and _he_ was looking down at me with terrified eyes, as blood gushed from the deep wound. I couldn't look away.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, willing myself to stop. I didn't need to think about that. I just needed to get home.

Opening my eyes, I looked over and up at the tree-house and smiled.

Perhaps it was because I had just met someone friendly, but for the first time in a long time, I felt that maybe— _just maybe_ —things were going to be okay.


	12. Chapter 12: New Management

A week later, the Saviors' trucks pulled up to Doveport and we filed outside. I was actually eager to see Negan. I wanted a chance to talk to him about what had happened. He was the only one in my life who really knew.

I frowned when I realized he wasn't with them.

Instead, Adam—the man who had dragged me to the Sanctuary and thrown me in the cell—stepped out of the passenger side of one of the trucks. The other Saviors watched him closely. I didn't need to him say anything to figure out that he was the one in charge today. The other Doveporters watched him walk up to where I was standing in front of the school. He was wearing a short sleeved shirt, and his tattoos were visible, dancing up and down his arms all the way up to his neck. He was looking past me, as if he didn't even see me.

"Where's Negan?" I demanded, blocking his way to the school where Philip was standing by the front doors. Amy and Eric came outside and joined him. They looked around for Negan, confused when they didn't see him. It was the first time the Saviors had come to our community without their leader. I couldn't help but wonder if the reason he hadn't come was because of me—because of what had happened at Sanctuary.

"I'm here to talk to the man in charge, not you," Adam hissed, placing a hand onto my shoulder and pushing me to the side to continue on. I followed him over to where Philip was.

"Hey, old man! Looks like I'm in charge of you dipshits now, and I'm expecting you to really pull through for me."

"We'll do our best," Philip said, crossing his arms and frowning. He seemed just about as frustrated with this new situation as I was. We hadn't even been confident when dealing with Negan, but at least we had a good idea of what we were working with. Adam was a whole new ticking time bomb we would have to learn to diffuse.

"You'd better deliver. Because if you don't, someone's gonna die. And I would hate to break up your little family here." Adam turned and looked to me. I was standing to his side and glaring at him. He was trying to be intimidating like Negan, but I wasn't buying it.

Adam noticed my scowl, and grinned wide at me.

"Except Elle doesn't have to worry," he added. "When you spend the night with Negan, you get a free pass." He winked at me. I narrowed my eyes even more at him. Philip turned to look at me confused, and I pointed over to the wall by the gate.

"Your shit is over there. Take it and leave," I growled, crossing my arms.

"Ohhhhhhh, you didn't tell them, did you?" Adam raised his voice, and the other Doveporters looked over to where we were standing. Amy and Eric stared at me with wide eyes and at what Adam was implying. "The last night she spent at the Sanctuary, she slept in Negan's room."

I could have killed him.

The silence that grew spoke volumes. Everyone was looking at me with shocked expressions, but I didn't make eye contact with any of them and continued to glare at Adam. I wasn't going to stand there and let him make an ass of me.

"Leave," I hissed in a low voice, getting up into his face.

"Aren't you feisty. I bet that's why Negan likes you." Adam grinned wide at me. Then he turned away and shouted for his men to start taking the supplies. I felt my face grow red hot as the others said nothing, and we waited for them to load up their supplies.

Once the boxes were loaded, the Saviors got back into their trucks and Adam turned his attention on Philip.

"We'll be back in a week for our shit. Don't disappoint me, old man!"

With that, he got behind the wheel of one of the trucks, and they all drove off beyond the gate. Philip let out a long sigh once they disappeared down the road. I turned to see _everyone_ was staring right at me, as if they were seeing me in an all new light. I frowned at them.

"I didn't fuck Negan!" I shouted, taking them all by surprise, and making them all avert their eyes—all of them except Amy, who was looking at me with a worrisome expression.

I turned away and stormed into the school, pissed off that Adam had made it look like I was sleeping with Negan. I didn't care what his men thought, but I didn't want my friends thinking less of me. Many of them still saw Negan as a bully, and we all remembered what he did to Seth. They hadn't seen that more human side that I saw when I was at the Sanctuary. They probably wouldn't believe me even if I told them.

I entered the little teacher's lounge that was near Philip's office; we used the area as a makeshift living were a few couches and a big table inside. I sat down on one of the sofas and put my head in my hands.

I really didn't want to have to explain what happened at the Sanctuary. Doveport didn't need to know about the man I murdered. They didn't need to know I slept in Negan's bed, but Adam was trying to force my hand. We had only been dealing with him for one day, but already I was sick of him.

"Elle?" a soft voice brought me out of my thoughts. I turned my head to see Amy slowly entering the lounge.

"What?" I snapped, and immediately regretted it. She had a look of concern on her face, and I let out a sigh and spoke again before she could. "I'm fine, Amy. It's fine."

"You're not fine," she said, coming over to sit next to me on the couch. "I don't know what happened at the Sanctuary, but I know you. And I know you didn't sleep with Negan."

I took a deep breath and exhaled for a few seconds. It was a relief to know she wasn't falling for Adam's shit.

"I just feel like things were easier when the Saviors weren't in control of everything—when all we had to worry about were the walkers," I muttered.

Amy nodded in agreement, and then leaned back into the couch, stretching out. I stared at her stomach that had extended slightly from her pregnancy. I thought about how it wouldn't be long before Doveport would have a new addition; she was about 15 weeks along. Then I thought back to the Sanctuary.

"He has a really nice place," I told her, still looking down at her stomach. "It's guarded well. It would be a good place to raise the baby. It's safe there."

"Can't be _that_ safe if Negan and his goon squad are running things," Amy responded with a chuckle. "I'm sure he has a nice home, but I want to raise my child here, in Doveport."

I couldn't blame her. She hated Negan, and I knew it. And she had a point; the Sanctuary, although safe, was still a place controlled by a man who carried around a barbed wire baseball bat and dropped the f-bomb every chance he could. It wasn't the best place for children, and Doveport was safe in its own way. She was already thinking about what was best for her baby.

"You're gonna be a really good mom, Amy," I said, smiling up at her. She had told me when we first met that she really wanted a baby. Now she was further into her pregnancy, and I knew she was excited, but also terrified about what was to come.

Amy smiled at me, and I watched as her eyes watered from my comment. I patted her shoulder, surprised that it was getting to her. She turned her head away and sniffled.

"Stupid hormones," she grumbled, wiping at her eyes. We laughed together and I squeezed her shoulder. Suddenly things didn't seem so bad with Adam trying to embarrass me. Amy had my back, and that made me feel so much better about things.

A knock against the open door made us both look up to see Philip was peeking his head in the room.

"Am I interrupting?" he asked.

"No, Phil. You're fine." I said, smiling at him. "Come in."

Philip made his way over to the other couch and flopped down onto it with a loud sigh. He was staring off into space, and looked so incredibly tired.

"I'm already sick of Adam," he muttered, rubbing his head. "I hate to even say it, but I kind of miss Negan."

"I wouldn't go _THAT_ far," Amy said with a laugh.

Philip chuckled with her, and then turned to me.

"I'm sorry that he said that stuff about you and Negan. I know he's full of shit."

 _Not quite._ I had spent the night in Negan's room—in Negan's bed. But Negan hadn't joined me, and I wasn't sleeping with him. I wondered if Adam thought I was. He was certainly implying that I had.

"We're running out of supplies to give them," Philip continued, "We're only gonna be able to keep Adam happy for a few weeks, unless we can find some new places to scavenge." Philip looked out the window that was facing Vivienne's garden. I looked out it too and could see she was working in it as usual.

"Don't worry, Phil. We'll make it work," I assured him, smiling.

"It's too bad you're not sleeping with Negan," Amy joked. "Maybe then we could catch a break."

The three of us laughed, and I lightly shoved her shoulder and faked a scowl.

She wasn't wrong. Negan seemed to have taken an interest in me, but we weren't dealing with him anymore.

* * *

Another week went by, and then Adam was back for his supplies. We weren't able to find anything new, so we scrounged up supplies from previous finds and filled a few boxes. Philip went out to greet him, and I followed him; I didn't want to leave Philip alone with Negan's men. There was something about Adam that made me feel uneasy.

Per usual, we lined up the boxes over by the school wall. Without greeting us, Adam walked over to inspect the multiple boxes, and then turned to face Philip.

"You can do better," he growled, narrowing his eyes at us. He strode over to where we were standing, and pointed a finger into Philip's face.

"I asked you to deliver. There's hardly anything here!"

"You're right. We'll do better next week," Philip said calmly, meeting Adam's menacing gaze. I glared at Adam as he berated Philip. I hated that we had to coddle the jerk. Philip was only telling him what he wanted to hear. We really didn't have much left to give, and were trying to spread it out as best we could.

"Load it up!" he ordered, and his men began picking up the boxes and carrying them to the truck beds. Adam continued to stand in front of us and a smile formed on his lips.

"You're kind of a pushover, ain't ya, Phil?" he asked.

"I just want to make sure we keep _Negan_ happy," Philip replied, still stoic as ever.

Adam narrowed his eyes, and his lips turned into a frown at the mention of his leader.

"You're working for me now, old man," he growled, taking a step so his face was right next to Philip's. Philip looked away, backing down and nodded. Adam smiled wide at Philip's submission.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

He smirked and then turned to leave. I took a step closer to Philip and scowled at Adam as he and the Saviors got into their trucks and drove away.

"You okay?" I asked gently, putting a hand on Philip's arm. He was watching the trucks drive out of the gate, and I could see the worried look on his face.

"I have a bad feeling about this, Ellie." He turned and looked at me, frowning.

I wanted to reassure him that things would be fine, but I couldn't. I had that same feeling. I still didn't understand why Negan had put Adam in charge and wasn't coming here himself. We were only a week in dealing with Adam and it was exhausting.

"Me too," I finally admitted, after a long silence. We needed to find another place to get supplies, or we were in big trouble, and we both knew it. I wondered what kind of punishments Adam had in mind for us if we didn't get him enough stuff. That alone was enough to keep me up at night. I couldn't let anyone else get hurt.

Eric walked over to where Philip and I were standing in the parking lot.

"I'm going on a run. Does anyone wanna join me?" he asked, pulling on a backpack.

"Where's Amy?" I asked, looking around outside. The two of them were usually tied at the hip. Seeing Eric without her was surprising.

"She's not feeling good, so she's laying down. The baby has been kicking her ass lately," he said with a laugh, and then looked over to where the boxes had been stacked up against the wall. He also had a worrisome expression that mirrored Philip's. We all seemed to be on the same page when it came to Adam.

"I can go with you if you want," I offered. Getting out beyond these walls was like getting fresh air, and I needed that badly.

Eric smiled and nodded at me. He didn't like to travel alone, and I couldn't blame him. Scavenging could take hours, and it was always preferable to have someone to visit with. I knew I wasn't his first choice, but since his wife wasn't feeling well, I was happy to be the one to go with.

"Careful out there," Philip said, turning to head back into the school. I watched him as he trudged inside. I hated how much stress this was putting on him.

I turned back to look at Eric and forced a smile; I didn't feel very hopeful about finding anything, but we had to at least try.

"Okay, let's go."

* * *

We drove down the road and kept our eyes peeled for anything we could scavenge. Eric was behind the wheel, and I sat next to him in the passenger side. It was getting late, but the sun hadn't set yet and we were determined to find something before daylight disappeared on us. I was leaning against the window and silently begging the universe to give us a break.

"That Adam guy is a real prick," Eric said, breaking the silence. "I kinda liked it better when Negan was the one doing pick ups."

"Yeah, I think we all feel that way," I said with a sigh. Who would have thought we would be missing Negan? The man had killed our friend Seth, but even he was less irritating than Adam. Negan's wrath made sense in a morbid way. Adam was trying too hard to be like his leader, and that could end up being bad for us very fast.

Eric pulled the car into a familiar town, and I realized it was the same place I had met Charlotte. Feeling excited at the idea of seeing her again, I pointed down a road.

"Turn here. I need to check on something."

Eric looked at me confused, but did as I asked. We drove down a few blocks until I could see the big tree with the wooden walls within its branches. The walkers were gone; there wasn't a single one in sight. Before this town had been crawling with them, but it seemed they had moved on in the weeks since I'd been there.

"Pull over?" I asked, unbuckling my seatbelt. I was out of the car before it was even completely stopped. Eric watched as I jogged over to the treehouse.

"Charlotte!" I called up, but didn't receive an answer.

I grabbed the flimsy ladder and climbed, calling her name again.

My head popped up into the little wooden house, and I frowned.

It was completely empty.

Charlotte, and all of her things, were gone. All that was left were a few cans of peas shoved up against the wall. I reached over and took the cans into my arms, and then made my way back over to the opening of the treehouse. I tossed the cans gently down onto the grass, and then looked around one last time at the now empty treehouse. I climbed back down and gathered the cans in my arms. I knew I had a huge frown on my face as I returned to the car and opened the backseat door, setting the cans of peas inside.

"Hey! Good find! How did you know those would be up there anyways?" Eric asked, shifting the car into drive and pulling away from the treehouse.

"I met someone out here. She was living up there." My eyes went back to the tree, and I continued to frown. "I don't know what happened to her, but she's gone. I was hoping I could see her again."

Eric slowed the car and looked back to where the treehouse was.

"Maybe she moved on to someplace safer?" he tried to be reassuring, "A treehouse isn't exactly the best place to live."

"Yeah," I mumbled, looking out the window. I wanted to believe she was okay, but it was possible I'd never find out what happened to her.

We continued to drive and search for supplies, but I couldn't stop thinking about Charlotte.

I wondered if I would ever see her again.

If I did, I'd have to thank her for the peas.


	13. Chapter 13: Served Cold

A month passed, and we were struggling to hand over supplies to Adam. Our resources disappeared quickly as we handed over everything we had. We spent every day frantically searching for a new place to scavenge, but everything was ransacked. Eventually, we didn't even have enough food for ourselves. Apart from Vivienne's garden, we had nothing left to give.

I went out all day to try and find anything that we could give to please the Saviors, but failed to find supplies. Unlike Negan, Adam showed up every seven days for his stuff. So seven days later, we were desperate.

After driving around all day, I returned back to Doveport empty handed and saw the others were just as unsuccessful. We met inside the school to discuss our options. The sun was starting to set, and Adam was going to be arriving any minute. He had made it very clear that if we weren't able to deliver, we would pay.

"I could dig up my garden," Vivienne suggested. "There's plenty of food there and it could buy us another week." I could see the worry in her eyes as she spoke.

"You've worked too hard on that, Viv," Philip said, squeezing her shoulder. "And we need to eat too."

"We could give them one of the cars," Amy pointed out, but Philip shook his head immediately.

"No, we need that to gather supplies. If they take that, we're gonna be in even worse shape than now." He was right; we needed the cars.

"Why don't we just talk with him?" Eric asked. "Explain to him that we're doing the best we can."

"He isn't going to want to hear excuses," I said, crossing my arms. "We still have that toolbox. We could hand that over." I thought back to meeting Charlotte and how she had given that to me without even hesitating.

"Okay." Philip agreed, nodding his head. "And we can show them around the school and offer them anything they want to take."

I headed to my room to grab the toolbox, and then returned to where the others were still standing near the front doors. It wasn't long before Ryan pulled the gate open and the Saviors' trucks drove into the front yard of the school. We watched as Adam jumped out with his men and headed up towards the building. I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, but did my best to ignore it.

Philip pulled the door open for him, and Adam marched in and pushed Eric out of his way as he stepped inside.

"Hello, assholes!" he sang, turning to look at Philip. "Where's my shit?"

"Here," I said, handing over the toolbox. Giving him the tools made me feel a bit sad because it was all I had left to remind me of Charlotte. We had already given them the other supplies she had sent home with me.

"I don't want this," he growled at me, and then turned back to Philip. "Well? Where's the rest of it?!"

"We can show you around the school and you're free to take anything you like," Philip offered in a calm voice. Adam glared at him, and then started to laugh.

"I've seen your pathetic little school." He took a few steps so he was right in Philip's face. "Do you have my shit, Phil?"

Philip held his head high and didn't look away from Adam.

"No. We don't have anything. We tried."

Adam stared him down for what felt like an eternity before letting out another laugh and backing away from Philip. He shook his head while he continued to chuckle.

"This won't do," he whispered in a low voice. He was looking at the ground with a sadistic smile, and then looked back up to Philip.

"Everyone outside, _NOW_!" he yelled. The few Saviors that had followed Adam inside the school pointed their guns at us, and we all stood there terrified.

"Radio Negan!" Adam ordered his men. "Tell him that Doveport failed to provide."

We were led outside and forced to stand in a line. It was late, and the sun had set so there was very little light left. Philip was next to me on my right side, and Vivienne was on my left. I glanced down the line to see Amy and Eric were further down. They both looked as irritated as I was. I glared at Adam as he paced in front of us. He seemed to be trying to mirror Negan's actions.

"You had _ONE JOB_!" he shouted at us as the other community members were dragged out of the school and led over to the lineup. Everyone was incredibly silent as they joined us. We were constantly being tormented by these people, and it was getting old.

"You can't even do that! And so now you will be punished!" Adam scanned our faces as we all glared at him. Our defiance seemed to piss him off even more, and he looked over his shoulder back towards the school. He seemed to be focused on something, and when he turned back to us he had an evil grin plastered across his face.

"Dig up the garden. Take all the food," he ordered his men. I watched as Vivienne hung her head down at the realization her beloved garden was about to be raided.

"Wait! Don't do this!" Philip said, taking a few steps towards Adam. "Vivienne has worked so hard on it."

Adam shoved Philip to the ground and laughed at him as Philip struggled to stand again.

"Stupid old man," Adam spat.

"It's okay. They can take the food." Vivienne said, with her head hung low.

Unable to do anything, we watched as the Saviors went into the garden and started digging up all of the vegetables. Vivienne started to cry and the sound broke my heart. I had watched her work her ass off for months in that garden, only for them to take everything in minutes. One of the Saviors had carried over a box, and the others were tossing the produce into it. After everything was dug up, they turned and looked to Adam.

"Destroy it," Adam commanded in a low voice, glaring at Philip.

"No!" Vivienne cried out, looking up just as one of the Saviors tore one of the signs off a post. They began kicking the dirt around and destroying the little mesh fence that had ran along the garden. Adam laughed the entire time and put his hands on his knees, as if the sight was hilarious. Philip started to make his way over to stop the Saviors when Adam saw him. In a split second, Adam punched Philip in the face and knocked him onto the ground.

I ran to where Philip was laying, holding his face and had almost reached him when Adam pulled out his pistol and aimed it at me.

"Don't move," he threatened. "All of you get on your knees. It's time to accept your punishment."

I slowly lowered myself to the ground while still glaring up at Adam. The other Doveporters obeyed as well, and I knelt near Philip who had started to sit up, but was still holding his face. I saw blood was gushing out of his nose.

"We gave you the toolbox and all of our food! We don't have anything else to give!" Philip shouted out, and for the first time that day I heard anger in his voice.

Adam walked over to where Philip was now sitting up fully on his knees and pressed the pistol against Philip's forehead. Philip continued to look up at him defiantly. Adam glared down at him, and then smacked the gun across Philip's face hard, knocking Philip back to the ground.

" _STOP!_ " I screamed, moving to go to Philip, but a Savior pointed a machine gun towards me. I watched as a line of blood rolled down the side of Philip's head and he didn't move from his place on the ground.

" _GET UP!_ " Adam shouted, pointing the gun at where Philip was laying on the pavement. Philip slowly started to get back onto his knees, and I could see he was struggling to keep himself up. The sight was killing me, and I couldn't stand it anymore.

" _LEAVE HIM ALONE!_ " I shrieked as loud as I could, which made Adam turn and look at me. I clenched my fists at my sides.

Adam moved away from being in front of Philip and marched up to where I was kneeling. He got right up in my face and smiled wide.

"You're lucky you're Negan's pet," he hissed in my face.

"You're pathetic," I growled. It was taking every ounce of control I had not to get up and attack him. I felt my chest rise and fall heavy as we stared one another down. Adam continued to grin and nodded slowly as I glared at him. He lifted his hand and pointed the gun towards my forehead.

"Do you still wanna play leader, Elle?" he taunted, pushing the barrel into me. I raised my head so it pressed further into the gun.

"Philip is Doveport's leader," I uttered, my eyes still narrowed on his.

Adam grinned wide cocking the pistol.

 _"Not anymore."_

I didn't have any time to react. It happened so fast, like a bolt of lightning striking the earth in a single instant. One second Adam was smiling in my face and I could feel the tip of the gun pressing against my skin, and the next his arm extended away from me, to the side. He turned his head to look…

And he pulled the trigger.

I turned to see Philip fall down onto his side, facing me—the gunshot wound right in his face—blood pooling out of the tiny little hole in his forehead—his eyes were wide and permanently open. They were fixed right on me as he laid there motionless.

I stared down in horror at his lifeless body—the body of my friend. I couldn't look away from Philip and barely heard the others start to sob behind me. I knew the Saviors were still pointing their guns—I knew that Adam was still standing right in front of me, but all I could do was look at Philip.

 _Just like that, he was gone._

Adam walked over to where the body was and crouched down by it.

"Should have gotten me my shit," he chuckled, and spat onto Philip's corpse.

I felt frozen in place, unable to move or even look away. My friend, the man who had taken us in and been such a light in this dark world, was dead.

I heard Adam start to laugh and pace in front of the others just as headlights flooded the front gate. I didn't look away from Philip, but could see a Savior was opening up the gate in my peripheral vision. The sun had finished setting, and it was completely dark now. The light from the trucks illuminated part of Philip's face, and I stared into his lifeless eyes.

"What the fuck is going on here?!" a familiar voice demanded.

 _Negan._

"Doveport didn't do their job, so I taught them a lesson they're _NEVER_ gonna fucking forget," Adam informed him while laughing.

Negan came around the front so I could see him near Adam. He looked over to where I was kneeling on the ground next to Philip's body.

"You shot Baldy," Negan didn't sound sad, but disappointed.

Vivienne was bawling, and I could hear the others were crying too. I wanted to move—to say something, but all I could do was look into Philip's dead eyes.

I barely noticed Negan make his way over in front of me.

"Is that true, Elle? You didn't provide?" His voice was so calm and relaxed, as if he wasn't standing next to a corpse.

I couldn't answer him.

Negan waved a hand in front of my face, but I barely noticed the action.

I couldn't look away.

"Anyone gonna fucking answer me?!" he shouted, turning his attention on the other Doveporters.

"We tried to find supplies and we couldn't!" Vivienne wailed. "We gave up the garden and all our tools. And now… Phil… oh god Phil…" She sobbed even louder than before.

"Adam, is this true?" Negan inquired, turning to look at him.

"Yes, but it wasn't enough!" Adam exclaimed. His entire demeanor had changed once Negan showed up. He wasn't acting as cocky, and seemed to be trying to plead his case to his leader. "These pieces of shit were slacking!"

Negan came back in front, and I could tell he was staring down at me.

"I fuckin' liked Baldy." Negan said matter-of-factly. "You didn't have to fucking kill him."

"Y-you put me in charge!" Adam sputtered. "These motherfuckers had to pay! Why not take out the weak, old, piece of shit?" Negan's attention turned back to Adam as he spoke.

Maybe the shock started to wear off, or maybe his words struck a cord, but my head snapped up to look at Adam, and I felt my blood boil.

 _"You're a murderer!"_ I screamed. My sudden outburst made Negan look at me with a furrowed brow. I could hear the others were still crying, but all I felt was anger.

 _"So are you!"_ Adam yelled loud. "I know what you did to A.J. He may have been a son of a bitch, but he still mattered. You killed my friend, now I've taken away yours."

It didn't dawn on me until he finished speaking that he was referring to the man I had killed at the Sanctuary—the man that had tried to rape me, but then it made sense. Adam wanted revenge for me killing his friend. He had probably just been waiting for an excuse to hurt me, _and today he had found it._

"Stand up, Elle," Negan ordered, but I ignored him and continued to scowl at Adam. I felt a hand grip one of my shoulders forcefully and pull me upwards. Negan was bringing me to my feet, but he wasn't hurting me. I continued to glower at Adam.

"Hold this," Negan instructed, placing something against my hand. I felt my fingers wrap around a handle—the baseball bat's handle. I didn't understand why he was giving it to me, but I wasn't focused on that. I didn't take my eyes off Adam.

Negan walked over to where Philip's body was slouched onto the ground. He bent over and studied the corpse and the bullet wound as if to make sure Philip wasn't going to come back as a walker. I didn't realize at the time, but it was why he handed me the bat—so he had both hands free. He turned the body over so that Philip was no longer looking at me, and then stood up straight again.

"A.J. was a mother-fucking rapist, piece-of-fucking shit and deserved to die," Negan snapped at Adam. Adam watched Negan with a sad look on his face, but didn't argue with him. "I put you in charge because I thought you could handle it."

"I can handle it, sir," Adam replied. "Especially now that the stupid old man is dead."

I looked back over to Philip's body that was no longer facing me and was now unable to look into his eyes. I couldn't believe he was gone. It didn't feel real.

 _None of it felt fucking real._

"Everyone here respects you, Negan. They didn't start kissing your ass until you killed that stupid gatekeeper. Now that I've killed the bald bastard, maybe they'll learn their place," Adam explained. He watched as Negan started to walk around and looked down at the other Doveporters.

"What exactly was your problem with Baldy that you gotta have a dick measuring competition with the guy?" Negan demanded, crossing his arms and stopping across the way from me. Adam turned his back on me to face Negan.

"He was a _weak_ , _horrible_ leader! He's doing more for us rotting on the ground than when he was running shit. That old man was _worthless_."

 _Weak—_

Philip had been the _strongest_ of all of us.

 _Horrible—_

He had given us a _home_.

 _Worthless—_

His friendship had meant _everything_ to me.

Those words—all of it. Every little insult upon Philip made something inside me snap.

I didn't think. I didn't hesitate. I felt my grip on the baseball bat tighten, and I sprinted at Adam.

All the anger—the sadness—every bit of rage I was feeling was unrestrained, and I screamed as I ran towards him. Lifting the bat up above my head and to the side, I swung as hard as I could.

It was absolutely silent when the bat connected with the side of Adam's head. As I pulled the bat back up again, blood rolled down from the puncture wounds where the barbed wire had dug into his flesh. He remained standing a few seconds before he toppled to the ground. I raised the bat high and brought it down again.

And then again.

And again.

And again.

I continued to hit him over and over—blood sprayed all over me as I bashed his head in continuously. I watched as it turned to mush beneath me, and still I swung the bat.

I don't know how many times I hit him, but eventually I couldn't swing anymore and I stopped and clung to the wooden bat tightly, the end of it was covered in mangled skin. His head was crushed; bits of bone and flesh were mashed together where it used to be and his lifeless corpse laid stomach down on the blood soaked ground.

I was breathing heavy as I finally stopped, and then froze as the realization of what I had done hit me. Shock took over once again, and I stared at Adam's body, waiting for the sound of gunfire to take me out.

But it never came.

The silence was deafening. I thought maybe time had froze, until I felt a large hand come up against mine and ever so slowly remove the baseball bat from my grasp. Negan was standing next to me and pressed his head against my hair.

"We're even now," he whispered low, so only I could hear him.

 _Even?_

I didn't understand what he meant. Those three words replayed in my head, and I tried to make sense of what he just told me. And then I understood it:

A life for a life.

Philip was dead.

 _And now, so was Adam._

I stared down in disbelief, shocked at what I had done.

"That was one _HELL_ of a fucking show!" Negan exclaimed, backing away from me and looking down at what was left of Adam. "Lucille loves it when ladies play with her. Damn Elle, I think I'm in love!"

 _Love._

The word made me look up at him. How could he joke around right now? How could he have enjoyed _this_?

Negan was looking right at me, and his expression was one of pride.

He was _proud_ of me.

This was his plan all along. He had placed that dreaded bat into my hands. He had egged Adam on. _He wanted me to do this._

Finally, I looked at the others—the Saviors that looked shocked and confused—and my friends, who were all staring at me in total shock and fear.

 _Fear of me._

I felt bile rise in my throat as I took in their terrified expressions just as Negan's voice grabbed my attention again.

"Elle is in charge again, unless anyone has any objections!" Negan said chuckling. "Though something fucking tells me none of you are gonna fight her _after that_." He walked up to me, and I felt my hands start to shake. I looked back over to Philip's body, and then down at Adam's.

Negan brushed a strand of hair away from my face.

"Bury Baldy. Say some prayers, or whatever. Then it's time to get back to work."

His voice was so cold, that I looked up at him and felt my eyes start to water. I killed Adam—the second person I killed. But this wasn't like the first time. That first time I had killed in self defense. This was something else.

This was just plain murder.

I continued to stare into Negan's eyes and felt tears welling up in my own. He lifted a gloved hand and caressed my cheek.

"Beautiful," he whispered, tilting my face up towards him. I thought he was going to kiss me, but he let go of my face and turned away.

"Same time next week then?"

I turned to look at him, and felt tears start to spill down my face. Negan looked at me one last time, and just as before, that sympathetic look was etched onto his features, but this time it was even briefer than the previous one.

"Move out!" he ordered. Within seconds, the Saviors were loading into their trucks, same as always, and pulling away.

Except it wasn't the same.

Even after they were long gone, no one moved. I stood in front of Adam's body and stared off into space, wanting so bad to wake up from this horrendous nightmare.

I wanted Philip back.

I needed this not to be real.

"Elle?" a soft voice came from behind me, and I felt a hand on my shoulder that made me flinch. I looked over to the side to see Amy was standing near me. She looked so scared, so unsure. I was supposed to be her best friend, and she was looking at me like I was a monster.

I looked back over to Philip's body and then closed my eyes.

 _Oh god, what have I done?_


	14. Chapter 14: Monsters

_The car was almost out of gas when we pulled up to the gate of an old school. Amy was laying in the backseat, fast asleep. She said she wanted to try and pass out so she wouldn't have to feel the hunger pains. Eric was driving; he had suggested I try to sleep, but I just wanted to find a safe place to sleep for the night. This school looked promising; it had a big wall that went all around the building._

 _Eric parked the car and we watched as the gate opened, seemingly by itself. I got out of the car and approached the entrance to the school hesitantly. We hadn't had the best of luck with other survivors, and we needed to tread lightly. I figured if they killed me, Eric was still behind the wheel and could speed out of there._

 _A tall man stepped out beyond the gate and smiled at me. He had a shiny bald head, and a gentle face. His hand was rested on top of a ruger that was holstered at his side, but he didn't seem threatening. In fact, he seemed nice, even before he spoke to me._

 _"Hello," he greeted me._

 _I stepped up and raised my hands to show him that I wasn't going to attack._

 _"Please, my friends and I are out of food. We don't have anything but-"_

 _"Say no more," the man cut me off and gestured towards the school. "Please, come in. We have plenty to share."_

 _"Thank you," I said relieved, and I nodded at Eric to let him know things were good. He turned around in his seat to wake up Amy, and I looked back at the man._

 _"I'm Elle," I introduced myself._

 _"Philip," the man said, closing his eyes and tilting his head to the side. His smile was huge. "Welcome to Doveport."_

* * *

I fell to my knees right in front of Adam's mangled body and stared off into space. No one said anything for a very long time, but it was far from silent. The chirping of crickets swirled with the soft sounds of Doveporters sobbing and sniffling. We all wanted to wake up from this horrendous nightmare, but it was real.

Philip was dead, and I had just brutally killed Adam in front of all my friends.

My legs started to hurt, but I didn't move. I deserved to feel the sharp pain that was starting to build in my knees.

I deserved worse.

Eventually I heard Eric's voice speak up, which startled me out of my trance.

"What…do we do?" he asked slowly, and sounded so helpless. The others didn't respond, and I kept my mouth shut. I didn't have the answer. I couldn't even get myself off the ground.

After a while, someone finally answered him.

"There's a spot next to Seth, opposite side of the school. We can bury him there." It was Vivienne speaking, and she sounded emotionless and drained. "The soil is soft. I was going to build my garden over there, but Phil said it would be better in the front."

I remembered back only a short while ago when Adam had ordered them to destroy the garden, and I had thought Vivienne's cries were the most heartbreaking thing I could hear. Now she was speaking so coldly, and it made my stomach turn.

 _None of it felt fucking real._

"What do we do with him?" Amy asked from where she was still standing next to me. She was looking down at Adam—or what was left of him. She turned away from the body, and I could tell she wanted to vomit. The sight looked like something straight out of a horror movie. I was trying not to notice the chunks of skin and blood that were scattered on the ground before me.

"Throw it out in the woods," Vivienne instructed. I noted she was referring to Adam's body as an _'it'_ rather than a him.

I hardly noticed as Eric and Ryan came around in front of me and picked up Adam's corpse. They carried it off out of my view, and I turned my head and looked over to Philip's body.

"Amy, take everyone inside," Vivienne ordered, and I heard her get to her feet. Amy squeezed my shoulder and headed into the school with the others following her in. Some of them were still crying. I looked up to watch them enter the building.

Then it was just Vivienne and me.

"You need to get up, Elle." Vivienne's voice was low, and she stood next to where I was still kneeling on the ground.

I didn't know what I could possibly say to her. Philip was dead, and it was my fault. I had killed A.J. He was Adam's friend, and his death had led to Philip's. I would never forgive myself for it. And on top of that, I had just beat a man to death with a barbed wire baseball bat.

"Elle?" Vivienne asked, even more gentler than before.

I slowly turned to look up at her and felt more tears fall down my face. Vivienne had streaks down her cheeks herself. She was looking down at me so concerned, the same way Philip used to look at me.

"I'm sorry." It came out as a whisper, and my hands clutched the ground tightly, digging up some grass and dirt. "I didn't… I didn't…"

I didn't know what to say.

I didn't have any words for how I felt, or what had happened. My eyes glanced back over to Philip, and I quickly turned my head, not wanting to see his body anymore. I just wanted to wake up from this fucking nightmare.

"It's okay, sweetheart. But you need to get up."

I swallowed hard, and nodded in agreement. I couldn't stay here forever, and it was late. Negan said we needed to get back to work. But how? How were we supposed to move forward after this?

I stood up slowly and looked down at myself. Adam's blood had splattered all over my clothes. I was covered in it.

We walked into the school, Vivienne leading the way with me following behind her in a haze. She led me back to the girls' locker room and told me to wait for a minute. I stood next to the metal lockers and stared off into space. Soon, she was back with a handful of things—a towel and a change of clothes.

I felt a sense of deja vu; after the man that attacked me—A.J.—had died, Negan had his men bring me similar items. It was becoming a habit. I killed a person, and someone helped me clean up.

 _Rinse, repeat._

"You need to change, Elle," Vivienne instructed, setting the items down on a bench off to the side. She approached me and put two hands on my shoulders, gripping them tightly.

I couldn't look at her. My mind kept replaying what had happened—Philip's lifeless eyes locked on mine—Adam's taunts, his cruel words about my friend—the anger that built in me so fast, and caused me to grip that baseball bat with all my might—the loud snapping sound as it connected with Adam's head.

I had killed him.

What did that mean for me? Would I continue to hurt people? Why did I kill him?

"Elle…" Vivienne murmured, trying to get my attention. Finally I looked back at her face, her soft features that looked so exhausted—so hopeless—so grim. How was she still willing to help me after what I had done?

"Am I a bad person?" My voice cracked as I spoke, and I looked away and off into space. I just wanted to be able to stop seeing Philip in my mind's eye, but he was haunting my every thought.

Vivienne squeezed my shoulders. "Look at me," she commanded, and I did. I turned slowly back to meet her gaze, and she looked so incredibly serious.

"Adam was a monster. That man was evil. Even Negan, who is a whole other kind of monster, knew it." She was gazing into my eyes with such ferocity that I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. "We need to keep moving forward. We have to survive against the monsters. The ones who want to eat us, and the ones like Adam."

I nodded at her, and she continued.

"Killing monsters doesn't make you a bad person, Elle. It makes you human."

Then why didn't I feel human right then?

I felt like a monster myself, standing in front of Vivienne with a man's blood soaking into my shirt.

She looked at me one last time with a sympathetic expression, and then left the locker room. I almost didn't want her to go.

I didn't want to be left alone with myself.

I didn't know who I was anymore.

* * *

We buried Phil in a spot next to Seth on the opposite side of the school from Vivienne's garden. I went to the funeral Doveport organized for him, and I did my best to ignore the multitude of stares I was getting. I knew what was going through their heads; it was the same thing that was haunting me over and over again.

Vivienne knocked on my door after the ceremony and handed me something. It was Philip's gun, a ruger. He had hardly used it, but she wanted me to have it. I didn't question it, and took the weapon from her. Part of me knew it was just a nice gesture, but another suspected she was giving it to me because she knew I was capable of using it now.

Over the next days, I stayed in my room or spent my time going out and looking for supplies. Once again, we weren't able to find anything of use. As the week went by, we all began to realize that we would be coming up empty yet again.

Savior trucks pulled up to the gate once our week was up, and Ryan went to exit the school to open the doors when I stopped him.

"Lock the doors," I told him, taking my ruger out from the new holster around my waist and setting it in his hands. "If they try to come in without me, shoot them."

Ryan's eyes were wide as he took the gun into his hands, but he nodded. I walked out through the front doors and heard them shut, and then the small click of the latch locking behind me.

I walked up to the gate and pulled it only partially open—not enough for their trucks to pull in, but wide enough that a person could walk through. Negan had gotten out of his truck and was standing right next to the opening grinning wide at me.

"Hey there, slugger," he said, leaning on his baseball bat. I looked down and noted it had been cleaned. Adam's face was no longer mangled in its sharp wires.

"We don't have anything," I informed him, "We tried. If someone has to die today, I ask that it be me."

His expression was hard to read as he stared me down without speaking. I started to feel nauseous as he studied me for a long time before swinging the bat up and onto his shoulder. The sudden movement made me flinch.

"We better go into your office and talk about this," Negan said, taking a step to walk through the gate.

I stepped into his path, blocking his entrance.

He looked amused at this, and leaned in close to me.

"You're not being very fucking nice, Elle. What happened to those manners?" He was so close to me, and I knew it was an intimidation tactic. I narrowed my eyes at him, and didn't budge.

"Your men stay out here." I wasn't asking. "And no one dies today." He narrowed his eyes a bit and then looked away from me, chuckling.

"Okay, Elle."

I was shocked he was willing to agree to it, but trusted he would keep his word. I took a step back and to the side to allow him to walk into Doveport's walls.

"No one comes in!" Negan barked at his men, while grabbing the gate and closing it. I couldn't help but stare at the baseball bat lying on his shoulder—the weapon I had used just a week before to kill someone.

We walked up to the front of the school where I could see the others were watching us approach from the glass windows around the door. I took a few steps in front of Negan and nodded to Ryan, who unlocked it and opened it to let us in. He was no longer holding the gun, and I assumed he had it tucked away. I didn't know if Negan would mind that we were armed. Philip had always kept the gun in the office and hadn't even carried it with him most days. I had forgotten of its existence until Vivienne placed it in my hands.

Negan didn't address anyone as we entered the school and made our way to the principal's office. Once inside, he shut the door behind him, and I rounded the desk and sat down in the big chair. We had been here before in the office, back when we were lying to him and Negan had thought I was in charge of Doveport.

Now I really was in charge.

He sat down in the chair across from me, setting the bat so it was leaning up against the large desk between us. He reached across and picked up the bottle of whiskey and one of the tumblers that was there. I didn't stop him—it wasn't like I was going to drink it.

At first, we didn't say anything, and I watched him pour the amber liquid into the glass. He brought it to his lips, and looked right at me as he drank.

"What do you want, Negan?" I demanded, sitting up more in the chair.

"How are you?" he asked, ignoring my question. I narrowed my eyes at him, not understanding where this was going.

"What?"

"Jesus fuck, it's not a trick question." He drank the rest of the whiskey and slammed the glass onto the desk. "How are you doing?"

I sat there staring at him without answering. Why was he asking me that?

I shifted in the chair, and felt very uncomfortable suddenly. Was he asking me because of what had happened with Adam? Or losing Philip? Or maybe it was because of what had happened back at his Sanctuary.

All of it was eating at me inside, tearing at my sanity every single second. I was losing my fucking mind.

"I'm fine," I muttered, avoiding his looming gaze.

"Bull-fuckin'-shit," he barked. "We both know that's a load of crap. You practically fell apart killing that piece-of-shit rapist, and said you hadn't killed anyone before. Then a few weeks later you're bashing in the skull of one of my men."

"He killed Phil," I whispered, looking down at the desk. I couldn't justify what I had done no matter how many times I went over it in my head, but it's why I had done it.

I must have looked pretty hopeless because Negan let out a long sigh that made me look up at him.

There it was. That sympathetic, kind expression. It didn't look like it belonged on him; it was a stark difference from the cruel smiles and harsh glares. I blinked a few times, but it didn't disappear before my eyes like normal.

Did Negan feel sorry for me?

"I want to talk to you about something. I know you're not gonna like it, but I need you to listen." He leaned back into the chair, making himself comfortable, his eyes were locked on me. "I want you to come back to the Sanctuary with me. And before you start fucking arguing with me and coming up with excuses, you can bring all your school friends. Momma Bear, Papa Bear, that garden lady, your new and improved gatekeeper, the whole gang can come."

I furrowed my brow and stared at him in silence.

"We have plenty of shit for you guys. Beds, food, and I need some people willing to work jobs. I'll have Carson arrange an ultrasound so Momma Bear can see Baby Bear. I'll even set garden lady up with-"

"No." My voice was cold and short, cutting him off from his pitch.

"No?" he asked me, as if he hadn't heard me correctly. I knew he had.

"We're not leaving."

Negan's hands gripped the sides of the chair and he squeezed.

"Why the fuck not?" he growled, glaring at me.

"Because I know they're not gonna like this." I said, gesturing to the hallway. "They don't want to live with you."

"I'm not asking," he warned.

"Doesn't matter. My answer is no."

Negan stood up from the chair and placed his hands on the desk, leaning across it and towards me.

"I am in charge!" he practically yelled, and I crossed my arms and held his sharp gaze.

"No, I am in charge. Of Doveport. And I'm going to run it the way Phil would have wanted me to—as a democracy. He built this for us. They're not going to want to leave, so we're not leaving."

"You people can't even wipe your own asses without our help. I'm making you the best offer of your miserable fucking lives!"

"Our lives weren't miserable until you came along!" I challenged, standing up and getting into his face, not willing to back down. If he wanted me to go with him, he'd have to drag me there. I wasn't leaving Doveport.

Negan leaned closer to me.

"You're being really fucking stupid right now," he snarled.

"Go fuck yourself," I spat back.

I hardly had time to react.

He moved so fast that it took me by surprise, and I gasped. In a second, he rounded the desk and was right in my face, towering over me with that scowl. I backed away from the chair and over to the wall where he cornered me. He leaned in so his face was inches from mine, and I could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"I love this badass attitude you got going on, but don't forget who's in fucking charge here. I still own all of you. Just because you bashed fucknut's brains in doesn't mean you can start acting like you're the boss."

I scowled at him and pressed my back hard against the wall. The expression on his face was so serious, so menacing. I would have been terrified if it wasn't for that little hint of a smirk forming on his lips.

 _He was enjoying this._

My thoughts went to the way he had taunted Adam, coaxing him into insulting Philip and leading to my uncontrolled rage. Negan hadn't even been there originally, in fact, he hadn't been there for over a month. I hadn't seen him in all that time, and instead he had sent Adam in his place.

"It's your fault," I mumbled, breaking our stare and looking down at the ground, "You left us with Adam. If you hadn't put him in charge, Philip would still be alive. They'd both be alive…"

Negan didn't say anything, so I continued.

"Why did you send Adam?" I felt tears start to well up in my eyes as I thought about a reality where Philip wasn't dead, and Negan hadn't sent Adam.

Negan noticed my bubbling emotions and looked away. He shifted a bit, but still remained very close to me.

"I have other communities to deal with," he muttered under his breath.

I couldn't help but wonder that after what happened at the Sanctuary if Negan felt guilty and uncomfortable because of what A.J. had done. He had distanced himself from Doveport and me ever since, and I knew the two things had to be related.

"Why did you show up that night?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked in a low growl. I looked back at his face as he peered down at me. He seemed on edge, as if me blaming him for Philip's death had somehow hit a nerve. I didn't think he would care.

"Why did you show up the night Adam killed Phil?"

Negan hadn't bothered with us for weeks, and then he showed up moments after Adam shot Philip. It couldn't have been a coincidence.

"Adam's men radioed and said you hadn't provided," he explained, still not looking at me.

I wasn't satisfied with his answer.

"But why did _you_ show up? You put him in charge and trusted him to dish out punishments. We didn't provide, and he was just doing his job. Why did you show up?"

Negan finally looked at me. He gazed into my eyes for a long time before he muttered, "It doesn't fucking matter."

"Tell me," I commanded, reaching out and grabbing his hand. His head snapped back and looked down at where my fingers were lightly squeezing his. He looked back up at me and smiled, but it was one of his more gentle ones.

"To make sure you were okay."

I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion and contemplated his words. I didn't understand what he was saying.

"Why?" My voice came out in a soft whisper, and I let go of his hand.

"Because if you haven't fucking figured it out yet, I like you," he reached out and took my hand back into his and squeezed it, "And I want you. I know things are fucking complicated, but they don't have to be." He laced his fingers through mine, and I stared down at our hands entwining, speechless. I knew he was attracted to me, but it was still hitting me like a ton of bricks.

"I want you to come back with me." He started to pull me closer to him, and I stumbled forward, my body pressing against his. He caught me and wrapped his arms around my waist. He leaned in as if he was about to kiss me, and then hesitated. It was like he was asking permission for it, allowing me to make the next move.

I turned my head down and away, rejecting it.

Negan sighed and let go of my waist. He took a step back, giving me space.

"You left us with Adam," I whispered, not able to look at him. I didn't even know what to think in the moment, but I knew that a part of me was blaming him for everything that had happened that night. "You haven't seen me in over a month, and you expect me to just go with you now?" If he liked me, why had he left me for so long?

"And I know you think it's amusing, but I'm not a killer, Negan. I don't know what's happening to me, but that's not who I am."

"You're adapting. There's nothing wrong with that," he answered in a deep voice, "You're fucking beautiful and I haven't wanted a woman this bad in a very long time."

 _Beautiful._

He said that same word when I had killed Adam. He had called me beautiful then too. I wondered if he really thought that, or if he just wanted to get in my pants. Negan was a hard man to read, and he wasn't bad looking. In fact, I found him quite handsome, but I had been in denial of any attraction because of the guilt that would accompany it.

Negan placed a hand on my arm and started to rub it.

"Come on, _Ellie_ ," he coaxed. My stomach churned, and I pulled away from him fast and winced.

Philip's voice was in my head a second later, _"Be careful, Ellie."_

 _Ellie._

It had been his nickname for me, something special between the two of us.

I took a deep breath, trying to shake the chills that were spreading through my body, and spoke.

"Please don't call me that."

"I can call you whatever the hell I want," Negan chuckled, tilting his head in amusement as if it was a lighthearted joke. He probably thought I didn't like the pet name, or that it made me feel like a child.

It was so much more than that.

"It's what Phil called me," I whispered, feeling a tear roll down my face. I knew Negan wouldn't give a shit, but I really didn't want to hear it.

"I'm sorry."

I turned to look at him in surprise as he apologized. Once again he looked sympathetic to me, or maybe it was something else I hadn't noticed before—something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of him having any real feelings towards me, but knew nothing could ever come of it.

"I can't be with you, Negan."

"Why? Because your classmates will judge?" he scoffed, raising his voice a bit, clearing getting frustrated by the rejection, "Stop giving a fuck what the others think about you. They already saw you mutilate someone. And I can fucking guarantee that being with me will be a helluva lot more fun than killing people."

"I didn't enjoy killing them!" I exclaimed. "I'm not like you."

"I don't enjoy it either!" he argued, furrowing his brow. "But it's part of living in this world now."

I wanted to argue with him on it because I didn't want to believe that he was right. I wanted to believe that it was possible to survive in this world without killing, but that wasn't the case. I was proof of that.

Negan shook his head and turned from me, rounding the table and going over to where his bat was leaning by the desk and taking it into his hand.

"We have a lot more in common than you think," Negan said, turning back to look at me, "One day you're going to see that."

"I don't think so," I said, crossing my arms.

Negan stared at me with that impossible expression, and then slowly nodded. He pursed his lips as if he was thinking, and then he pointed at me with the bat.

"I want you to come with me on a run tomorrow," he said matter-of-factly.

"Why?" I asked, confused at the sudden change of topic. I still had questions for him, but he seemed to be shutting down from our current conversation.

"It's a surprise," he remarked.

I had no idea what this surprise could possibly be, and was extremely curious. Still, it had only been a week since losing my friend. I wasn't exactly feeling up to travelling, especially with Negan right then.

"I'm not really in the mood for surprises." I walked over to the office chair and pushed it in towards the desk. Negan watched me, and I could feel his frustration looming as the silence grew between us. I didn't feel like I could look at him. In the moment, I just wanted him gone.

"Fuckin' humor me. It'll be just us. I'll even leave my men at home," Negan offered, leaning back on his heels and raising his eyebrows at me. I closed my eyes, trying to decide if I really wanted to argue with him on this, and then nodded. I wasn't willing to fight him anymore, and a run couldn't hurt.

Negan smirked and then turned to leave the room without another word. As he left, I looked up at the open door and let out a long sigh. I couldn't help but wonder where the hell he was going to take me.


	15. Chapter 15: The Prize

"You're going where?!" Amy asked, crossing her arms as we stood next to the front door of the school. I double checked to make sure my knife was in its sheath on my thigh, and then stood up straight.

"He said it's a surprise," I replied, without looking at her. We were watching out the windows of the school for when Ryan would open the gate and let Negan in when he arrived. I hadn't mentioned I was leaving until last minute, and Amy wasn't okay with my decision to go with him.

"He's gonna take you back to his factory and keep you prisoner!" Amy was blocking my way to the door leading outside. "You can't go with him, Elle!"

"I already told him I'd go." I finally looked at Amy and could see the worry burning deep in her eyes.

"Elle, you're not thinking straight! You need to sit down and talk to us. We haven't talked since Philip died, and-"

"I'm fine, Amy." I cut her off, and my expression dropped as she mentioned that night. She was right though. I hadn't spoken to anyone about what had happened, except for my conversation with Vivienne in the locker room. I had decided to try and move past it—to continue running away from what I had done. Amy had been trying to get me to talk to her, but I wasn't ready.

"Like hell you are!" Amy grabbed both my shoulders and forced me to look at her. "He didn't even tell you where you're going! What if he hurts you?"

"If he wanted to hurt me, he would do it right here in Doveport." I turned my head away from her and looked out the window. The gate was opening. Negan was here.

"Dammit, Elle!" Amy was pleading with me, gripping my shoulders tight and trying to get me to look at her. But I couldn't. I didn't want her to make me face what I had done.

"I have to go," I whispered, reaching out for the door handle.

Amy let me go, and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head, and then took a step to the side to let me go out.

I headed outside to the front of the school, and Amy followed behind me. Ryan had pulled the gate completely open, and Negan had pulled a single pickup into the school's lot. He was leaning up against the truck with this baseball bat draped over his shoulder, and smiled wide at me.

"There's my date!" he chirped as I approached him. Amy was still on my heels, and Negan turned his attention on her.

"Hello, Momma Bear!" he said with a wink.

"Where the hell are you taking her?" Amy demanded, shooting daggers at Negan. I stared at her in shock at her little outburst, but Negan didn't even blink. He approached Amy, who looked like she was ready to lunge at him.

"Well honey, that's none of your damn business." He was smiling, very much enjoying her feisty attitude.

"If anything happens to her, I swear to god…" Amy was glaring up at him, with her fists clenched at her sides. I stepped between the two, and turned to face Amy.

"I'll talk to you when I get back, I promise. Just let me go with him. I'll be okay."

Amy finally took her furious eyes off Negan and turned her attention back to me. She looked so distraught, and I couldn't help but think that her worry was my fault. She had witnessed me do something terrible, and was desperately trying to fix things. I didn't think they could be fixed.

"I'll see you when I get back," I said, doing my best to give her a reassuring smile. She frowned at me.

"If you even come back at all." Amy turned away from me and headed towards the school. I watched her disappear inside and then turned to face Negan. He had his eyebrows raised in mock surprise.

"Let's go." I mumbled, going around the side of the truck and getting in.

* * *

I had been in the truck with Negan for over an hour, and as it sped down the road, I stared out the window in absolute silence. I had no idea where he was taking me, and as the distance grew between Doveport and me, I started to have second thoughts. Negan kept glancing over at me every few minutes, and looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He seemed antsy—it was very unlike him.

"I brought sandwiches," he finally spoke, gesturing to the backseat of the truck. I turned around in my seat to see there was a little cooler sitting behind him.

"Thanks," I mumbled, wondering if there was ice in the little cooler. He really did have a lot of benefits at his Sanctuary. I wasn't sure I would even remember what a sandwich tasted like. I faced forward and watched as the truck approached a small sporting goods store. There weren't any walkers in sight, but I had noticed a few bodies decorating the parking lot. I figured he had been here before, by the looks of it.

Negan parked the truck in front of the store and grinned at me.

"We're here!" he announced, opening his door and getting out. I stared out at the building and heard Negan take the cooler out with him. I pulled my door open and stepped out, following him up to the store. My suspicions were proven as he took out a key ring and unlocked the front door. I glanced around to make sure no walkers would sneak up on us, and Negan pulled the door open for me, gesturing for me to go in.

I stepped inside and looked around at the set up. The shelves had been pushed towards the back of the large room, and there were couches that had clearly been brought in by Negan, or more likely, his men. Negan went over and flipped a switch, and lights turned on, brightening the room in an instant. I looked at the little register that was towards the front of the store, and the many sports equipment that both decorated the shelves, and were opened and strewn about the large room. The ceiling was high, and there was even a basketball hoop shoved up near the side of the store. In the middle of the room, there was a green ping pong table with paddles and a ball wedged between them.

Negan set the cooler down onto one of the couches while I stood there gaping, not knowing what to say. I continued to gawk at the room until Negan walked over and stood next to me, taking it in too.

"Pretty fucking neat, huh? It's my own little hang out spot." He was beaming at his personal man cave. It felt surreal standing inside of a store that mostly looked like it had been untouched.

"Yeah…" I responded, my eyes taking in the bright colors of the sporting apparel that was still hanging up on the wall. There was a lot of untouched clothing and items that would be very useful, and I wondered why Negan hadn't just raided the place and called it a day. He already had a huge factory building. Why did he need this place too?

"Let's eat, and then you're playing me in ping pong." He went over and sat down on the couch next to the cooler. He set his beloved bat on top of a little table next to the couch.

I followed him, and he moved the cooler to the floor. I sat next to him and watched as he opened the container. Inside there were two bottles of beer and two sandwiches in Ziploc bags surrounded in ice. He handed one of the bags to me, and I took it into my hands, staring down at it in surprise. I could see there was lettuce, and a tomato slice poking out from the sides of the bread. And something else…

"Bacon?" I blurted, looking up at him with wide eyes. He had brought me a BLT.

"Fuck yeah, bacon! Got a guy who knows meat!" He was already holding his and took a big bite. I picked up the sandwich and examined it. It looked delicious. BLTs had been something I had really enjoyed before the world went to shit, though Negan couldn't have known that. This lunch was going to be the best one I had in a long time.

I bit into the sandwich and closed my eyes. It was heavenly; the lettuce was fresh and crisp and the tomato was juicy. When the salty, crisp taste of bacon hit my taste buds, I couldn't help but let out a whimper. Negan chuckled on his current bite, and reached down for a beer. I chewed slowly, not wanting to take this meal for granted.

"It's good, right?" He popped the top off the bottle and handed it to me. I nodded and took it from him. I wasn't a big fan of beer, but I wasn't going to turn it down. I didn't want to be rude to the man who had just given me bacon in an apocalypse.

"Thank you," I mumbled, wiping some tomato juice away from my lips.

"You can thank me by playing a game with me," he said, opening the other beer and taking a long drink. I took another bite and glanced over at the ping pong table. The realization dawned on me that this was probably his idea of a date, and I swallowed hard. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks as I remembered the situation. Philip was dead. I killed Adam. My hands dropped to my lap, still clutching the sandwich, and I stared off into space, suddenly not feeling very hungry.

"You need to get outta that head of yours." Negan's voice pulled me back, and I lifted the sandwich and took a small bite.

"Sorry," I mumbled around it, doing my best to try and enjoy the sandwich again.

Negan finished his sandwich and beer long before I did, and then leaned back into the couch. Silence grew between us as I worked on finishing mine, and once I was done, he stood up and stretched.

"Time for ping pong!" he announced, walking over to the big, green table in the middle of the room. I stood up and followed him over, leaving my beer on the floor. Negan went around to the other side and picked up one of the paddles, and pulled a coin from his pocket.

"Heads or tails?" he asked.

"Tails," I answered, not at all sounding confident. I was suddenly feeling very awkward and out of sort. Negan flipped the coin up into the air and caught it, turning it over in his hand.

"Heads. I'm first." He pushed the other paddle towards me, and I took it into my hands. I hadn't played since school, and had never been very good at it. I wondered why he was doing this with me and if this was some sort of test. If I wasn't good at it, would he get upset? What if I beat him?

The latter wasn't ever going to happen, I soon realized.

Negan took the paddle and ball into his hands, and served the ball so fast I barely saw it hit the table. It bounced over onto my side and rolled onto the floor.

"My point!" he announced with a wide grin. I looked behind me to see the little white ball had rolled off towards the front of the store. I walked over to it and bent over, picked it up, and turned back to Negan. He was watching me with an amused expression.

I brought the ball back and handed it to him. He smirked at me, and once again served the ball so fast, it flew off my side of the table and rolled away. I hadn't even had time to react.

"Better get my ball, Elle." He grinned, and I let out a sigh. It was going to be a long game. I wondered why he only had one ball when the store was probably filled with them, and I almost asked, but didn't.

We repeated this process for a while, with him gaining a point and me retrieving the ball. I soon became very irritated as I realized he was checking me out every time I bent over to pick up the ball from the floor. I glanced over my shoulder to see he was biting his lip and staring at my ass. I rolled my eyes and brought the ball back to him, wanting to throw it in his face.

"You seem uptight," Negan said, getting ready to serve the ball. I stood there with my paddle and waited for the ball to roll off. "I might be able to help with that."

I glared at his cocky expression, and he hit the ball. Instead of coming to my side of the table, it slammed into the net and rolled off onto the floor.

"Dammit!" Negan shouted, slamming his paddle onto the table. I walked over to the ball and assumed it was finally my turn.

I went to serve the ball when Negan tsked me.

"You're too stiff."

"I'm fine," I growled. My annoyance was obvious.

"You better relax, or I'm gonna have no choice but to bring Lucille into our little date," he wiggled his eyebrows at me with an infuriatingly, cocky grin.

"This isn't a date." I said coldly, disregarding the fact he was threatening me with the bat. I knew he was capable of doing it, but highly doubted he would beat me to death for serving wrong.

Negan let out a booming laugh, and placed his hands on the table, leaning towards me.

"I fucking love it when you get angry!" he beamed.

I narrowed my eyes at him, and then held my hand up and dropped the ball. It bounced off my side of the table, and then I whacked it, hard.

Too hard.

It flew off onto the floor and rolled towards the back of the store, into the shelves that were still evenly spaced apart. We both watched it disappear into the aisles, and then Negan turned and looked back at me.

"First person to find that ball gets a prize," he challenged. He was still smiling, and clearly enjoying my little burst of anger.

"What kind of prize?" I asked, still glaring at him.

"Whatever I want when I find it!" Negan bolted away from the ping pong table and headed into the aisles.

I don't know what came over me, but I sprinted into the aisles too, frantically searching for the ping pong ball like my life depended on finding it. I had always been very competitive, and it was why I had been getting irritated with him. He was clearly more experienced at playing, and I hated to lose.

I peeked around the shelves, my eyes scanning the floor for the little ball. I couldn't help but chuckle when I saw Negan was at the other end, doing the same. He looked up to see me at the opposite end, and teasingly scowled at me. The game was on.

I bent over and looked under a shelf, and a large grin spread on my face. The ball was barely poking out in the middle of the aisle from underneath a shelf, and Negan was nowhere in sight.

I stood back onto my feet and sprinted towards it. I was already congratulating myself on winning, when my foot hit the floor wrong and I stumbled, falling forward. I slipped against the smooth floor, and my arm shot out underneath the shelf, and I hit the ground hard.

I gasped for breath as I laid on the floor, and then rolled off my stomach and onto my back. I was sore, but otherwise uninjured. I tried to calm my shaken nerves and closed my eyes, willing my heartbeat to slow. The fall had really shaken me.

When I opened my eyes, Negan was standing over me and offering me his hand. I placed my hand into his and allowed him to help me back to my feet. I was trembling a bit, and he noticed.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, and he sounded so unsure. It was almost like he was worried, but then he continued to speak before I could respond. "Why the fuck are you slipping and sliding all over the fucking place?"

I took a deep breath, and then smiled, holding up my hand in front of his face—the ping pong ball was grasped tightly in my fingers.

Negan stared at it for a few seconds, and then let out a throaty laugh. He closed his eyes and shook his head, then looked at me again.

"So what do you want your prize to be?" he asked, scratching his head and leaning a bit closer to me.

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

I pursed my lips and thought about it, and then the answer seemed so obvious.

"I don't want Doveport to have to gather supplies anymore."

Negan's light expression turned serious, and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"That's not happening."

His demeanor switched over so fast, but I did my best to not let it intimidate me.

"We're barely making ends meet! We're more than happy to work for you and help the Saviors, but we're not going to be able to do that if we're starving to death." I looked up at him with wide eyes, seeing this as the best opportunity I was going to get to make this argument.

Negan stared down at me, his expression was blank and impossible to read. Before he could chew me out for suggesting it, I tried to compromise.

"We could do every other week," I offered.

Negan frowned and shook his head.

"But then I won't get to see you," he said, pouting. He was starting to be less serious, and I scoffed at him.

"I think you'll live," I shot back.

Negan's eyes went down to my hand, and he reached out to try and take the ping pong ball from me. I moved my hand away, and clutched onto it tightly.

"That's my prize. You stop robbing Doveport, and you let us gather enough supplies so we can survive too."

He continued to frown at me, and his eyes bore into mine. I didn't back down, holding his sharp gaze with one of my own. Finally, his expression softened, and he nodded slowly.

"Okay, Elle," he conceded.

A wide smile grew on my face, and I tilted my head at him.

"Really?" I asked, in total surprise. I hadn't expected him to agree with me. I was always anticipating a fight with him.

"A deal's a deal. You won fair and square." He smiled down at me, but it seemed sad. Negan was clearly competitive too, and I could tell he didn't like to lose either. But I wondered if it was more than that. What if he had been the one to get to the ball? What would his prize have been? I had a fairly good idea, but was glad I beat him to it to make a deal to help Doveport.

Assuming I knew what he would have wanted, I leaned up on my tip toes, and quickly pressed my lips to the scruff on the side of his face. As I kissed his cheek, his body froze, and he didn't move, gauging the situation. It was just a peck, and as I stepped away I smiled up at him, trying to appear genuine.

"Thank you," I murmured, feeling my cheeks heat up. I wasn't sure why I was blushing, but the way he was looking at me made me feel self aware in the moment.

His look of surprise then turned to one of mischief.

"You missed my lips, doll," he drawled.

I rolled my eyes at him, and turned to leave the aisle.

"No I didn't." I shot back, taking a step away. Just as I was about to take another step, Negan reached out and grabbed my arm and spun me back. The action shocked me, and I felt very out of breath as I faced him.

"Negan-" I began, just as he wrapped an arm around me and bent down. He leaned in to kiss me, same as before, just like when we were in the office…

And just like before, I pulled away from him.

Negan let me go immediately, and let out a frustrated sigh.

"I don't fucking understand you," he grumbled, looking away from me. He was pissed, and I knew I shouldn't, but I felt guilty in the moment.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, reaching towards his hand, but he pulled away.

"Stop fucking apologizing," he growled, and walked out of the aisle and towards the front of the store. He grabbed the cooler and my bottle of beer from the floor and chugged it. He set the empty bottle on the table where his bat was lying, and he picked it up. I stood by the shelves and watched as he headed outside.

I didn't know why I hadn't kissed him. Negan wasn't bad looking—he was actually very attractive. He had done a lot of things to piss me off, but he had also been trying to make an effort to play nice, and I was still unsure of how I felt about him, even just as a person. I couldn't wrap my head around that kind of relationship. He terrified and fascinated me all at once. Not to mention, just the idea of being with him and knowing how the others back home would think left me feeling guilty. I hadn't even been able to tell them about the innocent night I spent in his bed.

As I exited the store, I half expected to find Negan's truck to be gone, but it was still parked out front. He was sitting in the driver's seat, waiting for me. He looked grumpy.

I got into the truck, and things were very tense. As he drove back to Doveport, we both sat in an uncomfortable silence. I couldn't stand the awkward air, and I tried to lighten the mood.

"So how many communities do you control?" I asked, doing my best to make small talk. Negan was gripping the steering wheel and glaring out the front windshield.

"A fuck ton," he grumbled, and I could hear it in his tone that he wasn't in the mood for chitchat. I looked down at my lap and chose to be quiet the rest of the drive back. The ping pong ball was resting inside my closed palm.

We reached Doveport a little while later, and Negan pulled the truck up to the gate. I was surprised he didn't kick me out right then and there, but he waited for the gate to open. Ryan's face appeared on the other side, and he smiled wearily at me as Negan pulled the truck through the threshold and towards the front of the school.

It was late, and everyone else was inside. As the truck parked, I noted that Ryan was still standing next to the open gate. He was unsure whether he should shut it or not.

I glanced over at Negan who was still staring out the front windshield and ignoring me. His hands were still gripping the steering wheel, and his knuckles looked white. I had thought he was angry with me, but maybe he was angry with himself. He had thought that his little date idea was foolproof, and I had thrown a wrench into the whole thing.

I didn't know what to say to him in the moment. I wanted to apologize for rejecting the kiss, but knew he didn't want to hear apologies anymore. I wanted to thank him for the sandwich, but I felt like words would be lacking. I let out a soft sigh, and then I leaned over and grabbed one of his hands that was gripping the wheel, and took it into my own. His hand was much larger than mine, and his fist was balled at first, but then it loosened at my touch. His eyes left the windshield, and he looked down at our hands.

I placed the ping pong ball inside his fist, and then closed his fingers around it, and squeezed. I smiled thinly at him, and then turned and got out of the truck, shutting the door behind me. Negan was still staring down at his hand looking perplexed.

I hoped the gesture spoke the things I couldn't yet say to him. I was grateful for that day; he had managed to pull me away from the dark horrors of what I had done a week before. It had been a sweet little escape, even if things had turned sour at the end.

I walked into the school, and the truck pulled away, with Ryan pulling the gate closed as Negan left.

I couldn't kiss him….

Even if there was a part of me that had really wanted to.


	16. Chapter 16: Bacon and Pop-Tarts

That night, I told everyone about making the deal with Negan so that he would only come every two weeks. Eric, Amy, and Vivienne were sitting with me in the teacher's lounge, and we were discussing our plans for keeping Negan happy from here on out. I recommended that we give Negan one of the cars and offer to trade siphoned gas and vegetables. Vivienne was still working on fixing her garden that had been destroyed by Adam's men, but she had already made significant progress.

Everyone seemed relieved that the Saviors were only going to be coming around every other week, and agreed that giving gas and vegetables was very doable. It was late, and Vivienne and Eric headed out of the room to get ready for bed. When Amy didn't stand up, I stayed sitting too. I knew this conversation was coming.

"Where did he take you?" she asked flat out.

"To a sporting goods store. It was like a hang out spot for him and his men. There were couches and he brought me a BLT, with real bacon. We played ping pong." I was leaning against the arm of the couch and looking out the window, recollecting what had happened a few hours before. "When we were playing, the ball rolled away and he said whoever found it would get a prize. I found it, and that's why we're only giving supplies every other week."

"He agreed to that?" Amy asked, shocked. I nodded. Amy let out a short laugh, and shook her head. "I really don't get that man."

The silence that followed was uncomfortable, and I realized I didn't know what to say to her. She had been so worried about me earlier, and I had left with Negan anyways. She had wanted to talk to me, so I remained seated in the teacher's lounge with her, even though I wanted to get up and leave.

"Are you okay?" Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. "I know that's a stupid question…"

I looked down at my lap and tried to think of what I could tell her. Truth be told, I kept seeing Philip's lifeless eyes every time I closed my own. I hadn't slept well all week, and figured I would probably never have a good night's rest ever again. When it wasn't Philip's body haunting my thoughts, I saw Adam's mangled head in my mind's eye. I was far from okay, but I needed to be strong.

"I'm trying to be," I mumbled. It was as honest as I could be—with her, and with myself.

"I know you feel guilty…about what happened to Philip. And about what happened to Adam…" She trailed off, and I looked up at her and waited to see where this was possibly going. Of course I felt guilty for Adam; I was the one who beat his head to a bloody pulp. Amy continued while looking straight at me. "But you shouldn't feel bad about killing Adam. He deserved it. I'm glad that he's dead."

Truth be told, I was glad too. I just wished it had been different.

"I wish I hadn't done it," I whispered, looking down again and away from her.

"I don't blame you." Amy reached over and placed a hand on my shoulder. "But you did what you had to do." She squeezed my shoulder. "And I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but I have to ask…what happened at the Sanctuary, Elle?"

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. I hadn't been thinking about that in the last week, but those memories still haunted me too. I hadn't been planning on telling my friends about almost getting raped. Adam had brought up that I had killed his friend A.J., and now Amy wanted answers. She deserved the truth, and not the crap I had spun and told Philip.

"When Negan brought me back to the Sanctuary, he wanted me to stay there with him. They gave me a bedroom, and there was this really nice woman who showed me around named Naomi." I was giving Amy unnecessary details because I was prolonging having to talk about the attack. "This creepy guy came around when we were eating dinner, and he forced his way into my bedroom after. He tried to…to rape me." I stumbled on my words, but took a deep breath and continued. "I stabbed him in the neck, and he bled out. Naomi found me hours later and got Negan. He cleaned me up and had me sleep in his room to make sure I was okay. He didn't even sleep in the bed with me." I wasn't sure why I felt the need to add that last detail. Amy knew I wasn't sleeping with him, but I still felt the need to clarify.

Amy was staring at me with a horrified expression.

"Elle… I didn't know…" Her mouth was agape and her eyes were watering. I nodded and chuckled a little.

"I didn't want you to know."

Amy frowned at me.

"I'm your friend. I'm always going to be here for you whenever you need someone to talk to." She was fighting back tears, and I wasn't entirely sure why. Maybe it was because she thought I didn't trust her with this information before, or maybe she was feeling sympathetic about what happened to me. Either way, it made me wish I had just been honest with her from the start.

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want to put that kind of stress on you, especially right now." I gestured down at her baby bump.

"I'm a strong lady. I can take it. You don't need to go through this kind of thing alone, Elle."

I had been going through a lot of things alone. I had bottled up what happened at the Sanctuary, and now I was trying to do the same with Adam and Philip. I looked over to the empty couch where he used to sit and felt tears start to build in my eyes.

"I miss Phil," I murmured, sniffling. I would have given anything for him to just appear in the room right then and there. Amy nodded, and put her arm around my neck. I leaned into her and she leaned her head against me too, in a half hug as we sat. We both continued to sniffle and fight our tears.

After a few more silent moments, Amy chuckled softly.

"Do you think Negan has any pop-tarts at the Sanctuary?" she inquired. I sat up and looked at her with a laugh.

"Have you been craving them?"

Amy nodded and looked down at her stomach.

"Yeah… this little bastard's got one hell of a sweet tooth."

We laughed and I smiled down at her extended stomach. It wouldn't be long until we met the little sugar addict. I looked back up at Amy's smiling face and something dawned on me in that moment: I hadn't understood why I had killed Adam, but I was starting to.

I would do anything if it meant protecting the people I loved.

* * *

Negan showed up two weeks later, and I was shocked he actually respected our agreement. I had really expected to see him after only a week, but it was fourteen days later when his men pulled their trucks into Doveport. I noted that he was bringing less of them with him, and that only two trucks pulled through our gate. Negan stepped out of the passenger side of one, and I approached him.

"Hello, Elle," he greeted me with a smirk. "Did ya miss me?"

I rolled my eyes at him, but gave him a smile.

"You actually waited two weeks," I replied. "Your stuff is against the wall." I gestured at the multiple gas canisters that were lined up against the stone. We had been very successful over the last couple days, and Eric had taught me how to siphon gas. We managed to collect quite a bit, and I had actually been excited for Negan to come take it. However, he didn't look over at the gas canisters, and instead, he was completely focused on me.

"We don't have to do this two weeks shit. In fact, I think we should go back to weekly visits." He was trying to convince me and doing a terrible job of it. "Or better yet, you come back to Sanctuary with me."

I shook my head and started walking over to the gas cans, trying to distract him with them.

"We did a lot better with two weeks to work. There's enough gas here to fill all your trucks."

Negan walked over to the wall where the gas canisters were lined up. He looked down at them, and I watched his face for any hint of a reaction. I was relieved when I saw him nod, impressed.

"This will be just fine, Elle," he said, turning to look at me. His men came over and started carrying the gas cans over to their trucks. I dug my hand into the pocket of my jeans and pulled out a little key ring with a single key on it.

"You can take the car too," I informed him, holding the key out towards him. He took it into his hand, and then looked over at the car that was parked off to the side.

"Are you sure?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Shit doll, you're going above and beyond right now."

I nodded and glanced over to where Amy and Eric were standing out by the front of the school. Vivienne was working away in her garden, and the others had come outside to watch Negan's men take their supplies.

"Yes, we're sure. Vivienne is fixing her garden, but once we're growing food again, we'll give you fresh vegetables and gas. We've been struggling to find items to scavenge, but we figured that gas and food are always needed."

Negan smiled down at me, and then held his hand out, giving the key to one of his men. He continued to look at me for a long time, before he took a step closer and spoke in a very soft voice, so only I would hear him.

"Do you need anything?"

I didn't think I had heard him right.

He had such a serious look on his face, and when I furrowed my brow at him in confusion, he still continued to wait for my response. He was asking if we needed something, but…did we? We pretty much had everything we needed. We still had a little food left, and Vivienne's garden was coming along nicely.

Then I remembered the sandwich he had made me two weeks prior, and I smiled a little at him.

"Yeah, more bacon," I said in a low voice. Negan began to smirk as I brought up the BLTs. "And pop-tarts," I added, remembering Amy's cravings.

"Bacon and pop-tarts…" Negan repeated, giving me a judgmental look. I nodded enthusiastically, and it made Negan laugh.

"See you in two weeks, Elle."

He walked back over to his truck, and his men drove away from the school. I watched as our car disappeared with them as one of his men drove it out.

* * *

The next day we were all outside working on different tasks. I was helping Vivienne in her garden, and Amy was washing clothes and hanging them to dry on a makeshift clothing line we had set up. Eric was working on making sure our one and only car would run properly. The weather was perfect, with a slight breeze that blew soft against my skin. Vivienne worked in silence for a while, before she asked me to hand her a little gardening shovel. I did, and she wiped her brow with her gloved hand.

"Eric found some waffle mix and a waffle iron in one of the cars last week. We could have waffles for dinner tonight," Vivienne suggested, as she dug into the soil. I nodded, liking the idea of eating the fluffy breakfast food.

"We still have quite a bit of syrup left too," I added, handing Vivienne a packet of cucumber seeds. We had found numerous little seed packets for planting. We were hoping to grow all sorts of food, for ourselves, and for the Saviors.

Vivienne looked up and smiled at me, but her attention was drawn by the sound of a truck pulling up to the school. I turned to see Ryan running over to the gate and opening it up. I got to my feet, and headed over to where a single pickup pulled into the school yard.

The others were watching too, not entirely sure what to expect. The Saviors weren't supposed to be back for two weeks; they had just been here yesterday. I frowned when Negan stepped out of the driver's side door, his men weren't with him.

"You're a little early, don't you think?" I asked, cautiously approaching his truck. He wasn't holding his bat like usual, and grinned at me.

"What can I say, Elle? I just can't get enough of you." He walked around to the back of the pickup and opened up the truck bed. It made me think back to that late night visit weeks before, when he brought me the pills. He hadn't brought anyone with him then either, but now he was coming during the day. The other Doveporters were watching him nervously, and I headed towards the back of the truck where he was pulling a box out.

"We don't have anything to give you, Negan…" I started to say, and then my eyes went to the large box he was taking out of the truck. He picked it up in his hands, and then turned to me.

"Where the fuck do you want this?" he asked, holding the box in his arms. I blinked a few times, not entirely understanding what was happening.

"What is it?" I asked, squinting down at the box.

"Special delivery," he smirked, holding it out to me. I took the box into my arms. It was heavy. I set it down on the ground and opened it right in front of him, needing to know what it was.

I pulled the cardboard tabs apart and stared at its contents, and then looked up at him with a big smile.

"Pop-tarts?" I asked, picking up a little blue box. Amy had been watching, and I could hear her voice from all the way across the yard.

"Are you SERIOUS?!" she squealed, rushing over to where Negan and I were by the back of the truck. She approached me and snatched the box out of my hands, but I didn't mind. I smiled up at her as she opened the little box, and then pulled out a shiny silver wrapper. Before I knew it, she was already biting into one of the pre-made pastries.

"Oh my god!" she moaned into the bite, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. "And they're cherry. My favorite."

I looked up at where Negan was standing, and he seemed very amused at Amy's reaction. She finished her bite, and then looked to him too.

"Careful, Momma Bear. Don't cream your shorts," he teased, smirking at her. She narrowed her eyes at him, but had a hint of a smile on her face, and tossed the flimsy wrapper towards him. Eric and Vivienne had approached us too, and were all staring down at the box before us.

"Thank you," I told him, noticing that there were multiple boxes of pop-tarts within the large box. Usually they would last us weeks, but with the way Amy was eating them, they'd probably only be around a few days. She had already started in on the second pop-tart as we stood there.

"Oh, and before I forget…" Negan stepped past us and went back to the front door of the truck. He pulled out the little cooler he had brought with when we went to the sporting goods store, and held it out towards me. "You wanted more bacon, so here. You're gonna have to fry it up tonight, but it's on ice now, so it'll still be good."

"Did he just say bacon?" Vivienne asked, eyes wide and focused on the little cooler. I smiled at her, and then turned back to Negan.

"You're spoiling us," I said with a chuckle. It felt too good to be true.

"Yeah… well… don't get to thinking I'm this nice all the fucking time. You guys did good getting all that gas yesterday. We filled up all my trucks, and even had some extra. You do good by me, you get good shit."

I couldn't stop smiling at him. We all stood there without saying anything, and it suddenly became very awkward. Amy reached over and took the cooler from me, and Eric picked up the big box from the ground.

"We'll get these inside," Amy mumbled, speaking to me. Then she turned her attention back to Negan.

"Thank you," she said, and she sounded sincere. He just nodded at her, and then Amy and Eric carried everything inside.

"I should get going," Negan said, shutting the back of the truck. I put my hands on my hips and bit my lip, not knowing what I could possibly say to him. He had just given us an incredibly nice gift, and my gratitude seemed lacking. Not only that, but he was showing his softer side to my friends, and I wondered why he was choosing to do that now.

"Hang on." Vivienne's voice made me turn to look at her. She looked a bit nervous at first, and then she became more confident as she addressed Negan, "You should stay for dinner."

My mouth fell open a bit at what she was suggesting. She wanted Negan to stay and eat with us?

Negan had rounded the truck and was about to open the door, when he looked over to Vivienne.

"What's on the menu?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Waffles… and bacon." She smiled at him.

Negan chuckled and nodded. "What the fuck. I guess I can stay for a bit." He opened the truck door and took out his barbed wire bat. I looked at Vivienne concerned, but she ignored my expression and headed towards the school, leaving me standing with Negan. I glanced over to where he was grinning down at me.

"Sounds delicious," he said, with a mischievous look in his eye. I sighed, and headed into the school with Negan on my heels.

* * *

Vivienne prepared dinner while I showed Negan around Doveport and gave him a proper tour.

"Where's your room?" he asked, nudging my shoulder playfully. I groaned, and rolled my eyes.

"Please behave yourself tonight," I begged him, stopping in the middle of one of the hallways. We were completely alone, and although he seemed to be a in a good mood, having Negan inside of Doveport was making me extremely nervous.

"If I'm a good boy, do I get a reward?" he asked, leaning against the wall and giving me a suggestive smile.

"I mean it. And no one gets hurt. Just be good, okay?" My eyes went to his bat, and he noticed. He let out a sigh, and then leaned in close to me with his damned smile.

"Are you gonna punish me if I'm not?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, and he let out a booming laugh, and then ruffled my hair. I froze at the physical contact, and afterwards he continued walking past me. I smoothed my hair down, and watched him as he continued down the hallway. I wondered how this was going to go. I still didn't understand why Vivienne was inviting him to join us.

We walked into the cafeteria where Vivienne had the food prepared. I was immediately greeted by the scent of bacon, and I looked over onto the long table where I could see it was cooked and waiting on a big dinner plate in the center. I sat down on one of the benches, and Negan joined me, sitting down next to me. He set the bat so it was laying on top of the bench. Amy and Eric joined us, and sat down across from us. Amy already had a pop-tart in her hand, and set it down onto the plate before her. I gave her a disapproving look at the idea of her having pop-tarts for dinner.

"Don't judge me!" she said, unwrapping it and taking a bite. Eric leaned over and grabbed a waffle from a plate, and set it down on Amy's.

"Please feed our baby something other than pop-tarts," he pleaded with a laugh. Amy sighed and set the pop-tart down, and picked up her fork. I passed her the syrup, and then took the plate of waffles from Eric's hand. I dished up one of the fluffy squares, and then offered the plate to Negan. He helped himself, taking two waffles and setting them onto his plate.

"Eat up! There's plenty to go around!" Vivienne said, emerging from the kitchen with another big plate of waffles. She carried it over to another table where the other Doveporters were sitting. They all had their eyes on Negan, and looked very uneasy. I couldn't blame them.

"These waffles look fuckin' amazing!" Negan boasted, and everyone looked to him as he spoke. Something felt so bizarre about the situation—it didn't feel like we were doing this against our will, but the behavior still seemed force, as if everyone was on edge. We dished up the bacon, and Negan took a few slices, and then offered the plate to Eric.

"Have as much as you like. This is our way of saying thank you," Vivienne said, as she sat down next to me, and then dished up her plate. I poured some syrup onto my waffle and then handed Negan the bottle. He took it and dumped a generous amount onto his waffles. He handed it to Amy, who also poured a copious amount onto her plate.

"That baby is gonna come out awfully sweet," I teased her. She stuck her tongue out at me.

"You're probably having a girl if you're craving so much sugar," Negan added, biting into his waffles. Every time he spoke, it reminded me that he was here, eating with us. It was so strange; it almost didn't feel weird, and that's what made it weird. It was almost like he belonged here with us, but we all knew what he was capable of.

"Do you have a good set up where you live?" Vivienne asked Negan, while she cut pieces of her waffle with her fork.

"Fuck yeah. Sanctuary is built like a fuckin' fortress," he bragged, and then looked at me. "Elle's seen it."

I nodded, and swallowed my bite of bacon. "It's impressive."

"That's not the only thing I have that's impressive," he said under his breath. I nudged him with my leg under the table, and he chuckled. No one replied to his little comment—I wasn't even sure they had heard it, but I could feel my cheeks were turning pink.

"Do you grow your own produce there?" Vivienne asked.

Negan nodded. "Yeah, we're trying. My men are having trouble making the soil work. But you don't seem to have a problem with growing shit."

Vivienne smiled at him.

"I've been told I have quite the green thumb," she said, and then took another bite.

"Well we could use that thumb. I've got a big open area where you could work those magic fingers of yours and grow even more food than you're growing here at the school."

Vivienne perked up at his words and I chewed silently, being grateful everyone was getting along for the time being and that things hadn't turned ugly like they always seemed to.

"Plus I got a job opening for Papa Bear, if he wants it." He turned his attention on Eric, who almost appeared to gulp. I could tell Negan made him nervous. "Some crazy lady beat one of my men to death, and I'm in the market for a new lieutenant. Comes with some bitchin' perks."

Eric didn't say anything, and we all ate for a few moments in silence. I didn't understand why he was bringing up Eric being one of his lieutenants. It wasn't like we were moving to Sanctuary…

That's when I realized what he was doing.

I looked up to see that Negan was still talking about the Sanctuary. The fence keeping everyone safe, the food and supplies they had stockpiled, and the doctor. I could see the looks on my friend's faces—they were all interested in what he was saying.

"And there's an ultrasound machine," he added. Amy hadn't seem as interested in what Negan was saying, but she perked up at the mention of it.

"We're not leaving," I said low, looking down at my plate. Everyone became very quiet, and I could see Negan turn to look down at me.

"I thought this was a democracy," he teased, picking up a glass of water and taking a long drink. I closed my eyes as he brought up the same words I had used when I made the argument to him in my office that we wouldn't be going with him.

"Elle, what is he talking about?" Amy asked, setting her fork down.

"She didn't tell you? I offered to have you all move in with me. I guess Ms. Dictator here doesn't care what you guys think."

I could feel all their eyes on me, and I cursed Negan in my head for bringing it up. I hadn't brought it up with the others because I was sure they wouldn't want to go with him. And maybe before that would have been true, but now the man was bringing us food, and they weren't feeling as threatened anymore. He was coddling them in an attempt to get them to agree to go, because he knew if they went with him, I would too.

"Elle?" Vivienne said after a long time.

I turned to face Negan with a scowl on my face.

"I see what you're doing. You're pitching your place like it's a paradise so they'll all jump on the idea of moving to Sanctuary with you. Go ahead…but I'm not leaving Doveport."

Negan picked up his glass and drank more water, and then set it down and smiled. His entire demeanor was very nonchalant, as if he wasn't being conniving and we were having a normal conversation.

"Maybe you should have talked to your people about my offer instead of making dinner so fucking awkward," he mumbled, picking up his fork.

"This isn't on me!" I shouted, making the people sitting at the other table turn their heads to see what the commotion was about.

"I think it is, Elle." He raised his eyebrows at me. He was clearly enjoying the fact I was becoming upset, and it enraged me even more.

"It's your fault Philip is dead in the first place! And now we're supposed to consider moving in with you?!" I spat my words at him, and then turned my attention on Vivienne, Eric, and Amy. The three of them looked shocked and bewildered at my emotional outburst, but I was too far gone to care.

"Did you all forget he killed Seth? Don't you remember being in that gym, terrified out of your minds when he killed our friend? Now we're all sitting around having fucking waffles with him, like it's no big deal."

They all averted their eyes from my intense gaze and looked down at their plates. I wasn't trying to make them feel guilty, but how the hell could they be considering living with Negan?

"You're being a bit fucking dramatic, don't you think?" Negan said, taking a bite. I glared at him, and then Vivienne's voice caught my attention.

"You could have talked to us about this, Elle. Maybe we should move. It's something we need to discuss and consider." She had such a serious look on her face, but she was speaking in a low voice, as if she was scolding a child. I stood up from the table and shook my head.

"No. You guys can decide if you want to go with him, but I'm staying right here." I turned from the table and headed into the hallway towards my bedroom. I didn't care how rude I was being; I was livid. I couldn't believe they were willing to walk away from a place we had put so much work into.

I went into my bedroom and sat down on my bed, trying to calm my nerves. I closed my eyes and wondered what Philip would say about all of this. He would have never wanted us to leave Doveport. He would have thought it was a terrible idea.

A knock sounded at my door, making me look up. I expected Amy, or Vivienne to poke their head in, but my eyes narrowed when Negan started to enter my bedroom.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh.

"Just go, Negan."

He closed the door behind him, and I watched him look around my room for a few brief seconds, before his gaze was back on me.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you're talking to here. I just spoiled the shit out of you and your people, bringing you all those supplies…"

"I don't want to talk to you right now," I said, crossing my arms across my chest and looking away from him.

"You need to stop your whining and listen to me." He sounded so serious, that it made me turn back and face him. His dreaded baseball bat was draped over his shoulder, and he had a very grim expression on his face.

"You are responsible for a lot of lives here. That means you need to start thinking about what's best for everyone. It's not always about what you fucking want. That's what being a leader means."

"I don't want to be the leader," I growled. "I want Philip back. I want everything to go back to normal, and I-" I felt my voice break, and I put my head down into my hands and tried to stifle the sobs that I knew were coming.

"They're gonna want to go with you. You're going to take them because you know I'll follow…" I sniffled and looked up at him, a few tears were falling down my face. "I can't walk away from what Philip built for us. Doveport is so much more than a memory of him. It's home. To me… to all of us. I didn't have that for so long. I can't just abandon it. I just can't."

I wiped the tears from my face and looked up at him.

"You can convince them to go with you, but I won't leave." I felt a sob rack my body, and my bottom lip trembled. I felt so vulnerable crying in front of him, but I was being honest. Doveport meant everything to me, and I wouldn't budge on this. Maybe I had always known that my friends would want to discuss leaving, and that's why I never even brought it up with them.

It was never an option in my mind.

Negan stared at me for a long time with that same grim expression on his face, but I would have sworn his eyes had a softness to them. I wondered if the sight of me crying was getting to him.

After a long silence, Negan exhaled and shook his head.

"You could be eating bacon every single fucking day for the rest of your life…" His voice was softer, and I heard him chuckle, as if he was trying to lighten the mood. "I heard the way you moaned on that BLT…"

He was still trying to convince me, but I could also sense he was willing to back off on the subject. I scoffed and then looked up at him. He was wiggling his eyebrows at me, and I let out a short laugh.

"It's not worth all the bacon in the world."

Negan pursed his lips and brought a hand to his beard covering his mouth. He looked like he was trying to think of something else to say to me—like he was trying to come up with a better argument. Then he nodded slowly and smiled at me.

"Goodnight, Elle. Thanks for dinner."

He opened my door and started to step into the hallway, and I let out a sigh.

"Goodnight, Negan."


	17. Chapter 17: Push and Pull

I walked into the cafeteria and noticed that the other Doveporters had left the room. The only people that remained were Vivienne, Amy, and Eric, who were all still seated at the table. Negan was gone, and I approached the table slowly. Their heads looked up at me as I sat back down in my previous spot and picked up my glass of water.

"Welcome back," Amy said. I looked up at her and smiled a bit. She seemed very sympathetic towards me, but Eric and Vivienne seemed less understanding of my outburst.

"Did he really offer for us to live there?" Eric asked, getting straight to the point. I didn't look at him and drank from my glass, and then set it down.

"Yes, he talked to me about it a few weeks ago," I admitted, avoiding their gazes.

"And you were never going to talk to us about it?" Vivienne's voice was bitter, and I wasn't used to hearing her like that. Since Philip's death, she had been much more irritable, but I really hadn't expected them to be so upset about this.

"I figured you guys wouldn't want to go." It wasn't a lie. I really had assumed they wouldn't want to live with him.

"Well we do want to go." Vivienne's words made me look up from my cold, half eaten waffle and I felt my eyes widen. "There would be more food there, and Negan is offering Eric a good job and-"

"Hold on a second," Amy cut Vivienne off. "These aren't exactly good people we'd be moving in with." Amy was probably fixated on what I had told her about the Sanctuary. She was the only one sitting at the table who knew I had killed my would-be rapist.

"We wouldn't have to scavenge anymore," Vivienne argued. "We would be safe. I could help them grow food…"

"We could see the baby, Amy," Eric urged, putting his arm around her. She smiled at him sadly, and shook her head.

"I'm with Elle. I don't want to go." She looked up at me and gave me a knowing look. I was so grateful she had my back.

"We can't even decide amongst ourselves. We can keep talking about it, but for now we're staying right here." I said confidently, trying to drop the topic. I knew Eric and Vivienne were disappointed in me, but I wasn't willing to walk away from Doveport. Living at the Sanctuary would be a gamble, and it wasn't one I was willing to take.

"You need to quit leaving us in the dark about these things," Vivienne said standing up from the table. I could tell she was annoyed with me, and I didn't blame her. I wished I had talked to them about it, but it was a little late for that.

"I'm not mad at you, Elle," she added, smiling sadly at me. "If you really want to run this place the way Philip did, then we _all_ need to be a part of it."

I nodded at her.

"I'm sorry, Viv. I promise that I'll involve everyone from now on."

Vivienne nodded back at me, and then turned to carry her plate to the kitchen.

"Let's get these dishes cleaned up, and then I think we all better get some sleep."

* * *

Once again, Negan waited two weeks before coming to Doveport for his supplies. Amy's belly was really starting to extend—her clothes were barely fitting her anymore, and we estimated she was about twenty-five weeks along. Negan's doctor would be able to give us a better estimate, but none of us had discussed Negan's offer of moving to the Sanctuary again. I was grateful Vivienne and Eric were willing to let it go, but I knew it was lingering in the back of their minds.

As the trucks pulled into Doveport, I stood at the front of the school with my arms crossed over my chest. I wasn't eager to talk to Negan that day, and hoped he would be in and out of our hair fast. Knowing him, it was wishful thinking. I had placed Philip's ruger in my holster at my waist. I didn't intend to use it, but figured it would be a smart idea to start carrying it on me. We were starting to feel too safe behind the walls, and often forgot about the threat of walkers roaming outside.

Negan got out and ordered for his men to load up the gas canisters. They brought back the empty ones from the former two weeks, and set them down against the wall where the full ones had previously been. He then turned his attention on me, and I sighed, expecting him to head over.

I was surprised to see Amy approach him before he could come over to me. He greeted her with a smirk, and I couldn't hear what he was saying, but they both seemed relaxed. I remembered back to how uneasy Negan had made all of us feel, and now we were starting to get used to his presence.

I approached them and caught a part of their conversation. Amy was asking Negan where he had found the pop-tarts, and if there were any more.

"Don't tell me you ate all the other ones!" he laughed, staring down at her belly. "What the fuck are you growing? A parasite?"

"No, we still have a couple boxes, but I was just curious." Amy smiled at him, and he chuckled while shaking his head.

"I'll tell you what, Momma Bear, if I find any more pop-tarts out there, I'll make sure they come to you."

"Thank you, Negan." They both turned to greet me as I walked over to them, but I still felt irritated with Negan after what he had tried to pull during our dinner two weeks prior. I nodded at him solemnly and gestured to the school.

"Vivienne has some vegetables inside. She said they're yours." My voice was more quiet than usual, and I wasn't doing a very good job of masking my frustration. I half expected him to pick up the argument again with me, but instead he let out a shrill whistle, and one of his men approached him in what felt like an instant.

"Go with Elle here and get me my shit," Negan ordered.

The man nodded, and then looked to me. I turned from where Amy and Negan were still standing and headed into the school. I was shocked Negan hadn't accompanied me inside, but maybe he sensed I wasn't in the mood for him today.

The Savior didn't speak as we entered through the front doors. I spared a few glances over at him. He looked like he was in his late 20's, early 30's, and he had short blond hair, with dull blue eyes that were focused ahead as we walked. I couldn't be sure, but he almost seemed nervous. I hadn't really paid attention to the men Negan brought with him, but I wondered if he had been there the night Philip and Adam died.

 _Had this Savior seen what I had done?_

I led him into the kitchen where Vivienne was washing something in the sink. She turned to greet us as we entered the room.

"Oh, he's here already?" she asked, facing the sink again and rinsing something off. "I'm almost done."

I leaned against the doorway, and the Savior stood off to the side of the kitchen, watching Vivienne closely. He seemed on edge, and I casually rested my hand on top of the ruger, ready to remove it at any second. Vivienne turned off the sink, and set something inside of a small box that was sitting on the counter. She took one last look at its contents, and then picked up the box.

"All done!" Vivienne announced, holding the box out towards the Savior. He took it into his hands, and looked down at the contents.

"What the hell is this?" he asked, in a disgusted voice. I narrowed my eyes at him as Vivienne smiled unsurely at him.

"They're radishes. They're one of the fastest growing vegetables. I picked them this morning, so they're fresh."

I knew the box couldn't have much in it, but Vivienne was trying to be nice. She had been working her ass off to fix her garden, and it was almost back to how it was before.

The Savior seemed unimpressed and glared at Vivienne.

"Negan doesn't want no goddamn radishes," he growled, pushing the box back towards Vivienne forcefully. He shoved it into her so hard that it caused her to fall onto the floor; the box of radishes spilled and the little red bulbs rolled everywhere. I rushed over to where Vivienne was laying on the ground.

"Vivienne!" I exclaimed, scanning her over. She had fallen hard, and I could see she was wincing in pain.

"I'm fine," she said, bringing a hand to her head, still sitting on the floor.

A burst of anger coursed through my veins, and I turned my attention on the Savior who was grinning down at Vivienne. He was amused at her pain. I felt my grip on the ruger tighten, and before I could think about what I was doing, I let my emotions take the wheel.

His smile faded as the barrel of the gun rested against his temple, and he slowly turned to look at me. I was pointing the ruger right at him, and in the moment, I wanted nothing more than to pull the trigger and kill him for hurting Vivienne.

His eyes narrowed and I pressed the gun further into his head, making him freeze. I glanced over to Vivienne who was staring directly at me, with wide, terrified eyes. She didn't say anything.

"Stand up," I growled, looking back at the Savior that I was holding at gunpoint.

He did, slowly.

"Take your gun out of the holster and throw it on the ground," I ordered. He obeyed, and continued to glare at me the entire time. His pistol hit the floor and skidded across the ground towards Vivienne. She didn't reach out to take it, and instead she was completely focused on what I was doing.

"Now walk." I pushed him forward, and the action made him stumble a bit. I wanted to knock him onto the ground for hurting Vivienne, but I allowed him to walk out of the kitchen, down the hall, and out the front door.

We stepped out into the front yard where Negan's men were all standing near their trucks. Amy, Eric, and Negan were standing together and talking. As the front doors opened, their eyes all turned to me and the Savior.

"Move!" I spat, leading him up to where Negan was. No one said anything as we approached them, and then I had him stop. "Get on the ground." The Savior lowered himself onto his knees across from Negan, who was watching me with a confused, but somehow amused look on his face.

"Another hostage situation?!" he boomed. "Did you already forget about your former gatekeeper, Elle?" His mention of Seth sent a wave of fury over me. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You didn't want to stick your dick in Seth," I said coldly, still aiming the gun at the Savior. The man seemed much more nervous than before, but was still trying to be stoic. Negan smirked at my vulgar comment as I continued to glare at him.

"Put the gun down, Elle," he ordered, his playfulness dissolving into a serious expression.

"I thought you didn't negotiate with hostage takers." I pressed the barrel of the gun against the side of the Savior's head. I heard the front doors of the school open, and I spared a glance over to see Vivienne was slowly exiting the school.

Negan let out a long sigh. His men were all watching very closely, waiting for his command.

"What the fuck did he do?" Negan asked.

"He pushed Vivienne!" I seethed.

"So?" Negan asked, as if he was indifferent about it. "She looks fuckin' fine to me." He squinted over to the school where Vivienne was standing. I looked over quickly again to see she was holding the Savior's pistol in her hand, but she wasn't aiming it. I faced Negan again, still scowling at him. Amy and Eric were frozen in place, watching me with confused, and terrified expressions, but I didn't notice them. My anger made it feel as if it was just Negan and me.

"Take your shit and get out. We're not going to work with you anymore if you're going to push Doveport around like a bunch of bullies."

Negan rubbed his beard and sighed again.

"What do you want from me, Elle? Do you want me to beat him to death right here and now? All for a little push?" He seemed to be trying to reason with me, but I didn't stand down.

"If I shoot him, you won't have to," I said coldly.

"We both know you're not gonna do that," Negan stated. He sounded so sure of himself, and I almost wanted to pull the trigger and prove him wrong. Negan was smiling at me, but his eyes felt like fire. I thought he was pissed, and it was around then that I started to gauge the situation.

Even if I did manage to shoot this Savior, Negan's men would take me out in seconds. I had let my rage get the best of me again, and there was no way out of this. But even then, I didn't care. I needed this Savior to know he couldn't push us around.

I needed Negan to know those days were over.

Negan broke our long held gaze and looked down to his Savior who was still kneeling on the ground before him. I hadn't realized it, but the man looked terrified—I wondered if it was because Negan had mentioned beating him to death.

"Garrett, say you're sorry to Vivienne," Negan spoke to the kneeling Savior.

Garrett slowly turned his head to look over to Vivienne, who was approaching us and came up next to me.

"I'm sorry," he said, in a very low voice. My eyes glanced over to Vivienne again, and she gave me a slight nod, as if to tell me she was okay.

"See? Our kids can get along!" Negan said in a playful voice, trying to lighten the mood. I was still holding the ruger by Garrett's temple. "I know you're pissed off Elle, but let's not lose our cool. We're all friends here. No need to decorate the yard in Garrett's brains."

I noticed Garrett gulp at his words. Perhaps it was that sign of weakness, or maybe it was the forced apology, but I finally lowered the gun.

Garrett sighed in relief, and then stood up carefully. I didn't know what to expect next. I felt transported back to the night I killed Adam and I had expected Negan to order his men to open fire on me.

This time was different.

This time, no one died.

When no one shot at me, I set the ruger back in the holster at my hip. I didn't look up at Negan, or the others, who I knew were probably gaping at me. I didn't care what they thought anymore, and I really didn't want to hear Negan scold me for threatening one of his men.

I turned to head into the school, when I felt a hand wrap tightly around my arm and start escorting me forward. I looked up sharply to see Negan was pulling me towards the school. I tried to pull my arm away from his grasp, but he wouldn't let go. He wasn't hurting me, but was leading me with such force that I had to walk quickly just to keep up with him. The others watched in confusion as he escorted me up to the front of the school.

The whole action took me off guard, and in that instant, I assumed he was going to kill me. I would have been sure of it, if it wasn't for the way his grasp loosened as we entered through the front doors and it became much gentler.

He didn't say anything as he led me through the hallway, and then into the principal's office. He let go of my arm, and I stepped into the room and watched as he closed the door. He set his bat down so it was leaning against the wall, and then turned his attention on me. He started to approach me, and he had such an intense look on his face that it made me shiver.

I backed up towards the desk and felt it hit the back of my legs. Negan leaned over me and hovered. He was so close, I could hear him breathing hard. I glared up at him as he looked at me with such intensity. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I wasn't about to back down now. My hand went to the ruger—I was ready to defend myself.

Then I saw it—the way his eyes travelled down my body and back up—the smile that ghosted his lips—and then I felt something hard pressing against my leg, and my eyes grew wide.

He wasn't angry…

 _He was aroused._

He leaned over me, his mouth was right next to my ear.

"I love how you took control like that. Seeing you with that gun made me as hard as a fucking brick."

I really hadn't expected… _this._

My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest, and I stared up at him in surprise, not knowing what to do. I hadn't meant to excite him; I really intended to prove to him that we weren't going to take their shit anymore. And instead of feeling threatened, he was feeling… well… other things.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" I hissed, narrowing my eyes at him as he smiled down at me in amusement. I was trying to show him that Doveport wasn't a doormat—that he and his people couldn't walk all over us. I never thought my actions would turn him on.

Our eyes were locked for a long time before he finally spoke.

"I want weekly stuff again." He licked his lips and smiled as he stood so close. "I want to see you every week."

 _Really? This again?_

"No." I answered, the irritation was clear in my voice—both at the fact he was bringing up this argument again, and because he wasn't taking me seriously.

He grinned.

"You can't stop me."

"Watch me," I fired back, and placed my hands onto his chest. I shoved him backwards so he stumbled away a few steps.

He chuckled and lightly shoved me back with his hands on my shoulders. I bumped into the desk, and before I could stand up again, he cornered me against the wooden surface.

"Weekly," he growled, but there was a playfulness to his voice. I felt his arousal against my abdomen, and I suddenly had to fight a smile as I glared up at him. Even though I was pissed that he was aroused by my actions, I couldn't deny it—I was enjoying the power I held over this man.

"Every other week," I said confidently. "I found the ping pong ball. I won fair and square." I faked a scowl at him, but the angry facade cracked. My lips twitched upwards into a small smile, which he noticed immediately.

He moved even closer so his body was right over mine, and his head touched mine.

"I want you so fucking bad right now," he hissed, against my ear. He pulled back a little to look at me, and then he leaned down to kiss me. His lips were hovering just above mine, and all I had to do was sit up and press mine to his…

But instead, I turned my head away just as he leaned down, so his face pressed into my hair. He backed up, giving me space from the desk and let out a loud, frustrated sigh.

"I'm so sick of this playing hard-to-get shit."

I couldn't stop staring at his lips and the soft, salt and pepper stubble surrounding them. Perhaps it was the adrenaline rushing through my veins, but I had almost given in. Before he caught me gazing at his mouth, my eyes went to his.

"I'll stop taking supplies if you come back with me to Sanctuary," he stated.

"No," I replied firmly.

Negan exhaled slowly and then closed his eyes. He backed up a few more steps, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"What are you doing to me, woman?" he wondered aloud, shaking his head. Then he opened his eyes to look at me. The way he was gazing at me made me freeze in place. It was the most vulnerable I had ever seen him—he looked almost desperate. It was the third time I had rejected his kiss, and he was clearly confused by it. I could only imagine that Negan wasn't used to women saying no to him. He had multiple wives back at his Sanctuary, and here he was, chasing after me. It was such a good feeling to know that I had this affect on him. It made me feel like I had the upper hand.

And yet, as he continued to look at me so passionately, I couldn't help but stare at his lips. In an attempt to calm my nerves, I stood up from the desk and straightened my shirt.

"We're not doing weekly," I said sternly, crossing my arms across my chest. No matter how hard I tried, my eyes continued to trail down to his mouth.

"Yes we are," he replied in a mocking voice, and grinned at me.

 _Why hadn't I kissed him?_ The thought invaded my mind, and I tried to shake it away so I could continue this half-assed argument with him.

Still… I couldn't help but wonder what those lips tasted like—what it would feel like to touch him…

My cheeks turned pink as my brain struggled to comprehend what I was feeling, and started its very own internal argument. The way he was smiling at me in the moment made my heart flutter. Yes, I may have felt powerful having someone like him pursuing me, but as we stood together in the office, I suddenly felt very exposed and vulnerable myself. I didn't want to feel this way. I wanted to win this fight, if only to set out and prove to him, once and for all, that Doveport was done taking his shit.

I took a few steps across the room so I was right in front of him, and did my best to appear threatening. My efforts had probably been in vain, as he towered over me. Raising his eyebrows in amusement, he leaned down so our faces were inches apart. He continued to smile at me as I glared up at him.

"Every. Other. Week." I said each word slowly, enunciating every syllable. My nose was practically touching his.

"Week-" he started to say, and I couldn't bare it any longer. I had been overthinking everything lately.

And I needed him to shut up.

Before he could finish the word, I raised up on my tip toes, and very gently, pressed my lips to his.

Similar to when I had pecked him on the cheek, Negan froze in surprise as my mouth met his, but he reacted much faster this time. My lips had barely brushed his, and I had started to take a step back when he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me even closer against him. I let out a small gasp as my chest brushed up against his, and his mouth found mine again. Our lips melded together once more, and his beard tickled against my skin.

We held the tight lipped kiss for a few seconds…and then a few seconds more, neither of us willing to take it a step further, but not wanting to break it off either. And then his tongue slipped forward, gently asking for entrance, and I granted it, slightly parting my lips and felt it caress mine. I wrapped my arm around his neck and my fingers tangled into his hair, urging him forward.

But instead, he broke the kiss. His lips hovered just above mine, and our breaths mingled together. I opened my eyes to see he was gazing down at me with such fervor—such _desire_ —that I felt my knees go weak. I inhaled and his scent flooded my senses. My heart was pounding loud in my ears.

 _Why was it pounding so damn loud?_

All the irritation I had felt at him had dissolved and I felt like putty in his hands. There was something in the way he was looking at me that made a shy smile form on my lips. I leaned up to kiss him again, when a familiar voice made me freeze.

"Um… Elle?" I quickly turned to see Amy was standing in the office doorway. She was staring right at me—at us. Negan still had his arm wrapped around my lower back and was pulling me up against him. My arm was hooked around him—my hand was still clutching onto his hair.

My arm dropped and I stepped away from him. He let me go immediately.

"Amy?" I asked, as embarrassment set in. I could feel my cheeks heat up and I wanted to crawl under the nearby desk.

 _How long had she been standing there?_

 _How much had she seen?_

She probably thought she was walking in on something…

I realized…she _was_ walking in on something.

Negan walked right by me and picked up his beloved bat. My wide eyes watched him as he set it carefully onto his shoulder.

"I'll see you next week," he said with a slight chuckle. He sounded amused at the fact we had been caught. Of course he wouldn't be embarrassed. The man had no shame. Right then and there, I had enough for both of us.

He turned back and gave me one of his overconfident smirks. I wondered what would have happened if Amy hadn't interrupted us…

"Two weeks," I corrected, and knew my face must have been completely red. He was lingering in the room.

"You sure you don't want to see me sooner?" he teased.

"Get the fuck out of my office," I ordered, but I sounded flustered. It was my lame attempt to try and backpedal to before—to when I was trying to assert my dominance.

 _So much for that…_

He smiled at me, and then headed to the door.

"Momma Bear," he said simply to Amy, as he stood next to her. She was standing in the threshold of the door, blocking his exit.

"Negan," she replied, and nodded at him. She was staring down at the floor, avoiding his gaze. She moved out of his way, and he exited the room without another word. Once he was gone, she looked back up at me.

"Are you…" she started to ask, but trailed off before she finished her question. I could imagine what she was going to say…

 _Are you and Negan together?_

 _Are you kissing him now?_

"No," I answered, not even knowing what her question was. Maybe it was something more along the lines of, _Are you out of your goddamned mind?!_

"It kinda looked like you were," Amy said, and she was smiling as she said it. "I'm not mad, Elle. I'm happy for you. It could help us that he cares about you."

 _Help us?_

None of that had been on my mind at all. This wasn't about strategizing anymore, though she was absolutely right. It was clear that Negan had feelings for me, but I still wasn't sure how I felt about him. My head was fuzzy, and I felt like my heart was going to burst from my chest it was beating so loud—from the kiss, and from being caught.

I let out a sigh and looked out the window to see the Savior trucks leaving.

 _What the hell had I just done?_


	18. Chapter 18: Sting

I was grateful Amy didn't seem to dwell on the intimate moment I had shared with Negan, but I couldn't stop thinking about it.

 _I had kissed him._

I still wasn't sure why, and was feeling very conflicted. It had just felt right in the moment, and I had given in. I couldn't stop thinking about that softer side to him—the gentler side that ate dinner with my friends and me—the side that had cleaned the blood off my face after I killed someone—the side that brought us pills in the middle of the night, and Amy pop-tarts.

Maybe that's why I kissed him— _because I was fond of that side of him._

But I felt conflicted, because that wasn't the only side to Negan.

He had a mean side—the monster side. The side that shot and killed Seth—the side that egged me on to kill Adam—the side that became aroused at the idea of me shooting one of his men.

Negan was a complicated man, and I hated his brutality—his vulgarness.

But part of me was absolutely fascinated by the man behind the mask.

Over the next week, I couldn't get my mind off him…off that kiss.

I was lounging in bed with a notebook and a pen in hand, making a list of things we needed to do before Negan would be back in a week. We had already gathered more gas, and Vivienne had managed to grow broccoli and cucumbers. We already had supplies to give Negan, but I wondered if he would even expect us to give supplies anymore.

What had that kiss meant for us?

I heard a knock at my door and looked up from my bed to see Eric was standing there. He looked a bit nervous.

"Everything okay?" I asked right away, swinging my legs off the mattress and setting them onto the floor.

"There's a group of men at the gate, and they want to talk to our leader." He fidgeted and had a worried expression on his face.

"Saviors?" I guessed, thinking that Negan's men had come early, and he was probably among them. He had told me he would be back in a week, and I had been anticipating an awkward argument with him. How was I supposed to face him after that kiss?

"I don't think so. They said they need supplies."

I headed into the hallway and towards the front door of the school. I could already see the gate was part way open, and Ryan was standing at it, talking to someone. I stepped across the yard, looking around outside to see it was empty. Everyone was inside, and it probably had to do with it being a bit chilly that day.

As I reached the gate, I saw a man standing on the opposite side, but he was leaning in and talking to Ryan as I approached. He had short brown hair that was pushed up. His lanky body was covered in old raggedy clothing that had crimson stains of blood splattered all over it. As I approached the gate, he smiled warmly at me.

"You must be Elle," he said, sticking his hand out towards me. I took it into mine and shook his firm grasp. "I'm Caleb. Please, you have to help us. We have nowhere else to go."

I glanced behind him to see four men and a woman were standing behind him, and they were all shivering, wearing flimsy coats. Their clothes were stained and dirty, and the woman was cradling a bundle in her arms—a baby, wrapped up in blankets to protect it from the cold. I glanced over at Ryan who tilted his head, but didn't say anything.

"Please," Caleb added. "We haven't had anything to eat for days."

I didn't know what to say to him, and didn't want to be too trusting. Strangers showing up out of the blue and asking to be helped seemed awfully suspicious, but I noted that they didn't appear to have any weapons on them. Plus they had a child with them. I still needed to be sure…

"Are you armed?" I asked, looking them over carefully from where I stood.

"No. We don't have any weapons," Caleb said, holding his arms out to show he was telling the truth. It made me feel slightly better.

"We don't have much, but we can spare some supplies," I assured, turning to Ryan and nodding for him to let them in. I wasn't sure about having them live at Doveport, but we could at least give them some food and clean clothes.

"Thank you, Elle," Caleb replied with a wide smile, and then stepped through the gate into Doveport's yard. His men followed behind him, and Ryan shut the gate once they were inside.

"We'll set you up with some rooms, and you can join us for dinner," I explained, nodding to Caleb. They seemed hopeful now at the mention of food and shelter.

We walked up to the school and entered. A few Doveporters had been watching from the glass windows and stepped out of the way as I led Caleb and his men inside. As we walked in, they all looked around in amazement.

"That's a neat gate you got," Caleb remarked, walking next to me. He was incredibly close, and I noted my ruger was still in my hip holster if I needed it.

"Yeah, the school works great. It's nice to have the wall." My attempt at making small talk seemed awkward, but Caleb didn't seem to mind. He continued to smile and look inside of the classrooms as we passed by them. Eric and Amy were standing near the end of the hallway, and were watching us nervously.

"This is Caleb," I introduced him, and he grinned at them. "He and his people are gonna have dinner with us."

"Hello," Amy greeted them with a small smile. She seemed uneasy, but I couldn't blame her. Caleb's eyes went to Amy's stomach immediately.

"You're having a baby?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Amy nodded. She looked over to where the woman was cradling hers and smiled a bit at her. The woman smiled back.

"Yeah. We're not sure when it's due, but I'm very excited to meet him or her."

"Oh, I bet," Caleb replied.

I don't know what it was about the way he was looking at Amy, but it made me feel uneasy. It was like a red flag shot up at the realization Caleb was smiling so much, and perhaps my assessment that they didn't have any weapons wasn't enough reason to be so trusting. I figured maybe if we gave them some food, they would leave, and we would be okay.

"Eric, why don't you go get Caleb and his friends some food?" I suggested, nodding at him in the direction of the kitchen. He furrowed his brow at me, and then nodded in understanding. He hurried off, leaving Amy and me alone with Caleb and his men—who had started going into rooms and looking around, studying the school. I watched them closely, and glanced over at Amy who was doing the same. Something wasn't right.

"I thought you said we were all gonna have dinner…" Caleb pointed out, tilting his head at me. He continued to grin, and I forced a smile back at him.

"We don't really have the room for more people right now, but we would be happy to help you guys out as best we can," I said. I could hear the nervousness in my voice.

"It's a nice, big place, Elle. I think you can share." Caleb leaned close to me, and I swallowed hard. He noticed my reaction and chuckled.

"You seem uneasy, Elle. No reason to be scared." He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. My eyes went to Amy, who was watching us with an uneasy look.

Eric was back fast with a box filled with canned food. He held it out towards Caleb who gestured for one of his men to take it. He continued to drape his arm over me, and my skin felt like ice as he touched me. I glanced up to see his men going in and out of the rooms, and alarms started going off in my head.

We were in trouble.

"So how about that dinner?" Caleb asked, squeezing my shoulder tightly.

 _Too tight._

I clenched my jaw and pulled away from his grasp.

"I think you should leave now," I said sternly, turning to look at Caleb. He continued to grin wide, and didn't even seemed fazed at my words. He furrowed his brow dramatically and then chuckled.

"Well aren't you cocky?"

The next moments felt like a blur. Before I had time to react, Caleb balled his fist and punched me in my face. I felt the top of his knuckles connect with my eye socket. Everything went black for a few moments as I stumbled onto the ground. He leaned over me and took the ruger from my holster, and then my knife. I reached up to grab my throbbing face, and watched him study the knife in his hands.

"Elle!" Amy cried out, but one of Caleb's men grabbed her arms and pulled them behind her back. Eric turned to help, but the woman who had been holding the bundle revealed she hadn't been holding a baby—she had been holding a gun, wrapped up within the blankets. She pointed the gun at the back of Eric's head, making him freeze and put his hands up.

My heart sank as each man pulled out a gun that they had been hiding under their coats. My head lolled as I struggled to sit up, and I continued to feel dizzy. Caleb leaned down so his face was close to mine.

"This school now belongs to us. You're going to do everything I say, or I'm gonna kill all your little friends. Got it?" One of his men approached from the side, and Caleb handed my ruger to the man. He slid the knife into his belt.

I glared up at him and struggled to open my throbbing eye. I was mentally cursing myself for letting him inside our walls. Not liking the way I was looking at him, Caleb grabbed my arm and twisted it sharply. I screamed out in pain, and my body writhed on the floor as he bent it.

"Got it?!" he demanded louder. I desperately tried to pull my arm away from him. When he finally loosened his grip, I yanked my sore arm back towards my body and scowled at him.

"Like hell I will," I growled.

Caleb's hand shot out and grabbed the top of my head. His fingers laced into my hair, and he pulled me up in one fast motion, making me cry out in pain. He used his other hand to grab me and press me into him, rubbing his face against the side of mine and inhaled loudly.

"You need to behave yourself Elle, or I'm gonna have to hurt you even worse."

I wanted to kill him.

I wanted to take my knife from his pants and slit his throat as he grinned down at me, but I was completely defenseless. I could barely stand on my feet as I struggled to focus on Caleb standing before me. I couldn't see very well through my swelling eye, and I felt my legs buckle a bit. He held me up, moving his harsh grip from my hair and taking hold of my waist.

"I'm sorry, honey. Did I hit you too hard?" he asked, propping me up against him better as I struggled to pull away from him. "I won't have to hit you if you are a good girl. You're gonna be a good girl for me, aren't you Elle?"

I closed my eyes and tried to think of a way out of this. Negan wasn't due to come for another week. We would just have to survive until then.

I looked up to see Amy was silently sobbing, and Eric was being forced onto the ground. They both had guns pointed at them. The sight made my stomach churn, and I knew there was no getting out of this in that moment. One week. We just had to wait one week.

"Okay," I whispered in defeat, turning to look up at Caleb. His grin grew impossibly wider, and he nodded at me.

Caleb brought me, Amy, and Eric into the cafeteria. Vivienne had been preparing dinner and they hadn't found her yet, but I knew it was only a matter of time before she was discovered. They confiscated all of our weapons, and the other Doveporters were quickly rounded up and brought into one of the makeshift bedrooms. Two of Caleb's men guarded the door of the classroom they were locked into. Amy was clinging to Eric now, as we stood in the middle of the room with guns pointed at us. Caleb approached her and looked down at her swollen belly.

"It's a shame you're already pregnant. We'd make such pretty babies." Caleb reached out to cup Amy's cheek, but Eric moved in his way, blocking his wife. In one swift motion, Caleb shoved Eric onto the ground, and two of Caleb's men surrounded Eric. Amy and I were restrained once again, and we watched in horror as the men began kicking Eric, over and over again, without mercy. Amy sobbed, begging them to stop, but her cries only seemed to make them kick Eric even harder.

They kicked for what seemed like forever. Eric eventually stopped wincing, and I watched helplessly as one of Caleb's men held me back from going to help him. He passed out, and still they kicked him. I heard a loud crack, and Amy wailed as her husband was beaten before our eyes.

Amy reached out to Eric, and sobbed as she tried to go to him. Caleb approached her as she cried. He reached up and brushed the tears away from her face.

"Don't cry, angel," he said to her in a mock sympathetic voice. I felt bile rise in my throat at what I had just witnessed. Amy's sobs stopped, but her body continued to shake, and she looked disgusted as he continued to caress her face.

My arms were held tightly behind my back by one of Caleb's men. I tried to pull away with all my strength, but he was huge, and held me back without even having to try. I wanted to get to Eric, who I wasn't even sure was still alive. He was unmoving on the ground, and after a long time, they finally stopped kicking him.

Amy let out a wail—the sound echoed throughout the whole school. I closed my eyes, hoping we hadn't just watched Eric die.

"There's another one!" the man holding my arms called out, turning his attention to the kitchen door. Vivienne had come out to see what was happening, and had started to go back into the kitchen, but the men that had been kicking Eric went after her.

"Who's this ugly, old bitch?" one of Caleb's men asked, as Vivienne was led over to us. Her eyes were locked onto Eric's motionless body, and then she looked at me with frightened eyes. She noticed my eye and gasped, just as one of the men grabbed her arms to restrain her in his grasp.

"She can make us dinner!" Caleb announced, smiling warmly at Vivienne. "You know how to cook, right?"

Vivienne nodded obediently; her eyes had drifted downwards, and her head was hung low. She looked defeated now, just like us.

"Excellent! Better make something good, or we'll beat this poor bastard until it is." He gestured down to Eric. He still wasn't moving.

Vivienne was led back to the kitchen by two of Caleb's men. The man that had been holding my arms finally let go, and Amy was also freed. She fell onto the floor and quickly crawled over to Eric. I went to go to her, when Caleb grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the hall.

"You're gonna keep giving me that tour, Elle."

* * *

Caleb's men completely took over Doveport. The others were still locked up in a classroom, and I wasn't sure if there had been any casualties. I had heard sobbing coming from their direction, but I couldn't help them. Caleb forced me to show him the different rooms and the supplies we had stocked up. He held onto my arm tight as we walked throughout the hallway. I glared at him, but complied with any request and answered any question he had. I wanted to try and get everyone out of this alive… those of us who still were.

When we entered back into the cafeteria, I saw Eric was still on the floor. Amy was already seated at the long table with one of Caleb's men seated next to her. Caleb pulled me over to the table, and forced me to sit across from Amy. We both looked up at one another, and she seemed to be focused on my left eye—the one Caleb had punched that was swollen, and I could barely see out of. I wondered how bad it was. Her bottom lip quivered and tears streamed down her face.

"He's not dead," she whispered so low, I almost didn't hear her. She was talking about Eric, and I glanced over at him laying on the cold floor. We had to do something, or he would be.

"Hey Pete," Caleb said, addressing the large man sitting next to Amy. "I didn't know you had a thing for pregnant women."

Pete chuckled darkly and put his arm around Amy. She winced as he touched her and he went to press his face into her hair when the kitchen door opened. Vivienne came out carrying a large metal pot as one of the men followed closely behind, aiming his gun at her. She carried the pot over to the table and set it down. The dinner plates had already been set out. Caleb was still standing, and he leaned over to look inside the pot.

"Well would you look at that! The old hag isn't useless! And here I thought we were gonna have to put a bullet in between her eyes."

Vivienne didn't react, and Caleb put a hand up in the air.

"You're dismissed. She can join the others."

I watched as Vivienne was led off at gunpoint, down the hall to join the other captured Doveporters.

That left Amy and me alone with Pete and Caleb.

The two men loaded up their plates with fettuccine. Vivienne had added broccoli from her garden, and we had all been looking forward to sitting down and eating this meal before all hell broke loose. Caleb dished up my plate and Amy's, and then started to eat. Amy and I both didn't move. I was desperately trying to find a way out of this. I glanced down at the silverware and wished I had a knife.

Caleb moved so his leg was touching mine and I flinched. He was chewing his food and dramatically savouring it, when his hand reached across and grabbed my thigh and squeezed. He leaned over so his breath hit the side of my face.

"Are you turned on yet?" He rubbed my leg with his hand. I remained completely still and continued to stare at Amy. She looked so helpless. I wanted to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but that would be a lie. I was terrified out of my mind.

"Aren't you ladies gonna eat?" Caleb asked, gesturing to our plates. Amy and I continued to be frozen in place, and then Caleb bellowed, "EAT!"

We both flinched as he screamed, and then grabbed our forks. Amy's hand was shaking so badly, she could barely hold the utensil. We both took a bite, doing as he said.

We ate slowly, but my stomach was in knots. I forced each bite, and tried to think of a way to kill these men. I had to protect my people. They had trusted me to keep them safe, and I had let these brutes into our haven.

After what felt like an eternity, Caleb dropped his fork onto his empty plate.

"That was AMAZING!" he declared, and stood up from the table. "Now we can finally start making ourselves comfortable."

Those words made my veins feel like ice. They had already made themselves comfortable. I closed my eyes as he turned to me with a sick smile.

"I wanna see your room, Elle."

 _Fuck._

I was sure I knew where this was going. I opened my eyes to see Amy had started to sob again.

"Please don't hurt her! PLEASE!" she wailed, covering her face and trembling.

"Pete, I think the pregnant lady is becoming hysterical. Lock her up."

 _"NO! ELLE!"_ Amy sobbed, reaching out to me, but Pete pulled her up forcefully from the table. I took a deep breath and tried to smile reassuringly at her. I figured the classroom might be safer for her than being Pete's toy, the way I was about to become Caleb's.

Amy was dragged down the hall, and I was left alone with Caleb. I looked down at the table and tried to calm my breathing. I had never felt so utterly defeated.

In an instant, Caleb was yanking me up from the table, and he grabbed my head to look at him. He leaned close, so his face was inches from mine.

"You belong to me now."

I didn't fight him as he pulled me down the hall, towards the bedrooms.

"Which one is yours?" he demanded to know, and I nodded at my room. I wasn't going to lie to him, and I was eager to get him alone. Maybe I could gain an upperhand on him—I had been here before, and I hoped it would have the same outcome.

Caleb shoved me into my room, and I stumbled in and towards the bed.

"Home sweet home," he said, entering inside and pulling the door closed behind him. He walked past me and sat down on top of my mattress, and then patted the spot next to him.

"Now Elle, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way…"

I felt transported back to that bedroom at the Sanctuary where I had been forced down onto a bed and almost violated. I wished this time was like that time.

I wished I had my knife.

I wished this bastard would bleed out, just like A.J.

I knew I couldn't run, but I wasn't going to do this willingly. As I stood firmly in place, and refused to obey, Caleb's amused expression turned sour. He moved fast, standing back up and grabbed my hair again. He dragged me over to the spot, and my arms shot up to try and claw at his hands, but his fingers were laced together in a vice grip. He continued to hold me, as my body fell against the bed, and then leaned over me.

"You're finally gonna have a place in this world, Elle." My heart was beating loud in my ears as I watched him remove my knife from his belt. "If you behave yourself, I won't have to scar that pretty face of yours."

My eyes narrowed at him.

"Is your dick that tiny that you have to force girls to take it?" I spat.

He chuckled and placed the blade against the skin of my neck. I winced as I felt the sharp sting as it dug into my flesh.

"That's not what I'm gonna use you for."

The slice was shallow, but I could feel a line of blood start to roll down to my chest. Caleb's grip on my hair tightened, and he yanked my head to the side to expose the cut more. My skin pulled and the cut stung, making me whimper out. I watched with horrified eyes as Caleb lowered his mouth to the wound and he sucked against the open skin.

I did my best to try and jerk away, but he pushed me so I was laying flat against the mattress. My arms flailed, trying to grab something to get him off me—anything—but my fingers only found sheets. I looked up in horror as he climbed on top of me, locking me down with his knees, and then brought his mouth back to my bleeding skin.

I was absolutely mortified.

As he ran his tongue across the tender flesh, I felt tears well up in my eyes. This man was sick, and I felt so completely trapped. He let out a groan as his lips pressed roughly against the cut, and then he sat up and prepared the knife again right above my breast.

A knock at the door made him stop, and I gasped for breath, as he rolled off me. I closed my eyes tight, hoping for a miracle to be behind that door.

"What!?" Caleb demanded as Pete entered. He didn't even look surprised at what Caleb was doing to me. Instead, he took a step into the room and looked a little anxious.

"What the hell is your problem, man? Can't you see I'm busy?" He gestured down at me where I was still laying.

"Sorry, Caleb. But there's some people outside," he gestured with his thumb over his shoulder. "There's a couple trucks, and a man with a baseball bat."

"Who?" Caleb furrowed his brows, and then looked down at me. A sinister expression spread across my face as I answered him.

"Negan."


	19. Chapter 19: Savior

"Who the fuck is Negan?" Caleb demanded, glaring down at me. When I didn't answer, he pressed the tip of my knife against the open wound on my neck, making me cry out in a hoarse voice.

"He's the guy I trade supplies with every few weeks! He's here for his stuff."

"What stuff?" Caleb asked, pulling the blade away from my skin.

"We grow vegetables in the garden," I explained in a shaky voice. "There's a box of them in the kitchen."

"There's only two trucks and about five men waiting outside," Pete informed Caleb. "Want us to kill them?"

Caleb stared down at me for a few seconds, clearly trying to come up with a plan. The cut on my neck started to sting, and I winced as he regarded me. He seemed to be indifferent to my pain, and instead he seemed irritated that Pete had interrupted him.

"No. It's a waste of bullets." He sighed, and then glanced back up at Pete. "We'll send Elle out to give them their shit. She can make them think everything is fine. We'll plan on taking him out later."

The idea of seeing Negan and having him slaughter these assholes made me feel hopeful, but the happy feeling was fleeting.

"If you tell him about us being here, I'll shoot all your little friends. Then I'll kill this Negan guy, too."

All hope I had of being saved was immediately washed away. I knew Caleb wasn't joking around—that he would kill them all if I fucked this up. I couldn't risk their lives. We would have to find another way out of this.

"I'll do what you want. Just don't hurt anyone," I begged, meeting his gaze.

Caleb reached down and cupped my face, pulling me up to a sitting position. I swallowed hard as he grinned at me.

"That all depends on you, Elle."

* * *

A few minutes later, Caleb had every Doveporter gathered in the front hall of the school. They weren't visible through the windows, but close enough to the front doors that I would absolutely hear the sound of gunfire if I didn't do as asked. His men all took out their guns and pointed them at my cowering friends. Amy and Vivienne were huddled together, and I noticed that Eric was still not among them.

Caleb came over and handed me a box of vegetables—the same box we had been using to collect Negan's food. I took it into my arms, and as I did, Caleb licked his thumb and reached over to wipe at the blood that was trickling down my neck.

"Tell him you got hurt escaping a walker," he ordered, bringing his thumb to his mouth and sucking on it. I nodded and then turned my attention to the door. Amy was studying me with frightened eyes, probably trying to figure out what had happened to me as I walked past her. I tried to appear valiant as I passed my friends. I noted everyone was still alive, and hoped I could keep it that way.

As I exited the school and the door closed behind me, I had a sudden urge to run. I walked across the yard swiftly, but doing my best not to look panicked. As I reached the gate, I placed a hand on it and pulled it open part ways.

Negan was standing right by the entrance, with a look of irritation on his face and Lucille draped over his shoulder. I hung my head down almost immediately and didn't step into the open. I was suddenly very aware of the bleeding wound on my neck, and the black eye that I knew were going to cause questions—questions that wouldn't be believed by Negan if I told him it was from a walker. I made sure to keep my body positioned behind the gate so he wouldn't see the bleeding wound, and my head down so he wouldn't see my eye.

"Where the fuck have you been, Elle? I've been waiting here for fucking ever!" Negan said in a grumpy voice. It had only been a week, and his stubbornness was the only reason he was standing in front of me. I was grateful for it, but knew that if I didn't tread carefully, we would all pay.

I held the box out towards Negan, hoping he would just take it and go.

But he didn't take the box.

A short silence followed, and I wondered if he was trying to study me and figure out what was happening.

"I don't know what the fuck is going on…" he said in an unsure voice. He still sounded irritated. Of course he was. I had never made him wait before.

I didn't say anything and continued to avert my eyes down, silently praying he would just leave. In the back of my mind's eye, I could still see all of the Doveporters cowering together inside of the school with guns pointed at them. With every second that passed I expected to hear shots ring out.

"Elle, _look at me_ ," his voice was so gentle suddenly—all trace of anger gone and replaced with worry. Hearing that sound, I couldn't help it.

I looked up at him, feeling the tears build.

Negan's eyes widened a bit and went straight to the cut on my neck, and then to my black eye.

"What the fuck happened to you?!" he asked concerned. He went to reach out and touch the bleeding wound with his gloved hand, but I pulled away and shoved the box into him instead. I knew he wasn't going to leave until he got an answer, but what could I say that wouldn't make him charge towards the school, guns blazing?

"Did someone hurt you?" he asked softly, his eyes examining the rest of me. I swallowed and nodded once, eyes wide. I wished he could read my mind—to know about the nightmare that was happening to us.

He went to step into the yard of the school, but I blocked him with my body.

"Don't," I whispered, hanging my head down again. He was almost touching me—the close proximity would have caused butterflies after our last interaction. Instead, my stomach was doing somersaults. Caleb was watching, and if he even got slightly suspicious, it was game over.

Negan caught on right away that we needed to tread carefully. He took a step back so he was beyond the gate once more, and a thin smile spread on his face. It was fake, and I knew he was putting on a show.

"They're inside, aren't they?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I knew Caleb couldn't see my expression, and I widened my eyes more at him and nodded once again.

"With guns held to the backs of our heads," I whispered low.

I could tell he wanted to glance over at the school, but he continued to look at me instead. Then he whistled, and one of his men came up to take the box out of my hands. While his man came up to me, Negan stepped off to the side so he was out of view from the school and pressed up against the gate, opposite side of me.

"Come with me," he said low.

"I can't," I whispered, as tears threatened to fall down my face. How many times had he asked me to come with him to the Sanctuary? In the past, it had always been a flirtation. Now he was trying to protect me.

The Savior took the box just as I heard Negan take a frustrated breath.

"They're watching," I added.

"I know," he answered back. "Can you hold out for a few hours."

His man stepped out of the way, and Negan reappeared back in his place, smiling at me. His face seemed so relaxed, but I could see it in his eyes—he was already thinking of all the things he was going to do to the man who had hurt me.

"I think so. But I have to get back."

Negan nodded in understanding, and then motioned for his men to head out. They all started to get into their trucks, and I frowned as I watched them get ready to leave. I didn't want him to go, but he had to—he had to figure out a way to save us.

Before he turned to leave, Negan reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. His grip was hard, and I knew he was ready to pull me away from this place.

We both knew I wouldn't leave my people.

"For every fucking time he hurts you, I'm going to hurt him even fucking worse." His voice was ice cold, and he squeezed my shoulder tightly. His smile had turned grim, and his eyes trailed back to my bleeding cut. I knew Caleb would be seeing me soon, so I swallowed hard and fought the tears, not wanting to appear distraught.

"Hurry," I whispered.

He nodded, and then turned and walked up to a truck. I watched them drive away, and then pulled the gate shut. Instead of locking it, I mimicked the action. I hoped if I left it unlocked, it would make our rescue that much easier—and I really hoped Caleb didn't bother to check it.

"You didn't tell him anything, did you Elle?" Caleb called, stepping outside of the school. I shook my head and met his gaze, doing my best to look as defeated as I had been before.

"He said I need to be more careful with walkers, and that he'd be back in a week for more food. Same time."

Caleb read my expression carefully, and I fought the urge to gulp. I needed him to believe that Negan wasn't a threat, and that he had us where he wanted. I was relieved when Caleb grinned wide.

"Good girl. He can enjoy one more week alive. Once he's dead, I'm totally taking that sick bat of his." He placed his hand around my wrist and pulled me back towards the school. He led me through the doors and passed my friends.

"Lock them back up," he ordered. Amy and Vivienne looked at me desperately, trying to figure out if we were going to get out of this—if Negan was going to save us. I hung my head down, not wanting to look at them and expose that I hadn't done what Caleb asked. He needed to think he was going to win—that we were giving up.

I was shoved back into my room, and I started to shake as I watched Caleb pull my knife out again.

"Now… where were we?"

* * *

If the nightmare had been bad before, it was even worse once Caleb had me alone, uninterrupted. He never intended to rape me, but instead he got off on making me bleed.

His sick obsession came with a ritual. He would take the knife and slowly slice into my skin, causing a shallow cut to form—not enough to make me bleed out, but enough to cause a sharp pain to spread across my whole body. He would watch the blood flow out, and then bring his lips to the wound, sucking roughly against my sore flesh.

And I learned quickly not to fight it.

Each time I writhed and tried to pull away, he would press the knife to a new spot and slice. He started with my neck and chest, and then moved on to cutting my arms and legs, arbitrarily cutting into different places along my body.

Each time he brought his mouth to the lacerations, I would cry out, which only seemed to encourage him. My blood coated his mouth and rolled down in lines to his chin. I hadn't said anything the entire time when he lifted the blade once again. I had already lost track of how many cuts he had made.

"Please stop," I sobbed, as he lifted up my shirt and sliced into my abdomen. I struggled to remain stationary, and the blade cut deeper than it usually went, making Caleb hiss out.

"Hold still!" he ordered, pressing me down onto the bed. I began to tremble, and squeezed my eyes shut as he brought his mouth down to the new cut. It hurt so bad, and I wondered if I was going to bleed out. I was already starting to feel light headed.

When I wasn't fighting him anymore, he spent longer periods of time focusing on the cuts he made. Although he lingered with each one, he still continued to slice into my flesh and make new ones. Every time the blade broke skin, I cried out, but I stopped physically struggling. There was no use.

I tried to focus on Negan. I pictured the way he had looked at me before he had left. I wondered if he would come soon.

I needed him to come soon.

"I bet you think this is fucked up, huh?" Caleb asked, sitting up from a fresh cut he had made along my leg. "I bet you think I'm disgusting."

I didn't answer him, and was just thankful he wasn't cutting or sucking my skin.

"But this is who I am. Who I have always been, even before the world ended." I finally looked up at him to see he was studying my blood coated knife. "Even after all the therapy sessions and all the medication, nothing seemed to fix me. And you know why that is?" His eyes met mine, and I gulped.

"It's because I'm not broken."

He placed the blade onto my shoulder and dragged it down with one swift motion, making me cry out.

"You're one of the lucky ones, Elle. You could be one of those creatures out there, but you survived this whole time, just to become mine." He continued to pin me down as I writhed in pain. I felt more tears roll down my face as he placed his hand onto the wound and spread the skin a bit. I screamed out; the pain was unbearable, and I thought I was going to black out.

"They're eating each other out there. That's just the world we live in now." He let go of my skin, and my whole body shook from the trauma. "It's a world made for people like me."

He leaned down and slid is tongue into the deep wound and I began to sob, clutching the bed sheets tight.

"And you taste so sweet," he added, his lips moving against my bloodied flesh.

He continued to cut me, over and over and over. Each time he carved into me, I tried to twist from his grasp, but he held me down with little effort. I wanted to become numb to it, but each time the knife slipped into my flesh, it hurt even worse than before.

Eventually I stopped screaming. There was no use.

I had almost passed out when a loud BANG made me open my eyes wide.

 _Gunfire._

Caleb's head shot up, and before I could react, he was grabbing me and pulling me up from the bed. As soon as I was sitting upwards I could tell something was wrong—I was dizzy, and could barely keep myself up on my own. I glanced down to see my shirt was covered in blood. My pants had been pulled off, and my bare legs were covered in his cuts. I almost fell back onto the bed, but Caleb pulled me up onto my feet and led me out of the room.

He dragged me towards the cafeteria quickly, and I stumbled as we went. Screams started filling the halls as I stumbled, and my head whipped to the side as I desperately tried to figure out who was yelling. The screams were followed with gunfire—and it was coming from the classroom they had been keeping all the Doveporters in.

Once we reached the cafeteria, Caleb pulled me towards the middle of the room. He was frantically looking around for a way out. My eyes went over to the ground where Eric was laying.

He looked dead.

Caleb brought the knife up against my throat and held it there.

"You bitch," he hissed against my ear, and positioned himself so we were both facing the hall. He knew who was coming for him.

Gunshots continued to echo through the halls as we stood in the middle of the big open room. I had never thought I would be so relieved to hear the loud sound. The cool air was harshly licking away at my exposed wounds, and I shivered as my skin felt like ice. I wanted so badly to succumb to the tempting urge to pass out, but I focused my sights on the hall.

I couldn't give up now.

A familiar face rounded the corner slowly, a revolver in her hand. It was Naomi, the woman who had showed me around the Sanctuary. She aimed her gun right at Caleb, who was still holding me hostage. When her eyes reached me, she looked shocked when she noticed the many cuts covering my skin. She slowly reached over and removed a radio from her side and brought it to her mouth.

"Negan, I've got her. She's in the cafeteria."

There was no response from the radio, and she placed it back to her side carefully, still aiming her gun at Caleb.

"It's okay, Elle," she tried to reassure me, but as she spoke, Caleb pressed the blade deeper into my skin, making a line of blood trickle down. I whimpered at the sharp feeling.

"Stay back!" he yelled. "Or I'll slit her fucking throat."

Naomi didn't move for a few moments before I saw someone else come around the corner.

 _Negan._

He had a pistol in his hands and a scowl on his face as his eyes went to Caleb, holding me against him with a knife to my throat. I smiled a little bit, knowing that no matter what happened to me, Caleb's little reign of terror was over.

"Drop your guns, or I'll kill her!" Caleb threatened.

Negan took a step forward, and I could have sworn I heard Caleb gulp.

"What the fuck did you do to her?!" Negan demanded. I watched as his eyes scanned my body.

"I gave her a purpose!" Caleb shouted. His hand was shaking as he continued to press the knife into my skin. "Isn't my work beautiful? Here, let me show you!" He went to cut into my neck, but froze as Negan took another step forward.

"All your men are dead," Negan informed him in a booming voice. "All you're fucking showing me is that you're about to join them."

Caleb was breathing hard; there was no way out of this, and he knew it. He dug the blade into the skin of my neck, making me cry out in pain.

"Let her go, you sick fuck!" Negan shouted. I could feel my vision start to blur as I struggled to hold myself up. Caleb pulled the blade away from my neck, and for a single moment, I thought he was going to let me go—that I was going to be free.

Instead, he brought the knife to the side of my neck, and went to slit my throat.

The gunshot was quick and precise; the bullet flew through the air and dug deep into Caleb's shoulder—the shoulder that was holding the knife. As it hit him, Caleb's grip on the knife slipped, and I felt the blade tear deep into my neck. Caleb stumbled back and fell onto one of the lunch tables, and I dropped down to the floor. Blood seeped out from the new wound—the last wound Caleb would ever make on me.

I reached up to feel blood was gushing from my neck and I sputtered out, trying to find my voice but I couldn't talk. I could barely breathe. I gasped for breath and looked around frantically. Naomi was at my side a few moments later, lifting my head up and pressing something against my neck.

"Stay with me, Elle," she said loudly, cradling my head. She had placed her hands over the wound of my neck and was trying to stop the blood flow. My head lolled to the side and I tried to keep my eyes open as best I could, but everything was fuzzy.

As darkness engulfed my vision, the last thing I saw was Naomi's worried face looking down at me.

"Elle!" Negan's voice sounded distant.

And then everything went black.


	20. Chapter 20: In Debt

I dreamed I was floating inside a black void. There was no sound—no colors—just darkness. It was as if I was swimming through the air, gently gliding along through the nothingness. It was peaceful, and as I drifted, I felt totally calm. I had no concept of time. I didn't have a care in the world.

But the tranquil state slowly started to fade, and although my black surroundings remained, I could hear a voice gently speaking to me. Or near me. I couldn't be sure.

"….. need stitches…..infection… bandages…." I could only make out a few words coming from a voice I didn't quite recognize right away. I felt a slight pang of annoyance. I didn't want to leave this comfortable place. Not yet.

"Well fuckin' get on it!" a loud booming voice echoed in my safe haven, and my eyes flew open.

It was like someone flipped a switch—the peace I had known only moments before was swept away and replaced with a burning pain that seemed to encompass my entire body. I felt like I was on fire. I could see a white ceiling, and then two faces peering down at me in surprise. Negan… and someone else? Someone I had met before. The doctor from the Sanctuary, Carson. They were both staring at me down with looks of concern on their faces.

I went to sit up, and the fiery pain vibrated through my entire body, making me cry out. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to ease my suffering, but it was no use. I was awake, and reality was hitting me like a ton of bricks.

 _Caleb._

It all came flooding back—the way his knife had felt cutting into my skin. My eyes went down to my body and I whimpered. My shirt and legs were soaked in blood—I was drenched in it. My neck hurt worse than anything, and I could feel something wrapped around my throat. I still wasn't wearing my pants, and could see some of the cuts that now decorated my legs.

I looked like a murder victim.

"Lay back, Elle," Negan said firmly. He was staring down at me with a stern look. "Carson is gonna patch you up, but you have to relax."

 _RELAX?!_

Was he joking? My heart was pounding in my ears, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I tried to sit up again, and my limbs ached with the sudden movement. I fell back and jerked from side to side, desperately trying to shake the fiery pain away.

"We need to sedate her," Carson's voice rang out. He sounded nervous, and Negan turned to look at him. "Like I said, she's in a lot of pain. I can work better if she's not writhing around like that."

Negan nodded to him. "Do it."

I closed my eyes and tried to shut out the pain, but it just got worse. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I could hear my own sobs and screams. I had never been in so much pain.

"Hurry the fuck up!" Negan demanded. I felt his fingers lightly brush the tears away from my face and I opened my eyes was staring down at me, his eyes filled with pity, and I felt a fresh wave of panic. I only knew how bad it felt—but how bad was it for Negan to look at me like that?

Negan's hands wrapped around my upper arms and pushed me down onto the bed. A tingling sensation ran up my arm as Carson injected the sedative.

"It's okay, Elle. You're safe. I've got you," Negan assured me.

As the pain drifted away, I was pulled back into that empty, comfortable void.

* * *

When I woke up again, the pain was slightly dull. I sat and reached up to my neck, which was wrapped in a large, thick bandage that covered my throat. I placed my hand onto it and the pressure made me wince.

My throat had been cut?

I looked around the room to see I wasn't alone. I was on a small medical bed, and across the room, laying in an identical bed, was Eric. I stared at his body for a long time before I realized his chest was rising up and down.

He was alive.

I remembered watching as Caleb's men beat and kicked him, terrified they'd killed him in the process.

I glanced down at myself to see I was wearing a long tee shirt that stopped right above my knees. Below that, I could see multiple bandages covering my legs. My arms were also covered. I pulled the shirt forward a bit to look down at my chest, which looked even worse than the rest of my body.

My whole body was covered in bandages, and underneath that gauze were tons and tons of cuts.

 _Caleb's cuts._

I turned my head to look back over at Eric, and the movement pulled at the skin of my neck, making me wince. I laid back down onto the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut.

How was I still alive?

I remembered Caleb holding the knife to my neck and that Negan had been there. Hadn't he shot him? The sound of the door opening pulled me from my thoughts and I saw a familiar face peek inside.

"Elle!" Amy said in a relieved voice. "Dr. Carson, she's awake!"

I heard shuffling from the other side of the door, and then the doctor appeared. He made his way into the room and over to me.

"Thank goodness you're up," Amy said, coming over to the side of the bed with Carson. "I thought I lost you."

"I'm so glad you're okay," I whispered, trying to sit up to talk with her, but once again the pain was too much.

"You need to lay still," Carson ordered. He was fumbling with what sounded like a pill bottle to the left of me.

"What happened?" I asked, still not entirely sure what was going on.

"You're at the Sanctuary," Carson answered. He sounded tired.

"Negan saved us," Amy piped in. She smiled a bit and looked over to where Eric was. "If he hadn't, both you and Eric would be gone."

I watched her stare at Eric for a while before she turned back to me.

"You've been cut thirty-seven times." Carson's voice grabbed my attention. "You needed a lot of stitches, but I've patched you up as best I can. The worst cuts were on your chest, and of course _that_." He pointed to the large bandage on my neck. I reached up to feel the thick gauze covering around my throat again.

"However, you're gonna have a lot of scars, and there will be quite a bit of pain. I have some medication you can take every six hours. You're due for some now."

 _Thank god._

He held out his hand towards mine and placed two little pills inside my palm. With Amy's help, I sat up and swallowed the medication. He handed me a tiny paper cup with water, and I washed down the pills.

"It's strong stuff, but Negan approved you for it. It might have some side effects, but your pain should be under control."

"Thank you," I said, smiling up at him. "You saved my life."

"Just doing my job," he mumbled, turning to leave the room. Amy and I watched as he exited, leaving us alone together.

"I thought we were going to die," Amy said quietly, glancing over to look at Eric again. "But Negan brought a whole army to the school. They gunned down all of Caleb's men, and then they brought us back here. He said he figured we wouldn't want to stay there right now, and he's right." She shuddered as she told me about the aftermath. "Eric's got a few bruised ribs, and they fractured his arm. Carson has him sedated for now. He said he'd be able to heal better if he sleeps. He's going to be bedridden for a long time, but he's gonna be okay."

Eric looked almost peaceful, and I wondered if he was floating in his own empty space, the way I had been. I kind of missed my safe haven, but was glad I was awake to find out what had happened at the school.

"Is everyone okay? Where's Vivienne?" I thought about the other Doveporters and the screams I had heard coming from the hallway during the standoff with Caleb.

"Viv is okay. She's making herself comfortable, same as the others…" Her voice became much quieter as she spoke, and I furrowed my brow at her.

"Amy, what is it?" I asked, sensing something was wrong. She didn't answer me for a few moments, and then took a deep breath.

"We lost a few people," she finally confessed, looking at me sadly. "John and Minnie. Caleb's men tried to execute all of us before Negan could get to us."

I closed my eyes and tried not to think about that image. Amy had witnessed all of it, while I had been experiencing my own hell. Neither of us would ever be the same after what happened to us.

"Negan brought Caleb here, Elle." My eyes flew open at her words. "He's been torturing him."

My brow creased at her words and I stared at her in confusion. I knew Negan had a brutal side to him, but torture seemed strange to me. Why wouldn't he have just killed him?

Then I remembered back to what Negan had said to me at the gate…

 _"For every fucking time he hurts you, I'm going to hurt him even fucking worse."_

Clearly he'd meant it.

I didn't know what kind of torture Negan was inflicting on him, and I wasn't really sure how to feel about it. I was just happy to be away from that psychopath.

"We all have our own bedrooms, and Negan says we are his guests," Amy explained. "He wants us to try out living here, and if we like it, he said we can stay."

 _Of course he did._

I didn't have the energy to be angry with him about bringing Doveport to his home base. I needed to focus on getting better before I picked fights with him. I needed to rest.

And I needed to thank him.

"Where is Negan?" I asked.

"I haven't seen him all day. He kind of seems like a busy guy. This place is huge," Amy regarded the room. "Oh, and Carson said you can stay in the infirmary until you're healed. You should try to get more sleep. I need to go let the others know that you're okay."

I could feel sleep trying to claim me again, and I just nodded at her. I laid my head back onto the pillow just as the meds kicked in. I drifted off to sleep after only a few minutes.

* * *

The next time I woke up, the pain was unbearable. I sat up fast and looked around, immediately noticing the small paper cup of water and pills laying on a white desk. I grabbed them and shoved them into my mouth, swallowing them immediately. I knew it would take a few minutes for the pain to die down, and I laid back onto the pillow and shut my eyes while I waited.

After a few minutes, I started to feel numb again. I focused on my breathing, anticipating the pain to start back up at any second. When it didn't, I sat up very carefully and swung my legs over the edge of the bed. As I set my feet on the floor, I braced myself against the bed and stood up on wobbly legs. There was a small window behind me where I saw the sun was setting. I glanced over at Eric who was still unconscious. I noticed the bruises that decorated his face and arms and frowned as I inspected him. I wished I had been able to help him.

I headed into a bathroom that was inside the infirmary and closed the door carefully. Flipping on the light, my eyes immediately went to my reflection and I sighed.

I looked like hell.

On closer inspection, I noticed some of the cuts didn't have bandages and I could count the stitches. I lifted the large shirt to look at my stomach and noted that my skin there was also forever scarred. I stared at myself and saw just how broken I looked—not just physically, but emotionally. My one eye was black and blue, but they both looked dead. Caleb may not have killed me, but did plenty of damage.

I hadn't noticed right away, but my breathing had picked up. I was becoming anxious as I stood in front of the mirror, seeing this stranger staring back at me. I turned away and tried not to look at my reflection anymore.

I left the bathroom and headed back over to my medical bed. There was a fresh pair of jeans on the little table next to my bed, and I pulled them on before heading out of the infirmary.

I needed to see Negan, I wanted to thank him for saving our lives. If he hadn't showed up early, I would be dead.

I passed by a few members of the Sanctuary as I walked through the halls. All of them avoided eye contact, but I knew they were gawking at me the moment my back was turned. I was a walking freakshow. My left leg was more sore than my right, and I walked with a slight limp. I couldn't move as fast as normal, but I was determined to get to Negan.

When I arrived at the familiar door, I could hear two voices coming from the other side, but they stopped abruptly when I knocked..

"Come in!" Negan called, and I pulled the door open.

Negan sat on his leathered loveseat with a notepad and pen, but looked up as I entered. Vivienne sat across from him in one of the little box chairs, and her eyes widened at the sight of me.

"Elle…" She trailed off as she stared at my bandages. The silence that grew was awkward.

"The meds help," I said with a smile, trying to show her that I was okay. Negan set the notepad off to the side and regarded me without saying anything. I couldn't read him, as usual, but his expression was grim.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, taking my eyes off Negan and looking back at Vivienne. It was odd for her to be having a casual conversation with Negan on her own, let alone in his room.

"I'm helping Negan make plans for a garden here at the Sanctuary. He's been asking my advice on how to help make the vegetables grow." She gave me a warm smile, and then turned to Negan, but he didn't take his eyes off me.

"Oh, that's good. Vivienne is very good with that stuff." I directed my smile at Negan, but he didn't reciprocate it.

"You should be in bed," he said in a low voice. I noticed how his eyes trailed down my body. I wondered if he was picturing the many bandages and stitched up cuts that were hidden underneath my clothes, though there were plenty visible on my arms, and of course the obvious one on my neck.

"I know. I just wanted to say thank you." I hoped I sounded as sincere as I felt.

Negan didn't respond right away, and then scoffed at me.

"You should have been more careful," he sneered, picking up his notepad and directing his attention back to whatever he was writing. I frowned at him and glanced over at Vivienne, who was staring down at the ground, avoiding my gaze. I didn't understand why he was being so mean about what had happened. Was it because Vivienne was here?

"Regardless, you saved my life…" I continued, tilting my head at him. He appeared to be reading the notepad as I stood there awkwardly.

Negan let out a loud sigh and then looked back up at me.

"Yeah, well… you owe me now."

I _owed_ him?!

Where the fuck was this coming from? I knew he could be an inconsiderate asshole, but his sudden indifference made no sense. The way he'd shouted my name as I bled out on the floor of the cafeteria— the sound in his voice when I woke up at the Sanctuary…

 _"It's okay, Elle. You're safe. I've got you."_

His words echoed in my head and I stared at him as he turned back to his notepad.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I demanded, balling my hands into fists as my anger bubbled to the surface. I realized he was avoiding my gaze.

No—he was trying not to look at me— _at my body._

He was disgusted with me.

"It's my scars, isn't it?" I let out an angry laugh and shook my head. "You're repulsed by the fact that I got carved up like a jack-o-lantern."

"Go lay down," he said in a stern voice, not even looking up from the notepad.

"I am trying to thank you, Negan!" I could hear my voice crack."But you can't even look at me!" I didn't want to get emotional, and tried my best to control my temper.

I had almost forgotten Vivienne was still in the room. She sat silently in the chair only a few feet from where I was standing and having a hissy fit, and she was clearly uncomfortable.

I realized I was wasting my time with him. I had thought he cared about me, but clearly I was wrong.

I placed a hand on Vivienne's shoulder, patting her gently.

"Goodnight, Viv," I muttered, and turned to go.

My left leg gave out under me, and I groaned as they both buckled. I fell to the floor with a thud.

"Elle!" Vivienne cried out, and I heard her stand up, but a shrill whistle sounded out. Two Saviors came sprinting into the bedroom as I slowly started to get back onto my feet. One of them reached a hand out, but I slapped it away and stood on my own.

"Take her back to the infirmary," Negan ordered. I looked over my shoulder and glared at him. He hadn't even gotten up from the couch to help me.

"I can walk," I growled, yanking my arm out of one of the Savior's grasp. I stormed out as best I could despite my non-cooperative legs without saying another word to him.

I returned to the infirmary, wondering why Negan had been such an ass. I regretted going to thank him.

His frigid response to my gratitude hurt more than the thirty-seven cuts put together.


	21. Chapter 21: Gratitude

I sat up and yawned, looking around the room. I was in my bedroom at Doveport, and my limbs were tangled up in my bedding. I stared down at my pillow and blanket, feeling confused.

"I don't even like vegetables." A familiar voice brought me out of my sleepy haze, and I turned my attention to the person that was sitting at the end of my bed.

Philip was staring off into space as he spoke. I furrowed my brow as I stared at him.

"Phil?" I asked, unsure if it was really him. He looked the same as he always did, with his friendly smile and shiny bald head. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something felt off.

"My wife used to have to force me to eat them, you know? And Viv is working so hard out there. I just wanted to tell someone." He wasn't looking at me, but was instead focused on the wall.

"Okay?" I squinted at him, not understanding why he was telling me this. It was awfully bright in my room for some reason, and unusually warm.

"You doing alright, Ellie? I'm worried about you." He patted my blanket covered leg and I nodded.

"Yeah, I think so." I didn't sound too sure. I glanced over at the door, but it wasn't there. The wall had morphed together, caging us in the room, which continued to grow hotter with each passing second.

"I'm here for you, kiddo." His voice started to sound garbled. I turned back, and his face morphed into something else.

Philip was no longer Philip, but someone I hoped I would never have to see again.

A.J. started to climb up my body and grabbed my face.

" _LOOK AT ME!_ " he roared, and I couldn't look away. I wanted to scream, but no sound came out. His hands grabbed at my shirt and he started to tear it away. I tried my best to fight him, but the blankets that were tangled around me felt like restraints. I thrashed violently, and then watched as his face morphed again.

"Only thirty-seven?" Caleb scoffed. "I can do better. Let's double that!" He took out my knife from his belt and brought it to the skin of my neck. I was powerless to stop him.

 _And then he sliced._

My eyes shot open and I sat up in a panic. The sudden movement caused a sharp pain in my neck, and I reached up to touch where my throat had just been slit. My fingertips met with a bandage, not blood.

It was just a nightmare.

I let out a deep breath and felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of my face. I looked around the room, trying to calm my nerves. Eric was still sedated in the bed, and I could see the sun was out. I winced as the pain flared up all over my skin.

I quickly grabbed the medication bottle off the table next to my bed and tossed two pills into my mouth. Not too long after, the pain subsided, and I sighed in relief.

Carson came into the room just as I had settled back onto my pillow.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, walking over to where Eric was sleeping soundlessly.

"Those pain meds are _really_ good," I confessed as I sat up. I hoped I didn't look as shaken as I felt from my terrifying dream. "Where did you get them?"

I watched him prepare a needle for Eric.

"From you, actually," Carson replied, as he gave Eric a shot of medication. I wasn't sure if it was to keep him sleeping or for pain control. "They were with the blood pressure pills you supplied to Negan a few months ago."

"No shit," I smiled, remembering back to when I had found the totes with Amy and Eric. It had been right after I had met Negan.

My smile soured as I remembered the conversation I had with him the night prior.

 _'You owe me.'_

He had been so cold and indifferent, and I didn't understand why. I was still angry at him, and I wanted to confront him again. Maybe he'd be easier to talk to if I got him alone.

"Where's Negan?" I asked as I got up from the bed, moving carefully to avoid any unnecessary pain.

"He's probably having one of his weekly meetings with his lieutenants," Carson said, pulling off his medical gloves.

"Where?" I asked, sliding my shoes on.

"Not sure. The rec-room, probably. But you need to stay out of their business." He turned to me with a stern look on his face. "You need to stay in bed. Your wounds will heal faster if you rest."

"I know. I just need to talk to him." Before the doctor could say anything else, I hurried out of the infirmary and down the hall.

Naomi had shown me where the recreation room was when she gave me a tour of the place, and I was confident I remembered the way. After my nightmare, I was determined to try and talk to Negan again. My pace was painfully slow, but my balance felt a little sturdier than the night before. Soon enough, I reached the door to the rec-room and pushed it open. I didn't bother to knock.

Negan was sprawled out on the couch and surrounded by his men, one of whom had been in the middle of a sentence when I barged in. They all stared at me as I hobbled into the room with my head held high. I didn't care how stupid I looked, or that I was playing with fire. Negan's eyes scanned me from head to toe.

"You lookin' to add more scars to that already large collection, sweetheart?" he snickered. His men chuckled at his joke, and I narrowed my eyes at him. Part of me wanted to turn around and leave, but another wanted to punch that smirk off his face.

He wanted to play?

 _Then we would play._

They were still laughing at his low-blow jest as I reached my hands down and grabbed the bottom of my shirt. In one quick motion, I peeled the fabric off my body and over my head, exposing my bandage covered chest and abdomen. I balled the shirt up and threw it across the room, hitting Negan square in the face.

The room grew eerily quiet as I stood before them half naked. Goosebumps formed on my skin from the chilly air, but I ignored them. My shirt had fallen onto his lap, where it remained untouched. Negan just stared at me, a look of confusion slowly spreading on his face. I held my arms out as if I was presenting myself to him—to all of them.

"You said I owe you. I'm here to pay up." I said, but my voice sounded so cold I wasn't sure it belonged to me at all. I reached up a hand to unhook my bra as I noticed a flash of anger in Negan's eyes.

"Stop," he growled.

My hand froze in place and I glanced around to see his men were watching me with curious expressions, not entirely understanding what was happening. Some of them were ogling me. Others had their eyes locked onto Negan, trying to gauge how he would react.

"Everyone get the fuck out," he ordered. His men immediately stood and filed out of the room. I felt their eyes on me as I turned my attention back to Negan.

"I thought you'd like an audience," I teased, as we were left alone. My voice was playful and the tension in it was almost hidden. He narrowed his eyes at me as I unlatched one of the little hooks of my bra.

" _Stop_ ," he repeated, in the same voice.

I dropped my arm from my back and tilted my head.

"Why? Am I going too fast? I can move slower." I pursed my lips, pretending to be confused. "I'm just giving you what you want."

His eyes fixated on my breasts, before returning to my face. He tossed my shirt back at me and I caught it in my hands.

"Put it on," he demanded, turning his head away. He had done nothing but give orders since he had realized what I was doing—orders to his men, and orders to me. I knew I was pissing him off, but I didn't care.

"Why? Do my cuts disgust you?" I pressed, holding the shirt in one hand. He was trying not to look at me.

"Come on, Negan. We might as well get this over with so you can get back to your little meeting." I reached for the zipper of my jeans and pulled it down.

"Knock it the fuck off!" he suddenly shouted, making my fingers freeze. I had just started to pull my jeans down my hips, but stopped. My amused smile changed into a scowl and my anger surfaced.

"You said I owe you! You took me away from Doveport, so this is all I have left to give!" I yelled back.

Negan stood up so fast it scared me, and I dropped my shirt onto the floor. He was towering over me in seconds, but didn't touch me. The action was clearly done to intimidate me, but I swallowed hard and held my ground, glaring up at him.

"The fuck it is!" he snarled. "You're being really fucking stupid right now."

"I _have_ been stupid!" I cried out. "People are dead because of me, Negan!" I closed my eyes and pictured John and Minnie's faces. They were gone because I had been too trusting. I could have turned Caleb and his men away. We could have searched them for weapons. I was supposed to be a good leader, and it was my mistake that cost people their lives.

I wondered what had happened when Negan's Saviors stormed the school. I hadn't been able to see the aftermath, after Caleb had slit my throat.

"Did you lose any men?" I asked, opening my eyes to try and read his features. When he didn't answer and continued to stare at me, it was all the confirmation I needed.

"It's all my fault," I whispered, shaking my head.

Negan's hand reached for my arm, and I flinched when his fingers touched my skin. I expected the action to be rough, but it was a comforting gesture. I felt tears threatening to spill down my face as he gazed down at me, and I looked away.

"They said they needed our help. I thought they had a baby." I was staring off into space as I tried to explain to him why I had let Caleb into the school. "Philip opened his home to Amy, Eric, and me. I was just trying to show them the same kindness… "

Negan was unusually quiet as I spoke. His fingers were still lingering on my arm, but I didn't pull away from his touch. I swallowed hard and peered up at him through glossy eyes.

"I have nothing left, Negan. You saved our lives, and I don't know how else to say thank you. Why won't you just let me give you the one thing that I know you want?"

I placed a hand around his fingers that were still touching my arm and moved his hand down to my waist. I knew he wanted me. If I owed him, then I could repay him this way.

Negan's hand left my waist and wrapped around my lower back. In one fast motion, he pulled me into a strong embrace. The action surprised me, but I didn't fight it. Instead, I buried my face into his chest and couldn't help the stream of tears that were now rolling down my cheeks and staining his shirt. He held me for a while as I cried; the room was quiet, other than the sounds of my sniffling.

After holding me for a while, his hands moved to my upper back where he hooked my bra back into place. My face scrunched in confusion as he carefully grabbed each of my arms. I went to take a step forward to close the distance again, but he held me still.

"Not like this," his voice was husky. He was staring down at me with such a soft expression, filled with pity and something else unspoken.

I frowned. He had been propositioning me for weeks, and now that he finally had his chance to be with me, he was rejecting it? I didn't understand it, and I was even more surprised to realize I felt disappointment at it. Part of me had wanted him to take me up on my offer—to help me escape for a few minutes.

"You really want me to stop?" I asked, reaching my arms out and wrapping them around his neck. His jaw clenched a little as I slid one of my hands into his hair, gently tugging on it. Negan let out a groan and closed his eyes. I could see the internal struggle playing out on his features as he placed his hands on my hips to hold me back.

"It's the meds talking," he grumbled, not opening his eyes. His jaw was clenched, and he was very stiff. Maybe it was the meds that had started this little show, but it was backfiring fast. Sure he was getting aroused, but I was too.

"Come on," I coaxed, feeling the grip of his hands loosen enough so I could once again close the space. My bra pushed up against his chest and he let out a long breath.

"Elle…" he sighed, opening his eyes to look at me. It was supposed to be a warning, but I could hear the strain in his voice. We remained locked like that for a while; each of us staring at one another, but neither of us made a move.

"You need to get your ass back in bed." He smiled a little as he gazed into my eyes.

"I'm sick of sleeping," I muttered. One of his hands returned to my arm, but instead of holding me in place, his index finger carefully traced the edge of one of the bandages there. As he touched the cotton coverings, I remembered what Amy had told me.

"Can I see Caleb?" I asked suddenly. Negan's hand dropped away from my arm.

"No."

"Please? I want to see him!" I said, moving a hand to his face to rub against the soft stubble, hoping I could convince him. He let out a long sigh and then shook his head.

"You don't need to worry about that." He was trying to change the subject, but I wasn't done with my questions.

"When can we go home?" I asked, thinking about the mess that was probably left back at Doveport. The bodies of Caleb's men had probably been left there, and I wanted to clean up the school before the smell of decay filled the halls.

When Negan didn't say anything I dropped my hand from his face and huffed.

"You can't force us to stay here, Negan." I pushed away from him and bent down to pick up my crumpled shirt.

"Of course I can," he said, just as my head popped through the opening of the shirt. I shook my head in frustration as I smoothed the fabric down.

"I don't understand why you aren't willing to screw me right now. You've already fucked me over and over again. If my scars are that bad-"

I didn't have time to finish my sentence. Negan approached me fast and took my face into his hands. Tilting my head up carefully in one quick motion, he pressed his lips against mine. Unlike our first kiss, this one felt tender and gentle. The action had taken me by surprise, but I relaxed in his grasp and kissed him back. When our lips parted, I looked up at him in confusion.

"Negan-" I started to say, but he cut me off.

"Shut up and listen. Your cuts don't disgust me." His thumb started to rub against my cheek. "They're a fucking reminder that I could have saved you sooner. I sent you back inside that school with that sick fuck. I should have taken you away when I had the chance."

"But the others would be dead," I murmured, leaning my face into his touch. It felt nice— kissing him felt nice.

"I know, but it doesn't change the fucking fact you got hurt." He was looking at me with such a serious expression that I knew he was being sincere.

 _I had been so wrong_. He wasn't repulsed by my scars—he felt guilty about leaving me with Caleb.

"And you don't owe me, okay? I take care of my people. And as bad as I want to _take care of you_ …" His other hand reached down to the front of my pants where his fingers pinched the zipper and pulled it up. "That's not what you need right now."

I didn't know what to say. He was telling me sex was off the table, but his sudden confession had me wanting him more than ever. He stroked my cheek and smiled.

"I stationed some of my men at the school. Your people are safe and can stay here for now. We can discuss this shit more when you're feeling better, but right now you need to go lay down."

I hated to admit it, but he was right.

Going home wasn't really an option at the moment, and we were probably better off staying at the Sanctuary for the time being. Eric needed Dr. Carson, and I needed the pain meds just to function. I had just taken some pills before coming to face Negan and already my cuts were starting to hurt again.

"I had a nightmare," I whispered, hoping he wouldn't send me away. Negan chuckled and his hand dropped from my face. I missed the contact immediately.

"You're a big girl, Elle. I think you can handle some bad dreams."

He nodded to the door, gesturing for me to leave. I sighed and hung my head down. I would agree to play by his rules for now.

This was his house, after all.

Before I exited the room, I turned to look back over my shoulder. Negan looked so serious, but that gentler side was still present. I could see the way he worried about me even from across the room. This brutal, carefully calculated man had built up such a tough outer shell, but when we were alone that facade cracked and allowed me to see a completely different side.

As I headed back to the infirmary, I wondered how different things would be between Negan and me if I hadn't been so badly injured by Caleb.

I wondered if Caleb was really being tortured.

And most importantly, I wondered if I had really set out to push Negan just now, or if my intentions had been due to something else entirely.

I sat down on the medical bed and glanced over at the pill bottle. I picked it up and screwed the little top off, pouring two pills into my hand. I wasn't ready to face the demons in my dreams and didn't want to feel the things I was feeling. It was hours before my next scheduled dose, but I didn't care.

I just wanted to feel numb again.


	22. Chapter 22: Forgiveness

I was standing behind the register at the grocery store and scanning items that came down the belt. It was a normal, busy day; the other grocery clerks had people in their lines and were scanning items. My feet were sore, I couldn't wait for my shift to be over, and something just didn't feel right. Hadn't I quit this job?

I hadn't looked up to see who my customer was, but they were buying a lot of cherry pop-tarts. The soft beeps from the bar-codes being scanned echoed throughout store, and the familiar sound was kind of comforting.

I scanned box after box of the processed pastries until suddenly a baseball bat came down the conveyor belt. It was followed by a roll of barbed wire.

I stared down at the items confused. I didn't think we sold those kinds of things at the grocery store. I looked up to ask my customer where they had found them, but there was no one there. I glanced around, and realized I was completely alone in the store. I turned to look behind me when a voice cleared their throat.

"You got quite the arm on you, huh?" I faced back to see a man was now standing in front of my till—not just any man—Adam.

At first he looked normal; I stared at his tattoos as I tried to figure out why he was here at the store. Then, just after he finished speaking, I watched as tiny little red marks appeared on the side of his head and started leaking blood. It ran down his face and he didn't even flinch.

"I did you a favor killing that bald bastard," he said, as he continued to bleed. I looked down to see that there were now chunks of bloody skin coming down the conveyor belt. I gasped in horror as Adam's head continued to be mutilated right before me—the bits of brain and skull were piling up on my till.

I took a few steps away from my register and felt my back hit something. Startled, I spun around to come face to face with Philip.

"Why did you let Adam kill me?" he asked simply, with a furrowed brow.

"I didn't!" I exclaimed, and felt tears form in my eyes. I watched as a bullet hole formed on his head and a line of blood ran down his face. I tried to go to him, but I couldn't move. I was frozen in place.

"If you wanted to play leader so bad, you should have killed him yourself." Negan stepped up from behind Philip and then raised the bat above his head.

"NO!" I yelled, reaching out to pull Philip away. My hand touched air, and Philip disappeared.

Negan swung the bat over his shoulder, and then brought it flying towards my head.

My eyes opened fast and I sat up.

Looking around the room, I realized it had been another nightmare.

I had been plagued with them for the last couple days.

After the incident with Caleb, Negan had moved us into the Sanctuary. And although I was now living with him, I hadn't seen him since I had interrupted his meeting. Dr. Carson told me he was busy with other matters.

Eric was awake, but could barely walk on his own. Every day he practiced physical therapy with Amy to try and help him recover faster, but Caleb's men had really done a number on him. He was relieved to see Amy and the baby were okay, but he apologized for not being able to protect me. I told him not to feel guilty—I hadn't been able to defend him either. We were both lucky to be alive.

My cuts were healing, but it was a slow process. Showering was a hassle—the water stung on my skin. Doctor Carson helped me change my bandages, and removed some of my stitches. The gash on my neck was the most sore of them all, and I still had to take pain medication.

I had started taking quite a bit of it.

The meds made me feel numb, and not just in a physical sense. They calmed my nerves and helped me not to focus on the nightmares that haunted me every time I slept. My mind kept trying to pull me back to the past—to Philip's death—to killing Adam—to A.J.—to Caleb. I hadn't had a good night's rest in a long time, but the more pills I swallowed, the less I felt.

Carson had said I could take two pills every six hours, but I was taking them far more often than that. Every two hours or so, I would go straight to the little bottle, and often I took more than just two. It became a comfort. Unfortunately, the medication made it hard to focus, and I was constantly dizzy.

I sat up and looked around. I was no longer staying in the infirmary, but had been moved into a small bedroom. It was simple; there was a single bed with a grey comforter and a pillow, a small, wooden dresser, and a bedside table with a lamp. I was grateful to have my privacy. Everyone was basically breathing down my neck and constantly checking on me. It was nice to have some space.

I pulled the blankets back and glanced down at myself. I was wearing a black tank top and had taken my pants off to lay in bed. My legs were still covered with bandages, though some of the cuts were exposed. Carson had said it would be a good idea to let the shallow wounds get some clean air. He had also said the pain would be a little irritating, but I was taking so many pills, I couldn't feel a thing.

I reached over to the little nightstand where the pill bottle was. I picked it up and poured out four pills into my hand and swallowed each one individually. I had started doubling the doses when the nightmares got too bad.

I remained sitting up on the bed, waiting for the effects to take hold. I knew once they had right away; my entire body relaxed and I glanced over at my pillow. I was just about to lay back down when a knock at my door grabbed my attention.

"Come in!" I called, pulling the blankets over my bare legs. The door opened and Vivienne stepped in.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. They were always asking me that.

"Just took my meds." I gestured at the pill bottle. I had been careful not to let Carson, or anyone else notice the amount of pills that were missing. I didn't need him to know about my extra doses.

"I just wanted to tell you I'm headed out to work on the garden. You're welcome to come see it, if you're feeling up for it."

I nodded and rubbed at my eyes. I hadn't really spent much time with anyone in the last couple days and had been trying to get some rest. Maybe going out wouldn't hurt. I thought back to the night I had went to thank Negan for saving our lives and Vivienne had been sitting in his room, discussing the garden. We hadn't been here very long, and she was already making herself at home. Negan had said we could discuss moving back to Doveport, but I wondered if he had meant it.

I didn't realize it right away, but I had been staring off at a wall to my side for a while before Vivienne brought me back to the present.

"Elle?" Her voice raised in concern, and I turned to look at her.

"I'll come out and see it now. Just let me get dressed."

She smiled wide at me. "Okay! See you in a few."

She exited my room and I waited a few seconds before turning my attention back to the little bottle. I was going to need to slow down, or I'd run out fast.

I got up carefully, trying my best to find my balance. As my feet braced on the floor, my body swayed from side to side at first. I felt dizzy and a little nauseous, but I was getting used to it. I pulled on my jeans, grabbed my knife, and then headed out of the bedroom.

The Saviors didn't seem to pay us much attention. Negan had made it very clear that we were his guests and we weren't to be messed with. I did notice that many of them would stare at me, and realized it was probably because of the little stunt I had pulled during Negan's meeting.

I had taken off my shirt in front of his men. And weeks back when he had brought me to the Sanctuary, I had spent the night in his room. I didn't really care what they thought, but knew they probably had their opinions about me—hence the staring.

I headed outside and towards the back of the factory where the garden was being built. I noticed all of the men that were patrolling the perimeter—their guns held tightly and ready to shoot at a moment's notice. They looked like soldiers. I glanced around at the many vehicles that were parked back there, including the car we had given Negan. By the looks of it, they didn't even need it.

I saw Vivienne from across the way. There was a huge patch of dirt, much larger than the one back at Doveport, where she was kneeling down and talking to a few men and women. As I approached, I could hear her talking about fertilizer.

"Hey," I said awkwardly, walking up and raising a hand to shield the sun from my eyes. Everyone turned to look at me, and I kept my focus on Vivienne as they regarded me.

"Elle!" Vivienne got up from the ground and approached me. "What do you think?" She gestured at the large dirt patch.

"Looks like you have a lot of room to work with." I glanced around at the faces and noticed there was a familiar one.

"Danny?" I asked, squinting.

He looked up from where he had been digging into the dirt with a garden shovel and smiled at me.

"Hi, Elle," he greeted me warmly. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay." I smiled at him. I hadn't seen him since he had been living at the school with us. I had almost forgotten that he had fled Doveport and returned to Negan to tell him all about the lie we had been spinning about me being the leader. As he stood before me, an awkward air grew between the two of us. I wasn't really sure what to say to him, and was grateful Vivienne cut in.

"You should see all the different types of seeds they have." She walked over to a little box that was sitting on the ground and picked it up. She brought it over to me and I looked inside. It was filled with little, colorful planter's packets. I could see pictures of cucumbers, tomatoes, and peas.

"That's great, Viv." I looked behind her to see the Sanctuary members that had been gathered to learn gardening tips were all staring at me. Their eyes were studying my cuts and bandages, and I shuffled nervously.

This was why I wasn't leaving my room very often anymore.

"Elle, can I talk to you?" Danny asked in a nervous voice, making me forget I was being watched like an animal at the zoo. He had gotten up from the ground and was standing across from me with an unsure look on his face. I was starting to feel light headed, but I nodded. I told Vivienne I would see her later and wished her luck with her garden, and then Danny led me back inside the factory building.

We entered the cafeteria and sat down at the one of the long tables. We were the only ones in the room, and he seemed a little uneasy as he looked at me.

 _It was probably my cuts._

"What's up?" I asked, grateful to be sitting. The meds had really kicked in, and I felt like if I closed my eyes long enough I would pass out.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I never got to apologize before, and I didn't mean to get you in trouble." He stared down at the table as if he was ashamed. "I was afraid we would get caught, and I didn't want anyone to die for me."

I could barely focus on his apology. I nodded, pretending that I had heard him, but my attention was elsewhere. While he was speaking, I noticed a bit of movement behind him, and my eyes went to a shadowy figure off in the distance. I squinted to try and see what it was, but it disappeared before I could make it out.

"Elle?" Danny asked in a concerned voice. My eyes went back to his face and he was looking at me with a furrowed brow.

"Don't worry about it. I'm not mad at you. You did what you had to do." I smiled a bit at him, hoping we could end this conversation soon so I could go back to my room and be alone.

"I also wanted to say thank you. You guys protected me, and you didn't have to. I'll never forget that." He grinned. "I'm gonna learn how to grow food with Vivienne. Negan even said we could build a greenhouse eventually!"

I opened my mouth to respond when the figure caught my attention again, and I watched over Danny's shoulder as it moved towards us. When I realized what I was seeing, I swallowed hard.

 _I had to be asleep._

 _This couldn't be real._

It stopped right behind Danny and peered down at me, but didn't speak. I felt like I needed to run, but I couldn't move.

 _Adam._

His skin was white and his eyes were wide. He had a scowl on his face as he looked down at me. Blood was pouring out the side of his head and down his face. He reached out a bloody, tattooed arm across the table to try and grab me. I winced and closed my eyes.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Danny asked. I looked back and the ghostly Adam had disappeared.

I was hallucinating—I had to be. It was the overuse of the medication that was causing my nightmares to follow me even when I was awake. I glanced down to stare at the table, not knowing what to say to Danny. He probably thought I had lost my mind.

It certainly felt like that's what was happening.

"Do you know about what happened?" I asked in a quiet voice. I kept my eyes locked on Danny's face just in case any other ghosts decided to visit. If they did, I'd do my best to ignore them.

"Yeah. I don't know all the details, but I heard that there was a bad man that went into the school." He frowned at me and shook his head. "And that he was the one who did _that_ to you." He gestured at my body.

"Amy said Negan brought him here…" I hoped Danny knew more about what happened. It had been days since anyone had mentioned Caleb, and I was curious to know about his fate.

"Yeah, he did. He's being held in the cells. Negan has been visiting him a couple times a day."

 _The cells._

Of course he would be keeping him there. I mentally cursed myself for not even considering the obvious. Part of me was hoping it wasn't true and that Caleb had been killed during the standoff.

I tried to conceal my eagerness to cut the conversation short and smiled kindly at Danny.

"We're safe now. And I forgive you."

He seemed to believe me. For what it was worth, it was true. I didn't hold it against him.

"Thank you, Elle." He grinned back at me. "Maybe I can make it up to you some day."

"You don't owe me anything." I stood up from the table and stretched a bit. The movement made my muscles ache and my cuts sting, but I tried to ignore it. I was already thinking about the next time I would take some pills.

"I need to get some rest, Danny. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay, Elle. I hope you feel better." Danny stood up too, and I turned to head out of the cafeteria. I acted like I was on my way back to my room, and waited for Danny to head back outside to join Vivienne and the others. Once he was out of sight, I headed to the stairwell and made my way to the cells.

The Sanctuary didn't exactly have a prison, but they had little rooms they used to keep people locked up in. I had spent an entire night in one when Negan had first brought me to the foundry. I glanced around the corners, hoping for the coast to be clear. Fortunately for me, no one was patrolling the halls.

Most of the doors lining the hallway were open and led into empty rooms, but one room towards the end of the hall was closed. I approached it slowly and noticed it was locked. I twisted the little knob, unlocking the door and hearing the sharp click. Very carefully, I pushed the door open to look inside.

The sight before me made my stomach churn.

Caleb was slouched on the floor directly across from the door. The light from the hallway illuminated his body just enough for me to see him—to see what was left of him.

He was covered in cuts _just like me_ —his arms and legs had near identical marks carved into his flesh, but his wounds seemed worse than mine. They looked deeper.

There was blood everywhere—on the floor and on the walls of the room. A foul stench crept out into the hallway, making me gag.

The sound made Caleb slowly look up from where his body was hunched over.

Except it wasn't Caleb. Not anymore.

 _He had turned._

His eyes looked grey and glossy as we stared at one another. He let out a low growl, and I noticed his neck had also been cut same as mine. He started to move towards me, and my hand went to my knife that was sheathed in my belt.

Caleb's walker form started to get to its feet, and I took a step forward into the dark room. I pulled out my knife and crouched down next to him. With one quick motion, I stabbed his head, making his corpse collapse permanently.

I stared down at his body that was no longer a threat and the nausea I had already been experiencing became so much worse. Amy had told me he was being tortured, but I didn't expect it to be this cruel. Caleb looked much worse than I had, and I couldn't look away from the mangled body beneath me. The monster that had traumatized me was now dead.

"Well shit." A voice from outside the room made me look up in shock.

Negan was leaning against the door-frame watching me. I had no idea how long he had been there, but his presence made me feel uneasy.

"I was gonna make that fucker work out on my fence, but I guess that's out of the question now."

I stood back up carefully, clutching my knife in my hand.

"Why were you keeping a biter locked up?" I asked in a shaky voice. My head was throbbing and I felt faint. Whether it was the pills or the sight of Caleb, I wasn't sure.

"He wasn't a biter when I left him this morning." Negan sounded amused as he spoke. "I must have cut too deep when I slit his fucking throat."

"Did you drink his blood too?" I deadpanned.

A long silence grew between the two of us and I realized that Negan wouldn't have known about that little detail. No one knew that Caleb hadn't just cut me. He had ran his tongue along the open flesh of each wound.

"I might be into some kinky shit, but that's something even I'm not fuckin' into," Negan said. He sounded disgusted. I could only imagine he was staring at my cuts and picturing the awful things Caleb had done to me. I avoided his gaze and continued to stare down at the ground.

I couldn't look away from the body.

"You shouldn't be here," he stated. "You need to rest."

I nodded slowly and then pulled myself out of the trance I was in. I headed over to the door where Negan was still standing, but he didn't move out of the way. I took a deep breath, knowing he would want to talk. I wasn't feeling up for it, and suddenly needed to get the hell out of that room.

"How are you feeling?" He sounded so sincere—so caring. Usually I would have felt safe hearing him be so concerned, but I had once again witnessed the brutality that Negan was capable of.

I couldn't enjoy this like he was.

"It still hurts," I mumbled, rubbing at my arm.

"You need to make sure you're taking your meds," he said, reaching out to brush a strand of hair from my face.

I couldn't look at him.

I was taking my meds, _and then some._

It was clearly becoming a problem, but I knew I couldn't stop. I couldn't function without them. I was already craving another dose. He didn't care about the nightmares. He didn't need another reason to worry. I couldn't tell him about any of it.

"I am," I whispered, avoiding eye contact. I could feel his eyes studying me for a long time, and then he stepped out of the way. I started to head back down the hall when Negan's voice made me freeze.

"I made sure he suffered."

I didn't turn to face him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Caleb was dead and would never hurt anyone again, but Negan had tortured him for days.

He had carved up Caleb to get revenge.

 _He had done this for me._

And yet, something felt so incredibly wrong about it.

After a few moments of standing still, I continued on my way back to my room without saying another word to Negan.

Maybe it should have been a comfort, or maybe I should have been disgusted by it.

But I wasn't sure how I felt.

I couldn't really feel anything.


	23. Chapter 23: The Lucky Ones

A week went by in the blink of an eye. The nightmares continued to plague my sleep every night, and I found myself relying on the pain meds to drown them out. I thought I would have become numb to their haunting faces, but every time they visited my dreams, I felt utter dread and guilt—especially when I saw Philip.

Many of my cuts had started to scab over and close, leaving scars that decorated my body. Even the gash on my neck had started to heal and was less tender, but I wasn't taking the pills for the physical pain anymore. They were more like an emotional anesthetic.

My mind was constantly trying to pull me back to everything that had happened. I often dreamed of being in bed and suddenly being pinned down by A.J. I watched in horror again and again as Philip was shot. I found myself gripping a blood soaked barbed-wire baseball bat after beating Adam to death. I shrieked in horror as Caleb sliced open my skin.

But it didn't stop there. I started seeing their faces when I was awake, lingering in the background everywhere I went. I couldn't escape them. I swallowed countless pills, hoping it would make them disappear, but they only made me indifferent to them. I tried to sleep as much as I could to avoid them, but in doing so, I also avoided my friends.

One day the pills ran out, and I had to get a new bottle from Carson. Thankfully, he didn't question the fact I already needed a second bottle. As the Sanctuary's only doctor, he was an extremely busy man.

Then another week passed, and I emptied that bottle twice as fast.

I wasn't addicted—at least, that's what I told myself. This was only temporary, and that constant pull I was feeling was a need to not be in any pain. Only hours after running out, I was faced with an agonizing headache. My entire body was aching, and the cuts that hadn't bothered me were on fire.

I needed more pills.

I was almost to the infirmary on my way to talk to Dr. Carson when I saw Amy headed towards me. Her stomach was really starting to extend and she had been given larger clothes to compensate. I stared at her baby bump as she approached me and realized it had grown so much in the time we'd been here.

"Elle, guess what!" she exclaimed, smiling wide at me. Normally I would have met her enthusiasm, but I didn't have time to talk to her. I needed to get to the infirmary.

"Carson set up the ultrasound machine today. I'm having a girl!" Amy was beaming.

I should have been ecstatic for her.

I should have congratulated her.

I should have cared.

But all I wanted were my pills.

"That's great, Amy," I said in an apathetic voice. Fortunately, Amy didn't pick up on my tone.

"I think I'm gonna name her Abigail, after my mom. Eric likes that name too, what do you think?"

"Sure…" I placed a hand to lean on the wall, and looked over her shoulder. Dr. Carson's office was right behind her. I was so close to getting my meds.

"Listen Amy, I gotta go talk to Carson."

"Hold on, I gotta show you-"

"I don't have time." I pushed past her to make my way to the office. I wasn't going to stand around with her until I had my medication, and her cheery attitude was getting on my nerves. She had been holding something in her hand, but I couldn't focus long enough to see what it was. To be honest, I didn't care. All I cared about was getting my pills so that I could avoid the pain for just a little longer.

Amy didn't follow me into Carson's office. I knew she would probably be hurt by my reaction, or lack thereof, but I could fix everything once I took the pain medication.

Dr. Carson was sitting behind his desk and filling out some paperwork. I always thought it was strange that he was so meticulous about his files and wondered if Negan made him be so organized. What was the point? The world had gone to shit. Maybe that's just how he was. He glanced up at me and then looked back down at his paperwork.

"Hello, Elle. What can I do for you today?" He wrote something down, and then set his pen onto the desk and looked up at me with a thin smile.

"I need more pain meds." I decided to be upfront with him, and hoped it would work out in my favor.

"You can't possibly be out. Those bottles are a two weeks supply." He sat back in his chair and regarded me. "Are you taking more than the recommended dose?"

"I just need another bottle. It's no big deal." I was trying to play it cool.

"I'm sorry Elle, but I can't let you take any more. Abusing those kinds of opiates is dangerous. Your cuts have started to heal nicely. I think you should stay off them from now on."

"No, _please_!" I begged, slamming my hands down onto his desk and startling him. "I need them. Please, just give me a few more!"

Carson stood up and crossed his arms. He seemed a bit nervous, but was doing his best to be stoic.

"You don't need anymore, Elle. I think you should try going without them. I don't want to have to talk to Negan about this."

It was a warning—he was mentioning Negan to remind me that I was still under his roof. I didn't need Negan getting involved, but I didn't appreciate the threat. If Negan found out I was taking more pills than I was supposed to, he'd take them away for good.

And I couldn't have that.

I narrowed my eyes at him and felt anger surge through me.

"Fine!" I seethed, turning to march out of the infirmary.

I would figure something else out.

* * *

The evening dragged on forever. I laid in my bed and tried to ignore the throbbing migraine and aches in my bones.

I couldn't focus.

I couldn't think.

I _needed_ those pills.

Talking to Carson was a lost cause. He wasn't going to give me the medication willingly, and I knew threatening him would just land my ass in trouble. After hours of trying to come up with a solution, I decided I had no other choice.

I had to steal them.

I waited until the sun set and the moon rose high in the sky. I looked out the glass pane window and hoped Negan's men wouldn't be on patrol or that Carson would be working late.

Creeping into the hallway, I made sure that the coast was clear. It took a couple of minutes, but eventually my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could move through the hallways to Carson's office with ease. The door was closed, but I was relieved to discover it was unlocked. Negan probably figured no one was stupid enough to steal medication. In my eyes, he was the stupid one for making this all too easy.

And it _was_ too easy.

None of the medication was locked up. I closed the door behind me and immediately went over to the cupboard where I had seen Carson fetch the pain medication before. Using the moonlight coming through the window, I studied the different colored canisters until I found what I was looking for.

I grabbed three bottles and closed the cabinet doors. Turning off the light and opening the door slowly, I glanced around to make sure I wasn't being watched. I was just about to enter the hallway when a voice from over my shoulder made me jump.

 _"Don't do this."_

I dropped the pill bottles onto the ground and they clattered; the shrill sound seemed to echo off the walls. My heart jumped into my throat. I knew that voice immediately, and I turned slowly to look behind me.

Philip was standing in the doctor's office with wide, sad eyes. He was staring at the bottles on the ground and he shook his head.

 _"Please, Elle."_ His eyes went to mine. _"Put them back."_

"Leave me alone!" I whispered sharply, and just as I turned away from Philip I came face to face with A.J.

 _"It's okay, new girl. Take as many as you need. They'll help you relax."_ He reached out a hand to grab me and I winced.

 _"Better yet, find a knife!"_ Caleb was inside Carson's office and sitting on top of his desk. _"Or a scalpel. Something sharp. Let's reopen those wounds! I'd hate to see my work go to waste."_

I brought my hand to my face and pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted them to shut up. Why wouldn't they just shut the hell up?

When I looked around again, they were gone. I let out a sigh of relief, and then I noticed a figure leaning against the wall out in the dark hallway.

 _"You should swallow as many as you can and just fucking end it already,"_ Adam said. I knew his head was mangled, same as always. Letting out a breath and doing my best to ignore him, I bent over and collected the bottles.

I hurried back to my bedroom, and once inside, I closed the door silently and locked it. I sat down on the edge of my bed and placed two of the little white canisters on my nightstand. Taking the third into my hand, I screwed off the top and poured four pills into my hand. I tossed them into my mouth and swallowed.

I felt instant relief. I knew the drugs couldn't be affecting me yet, but I was just happy that I would have enough to last me a while. It was a great comfort.

I curled up into my blankets and sighed contently, drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

I slept much later than I intended. Not that it really mattered. It wasn't like Negan had assigned us any jobs or responsibilities.

I sat up and stretched, looking around my room. The pill bottles were still sitting on the nightstand, and I smiled at them. I opened the same bottle from the night before and took four more pills. Once I swallowed them, I grabbed all three canisters and stuffed them into my pillow case.

I got dressed and glanced out the window. My room was facing the back of the Sanctuary, and I could see Vivienne working out in the garden. In the few weeks we'd been living at Negan's humble abode, Vivienne had made a huge amount of progress. She showed the community members living here how to grow their own produce, and already the garden had a wide variety of vegetation growing. I wondered if Negan was impressed. He was always very busy, and I hadn't seen him.

Once I was out of my room, I headed down the hallway with a big grin on my face. I was feeling a lot better, and I decided I'd try to find Amy and Eric. It didn't take long. They were sitting in the recreation room together, and as I looked in through the open door, I noticed how happy they were. Both of them were sitting on a wide couch and they were watching a movie on a big tv screen. A few Sanctuary members and Doveporters were sitting with them, and they'd occasionally laugh. The smile on my face faded as I realized what was happening.

Between Vivienne with her garden, and Amy and Eric becoming acclimated, everyone was becoming a little too comfortable. I found myself glaring at the sight and the comforting sensation from the pills wasn't helping. In fact, I wasn't feeling better at all.

I started to make my way back to my bedroom when I started to feel faint. I leaned up against the wall and closed my eyes, willing myself not to throw up.

"Excuse me?" a voice came from right in front of my face and my eyes flew open. There was a woman with dark brown hair with bangs, and perfectly plucked eyebrows gazing down at me in concern. "Are you alright?"

I glanced up at her as I swayed from side to side.

 _Was she wearing a dress?_

"I just need to lay down…" I felt like I could sleep right there in the hallway, but the woman placed a hand on my arm.

"Come with me." She started to pull me away from the wall. I thought I would fall, but she moved carefully. We came to a set of two large wooden doors and she pushed one open, escorting me inside. She led me to a big couch and I sat down and closed my eyes. My head lolled back and I passed out.

* * *

When I woke up again, that all too familiar headache was back and worse than ever before. How could that be the case? I had just taken the pills…

I opened my eyes to take in my surroundings. There was a glass table in front of me with a leafy plant—in fact, there were potted plants all over the huge room. It was decorated with all kinds of furniture including leather chairs and couches. I noticed a huge bed with a black wingback headboard, and covered in pillows of all sorts of colors, shapes and sizes. There was a huge chandelier on the ceiling, fancy lamps standing in the corners, and colorful artwork hanging on the walls. My eyes went to the wine rack off in the far corner of the room—I could see the wine glasses hanging up neatly on a stand.

And then my eyes went to the person standing above me—or rather, _the people._

Five women had gathered around me, and they were staring down in concern. I squinted up at them, trying to figure out if I was imagining this. They looked like actresses or models; all of them had perfect hair and form fitting, black dresses on. I glanced from each one and then realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

 _Wives._

It was something I learned about Negan before I even met him. Danny had first told me about it, and then Naomi had mentioned them. Although everyone had talked about it, I hadn't really thought they were real.

But here they were, looming over me with worried expressions. I sat up a bit and brought a hand up to my forehead.

"I'm fine," I said looking over to the brunette that had found me. "Thank you."

"See Tanya, she's gonna be okay." A red-headed woman smiled at the brunette, or Tanya.

Tanya smiled a bit at me.

"You scared us." She held out a glass of water towards me and I took it, chugging it down gratefully. The pain was somehow getting worse, and I was still trying to wrap my head around what was happening.

I was meeting his _wives._

"Where am I?" I asked, looking around.

"You're in the parlor room. It's where we stay," the redhead said, and she reached out a hand towards me. "I'm Frankie."

"Elle." I shook her hand and glanced around again. It didn't feel real.

"She doesn't care about our names," said a woman with the long blonde hair. "She probably just needs some space."

"I'm trying to be polite, Amber," Frankie said sternly. She smiled down at me. "Ignore her. She's moody."

"Well you can be polite without breathing down her neck," Amber retorted, walking over to the large bed with the pillows and flopping over onto it. Her feet flew up into the air and I noticed she was wearing heels. They all were.

"It's not Elle's fault you're all too curious for your own good," Amber added.

"I was just trying to help," Tanya explained. She moved across the room to sit on another couch as if to give me space, but her eyes were still locked on me.

The other wives dispersed throughout the room too, except for Frankie, who continued to stand before me. She seemed to be studying me, and it felt really awkward.

"You're that girl from the school, right?" she asked, sitting down next to me on the couch. I nodded, and rubbed at my arm, suddenly very aware of the bandages and scars.

"Yeah," I mumbled, bringing the glass back to my mouth and taking a sip.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to figure out how the hell I had gotten here. I didn't want to think about what happened with Caleb. I didn't want to be meeting these women under these circumstances.

"This is a nice place," I mumbled, hoping to change the subject.

"Negan gets the best for his girls," Amber replied from where she was on the bed.

"Are you guys… forced?" The word wasn't eloquent, but it just spilled out of my mouth. I couldn't understand why he needed so many women. "I mean… Did he make you…"

"Marry him?" Amber asked, finishing my sentence for me. "No, he didn't make us."

"He added some incentives so we'd be more willing," Frankie explained. She fidgeted and played with the hem of her dress.

It felt wrong.

 _All of this felt so fucking wrong._

"You're not being held against your will?" I asked, glancing over to where Tanya was staring at the floor. They had all seemed so friendly, and now they were avoiding my gaze.

"Negan's helped us all out in some way. We're here because we want to be." Frankie finally spoke.

"Doesn't look that way to me," I muttered, sitting up and setting the glass down on the table.

"There are people who have it much worse than us. We're the lucky ones." She smiled a bit at me.

I didn't know what to say.

My relationship with Negan had changed drastically since our first kiss, and then Caleb happened. I had been at this factory for weeks, and this was the first time I was seeing any of these women. Did he keep them locked up? Were they allowed to even leave the room? They had to be—Tanya had found me out in the hall.

Still, I felt uneasy and slowly stood up from the couch. My head throbbed and my legs were shaky, but I needed to get out of this room.

"Thanks for helping me, but I'm good. I just need to go lay down."

 _Preferably in a room that's not filled with the wives of a man I've been kissing._

"I'll walk you back," Tayna said, getting up. I shook my head and the movement made me feel dizzy.

"No, it's okay. Thank you. I'll be alright." I smiled at her, trying to be reassuring and then headed for the doors.

"Oh, Elle?" Frankie's voice made me freeze, and I turned to look at her.

"I used to be a massage therapist, so if Negan's okay with it, I can give you a massage. It might help with all the stress."

"Okay…" I nodded at her, and tried my best to smile. I wanted to vomit. It was such a nice offer, but their kindness was somehow making this so much worse.

I left without another word and started to head back to my bedroom. I needed to try and sleep it off.

But as I walked, I kept thinking back to his wives. I couldn't get my mind off them.

They were all wearing dresses and heels. Did Negan make them do that? Did he lock them up in that room? They looked like they were trapped to me. The more I thought about them, the more pissed off I became.

He had been trying to get me to stay here, and was clearly attracted to me. Was he planning on asking me to become one of his wives? He probably had, if Caleb hadn't carved me up. I had felt so insecure sitting among such attractive women, while I looked worse than the walkers outside.

 _Why did he need me if he had them?_

I didn't know if he was home or not, but I knew right then and there that I needed to talk to him. Instead of heading to my bedroom, I turned and made my way back down the hall. I glared ahead and tried to ignore the intense pain that was branching out in my head. I couldn't stay in this factory one more night.

It was time to go home.

I barged into Negan's room without warning. He was laying on top of his bed with his legs stretched out. As soon as the door opened, his hand went to his bat that was leaning up against his bed.

"I need to talk to you." I slammed the door shut behind me and stood there glaring across the room at him.

"I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing right now-"

"You're going to let us go back to Doveport. Tonight." It wasn't a request.

Negan swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up, regarding me with narrowed eyes.

"Absolutely not." His tone was stern, and I wanted to throw something at him.

"Why?" I yelled.

"You're not completely healed. Besides, your friends seem to like it here. Maybe we should have a vote? Didn't you say you guys run on a democracy?"

"Fuck you, Negan!" My head felt fuzzy, but I ignored it.

"I'm not taking you back to that shitty ass school," Negan said. My vision was becoming hazy, but I blinked a few times, trying to concentrate on the man in front of me.

"I can't live here," I affirmed, shaking my head. "I'm not gonna wear a fucking dress or become a part of your little harem."

"Careful, Elle." Negan's voice was low as he stood up from the bed. "I don't appreciate your tone."

"I don't appreciate the fact you have a room filled with women who you call your _WIVES_!" I was shouting, and it was making me even more nauseous than I already was. "I didn't want to believe it was true, but it is. You have five fucking wives. _Five_."

"I can count." Negan walked across to the room and reached out to touch my arm.

"Don't touch me." I winced and took a step back. Negan didn't pursue me, but let out a sigh.

"I'm not a one woman kind of guy."

 _That's your idea of an excuse?!_

"You're disgusting," I scoffed and shook my head.

Negan's eyes narrowed at me.

"I'm honest. I like women. Why eat the same meal every day when you can enjoy the entire buffet?"

 _"WE'RE NOT FOOD!"_ I shouted, and my brain pulsed as I yelled. I saw black spots start to form over my vision and I placed a hand onto the back of the nearby chair to steady myself.

I took a few breaths, desperately trying to make myself feel better. Something was wrong, but I needed to win this argument.

"We're going home. Today." My heart started to race, but I looked up and met his gaze.

"That's not happening," he said. His indifference to my anger and outburst was infuriating.

"Negan, I-"

I stopped mid-sentence. My tongue wouldn't move and my jaw felt lax. In a single instant, my brain turned to mush and my knees buckled beneath me. Negan's mocking expression changed to one of concern, and I dropped to the ground.

I couldn't breathe. It was like I was underwater—Negan's voice was muffled and far away as if the sound was being sucked out of the room. I couldn't feel it, but I was vaguely aware that my entire body was jerking.

Negan was next to me on the ground and held my head as I continued to shake. I was aware that he was there, but I couldn't see him. It was like my brain had disconnected and I had lost all control. Soon my vision started to fade—a black ink spilled across my eyes, bleeding inward, until everything went black.


	24. Chapter 24: Choices

When I came to, my head was throbbing and my muscles felt tight and tense. I didn't sit up right away, and instead opened my eyes to stare up at the ceiling above me. It was vaguely familiar. As I slowly turned my head, I realized I was in Negan's room—in Negan's bed, but I had no idea how I had gotten there.

My whole body felt like it was still asleep, and I tried to stretch my limbs. The movement made me feel even more sore, and I whimpered.

"Well look who's awake."

My neck twisted so I could look across the room. Negan was sitting on the love-seat and watching me with a stern expression. I swallowed and my throat felt very dry.

"Can I have some water?" I asked. My voice was very hoarse.

"Sure, there's some on the night stand next to you. Do you want these too?" He picked something up from the little table in front of him and tossed it towards me. It landed on the bed with a rattle.

 _The pills._

I closed my eyes and tried to remember how I ended up here. I had been yelling at Negan about something…

 _His wives._

I had met his _wives._

I had wanted to go home, and I had been angry at him.

The rest was a blur.

"What happened?" I asked, slowly sitting up. I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I reached over to the nightstand and picked up the glass of water and gulped it down. My eyes went to the medication, but I didn't grab it because Negan's gaze was completely fixated on me.

"Carson thinks you had a seizure."

 _A seizure?_

I had never had a seizure before, but I could barely remember anything other than my argument with Negan. It made sense though. If I had seized, then I would have fallen down. It was why my body was hurting. I tried to recall when it happened, but my mind was drawing blanks. It didn't help that Negan wouldn't stop staring at me.

"How long have I been out?" I reached up to rub my eyes. That familiar headache was as intense as ever.

"A couple hours. Why don't you take some pills to help with that pain?"

There was something in this tone, like a thin line of sarcasm and condescension. I furrowed my brow at him, and then my eyes went to the little table in front of him. Two more familiar white bottles were sitting on top of it.

I closed my eyes and let out a long breath. They were the three bottles I had stolen from Carson's office. I tried to calm my nerves, but I was growing more anxious by the second.

"Need another fix?" Negan taunted, picking up another bottle and tossing it onto the bed. "I wasn't sure how many you'd need, seeing as you're going through them like fucking candy."

I didn't know what to say. I had been so fixated on getting my pills and not feeling anything that I hadn't factored in getting caught. Part of me wanted to fire back at him and try to explain the extra drug usage, but the throbbing pain in my skull prevented me from opening my mouth. And even as Negan stared at me from across the room with disapproval on his face, I wanted so badly to reach over to one of the bottles laying on the mattress and open it. As he continued to speak, I picked up one of the little, white canisters.

"Carson said some meds went missing and told me all about how you came to him asking for more pills. After you collapsed like some kind of fucking human vibrator, I had my men search your room, and sure as shit, the three missing bottles were in your fucking pillow case."

He picked up the last bottle from the table and tossed it onto the bed. It pattered next to the other one, and I winced at the sound.

"Your little addiction triggered the seizure. You were spasming on my floor for almost a full minute. Carson said it could have caused brain damage. I've been waiting for you to wake up to find out if you were a fucking vegetable or not."

My heart was pounding in my ears as he spoke. I felt like I was going to throw up at what he was saying.

 _I had overdosed on the pills._

He stood up from the love-seat and walked over to the bed to peer down at me.

"I can see the way you're looking at them. Go on. Take them. I know you want to." He placed his hands on the mattress and leaned over so his face was near mine. "Don't worry I'll take care of your people, even after you've killed yourself."

I closed my eyes again and wanted him to disappear. My wish was granted when I heard him leave the room.

I wished I could fall asleep. My head pulsed and I my eyes watered. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't rest. I shifted a bit under the blankets, making the pill bottles rattle, and looked down at the one in my hand. I tried to ignore their call, but I knew if I wanted to feel okay, I needed them.

I opened the bottle and swallowed down two pills.

Leaning back against the pillow, I felt my heart rate slow, and I smiled as I started to finally relax and drift to sleep.

* * *

I woke up a few hours later to find I was alone in Negan's room. I was relieved to see Negan wasn't there—I didn't need him to scrutinize me. I had clearly made a mistake taking too many pills, but I just wouldn't do that anymore.

I picked up the pill bottles from the bed and carried them over to the door and turned the knob—or I tried to. My effort was in vain, and the door would not open.

I pulled on it a few times and then banged my fist against the door.

"Hello?" I called out. The door was locked from the other side.

 _He had locked me in._

I shook the knob a little more desperately and then began hitting the wood with my fist, calling out. Panic set in and I raised my voice.

"Please! Let me out of here!"

There was something about Negan's room that made me feel claustrophobic in the moment. The idea of being trapped inside had me hitting the door again and again, hoping anyone would hear that I was trapped inside.

Finally I heard the sound of the door unlocking and I took a step back. It flew open and Negan was standing there with a steely expression. I went to walk by him, but he blocked my way and instead took a step into the room.

"You need to keep it the fuck down!" He pulled the door shut as he entered, closing me in with him.

"I want to leave," I said sternly. The pill bottles were still in my hands.

Negan's eyes went to the little canisters and he frowned. I could already feel the lecture coming on, and I really didn't want to hear it.

"You're not going anywhere because I can't fucking trust you. You stole meds, and that's a big ass no-no. So until you get your act together, you can stay here. Either use this little opportunity as a personal rehab treatment, or you can keep poppin' pills until it kills you. Looks like you're choosing the latter." He gestured to the canisters in my hands.

He was being condescending, and both his tone and the fact he was telling me I was locked in here regardless made me see red.

"You can't be serious!" I shouted, glaring at him. "I'm not staying in here, Negan!"

"I am serious, and you fucking are. But don't worry. You can hang onto the pills. I know how bad you need them." He turned to leave the room and I lost it.

"You're gonna keep me locked up in here like some kind of fucking prisoner?!" I threw one of the pills bottles and it hit the wall next to his head. He turned and I could see fire in his eyes, but I was too far gone to care.

"Don't-" Negan went to scold me, but I continued yelling.

"I guess you're getting what you wanted, Negan. Oh I bet you _LOOOOOVE_ this!" I threw another bottle at him and it rattled against the wall. He hadn't even flinched as it whipped past his head.

"You finally have me where you want me! Gonna bend me over your bed like you said? Or are you gonna pin me down like AJ?"

I went to throw the last bottle, but he closed the distance and grabbed my wrist that was held up in the air. I was seething, and he was just as angry at my reaction. I didn't care.

"You think I'm gonna be thankful for this? You have ruined my life. Things were _FINE_ until you showed up. I have lost _EVERYTHING_ because of you."

The words were shooting out like arrows, and I didn't care how sharp they were. In fact, I wanted them to hurt. Negan was peering down at me and holding my wrist tightly, but he wasn't saying anything, which just made me angrier.

" _YOU_ killed Seth. _YOU_ brought me here and AJ almost raped me. Adam was _YOUR_ man and he murdered Philip. And _YOU_ left me with Caleb. It's all _YOUR_ fault. _YOU_ have hurt me worse than all of them combined."

I shook my head in disgust and took a step back from him. He was still gripping my wrist and the pill bottle was still in my balled up hand.

 _"I hate you."_

If my words were affecting him, it didn't show. His expression remained grim and he just stared at me. I wanted him to react. I wanted him to shout and yell too, but he didn't. Instead he let go of my wrist and turned away from me to walk over to the door.

"You have a choice to make," he said with his back to me. His voice was void of emotion, and I squeezed the pill bottle in my hand.

No I didn't—I couldn't give up the meds. That was out of the question. How did I have a choice when all I wanted to do right then and there was go gather the other bottles that were now laying on his floor by the wall where I had flung them. I glared at him as he walked away from me.

"You can't do this!" I screamed as he pulled the door closed behind him. I ran over to it just in time to hear the lock click and the sounds of his footsteps walking away.

"NEGAN!" I shouted, as I banged against the door, but it was no use.

I was locked in.

* * *

Time felt as if it was moving slowly. Over the next couple of hours, I fought the urge to take the pain medication in an attempt to prove Negan wrong. The headache returned and felt like it was pulsing inside my skull. I couldn't sit still and found myself pacing the room. I spent a bit of time looking out the window at the Sanctuary's patrolling guards and the walkers at the fence, but I could hardly focus.

I _needed_ the pills.

But I was addicted—the single fact I felt an urge to take them was proof enough of that. My eyes kept glancing over at the little bottles where I had placed them on Negan's nightstand. I was curled up on the love-seat, where I had gone to try and put some distance from myself and the medication.

 _Just one more dose…_

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, pleading with an unknown force to end the aches and pains. I just wanted to feel like myself again, but I was afraid that person was long dead.

I knew there were only two options—Negan was right. I did have a choice. I could give up the pills or just give up all together.

 _"It would be really easy…"_ Adam appeared sitting across from me in one of Negan's box chairs. Bits of bloodied flesh slid off the slide of his face as he spoke. _"Swallow a few more pills than you're used to, and you can drift right off to sleep."_

It was tempting.

I felt so exhausted, and going to sleep without having to wake up sounded pretty good right about then. I glanced over at the bottles and wondered how that would go down. I would turn into a walker, that was a given. Negan would come back to check on me and find me as a living corpse.

Would he be sad?

Would he even care?

Adam had already disappeared, and I tried to calm my breathing that had picked up.

 _Was I really laying here debating killing myself?_

I didn't have to commit suicide to make the pain stop. I could just take the recommended dose. That wouldn't hurt anyone. I would just go back to taking the medication the way Carson had directed me to. Then things could go back to normal.

Making a decision, I stood up on wobbly legs and walked over to the nightstand. I picked up one of the bottles and removed the lid, pouring two capsules out just as the door unlocked.

I turned to see it was Amy entering the room. Her eyes went to the pills in my open hand and she became distraught. The sight of her took me off guard, and I set the pills down on top of the nightstand. Before I could greet her, she spoke.

"I didn't think it was this bad."

She continued to stare at the capsules that were now laying on the little wooden shelf.

"You have to let me out of here, Amy. Negan is keeping me as his prisoner," I said, standing up from the bed.

"I can't." Amy's voice sounded strained, as if she was fighting the urge to cry.

"Of course you can!" I smiled at her. "We don't have to stay here anymore. We can go home."

Her bottom lip was quivering, and she averted her eyes.

"Elle, I'm the one who told Negan to keep you here and put a lock on the door."

I felt like the wind was being knocked out of me.

"What?" My smile faded and I stared at her confused. It had been her idea? Why? I didn't understand.

"You haven't been yourself for weeks. You've been avoiding all of us… You've shut me out. I knew something was wrong, but you wouldn't talk to me. About anything!" She started to cry, and any other time the sight would have broken my heart, but I was too busy soaking in what she was saying. This wasn't all Negan's doing.

 _How could she betray me like this?_

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" she asked between sobs.

My eyes went to the pills on the nightstand and I stood there an emotionless shell.

"I've been through hell, Amy. They help me cope." My voice was cold.

"Negan told me about the seizure, Elle. You could have died! Is that what you want? To die?!"

I couldn't answer her. I wasn't really sure if I did or not.

My lack of a response made her cry even harder. She brought her hands up to cover her face as she wept.

"Amy, you don't get it. You weren't there when Caleb was pinning me down and cutting into my skin. You didn't beat a man to death with a fucking baseball bat. I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind!" My voice continued to raise, and I clenched my fists in frustration. "I see them, Amy. Adam, Caleb, AJ, Phil." Her eyes widened at the mention of our friend's name. "They're everywhere. They follow me, and I can't get them to shut the hell up!"

Amy grew quiet as she studied me, with tears still rolling down her cheeks. I wanted so badly to take the pills off the nightstand and down them, but I knew I couldn't. Not while she was in the room with me.

"It's the meds, Elle. They're making you hallucinate." She noticed my attention was on them and she took a step towards me, and then stopped.

"No, it's not. They help. You don't get it. Negan doesn't get it. None of you fucking get it! You don't understand what I'm going through." I was shaking my head as I spoke.

"You weren't the only one trapped in that school, Elle," Amy pointed out. "I might not have been cut up, and I'm really sorry that happened to you, but it was horrible for all of us. Eric was almost beaten to death, but he's not addicted to pain medication."

"Eric has a reason to live," I replied sharply, my eyes going to her extended stomach.

"And you don't?" she asked with a deep frown.

I looked away from her. I couldn't come up with a reason to keep going. I was completely broken, and I couldn't imagine a future where I could be fixed.

"I don't really care if I live or die anymore," I said, indifference thick in my voice.

Amy looked up at the ceiling as if she was trying to think of something to say. I reached over to take the pills off the nightstand, suddenly not caring if she saw me take them or not. I didn't need to stand here and suffer while we argued.

"It's the meds talking, Elle." Her voice made me freeze right before I picked up the little capsules. "You have a choice to make, and I'm rooting for you. We all are."

 _A choice._

Negan had said the same thing. It was almost as if they had planned these little speeches. I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. She was wrong. I didn't have a fucking choice.

"You might not care if you live or die, but I do. I need you. Your family needs you." Amy added. She walked across the room and I swiped up the pills and the bottle quick to hold them in my hand, thinking she was going to try and take them away from me. Instead, she placed a piece of paper on the nightstand where the pills had been before.

" _She_ needs you."

With that, Amy turned and exited the room. I watched as she closed the door and heard the sound of the lock.

Amy didn't get it. None of them did. None of them knew what I had been through.

My heart was pounding and my head was throbbing. The tiny pills in my hand somehow felt heavy. I went to bring them to my mouth when my eyes looked down at the folded piece of paper.

I set the pills back onto the nightstand and picked it up. I opened it carefully and stared down at the page for a long time.

It was mostly black with little white curves and lines to show the shape. There were all sorts of numbers and letters at the top, but I was completely focused on what was in the center. I could see the head and body, and a little foot sticking up.

 _It was the ultrasound picture of Amy's baby._

I hadn't even realized I was crying until the tear drops fell onto the paper. I turned my head to make sure I wouldn't get any more on the page and brought it up to my chest clutching it to me as I started to sob.

I had been in denial up until this moment, but it was seeing this that made me realize just how bad things had gotten. I had disappointed my friends. Amy, Eric, and the other Doveporters were all I had left. I had been so focused on myself and my demons that I had forgotten about the people I loved—people who cared about me—people I was hurting because I was hurting myself.

I was supposed to be their leader. I was supposed to be strong, and here I was, addicted to pain medication and contemplating suicide.

I continued to cry and clutch the ultrasound close to my heart.

I was a mess, but I wasn't dead yet.

I still had a choice.

* * *

Negan came into the bedroom an hour later with his bat slung over his shoulder. I was slumped onto the floor with my back against the baseboard of the bed and my legs pulled up. The ultrasound picture was sitting on top of my knees and I was studying it, using it as an anchor—something to keep me from looking over at the bottles and pills that were now sitting on his nightstand, untouched. He didn't say anything and just stared down at me.

"Please take them away. I can't do this if they're here." I didn't look up from the photo, but he knew what I was referring to.

I heard the rattle of the pills as he picked them up.

"Good choice." He gathered all of it and then left the room.

I closed my eyes and exhaled, knowing I had just given up my crutch. But they were harming me, and I needed to get better—not just for Amy and the others, but for myself. I had to fight through this if I was going to survive.

I needed to be there to see Vivienne's garden succeed.

I needed to be there to see Eric fully heal.

I needed to be there when the baby came.

The pills weren't an option anymore.

 _I was choosing my family._


	25. Chapter 25: Old Wounds

I was still sitting on the floor against the bed when Negan came back in after taking the pills away. The ultrasound picture was still on my knees, and I was still hyper-fixated on it.

"It's time for bed," he said, setting his bat down on one of the chairs. My eyes went to the big industrial windows and noticed the sun had gone down and it was late into the night. I slowly got to my feet while clutching the photo in my hand, and I started to make my way over to his love-seat.

"You're not sleeping over there." He pulled back the covers as he spoke. "It's a king size bed. I could have a fucking orgy and you'd still have your own half of the mattress."

I would have scoffed at his dirty remark, but I was so dizzy and nauseous—I felt like I was going to puke my guts up. So I didn't argue and rounded the bed, climbing onto it carefully. I placed the photo on the nightstand next to my side of the bed facing up so I could look at it any time I wanted.

I watched as Negan took off his jacket, and then his belts. Sitting down on the edge of the mattress, he kicked off his boots and slid his pants off. He draped his clothes over the back of the chair that Lucille was resting, and then he was only wearing his t-shirt and boxers.

Negan's eyes met mine and I looked away feeling sheepish. I had been ogling him and hadn't even realized I was doing it. He grunted in amusement and then pulled his t-shirt over his head. I couldn't help myself—turning back to get a glimpse, I saw Negan's bare chest for the first time. He was covered in multiple tattoos and I gawked at them in silence. I hadn't expected him to have them, but then my eyes went to the salt and pepper hair that was sprinkled across his chest and trailed all the way down, disappearing into his boxers.

Negan cleared his throat and I looked back up to his face. He was smirking at me and I felt my cheeks heat up. I was already feeling so warm, and none of this was helping.

"You gonna keep eye-fucking me?" he asked with a grin.

I quickly turned my attention to the blankets, pulling them up towards me. Sure I was warm, but I wanted to crawl under them and hide. He kicked his legs up so he was laying against the pillows next to me and I froze.

 _He expected me to sleep next to him?_

The first time I had spent a night in his bed, he hadn't joined me. Now we were supposed to share the space, and I wasn't really sure if I was okay with that.

As if reading my thoughts, or perhaps seeing the look of uneasiness on my face, Negan exhaled and turned so his back was facing me. He reached up and turned off the little lamp that was sitting on his bedside table.

"Trust me, it's a lot fucking better than sleeping on that couch. And you know I won't try anything," he assured.

"I know," I mumbled, laying down against the pillow and staring at where he was next to me, trying to see him in the dark. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. It was a bit more complicated than that.

"Then relax." He shifted a bit as if trying to get comfortable.

I didn't respond and I tried to calm my breathing. It wasn't just laying next to Negan, but I was also craving the pills worse than ever. My mind kept picturing the little capsules, and I would have given anything for even half a dose.

I don't remember crashing, but I passed out at some point. I was in a deep sleep when suddenly I felt a hand covering my mouth. My eyes widened as someone pressed up against me and my shirt was pulled away from my body. I sat up fast and tried to shout, but the hand stifled it.

 _"You better shut your mouth, bitch."_

It was A.J., and he had a sick smile spread across his face. I looked up at him with frantic eyes as he pushed me back onto the bed. When I tried to get away, he pinned me down hard. I shoved against him with all my might, but he wouldn't budge.

He kissed my neck and I started to cry. I was trapped underneath him and watched in horror as he began to unbuckle his belt. He leaned over me and forced his mouth on mine. I felt his tongue probe past my lips, and I desperately grabbed at the bed-sheets, trying to get away. Then my hands went to my side where my knife had been—but it wasn't there. I desperately patted all around my hip and leg, but there was no sign of it.

I was defenseless against him.

He grinned wide over me, his hands going to my breasts and I screamed for help. My eyes squeezed shut and I yelled as loud as I could. I could see light through my eyelids, but I continued to flail. My hands finally felt my attacker, and my nails stabbed into his skin.

"Fuck!" a booming voice roared, and I dug my fingernails in deeper. My eyes flew open to see Negan was sitting over me—my hands were gripping his bare arms—my nails were jabbing into his skin. I slowly pulled away and he exhaled as I released him from my sharp grasp.

Negan was staring down at me with a look of a concern. I stared at the marks on his arms where my nails had been just as the bedroom door opened.

"Is everything okay?" I looked past Negan to see Naomi had entered the room, a look of concern on her face as she regarded me. "I heard shouting."

"She's fine. Go back to your post," Negan ordered in a cold voice. Naomi nodded and our eyes locked, but I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say or why she was there. She exited the room without another word.

"You wanna tell me what the fuck just happened?" Negan demanded.

"I- I don't know…" I stuttered out, reaching up to my forehead. It was drenched in sweat. "I think I had a nightmare." My heart was pounding and I continued to look around the room as if someone was going to jump out and attack me.

Then I remembered—it all came flooding back at once. I closed my eyes and brought my hand to my face to cover my eyes.

"A.J.," I whispered, taking a deep breath. "He was on top of me and…" I trailed off and shuddered.

It had felt so _real._

"He can't hurt you anymore," Negan assured me. I nodded at his words and then my mind went to the one thing I'd been obsessing over.

"The pills helped… with the nightmares…" I explained, looking away from him as I spoke. "Maybe if I just had the normal dose, I could-"

"Forget it. You're not taking any more of that shit." Negan rolled onto his side and turned off the lamp, ridding the room of light once more.

I opened my mouth to argue, but then shut it and let out a frustrated sigh. I laid back onto my pillow and tried to calm down.

I knew he was right, but as I stared up at the ceiling in the dark room, I anxiously waited for another one of my monsters to pounce.

* * *

I woke up the next day and the room was illuminated by sunlight. I sat up and looked to the spot next to me to discover Negan was gone. With a quick glance around the room, I found he wasn't there, and I let out a long yawn. My vision was foggy from sleep, and I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wake up and gauge how shitty I felt. The headache was ever present, and I groaned while I rubbed my temples.

Just as soon as I made the noise, I heard the door unlock and open. I turned to see Naomi was peeking her head in.

"Good morning!" she greeted me with a sing-song voice, and leaned against the open door. "Sleep well?"

"Negan snores," I grumbled. Naomi grinned wide and ran a hand through her short blonde hair.

"Tell me about it. I can hear it through the damn door." I frowned at her words and she noticed. "I'm on guard duty. I volunteered. Hope that's okay. It's my job to bring you to the bathroom whenever you need it. I thought this might be easier to see a familiar face instead of some stranger."

I smiled at her a little bit. So not only was I locked up, but I had someone guarding my cage. _Great._ At least it was Naomi.

"I could use a shower," I muttered, standing up. My legs were like jelly, and I placed a hand on the mattress to steady my balance. I felt like I had the worst hangover of my life.

I walked over to where Naomi was holding the door open for me and she gestured to the hallway.

"Now don't try anything, okay? Negan said he'd have my ass if I let you go anywhere other than the bathroom." She started to walk with me down the hallway and pointed to a little room right off the side of Negan's.

"I won't. I promise." I was being absolutely sincere. I needed to get better, and I wasn't going to throw away the little bit of trust Negan was still giving me. Going through withdrawal was already hard enough and I needed to wash my sweat stained skin before I crawled out of it.

We headed into a bathroom I had never been to before; it had a personal shower, a small toilet to the side and a fairly large sink. The whole room looked like it belonged in a hotel.

"This is Negan's bathroom. He said you're allowed to use it whenever you want. There's soap in the cupboard, and towels on the counter. I'll be right outside if you need anything." Naomi pointed everything out quickly and then went to leave. I stood there in a daze, trying to take everything in. Before she shut the door, I turned to her.

"Thanks, Naomi," I said. She winked and pulled the door closed.

I faced the room again and my eye caught something off to the side. It was my reflection, and as I faced myself in the mirror, I took a deep breath.

There were bags underneath my red eyes, and my sweat drenched hair was sticking to my forehead. I may have felt hungover, but I looked the part too.

Averting my eyes quickly from the mirror, I opened the cupboard to find all sorts of toiletries. Tiny little bottles of shampoo and conditioner laid inside, and I took one of each. There was a bar of white soap that I grabbed out too, and then I opened another drawer to find a washcloth. There was a large, grey, fluffy towel neatly folded on the counter that I took, and then I gathered up all my supplies and pulled back the shower curtain.

The shower was simple, but fairly huge. On the shelves were two large bottles of shampoo and conditioner, which I could only assume were Negan's. A bar of soap was already sitting against the jagged edges of the shower's shelf, and I looked down at my supplies and wondered if I should have just used his stuff.

Deciding I wanted my own, I set the bottles and bar of soap down on the showers ledge, and then turned on the faucet. The water blasted out of the shower-head and started off ice cold, but soon heated up. I smiled as my hand felt the temperature.

I undressed quickly and tried not to look at my reflection as I did so. I still had a couple bandages on, but Carson had said it was okay to get them wet. I would have to be careful with the one on my neck, but I had been dealing with it for weeks, and I knew the drill.

Once naked, I stepped under the water and let out a content sigh. My tense muscles immediately relaxed and I turned to allow the water to run down my hair and back. It felt like heaven. I knew the euphoric feeling would be fleeting and soon I'd be back to a constant state of dizziness and nausea.

I had already applied and rinsed out the shampoo and was about to grab the conditioner when I became curious about Negan's bottles. Opening his shampoo, I sniffed the liquid soap. It smelled like him—like his hair. I smiled to myself and set the bottle down, closing it.

It smelled nice. _Negan_ smelled nice.

I finished in the shower and turned off the water. Grabbing the towel, I dried off and then wrapped it around me. I was just about to pick up my old clothes when a knock came at the door.

"Are you decent?" Naomi asked, opening the door partially.

I glanced down at myself, but then shrugged.

"I suppose," I said with a half-laugh.

Naomi came in and was holding something in her hands that she set down on the counter next to me.

"I totally forgot, sorry. It's new clothes. We washed some of your old ones."

"Thanks." I stared down at my jeans and a familiar white tank top.

"I'll take care of the dirty ones. You just put these on and then you've gotta go back to the room." She gave me an empathetic look and I nodded at her. I may have felt like a prisoner before, but I couldn't complain about the treatment. Naomi was going above and beyond to be kind to me.

Once I was dressed, I faced myself in the mirror. I still looked like an exhausted, recovering drug addict, but at least I felt clean.

I followed Naomi back to Negan's room with the towel wrapped around my hair. I walked ahead of her and then spun around once inside his bedroom. She looked uneasy, and before I could thank her, she spoke.

"Umm… Elle?" she asked, as if unsure.

I tilted my head and waited for her to continue.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what happened… with A.J. I shouldn't have left you alone the first time you came here. I knew he was an asshole, but I had no idea he was going to do something like that. I totally understand if you hate me for it."

"I don't hate you," I said quickly and she nodded, but continued to frown.

"And maybe if I had shot Caleb, he wouldn't have cut your throat. Hell, if I hadn't fucked up and left you with A.J. maybe you would have stayed here with us and you'd be okay."

"It's not your fault, Naomi." I took a few steps towards her and placed my hand on her arm reassuringly. "I'm alive. That's what matters. I'm gonna be okay."

She didn't seem so sure. She glanced over me, at my bandages and smiled thinly.

"I know you will, but I'm still really sorry."

I squeezed her arm and she reached out to pat mine. She backed up and took the door into her hands, and before shutting it, stopped.

"If you need anything, just holler. I'm right outside."

I nodded at her and watched as she pulled the door closed and then the lock clicked.

I wondered if she was right about what she had said—about me being okay if I had stayed at the Sanctuary the first time. Negan had wanted that. If A.J. hadn't tried to hurt me, I wasn't sure if I would have stayed. I was always so focused on getting back to Doveport, but Doveport was where Caleb happened.

If I had stayed at the Sanctuary, would Caleb have still happened?

What if it had been Amy instead of me? Or Vivienne?

I shuddered at the thought, and tried not to think about it.

There was no point in thinking about the what-ifs.

I looked around the big room and sighed.

I needed to find something to do. I certainly wouldn't be going anywhere for a long time.

* * *

The first couple days were brutal. I tried to sleep through it as much as I could, but most of the time I felt like my brain was on fire and my stomach was trying to do somersaults. I couldn't sit still, and all I could think about were the pills. I could picture them in my mind every time I closed my eyes, and I became obsessed. I'd often ask Negan if he'd just let me have a single dose, but he'd shut that idea down immediately.

I became increasingly irritated with him, but it really didn't seem to bother him at first. We laid next to one another at night, and I rarely slept. I listened to the sound of his breathing and glared up at the ceiling, bitter that I couldn't sleep and he could.

When I wasn't in too much pain, I tried to read. Negan left me books on the little coffee table in his room, and I did my best to try and escape into them every day. If I wasn't reading, I explored Negan's room, and went through his stuff. Unfortunately, every drawer was locked and all I had to study were mounted animal heads and the rest of his gaudy decorations.

Negan continued to do business as usual. He came and went freely from the room, but I mostly saw him in the evenings. As the days passed, he spent more and more time working from his love-seat. We barely said a word to one another; I was always in a sour mood with my withdrawal and he seemed preoccupied with other matters.

One day, I was laying on top of the comforter trying to ignore the aches in my joints when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" Negan called, setting down his notebook on the table in front of him. I watched as one of his men entered the room and sat down in a chair. I didn't know the guy's name, but I had seen him a few times in the last few days. Negan and him were working on trying to get another settlement to submit, and I was getting sick of hearing about it. I wanted peace and quiet; I tried to ignore them, but Negan was loud and animated as usual. It drove me insane that he wouldn't have these conversations elsewhere and let me recover in peace.

"I'm not sure they'll listen to me, sir," the Savior said in a nervous voice.

"Fuckin' hell man, can your dick get any smaller?" Negan leaned back on the love-seat and narrowed his eyes at the man. He went to speak again, but I cut him off from across the room.

"Probably bigger than yours," I deadpanned.

Both of their heads turned towards me and Negan's scowl was now aimed at me.

"You sure you aren't supposed to be in the goddamn inner circle? Because you sure as shit seem to think it's okay to tell me how to run the fuckin' show around here." He sounded amused, but I could tell my interruption had gotten under his skin.

"Pfff, please. My balls would have to be a lot smaller to be in your inner circle." I laid my head back on the pillow so I was no longer looking at him.

"Says the girl who looks like a fuckin' Freddy Kruger victim." Negan fired back and I could hear the bite in his tone. "And not one of the good characters either. Like the one that dies within the first five fucking minutes of the movie because they're that stupid."

He was trying to hurt me by bringing up my scars, but it just pissed me off even more.

"At least I don't carry around a baseball bat covered in barbed wire and expect people to take me seriously. Overcompensating for something, Negan?"

I could have sworn I heard him growl.

"Shut the fuck up and pipe out," he snarled.

"Stop having your meetings in your bedroom!" I sat up and glared at him.

"I can have my meetings wherever I damn well like!" He stood up and walked over to the bed pointing a finger at me. The Savior behind him almost seemed to shrink down in the chair, but I hardly noticed him. My head was throbbing and I wanted to push Negan more.

And I wasn't afraid of him like they were.

"I don't wanna hear about all the communities you've been terrorizing!" I yelled.

Negan didn't respond right away, but his jaw was clenched tight. After staring down at me with a hard expression, he turned to look at the Savior sitting behind him.

"You're dismissed," he muttered. The man stood and exited the room. Negan hadn't been locking the door when he was inside with me, unless it was nighttime. I assumed he was spending time in his room to allow Naomi to get some rest. I would have bet anything he was regretting that right about then.

When it was just the two of us, he took a few steps towards me and leaned over the bed.

"Your rehab is gonna involve getting your mouth taped shut real fucking soon if you don't learn to keep it closed."

I let out a sarcastic laugh and got out of the bed, rounding it to approach him.

I decided to turn the tables and got into his personal space for once. I leaned in close and tilted my head up to look at him. "Go ahead and tape my mouth shut! While you're at it, tape over my ears too! That way I don't have to hear the colossal amount of bullshit you've been spewing out your blow-hole."

I was poking the bear; I had been bored and cranky, but Negan's expression was so dark that I regretted that decision almost as soon as the words left my lips.

Just as he started to chew me out, I noticed something move behind him. My anger turned to fear, and my jaw dropped.

Caleb was covered in cuts that were dripping blood, and his skin was pale white. He slowly started to approach Negan and me, and I staggered backwards.

 _"Let's open some old wounds. Sound good, Elle?"_ He seemed so real—and the sight of him made me even more nauseous than I already was.

As he neared me, I reached over to Negan's nightstand and grabbed a lamp. In one fast motion, I threw it at Caleb, but it missed and shattered against the wall. In an instant, he was on top of me, wielding a knife. I screamed as he started to drag the blade across my chest, and I closed my eyes tight as pain erupted throughout my entire body.

I thrashed frantically, trying to get him off me. I started to sob and fought with all my might.

"HELP! SOMEONE, PLEASE! HELP ME!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs and Caleb chuckled.

 _"They can't help you."_

The next thing I knew, my arms were being pinned down on either side against the floor. I tried to pull away, but it was no use.

"HELP!" I shrieked, kicking my legs and moving my head side to side.

"ELLE!" A distraught voice made my eyelids snap open and I saw Negan was with me on the floor, holding me down. He seemed perturbed, and behind him Naomi was watching with a frightened look.

"Take a deep breath," he instructed, and I did as he said. My chest was rising and falling fast and I kept my eyes glued to him. After a few long seconds, my breathing calmed down. Negan looked startled—any other time I would have thought the sight was amusing, but his worried face made me feel even more scared than the ghosts I'd been seeing.

"I saw Caleb," I whispered.

"Caleb is dead, Elle."

I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"Not to me."

Suddenly our petty fight seemed pointless—both of us had been shaken up by my panicked reaction. His grip on my arms loosened and I sat up in a daze. A quick glance around the room proved Caleb was no longer there, and I watched as Naomi cleaned up the broken pieces of the lamp. She left the room and I closed my eyes as I felt more tears start to come.

"What's wrong with me?" I choked out with a sob.

Negan didn't answer me and instead stood. He reached out his hand to help me up, and I accepted it and allowed him to help me to my feet.

"It's late," he mumbled, looking apprehensive, as if he expected me to freak out again. "We should try and get some rest."

I wiped at my eyes and then nodded slowly. I didn't understand. Amy had said the hallucinations were happening because of the drugs, but I hadn't taken any in days. These demons were still haunting me, and I felt like I'd never be free of them. They were inescapable.

I laid down and pressed my face against the soft pillow. Negan undressed and climbed into bed without saying anything else. After a long while, his breathing became even, and he started to lightly snore. I concentrated on finding my own slumber and tried to ignore the sick feeling that was building up. Eventually I drifted off to sleep, but it didn't last long.

A short while later, I woke up in the dark room with sweat dripping down my face. I had never been so warm in my entire life. I felt like I was suffocating underneath the thick comforter. I carefully moved the blankets off my body and winced as I felt the severe headache had returned.

The withdrawal was going to be painful—I knew that. But as my breathing picked up and I glanced around the room in a panic, all I could think about was Caleb, A.J., Adam, Philip and the pills. I couldn't sleep. I felt anxious and so exhausted, but no matter how hard I tried or what position I laid in, I couldn't get comfortable.

I trembled as a cold chill ran through my body. This was going to be my reality for a long time. I softly whimpered as my head pulsed and tears fell down my face.

Negan shifted in the bed and I froze. I didn't want to wake him up, and I tried to silence the sniffles, but the quiet room made every little noise seem so much louder.

Suddenly I felt his arm wrap around my body and start to pull me towards him.

My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest and my eyes widened as he moved to close the distance between us. He pressed his face into my hair that was damp with sweat and rubbed my arm up and down. I laid there as stiff as possible; my back was pressed up against his body and I held my breath.

I didn't know whether to pull away or just accept it—this kind of response from Negan was unexpected, and he had said he wouldn't try anything.

 _Wasn't this trying something?_

Suddenly, he pressed his lips against my temple with a gentle kiss, and then spoke in a soft voice.

"I'm here, Lucille."

 _Lucille?_

I immediately pictured the bat he was always carrying with him. I had never questioned the name before and thought it was just a silly joke.

Maybe Lucille was a person?

Or maybe she was one of his wives?

Either way, it seemed that he thought _I_ was _her_.

I didn't speak and listened to his light snoring start up again. He fell back asleep without ever fully waking up. I took a few deep breaths and tried to make myself relax. There was actually something comforting about being so close to him. I could smell the familiar shampoo and smiled a bit at the pleasant scent.

When I finally fell asleep, my mind was no longer on ghosts and pills.

Instead, as Negan held me in his arms, one question repeated over and over in my head:

 _Who the hell is Lucille?_


	26. Chapter 26: Ghosts

Days turned to weeks as I remained locked up in Negan's room. I wasn't craving the pills so much as I was getting anxious with nothing to do; I didn't have responsibilities, and there were only so many books I could read before the walls started to close in around me.

My demons were showing up less and less, though I still saw them occasionally—Adam, A.J., and Caleb mostly visited me in my dreams, but I hadn't seen Philip in a while. I was kind of grateful for that; the bullet wound in his face was a stark reminder of his horrific death. I didn't want to remember him that way, and having him haunt me hurt worse than all of the others.

The first day that I woke up without a raging headache, I cried tears of relief. I still felt a little nauseous, but I could tell I was making progress. I was actually sleeping through the night, and although the nightmares still happened, they were happening less and less. I wasn't arguing with Negan as much, though he didn't come back to his room until late into the evening. He was very busy, and many nights I wouldn't see him until he got into bed next to me.

We hadn't talked anymore about the mysterious Lucille, or about whatever was happening between the two of us. I couldn't help but wonder if he was visiting his wives on the nights he came in late. The idea of him being with other women bothered me, and I hated thinking about it. They were absolutely beautiful, and I felt that maybe he hadn't made a move with me because he had them and didn't need me. Still, I got butterflies when I heard the door unlock every night and he'd come to bed.

Amy visited me a few times to update me on what was going on. The baby was healthy and Dr. Carson estimated her to be at thirty-one weeks. Vivienne's garden was a huge success, and the Sanctuary was able to provide vegetables to everyone for the first time ever. Eric was walking on his own; the physical therapy was working well. The other Doveporters had all found ways to help out around the factory building, but Amy told me most of them were starting to get homesick. Amy and Eric wanted to return to the school, but not everyone wanted to go home. Vivienne was on the fence about returning to Doveport, and said she was really happy living at the Sanctuary.

I looked forward to when Amy would come to see me; she helped me pass the time and helped me to stay positive. The ultrasound picture was still sitting on the nightstand next to the bed and there for whenever I needed a reminder of why I had allowed myself to be locked up.

Usually Amy was in high spirits, but when she came into the room in the middle of an afternoon looking distraught, I immediately became concerned.

"Amy, what is it?" I got up from the love-seat where I had been doodling on one of Negan's notepads.

She looked over her shoulder, as if she expected someone to be there, and then turned back to me with a deep frown.

"I can't stay here," she said in a quiet voice.

"What happened?" I asked, gesturing for her to sit down. The uneasy expression on her face told me it was something bad. "Is everyone okay?"

"We're all fine, but…" She trailed off. Her eyes seemed glazed over as she stared at the wall across the room. "It was awful, Elle."

I waited for her to continue, not understanding what she was talking about. She glanced over at the door again and then took a deep breath.

"Negan said we all had to attend this meeting. There was a man, someone from the Sanctuary who had been caught stealing supplies. Negan gave a speech and said he broke the rules and had to be punished. And then…" She paused, swallowed hard, and then looked right at me. "Negan burned his face with an _iron_." Her eyes started to water and she brought a hand to her face. "His skin bubbled up and he screamed so loud… God, I don't think I'll ever be able to unhear that sound."

I stared at Amy in disbelief. Sometimes it was easy to forget what kind of man Negan was. He had been showing me a kinder side in the last weeks, and I had almost forgotten he was capable of doing horrible things. Hearing about this from Amy immediately made me picture Seth being shot right before my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, "I can't even imagine."

"He said he did it to show people how important the rules are, but he didn't have to do that. He could have talked to the guy." Amy continued to watch the door and I realized why: _she was scared Negan was going to come in_.

"He said we need to get jobs and start working for 'points'." She used air quotes around the word. "That we'll be required to attend all of those public punishments."

"Maybe it's time for you guys to go back to the school," I said, and she looked at me with frantic eyes and then nodded.

"Yeah, we're all on the same page now. Even Vivienne doesn't want to stay." She glanced down at her stomach as she spoke. "We can't live here, Elle. I'm not raising my baby in this place."

I couldn't blame her. Harsh punishments were one thing, but making everyone in the compound bare witness to them was another. But even as Amy told me about this horror show, I felt conflicted. I didn't agree with Negan's brutality—I never had, but I understood it. He had to keep everyone in line, and that meant dealing out punishments. Of course there were more humane ways, but we weren't living in a humane world anymore.

As if she sensed my inner conflict, Amy shifted uncomfortably and then sighed.

"After he saved us from Caleb, I really thought he was a good guy. But he's not, Elle. He's not." She sounded like she was trying to convince me.

"He's not all bad." I responded a little too quickly. knew I wasn't capable of the things that he was, but I understood it. Negan and I had discussed it before, months back when I had first come to the Sanctuary and I had thought he had killed Philip. Negan eliminated his problems, and burning that man's face guaranteed to send a strong message to everyone.

Amy's face turned sour. "You're only saying that because there's been something going on between you and him."

"There's nothing going on." I scoffed and crossed my arms defensively.

"I saw you kiss him!" she exclaimed. "You can lie to yourself, but we both know it's true. Maybe you wouldn't be so goo-goo eyed if you'd have watched him burn some poor guy's face off."

"I'm not goo-goo eyed, Amy." I rolled my eyes at her. She didn't understand. She didn't see that side of him I had come to know—that kind side he tried to cover up. Negan had a reason for doing everything, and although I was coming to his defense, I wasn't ready to admit my feelings out loud. Especially not to Amy, who was disgusted and terrified by him. It was exactly why I hadn't told her that the kiss she had witnessed hadn't been the only one Negan and I shared.

Amy was just about to speak when the door unlocked and Negan stepped into the room. His baseball bat was draped over his shoulder, and he seemed pretty pleased with himself. His eyes went to the both of us, and Amy's entire body went stiff.

"Hey, Momma Bear!" He greeted her with his signature cocky smile, and Amy stood up abruptly. I remained on the couch as she made her way over to the door.

"I'll talk to you later, Elle," she mumbled, walking past Negan quickly. He watched silently as she left, and then raised an eyebrow at me.

"What's up her ass?" he asked.

I pushed my hair back and let out a sigh. "You made them watch one of your punishments. They're really shook up about it."

Negan turned and looked back at the door where Amy had left and chuckled darkly.

"She'll get over it. The little fucker stole a ton of supplies. He was gonna rob us and run. You bet your ass he's not gonna try that shit again." Negan brought an arm up to rub at his shoulder. I picked up the pad of paper, but I didn't write anything. I also didn't know what to say. Negan was so nonchalant about the whole thing, and I sensed an argument was coming.

When I didn't respond, he huffed.

"What? So they all fucking hate me now?"

"I thought you said we were your guests." I tried to keep my voice indifferent and didn't look up from the notepad. When we had originally come to the Sanctuary, Negan had made it clear we didn't have to work and would be protected. Now he was singing a completely different tune.

"Your people have been living here for weeks, eating our food and using our shit. It's about time they learned how things work around here."

So he was trying to convert the Doveporters into members of the Sanctuary. Showcasing a punishment wasn't just to keep his people in line, it was also done as an attempt to acclimate us to his ways. Unfortunately for him, it had backfired, and they no longer wanted to stay.

"They want to go home," I replied, looking up at him.

"We're back on this shit again? Fuck, you are like a broken record. It's Doveport this, and Doveport that. Why can't you just accept your people are safer here than at that damn school?" Surprisingly enough, his tone wasn't as sharp as I would have expected. There was a softness about it—as if he was trying to convince me instead of just drill in his argument. I knew he wasn't going to like what I said, but I couldn't just tell him what he wanted to hear.

"It's our home, Negan," I answered, trying to explain it to him. "We don't want to work for points and watch you hurt people."

His expression changed and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"They've all had it pretty fucking easy…" I could hear it in his voice—he was trying so hard not to blow up at me about this. He was struggling to keep his composure.

"They don't like how you do things," I said simply.

Negan shook his head in disgust and placed the head of the bat onto the floor.

"I have bent over backwards for your people. I saved their lives, kept them safe and well fed, and I even locked up their drug addicted leader to sober her up. Now they wanna stick their middle fingers in my face and leave?" His voice raised with each word.

"We are very grateful for what you've done Negan, but we don't belong here. We need to go back to the school."

" _You're_ not going anywhere," he said quickly, and pointed his finger at me.

"Okay, let the others go. You tried to get them to stay, and they don't want to anymore. You can't force them to live here!" I was becoming more and more upset with him.

"You really want to go back there? Did you already forget what happened with Caleb? That fucking bastard almost killed all of you. You still look like you had an unfortunate incident with a deli-slicer." He gestured to my body and I glanced down at the scars on my skin and the large bandage that was still on my neck.

"If you go back to the school, it's just a matter of time before you fuck up again."

I wanted to scream at him for saying such things. My automatic reaction was to argue and tell him he was being a huge asshole. Of course I hadn't forgotten about Caleb; the marks on my body were a permanent reminder of what happened. John and Minnie were dead because I had let him in, and I would never forgive myself for it.

Instead of telling Negan about my constant guilt trips, I decided to play the one wild card I'd been sitting on for the last few days.

"Who's Lucille?" I asked suddenly.

His face scrunched up as I said the name. The question seemed to take him off guard, but he snapped back almost instantly.

"I'd be happy to introduce her to you," he said, pointing the wooden weapon at me. I ignored the barbed wire that was inches from my face and looked up at him.

"Not the bat. The person. It's named after someone. A woman. You thought I was her the other night."

Negan's scowl never left, but his eyes danced across my face as if he was trying to read me—like he was trying to determine where the hell I was going with this.

"You put your arms around me the other night and you called me Lucille. Who is she, Negan?"

He didn't respond. He just stood above me, staring down in anger and confusion. His face remained stoic, but his eyes gave everything away—I knew right then that I'd hit a nerve.

After a few long drawn out moments, Negan moved the bat away from my face and turned his back to me. When it was evident he wasn't going to answer me, I spoke again.

"Let them go back to the school. I'll stay here as long as you want me to, but only if they can go home." I hoped that changing the subject back to our former argument would snap him out of whatever trance he was in. And I meant what I said—I knew I still couldn't trust myself. Sure I wasn't craving the pain medication as often, but I still wanted it nonetheless.

"Fine," he grumbled, walking over to the door. I hadn't expected this reaction; he was completely shutting down on me. Mentioning the woman's name really seemed to bother him, and I regretted bringing it up.

"Negan, I'm sorry." I stood up and went to go to him, but he left the room before I could reach him.

I let out a deep sigh.

Whoever Lucille was, bringing her up had been a mistake, and yet I couldn't help but be curious about her.

Who could possibly cause such a human response from a man everyone else saw as a monster?

* * *

I spent the rest of the day feeling guilty about bringing up Lucille to Negan. Mentioning the woman's name had seemed to cut into him worse than anything else I'd ever said, and I hadn't meant to hurt him. I was left alone in his room until nighttime, and long after I had crawled into bed, Negan still hadn't joined me. I turned on my side and tried to fall asleep, but the stress was eating away at me. For the first time in days, my mind went straight to the pills.

As I laid awake in the dark room, eventually I heard the sound of the door unlocking and someone entering. I didn't have to see him to know it was Negan. He moved quietly, and I could hear the sound of him undressing from the other side of the room. I could imagine him doing what he did every single night—he slipped off his boots and then removed his belts, jacket, shirt, and pants, and draped them onto a chair.

I felt the mattress dip as he sat onto it and then shifted his body so he was laying down. He let out a long sigh, and then pulled the blanket over himself. He sounded exhausted, and I wondered if he had been with his wives. It seemed to be even later into the night than when he usually came to bed.

After some time, Negan's breathing became even, telling me he was asleep. I carefully turned to look at him and my eyes went wide. It wasn't Negan, but instead I was laying next to Adam. His head was bashed in, and bits of his brain and flesh were soaking into the pillow. I closed my eyes and willed myself to ignore what I had just seen.

It was just a hallucination.

I was tired.

Negan was laying next to me, not Adam.

When I opened my eyes again, I was relieved to see Negan resting on the pillow. His features were soft and relaxed as his chest raised up and down with each breath. I smiled as I looked at his sleeping figure; he looked peaceful. I was grateful I was seeing him instead of Adam's mangled face. I watched him for a long time and had started to fall asleep myself when a quiet voice drew my attention from across the room.

"Ellie?"

I slowly sat up to see where the voice had come from.

Sitting on the love-seat and staring right at me was Philip. His face was illuminated by the moonlight shining through the large windows. I waited for him to start screaming, or for the gunshot wound to appear in his forehead, but it didn't.

I swung my feet over the side of the bed, moving carefully as to not wake Negan, and slowly approached Philip. He looked up at me with a thin smile, but his eyes were filled with sadness.

"Phil?" I whispered, studying his face. He nodded a bit, and then the smile faded and his expression turned serious.

"I'm so sorry, Ellie. I'm sorry about what happened." He watched as I sat down in the chair across from the small couch and frowned at him. I didn't understand what he was referring to, and I knew deep down that this was just my mind messing with me. But there was something different about him this time—something that was almost…comforting.

"You're too hard on yourself. You feel guilty, but it's not your fault." He was so concerned as he studied my face, and it was that caring nature of his that made tears start to well up in my eyes. I shook my head and looked out the window at the moon.

"It is," I said in a low voice. I wasn't sure what he was referring to, but all of it was my fault. I had killed A.J., and in turn, Adam had killed Philip. I had killed Adam, and then Caleb came to Doveport and I let him inside. Every single bad thing to happen to all of us was because of my mistakes.

Philip reached across and took my hand into his and I looked up in surprise. I could feel him.

 _He felt real._

"You can't control other people, Ellie. You can only choose your own actions, and your actions have been good."

I wiped at my face as the tears continued to fall and I forced a broken smile.

"I don't feel good." I bit my quivering lip and glanced down at the scars on my body. "I miss the pills. I hate that I've let myself get like this… That I put everyone in danger. Doveport doesn't need me anymore."

"You know that's not true. You've been a great leader. Amy, Eric, Vienne, and the others… they're counting on you to get better." He smiled sympathetically at me.

"Ellie, I'm proud of you. You've been through so much and you've stayed so strong. Don't give up on yourself, okay? Cause I'm not giving up on you."

I studied his face and the way the light shined off his bald head. It was like he was actually sitting with me and consoling me like he used to. I couldn't stop the stream of tears as I remembered this wasn't real.

Philip was gone, but in this single moment in time, he wasn't.

"I miss you," I whispered. My voice cracked, and Philip squeezed my hand. He started to speak when a voice from behind me made me jump.

"Who are you talking to?" Negan asked groggily, and I whipped around to see he was sitting up partially on the pillows and rubbing his eyes. I could barely make out his tired features in the darkness.

I spun back to look at Philip, but he was gone.

I smiled at the empty space in front of me and then looked down at my hand that Philip had been holding only seconds before.

"A ghost," I answered Negan, standing up and heading back to the bed. I knew he would think I was out of my mind, but I didn't care. Maybe it had been Philip's ghost, or maybe it was my own mind trying to show myself forgiveness. Either way, getting a visit from my late friend made me feel better than I had in weeks.

Without looking at Negan, I got back into bed and rested my head on the pillow. I turned so my back faced him and I closed my eyes. He had already seen me panic about these hallucinations, and at least this one didn't result in broken lamps or me nails digging into his arms. I could feel sleep start to pull me in when Negan spoke.

"I see them too sometimes."

My eyelids flew open in surprise, and I slowly moved so I could see him. He was still sitting up against the pillows and staring off into space.

"I see Lucille. I used to see her all the time, but not so much these days…" He trailed off and brought a hand to wipe at his beard. My heart started to pound at the mention of her name. I wanted to ask him who she was so bad, but I stayed quiet and hoped he would explain.

The silence that followed made me think he wasn't going to continue. I watched him as best as I could in the dark room as he stared off into nothingness, and then finally I had my answer.

"She was my wife."

The confession hit me like a tidal wave and I felt my jaw drop slightly. His _wife_. The way he said it told me everything. When he talked about his current wives, there was no emotion, but at the mention of Lucille, I could see a world of hurt hiding inside of him. The same way it hurt me to think about my family and friends—people whose fates I didn't even know. Lucille and him must have been married before the walkers.

"You'd have loved her. She was a real firecracker. Had such a fucking attitude on her, but the biggest heart. I'd have bent over backwards to give her anything she wanted." He smiled as he remembered her, but his voice sounded bleak. I could see that it was hard for him to talk about.

"You're probably thinking a walker got her. But no… she died of cancer. Right as the entire world went to shit. Sometimes I'm glad she's not alive to see this clusterfuck mess. To see what I've turned into…"

My heart sank at what he was saying. I had always thought he enjoyed inflicting pain, but now I could see that wasn't the case. He did all of this to survive, but that didn't mean he liked any of it—that he liked who he was.

"Negan, I'm sorry," I whispered, sitting up.

"I miss her so fucking much." He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. "I named the bat after her to try and keep her memory alive. I didn't want her to think I'd forget her…" He didn't open his eyes, and I could hear his voice break. It was the most he had ever told me, and I couldn't think of a response.

What could I possibly say to make this hurt less?

Instead of words, I reached across carefully and cupped the side of his face. His body went rigid as I touched his cheek and started to caress him. His stubble tickled my palm, and I glided my thumb back and forth across his skin.

He opened his eyes and turned to look at me. It was like I was seeing him for the first time—seeing who he really was. Not the cocky persona he had created to hide behind, but the man from before—Lucille's loving husband, and a man that wasn't brutal, but _broken_.

Inching closer to him, I pulled his face towards mine and pressed my lips to his. Negan didn't respond right away, but after a few seconds he relaxed into the kiss. Reaching over to me, he mirrored the way I was cupping his face, and his large hand touched my cheek very gently. His lips continued to meld with mine. It was simple and soft, but felt powerful in the moment.

When we broke away, he leaned towards me and pressed his forehead against mine and gazed into my eyes. The hurt from talking about Lucille was still present, but so was something else. That unspoken connection—that shared intensity that was building between us like nothing I had ever known before.

It was something we hadn't talked about—something Amy had tried to bring up and I had denied—something we were both feeling, but neither one of us was willing to admit.

It killed me to see that hurt in his eyes, and I wanted to make it go away. I wanted to help him. I wondered if he could see the same pain in me the way I could with him—if he wanted to reach out and touch me the same way I wanted to touch him. It was taking every ounce of willpower not to dissolve into his arms right then and there.

I wanted us both to let down these walls we'd built up and just let go.

But I couldn't.

I had to get better and return to Doveport. Philip was right. They needed me. I couldn't let my feelings for Negan get in the way of that.

I pulled away from him so my forehead was no longer touching his, and my hand left his face, but his remained.

"I brought them home," he said in a gravelly voice. I blinked at his words, and then I realized what he was referring to. He was talking about my friends. He brought Amy and the others back to Doveport. I hadn't expected him to do it, but I could tell by the way he was gazing into my eyes that he wasn't lying.

"Thank you," I whispered as he caressed my cheek. I nuzzled into his touch and smiled gratefully at him.

"Let's go to sleep," he said softly and his hand slowly dropped from my face and grazed down to touch the bandage on my neck. He smiled a bit at me, and then turned over on his side so his back was facing me again. I studied him for a few moments, and then I laid down.

Negan's breathing never started up again, and I knew he wasn't sleeping. We both laid in the dark room together in silence, and my mind raced. I wanted so badly to reach out to him—to rub his back or pull him back for another kiss.

I wondered if he wanted that too.

Or perhaps this connection—just like my hallucinations—was all in my head.


	27. Chapter 27: Vulnerable

"How's she doing, doc?"

Negan was peering over Dr. Carson's shoulder as he inspected my wounds. The bandage around my neck was removed and the doctor was making sure the deep gash was closing. I was sitting on the edge of the bed as he looked me over, and Negan was watching him closely, constantly lurking right behind him.

"They're definitely scarred, but I'd say this was best case scenario. None of her cuts got infected. It's still gonna be a little tender, but she doesn't need to wear bandages anymore." Dr. Carson answered him, and I glanced down at the mark on my neck. The skin was pink and raised, but it was no longer open and red. It had been six weeks since Caleb had come to Doveport, though it felt like it happened both yesterday and another lifetime ago.

"Thank you, Dr. Carson." I smiled warmly at him and he nodded at me.

"How are you feeling otherwise?" he asked, looking me dead in the eye. I knew he wasn't talking about the scars anymore. Negan had told him about my little episodes, and the restless nights.

"I haven't thought about the pain medication in a few days, actually. And the hallucinations have stopped."

That wasn't a lie—Philip had been the last one I'd seen. In the week since then, I was feeling more like myself; the nausea was gone, and the headache was almost completely non-existent. Perhaps my visit from Philip had caused a weight to be lifted off my shoulders.

"Good," Carson said, and turned to face Negan. "As long as she doesn't touch the pills again, there's no reason to be concerned."

Negan was staring down at me and didn't seem convinced. Once Carson collected his things and left the room, I laid back onto the bed and chuckled to myself.

"What the fuck are you giggling about?" Negan stood over the bed and crossed his arms. I leaned up a bit on my elbows so I could see him.

"I'm better! I can go home now."

A deep frown appeared on his face.

"Negan, please! Carson said I could!" I sat up fully and my brows knit together. I didn't understand why he was being difficult about this—why every single time the school came up we ended up arguing.

"You can go back when I say you can go back," he said sternly.

I let out a sigh and flopped down onto the bed. This shouldn't have come as a surprise—I had made a deal with Negan that if he let the other Doveporters go home, I would stay at the Sanctuary for as long as he wanted. But without the updates from Amy, I was starting to get worried about my friends. It wasn't that I hated being around Negan. I was just homesick.

"Okay, but can I at least leave your bedroom seeing as my rehab is officially over?" I suggested. Negan brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed, huffing in frustration.

"You just don't want to lose your bed buddy." I jested—it was my lame attempt to lighten the mood, but it worked. A smile slowly formed on his mouth.

"You know you love it, too." He grinned cheekily and I rolled my eyes.

"I love being able to take a piss without having to ask for permission," I mumbled, watching him closely. He still seemed unsure, but I could tell he was considering it. "Please?" I added, sticking out my bottom lip in a dramatic pout.

His eyes seemingly fixated on my bottom lip that was jutted out. Even after I stopped pouting, he continued to stare down at my mouth, and my mind went back to our most recent kiss. It had been my attempt at comforting him after he told me about Lucille, but it had ended up being so much more than that. I didn't know if this attraction was fleeting, and we both hadn't talked about it, as if mentioning it was taboo.

After a few long moments, he let out a sigh and nodded. I couldn't help the goofy grin that spread across my face and I stood from the bed. There was a small part of me that wanted to throw my arms around him in a hug, but I didn't want to press my luck and instead went to the door. I knocked a few times and waited. When it opened, Naomi was standing before me and she looked slightly confused to find it was me.

"Negan said I can leave," I informed her, the large smile still on my face. Naomi looked over my shoulder at Negan.

"She's free to go," he said, in almost a grumble. I glanced back just in time to see him give Naomi a stern look. She nodded and then pulled the door open wide.

"Sweet. Let's go see if your room is still available."

I stepped out into the hallway to follow her, but turned to look at Negan before I left. He still looked so uncertain, as if he thought I wasn't ready. But I was no longer focused on getting more pills. I just wanted to go home. I smiled warmly at him; he had to know how thankful I was. He had practically saved my life. He simply nodded, and then Naomi let the door fall closed.

She brought me to another bedroom that was just down the hall from Negan's, as mine had been given to another Sanctuary member. This one was much smaller and simple, but I was just grateful that I finally had my freedom again. After checking out my new room, I realized Naomi was still with me, leaning up against the door frame.

"What do you wanna do?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"I don't know," I said, pursing my lips. "I've been locked up for so long, and to be honest, I just wanna go home."

"Well I can't help with that," she gestured with her thumb over her shoulder towards the hallway. "But the marketplace is open. We could go see what's there."

"That sounds like fun." I approached her at the door and she held it open for me.

We walked through the halls in a comfortable silence. When we passed by a familiar room, I couldn't help but stare—it was the infirmary, and the door was no longer open. As if she could read my mind, Naomi grabbed my arm and continued to pull me along.

"Don't even think about it. It's locked now."

I had kind of figured it would be. What I hadn't realized up until that moment was what Negan had been conveying when he had given Naomi such a hardened look. She was shadowing me, and making sure I didn't get into any trouble. He still couldn't trust me, and that was probably fair. I wasn't entirely sure if I could trust myself.

The marketplace was busy, and everyone was moving around the little tables that were set out. The chatter was low, but still echoed off the colored windows. As we walked past the booths, I stared down at the items people were selling. There were all kinds of food, from baked goods to canned fruits and vegetables. Some people were selling crafts and others had items found from scavenging runs. I remembered the last time I was here with Naomi, which was the first time I had come to the Sanctuary.

 _The same day I killed A.J._

I shook the memory from my head and approached a table that had a few knitted items laid out. There were a few hats and scarfs, and a decent sized, white blanket. I reached out to touch the soft fabric, and then looked at the seller. She was a short, young woman, with medium length blond hair and big brown eyes. She seemed nervous when she realized I was staring at her. I smiled at her, in an attempt to show I was friendly.

"These are gorgeous," I said. I continued to touch the fluffy blanket.

"Th-thanks," she stuttered, grabbing her arm and rubbing it as if she was uneasy. She was shy, and I thought it was kind of cute. Naomi picked up a blue hat and placed it on her head.

"How much?" she asked. There weren't any prices on the items. The girl averted her eyes and stared down at the table.

"Um… 5 points?" She didn't sound very confident.

"Let's make it 20." Naomi picked up a little notepad that was sitting on the table along with the pen to fill out her spent points. I hadn't realized, but I was rubbing my hand absentmindedly over the blanket.

"What about the blanket?" Naomi inquired, gesturing to the one I was touching, and I pulled my hand away and glanced up at the girl.

"Um…" She didn't look up and chewed her lip nervously.

"Dang kid, you gotta figure out your prices. These assholes will eat you alive out here," Naomi said, and playfully punched the girl's shoulder. She froze in terror, but nodded in agreement. When her eyes finally met mine again, I smiled a little bit.

"I don't have any points, but they really are lovely. You're very talented."

"Thank you." She smiled a bit back at me and then looked down at the blanket. "Here, take it."

My eyes grew wide at what she was implying.

"Oh, I can't do that." I raised my hands up in protest, but she picked up the blanket and held it out to me.

"Please? I-I want you to have it." She started to tremble, and I reached out and took the blanket carefully. She pulled away fast, and I stared down at the beautiful knitted patterns.

"You really don't have to." I held the blanket awkwardly in my arms. Naomi patted me on the back reassuringly.

"It's okay, Elle. Mouse makes bank selling this stuff. Don't you?"

The girl, or 'Mouse' as Naomi called her, nodded and shuffled her feet.

"Yeah, I uh… I have lots of points. I can aff-afford it."

I pulled the blanket towards my chest and hugged it to me.

"Well thank you. This is very kind of you." It still didn't feel right to take it without paying, but Mouse smiled as I finally accepted her gift.

"Come on, let's go get dinner. See you later, Mouse!" Naomi called over her shoulder as she pulled me along. I waved goodbye to Mouse, who waved back and smiled sheepishly.

Naomi and I ate in the dining hall together, and I tried to ignore the fact that the last time we were here, A.J. had interrupted our meal. I remembered how uneasy Naomi had been when he sat down with us, and the creepy way he had looked at me. Glancing down at my new blanket, I realized my headache was back and I had a strong urge to take something to fight it.

But I couldn't use the pills ever again—not if I was going to make it back to Doveport.

I brought the spoon to my mouth and sipped a bit of chicken noodle soup. It was filled with carrots and basil, which I imagined came from Vivienne's garden, and it was absolutely delicious. After I drank the broth from the bowl, I set it down and watched Naomi slurp up the rest of hers.

"Negan said he brought my friends home," I said, watching her to see if it was true. She nodded and set her spoon inside of her empty bowl.

"Yeah, about a week ago. It was kind of late at night, but I was with them. They're all okay." It was like she had read my mind and answered my unasked question. I had believed Negan, but I only had his word. Hearing that they were okay from Naomi as a confirmation made me feel a little bit better. Still, that was a week ago, and a lot could happen in a week.

"I heard Negan made them watch him burn someone's face." I wondered if Naomi was aware that's why my friends hadn't wanted to stay.

"Yeah, they didn't handle it well. Your pregnant friend especially. I thought she was going to throw up." Naomi let out a sigh and rolled her shoulders as she spoke. "I know Negan's methods are extreme, and I don't think most of us agree with it, but he's our leader. No one wants to challenge him because he'd probably just burn their entire face off, and you have to agree, it does keep people in line."

"He said someone stole something," I mumbled, fidgeting a bit. I was really glad I hadn't been there to see the horror show of melting skin. I had enough scars under my belt and didn't need that mental one. Naomi didn't seem to be disturbed when talking about it.

"Yeah, Billy. He's new. He didn't realize that you can't pull a fast one on Negan. It's not worth it." Naomi shook her head in disbelief. "He took a few guns and some food. Sounds like he was going to try and leave."

"Do people run a lot?" I asked.

"Not really. Most people are too terrified, and I think they know they couldn't do better on their own without Negan. It really isn't that hard to follow his rules and as long as you do your job, you'll stay on his good side. He's building a foundation here, and they're safer inside the Sanctuary than they were out there. "

We both looked towards the window and then Naomi stood up from the table.

"You don't have to worry about trying to run. I'm sure he's gonna bring you home soon." She grabbed both our bowls and I sighed.

"I hope so," I replied. Running hadn't even been an idea in my head. I had no idea how to get back to Doveport from the Sanctuary and I really didn't want to find out what Negan would do if I tried. Though I wasn't entirely sure he would hurt me anymore.

Naomi carried our bowls to the bin for dirty dishes and then came back over to the table.

"Ready to call it a night?" she asked. I stood up and grabbed my blanket, giving her a short nod.

As we left the cafeteria, I couldn't help but think about Billy and how Negan burned his face.

I had stolen meds and overdosed.

So why didn't Negan punish me for it?

* * *

I tossed and turned in my new bed, unable to sleep. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable, or that I felt unsafe—I was wrapped up in my new knitted blanket and the door was locked. Still, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't relax. I was wound up, and the silence of my new room had me feeling anxious. Perhaps I missed the large king size mattress I had been able to stretch out in, or Negan's light snoring. Or maybe I missed my bed back at Doveport and being with my friends.

Or maybe I had something else on my mind…

Giving up on sleep, I sat up on my bed and wrapped the white blanket around my shoulders. Clad only in my tank top and some shorts Naomi had given me, I placed my bare feet on the cold floor and exited my room quietly.

The hallway was empty and dark; it was the middle of the night, and everyone was in bed, except for a few Saviors that were patrolling the fence outside. I made my way towards Negan's room and once I reached the painted door, I knocked lightly.

As I waited for him, I noticed the outside lock had been removed. It wasn't necessary because my rehab was over and I didn't need to be locked inside. I reached out to the knob to turn it and was surprised when it clicked. It was unlocked.

I held my breath before I pushed it open.

What if he was with one of his wives?

What if he would get angry with me?

The door was already part ways open, so I continued to push it and stepped into his room. Looking over at the bed, I saw Negan was laying on his side facing me; his chest raised up and down and his features were relaxed. He was alone.

I smiled at the sight and carefully closed and locked door, making as little noise as possible. I wasn't sure why he hadn't locked it himself, but thought maybe it was because he had forgotten. He hadn't needed to lock it for weeks because it had been on the opposite side of the door.

Moving carefully, I approached the bed, studying his sleeping face. It felt awkward to be staring at him as he slept, and I wondered if I should wake him up. He looked so peaceful, and I loved seeing him like this and didn't want to disturb him. I wasn't even sure why I had come to his room. Of course he would be sleeping—and if he hadn't been, what would I have said?

Adjusting the blanket on my shoulders, I went back to the door. Just as I was unlocked the it and turned the knob, a deep voice made me freeze.

"Elle?"

I slowly turned to find two familiar hazel eyes were locked on me.

"I'm sorry." My hand dropped from the door. Like a deer caught in the headlights, I stood before him stunned. I hadn't meant to wake him up.

He sat up a bit and rubbed at his eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked languidly, squinting at me in the dark room.

I shrugged and smiled awkwardly.

"I couldn't sleep," I replied with a nervous chuckle. "I guess I missed my bed buddy."

Negan paused a few moments before a smirk formed on his lips. He patted the empty spot next to him, giving me permission to join him. I rounded the bed to the other side and crawled in next to him, laying my blanket out so it was spread over my body.

I laid back without saying anything. My heart was pounding so loud and I took a deep breath, resting against the pillow.

 _Why am I here?_

When I glanced over at Negan, I found him staring at me. When he didn't look away, I turned onto my side to face him and smiled a little.

He lifted his hand and brought it to my face, tucking some of my hair behind my ear. I froze as his thumb gently grazed my cheek and on instinct, I reached out and took his retreating hand into mine. My fingers felt so much smaller than his, but I squeezed his hand into mine and closed my eyes as I rested against the pillow. It was like electricity was running through my veins as I felt the heat from his skin.

Suddenly I felt a light pressure against my lips, and I opened my eyes. Negan had closed the space between us and was kissing me very gently. It was brief, and he pulled away as if to gauge my reaction.

It was like I was in a trance, and the only thing that existed in that moment was us. I reached up to wrap an arm around his neck and pulled him back in, melding my lips with his.

The sound of our eager kiss filled the room and I let out a soft moan. On queue, Negan's hand went to my body and slid down to grip my hip, pulling me even closer against him. I reached out and placed a hand against his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat. It was pounding rapidly, just like mine.

It was this discovery that had me realize that this wasn't an illusion—this was real.

We wanted each other.

When our lips broke apart so we could catch our breaths, I let my hands trail down, feeling the muscles in his chest and the soft hair there. His fingers continued to brush along me, touching each curve. We smiled as we eagerly explored one another.

I gasped when he rolled over to be on top of me, and leaned down to give me a long kiss. My hand slipped from his abdomen and brushed against his boxers and my heart skipped a beat. He was becoming aroused, and I bit my lip as I felt him.

This was happening.

Negan's lips left mine and he groaned low as I touched him. His breathing picked up and he cupped one of my breasts, squeezing it. As if we couldn't get enough of each other, we both met halfway and our lips crashed together again and again. His tongue danced against mine while his hands gripped the bottom of my tank top. He started to roll it up my body, and then kissed down my neck, making me shiver in delight.

He sat up a bit and moved his mouth down to my exposed belly, kissing me there. The feeling of his beard rubbing against my stomach made me giggle. I tried to pull away, but he gripped my hips and held me in place, kissing my belly-button and moving upwards as he pulled the tank top up. I squirmed a bit as he tickled me with his kisses and I felt him smile against my skin.

His lips pressed lightly against my scars, and I closed my eyes, trying to get lost in the sensation. I brought a hand to his tousled hair and lightly gripped it, lacing my fingers in his locks. I wanted to feel more of him and tugged him gently, trying to get him back up so I could kiss his lips.

But when I opened my eyes, it wasn't Negan.

Instead, A.J. was grinning up at me.

I immediately closed my eyes again and let out a deep breath, tensing up.

 _Not now. Please, not now._

Negan's mouth left my stomach and he sat up off me.

"What's wrong?" he asked, taking my hand into his. I opened my eyes and shook my head with a smile.

"Nothing, I'm fine." I tried to be as reassuring as I could be. I didn't want to ruin this moment, and hoped I didn't look as startled as I felt.

Negan's hand left mine and he stared down at me. He seemed conflicted—I could see the lust blown look in his eyes, but he had sensed my hesitation. I sat up quickly, and reached up to cup his face, but he turned his head away.

"I have to be up early…" His tone was final, and my heart jumped into my throat. He had felt me freeze up when I saw A.J. He knew something was wrong and was putting a stop to things because I had been uncomfortable.

He moved across the bed and rested his head against the pillow. I watched him as tears welled up in my eyes as I realized he was quite literally distancing himself from me.

Moving so his back was facing me, I wanted so badly to reach out to him, but I knew our fun, little adventure was done.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and my voice cracked as I tried not to cry. I felt stupid. I shouldn't have come to him. I should have just stayed in my room.

"It's okay," he said reassuringly, but then didn't say anything else.

It didn't feel okay. I had ruined everything, and I wouldn't blame him if he resented me for it.

I continued to sit there as he relaxed against the pillow and eventually started to snore. I stared at his back and felt a tear roll down my cheek.

I wished I could fix myself.

I wished I could just be normal and not feel guilty about everything that had happened.

As I sat next to Negan's sleeping form, I wondered if I would ever be able to enjoy life's little pleasures.

Or maybe I didn't deserve that anymore.


	28. Chapter 28: Let Go

"Elle, wake up."

A stern voice startled me out of sleep, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block it out. I was comfortable and didn't want to get up. Then I felt someone shaking me a bit and I opened one eye and looked up. Negan was dressed in his leather jacket and was standing next to my side of the bed. I smiled slightly and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, but Negan's expression was serious.

"Come on, get up," he said in a commanding tone. He walked around to the other side of the bed and headed towards the door. "I'm bringing you home."

My brows knit together in confusion as I tried to wake up and process what was happening.

He was bringing me back to Doveport? But why?

Last night I had come to him in the middle of the night unable to sleep, and then we….

I smiled and closed my eyes as I remembered the feeling of his lips and beard rubbing against my abdomen—his deep, yet tender kisses—the desire that blazed in his eyes when he looked at me.

I hadn't wanted it to end.

But when I saw A.J., I got scared. Negan put a stop to our fun, and afterwards I must have passed out. Now he was setting out clean clothes on the bed and he seemed impatient.

"Did something happen? Is everyone okay?" I asked concerned. He had always been so insistent that I stay at the Sanctuary, but now he seemed to be in a rush to get me home. Maybe something had happened at Doveport…

"They're all fine. You said you wanted to go home, so I'm bringing you home." Once again, his words had a bit of an edge to them, and I wondered why he was in such a bad mood. I couldn't help but think it had to do with something from the night before.

"Okay…" I studied him to try and figure out what his problem was and realized he was purposely not looking at me. He appeared irritated as he stood across the room, his body language was very tense. Instead of prying, I decided to do as he said and got up from the bed.

"The trucks are waiting, so make it fast." With that, he left the room. I stared at the closed door and blinked a few times, half expecting to wake up from this bizarre dream. I didn't understand why he was acting this way—why he was acting so cold.

A few minutes later, I was dressed in some dark jeans and a forest green racer back top, with my gun belt on as well. I didn't really have much I needed to bring with me; I put the folded picture of the ultrasound in my pocket and sheathed my knife and gun. I folded up my white blanket into a neat bundle, and then I was ready to go.

I headed down to where the trucks were parked outside and waiting. Negan was sitting in the passenger side of one of them, and a familiar Savior, whose name I did not know was behind the wheel. I opened the back car door and got inside, squinting at the back of Negan's head and wishing so badly I could read his mind.

A familiar black bag was thrown back and landed in my lap.

"You know the drill." His voice was low, and he didn't even look back at me. I sighed audibly and pulled the bag over my head. I really didn't know what his problem was, but at least I was headed home.

The drive felt longer than I remembered it; the silence that filled the car was heavy, and I felt like I couldn't breathe under the warm black bag covering my face. I tried to think of a reason for why he would be upset with me. Up until I saw A.J. the night before things had been good. The way Negan had looked at me was so full of passion that it made this current coldness sting even more than it usually would have.

When the car finally stopped, I took off the bag and looked out the front windshield.

"Shit!" I exclaimed, seeing the sight before me.

We were at the school, but clawing at the opaque metal gate were a group of walkers—there had to be at least fifteen of them. Negan's driver had parked a ways back, but a few of their decaying heads turned to look at the truck and then they started making their way to us.

"Stay in the truck," Negan addressed me, and gripped his baseball bat in his hand. His driver pulled out a long knife, and both men got out of the truck. I narrowed my eyes as I watched him bring the baseball bat flying into the side of a walker's head. He swung to hit a second walker, and his driver stabbed another through the side of the head.

Why did I have to stay in the truck when I was fully capable of helping? There was no way I was going to just sit there. Exiting the truck, I pulled my knife from its sheath against my leg and carefully approached an oncoming walker. I slid the blade through its yellowed face and watched it fall down right before me. Another stumbled towards me and growled, but I spun to face it and stabbed my knife up underneath its jaw. Its body crumbled to the ground, and I glanced over at the gate where there were still a group of walkers clawing.

"I told you to stay in the fucking truck!" Negan shouted from a few feet away. He had just finished killing a few more walkers and was kicking one of their corpses to the side and out of the way.

"I can help!" I called back. Our raised voices seemed to grab the attention of the walkers at the gate, and they all started to approach us. The driver, Negan and I easily killed those, and after a few minutes, all of the biters were truly dead. I wiped at my brow and the sweat that had formed there and leaned up against the stone wall that surrounded Doveport. Once it was apparent we were safe, Negan marched over to me, fuming.

"When I tell you to do something, you fucking listen! What the fuck were you thinking?" He towered over me, and I furrowed my brow at him and frowned.

"I figured it would go better with three people instead of two. I'm fully capable of killing walkers, Negan. I can handle it." I didn't understand why he was so angry with me for this and why he was treating me like this.

"Like hell you can! You still look like a fucking carving board." He gestured to my unbandaged scars and I glared up at him. I was really getting sick of the jokes about my scars, and usually I wouldn't have dwelled on it, but his anger and piss poor attitude made me think he was trying to get under my skin.

"What are you gonna do, Negan? Are you gonna burn my face?" I fired back. He continued to glare down at me. "What's the punishment for insubordination?"

"You're gonna find out real fuckin' fast if you keep this up." He took a step towards me, but I wouldn't let his tactics unnerve me.

"Well I'm home now, so you can leave." I pushed past him roughly and went back to the truck, reaching inside to grab my blanket. Once I had it, I approached the gate, banging on the metal loudly.

"Seriously? You're gonna get all pissy now?" Negan followed me over to the gate and stood behind me, and I did my best to ignore his presence. His driver went and got back into the truck, and I just wished Negan would go with him. After a few moments, the gate was pulled open and Ryan peeked his head out.

"Elle!" he said in surprise. He studied me for a few seconds and then looked at the bodies of all the walkers that were strewn everywhere. "Thanks for clearing them out. We've been trying to figure out how to get rid of them all day."

It was like Negan's bad mood had transferred over to me, and I walked past Ryan without greeting him.

"Close the gate," I ordered, knowing full well Negan intended to follow me.

"Keep it open," Negan barked, right on my heels. I started to head towards the school, and the lack of metal moving said that Ryan was listening to Negan and not me. That pissed me off even more.

"Stop!" Negan growled, reaching out to grab my arm, but I pulled away and continued storming up to the school. "Get back here!" he shouted.

I threw the front doors to the school open and they banged loudly. Amy and Eric both came out of their bedroom with warm smiles, but they soon changed to looks of concern once they saw my face and the way Negan was stomping after me. I walked past both of them into my bedroom and went to close the door in his face, but Negan grabbed it and held it open. Behind him I could see the others had gathered to see what the commotion was about—Vivienne and a few others had joined Amy and Eric in the hall.

"Will you just go?!" I threw the blanket onto my bed, wanting so badly to shove him out. "I don't know what your problem is, but I'm not some delicate flower just because I have some scars now."

Negan slammed my door, shutting me inside with him and cutting off our conversation from the people in the hall. He was still holding his barbed wire bat in his hands that was caked in walker guts.

"If you hadn't become a fucking addict in the last weeks, I wouldn't have to treat you like you're ready to fall apart at any given fuckin' moment," he growled.

"Well I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up. I didn't mean to be such a burden on you." My mocking tone only seemed to egg him on.

"Maybe I should have fucked you last night. Then you wouldn't be acting so uptight," he sneered.

" _I'm_ acting uptight? You're the one who's been a dick to me all day long. If anyone needed to get fucked last night, it's you. You should have just gone to one of your wives if you needed it so goddamn bad."

"Yeah, you're right. I should have. They'd probably be much better than you."

Our pissing contest was getting out of hand; our voices were raised so high that I knew the other Doveporters had to have heard us, but I didn't care. I wanted to get to him the same way he got to me.

So I narrowed my eyes at him and a sinister smile crept onto my face.

"Are they better than Lucille?"

Mentioning her name made Negan's already dark expression somehow turn even darker. His nostrils flared and his jaw clenched.

"Don't bring her into this," he warned in a cold voice.

"What would she say about you being with so many women? Or have you always been a 'more than one woman type of guy'"?

"Knock it the fuck off!" he yelled, taking a step towards me. I was hitting a nerve, and so I kept on hitting.

"Did she like to share, too? Or did you keep your infidelity from her? Did you cheat on her, Negan?"

His eyes were filled with rage and the smile faded from my lips as I leaned towards him with a serious expression.

"Did she know she wasn't enough for you?"

Negan's knuckles turned white against the bat, and he brought it right up by my face. The stench of decay filled my nose, and I flinched as he held it before me in a threatening gesture. My eyes grew wide as he leaned in close so his face was mere inches from mine; his demeanor was suddenly eerily calm, which made him appear even scarier than before.

"I should have left you with Caleb."

It took a little bit for what he said to absorb. I had been so intent on pushing him that I hadn't expected him to push back. But once I processed it, my mind went straight back to being in the room I was now standing with him in—being held against my mattress as a knife was used to slice against my skin. I remembered how Negan had been the only hope I had to get me through it. I was relying on him to save us—to save me.

What if Negan had never come back for us?

His words stung—he was basically saying he wished I was dead.

He continued to loom over me, waiting for me to say something. I swallowed hard and finally averted my eyes, suddenly feeling the urge to cry.

Was that really how he felt?

I closed my eyes and wished he would just disappear. I had thought there was something between us, but now he was treating me like crap. Perhaps I had assumed too much of our relationship. Perhaps because I hadn't slept with him the night before, Negan was truly done with me. A lot of things went through my mind as to why this was happening, but regardless of his reason, Negan didn't care about me.

I was just another problem on his list.

When I opened my eyes and found him still staring at me with a look of disgust I felt my heart leap into my throat. I wished I could walk away, but this was my bedroom and he was the one that needed to leave. I took a deep breath and averted my eyes from his harsh gaze.

"We haven't been able to get you anything good supply wise." My voice was barely audible, so I cleared my throat and continued in a slightly louder tone. "If all we've done is cause problems, then maybe you should just let us go."

He didn't say anything for a very long time, but I could feel his eyes on me. I stared at the bloody barbed wire on the bat and waited for him to respond.

But he didn't respond. Without saying another word, Negan turned away from me, opened the door, and left.

I stood there shocked, with my fists clenched at my sides. After a few long moments, the bedroom door opened again, but this time Amy stepped in.

"Elle?" she asked, unsure. "Are you okay?"

I hadn't realized I was crying until I looked up at Amy's worried expression. I forced a tight-lipped smile at her.

"Yeah, I'm good." I sniffled and wiped at my face.

I don't think either one of us really believed that.

* * *

Doveport welcomed me back with open arms. I learned that while everyone was staying at the Sanctuary, Negan's men tended to the garden to keep it watered and well kept. Vivienne was grateful, as she was able to continue with her plants. We still had food to eat, and now that Negan wasn't demanding an offering, we had even more than usual.

A few people asked questions about my addiction, including Vivienne who inquired if I had really been rehabilitated. I told her it didn't really matter. It wasn't like I had access to the pills anymore, and I had absolutely no idea where the Sanctuary was. In truth, I still thought about them occasionally, but I was just happy to be at home. Vivienne made me promise that I would talk to her next time before resorting to such things.

A week went by and Negan did not return to Doveport. The first couple days I was glad; I didn't want to see him after our fight. His comment about leaving me with Caleb continued to play like a track on repeat, and it infuriated me. But as the days continued on, it became apparent he wasn't going to come back. With each day, I felt less angry and more guilty for bringing up his wife. It had been a low blow, and I wasn't exactly innocent in our little fight.

I realized that if Negan didn't return, I had no way of finding him to apologize.

Another week passed and everyone came to the same conclusion: Negan was done with Doveport. In a way, things almost felt normal again… or as normal as they could be in an apocalypse. It was just like when Amy, Eric and I had come to the school, except Philip, Seth, John, and Minnie were dead, and I had scars covering my entire body.

The other Doveporters stared at me a lot, but they didn't ignore me and were still very kind to me. It felt good to be back with them inside our walls, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing.

It was the middle of the day and I was helping Amy furnish her and Eric's bedroom. There were plenty of arts and crafts inside the classrooms, and we were using them to create handmade decorations. The colorful paper was folded and cut out to look like animals. It wasn't much, but it was our way of welcoming our new, little community member.

I was using scissors to cut through some pink paper and Amy was taping something on the wall when she cleared her throat to speak.

"Do you think Negan will come back?"

I winced as she said his name—I had been trying to keep my mind off him ever since our ugly fight, and I knew she was asking what everyone else was thinking. Still, he was the last topic I wanted to discuss, even if I was wondering the same thing.

I let out a sigh and set the scissors down.

"I don't know, Amy."

Amy nodded and picked up a little purple paper elephant to tape on the wall.

"I don't like him, but I can't hate him," she said simply, her back facing me. "He saved all of us, and he took care of us for so long. I just feel like there's two sides to him, you know?"

"I don't want to talk about him." My tone was a little more harsh than I intended and Amy turned to me. She gave me a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

I avoided eye contact and picked up the scissors to cut out a little horse. We hadn't really talked much in recent days and it was my fault. I had shut down after Negan left because I was afraid to discuss what happened. I didn't want it to be real—my feelings for him and the fact I was the one who had pushed him away.

After a few minutes of silence, Amy came over to help me cut out more animals from the paper. She sat down on a little chair at the table and ran a hand through her red hair that she was wearing down instead of her usual ponytail.

"She's kickin' the shit outta me," she said with a small smile. I looked up at her stomach. "I'm nervous about giving birth without Dr. Carson. Makes me kind of regret leaving the Sanctuary a little bit," she admitted while rubbing her extended belly.

"It's gonna be okay," I reassured her.

"I know. But just in case it's not, promise me you'll do everything you can to save the baby."

"Amy, don't think about stuff like that." I looked at her sternly and at what she was implying. I knew we'd have to face her going into labor soon, but I was continously telling myself everything was going to go smoothly.

"Promise me, Elle. I want her to have a chance. I don't care if you have to cut her out of me… you do what's best for my little girl."

"It won't come to that," I said, shaking my head. I didn't want to face the idea of something so horrible, or of losing my best friend.

Just as I finished speaking, Eric came into the room in a bit of a rush. Amy and I looked up at him curiously.

"There's people at the gate," he informed us, a grim expression on his face. Amy glanced at me and we exchanged worried looks.

The last visitors we had nearly killed all of us.

We all headed outside and I could see Ryan standing by the closed gate. He also looked very concerned. I glanced down at my weapons holster to make sure my gun was there. This time I wouldn't hesitate to use it. I nodded at Ryan, signaling that it was okay for him to open the gate.

As the metal door was pulled open, I was met with a man that was standing right in front of me. He was tall and looked like he was in his mid to late thirties. He had short brown hair that was shaved in a buzz cut and neatly trimmed facial hair. He was wearing a green military jacket, and over his shoulder was a black strap that connected to an assault rifle. He gave me a friendly smile.

"Hello." He had a deep voice, and his entire demeanor was extremely relaxed. I studied him for a few seconds, and then I looked over his shoulder. Behind him there were five cars parked down the road from the entrance to the gate. I couldn't see how many people were with, but it was enough to be off-putting.

"Can I help you?" I asked, placing a hand on the gate. Ryan had only opened it just enough for me to greet the newcomer, but not enough for him to step through. I noticed he was trying to check out the school behind me.

"You have a really good setup here," he said, studying the stone wall. My heart rate increased as I watched him. It was like I was being transported back in time to when Caleb came to us asking for help.

It was all an act, and I wouldn't fall for it again.

My left hip was out of sight from the man behind the gate, and I let my hand rest over my gun that was holstered there, preparing to remove it if need be.

"Do you need something?" I asked very blatantly.

He laughed a bit and reached up to scratch his head.

"I'm certainly not here to borrow sugar. I mean.. Well…maybe I am. I'm here to trade supplies. We're looking for other communities to work with, and I heard you guys are good people."

I narrowed my eyes at him. He had 'heard we're good people'? From who?! The only group that knew we existed was Negan.

Unless Caleb's group was bigger than we thought…

"Are you gonna let me in?" he asked, leaning forward a bit. "I promise I don't bite."

"We don't have anything to trade," I said sternly, still peering at him.

"Oh, come on. We both know that's not true." The man gave me a judgmental look and then placed his hand on the gate. Time almost slowed as he went to pull it open. Before he could, I removed my ruger and pointed it right at his forehead.

He froze, and then slowly lifted his hands up. He stared in shock as I pressed the barrel of the gun into his head. I was considering pulling the trigger when a voice rang out and made me look up.

"Elle, don't!"

I could see someone get out of one of the cars behind the man. They came rushing over to where we were standing at the entrance of the school. I stared in confusion, not knowing if I could trust myself and what I was seeing. As they approached, my grip on the Ruger didn't falter, and I addressed the familiar face.

 _"Charlotte?"_


	29. Chapter 29: The Grass is Greener

"Put the gun down, Elle." Charlotte raised out a hand cautiously as she approached me; she had a nervous look on her face. Derek looked just as uneasy as I ignored Charlotte's request and continued to press the barrel of my Ruger into his forehead.

I didn't know what to think. The last time I saw Charlotte—and the only time I had ever seen her—was when I met her in the treehouse. I had gone out scavenging weeks ago and met her when I had tried to raid her stuff. She had tricked me into giving her gun back and after a short chat she sent me home with some peas. And I remembered when we had talked, she had said she wasn't with anyone.

I narrowed my eyes at her and watched as she studied me.

"Elle… what happened to you?" She regarded the scars on my arms in shock.

"You said you were alone." I ignored her question and challenged her lie. I wasn't about to start explaining what happened with Caleb to a group of people who could potentially be worse than he was—even if that wasn't possible.

"I can explain. Please, we just want to talk." Charlotte sounded desperate. I looked between her and the man in the army coat.

"Who is he?" I demanded, gesturing to him.

Charlotte took a deep breath as if she was doing her best to stay calm.

"His name is Derek. He's my brother."

 _Her brother?_

I stared at him and realized they looked similar; they both had the same shade of dark brown hair, they were both very tall and had the same oval shape face.

Derek gave his sister a worried look and then cleared his throat.

"We're not going to hurt you," he said in a reassuring voice.

"Shut up," Charlotte snapped, turning her attention on her brother. "I told you that you needed to let me do the talking. Now look what's happened." She gestured at the gun still aimed at his head. Derek rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but I spoke and cut him off.

"You need to leave," I addressed both of them. I didn't care why they were here—I couldn't trust either of them, especially after Charlotte had lied to me about surviving on her own.

"We need your help, Elle," Charlotte pleaded.

"I can't trust you," I responded icily, and glanced at Derek who was frowning at me. I needed to make sure they didn't get the upper hand and try to take the gun away.

Charlotte sighed and looked again at her brother. Her eyes went to the black strap hanging around his arm connecting to the long weapon.

"Give her the assault rifle," Charlotte ordered.

"What? You can't be serious!" Derek's head snapped to the side to look at his sister. The sudden movement caught me off guard and it took all my self control to not pull the trigger from the sudden jerking motion.

"We need to establish some trust here, Derek. Give it to her." By the look on her face, I could tell Charlotte was far from joking. She raised her eyebrows, giving her brother an expectant look, and at first he didn't react. Then, after a few drawn out moments, Derek grunted in irritation, and he pulled the strap away from his arm and held it out towards me.

Keeping the Ruger pointed at him, I reached out and took the sling into my hand and pulled the rifle from him. Ryan was still standing on the other side of the gate, and I took a few steps back and handed him the gun, careful not to let my guard down with Charlotte and Derek. Once the assault rifle was in Ryan's arms, I watched as Charlotte pulled out a gun—the same one I had seen in the treehouse. She held it down and out towards me. I took it from her in one quick motion.

"That's all our weapons. Can I come inside and talk? Derek will stay outside with the others. No funny business, I swear it."

I glanced between them. Derek seemed irritated, but he nodded in agreement with Charlotte. I considered my options. If I let them in and they tried anything, we would be in big trouble. They could ambush the school, and I still didn't know how many people were in this group. I had already made the mistake of letting in Caleb, and yet, there was something about the way Charlotte was looking at me. It seemed critical that we talk.

"Fine. But if you try anything, I'll kill you." The threat was extreme, but I meant it. I would not hesitate this time if I became even a little suspicious of her.

"Wouldn't expect anything less," Charlotte responded, nodding at me and smiling a little in what I assumed was an attempt to be amiable.

I gripped the gate with my free hand and pulled it part ways open so that Charlotte could enter, all while still aiming the gun at Derek to make sure he would stay back. Charlotte raised her hands up and held them out as she walked forward, moving by me to be on our side of the wall. Once she was inside, I closed the gate and watched as Derek disappeared from view, and then pointed the gun at Charlotte.

Using my freehand, I patted her down at her hips and legs to make sure there weren't any hidden weapons. Once I was satisfied she was completely unarmed, I took a step back.

"We can talk inside," I said, gesturing towards the building. With that, Charlotte turned and started making her way towards the school. I nodded to Ryan who was holding the assault rifle in his arms. At least if they tried something, we would have a fighting chance with the weapon.

When we entered through the front doors, the others had gathered to see what was happening. All eyes were on Charlotte and me as we headed towards the principal's office—the room that had clearly become the place for any and all meetings. I closed the door once we were inside and then rounded the desk. Charlotte sat in the chair on the opposite side, and I continued to point the gun at her. She didn't seem to mind that I was aiming it at her and instead gawked at me.

"What happened to you?" she asked again, referring to my scars. "Did Negan do that to you?"

"No," I responded fast in defense of him, and then gave her an accusatory look. I didn't remember mentioning his name to Charlotte when I had met her. Sure I had told her about the Saviors, but I didn't think she'd even remember them. Charlotte didn't appear to believe me that he didn't do it, but I didn't need to convince her, and decided to cut to the chase.

"What do you want, Charlotte?" I asked in a cold voice.

She nodded and finally stopped ogling the marks on my skin.

"Right to it then…" She took a deep breath and then met my gaze.

"I told you I was on my own because at the time I was. Derek and I were together when the outbreak happened, but we had some… disagreements on how things should be ran. I left the group because I didn't like how he was doing things. I was living on my own when you found my treehouse. I didn't lie, but shortly after you and I met I went back to Derek and Greenbrier. That's where we live; it's a mall. Derek and I let our people vote on who should lead, and they chose him. I've been with them since, and I wasn't even going to tell them about the school, but then yesterday…" Charlotte trailed off and swallowed hard.

"We met Negan. He came to Greenbrier and demanded that we work for him. He took a ton of our shit and said if we refused to work for him, he'd start killing us until we got the memo."

Well, that sure sounded like Negan.

I wasn't shocked that Negan would say or do those things, but it was interesting to hear what he had been up to in the last weeks since leaving Doveport alone. Apparently he had found a new settlement to dig his claws into.

"Do the Saviors still come here?" Charlotte asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shifted uncomfortably, not even knowing where to begin with that. I stopped aiming the gun at Charlotte, not feeling like she was a threat anymore. She wasn't armed, and I kept the gun in my hand and at the ready if I needed it. Charlotte's group wasn't like Caleb's—they were like us, trying to figure out a way to make things work while being under Negan's thumb.

"We haven't seen Negan in a few weeks," I admitted. "We don't think he's coming back."

"How the hell did you manage to pull that off?" Charlotte inquired.

I gave a short laugh and looked over at the window briefly. The answer to that was a bit complicated—I had been through a lot with Negan, and had gotten quite close with him in the last months. But Negan was like fire, and I had burned myself. I had hurt him, and he had hurt me. Whatever had been happening was done and over, and I hated to even think that I might not see him again.

"I don't know," I muttered, giving her a slight shrug. "He just stopped coming here." It wasn't exactly a lie. I knew why, but I also thought he would return. Every day I expected to see his smug face, but he never showed.

"He said we need to get him shit every week. The mall has a few things, but we can't afford to be giving him all we have. Derek wants to fight back, but I'm worried he's going to get us all killed." Charlotte let out a deep sigh. "I know you don't trust me. I understand why you don't, but I'm here to ask that Doveport help Greenbrier gather supplies."

I really should have seen it coming. They were in the same predicament that we had been in for weeks of trying to keep Negan and his men happy. Charlotte seemed more of a peacekeeper, where her brother came off a bit cocky. I understood their frustrations, but it wasn't fair that just when we thought we were free of Negan's clutches, we were once again being asked to deliver supplies to him.

Except this time we would be the middleman.

"We've been doing well on our own," I explained, not wanting to agree to help people we didn't even know. Sure generosity was important, but not at the cost of our lives.

"Please," Charlotte said. "We're not asking for much. And it's not just a one-way street. We'll bring you guys stuff, too. We will agree to any rules you wanna set. No weapons inside the school. Anything. We need friends more than ever right now."

 _Friends._

It was the use of that word that caught my attention. I was very hesitant to help Charlotte and her community, but perhaps that was because after what happened with Caleb, I wasn't as trusting as I used to be. Charlotte hadn't given me a reason not to trust her yet, and was trying very hard to work with us.

I glanced down at the gun that was still in my hand that I had stopped aiming at her and realized I was acting paranoid. These people were just scared of Negan, something Doveport didn't have to be anymore. We could help them, and maybe I'd be able to see Negan and apologize about bringing up his wife.

"No weapons, vehicles stay outside the gate, and I want to talk to your brother before we officially agree to anything." If he was the leader of Greenbrier, then I needed to discuss this with him. "And if we ask you to leave, you will leave."

Charlotte nodded, agreeing to everything I said. I stood up from behind the desk and headed over to the door. I opened it to find Eric, Amy, and Vivienne were gathered in the hallway, waiting.

"There's a man outside the gate. Can you guys go get him?" I asked. Amy and Eric both nodded and made their way to the front doors of the school. Vivienne peaked inside the office to look at Charlotte curiously. Charlotte smiled warmly at her. I went back into the office with Charlotte and waited, and a few minutes later, Derek entered. He reached out a large hand towards me.

"We should probably do a proper introduction," he said with a big grin. "And no hard feelings about pointing the gun in my face. I get that a lot."

I chuckled and shook his hand firmly. Derek was a very straightforward person.

"Charlotte mentioned that you've met Negan." I continued to get right to it, same as I had with Charlotte. Derek's face turned sour, and he let go of my hand and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, we've all met that bastard." Derek huffed and leaned against the wall all while looking around the office. "Negan came to Greenbrier a few days ago," he said.

"I know, Charlotte told me."

"Did Charlotte mention how he threatened us? How he said that if we didn't do what he said that he's gonna start killing people?" Derek's voice had a bit of an edge to it, and he glared at the ground as he spoke.

"Yeah, that's how he is." I thought back to the recent event of him burning one of his men's faces for trying to run. He was capable of all sorts of horrible acts. Charlotte and Derek didn't even know the half of it.

"Has he ever killed any of your people?" Derek inquired. I began to shake my head, but stopped.

 _Seth._

He took a Savior hostage in the gym and I had tried to talk him out of it. He had almost let the Savior go, and then Negan shot him. It wasn't that I had forgotten about Seth—I didn't think I'd ever be able to forget the sight of his body dropping right in front of me. It had been so long, and so much had happened since then. I couldn't rationalize it, but I didn't blame Negan for it.

"Yeah," I admitted, staring off into space. I didn't want to lie to Derek and Charlotte right off the bat, and decided to be honest. "One of my friends took a Savior hostage. Negan shot him."

Charlotte didn't seem surprised and Derek shook his head in disgust.

"We need to stop him," he said low. I could see the look in his eyes—he was determined.

"It's too dangerous to attack Negan and his men," Charlotte spoke up, "Right now we need to focus on gathering supplies and building some trust with Doveport here."

"We're willing to give some vegetables and can go back to siphoning gas if you're willing to trade some items from the mall," I said. "That's what we were giving Negan when he was still coming here."

"He doesn't come here?" Derek asked in surprise. I shook my head.

"No, not anymore."

Derek got a skeptical look on his face as his eyes scanned over me. Charlotte had been much more trusting with me, but Derek was guarded. I wondered if that's why he was the leader. After all, I was just as cautious and I was the leader of my group.

A few seconds passed, and then he seemed to accept what I said and continued on.

"We'll visit a few times a week so our people can get to know each other," Derek offered.

"Sure, but no weapons inside the school. There's no need for them. The walkers can't get inside the walls."

Derek hesitated to agree, but after a few seconds he reached out his hand again.

"You have a deal, Elle."

I shook his hand and then extended mine towards Charlotte to shake hers too. Derek's eyes trailed over my arms and then focused on my neck.

"Did Negan do that?" he asked, studying the spot where Caleb had tried to slit my throat. I immediately frowned and averted my eyes. I was getting real sick of everyone thinking Negan would hurt me. Sure he could act like a damn bully, but Negan was not Caleb.

"No, it was another guy. Not one of the Saviors," I quickly added. Derek nodded slowly and continued to stare. "It was a group like yours. They asked for our help, and their leader liked blood… and cutting things."

Charlotte and Derek both looked disgusted and I gave a short chuckle.

"You should see the rest of me," I said, staring down at my body. They couldn't see the healed cuts that were covered by my shirt and pants, and I was grateful for that. I had to live with a daily reminder of what happened, but I was finally starting to get used to my scars.

"I'm sorry," Derek said, and I looked back up at him with a thin smile.

"It's okay. He's dead now." I chose not to tell them that it was Negan who killed Caleb and rescued us. They already saw Negan as a monster, and I wasn't ready to defend Negan yet.

"Well, we can bring a few men tomorrow, if that works for you guys," Derek suggested, while making his way over to exit the room.

"Sounds good to me," I opened the office door to let Derek and Charlotte out. We walked into the hallway where the others were still gathered, and I noticed Charlotte's gaze went straight to Amy. She stared at her stomach for a few moments before giving her a kind smile. Amy grinned back as they walked by and headed for the front doors of the school.

I made sure Derek got his assault rifle back, but continued to hold my Ruger in my hands until they got into one of the cars. Then I watched as all five vehicles drove away, and I waited until they were out of sight.

I closed the gate just as Vivienne, Eric and Amy joined me. They all seemed very curious and a little hesitant.

"Elle, who was that?" Eric asked.

I made sure the gate was locked and then turned to them with an uncertain look on my face.

"Friends… I think."


	30. Chapter 30: Break Bread

I asked Amy, Eric and Vivienne to meet with me in the teacher's lounge so we could discuss helping Greenbrier and our plans for when Derek and Charlotte would be visiting us the next day. After they had been upset with me for not telling them about Negan's offer to more to the Sanctuary, I felt it paramount that I keep my friends informed on what was happening with our new potential allies. We sat down on the couches in the room; Amy was next to Eric, and Vivienne sat down next to me.

"So?" I asked, glancing at each of their faces. "What do you guys think about Greenbrier?"

"I think we need to tread carefully." Vivienne spoke first, and she reached up to fix her hair into a ponytail. I noticed that the brown had faded and it was almost completely grey now.

"Absolutely. We can't put our people's safety on the line again," I agreed, and looked over to where Eric had his arm around Amy. We all had Caleb on the mind and didn't want to go through anything like that ever again.

"What do they want?" Eric asked. He appeared to be concerned and skeptical about Greenbrier, and I couldn't blame him, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. I knew that the conversation was inevitable, but I still wanted to avoid it.

I wasn't eager to bring up Negan with my friends, but Negan was the reason Derek and Charlotte were asking for our help. Until recently, Negan had had a choke-hold on Doveport, and we were finally starting to feel like we could breathe again. Still, I promised my friends I would be honest going forward, so I was upfront with them.

"Negan is demanding that Greenbrier give him supplies."

The moment his name left my lips I could see the uneasiness in all of their faces. Amy rolled her eyes.

"Of course." She brought a hand up to her forehead and rubbed her temple as if the mention of Negan made her head hurt.

"I told them we would help them if they helped us. They said they'd bring stuff from the mall if we give gas and vegetables," I explained. "We can see how tomorrow goes and then go from there."

The others just nodded and didn't seem upset, which surprised me. I figured they wouldn't be excited to technically be working for Negan again, but Derek and Charlotte hadn't given us a reason not to like them yet. If everyone was willing to give them a chance, this alliance could prove to be good for us.

"Ryan and I will pat them down and check them for any weapons before they come into the school," Eric said.

"Good idea. They agreed to park outside too. I really think we can trust these guys." I didn't know if I was trying to convince them or myself. "Is everyone okay with that?"

"Let's just see what happens tomorrow." Vivienne stood up as she spoke. "We can make more decisions once we know what kind of people we're dealing with."

She was right. We needed to establish trust with Greenbrier, and the only way to do that was to meet with them. So far our relationship with them was shaky at best, and we had to make sure they weren't a threat to us while also showing them that we meant well.

"Okay. Get a good night's rest." I nodded at Vivienne, and she gave me a thin smile before exiting the room. She had been working a lot in the garden and I could tell she was exhausted. It didn't help that we had the added stress of dealing with a new community.

Eric stood up and offered his wife a hand to help her off the couch, but she shooed it away.

"I'm right behind you. I need to talk to Elle before I hit the hay."

"Okay, babe." Eric leaned over and kissed her quickly and then turned to me. "Goodnight, Elle."

"Night," I said to him, but my eyes were on Amy who was staring at her lap. Eric left the room, and Amy didn't say anything right away. I chewed my lip anxiously and watched her, not knowing what she wanted to talk about.

"Amy?" I finally asked, getting nervous at her silence.

She let out a sigh and finally looked at me.

"I want to know what happened with Negan."

"Nothing happened." My answer came out just a little too fast.

"Oh, come on Elle. We all heard you yelling…" She gave me a stern look and I avoided her gaze. I remembered seeing my friends out in the hallway when Negan and I had our fight, and I was really hoping they hadn't heard anything. Apparently they had.

"I don't get it," she continued. "When we were living at the Sanctuary, Negan said he wanted us to stay there with him. He shows us this torture show, and then that same day brings us home…"

"I told him to." I cut her off to interject, and her eyes widened in surprise.

"What?" she asked confused.

"After you told me about how Negan made you guys watch him burn that guy's face, I told him to bring you home." I hadn't thought he would do it, but Negan had personally drove them home while I was still locked up in "rehab".

Amy nodded slowly, "But then what happened?"

I didn't answer her right away and tried to figure out how much I could tell her. My biggest fear was that Amy would judge me for how close I had gotten to Negan. She was my best friend; if I could talk to anyone, it was Amy, but I didn't even know what to make of it.

"I came home," I said simply.

Amy gave me a judgmental look. "Don't give me that bullshit, Elle."

I let out a heavy sigh and closed my eyes.

"Negan ended my rehab and I got my own room. I couldn't sleep that night, so I… _visited him_." I glanced over at her to see her reaction at what I was implying.

"You did WHAT?!" Amy's eyes damned near popped out of her head. A smile slowly started to spread on her mouth, and then she let out a laugh while shaking her head. "I knew it."

"What are we, twelve?" I asked incredulously. Amy snickered a few more times, and once she regained her composure, her brow furrowed.

"So why the yelling?"

"I didn't sleep with him. He wouldn't let me." I shrugged.

"Okay, now THAT I find hard to believe." Amy frowned and stared at me in disbelief.

"Amy, I'm serious. I went to him in the middle of the night and we got close, but he put a stop to it. I saw A.J…" I trailed off, trying to ignore the awkward memory as best as I could. I hadn't been hallucinating since coming back to Doveport, and I didn't want it to start back up.

"Elle, I'm so sorry." Amy gave me a sympathetic look. Other than Negan and the few men at the Sanctuary who were a witness to the aftermath, Amy was the only person who knew what had happened with A.J.

"Negan brought me home the next morning. I thought it was because I hadn't slept with him, but he was the one who stopped it, not me. I wanted to be with him, Amy. There's even a part of me that still does…" I trailed off at my sudden confession and then quickly continued. "I said some really horrible things to him. He told me some stuff about his life before and I used it as ammo again him." I shook my head in disgust at myself. Bringing up Lucille had just been wrong. He had opened up to me, and I used her to hurt him.

"People say things they don't mean. We make mistakes." She watched me with concern as I felt my eyes start to water.

"What if he never comes back? What if I never see him again and I can't apologize for it?" I bit my lip and fought the tears. I didn't want to cry over it, but it had been weeks since I had seen him.

"You'll see him again, Elle. If I know Negan, he'll be back. He can never stay away for too long," she assured me.

"I don't know. It was a pretty ugly fight." I sniffled and swallowed hard.

"Elle, listen to me. I watched him burn a guy's face for breaking his precious rules. You lied to him, and he offered you a chance to live with him. You took one of his men hostage, and he kissed you. You stole pain medication, and the man created a rehabilitation center in his own bedroom. He's soft on you because he cares about you. He has for a very long time, and he will come back."

I nodded, but I wasn't sure if I believed her or not. Amy made some good points on Negan going easy on me—something I had probably taken for granted, but Amy hadn't seen the entire fight. She hadn't heard him say he should have left me with Caleb. Sure Negan and I had bickered before, but this time felt so final.

I really hated to admit it, but I missed him. I had been pretending like I didn't care for the past couple weeks since our fight, but Amy reminded me that Negan never stayed away for long.

"Thanks, Amy," I said giving her a small smile. I was feeling a little hopeful about seeing Negan again.

"Hey, what are best friends for? Now help me off this couch so I can go catch some Z's. We got a big day tomorrow."

* * *

Charlotte and Derek arrived just before noon; a single compact car pulled up to the gate and parked outside. We opened the gate part ways so that they'd be able to enter, and Eric and Ryan patted everyone down.

Including the siblings, there were three others who entered; two men and a woman. They looked just as nervous as I felt, but I gave the newcomers a welcoming smile as we checked them for any hidden weapons. I was relieved once the searches were completed and nothing was found hiding on our guests.

I wasn't entirely sure how this meeting would go or what I should say, so I was grateful when Amy stepped up and introduced herself. Everyone stared at her in surprise, and Derek's eyes went to her extended stomach.

"You're pregnant," he said, dumbfounded. He seemed very off-put by the fact Amy was going to be a mother soon.

"And?" She turned to face Derek, but she was calm and not in the least offended. "Women have been giving birth for hundreds of years."

"Good point. Congratulations." Derek let out a laugh and reached up to rub his shoulder as if he was embarrassed for even bringing it up. Charlotte remained quiet, but her gaze was locked on Amy's stomach.

"Thank you." Amy gave him a kind smile.

We gave Greenbrier the tour, showing them Vivienne's garden and the entire building. Derek seemed impressed with the amount of food we had managed to stock up, and Charlotte made comment that the classroom bedrooms were "clever". Doveport wasn't much, but I couldn't help but feel proud as I showed them around the school.

Amy and Charlotte walked together and had started a conversation about how Amy's pregnancy was going. Derek seemed more interested in getting to know the layout of the school, but Charlotte was less focused on the building and was more intrigued by the people—especially Amy. The two women would occasionally laugh about something that I couldn't hear as they walked together.

We were inside Amy and Eric's bedroom when Charlotte noticed the ultrasound picture that was taped to the wall near the baby's area we had set up. She approached the black and white image and studied it for a while, and then spoke.

"Were you pregnant before?" Charlotte asked Amy.

"No, this is my first. The ultrasound came from the Sanctuary," Amy explained. Derek and Charlotte both seemed shocked at this revelation, but Amy elaborated. "We lived with Negan for a while after Caleb came to Doveport."

"Caleb?" Derek asked, glancing over at me. "Is he the one who did that to you?" His eyes immediately went to my permanent reminder that decorated my body. I nodded and averted my eyes, not wanting to have to relive that nightmare again.

"Negan saved us from him," Amy piped in, sensing that I was getting uncomfortable. "We stayed at the factory for a few weeks, and then he brought us home. They have a doctor and an ultrasound machine, so we know it's a girl."

A smile appeared on Charlotte's face, but it was almost sad. Derek glanced at his sister and then cleared his throat.

"He lives in a factory?" he asked, directing the question at me.

"Yeah, but we don't know where it is. He's always made me wear a black bag over my face when he took me there." I remembered the suffocating feeling of the dark bag sitting over my face.

"Us too," Amy added, confirming what I had already assumed—he had made sure no one at Doveport knew where the Sanctuary was.

"Want to see the gym?" Eric asked, popping his head into the room. Derek and Charlotte followed him out into the hall and Amy gave me a small smile as we left the room.

Once we finished the tour, Vivienne suggested we have lunch together. We entered into the cafeteria and sat down at the long lunch tables. The other Doveporters watched curiously as Derek, Charlotte and their men sat down with Amy, Eric, and me. Vivienne carried out a large pot and dished up the bowls of the other Doveporters, and then brought the metal pot over to our table and set it down in the center.

"Eat up," she said with a big smile. Vivienne had prepared a vegetable stew just for Greenbrier. The added spices wafted up into the air, and I inhaled the heavenly scent.

"That smells amazing!" Charlotte leaned over the table to look inside at the steaming food.

"Vivienne is also a really great cook. We'd all starve if it wasn't for her," Amy explained, beaming at Vivienne as she used a ladle to fill each of our bowls.

"Oh, stop." Vivienne chuckled and then sat down at our table once everyone had been served.

"Well thank you, Vivienne. We really appreciate this." Derek nodded at her and lifted his spoon up his mouth and took a big bite.

No one spoke as we ate; the room was silent all except for the sound of metal spoons hitting the sides of glass bowls. Everyone still seemed apprehensive, but I didn't know how to fix that. What did people used to do in situations like these? Small talk? I chewed my food slowly, hoping someone else would take it upon themselves to break the ice.

"So, Vivienne," Derek spoke up, and I felt a huge sense of relief. "You're the one who works on the garden?"

"Everyone helps out, but yeah. My mother taught me everything I could ever need to know about working in the dirt." Vivienne answered him between bites.

"Elle said you guys live inside of a mall?" Eric asked, looking across the table at Derek, who nodded and swallowed his stew before answering.

"Yeah, we've been there for quite some time. We have everything set up on the second floor. The first floor is barricaded off, and there's this makeshift elevator that is cranked up with this nifty pulley system one of our men designed."

I had been watching Derek as he talked, but couldn't help but glance over at Charlotte whose expression turned grim as Derek talked about the mall. She looked down at her bowl, but didn't say anything. It wasn't my place to ask her what was wrong, but I could tell something was making her uncomfortable.

"That's really smart," I piped in, looking back to Derek who nodded.

"Thanks, but it's not as good as a stone wall. How long have you been in charge, Elle?" Derek asked me. I took a deep breath and stared down at my bowl.

"I wasn't always the leader. There was a man who created this place… Philip…" I trailed off as I mentioned my late friend, and I noticed the others hanged their heads down quietly. He was a hard topic to talk about. When no one said anything, Derek cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to talk about it—"

"No, it's okay. We can talk about it," I insisted. "We all really loved him. One of Negan's men killed him."

It was like I had flipped a switch. The moment I said his name, everyone's entire demeanor changed. Doveport still became uneasy when I mentioned him, but everyone from Greenbrier tensed up and Derek's sympathetic expression soured. He set his spoon down and looked up at me.

"How many people has Negan killed here?" he asked in a low voice.

"It wasn't like that. Negan left and put one of his men in charge of us—a guy named Adam. He was absolutely horrible." I shook my head and tried to not picture the tattooed man that had tormented us and took away our friend.

"Worse than Negan, if you guys can believe it." Amy added, shuddering as if she was trying to forget him too.

"He wouldn't let us collect enough supplies, and when we couldn't provide anything, he shot Phil. Negan showed up and then…"

I stopped and wondered if I should keep talking. I didn't know if I could tell Charlotte and Derek about killing Adam. They both watched me, waiting for me to continue, and I knew I shouldn't lie to them. Lies had gotten us into enough trouble, and we were trying to establish trust.

"Negan let me kill Adam," I confessed, looking down. I didn't want to see their reactions. No one said anything for a few moments and I could only guess what they were thinking.

"He let you?" Charlotte asked quietly.

"Yeah. He gave me his bat, and I was just so angry. He shot Phil in the head, in front of all of us. He spat on his corpse. And I… I…" I remembered letting my rage completely overtake me and I stared off into space as the memory flooded back. The feeling of the wooden bat grasped tightly in my grip, and the loud cracking sound as it connected with Adam's head.

It still didn't feel real—it was like I had become possessed by some sort of demon that was born from so much fury and wrath. Adam's back had been facing me, and I just wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt Philip. I wanted to teach him a lesson. I wanted him to die, so I killed him.

I was lost in the violent memory and almost didn't hear Vivienne as she started to get up from the table. I blinked a few times and noticed everyone had finished eating and was watching me concerned.

"It's such a lovely day. Why don't we all go outside and enjoy some fresh air?" Vivienne announced, as she started to gather everyone's bowls.

Telling Greenbrier about what I had done had been a huge mistake, and now they were going to think I was crazy. I swallowed hard and stared down at my lap, feeling embarrassed. Sure I wasn't hallucinating anymore, but my bad memories still had a way of haunting me even at Doveport.

"That sounds nice," Charlotte said, getting up from the table. "I can tell Amy more about those outlet stores we have."

I didn't bother to look up as Amy, Eric, Ryan, Charlotte and the others filed out of the room and headed towards the front doors. My stomach was in knots and I clenched my fists at my side, angry with myself for being so stupid.

"Elle?"

I glanced up to see Derek had lingered back and was watching me with a strange look. He seemed almost empathetic towards me, and I scrunched my brow.

"I get it," he said quietly, locking eyes with me. "I understand."

With that, Derek turned and headed down the hall to follow the others outside. I wondered what he meant by that. Derek was a survivor too, so maybe he had done things that haunted him too. There was something about him—something in his eyes that made me think he was a kindred spirit.

I joined the others outside just as Derek and Charlotte were headed over to the gate. As I approached, I overhead Charlotte talking about a baby store.

"It's completely untouched, and there's plenty of stuff there. I can bring you some things, if you want," Charlotte offered to Amy.

"Yes, please. I'll take anything I can get." Amy seemed almost hopeful at the mention of getting baby supplies.

"Thank you for the lunch," Derek said, turning to me and reaching out his hand. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to come back in a couple days and bring a few different people. I want Greenbrier to get used to working with Doveport."

I took his hand and shook it, but felt surprised. I really thought they would be disgusted with me and how I had killed Adam, but looking at their faces I could tell they weren't fazed. Instead, both Derek and Charlotte were giving me sympathetic smiles as if they understood what I had done.

"Absolutely." I nodded at him, "We'll see you in a few days then."

Derek and Charlotte waved goodbye to us, and then headed to their car. As it pulled away and drove off down the road, I realized our meeting had actually gone well.

And I wondered if this was how civilizations were built.


	31. Chapter 31: Motherly

When Derek and Charlotte visited for the second time, they parked two cars right outside of the gate. Charlotte grinned wide at me and gestured with her thumb over her shoulder towards the trunk.

"We brought some goodies for ya."

I was still being wary and asked to look and see what they were bringing in. Derek was already opening the back hatch of the other car, but he took a step back so I could check it out.

I stared into the open trunk in amazement; they had brought us a whole bunch of different things. Some boxes had brand new clothes that were neatly folded and packed for us. There were enough shirts and pants to give everyone at Doveport an entire wardrobe. A few boxes had baby supplies, including clothes, toys, diapers, wipes, and even a pack-and-play. Charlotte wiggled her eyebrows at me, and I could tell she was eager to see Amy's reaction to all of it.

"And this," Derek said, pulling out a box from the backseat of one of the cars and holding it out to me. "Is for Vivienne."

I took the box from him and opened the cardboard flaps. Inside was an assortment of gardening tools: a few pairs of gloves, some little shovels and a digging fork. I could tell they had never been used before and I closed the box and smiled up at Derek.

"She's going to love them." I hoisted the box onto my hip and gestured towards the open gate, giving them permission to go in.

"We also brought some food and some soap for you guys. Not that you smell bad or anything." Charlotte quipped as she followed me through the gate while carrying a box.

"Charlotte!" Amy hurried over to greet our visitors, and Charlotte beamed at her.

"Hello, Amy. I brought you some things. Can I bring this inside?" Charlotte held out the box that had a ton of baby clothes inside of it.

"Oh wow, thank you! We can put it in my room. Eric can help carry some stuff." Eric had walked over to his wife and smiled at Derek who was walking through the gate with another box of supplies. Eric took the box away from Derek and then followed Charlotte and Amy inside the school leaving me with Derek.

"We seriously can't thank you guys enough." I followed him back to his car to fetch more boxes.

"Don't mention it. It's the least we can do." Derek gave me a friendly smile while handing me the pack-and-play.

"Vivienne's working on lunch. You guys are more than welcome to stay and eat with us again," I offered while transporting the large box through the gate and setting it down against the wall. Derek carried a few more, and then let out a heavy sigh.

"I appreciate the offer Elle, but we have to get back soon. Negan's supposed to show up this evening and we need to be ready for him."

I became both nervous and excited at the mention of Negan. It was strange hearing about him visiting Greenbrier, but it was the only way I knew what he was up to. I was frowning while thinking about his avoidance of Doveport and Derek noticed.

"Don't worry. We have plenty of supplies to give him. I'm sure it'll be enough to keep him happy this week." Derek turned to head back out the gate to get more boxes. We continued to talk as we transported them from the trunk.

"We'll send some gas with you. Next time you come here we should have some vegetables too." I wanted to help them, especially after they were being so generous in giving us so many supplies. Plus I knew Negan could always use gasoline.

"Thanks." He seemed worried, and I tilted my head.

"Derek, are you sure it's okay?" I studied his face as we both stood next to the trunk of his car and he froze from picking up a box. He closed his eyes for a few seconds and then looked right at me.

"No. It's not okay. Negan said he would come to the mall once a week, but he showed up two days ago demanding more stuff. It pissed me off so bad I blew up at him, and he almost killed one of my men. He said he'd be back tonight to get more shit, so we wanted to bring you guys the clothes and food before he takes everything. He's gonna make our lives hell."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, shaking my head. Negan was bullying Greenbrier, and it made me feel disgusted and disappointed. I may not have known Derek and Charlotte well, but they had been good to us and they didn't deserve to be treated this way.

"We'll be alright," Derek assured me while bringing a box through the gate. I followed him just in time to see Charlotte coming back over to us. She smiled at me and then glanced down at her wrist where a black, digital watch was.

"Derek, we better head back." She appeared to be almost worried, and I immediately felt for them. I knew what it was like to try and keep Negan happy and to be scared that everything they had to give wasn't going to be enough—that one slip up would result in someone's death.

"Yeah, I know. Elle and I got the rest of the boxes, so we're good to go," Derek said.

"Thank you guys so much," I said gratefully and they both smiled.

"See you later, Elle," Charlotte replied, and headed out the gate towards the car. I watched her go, but Derek hesitated. He was watching his sister too, and then turned back to me.

"Is it okay if we come back in three days?" he asked me.

"Sure. That works for us. Not like we're going anywhere." I smirked at him and he let out a soft chuckle. He had started to head over to the car when I took a few steps out beyond the gate.

"Derek?" I asked, stopping him in his tracks. "Please be careful."

He opened the car door and grinned through the window at me.

"Always."

* * *

Our friendship with Greenbrier blossomed quickly, and every few days Derek and Charlotte would visit us at the school. Not only did we build trust, but we also formed a mutual respect for one another.

In the short time, Amy and Charlotte became good friends, and I was happy for them. I didn't really feel like I was bonding with anyone from Greenbrier, and I wondered if that was because of the trauma I'd been through. I was less willing to open up to others, and my social skills were suddenly non-existent. But Derek and the others didn't seem to mind. In fact, Derek almost appeared to have that in common with me.

He would stand off to the side and watch as our communities intermingled. I was shocked one day to see Eric approach him and ask for Derek's help working on our car. Derek agreed, and they spent the day fixing the engine. Some of the others from Greenbrier showed an interest in Vivienne's garden, and they would gather by the mesh fence and watch her in fascination. Soon she was giving tips and teaching them her gardening skills. It made me think back to how she taught some of the people from the Sanctuary.

But this time was different.

This time we were home.

Our deal continued, and every evening Eric and I would go out to search for gas to give to Greenbrier, and Vivienne worked in the garden to give them fresh food. In exchange, they brought us clean clothes from the mall. We never argued about what was fair or not, and each trade seemed to end with both communities happy about the outcome.

One day, Charlotte brought Amy a pink Prada bag that was from one of the outlet stores in the mall. Amy broke down into tears and thanked her profusely as she took the bag into her arms and stared down at it like a kid on Christmas.

For the first time in a really long time, things felt good.

I was leaning against the stone wall watching Charlotte and Amy put together a stroller one afternoon while Greenbrier was visiting. It was a nice feeling to see everyone getting alone so well, and I smiled as I watched them laugh as they worked on putting the wheels in place. I hadn't even noticed Derek had joined me until he let out a long sigh.

"She used to be a mom," he said plainly.

He took me off guard, and my head snapped to the side to look at him confused. It took me a few seconds until I realized he was referring to Charlotte. I glanced over to her and then back to him.

 _Used to be?_

I didn't ask out loud and instead waited for Derek to explain. He took a few moments before continuing.

"She doesn't like to talk about it. My sister tries to block it out. She had two little girls—my nieces—Chelsea and Harley…"

I could tell by the way he spoke about them that they were dead. Derek's face was stoic, but there was a hint of pain in his eyes as he continued.

"She had a husband—Sam. He was my best friend, and we worked together to build Greenbrier. He's the one who built the elevator I told you about. He was smart like that. Hell of a guy…" Derek smiled as if talking about his friend brought him joy, and then his expression turned grim.

"We went to go visit another community. There was this group of people that lived inside this big apartment complex called 'Riverside'. They had children there, and I wanted my nieces to be around other kids. I didn't want them to live every single day in fear. I needed them to know that there were good people out there, and not just the monsters."

Derek swallowed hard and then stared down at the ground.

"Charlotte didn't want to go, but I convinced her we needed to—for her girls. She was scared it wasn't going to be safe, but Sam assured her that everything would be fine. We got everything ready and drove to the apartments the next day. It happened to fast, and there were only a couple of survivors who are with us now. We'd have never known what happened if they hadn't told us. One of their scavengers got bit and didn't tell the others."

Derek took a deep breath before he went on.

"We were already inside when we thought something might be wrong. Sam and I went to go check it out, and Charlotte stayed on the first floor with the girls. Once we realized the place had become overrun, Sam wanted to try and help get the survivors out of there. They were trapped upstairs, so we went to go help them. We had no idea how bad it was…" Derek finally looked up at me and his eyes were watering. "We didn't know we were leaving Charlotte on the first floor with an entire group of the dead."

I closed my eyes, knowing what that meant. I couldn't even imagine, but Derek still spoke.

"She tried to protect them. She tried to get out of there, but her girls were too little and too scared. Sam and I were on the third floor, and we were trying to help the survivors evacuate when he got bit. A biter snuck up on him. There were so many of them, and we were too overwhelmed. Sam sacrificed himself; he let the biters into an apartment room and gave his life so we could escape. He didn't even know that his girls were already gone."

I felt sick to my stomach as I listened to Derek's story. Sure I had lost people too, but nothing quite so horrific. Charlotte had lost her entire family in a matter of seconds. I couldn't even imagine. She had watched her daughters get killed. I looked over to where she was helping Amy with the stroller and shook my head in disbelief.

"How can someone move on from something so horrible?" I wondered out loud.

"She doesn't handle it well. She got rid of all the kids' stuff, and won't even speak their names. She blamed me, and that's why she was living in the treehouse. She never wanted to go to that apartment, and I convinced her to. She left the mall for months after it happened, and when she finally came back, I swore to myself I'd do everything I could to protect her. She's my sister, Elle. She's the only family I've got left. I will do anything to keep her and my people safe."

I faced him and once again saw that determined look on his face.

"I'm going to kill Negan."

My blood turned cold and I had to force myself not to gulp. I knew Derek wasn't joking around, and I waited for him to explain, but he seemed to be waiting for my reaction. I exhaled my breath and hoped I didn't look as disapproving as I felt about that idea.

"You need to think about this," I warned him, choosing my words carefully.

" I have Elle. I can't rest until that man is dead."

I looked back at everyone that was outside and suddenly realized what was happening.

We had aligned ourselves with Greenbrier.

He didn't need us to help give Negan supplies—he needed us to help fight the Saviors.

But Derek didn't know how close I was with Negan, or how close I used to be with him. Negan hadn't been around in over a month, and I was convinced he had given up on us. He didn't even know about Doveport's alliance with Greenbrier.

We were going to have to pick a side, and I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't help Derek kill Negan, but I also didn't want to see anything bad happen to Greenbrier. Derek wanted to start a war, and I wanted to remain neutral.

"Negan has a lot of men," I pointed out to him. "Charlotte said you need to focus on getting him supplies. I think you should listen to your sister's wisdom." I hoped bringing up Charlotte would help change Derek's mind, though it seemed fairly made up. I was surprised when Derek nodded slowly and looked over to where Charlotte and Amy were.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm just so angry. He's an infuriating prick." Derek grumbled.

"I know what you mean," I responded, recalling my recent fight with Negan and how ugly things had turned. I didn't hate Negan as much as Derek did, and I certainly didn't want him dead, but I understood the frustration he was feeling having to deal with Negan.

"Thanks for listening," Derek said, giving me a warm smile. "Is it okay if we come visit tomorrow?"

I nodded. He always asked permission and it was sweet. "You guys are always welcome here, Derek."

He reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed.

"Thank you, Elle."

I remained in my spot by the wall as Derek called for Charlotte and the others to get ready to leave. Charlotte held her arms out to Amy, and I watched as the two of them hugged each other goodbye. A few other Doveporters shook hands with some of the Greenbriers, and then our friends went home.

* * *

The next day I was outside helping Vivienne in her garden. We were collecting vegetables to give to Greenbrier and visiting about dinner ideas when I heard the sound of a vehicle approaching the gate. Ryan had been helping Eric with the car and started to head over to let our friends in when I hurried to my feet and called over to him.

"I got it!"

I was actually excited to see Derek and Charlotte. Their visits had become the highlight of my day, and we all looked forward to when they would come to the school. Vivienne had grown some huge carrots, and I was eager to give them to our new friends. Derek had specifically asked if we could grow some for him, and we were going to surprise him with them. Vivienne had already been growing the crop for weeks, and was very proud of how they turned out.

I placed my hand on the metal gate and unlocked it, a big smile forming on my face. We had stopped doing pat-downs, but I still asked them to keep their cars parked outside. Derek and Charlotte were more than happy to abide by our rules and make us comfortable, and it made that mutual trust between us even stronger.

I pulled the gate open part-ways and froze.

It wasn't Greenbrier's cars parked in front of our gate.

Instead, a familiar supply truck was pulled up and parked before me. My eyes went from it to the man standing directly in front of me and leaning on a barbed-wire baseball bat.

"Hello, Elle," Negan said with a shit eating grin spread on his face.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me as I clutched the metal gate and stared at him stunned.

Derek and Charlotte were supposed to be here. Not him.

And yet, here he was.

After a month of leaving us alone, he was back.

"Negan?" I asked, confused. My eyes were wide and my mouth was agape. He appeared to be amused at my reaction.

"We need to have a talk, Elle," he said, taking a step towards me. I held my ground and started up at him, trying to fight my nerves. He continued to smile deviously at me, and then leaned into my personal space.

"I think someone's been skipping school to go to the mall."


	32. Chapter 32: In The Gray

I stood completely stunned and speechless as I stared at Negan. It had been over a month since I had seen him—an entire month where I was left wondering if he was even going to come back—an entire month of guilt and regrets—an entire month of questioning everything that happened between us.

Now he back, and he looked the same as the day he had walked away. He was wearing his leather jacket, a white t-shirt and a pair of spotless gray pants. The sun shined bright off the top of his head and Lucille's sharp barbs.

I remained frozen for an uncomfortable amount of time before I processed what he had said:

 _"I think someone's been skipping school to go to the mall."_

But we hadn't gone to Greenbrier; Derek and Charlotte always came to Doveport.

Negan was confused, which told me that he didn't know everything. I tried to figure out how much he knew by reading his face, but he just continued to stare at me with a cocky grin.

"Are you gonna let me in?" he asked, gesturing towards the school with his bat.

"No," I finally spoke, gripping the gate with my hand. "You need to leave." I was surprised at how confident I sounded. His presence was really throwing me off, but I wasn't going to let him just walk back into my life like nothing happened.

"Why's that? Are you expecting company?" Negan raised his brows, and I narrowed my eyes at him. I didn't want to let him in, especially when Derek and Charlotte would be here any minute. He couldn't know they were coming, but he was teasing me nonetheless.

I went to shut the gate in his face, but Negan reached out and grabbed it. He easily forced it open, and then pushed past me to enter inside the walls.

Everyone's heads shot up to see him appear, and Negan walked across the school parking lot as if he owned the place. Amy had been waiting by the front of the school for Charlotte, and I could see her startled expression from across the yard. Vivienne looked up from where she was kneeling in her garden, and Ryan and Eric both stood up next to the car. No one moved. The calm atmosphere was replaced in an instant with dread.

"Momma Bear!" Negan exclaimed, spotting Amy and making his way to where she was standing. He extended his arms out as if he was going to hug her, but Amy didn't reciprocate the action. She gave him a bewildered look as he let his arms fall and let out a booming laugh. He turned to look at where Vivienne was watching him.

"Got anything good for me, Viv?" he asked, winking at her.

I marched across the lot to where he was and grabbed his arm roughly, pulling him so he would face me.

"You want to talk? Let's go talk." I needed to get him inside and away from the others. I could see how scared they all were seeing Negan, and I knew it was only a matter of time before Greenbrier showed up.

"Fine by me, Elle." Negan smirked down at me. He was enjoying everyone's uneasiness, including mine. Letting go of his arm, I headed towards the front doors of the school and passed by Amy who's face was scrunched in worry.

"It's okay," I muttered to her under my breath as I passed by her. It wasn't, and we both knew that. We had told Greenbrier that Negan wasn't coming to Doveport anymore. Now he was here, and his presence could hurt the trust we had built with our new friends.

Amy didn't respond and turned her head away as Negan walked by her and followed me into the school. I walked briskly down the hall and Negan matched my pace. Then he suddenly grabbed my arm and stopped me in my tracks.

"Let's go to your room," he suggested with a sly smile. His hand rubbed at my shoulder, but I pulled away from him.

"We can talk in the office." I gave him a serious look, and he grinned wide.

"Sounds good to me. I've always wanted to bang you on that big desk."

I rolled my eyes and continued on my way to the principal's office. He was certainly in a mood, but I was having none of it.

Once we were both inside, I pulled the door closed and then faced him. He set his bat down against a little table and studied me silently. His eyes were hooded, and he started to open his mouth to speak when I cut him off.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I demanded in a sharp tone.

"I missed you," he said, but it sounded more seductive than sincere; his voice was thick with lust. If he thought he could come in here and wear me down with his charm, he had another thing coming.

"That's bullshit. It's been a month, Negan. We both know the last time you were here, we left on bad terms."

"I'm over it." He shrugged and turned his back towards me to walk over to the desk and absentmindedly study it. He was avoiding the subject, and I used that to my advantage.

"Yeah, I don't buy that for a second." I approached him and stepped into his line of sight. "You're here for another reason. You mentioned Greenbrier."

Negan looked up and met my gaze with a smirk.

"I didn't mention Greenbrier. Just the mall."

I didn't look away as he studied my face and clenched my jaw. He was right—he hadn't specifically said anything about Greenbrier, but we both knew what he was talking about.

I tilted my head to the side. "And?" I challenged.

Negan let out a booming laugh and it caught me off guard. I watched him puzzled as he reached up to scratch his head.

"Well shit. You're not even gonna fuckin' deny it, huh? Been hanging out with the Mallrats a lot these days? What do you think about the place? Personally I think it's a bit gaudy."

"We haven't been to Greenbrier. They come here." I leaned against the desk and watched for his reaction. He nodded, taking in what I was saying.

"Either way, I knew you were in cahoots with them the moment they started sending vegetables. Hard to grow those in a fucking mall." Negan glanced out the window where I could see a part of Vivienne's garden. Everyone had gone back to working on their previous tasks, but I could sense their nervousness even from inside the office. I had been too focused on establishing a good relationship with Greenbrier that Negan catching on about the vegetables hadn't even crossed my mind.

"We weren't trying to hide our friendship with them," I explained, and it was the truth. I had thought he was done with us, and we were just trying to survive. "Greenbrier asked for our help, so we helped them."

"Well we're gonna go back to you giving me your shit and Greenbrier can provide for themselves." Negan scrunched his nose and smiled mockingly.

"They're good people, Negan."

His overconfidence faded fast, and he stared at me a long time before narrowing his eyes.

"Are you fucking him?" he asked in a low voice.

"What?!" I blurted, eyes wide and confused.

"Derek. You're sleeping with him, right?"

I stared at him appalled, not knowing what the hell to say to that. He gestured with his hand, expecting an answer.

"No!" I exclaimed as I stood up from the desk. Negan pursed his lips and nodded knowingly—he didn't believe me.

"So I leave for a couple weeks and you went straight to the first fucking guy to walk into your life." It wasn't a question. He seriously thought I was with had happened between us. Negan was assuming way too much and it infuriated me.

I rolled my eyes and shoved past him to head for the door, not wanting to hear his bullshit any longer. Even if it wasn't true, I didn't belong to Negan.

"I'd be careful if I was you…" I went to leave, but Negan followed me over and placed a hand on the door, keeping it closed.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I turned to face him with a smirk. "You'll figure it out soon enough." Maybe Derek needed to knock him down a peg or two.

"I don't think I should have to remind you that I'm the one who saved your ass from Caleb. You should really reconsider where your loyalty lies." He took a step so he was even closer and stared down at me with fire in his eyes.

"You said you wanted to leave me with him!" I challenged, practically snarling as I spoke. He couldn't intimidate me with these tactics anymore; being in my personal space might have worked in the past, but we had almost been intimate together. He didn't scare me anymore.

As if he had the same thought, Negan's entire demeanor changed; his eyes trailed down my body and then back up to my face.

"God, I love it when you get angry." He bit his lip and reached up to touch my face, but I stepped further into the principal's office and away from him.

"I'm not doing this with you, Negan." I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Doing what?" I could hear him approaching me from behind and I took a deep breath.

"I'm not going to let you just walk back in here and demand we work for you, and I'm not gonna let you flirt your way back into my life. Last time you were here, I brought up Lucille, and that wasn't fair, but…" I froze, realizing that I needed to be honest with him if I ever expected him to be honest with me. Turning to face him, I was surprised to see he had a serious expression and he surprisingly waited for me to continue.

"I didn't understand why you brought me home. I still don't get it. Yes, I wanted to come back to Doveport, but you weren't too keen on the idea until after we almost…"

I couldn't finish the sentence, but he knew what I was referring to. I remembered the feeling of his hands on my body and the way his mouth felt kissing against my skin. I sighed and then continued to put all my cards on the table.

"You left me for a month because you don't need me. You've got Frankie, Amber, Tanya and the others. We keep pretending like something is happening here Negan, but who the hell are we kidding? Nothing is ever going to come of this."

I didn't know why I was choosing then to spill my heart out, but I didn't know when he might run off again. Part of me didn't want him to, but another part—the logistical side—knew we were chasing an unobtainable fantasy. I couldn't let myself continue to fall into something so complicated with him.

He stared at me for a few seconds, and then slowly approached me. I looked away as he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me towards him.

"I came back, didn't I?" His voice was heavy, and he had an almost gentle smile.

Stepping away from him again, I shook my head.

"Yeah, because of Greenbrier. You're afraid we're working together to take you out. You're here to make sure I'm still loyal to you." It was a guess, but an educated one. Negan hadn't come here because he missed me—he came back because the moment he got those vegetables he knew that Derek and I were allies.

Negan didn't answer me right away and then whispered, "Are you?"

I swallowed and looked away from him. It hurt me to know that the only reason he was back was to make sure I wasn't going to betray him.

"I'm loyal to Doveport," I mumbled, closing my eyes and willing myself not to get upset over him anymore. "We're not getting involved."

"Sweetheart, you became involved the moment you let those Mallrats in." His voice was soft, but he didn't try to reach out to touch me again. We were still standing so close to one another, and I wondered if he could already tell how much Greenbrier meant to me.

Taking a deep breath I looked up at him.

"I care about them. I don't want to see anyone get hurt. That includes you."

Negan gazed into my eyes for a long time; his lips were a thin line, and then he sighed.

"I'm sorry I left."

It took me an extra second to realize what he was saying. The apology took me by surprise and almost knocked me onto my ass. He seemed sincere as he continued to gaze into my eyes.

"I got some shit I'm trying to work out right now with some other communities. I wanted to come see you sooner, but I got tied up. I missed you, Elle. And sure, we both said some stuff that was pretty fucking nasty, but I don't hold it against you."

I couldn't believe it. Negan's rare, heartfelt moments always came as such a shock. I didn't know what to say as I stared up at him, and a small smile spread on my face at his confession.

I realized he may not have come here to make up with me, but it was happening regardless. Maybe I shouldn't have been so forgiving, but all I had wanted was for him to return so I could give him an apology. I had never expected to get one back from him.

Negan smiled back at me and then closed what little distance was between us.

"Though, I would like to hold _something_ against you…" He wrapped his arms around my waist and started to pull me into his arms when I turned my head to press against his chest, accepting his embrace. Looking out the window, I watched as the gate was pulled open.

 _Derek and Charlotte._

 _Fuck._

Backing away from Negan, I quickly headed for the door. He walked over to the window to see out it, and then followed me, making sure to grab his bat on his way out.

The moment we exited the school, Charlotte and Derek both turned to watch us approach. I could see Derek's scowl from across the yard, and Charlotte's worried expression. Once we were before them, Charlotte stepped up to me.

"Are you okay?" she asked, eyes trained on me. She appeared to be ignoring Negan's presence while Derek continued to glare at him.

"Yes. I'm fine. Negan was just leaving." I gave him a stern look, but Negan ignored it. Instead, he put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him.

"That's funny, Elle. I just fucking got here. I figured I'd hang out with my favorite school friends. I wasn't gonna go to the mall until tomorrow."

Derek watched as Negan squeezed me into his side. I gave Derek an apologetic look, but he averted his eyes away.

Amy hurried over and was standing quietly behind Negan and me before speaking up.

"Hey, Charlotte. Do you want to help me with something inside?" I could tell she was just trying to offer Charlotte an out of the intense situation. Negan let me go to turn and face Amy.

"You don't want my help, Momma Bear?" he teased.

"No. It's just-"

"Sweet. I'll come too." Negan winked at Charlotte, who was clearly annoyed, but didn't say anything. The three of them headed towards the school, which left me alone with Derek.

"You lied to me," he said flatly.

"I didn't. I swear to you, we haven't seen him in a month. He just showed up." I was practically pleading with him to believe me.

Derek stared at me for a few moments; he seemed to be indecisive.

"What does he want?"

"He wants us to give supplies to him instead of giving them to you," I admitted.

Derek closed his eyes and let out a huff. "Elle, I need to know if I can trust you," he said, bringing up two fingers to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Of course you can," I said softly.

Derek opened his eyes and glanced over my shoulder to look at the school and then back at me.

"I'm getting ready to make a move on Negan."

It took every ounce of self control not to gulp.

I didn't want him to hurt Negan. I could understand standing up to him, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he intended to do something worse.

"You need to wait before doing anything rash. You can't just jump the gun on this one, Derek," I said quietly, trying to remain calm.

"I'm not jumping the gun. I'm confident now that I can take the bastard out."

I physically shuddered, but Derek was too busy watching the school to notice my reaction. I was terrified.

He was really going to kill Negan.

"Let me talk to him. I can work something out. Something that doesn't end with anyone getting hurt." I hoped I didn't sound as desperate as I felt. Derek shook his head.

"No, it has to be this way."

"What way?" I asked, taking a step toward him and staring at him with wide eyes. What did he have planned? What was he going to do to Negan?

Derek ignored my question and walked past me to go into the school. I stood in front of the gate, shocked and unable to move. I had to figure out what to do, but I was at a crossroads.

I needed to protect Negan, but I knew once he found out Derek was planning something he would kill him—after all, Negan eliminated his enemies. I didn't want Derek and Charlotte to die either, but Derek wasn't going to listen to me. Negan wouldn't either. Both men were incredibly stubborn, and I knew I was going to have to choose to help one of them. Negan was right. The moment I let Greenbrier into Doveport, I put myself right in the middle of all of it.

A few minutes later, Derek and Charlotte exited the school and headed my way. Amy and Negan followed shortly after, and I could hear Negan calling out to the siblings, asking them where they were going. Derek didn't respond to him, and simply came up to me. Placing a hand on my shoulder, he leaned in so his mouth was by my ear.

"Soon we'll all be free of Negan's wrath."

I stood completely still as he headed out the gate with Charlotte. They got into their car that was parked behind Negan's truck and I watched as it drove off down the road. As it disappeared, Negan came to stand next to me.

"What did he say?" he inquired, staring out the gate, same as me.

I looked away from the road and up at him with a hard expression.

"You need to stop making enemies and leave those people alone," I warned him.

Negan's eyes scanned my face a few times and he frowned.

"Is Derek going to try something?" he asked.

I couldn't betray Derek, but I didn't want to see Negan get hurt. Thinking of my words carefully, I stared up at him and whispered, "Don't make me choose."

Negan nodded in understanding, and took what I said as confirmation. I had successfully warned him without having to betray Derek, but I was still scared. I didn't know what Derek had planned, just that it would result in heartache.

Negan was staring off into the distance when his gaze returned to me and he smiled, noticing my concern.

"Don't worry. I can handle Derek. And I won't be staying away like that from now on. I could have just continued to take the vegetables from the fucking Mallrats, but I'd much rather get them from you."

I smiled slightly as he smirked down at me and then turned to head towards his truck.

"I'll be back in a week," he said over his shoulder.

"Two weeks," I called out.

Negan froze in his tracks. The reference to an argument we had weeks ago—an argument that had resulted in our first kiss had him reacting in a way I couldn't see as his back was facing me.

"Be careful," I added, taking the opportunity to say something else to him. I wasn't sure if he would really come back in a week or not, but I needed him to stay safe. I couldn't bare the idea of something happening to him.

I was startled when he spun on his feet and headed back towards me. In one fast motion, Negan cupped my face in his hand, he tilted my head up and his lips found mine in a passionate kiss. I melted into it and closed my eyes, having my breath stolen away from being taken off guard.

His lips moved against mine for a few moments and then he broke away. He gazed down at me with such vehemence that I didn't care if Doveport was watching—in that moment, it was just the two of us standing there. That intense passion we shared was just as strong as the day he had stormed out, and I didn't want to let him go.

"I will," he promised, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead to mine.

"Negan…" I whispered, wanting to invite him to stay. If he left, there was a chance he could get hurt. If I could just keep him at Doveport—keep him in my arms—he would be safe.

But without another word, Negan pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead and then headed out towards his truck.

As I watched it pull away, I could feel the other Doveporters' eyes on my back. Negan had kissed me in front of everyone, which meant our little connection was no longer a secret. But I didn't care—I was relieved that they knew.

I still didn't entirely understand it, but I did know one thing for certain: from that point on, my neutrality was only going to get harder to maintain.


	33. Chapter 33: A Dent In Things

The day after Negan left, all the Doveporters ate evening dinner in the cafeteria together per usual. There was an awkward silence as we stared down at our plates, but no one said anything. I had kissed Negan in front of every single one of them, and I think they were all trying to figure out what that meant for us as a community. I know I still was.

Amy was trying to make eye contact, but I ignored her blatant staring and focused on my soup. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her. I just wasn't ready for that conversation. The conflict between Negan and I felt resolved, but I still felt like there was something left to be said.

 _But that had been one hell of a kiss…_

I slight smile crept onto my lips as I picked up my bowl and brought it back to the kitchen. Sure, things had been intense between Derek and Negan, but maybe things would work out. Negan could continue to visit Doveport every week, and Greenbrier could provide their own supplies. After all, they lived inside of a huge shopping center. There had to be plenty of things they could give Negan. If we could make it work, so could they. And maybe with some persuasion, Negan could be convinced to let Doveport help Greenbrier.

An hour later, all of the Doveporters retired to their bedrooms to turn in for the night. I was in my own room, sitting up against my pillows and reading a novel. We didn't get many opportunities to relax in the apocalypse, and it felt good to curl up with a book. Once the sun set, it didn't make sense to go out into the dark with the walkers. Philip had always been adamant about that.

Occasionally, I would find it difficult to concentrate on the story, and my eyes would drift away from the page to the comforter on my bed. Memories of Caleb holding me down would resurface, and I'd close my eyes and try to block them out. Everything was a reminder of what happened; I'd always have the scars to prove it, but being in my bedroom was hard. I had stared up at the white ceiling and begged someone to save me, and someone had, but I couldn't look at the blank canvas without being transported back to that terrifying situation.

But Caleb was dead. Negan had saved my life, and I was lucky to be alive. I wasn't addicted to the pills. I wasn't hallucinating anymore. I needed to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future.

 _With Negan…_

What did a future with Negan even look like?

I didn't want to be one of his wives. The idea of sharing him didn't sit well with me, and I didn't want to leave Doveport. Still, I kept picturing the way his eyes traveled down my body and the feeling of his hands on my waist. Negan made me feel desirable—something I didn't think was possible in an apocalypse.

I was entertaining the idea of wearing one of his wives' tight, black dresses and the comments he would make to see me in it, when I heard a loud, booming noise.

My head shot up at the sound and I got out of bed quickly. Grabbing my gun and knife, I rushed out into the hall. The other Doveporters had heard it too and were gathering to see what was going on. Eric made his way down to the front doors and was looking out the windows.

"Shit!" he exclaimed, staring out the glass in shock. I briskly made my way over to see what happened and why he was so startled.

The metal gate was busted part-ways open and a truck had crashed into it. The gate was still intact, but it was hanging open at an odd angle. Eric was already opening the front doors and sprinting towards the gate. Ryan followed him out, and I glanced over my shoulder to see Amy and Vivienne were looking out the window with worried expressions.

"Stay here," I told them, while heading out the doors. "Go get weapons." I had no idea what was happening, but if this was an attack, we had to be ready to fight.

I ran across the yard to where the metal gate was swinging open and approached the truck. My heart sank and I froze in place at the sight of the familiar vehicle.

It was Negan's truck.

Eric and Ryan had stopped too and were staring at the crash in shock. I moved by them and past the broken gate to go to the driver-side door.

Negan was inside, and next to him was a Savior I recognized—Garrett—the Savior I had held hostage when he had pushed Vivienne on the ground for offering radishes. The airbags had inflated, and Negan's body and Garrett's were hunched forward. Both weren't moving.

Pulling myself up into the truck, I took out my knife and stabbed the airbags. As they deflated, I lifted Negan and leaned him backwards. Placing two fingers to his neck, I checked for a heartbeat. He was alive, but his pulse was faint.

I checked Garrett's pulse, only to discover he was dead; he had multiple gunshot wounds in his chest and was covered in blood. Looking back to where Negan was, I saw his upper torso was also soaked in blood and gasped. Eric was standing behind me, trying to look into the truck.

"He's been shot," I said, my voice quivering. It appeared to be a single bullet wound near Negan's right collarbone, but I couldn't be sure.

"We need to get him inside," Eric said, placing a hand on my shoulder as I stared down at Negan feeling helpless. There was so much blood, and my hands were coated in it from touching both men. I knew Eric was right—we needed to help him. Fast.

"Negan!" I said loudly, shaking his shoulders in an attempt to wake him. His head lolled to the side, but he remained unconscious. He wasn't going to wake up.

I reached over to his side to unlatch the seat belt he was wearing when I heard a loud growl come from right next to my head. I looked up to find Garrett had turned and was now staring at me with white, glossed-over eyes. He bared his teeth at me and slowly sat up in the seat.

I gasped and stood up so I was on Negan's other side as the walker reached towards Negan. It attempted to sit forward to bite him, but the seat belt was keeping it restrained. Garrett's jaw snapped and snarled as he fought to move. Quickly, I gripped the knife and brought it down into Garrett's head. His body slumped forward again—permanently dead.

Catching my breath and trying to calm myself, I simultaneously reached over Negan's lifeless body and unlatched the seat belt. His body fell forward, and I sheathed my knife, and then wrapped my arms around him to hold him up. Stepping down from the truck, I used all my strength to pull him out. I groaned as I struggled to move him out of the car seat, but eventually he slid out of the truck and towards the ground. I did my best to prop him up, hugging him close to me.

"Elle, let me," Ryan said, coming over to take Negan and hold him up by hooking his arms under Negan's armpits. Eric went to Negan's feet, and the two men worked together to pick him up. I stared down at Negan's unconscious form as they carried him towards the school. His face was covered in cuts from the crash, and he looked dead.

 _He's going to die._

We didn't have any doctors at Doveport, and I had no idea how to get to the Sanctuary. The only medical supplies we had came from first-aid kits and a poorly stocked nurse's office. I didn't know how we were going to help him, but we had to do something.

I was following Ryan and Eric towards the school when I heard another growl come from behind me. Whirling around, my eyes widened at the sight. A horde of walkers was headed towards the open, busted gate. My hand went to my knife, and my heart pounded in my ears.

There were at least ten of them.

The sound of the truck crashing into the gate had attracted them. Now every walker within earshot was on our doorstep and would be inside the walls within seconds.

Rushing over to the gate, I went to pull it closed, but it wouldn't budge. The truck was pinning it open, and even if I had been able to shut it, the metal latch was busted. The walkers were approaching fast, and I went to take out my gun, but stopped. A gunshot would only attract more, but I needed to hurry before they got into the school yard.

I moved outside the gate as quick as I could and came up to a thin, female walker that was reaching towards me. I stabbed through her stringy hair into her head, and she collapsed to the ground. A smaller sized walker—what had probably been a teenage boy—tried to grab my arm, but I moved fast and my knife slipped into the front of his face, causing his lifeless body to fall at my feet.

After killing five more walkers, I was completely out of breath and there were still too many of them. I made my way towards the outsider side of the wall in an attempt to lead them from the gate, and it worked. Instead of crossing the gate's threshold, they all followed me as I moved along the perimeter. As I backed up and watched the walkers in front of me, I didn't hear the one sneaking up from behind. It grabbed my shoulder and I jumped away fast before it could bite me. As a result, I stumbled, and fell hard onto my ass. My knife slipped out of my hand and landed a few feet away from me.

The closest walker dropped to the ground and started to crawl towards me. I scrambled backwards as it grabbed my ankle and opened its jaw to bite my leg. Reaching for my gun, I aimed as fast as I could and fired. The walker's head fell backwards as the bullet ripped through its face. The other dead had all moved on me, and I fired the gun as fast and accurate as possible, hitting each walker in the head.

Once they were truly dead, I retrieved my knife and got back to my feet. I heard more growls and looked up to see more walkers were coming towards the school. Whether it was the gunshots or the crash that attracted them didn't matter—I had to defend the school.

Rushing back towards the entrance, I noticed the truck door was still open. Hopping inside, I was grateful to see the keys were still in the ignition. Turing the key over to start the engine, I glanced in the rear-view mirror to see the walkers were advancing fast and would be on in me seconds. The engine revved, but wouldn't start up.

"Come on!" I pleaded with it and turned the key again. The engine fired up, giving me a short-lived sense of relief. I didn't waste any time to put the truck in reverse. The vehicle rolled backwards a few feet, giving me plenty of room to pull the gate closed. I turned the truck off and jumped out, looking to see that there was now another horde heading right for Doveport.

I rushed back into the school's walls and grabbed the gate. Sliding it closed, panic spread through me as it would not latch shut. The metal was bent at an odd angle, and the walkers were almost to the gate. My heart was pounding in my ears as I gripped my knife. I only had one option.

I hadn't even heard the sound of the school doors opening. Next thing I knew, the other Doveporters all came running out towards me, with the exception of Amy and Vivienne. My community joined me in front of the gate wielding an assortment of melee weapons, including knives, axes, tire irons and shovels. Eric came up to me and offered me a crowbar. I took it from him and he nodded towards me, gripping the machete in his hands tight.

We were ready to fight to protect our home.

"Hold them off a little while!" Ryan called, sprinting off towards the car parked inside Doveport. I didn't know what he had planned, but we didn't have another choice. We couldn't let them get in.

Moving outside of the broken gate, we all met the walkers head-on. Everyone charged forward and used whatever weapon they wielded to stab and hit the creatures. I swung as hard as I could into the head of every walker I came across. Their growls seemed to echo all around us, and the putrid stench of rotting flesh invaded my nostrils, but I ignored it and focused on killing the threat.

And even though we hadn't had to fight in a long time because of our protective wall, every single one of us were survivors. Doveport worked as a unit, communicating and moving around one another as if we had always been prepared for an event like this.

Within a few minutes, we were actually thinning the horde. I took a moment to glance next to me and see Eric stab a tall walker right through the back of the head as it advanced on another Doveporter. I took a few deep breaths, before approaching an oncoming walker and whacking it in the side of the head, sending it toppling to the grass.

Suddenly I heard a loud metallic sound. Spinning around to face the gate, I saw Ryan was holding a hammer and hurriedly banging against the bent metal piece. The toolbox Charlotte had given us was laying near the opening, and he was using it to patch the gate. The sound was loud, and the walkers continued to move towards us.

Knowing we needed to buy him some time, I faced the oncoming walkers with a new sense of determination. Lifting up my crowbar, I headed straight for a large, male walker that was stumbling towards me. With a swift hit to the side of his head, he fell to the ground. I stood over him and brought the crowbar down onto his face again and again, mashing it until he stopped moving.

Every Doveporter was fighting like their life depended on it. I could tell they were starting to slow down, but no one stopped swinging and hitting. The walkers would stumble at us only to be met with blunt force. I had been so hyper-focused that I hadn't even noticed Eric was giving out orders, telling people which walkers to take on and keeping our little line of defense safe. My head was pounding, but I continued to use my crowbar on the advancing walkers.

There were only a few walkers remaining when Ryan pulled the gate closed and tested it to make sure the latch worked. When it did, he threw it open and called to us.

"Everybody get inside!"

The other Doveporters fell back towards the gate, but I moved towards one of the last walkers. Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead and my lungs were burning, but I didn't stop. There were only a few left, and I didn't want to leave a single one standing. Eric seemed to have the same idea, as he stayed with me to finish killing the rest.

I had been beating in the skull of one of the dead when Eric called out. I spun around to see he had fallen on the ground and a walker was on top of him. Sprinting as fast as I could, I went to grab the corpse off him when my hands broke through its decaying skin. Gripping through its puss-dripping skin, I pulled it away from Eric and threw it onto the ground. With one fatal blow, I hit its head, causing a yellowish fluid to spray everywhere.

I turned back to look down at Eric and my eyes scanned over him. He was okay—no bite marks or scratches. I couldn't help but let out a relieved laugh. We were both completely covered in the stinky, yellow goo, but he was alive. He glanced around to see that there were only bodies around us, and then he hung his head back and smiled.

I gasped for breath and leaned against the wall. Wiping my hands on my jeans, I watched to make sure there weren't any more walkers. My arms were sore and my heart was beating fast, but we had done it. No one was bitten, and the others were inside safe. I wouldn't have stood a chance fighting off the horde on my own, but Doveport had my back.

I walked over to where Eric was still sitting on the ground and offered him my hand. He took it and got up from the ground. We both stared at the piles of bodies around us and I couldn't speak for him, but I felt a funny sense of pride.

Ryan was waiting by the gate when Eric and I entered through it. He pulled it closed and latched the metal back in place, locking it.

"It's temporary," he explained. "I don't think it'll hold well if another horde shows up." I could see the piece he had banged back into place looked like it was ready to break. I nodded at him, relieved that we had killed all of the walkers instead of leaving a few of them. The other Doveporters were all standing before me, soaked in walker guts and sweat, but all very much alive. I smiled wide at them and they all smiled back.

Then my eyes trailed over to the school. My grin faded and my heart dropped.

 _Negan._

I fled towards the building and flew inside as fast as my tired legs could carry me. Rushing down the hall, I saw Amy was staring into a room—Phillip's old bedroom. I approached the door in a hurry and looked inside.

Negan was laying on the bed shirtless and Vivienne was leaning over him, pressing a cloth over his collarbone. I entered the room and walked up to the bed, staring down at him terrified. He was pale and his eyelids were still closed. Vivienne's expression was grim.

"Is he dead?" I asked, glancing up to look at Vivienne's face. She shook her head and gestured towards the first-aid kit while staring down at Negan.

"I got the bullet out and cleaned the wound, but he's still losing a lot of blood. I don't know what else to do." She finally looked up to meet my gaze. "He might turn, Elle."

I swallowed hard and stared down at Negan's unconscious body.

I couldn't let that happen.

I couldn't lose him.

"Amy, go get some duct tape," I ordered, not taking the time for pleasantries. She hurried off, and I moved to the other side of the bed. Taking the towel from Vivienne, I removed a thin piece of blood soaked gauze she had placed against his skin and stared down at the gushing wound. We didn't have supplies to stitch him up, so we'd have to make best with what we had.

Amy returned with the silver tape and handed it to me. I reached over to take a dry rag and used it to gently wipe away the gushing blood. Reaching into the first-aid kit, I took out a few pieces of clean gauze and carefully placed them over the wound. Then I pulled out a long strip of duct tape and used it to keep the gauze in place. I tore off a second strip and criss-crossed the two pieces. Once the gauze was completely covered, I pressed down with the palm of my hand, hard.

As I applied pressure, I felt my eyes start to water as I stared down at Negan. Vivienne had also cleaned up the blood on his face and bandaged the wound on his forehead. He looked so peaceful laying there, and I was almost grateful he was unconscious. He was going to be in a lot of pain when he woke up.

 _If he woke up._

I tried to shake the horrible thought and closed my eyes just as Amy came over to me. She placed a hand on my arm. I turned to face her and frowned. She didn't say anything, and rubbed my arm sympathetically. My former sense of relief vanished—Doveport was safe from the threat of walkers, but Negan was on death's door. Someone had shot him, and he had been behind the driver's seat. He had drove to the school because he knew he could trust me—that I would do everything I could to save his life.

 _Someone had shot him…_

It should have been obvious, but I had been so focused on fighting off the dead, that I hadn't even had time to think. I stared into Amy's frightened eyes with fear of my own.

We both knew who had done this.

 _"Derek."_


	34. Chapter 34: Dead Ball

I was sitting in an old recliner in the corner of Philip's bedroom watching Negan as he slept. He had been out for hours, and I was gripping my knife in my hand, waiting for him to turn. I had to be ready for anything, but the idea of seeing him become one of those creatures had me on edge. His chest continued to rise and fall, but I knew there was a chance he might stop breathing and never wake up.

The adrenaline rush from fighting the walkers wore off almost as fast as it came, and it wasn't long before I was struggling to stay awake. Deciding I would just rest for a little bit, I leaned my head on the arm of the charm and closed my eyelids briefly.

The next thing I knew, there was a loud growl coming from right in front of my face. My eyes flew open to find Negan had turned into a pale, dead-eyed walker, and he was on top of me. I tried to scream, but no sound came out as he bit into my shoulder blade. I panicked and went to grab my knife, but it was gone. I tried to push him off with all my might, but his teeth tore into my skin and blood sprayed out, painting us both in a sticky coat of red.

Sitting up startled, I discovered I had drifted off to sleep. A candle was gently flickering next to me on a small table, and I was in the same recliner as my dream. I had been keeping an eye on Negan—the real Negan, who was laying in Philip's old bed where he was currently staring at me in the dimly lit room.

"You're awake," I said in a low voice, getting up from the chair to go over to him.

Negan shifted a little bit and his face scrunched up as he winced.

"Don't move," I ordered, sitting down on the edge of the large mattress and by his leg. "You've been shot."

"Fuck." Negan groaned and laid his head back on the pillow, shutting his eyes.

I stared at him for a few minutes in silence. When he didn't open his eyes again, I reached out to touch his arm.

"What happened?" I asked, gently squeezing his limb. I couldn't let him fall back asleep. Not until I had answers. "I need you to talk to me, Negan. Why were you shot?" I had been waiting hours for him to wake up. He wasn't getting out of this. Not after everything I had done to keep him alive.

When he finally met my gaze, he stared at me for a few long moments.

"Derek?" I guessed. I knew it had to be, but I wanted to know the exact details.

"Can I have some water?" Negan asked. I reached over to where I had already prepared a glass and handed it to him. He tried to sit up, but his body trembled in pain and he collapsed back onto the pillows. I carefully placed a hand on his back and helped him to sit up while he cussed the entire time. Once he was propped up, he chugged the water gratefully, and some of it trickled down his mouth. I stared at his bare chest and the bandage we had created with duct tape. Negan glanced down at the criss-crossed tape and let out a dry chuckle.

"Thanks," he mumbled, finishing the water. I took the empty glass from him and set it on the table, and then went right back to it.

"What the hell happened?" I asked again.

Negan took a few deep breaths and then looked across the room at the dark wall.

"He ambushed us."

I waited for him to continue explaining, but he narrowed his eyes to glare off into space. The confirmation that it was Derek who shot him shouldn't have come as a surprise, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. As I stared at Negan's injured body, I realized Doveport was now in a difficult situation. Negan was under our roof. If Derek came looking for him, we would be in huge trouble.

"I went to go get my stuff from the Mallrats and they were waiting for us outside. I knew he had something planned, but I never thought he'd have the balls to fucking pull that shit." Negan tried to sit up again on his own, as if testing his pain, and when he was unsuccessful, he let out a frustrated groan.

"That fucker killed my men and shot me while I was retreating."

"You crashed into the gate," I explained. "The Savior that was with you is dead. You were unconscious, and we got the bullet out, but we don't have many medical supplies. I've been waiting for you to wake up so you can tell me how to get to the Sanctuary so we can get Dr. Carson and-"

"No." Negan cut me off and I frowned at him.

"Negan, you need help. That wound can get infected." I didn't understand why he wouldn't tell me where the factory was. Negan always made me wear a black bag going to and from the Sanctuary, so I had absolutely no idea how to get to it. If we could go there, we could at least get some supplies to patch him up better. For all I knew, he needed stitches and someone to properly clean the wound.

"Forget it, Elle." He closed his eyes in an attempt to drop the subject.

"You came here and trusted me to save your life, but you won't trust me now?" I asked in a quiet voice.

Negan opened his eyes and gave me a stern look.

"I was on my way home when my men radioed and said there was an attack at the factory. Someone's been scouting out the Sanctuary and is hiding in the nearby woods, waiting to pounce. If they see you go there, they'll get suspicious."

"So send Eric! Or Ryan. We can use your radio and set up a rendez-vous." I hadn't even seen his radio and assumed it was still in the truck—the truck that was still parked outside the gate. My stomach turned as I realized it had been out in the open for hours. I hoped like hell Derek hadn't seen it.

"It's too risky. I just need to rest a little bit." Negan turned his head on the pillow still with his eyes closed.

"It's a gunshot, Negan. You need more than a nap. You need pain medication…"

And then I realized why he wouldn't tell me where the Sanctuary was.

He was trying to protect me from my addiction.

He didn't want me bringing in the opiates because he didn't want me using them. It was the last thing on my mind, but at the forefront of his.

He was trying to protect me.

"Stop being stupid and tell me where the Sanctuary is. Doveport doesn't have what you need, and I'm not going to let you die just because you're worried I'll take some pills."

Negan didn't respond.

"Negan!" I half shouted, and suddenly his hand shot out to grab mine. He squeezed it tightly, but his expression was hard.

"I'll be fine, Elle. You don't need to worry so much." His stern look dissolved into a softer one and he smiled a bit. "It'll put hair on my chest."

I gave him an unimpressed look and he took a deep breath. I could tell he was hurting, but the aspirin we had wasn't going to make much of a difference for a gunshot wound. He yawned and then gestured towards the cup with his head.

"Could use some more water, though. And something to eat. You people have room service? Or any liquor?"

I shook my head and stood up from the bed. He wasn't going to tell me where the Sanctuary was, and we were going to have the make do with what we had.

Leaving the room, I realized what this meant for Doveport. We were harboring Negan from Derek, and it was only a matter of time before we'd be caught. The truck was still outside, and we needed to dispose of it; plus the walker bodies were still littering the ground outside the gate.

As I exited the bedroom, I found Eric waiting for me in the hallway. He was leaning against the wall, and he looked exhausted. We had worked well together fighting off the walkers, and I was really thankful for him. He had been so organized about the whole situation, and not a single Doveporter got injured. I gave him a thin smile as I closed the door.

"He's awake?" Eric asked.

"Yeah. He said it was Derek. Greenbrier ambushed the Saviors."

"Shit." Eric brought a hand to his face and sighed deeply. "I figured as much."

"The truck is still parked out front. We need to get rid of it along with the dead walkers." I let out a yawn and glanced at a clock on the wall. It was about 2:00am, and we both looked like we could use some sleep, but we were far from being out of the woods.

"I'll take care of it," Eric reassured me. "I'll just move the walkers into the trees. We'll drive the car as far away from here as we can. But what about the gate?"

"Huh?" I didn't understand what he was getting at.

"The gate's busted. Derek's gonna notice. What do we do about that?"

I hadn't even thought that far ahead. My brain felt like it was completely fried, but Eric was right—we needed to have an explanation for what happened to the gate.

"We could crash our car," I suggested. "If we damage the front, we could tell Derek that we crashed into the gate when we got overrun by walkers."

"It's worth a shot." Eric stretched a bit and glanced down the hallway. "I'm gonna get Ryan to come help me. You gonna stay with Negan?"

"Yeah. He's hungry, and I figure if he's eating that's a good sign. He said there should be a radio somewhere in the truck. Can you get it for me?"

"Of course." Eric nodded and then reached out to place a hand on my shoulder. "We'll be okay, Elle. I don't think Derek would hurt us, even if he finds out we're hiding Negan here."

"I hope you're right." I didn't feel as confident about that as Eric did.

Once Eric disappeared down the hall to get Ryan, I made my way to the kitchen. We had managed to stockpile quite a few vegetables, so I placed a whole assortment on a plate, not knowing which ones Negan liked. After filling up another glass of water, I carried the food to Philip's old room—which was now Negan's.

I didn't bother to knock and entered inside to find Negan had dozed off. I set the plate down on the nightstand and went back over to the recliner. I didn't know what to think. Derek could show up any minute looking for Negan, and we didn't exactly have him well hidden. He was in no place to fight, and Doveport might have been able to handle a few walkers, but we were no match to take on Greenbrier.

Even with all my worry, it wasn't long before I fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

When I woke up, I could see light shining through the windows in the bedroom. I sat slowly and my line of sight fell upon an empty plate and glass sitting on a little wooden table across the room from me. Then I glanced over to the bed where Negan was asleep. I was glad—he was gonna need all the rest he could get.

Sneaking out of the room as quietly as possible, I went out into the hallway to find it was empty. The clock on the wall said it was close to noon, and I headed over to the front doors. I could see the gate was still shut and wasn't able to tell if the truck was gone yet or not, but I trusted Eric to have taken care of it. Derek could show up any minute, and we needed to be ready for him.

Then I noticed our little car parked off to the side. The entire front was smashed in and the windshield had a huge cracked line running through it. I couldn't help but smile at the sight—Eric had crashed the car to make it look like it had ran into the gate and not Negan's truck. I glanced around the yard for any sign of life when I heard someone cough from down the hall.

Following the noise, I entered the cafeteria to find Doveport had gathered for lunch. Right away I noticed Eric was sitting next to Amy, and Vivienne was dishing up some oatmeal for everyone.

"Elle!" Amy greeted me. She didn't get up but gave me a warm smile. "How's he doing?" she asked.

"Negan's fine. He's asleep." I grinned back at her and then faced Eric. "How'd it go last night?"

"Ryan and I ditched the truck a few miles from here. I crashed our car into the back wall, and we moved all the dead walkers into the forest." As he spoke, I noticed he had a huge bruise on his forehead. "I wasn't able to get out of the car in time, so we can just tell Derek I'm the one who crashed the car. Oh, and here." He reached out to hand me something and I took it from him. It was Negan's walkie-talkie. "I put his baseball bat in the bedroom."

"Thanks, Eric. Thanks, Ryan." I nodded at both men. "No sign of Derek?" I asked.

"Not that we know of. That truck was out there for quite some time, but you'd think he would make a move sooner rather than later."

"Negan said Derek has a man watching the Sanctuary," I explained. "Maybe they think he made it home? It could buy us some time."

"What exactly happened?" Vivienne asked, setting her spoon into her bowl.

"Derek shot Negan. And if we can take Negan's word for it, he said Greenbrier killed a ton of his men."

"Oh god…" Vivienne stared down at the table in worry. "So what do we do now?"

"We're gonna tell Derek we don't know where Negan is," I said firmly.

"So we're gonna lie?" Vivienne asked, giving me a stern look. She didn't appear to like the idea.

"That, or we turn Negan over to Derek," Amy said. "And we can't do that."

"Why not?" Ryan asked, furrowing his brow. "Negan killed Seth. He's put all of our lives on the line countless times. Why the hell are we helping him now?"

"He saved us from Caleb," Amy said, giving Ryan a critical look. "He helped Elle. We can't throw him under the bus now."

"He burned a guy's face in front of us, Amy. Or did you forget that already?" Ryan narrowed his eyes at her.

Amy let out a frustrated sigh. "If we turn Negan in, that means the Saviors come after us. They'll kill us all. Derek hasn't hurt us. We just need to talk to him and he will understand. We never wanted to get in the middle of this."

"But we are," Eric mumbled. He was staring at his wife and I could see he was also worried. We all were. We had to make a decision, and it could ultimately determine Doveport's fate.

"Well we already know how Elle feels," Ryan muttered under his breath. I frowned at him.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I raised my voice in defense at what he was suggesting.

"We all saw you kiss him. You're biased towards Negan, but Derek and Charlotte haven't given us a reason to not trust them. I think that when Derek comes here we should just be honest with him. Lying has never worked out well for us."

As much as I hated to admit it, Ryan was right. Every time we had lied, it had only gotten us into hot water. I was biased towards Negan because I was growing close with him. I cared about him, much more than I cared about Derek and Charlotte—but I still cared about them too. Glancing around at everyone's faces, I had no idea what we were going to do.

"Show of hands, who wants to give Negan to Derek?" I asked, choosing to take a more diplomatic path on handling things. Ryan's hand went up immediately, and I glanced around.

No one else raised their hand.

"I think we should allow Negan to heal and then he can return to Sanctuary. Then they can fight it out amongst themselves," Eric said, running a hand through his brown hair and avoiding Ryan's gaze.

"I agree. We help Negan and if Derek comes here looking for him, we offer to help him too. We just don't let him into the school. They usually stay out in the yard anyways," Amy pointed out.

"Viv?" I asked, turning my attention to her. She had become unusually silent. She didn't look up from her half-eaten bowl of oatmeal and took a deep breath before answering me.

"Negan and Derek have both done a lot for our communities, and we've helped them too. Doveport is neutral ground, and I think in order to remain neutral, we can't turn Negan over. I vote he stays here. At least until he's healed."

I nodded and then glanced up to Ryan. He was staring right at me and then lowered his hand.

"Maybe you guys are right. I don't know. I'm just scared." He stared down at the table as he spoke.

"We all are, honey." Vivienne reached across towards him and took his hand into hers. "But we're alive. We didn't get this far for nothing. If we help Negan now, he'll owe us. And having that man owe us something is worth telling a little lie."

I didn't like the sound of that, but Vivienne was right. Negan would owe us for this. We had risked our lives—we were still risking our lives to keep him safe. We had fought off countless walkers and now we were preparing to lie to our friends.

Still, I didn't feel like the reason I was helping Negan was so that he would owe us a favor in the future. I wanted to help him because I wanted to help him.

"I'm gonna go check on Negan," I said, turning to go.

"Wait, Elle. Why don't you stay and eat some oatmeal?" Vivienne gestured at an untouched bowl next to her.

"It's okay. I'm not that hungry."

'Nonsense. At least take it with you. If you don't want it, Negan can eat." She picked up the oatmeal and held it out across the table towards me. Taking it into my hand, I smiled down at her and then exited the cafeteria.

As I entered Negan's room, I noticed he was awake again. His eyes went straight to the bowl and I held it out towards him.

"It's oatmeal," I muttered as he took it from me. "I just spoke with the others and we're prepared to lie to Derek if he shows up. Oh, and here." I handed him the walkie-talkie. He took it into his free hand and stared down at it for a few moments before looking up at me.

"Thanks, Elle," he said with a small smile. "I knew I could count on you."

* * *

Doveport was on edge as we anticipated Derek would come any second, but he didn't. I half expected him to attack us in the middle of the night, but as each day passed, there was no sign of Greenbrier.

Negan's wound actually started to heal after a few days. The punctured skin turned pink and started to close up a bit. It took quite a few arguments, but eventually Negan agreed to set up a conversation over the radio to talk with Dr. Carson concerning the gunshot wound.

Carson couldn't be absolutely certain, but after talking with Vivienne and me, he guessed by the amount of blood and the fact Vivienne was able to remove the bullet with a simple first-aid kid that it hadn't been a point blank shot. Negan said he remembered feeling the bullet strike him when he was retreating towards the truck, and Carson surmised that it may have been a ricochet. He pointed out that if the bullet had hit bone, Negan wouldn't be able to move his arm at all, and Vivienne probably would have seen fragments when removing the bullet. He offered to come to Doveport and assess the gunshot wound better, but Negan refused to let him. Carson said that the wound would need to be closed to ensure Negan didn't tear the healing skin, and asked if we had anything to patch him up.

Amy went to the arts and crafts department and actually managed to find some supplies, including some thread and a needle. We were able to stitch the wound closed, after cleaning and drying it thoroughly. Negan was eager to get the duct tape off him, though he wasn't exactly in high spirits. He was still in a lot of pain, and the aspirin barely helped.

I continued to ask him to give me directions to the Sanctuary, but he turned me down every time I brought the idea up. As if he was trying to prove me wrong about needing them, he started getting up and helping himself. He would slowly make his way down the hallway towards the bathroom or the kitchen, and refused to accept my help, using his baseball bat as a makeshift cane. I told him there was no need for this tough guy routine, but he seemed determined to do things on his own.

So after a full week, Negan seemed to be doing a little better. Part of me was happy he was in our care, because that way I could keep a close eye on him. I just wished he would let me get Carson, because we couldn't be one-hundred percent sure he was totally okay.

Negan was using some of the clothes Derek and Charlotte gave us from the mall, including a pair of grey sweats and a plain white t-shirt. His old clothes had been sitting in a pile on the floor since he had come to Doveport, and it was late into the afternoon one day when I decided to do laundry. Moving into the bedroom quietly, I noticed Negan appeared to be in a deep sleep. He was constantly napping, and I was glad. I needed him to get better.

Picking up his clothes, I noted the stained blood on his leather jacket and the hole in his t-shirt where the bullet had torn through. I studied the tear for a few moments before standing up and heading towards the door.

"Doing laundry?" a sudden voice caught me off guard and I turned towards the bed where Negan was sitting up and watching me.

"Yep," I answered, holding up the pile for him to see. "Figured I'd try to get the blood stains out."

"Ha! Good luck with that." Negan smiled at me. "And thanks, Elle."

"You're thanking me a lot these days," I mumbled, opening the door to head out into the hallway.

"Well then I take it back!" Negan called after me in a teasing voice.

"Get some rest," I said over my shoulder and headed towards the bathroom. The school didn't have a washing machine, but we used the shower to clean clothes and then hung them outside to dry. Knowing Derek might show up, I decided it would be a good idea to just hang the clothes up in the locker room.

After preparing a bucket with soapy water, I dunked the t-shirt into the water and scrubbed at the bloody stains. After about ten minutes of washing the garment, I realized the shirt was a lost cause and hoped Negan would be okay if I just tossed it. I knew he wouldn't feel the same way about his beloved leather jacket, and so I spread it out on one of the benches in the locker room and prepared to clean the blood stains from it.

I was flattening the jacket out when my hand brushed over a round object in the left-hand pocket. Curious, I reached into the deep pouch and pulled out a tiny white ball.

I recognized it immediately.

Sitting in the palm of my hand was a familiar ping pong ball—the same ping pong ball Negan and I had used from our game months back—back when he had brought me to the sporting goods store and I had found the same ball and negotiated that Doveport would only give supplies every other week. It had been my prize, but I had given him the ball back as a gesture of goodwill.

Squeezing the round object in my hand, I stood up from where his jacket was laid out and left the room.

I needed answers.


	35. Chapter 35: Bare

With the ping pong ball clutched tightly in my hand, I marched down the hall towards Negan's room. Barging in, I pushed the door a little too hard and it banged against the wall with a thud. Negan was still awake and staring at me alarmed as I closed the door behind me and then turned on him.

"What the hell is this?" I held the ping pong ball up in front of his face between my thumb and forefinger. He stared at the ball and then looked up at me.

"It's a ping pong ball," he deadpanned.

"No shit it's a ping pong ball. It's the ping pong ball I gave you! Why the hell do you have it?"

Negan's brow furrowed as he studied my face and then his expression almost seemed to soften. He chuckled and leaned back, shaking his head as if dismissing my outburst.

"Cut the shit, Negan. Why the fuck are you carrying this around in your jacket?" I stood before him confused and angry. I didn't understand why he still had the stupid ball. I had given him the ping pong ball as a gesture of goodwill, and if he was going to hold it over my head, he had another thing coming.

I opened my mouth to cuss him out when he cut me off.

"It's a good memory."

My forehead knit together in confusion, and before I could react, Negan's hand swiped the ping pong ball from between my fingers. I watched as he clutched the ball into his fist and he looked off into the room.

"It was back when things were good… Manageable. Back before that bastard cut you up… Back when I thought I could convince you to come live at the Sanctuary…. Back when I realized I finally had someone to care about again."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, not able to look at him anymore. I don't know what I expected coming to him and calling him out about keeping the ball, but I hadn't expected _this_. Negan's rare moments of honesty always seemed to catch me off guard, and I shook my head in denial.

"Negan, don't…"

I felt his hand reach up to caress the side of my face and I opened my eyes to find him staring right at me.

"I never want to see you get hurt like that again." His voice was quiet, but he said the words with such conviction that I felt my eyes start to water. He was still apologizing to me in his own way—for when he said he should have left me with Caleb.

His hand left my cheek and he smiled a bit. I turned away and cleared my throat. If he was going to apologize again, I needed to take the opportunity to do the same. It had been weeks since our ugly fight, but not a single day had gone by where I hadn't regretted saying those horrible things to him. I used his late wife against him, and that had been wrong.

"I'm sorry about what I said about Lucille. I know how much she meant to you. I was wrong to bring her up. I was angry, and I didn't understand why you were bringing me home. I still don't understand why you brought me back."

We were getting better at opening up to one another. It didn't feel forced, and instead, felt like such a relief to give him a sincere apology and to know he hadn't wanted to leave me with Caleb. But I was still so confused. We had gotten so close, and then he brought me back to Doveport. Negan effectively put an end to our growing connection, and I needed to know why.

Negan sighed heavily and looked down at the ping pong ball in his hand.

"You're my weakness, Elle. You're the one thing my enemies can use against me."

 _His weakness?_

I frowned at the word.

"Derek would never hurt me," I argued.

Negan shook his head. "I have a fuck ton of enemies. There are people at the Sanctuary who would love to see me dead. I could never forgive myself if they hurt you."

Suddenly it all made sense—his sudden coldness, why he kept trying to push me away… He brought me home because he was trying to protect me. Putting distance between us was his way of trying to keep me safe.

"But you came back." My voice cracked as I spoke, and then I felt his hand on mine. He placed the ping pong ball back into my palm.

"Cause I can never stay away." He closed my hand around the tiny sphere and encompassed my hand with his. "I hate waking up every day and you're not there. I hate how fucking weak you make me feel, but in the end, I always come back to you."

A few tears rolled down my cheeks as I held my breath, taking in everything he was telling me. Turning my head and pulling my hand away from his, I wiped at my face and tried to collect myself.

I didn't know what to say to him.

I didn't know what to think.

Negan slowly leaned up and pulled me towards him. I sat down on the bed as he brushed his thumb underneath my eyes, clearing away some tears. Then his lips found mine in a gentle, comforting kiss. I closed my eyes and embraced the feeling of his mouth on mine, and reached out to place a hand on his bare chest, careful not to disturb his wound.

As we kissed, my mind was running a mile a minute. I never thought I'd see him open up so much, but perhaps this brush with death had really shaken him. I could feel a desperation in the way he kissed me—like he was afraid to let me go.

When I pulled away, I found him staring at my lips transfixed. I stood up from the bed, wide-eyed and bemused.

Words were failing me.

"Elle…" Negan started to speak, but I headed towards the door.

"I'll get your jacket cleaned up, but I can't save your shirt." It was my lame attempt at changing the conversation. There was an awkwardness that hung in the air as once again I tried to put distance between us.

Not waiting for him to respond, I quickly hurried out of the room. The ping pong ball was still squeezed tightly in my fist.

I knew I couldn't run forever, but I felt this deep-seated fear building up inside me.

He had opened up to me.

So why couldn't I do the same?

* * *

That same night, I was laying in bed unable to sleep. I knew it had to be late, but I couldn't relax. I continued to think about what Negan had said.

I was his _weakness_.

It almost sounded like it should be an insult, but somehow it made me feel important. He didn't seem like the type of man to have any vulnerabilities. I had always seen him as this invincible, unstoppable force. But _I_ made him vulnerable. I was his kryptonite, and in some strange way, he was mine. We seemed to cause more problems for the other than anything else, but like some kind of magnetic force, we were always drawn back to each other.

Moonlight barely illuminated the room as I stared at the ping pong ball that was sitting on my nightstand and thought about how Negan was carrying it on him. I didn't think he would be the sentimental type, but he did name a baseball bat after his late wife. I chuckled to myself at the idea of having sports equipment named after me.

Then I thought about that day I had won my prize—I had beat him in finding the ping pong ball and earned Doveport a reprieve. He had brought me a BLT and seemed so relaxed. It was unlike any other time I'd seen him. He let his guard down with me, and I remembered racing down the aisles looking for the lost ball, feeling excited and carefree.

Negan was right—it was a good memory.

I was reminiscing the date when I heard my door start to slowly open. Glancing up and squinting in the dark, I watched as a figure entered my room. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to figure out who it was and just prayed it wasn't another hallucination. I hadn't seen any ghosts for weeks, and wanted to keep it that way.

"Negan?" I asked quietly, barely able to make out his features from what little light was shining through the window. I reached up and turned on a lamp that was next to my bed, flooding a small area of the room in orange light.

He didn't say anything and came over to where I was in bed. I sat up confused as he began to crawl in next to me. I moved over to make room, and he grunted a bit as if he was in pain, but continued to slide onto the mattress. I felt my cheeks heat up at the realization I was only wearing a long t-shirt I used as a nightgown and nothing else. I hadn't exactly been expecting company.

"Negan?" I whispered again, sitting up on my side and staring at him. He was only wearing his boxers and I felt his bare leg touch mine. "What are you doing?"

Once he was settled, he took a deep breath and then answered me.

"Guess I missed my bed buddy."

I was silent at first, and then I couldn't help but giggle. I felt nervous being so close to him again, but I wasn't afraid. I was worried what the others would think, and if he should really be visiting me late into the night when he should be resting. I remembered the night before he brought me back to Doveport, when I had crept into his bed. Now he was in mine.

We stared up at the ceiling in silence for a few long moments, and I had no idea what to say. Chancing a look, I glanced over to find him staring at me as if in fascination. Then he reached up to lightly drag his fingers over my lips, and I felt like I could melt under his touch.

He leaned over me and began pressing soft kisses all along my face and neck. My chest was rising up and down as he left invisible marks with each peck. I shuddered as he came to the base of my neck and then he sat up to look at me.

"Tell me to stop, and I'll stop. Make me stop, Elle."

We stared into each other's eyes and I held my breath. He was putting the ball into my court—giving me control with what came next. He wasn't begging me to stop, he was letting me know that if this wasn't what I wanted, he would put an end to this.

But I didn't want it to end.

We were both so hesitant about pursuing these feelings—both so afraid to open up to each other, but it happened regardless. I was always pulling away from him—always trying to create some distance for the sake of saving face.

But I had almost lost him.

And I was done running away.

Sitting up with him, I wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him into me, pressing my lips against his in a deep kiss. Positioning himself over me, Negan winced as he braced his arm on the mattress. I frowned as he closed his eyes, clearly in pain. I didn't want him to hurt himself just for the sake of being intimate, but he was determined. I watched as he reached down to remove his boxers and then tossed them onto the floor by the bed. I stared up at him and bit my lip in anticipation.

I wanted this. I wanted this for a long time. And if we were going to do this, I didn't want to hurt him.

Hooking my leg over his thigh, I pulled him over so he was on his back and I moved to be on top of him. I grinned down at him, blushing deep as I took control. I leaned over him to press another kiss to his lips when my hand brushed against the gunshot wound and he jolted in pain.

"Oh god, I am so sorry!" I sat up away from his body and stared down at him concerned. I was about to move off him to the other side of the mattress when he grabbed my hand.

"Elle, wait. It's okay. I'm okay."

I didn't believe that for a second, but he gave me a convincing smile and placed his arms on my shoulders to pull me back. As my body lined up against his, I could feel something hard brush up against my leg and I shivered.

This was really happening.

As if to calm my uneasiness, he reached up to cup my cheek. I smiled down at him sheepishly and then crossed my arms over myself and peeled my shirt from my body. Once naked, I felt the sudden need to cover myself, but I forced myself not to.

I was frozen in place as he stared up at me, his eyes scanning over my breasts, and then he fixated on something else—my scars. Negan reached up to my abdomen and began tracing the jagged lines etched in my skin. I closed my eyes and became lost in the feeling of his gentle touch.

"Beautiful…" he drawled.

As he traced the pink lines, I reached down to lightly touch the bandaged wound near his collarbone—the wound that almost took him away from me. We both seemed lost in thought as we stared at each other's injuries, and then our eyes locked.

In that very instant, it was just Negan and me.

No scars, no gunshot wounds, no wives, no enemies, no baseball bats, no ping pong balls.

Just us. Together. A priceless moment alone where I was completely exposed to him—not just my body, but my entire soul was bared.

And then his hand trailed down in between my legs, and I shivered at the feeling of his fingers brushing against my heat. Open mouthed, I remained still as he explored my most intimate parts. His fingers lightly brushed against my sensitive folds, causing a shiver to run through me.

He studied my face as he touched me, completely mesmerized at the little sounds escaping my lips as he turned me on with his ministrations. I became undone with each little curl of his finger, completely at his mercy. I was finally giving in to my carnal desire, something I'd been denying for far too long.

Reaching down to take his hand away from my body, I laced my fingers with his and moved to line myself up with his shaft. I closed my eyes and braced for what would come next, but Negan's hand squeezed mine in reassurance and everything became suspended in time.

As I opened my eyes, I was met with Negan's face. He looked almost fragile in the dim orange light, and I wished I could keep that image locked inside my mind forever. He looked perfect.

Maybe we were each other's weaknesses, but I found a certain sense of strength in being with him.

With my knees on either side of him, I slowly sank down and felt him enter inside me. I gasped softly at first, and then began to move my hips, testing the feeling. Negan moaned low and tightly gripped my hips with his hands in an attempt to guide my movements. The entire time we locked eyes as he slid deeper inside, and then I rose up a bit. As my body stretched to accept him, I willed myself to relax, trusting him completely.

We continued the motions, as our soft, labored breaths seemed to echo off the walls around us. I became completely lost in the sensation—in him. It was desperate, yet slow. Maybe we were making love, but in the moment I didn't care what we'd call it.

I just didn't want him to let me go.

I had become so caught up in pleasure that I hadn't realized I was slowing down my movements. Suddenly, Negan pulled me flat against his chest. I placed my hands on top of his shoulders for support as he began to thrust up, keeping me propped up in his lap as he leaned back against the headboard. I could tell he was struggling to hold himself up, but he seemed dead-set on keeping the close-knit position.

"Negan…" I moaned, throwing my head back as we rocked together. His thrusts became harder as his name escaping my lips only seemed to encourage him more. His hands gripped my ass, pulling me even closer towards him, and goosebumps spread across my flushed skin as he started nipping at my neck.

Sitting up in a attempt to relieve some pressure from his chest, I could feel my muscles start to clench around him. Burying my hands into the back of his hair, I guided his head towards mine and we met in an intense kiss. I could feel the stubble of his beard scratch my face, and I melted into the delicious burning sensation.

The rhythm was slow, yet powerful—a chaotic repetition that was a result of delaying the inevitable.

Every unspoken word, every emotion we'd kept locked up felt unleashed.

It was raw, passionate and so very, very real.

I buried my face into the side of his neck as my cheeks heated up, and I felt my high grow near with each thrust. I didn't want it to end, but couldn't fight the warmth stirring inside of me. Between the tingling flesh, the friction of my soft skin gliding along his length, and Negan's moans, I crept closer and closer to that heavenly edge.

When the warm wave of arousal finally rushed through me, I cried out in bliss. Negan pulled me flush against his body and held me there.

And then everything went still.

I knew we had both reached our state of ecstasy, but we didn't move. I continued to keep my face pressed into him, hearing the sound of his pounding heartbeat. It felt dreamlike, and I didn't want to wake up.

Coming down from the high, I eventually sat up to look at Negan, I found him gazing at my face with so much desire that any self doubt I had washed away in an instant.

He smiled up at me and I leaned into him to press another kiss against his lips. He returned it eagerly, running his tongue against mine and then broke away to look at me again.

"My Elle…" he whispered, and I felt my blush deepen. Even though it sounded possessive, I relished the idea of being his. It wasn't about owning or controlling me. It was endearing.

And in that same moment, I knew—without a single doubt in my mind—Negan was mine too.

As he relaxed back onto the pillows and tried to catch his breath, I moved off him so I was laying against his right side. Nuzzling against his bare chest, he pulled the blankets so they were covering us, and I let out a satisfied sigh at the feeling of the cool sheets on my legs. I listened to his pulse as he began to pet my head. His fingers snaked through my hair as I continued to try and calm my breathing.

I had never felt so safe as I did in his arms.

We said nothing, as there was nothing left to be said. The silence was comfortable—almost peaceful. I felt exhausted, but happy.

I felt alive.

Negan continued to brush my hair with his fingers, and I had almost dozed off from the soothing sensation when a knock sounded at my door.

Sitting up and pulling the sheet to cover my naked body, my eyes went to Negan who was staring across the room.

"Come in!" Negan called out, making my heart leap into my throat.

 _Was he insane?!_

I didn't have time to even think about the repercussions or who could possibly be coming to my room this late at night. Whoever it was, they were about to catch me in bed with Negan.

I wanted to crawl under the blankets and hide, but it was no use. The person on the other side of the door hesitated, probably shocked to hear Negan's voice, and then twisted the knob.

Amy stared at the sight of Negan and me laying in my bed for a few long, drawn out seconds without saying anything. But she didn't need to. I could see her bewildered look from across the room illuminated by the lamp. Negan's arm was wrapped around me, and he didn't seem fazed at all by Amy's presence.

I, on the other hand, had never felt more embarrassed in my life.

Amy cleared her throat and locked eyes with me.

"Eric went to go check on the gate to make sure the lock was holding, and someone was outside." She seemed to be ignoring Negan, and I was grateful for that. Then as her words sunk in, I sat up more, pulling the sheet with me and scrunched my brow.

"Who?"

Amy glanced over at Negan and then back to me. With a tight frown she took a deep breath and answered.

"Derek."

Negan glanced down at me with a serious expression and I took a deep breath.

"Tell him I'll be right there."


	36. Chapter 36: Guilt

Amy left my room, pulling the door shut behind her and I closed my eyes, trying to steady my nerves. Derek was outside, waiting for me. I didn't even know what I was going to say to him. I just knew he couldn't find out we had Negan.

I climbed over Negan to get out of bed and took the knitted white blanket with me, wrapping it around my naked form. Surprisingly, Negan didn't say anything as I picked up my bra from the floor. Grabbing my jeans and a clean shirt, I rushed out to the bathroom to clean myself up.

Once I was decent and dressed, I went back to my room and grabbed a hairbrush to fix my tussled hair. Negan watched me in silence. I took a deep breath and then turned to him.

"Stay here," I ordered as I slipped on my shoes. Negan grinned at me.

"Want me to hide under the bed?" he teased.

I shook my head. I knew he was just joking, but I planned on keeping Derek outside, if I could. Negan appeared to be very calm about the situation and not in a least bit fazed that Derek was looking for him. I glanced over to where Negan was laying in my bed and at the gauze covering his gunshot wound. We'd been able to escape for a little bit, getting lost in each other, but now reality was crashing down again. If I wanted to protect him, I needed to get Derek to leave.

As I headed for the door, Negan's voice made me freeze in my tracks.

"You could solve a lot of fucking problems if you would just shoot the bastard."

Turning back to face him, I gave him a stern look.

"I could solve a lot of problems if I shot you too."

"Touché." Negan chuckled and then leaned back on the pillow, stretching.

Before he could say anything else, I pulled my door closed and headed down the hall towards the front doors of the school. Hurrying outside, I made my way over to the gate. It was dark out, and the only light that was shining was from a flashlight in Derek's hand.

I noticed Derek was standing on the threshold of the gate and Eric and Amy were with him. I smiled warmly at them as I approached, noting that I hadn't grabbed my gun or knife. I hoped I wouldn't need them.

"Hello, Elle," Derek said. He had a serious expression on his face, but I could barely see it from the way the flashlight was aimed.

"Hey, Derek." I nodded at him and then placed a hand on Eric's shoulder. "Why don't you guys go back to bed," I suggested, gesturing to the school with my head.

Eric glanced over to me and gave me a wary look, but I smiled wider at him. This would go so much smoother if Eric and Amy went inside. Fortunately for me, Eric nodded and after they said goodnight to Derek, they both went inside. Derek and I didn't speak until the doors to the school closed, and then we were completely alone.

"It's a little late, isn't it, Derek?" I asked, laughing a bit and leaning against the gate nonchalantly. I hoped I didn't sound as nervous as I felt.

"I'm looking for Negan."

A chill ran through me, but I maintained my composure. I furrowed my brow in confusion, and then pulled the gate open more.

"Why don't you come in?" I asked, gesturing for him to enter the yard. Derek shook his head and then pointed at the gate.

"What happened here?" His eyes were locked on mine like he was trying to read my facial expressions. I glanced over at the broken gate and remembered the sight of Negan's damaged truck.

"Oh, that? Eric crashed our car a few days ago. He wasn't paying attention to what gear the car was shifted into." I watched as Derek's eyes went from the gate to the dented car that was parked behind me a ways. He shined the flashlight towards it to examine the damaged front and cracked windshield. I turned to look at it myself and then faced him again, watching to see if he was buying our lie. Eric had crashed the car into our back wall to make it look like it had run into the gate.

"It made a loud sound and attracted a ton of walkers," I continued to explain, grateful that it wasn't a total lie. Derek glanced around him to where Doveport had stood its ground against the horde of walkers. There was still blood soaking into the dirt and grass, and he stared at it while shining the light. "Eric feels really guilty about the whole thing. He's worked so hard on that car, and then made such a silly mistake. Do me a favor and don't tell him I told you, yeah?"

Derek shined the light towards me and right at my face, making me squint and raise a hand up. I twisted my head away and winced as he shined the light in my eyes.

"Have you seen Negan?" he asked, unsmiling.

I shook my head, still holding my hand up to shield the blinding light.

"No, I haven't. Why?" I wondered if Derek could smell Negan's scent on me. I had just been as close as I could possibly get with him and became paranoid he was onto me. "Derek, you're scaring me." At least _that_ wasn't a lie.

After staring me down for what felt like an eternity, Derek let out a long sigh. He moved the light away so it was no longer in my eyes.

"I almost had him, Elle." He shook his head as if he was remembering what happened. "He came by the mall a week ago and we made our move. I killed four of his men, and shot at him, but he got away. We've been at war with the Saviors ever since. They've been attacking us nonstop. I've got a guy watching the factory, and he said Negan never went back. I figured he's either holed up in one of his communities or he bled out somewhere. I hope it's the latter."

So Negan was right; Derek did have a man watching the Sanctuary. I tried my best to appear surprised and concerned.

"Is Charlotte okay?" I asked, actually curious to know if his sister was alright. I did care about her and had noticed she hadn't accompanied him. Derek nodded quickly and spoke.

"She's at the mall and doesn't know I'm here."

If Charlotte didn't know he had come to Doveport, there was a reason for that. If they suspected Negan went to one of his communities, Doveport would have come up in conversation. I could only imagine Charlotte defended us, but Derek was standing before me for one simple reason.

"You think he's here." We held gazes for a few moments and I noticed he seemed nervous too.

"Is he?" Derek asked flat out.

I continued to look him in the eye.

"No."

He had been peering at me so intensely when suddenly a growl came from our right. We both jumped at the sound, and then Derek shined the flashlight on an approaching walker. It was dragging itself towards us, but moving slow.

I hadn't brought a weapon and began to back up further into the school yard when I watched Derek pull out a hunting knife. Holding the flashlight in his left hand and the knife in his right, Derek walked up to the creature and stabbed it through the top of its head. It fell down onto the ground, and he kicked it away with his boot. Once the threat was disposed, Derek returned to where he had been standing and sheathed his knife.

"I trust you, Elle. You guys are our friends, but I just had to be sure. I haven't been able to sleep all week, and Charlotte said you wouldn't betray us, but I needed to know."

My heart hurt hearing him say that. I considered Derek a friend too, and lying to him wasn't easy. I cared about Charlotte and everyone else from Greenbrier; I just couldn't let them kill Negan.

Derek stared at the school behind me for a few brief seconds and then turned his attention back on me.

"If you see him, kill him for me." Derek's determined look returned to his face; he had such a confidence in himself and was unwavering. It was almost similar to Negan's cocky demeanor.

As Derek turned from me to go to his car, I took the opportunity to swallow the lump that had formed in my throat and tried to find my voice.

"Okay," I finally answered, but I could hear the uncertainty in my voice.

Derek didn't seem to notice my fickleness and started the car's engine. I grabbed the gate and pulled it closed, quickly locking it. Placing my back to the metal frame, I waited until the sound of the car's engine disappeared down the road. Once it was gone, I let out a huge sigh; I felt both relieved and anxious. Derek didn't go into the school, but I had just lied to someone I called my friend.

Heading back into the school, I found Eric and Amy waiting for me by the front door. It didn't surprise me that they hadn't returned to bed, and I figured they both were as nervous as I was about Derek showing up.

"What did he want?" Amy asked, looking at me with frightened eyes. I leaned against the wall and brought a hand up to my forehead.

"He's looking for Negan," I admitted.

"So what did you tell him?" Eric asked, sounding worried. He had one hand on his hip and the other around Amy. Eric was still dressed, but Amy was wearing a huge t-shirt we had found for her large belly that she used as a nightgown. We all looked exhausted. In the moment, I wondered if we would ever truly have a moment of peace in this world.

"I told him we haven't seen him. Derek said if we do we're supposed to kill him," I explained. Amy glanced out the window at the gate as if she expected Derek to be there again.

"He believed you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I think we're good for now. We should all try and get some sleep." I gave her a smile in an attempt to be reassuring. They both seemed content with that, and Eric went to take Amy's hand, but she brushed it away.

"I'll be right there, honey," she said, not moving from her place. Eric nodded and then left us to head down the hall. Once he disappeared into their bedroom and pulled the door closed, Amy spun to face me. She looked furious; her face scrunched bitterly and her brows knotted together in anger.

"Are you insane?!" she asked in a harsh whisper. "You slept with him?!" Her voice rose accusingly, and I shushed her.

"Amy, please," I begged in a quiet voice. She stared at me like I was out of my mind. I looked away, feeling ashamed.

There is was. The inevitable guilt.

When I didn't say anything else, Amy let out a frustrated huff.

"What do you want me to say, Amy? I like him. I thought you knew that already."

"That was before we became friends with Derek and Charlotte. And this isn't just any guy, Elle. This is Negan. _NEGAN_." She put emphasis on his name. "If Derek knew you were fucking him, we'd be dead already."

"Derek doesn't need to know. No one else has to know about this, okay?" I didn't need Vivienne, Eric, and the others knowing I was sleeping with Negan. They wouldn't understand, especially if my best friend couldn't wrap her head around the concept.

"No, Elle. No more secrets. You need to be honest, remember?"

"My sex life isn't anyone's business!" I fired back, glaring at her. "Jesus Amy, you want me to tell you the details?!"

"I want you to THINK! I want us to stop LYING! You just lied to Derek. You are sleeping with his enemy! Every single time we lie it comes back to bite us in the ass, Elle." She began to appear less angry and more frightened and gestured outside. "What if he comes back? What if he wants to come into the school and search? What if he finds out Negan is here and we patched him up?" Amy's bottom lip quivered and a tear fell down her face. I stood speechless as I watched her try to fight the tears and she sniffled.

"I have a baby to think about. I know you care about Negan, but we are going to have to choose a side. You can't pick both. Derek and Charlotte are our friends. They've helped us out a lot. Negan makes us work and he… he hurts people, Elle…"

"I know," I whispered. The guilt felt like it was going to eat through me. Amy was right—sleeping with Negan was risky and foolish. I couldn't deny an allegiance to him if he was sharing my bed.

Amy stared at me for a long time before she brushed her red hair back and cleared her throat.

"I can't control you, Elle. Just… just be careful, okay? You're making decisions that affect all of us, and I don't think your head is in the right place. Negan's changed because of this world. He's adapted to deal with the bad things, but in doing so, he's become something bad. You haven't done that yet. You're still good."

Amy had never liked him from the start, but she couldn't try to tell me that he was bad and I was good after everything that had happened. This world wasn't black and white like that. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"I beat Adam to death with a bat." My voice was cold as I pointed out that night as an example of my depravity, "And I keep lying."

"You are good, Elle." Her tone had changed from accusatory to gentle and she sighed while glancing down the hall. "And I know Negan cares about you. Going through all this crap is a hell of a lot easier when you have someone to share it with. Just… Did you really have to pick Negan of all people?" All seriousness was gone and she gave me an over-dramatic, judgmental look.

"Want me to see if Derek's single?" I rose an eyebrow and she narrowed her eyes at me. "I could sleep with him too and _really_ complicate things."

"That is _NOT_ funny." She playfully punched my arm and I grinned. "Besides, I don't wanna see what Negan would do to Derek if you slept with him. I have a feeling Negan isn't gonna want to share you."

"If he can have wives, why can't I have husbands?" I pursed my lips out in a big pout and gave Amy a coquettish look. She burst out into a fit of giggles and threw her head back.

I felt better about things—maybe Amy didn't like that I was getting so close with Negan, but at least she was honest with me about it. Her disdain for it came from the fact that it would make things with Greenbrier that more difficult.

We both finished laughing and then Amy became serious again.

"Just be careful, okay?" she held her arms open, offering me a hug. "You're like my sister, and I don't want you to get hurt."

I nodded. "I won't. I promise. It's gonna be okay." I accepted her hug and felt her extended belly press into me. I loved her like she was my sister too, and I was glad we were able to talk about things.

Once we finished hugging, Amy headed down the hall to go back to bed. I watched as she disappeared into her room and then went to my own.

I found Negan was still in the same spot, laying in my bed; his boxers were still on the floor and in his hands was my book that he had picked up from my nightstand. He actually appeared to be reading it, but looked up as I entered the bedroom.

"And?" he asked.

I pulled my shirt off over my head to reveal my bra, but kept it on, deciding I would return to bed in my underwear. "You owe me," I muttered, unzipping my jeans.

"Oh, do I now?" Negan set the book down on my nightstand and watched as I pulled off my pants.

"Yes. I convinced Derek you're not hiding out here."

"But I _owe_ you?" Negan put emphasis on the word and I looked up at him. I realized it was the same thing he had said to me when he had saved us from Caleb and brought us back to the Sanctuary—the same thing that had pissed me off bad enough that I had stripped in front of his men in an attempt to get revenge.

Twisting my face into a sour look, I narrowed my eyes, earning me a laugh from him.

"After all I've fuckin' done for you, I'm pretty sure I've more than earned my keep." His tone was teasing and as I put my clothes away, and I shook my head.

"Negan, this is serious. Derek wants to finish you off."

"I'd like to see him fuckin' try."

I rolled my eyes as I kicked off my shoes. He was being arrogant about things, and it was exhausting me, but I was too tired to argue with him anymore. I headed over to the end of the bed and crawled over the mattress to the spot next to Negan. I flopped down onto my pillow and buried my face into it. I was beat and just wanted to sleep, but had too much on my mind.

I heard the click of my lamp as Negan turned it off and rid the room of light. As he settled in next to me, I turned on my side to face him. He was on his side looking at me, but I could barely see his features in the dark room.

"Was this a mistake?" I whispered, grateful he couldn't see the worry on my face. Amy's disapproval at finding me with Negan had me feeling uncertain about my decision, and I almost wished he would get up and go back to his own room.

"What?" Negan's voice was husky and I took a deep breath before answering him.

"This," I said, referring to him and me. "All of it. You coming here. To the school. To my room. I just…" I trailed off, not knowing how to finish what I was trying to say.

Negan closed the short distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. He nuzzled his nose against mine, gauging where my features were, and then his lips found mine. I kissed him back, melting into his gentle touch. It was a soft kiss—an almost innocent one.

How could someone so cruel be so tender with me?

I thought about what Amy said about Negan being bad. I knew he wasn't a saint, but I couldn't see him as a monster anymore. Not after everything we'd been through. Not when he was holding me this way.

When Negan broke the kiss and sat back, I immediately missed the sensation. Being with him made me forget all of my problems, but the second we stopped, it all came flooding back in my mind.

"You worry too fucking much," he said, relaxing back onto the pillow. He kept an arm around me and rubbed up and down my back soothingly. "One day at a time, babe. One day at a time."

My heart fluttered.

 _Babe._

I couldn't help but smile as he used the pet-name. My cheeks heated up and I was glad he couldn't see my reaction in the dark. I liked hearing him call me that. God I felt like a schoolgirl. Part of me hated how he made butterflies form inside my stomach, and another never wanted any of it to end.

Negan was right—there was a lot I needed to take care of the next day, but in that moment I needed to allow myself to relax. Derek was gone, and there was no sense in losing precious sleep.

And sure, maybe Amy didn't like that I was with Negan, but just because I couldn't explain my feelings for him didn't mean that they weren't there. Maybe it was wrong of me to enjoy laying with him, but I could return to my guilt trip later.

For now, as I nuzzled into him and closed my eyes, I was right where I wanted to be.


	37. Chapter 37: Right Hand

Days passed with no sign of Derek. It appeared he had believed me when I told him Negan wasn't at Doveport. We were still nervous about things, but every day Derek didn't show up was another day for Negan to heal. He was still in a lot of pain, but that didn't stop him from sneaking into my bedroom every night.

During the day I felt guilty about being with him, but at night, all my worries disappeared as soon as he kissed me. Negan was the perfect distraction, and every time he took me away I felt at peace with myself. We were arguing less, and things actually seemed good between us. We'd share little smiles during the day and create memories at night. It was bliss.

But even though sex with Negan was amazing, it wasn't enough to make me relax completely. Derek could show up any moment, and I still had a community to run. Negan would tease me that I was too tense, but it was impossible to let my guard down with the current situation. He always fell asleep first and it took me a little longer to finally doze off in his arms.

One afternoon I was outside helping Amy with laundry. We had set up a clothesline between two trees, and I was taking down dried clothes and folding them to place back into the basket. Negan was napping inside; he refused to leave my bed that day and had tried to convince me to stay with him, but I had things to do. Ryan and Eric were helping Vivienne with some projects in the kitchen, and the other Doveporters were doing an inventory of our food. Negan hadn't been taking our scavenged items anymore, and we were actually doing well for once.

I looked up just as Amy started to come out of the school carrying a full basket of wet clothes.

"I've got it," I said, jogging over to her. I grabbed the basket from her hands, and as I did her face twisted in annoyance.

"I had it, Elle." She hurried past me over to the clothesline to gather some pins. "I'm fully capable of doing things around here."

"I know.. It's just.. The baby." I gestured to her large belly. Our new Doveporter would be here any day, and I was so excited to meet her. "You've gotta be careful, Amy."

Amy scoffed and shook her head. "If the stress hasn't killed her yet, nothing will."

She had a point. That baby had been through enough trauma to last a lifetime. I hoped all the stress that Amy had been through wouldn't affect her daughter.

I picked up a shirt from the damp pile and held it up. It was a tee shirt Negan had worn, and as I stared at the grey fabric, I smiled. I had peeled it off him when he had visited me late one night. I was gazing at the shirt in my hands, reminiscing, when Amy noticed me.

"Heard you guys going at it again last night," she muttered under her breath, pinning a pair of pants to the clothesline.

"Sorry," I mumbled, giving her an apologetic look. It was easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment with Negan, and he wasn't exactly noiseless.

"At least Eric and I were quiet," she said shaking her head, but I noticed she was smiling.

"I think I heard you guys a couples times," I teased, "Our rooms are near each other."

"Yeah, and Negan's room is towards the end of the hall. Ever consider going to him one of these nights, or is there something magical about your bed?" She tried to give me a disapproving look, but it didn't last, and her lip twitched upwards.

"Well you see," I said in a low voice, trying not to laugh as I spoke, "It just turns me on so much knowing that you're listening."

"Shut up!" She threw a damp shirt at me and it landed on the grass. We both burst out in a fit of giggles. Amy wasn't making me feel bad about being with Negan anymore, and I was glad we could laugh about it.

After we regained our composure, we went back to work hanging up the wet clothes to dry. Many of the articles of clothing were the ones that Derek and Charlotte had brought us from the mall. We were grateful to get unused, clean clothes, and we were doing our best to take care of them.

"Maybe if we can figure out this stuff with Derek things will be good," Amy said, taking down some dry clothes and folding them together. "Negan talked to me yesterday and said I can give birth at the Sanctuary. Dr. Carson is prepared to assist me with it. It's not what he specialized in before, but Negan said he's confident that Carson can handle it. Otherwise, I guess he has a brother that works at another settlement, and Negan said I could go there."

I smiled as she spoke. Negan really did have good connections. Amy had options, but either way, it felt like everything was going to be okay when it came to the baby.

Before I could say anything, the sound of vehicles approaching the gate made me look up in concern. My heart sank. If Derek was outside, we had very little time to hide Negan.

Ryan was still inside, so I went over to the gate, giving Amy a wary look. She nodded and headed to go inside the school, leaving the laundry behind her. She'd warn Negan, and I'd try and stall to give her time.

I held my breath as I prepared to open the gate, expecting to see an army waiting for me on the other side. Would he just shoot me the moment I opened it?

My heart was pounding as I pulled the gate open and came face to face with a tall man who was smirking down at me. I stared up at his receding hairline, short-sleeved shirt and thick mustache. I had never seen him before.

Placing my hand on my holstered Ruger, I stared at him coldly.

"I'm armed," I warned, wondering if I shouldn't just draw my weapon and kill him now. I could see there were multiple pickup trucks parked behind him, but my eyes were locked on him. He didn't even blink.

"Good afternoon to you too," he said as he raised his eyebrows in mock surprise at me. "And here I thought you'd be more well-mannered."

I frowned and gripped the gate, getting ready to close it in his face.

"We don't have anything, so you're wasting your time." I went to pull the metal door closed, but the strange man stuck his boot out in the way. I glared at him as he grinned back at me.

"But you DO have something!" Using his foot, he moved the gate partially open again and gestured to the school. "I'm here for Negan."

I had to fight the urge to furrow my brow in confusion. Was this one of Derek's men? Was he offering me a chance to hand Negan over without anyone getting hurt? I didn't know what to think, but I certainly wasn't going to give Negan up.

I continued to glower at him. "He's not here."

The man put his hands on his hips and pursed his lips. "Is that so?"

I nodded and gripped the gate tightly, prepared to slam it on his foot.

"Yep, but if I see him, I'll let him know you stopped by." I went to close the gate again, but the man reached out and grabbed it to stop me. Leaning into my face and grinning, his entire demeanor almost reminded me of Caleb.

"I know for a fact he's here, sweetheart." He stared down at my hand that was resting on my Ruger. "He radioed me this morning and told me to bring him home."

It was only then that I _really_ looked at the trucks behind him and immediately recognized them. They were Saviors, but I had never met this mustached one before. I knew some of the other men sitting inside the trucks and stared at them in silence. They probably thought I had lost my mind.

"I'm Simon, by the way. And you're Elle— _Negan's little firecracker_." Simon smirked and I finally looked back at him.

"He's never mentioned you," I said, just a little too harshly—but it was true. Negan hadn't mentioned a Simon or that he wanted to go home. I knew he had his radio, but I'd thought he'd stay with us just a little while longer.

Simon feigned being hurt and stuck out his bottom lip in a pout. Before he could speak, the front door to the school opened. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Negan come walking out with Amy. He came over to the gate, where Simon and I were both still clutching onto the metal.

"Took you long enough," Negan muttered, coming to stand next to me, and I finally let go of the gate. I stared up at him feeling confused, not understanding why he hadn't talked to me about any of this.

"Sorry, boss," Simon answered, also releasing the gate and giving me a wide grin. "I was arguing with your girlfriend."

"I'm not his girlfriend!" I snarled, but I didn't look away from Negan. "Why didn't you tell me they were coming?"

"Must have slipped my mind," Negan mumbled, and I frowned at him, knowing he was full of shit. "Have them pull the damn trucks into the yard and come talk to me inside the school."

Simon nodded once and then gestured with his hand towards the trucks, motioning them forward. The engines started and Negan pulled the gate fully open for them to enter. I watched him slightly wince as he gripped the metal door, and I stepped to the side as the pickups drove into the yard. I was grateful they weren't going to wait outside in case Derek showed up, but I wondered if Negan was really going to leave now that his men were here.

Once the Saviors were inside Doveport's walls, Negan ordered his men to stay outside and then led Simon inside the school. I followed behind quietly as we went into the principal's office, and Negan sat down in the big chair behind the desk. He patted his lap and raised his eyebrow in invitation, but I looked askance and leaned up against the wall. Simon sat down on one of the little chairs opposite of Negan.

"So Simon, what the fuck is our current status with this shit?" Negan asked, studying the mustached man. Simon glanced over at me and didn't speak, and Negan turned his head to look at me too. "We can trust her," he reassured Simon.

Simon nodded and then turned his attention back on Negan.

"The Mallrat scout that was watching the factory has been killed. We're all ready to bring you back to Sanctuary."

I frowned at hearing that. I didn't want Negan to leave, but I knew he would have to go eventually. He had communities to run and people to take care of, but there was a selfish part of me that wanted to keep him to myself.

"Derek and his men are all back at the mall. We're confident we can take them out. We've just been waiting for your word," Simon explained.

My eyes widened.

"You can't!" I blurted, causing both Negan and Simon to turn and look at my frightened face. "You can't kill them!"

"Oh, but we can," Simon said with a furrowed brow, not understanding my outburst.

Ignoring him and going over to Negan, I held his gaze.

"Let me talk to Derek."

Negan stared at me for a long time without saying anything.

"You owe me that. Give me a chance to work things out. I can get through to him. Please, Negan," I pleaded.

Simon stayed quiet as I begged Negan to let me try to broker peace between the Saviors and Greenbrier. After a few more moments, Negan looked away and he glared across the room.

"If I see Derek again, he's going to fucking die."

I shook my head, not wanting to hear it.

"I know you want revenge, but you can be better than that, Negan. I know you're better than that. Please. I know I can fix this. Let me fix this."

I was surprised when he turned back and took my hand into his. His serious expression remained, but there was a passionate look in his eye as he squeezed my hand.

"Come with me," he said quietly. "Forget about this shit. Come live with me at the Sanctuary. Simon can take care of the fucking Mallrats." A sly smile spread on his face as he spoke. "These last few, fucking-fantastically-fun nights don't have to be our last."

I blushed and turned to hide my face. I would have preferred he not talk about this in front of Simon, but Simon didn't even seem the least bit uncomfortable. I wondered if he was used to Negan's colorful personality and how close they were.

I wondered what Simon thought about his wives.

 _Wives._

I had forgotten all about Tanya, Frankie, Amber and the others. We had been so caught up in each other the last couple days that I had been ignoring the reality of our situation. Negan was doing the same thing he was doing with me with five other women.

Letting his hand go, I took a step away from him.

"Good thing you've got so many women back home to take care of that," I muttered, hanging my head down. Negan stared at me for a long minute and then, without taking his eyes off me, addressed Simon.

"Give us a minute." It wasn't a question.

Simon stood up and left the room as I stared down at the floor. Once we were alone, Negan stood up from the chair and placed his hands on my wrists and squeezing lightly.

"Elle, look at me," he insisted, stepping into my personal space and tilting his head to try and see my face. When I finally met his eyes, he took a breath. "I'm fucking serious. I want you to move to Sanctuary with me."

I knew he was serious—I hadn't doubted his sincerity. He had wanted me to move there with him even when Philip was alive. He'd asked me so many times that I'd lost count, but now things were different. Now I wanted to go with him, but there was just one little thing stopping me.

"Are you gonna leave your wives?" I asked in a low voice.

Negan didn't respond. He just continued to stare at me with his poker face, and I let out a frustrated sigh.

"I won't be number six, Negan."

"I'm not asking you to be." His grip on my wrists relaxed, and he tried to place his hands in mine, but I pulled away and crossed my arms.

"I don't want to share you," I whispered, shaking my head in disgust at the idea. "You might be into that, but I'm not. I can't be with you and know you're sleeping with five other women."

"It's more than sex," Negan said. He almost sounded desperate, like he was trying to get me to hear him out. "I'm protecting these women. They were fucking vulnerable until they met me. Being my wife means no one can fucking touch you. You can boss my men around. You don't have to work. You'll be safe."

"I'm safe here," I argued, frowning at him. "And you could protect them without sleeping with them."

Negan's face turned grim and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"I'm not forcing them," he said defensively.

"I'm not saying you are. I'm saying I don't want to be another notch in your bedpost." I swallowed hard and looked away.

"You're not," he insisted.

I didn't know what to think. I pondered what he told me about marrying his wives to protect them. Negan meant well, but there was still something so morbid about the concept. I had been in the parlor room. I had seen that life up close, and it had been unnerving. I remembered their black dresses and high heels. They looked like some sort of exquisite club, but I had yet to see any of them interact with Negan.

Did he kiss them the same way he kissed me?

Did he make love to them like he did with me?

Did he hold them in his arms afterwards?

I had so many questions, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answers to them.

And it didn't matter. I had a mission.

"I can't move to Sanctuary. I need to go to Greenbrier and talk to Derek." The discussion about moving with him had been a distraction, but I wouldn't let him sidetrack me again. We could figure all this out another time. "You need to tell me how to get to the mall."

Negan frowned at me, but I held my ground and continued to give him a critical look.

"You have to let me try," I whispered, staring at his handsome face. Of all the men I had to pick, it just _had_ to be Negan. The man who was married to five women and who burned people's faces. The man who wanted to go slaughter Derek and his men. But as I tried to read his expression, I realized something…

He hadn't said no.

Negan gazed into my eyes for a long time, as if he was trying to think of something else to say. I wanted him to. I wanted him to tell me he'd leave his wives if it meant I'd go with him. I wanted him to promise me he wouldn't hurt Derek.

I knew better.

Negan broke our long gaze and headed over to the desk, opening a drawer. I watched him remove a map and unfold it onto the desk. Studying it for a few minutes, he used his finger to mark a spot, picked up a pen from the desk, and circled it.

"The mall's there," he mumbled, clicking the pen and tossing it back on top of the desk. His voice was void of emotion and his expression was hard. I went over to the desk and stared down at the circled spot and then folded the map up.

He was going to give me a chance to talk to Derek, and I couldn't help but feel hopeful. If I could just sit down with Greenbrier, I could convince them to stop fighting the Saviors. It was a long shot, but it was possible, and maybe after I could talk to Negan about going easier on them.

But as we stood there in the office, things felt awkward, and I hated it. I hated that there was always some stupid argument to be had—some disagreement that kept us at a distance from one another. I wished things were easier, but deep down I knew they never would be.

Negan went to leave the room when I called out to him.

"Wait." I rounded the desk to where he had stopped and reached out to him. Taking his arm and pulling him to face me again, I gave him a sheepish smile. "Thank you."

Negan smiled a little and then glanced down at his belt and removed something. Holding it out to me, I stared down at the black rectangular object—his walkie talkie.

"If you need anything, and I mean fucking _anything_ , use this. Ask for me. Some asshole's always listening."

I nodded, clutching the object in my hand, and then gave him a sad smile. "Guess this is goodbye for now?"

Negan nodded and then glanced over his shoulder. Turning back to me, his eyes went to my lips and he almost seemed unsure of himself. Then he placed a hand on the back of my waist and pulled me towards him.

Wrapping my arms around his neck with the walkie talkie still in my grasp, I met him halfway in a passionate kiss. Our lips melded together as he pressed me against him, and I clung to his neck. There was something different about this kiss; it was demanding, like it was the last one we'd share for a while. Maybe it was.

I didn't want him to leave, but I couldn't go with him to the Sanctuary. I had to go to Greenbrier and try to make things right. Still, I didn't move away from him as we kissed. My skin tingled and I clutched onto him desperately, knowing once we stopped it would be awhile before I could hold him again.

Our first kiss had been in the same room, and I felt transported back to that day. I had threatened one of his men and he had practically dragged me into the office. We had been arguing, and I had kissed him to shut him up, but it hadn't gone the way I had expected.

Back then, I was in denial about these feelings for him. But now, I knew I couldn't run away from it. We always found our way back to each other, through all the craziness. I found solace in knowing that as he broke the kiss to smirk down at me.

"There's no way I can convince you to come back with me?"

I shook my head and matched his smile. "You really don't like taking no for an answer, do you?"

"I don't like being away from you," he admitted, reaching up to tuck some of my hair behind my ear. My cheeks heated up and I stepped back from him, feeling flustered.

"Well, you know where to find me," I said with a nervous chuckle. It was tempting—I almost wanted to forget about Greenbrier and just go with him, but I had to try and fix this.

And there was still the matter of his wives. We needed to have a better conversation about them, but right now we didn't have time. I had to go to Greenbrier and convince Derek to stop fighting.

Negan sighed and then pulled me into an embrace. "Be careful," he said softly, pressing his face into my hair. I didn't hug him back and stared over his shoulder.

 _Did he hug his wives like this?_

He let me go and then left the office, with Simon following him towards the exit. I stood there feeling conflicted. I couldn't stop thinking about those women in their tight black dresses, and whether Negan treated them the same way he treated me.

I let out a frustrated sigh, and then my eyes noticed the map that was still folded on top of the desk.

Right then, there were more important things I needed to worry about.

* * *

Negan left with Simon and his men quite quickly. The others were surprised at him leaving, but once I explained my plan to go to Greenbrier, they were less focused on Negan and more on my plan. Vivienne and Eric seemed unsure about me going, but Amy thought it was a great idea. She was confident that Derek and Charlotte wouldn't hurt me.

The mall was only a few hours away, so I planned accordingly. Taking a little food and some water, I also packed the map and brought my Ruger—just in case.

I was making sure the car was ready and eyed the cracked windshield. Luckily it wasn't damaged too terribly and I'd be able to see out it. Eric came up to me just as I opened the driver's side door.

"Let me go with you," he insisted.

"No, you have to stay. Things could go bad, and I need you here if something happens to me." I remembered the way Eric had organized the fight against the walkers when the gate was destroyed and knew he was a capable leader. "You're in charge while I'm gone."

Eric clearly didn't like that I wouldn't let him go, but he nodded at me and then wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I hugged him back and watched as Amy approached us. I held my arms out to her and she hugged me tightly, her large belly pressed into me as she squeezed.

"If anyone can fix this, it's you, Elle," she said against my ear.

Waving goodbye to the others, I got into the car and turned the key in the ignition. Ryan opened the gate for me, and I drove out, leaving the school.

As I headed down the road, I glanced over at the map and tried to calm my nerves.

I really hoped Amy was right.


	38. Chapter 38: Middle Ground

It took about two hours to reach the city where Greenbrier was located. As I sped past a dirty, green mile marker sign, I gripped the steering wheel and tried to refrain from turning back. The closer I got to the mall, the more I started to regret my decision to try and talk to Derek. Once he learned I had harbored Negan, he would never trust me again—and I needed him to listen to me now more than ever.

At first I was afraid I'd pass by it, but as I came down the highway I realized missing it would be pretty damn hard to do. Taking an exit and driving by a group of walkers that were stumbling through a ditch, I came down a road leading to the mall.

It was _massive_.

When Derek and Charlotte had talked about their home, I had assumed it would be in a little strip mall with a few shops. Instead, as I pulled into a large parking lot, I stared at the huge structure with wide eyes. Name brand stores with their lettered signs were still hanging over doorways, but most of the entrances had been barricaded with cars, tables and chairs.

As I took in the large building before me, I was surprised Negan hadn't evicted them and moved his people from the factory to Greenbrier. The mall seemed much nicer than the Sanctuary, but it was located in a fairly populated city; I had passed by numerous walkers on the drive.

I drove around the backside of the mall through the empty lots until I found a place where a few cars were parked near an entrance. Pulling up next to the vehicles, I took a few deep breaths and mentally prepared myself. I had no clue how Derek would react to me showing up on his doorstep, and needed to be careful about how I handled this.

Stepping out of the car, I shoved the car keys into the pocket of my gray hoodie and then checked to make sure my gun was at the ready in the hostler at my hip. I closed the car door and then began walking across the parking lot to the entrance. My eyes were locked onto the multiple black doors as I came near. I watched as they opened before I was even halfway to them and Charlotte came out.

"Elle?" she asked surprised, as she closed the distance between us. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes went from me to the damaged car, and she became instantly concerned. "Oh my god! What happened?!"

"I'm okay, Charlotte. Really. Everyone is okay," I reassured her, coming to a stop just outside the entrance and underneath an awning, "I just need to talk to Derek."

"He's inside. What the hell happened to your car?" She studied the damage vehicle with a worried look.

"We had an accident. No one got hurt." I knew I shouldn't continue to lie, but I needed to speak to Derek before coming clean about how our car actually got wrecked. I wasn't sure if Charlotte knew about our bent gate, or if Derek even told her about his late night visit a few days prior.

"How's Amy doing?" Charlotte asked conversationally, turning to walk with me towards the front doors. "I've been wanting to come see you, but we've been expecting the Saviors to pounce any second."

"Amy's fine. And actually, I'm here to talk to you about that…"

Before I could continue speaking, the doors to the mall flew open and Derek came out. Immediately, I could see he was pissed; his fists were clenched and he had a scowl on his face. I stopped dead in my tracks and Charlotte froze next to me.

"Elle… how did you find us?" she asked in a quiet voice, turning to look at me and ignoring her approaching brother. The next thing I knew, Derek whipped out a pistol and pointed it at my forehead. I slowly raised my hands up and gulped.

 _Fuck._

"Woah! Derek!" Charlotte exclaimed, staring at her brother alarmed. "What the fuck?!"

"I know how she found us." Derek pressed the barrel of the gun hard into my forehead and my entire body froze. The irony of my situation was not lost on me in the moment—the first time I had met Derek, I'd pointed my Ruger right at his head. Now the tables were turned, except now Derek had even more incentive to shoot me. "Negan told her."

Derek glared and Charlotte studied me, confused. I didn't know what I could possibly say in the moment and noticed my raised hands were shaking. I had hoped the friendship we had formed in the last few weeks would be enough for him to hear me out. Now, as I saw the red hot anger in Derek's eyes, I was starting to think this little mission had been a big mistake.

"You had him the whole time!" Derek asserted with a growl. "I asked you if he was at the school and you said no! You _LIED_ to me!"

I shut my eyes, expecting to hear the sound of the pistol firing that was pressing hard into my skin at any second when Charlotte's voice made me open my eyes.

"Drop the gun, Derek," she urged, giving him a stern look.

He shook his head and glowered at me.

"I should have never trusted you."

I took a slow breath, hoping that me opening my mouth wouldn't get me killed. "I'm here because I don't want to see you guys get hurt."

Unimpressed with my words, he narrowed his eyes and cocked the pistol. I winced at the sound and Charlotte stepped towards him.

"Put the damn gun down! We can either hear her out, or we can keep standing out here in the open like idiots and wait for the Saviors to come gun us down." Her voice was harsh—she was trying to convince him, but he didn't appear to want to hear any of it.

"She's armed," Derek observed, gesturing to my Ruger that was holstered at my hip. I was about to open my mouth to explain it was only for walkers when I looked over at Charlotte. She seemed to be the only person willing to listen to reason in the moment.

I licked my lips before finding my voice and spoke directly to her.

"Take it."

Very carefully, Charlotte removed my gun from my holster while Derek continued to point his pistol at my forehead. I didn't dare move. Once my Ruger was in Charlotte's hands, she stepped in front of me and placed a hand on Derek's outstretched, armed hand.

"Stop pointing that thing at her. She's not a threat to us!"

Derek finally lowered his arm, but the anger never left his face. He looked at me in disgust, and then, without saying anything else, he turned his back on us and stormed into the mall.

I let out a gasp of relief and felt my eyes watering. I had expected Derek to get angry, but thought that rage would come when I actually sat down and confessed everything. I didn't think that me showing up at Greenbrier out of the blue would be a huge red flag, but it was. I could only imagine what was going through his head, and knew then that I couldn't tell him how close I really was with Negan. He would never understand.

"Come on then," Charlotte said, her voice void of emotion as she headed up towards the mall entrance.

As I slowly approached the large building, I realized I had probably just lost all of their trust. Derek hated me, though I couldn't tell how much he already knew. Charlotte still seemed willing to listen, and I was grateful for that.

Going through the doors, I looked around at the large room as I entered. Most of the first floor entrances and escalators had been barricaded off with an assortment of items including what I assumed had previously been kiosks, tables and chairs. The second floor had lights and people—people who were all looking over the edge at me as I walked in. The first floor shops had all been completely raided, but I could see some of the stores on the second level looked practically untouched. Some of them even had lights, which meant Greenbrier had some sort of power supply.

"We've been searching for Negan for almost two weeks," Charlotte explained as we came upon a makeshift elevator. It was a large metal slab with raised sides on the bottom for safety, and it was connected to a pulley system that was controlled from the second floor. As we stepped up onto the platform, Derek was already standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. He avoided my gaze as I took my place next to him on the lift.

"We've been struggling," Charlotte continued, "We have some supplies from the mall, but we've gone through most the food stores. We haven't been able to scavenge because we've been fighting off the Saviors." She turned to look right at her brother. "We won't last much longer," she said solemnly.

I didn't feel like I could speak with Derek standing so close, so I just nodded sympathetically. I was glad they were still okay, but that meant this meeting was even more important than I thought. As we were pulled to the second level, I stared at some traps that had been set up with wire on the first floor, and then glanced up at the skylight above our heads that illuminated the mall. Once the elevator stopped, I stepped off on the second floor and glanced around.

Greenbrier was a fairly tiny community for living in such a large structure. Although I didn't know how many members they had total, there were about twenty people standing before me. I recognized some of them from their visits to Doveport. They all had worried expressions as I passed by, as if my arrival was some sort of bad omen.

"This way," Charlotte said, directing me into a large area with the words 'FOOD COURT' over it. There were still a few tables and chairs inside the open area, but a few mattresses had been brought in and set up throughout the individual restaurant chains. Charlotte led me over to a small table and gestured for me to sit down. I noticed she was still holding my Ruger, but wasn't aiming it at me.

Once I sat down, Charlotte took a seat across from me and nodded to the chair next to her for Derek to sit. He hesitated, eyes trained on me in a hard glare, but eventually he pulled the chair out from the table and sat.

I needed to tread carefully. Getting my bearings, I looked from Derek to Charlotte and spoke.

"I'm here to broker a deal between Greenbrier and the Saviors."

I decided to cut right to the chase and not sugarcoat anything, hoping Derek would respect my candor. Charlotte raised her eyebrows in surprise and Derek scooted his chair back and stood up abruptly.

"You can leave now," he grumbled, and Charlotte's head whipped to the side.

"Sit your ass down!" she snapped, reaching over to grab her brother's arm and yanking him back towards the chair he had previously occupied.

Derek narrowed his eyes at Charlotte, but he did as she said, taking the seat again.

"I know you're angry," I said in a quiet voice and staring down at the table. "I don't blame you for not trusting me."

"How long was he with you?" Derek demanded to know.

I slowly met his gaze, at first not entirely understanding what he was asking. I wasn't _with_ Negan. At least, we hadn't labeled it yet. Then I realized he wasn't talking about my relationship—he couldn't possibly know about that.

"Negan came to us the day you shot him," I explained. "He crashed into our gate. That's why it was damaged."

Derek's scathing look remained, but he raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"So I did hit him." It wasn't a question, but an observation. A hint of a smile formed on his lips as I confirmed that Negan had been shot.

"We wrecked our car to cover it up. We didn't feel like we had a choice." I turned to look at Charlotte who wasn't glaring at me like her brother, but she appeared shocked to learn about this news. I knew Derek wouldn't like this next part.

"Negan saved us from Caleb. We couldn't just let him die. Everyone at the school agreed to patch him up and keep him hidden, but not at your expense. I begged him to let me come here because I don't want to see you guys get killed." I shook my head and stared down at my hands. "There's been way too much violence."

"Because of Negan!" Derek roared. He was looking at me like I was out of my mind. "He killed one of your men, Elle! He's a violent person!"

"We're all violent. This new world makes us violent, but it doesn't have to be like this. We don't have to kill each other. We can survive together," I insisted.

"How?" Charlotte's voice surprised me and as I turned to see her worried-filled eyes.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at them both. This was why I was here, why I had begged Negan to give me directions and to give me a chance to make things right. I had convinced myself this would work, but now that I was sitting with both of them, I wasn't feeling very confident.

Still.. I had to try.

"I want to set up a meeting at Doveport. Negan and Derek can sit down and work out a deal." As soon as the words left my lips, I could see the doubt on their faces.

"I'm close with Negan, so I have some pull on him," I added.

"Of course you do," Derek mumbled, rolling his eyes and leaning back in his chair, and then let out a sigh of frustration. I ignored him and turned my head so I was talking directly to Charlotte.

"No weapons allowed inside. I'll mediate the whole meeting." It was the best thing I could think of. If I could just get these two men to sit down and talk, they'd have to come to terms. I knew I could get Negan to listen to me. Now it was just a matter of getting Derek and Charlotte to agree to it.

"We're not sitting down with Negan," Derek snarled, shaking his head.

"Derek…" Charlotte, said, giving him a critical look.

"What!? This is insane! She wants us to walk right into a fucking trap!" He held his hand out towards me and I frowned. I had thought he would at least trust me more than that.

"I know you're mad she lied to us, but she didn't have a choice, Derek. Elle is trying to help us here, and we need to start thinking about putting an end to this insanity."

Derek stared at his sister for a long time. She held his gaze and the two didn't say anything for a few minutes. I held my breath, waiting for their answer. When they didn't speak, I took a deep breath and hoped I could still convince him.

"I'm sorry that I lied. I really don't want to see anyone get hurt. I know you don't trust me, and even though you don't consider me one anymore, I still consider you my friend. I want to help. I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you guys. Please, Derek. You need to trust me."

Derek's eyes met mine as an intense look washed over him. I wondered what was going through his head. Sure he was acting like an asshole, but I really couldn't blame him. I was asking him to put everything on the line—to put the lives of his people at risk—to sit down with a man they all fully despised in the name of peace, something that even now seemed virtually impossible.

So much to my surprise, Derek's brows formed together in a serious expression, and after a very long silence, he nodded slowly.

"Okay."

I mirrored his earnesty and reached across the table, offering my hand. Derek was hesitant, but eventually he reached out to extend his hand to mine and we shook.

"If Negan tries anything, I will kill him," he declared.

"Thank you for trusting me," I said. Derek's grip tightened on mine and for the first time since I had arrived at the mall, his features softened and I saw the man I had come to be friends with.

"We can't beat them, Elle. I almost had him, but we lost it. I'm trusting you with my life."

I placed my other hand over his and patted it, nodding again and again. I understood the severity of the situation. There was no room for errors.

"I will get Negan to agree to the sit down. No weapons." I reiterated the fact, wanting to make sure my rules were fully understood. "We'll meet at Doveport in one week from today, and I'll convince Negan to get the Saviors to back off for the week so you guys can gather some supplies."

"Good luck with that," Derek said, voice laced with doubt. He pulled his hand from mine and pushed up from the table to stand. Charlotte, who had been very quiet the whole time was staring at me with an unreadable expression. We both stood together and she held my gaze.

"I'll walk you out," she said, rounding the table to leave the food court.

Derek turned to face me once we out in the open where the other members of his community had gathered to watch us curiously. He was less angry, but I could see how worried he was as he stared at me straight-faced. He nodded once, and with that, Derek disappeared into another shop. Following Charlotte towards the makeshift elevator, we both got onto the metallic platform.

As I stared down at my feet, I remembered what Derek had said about his brother-in-law. Charlotte's husband had created this lift, and as we rode it down, I glanced up at her face. I couldn't tell what she was thinking; she was staring straight ahead and seemed emotionless. I wondered if she thought less of me for trying to negotiate a peace treaty. Charlotte had only recently reunited with her brother and would never have been caught up in any of this if she had stayed in that treehouse.

We reached level one and Charlotte led me towards the front doors. Once we were outside, she spun to face me and held my gun out to me. I took it from her and holstered it, only to look up and find her sticking her hand out to me.

"Thank you, Elle," she said it with such conviction that I furrowed my brow, but took her hand into mine nonetheless. "My brother is as stubborn as a mule, but he just wants to protect his people."

"I know," I said shaking her hand. Greenbrier was just trying to survive. We all had that in common with one another.

Charlotte smiled at me, and I couldn't help but grin back. Knowing that she, and maybe even her brother, didn't hate me made me feel a huge sense of relief. Their friendship was important to me—it was why I had made the trip.

"See you in a week, Elle," Charlotte said, letting go of my hand and turning to head back inside her home. As I watched her disappear, I let out a long breath.

Derek doubted things would go well, but Charlotte believed in me. She had been the key factor in convincing Derek to listen, and I wondered why she was willing to trust me.

I still hadn't been completely honest with the two of them. They still didn't know about my relationship with Negan, but it was looking more and more like I would be able to use that very relationship to fix things for them.

 _Would Derek have reacted differently if he knew I was romantically involved with his enemy?_

Deciding I didn't need to entertain the what-ifs, I got into the car and headed back down the highway towards Doveport. As I sped down the road past the same group of slow moving walkers I had seen before, I pondered how this could all play out. I felt optimistic that I could help broker an agreement and that everyone would be happy, but I was nervous about both Derek and Negan. I knew I'd have to set up precautions so they didn't break my rules, and I'd need to convince Negan to back off Greenbrier.

A few hours later, I began to recognize the trees and buildings I was passing and knew I was close to the school. Slowing down and coming to a stop near a familiar road, I reached into the pocket of my gray hoodie and retrieved Negan's walkie talkie.

Staring down at the black rectangular contraption, I studied the different controls until I finally held down a black button. Static roared, startling me a little as the device came to life. Pressing the talk button, I raised the radio up to my mouth.

"Um… I need to talk to Negan?" I sounded so unsure of myself and grimaced at my awkwardness. "It's.. It's Elle."

It was quiet for a few moments, and I wondered if it was even on the right channel. Then a loud burst of static came through and a deep voice answered me.

"Hang on."

I leaned back in my seat and glanced out the window as I noticed the sun was starting to set. I smiled at the lovely shade of pink and orange that decorated the horizon, and then something else caught my eye.

Glancing over to some trees, I spotted an approaching walker. It's entire body was shrunken—it looked like they had starved to death before turning into one of the living dead. It was a man, and he was wearing a tight fitting tan jacket and black skinny jeans. As he came up to the car window, I stared into his glossy, yellowish eyes. The walker's jaw clenched and unclenched as it began to scratch against the window, and I double-checked to make sure the car was still locked, not wanting to be his next meal.

I don't know how long I sat there staring at the biter as I waited for the walkie talkie to buzz. Bringing my hand up to the window, I watched as the walker became even more animated as it tried to grab my fingers through the thick glass. I felt like I was at the zoo taunting an animal. It was thrilling, and yet I felt completely safe inside the locked car.

As I studied his clothes, I noticed they were in good shape, making me assume his death was fairly recent. My eyes trailed over his body, trying to find a bite mark, but couldn't. My initial assumption appeared to be correct—he starved. I frowned as I remembered what it felt like to be so hungry. We had gotten lucky when we found Doveport, but before then, we were struggling. Amy, Eric and I wouldn't have been alive if it wasn't for Philip and the school.

I was picturing Philip's friendly face when the radio hissed to life. I grabbed it just as a familiar voice came through.

"Are you callin' to talk dirty to me?" I could hardly hear him—the static was thick, and he sounded far away, meaning the connection was weak. Pushing the talk button, I brought the walkie to my lips.

"Can you come to Doveport tomorrow?" I ignored his silly question and got right to the point. There was a very short silence and then Negan answered me.

"Give me an hour."

I furrowed my brow in confusion and pushed the little black button.

"The sun is setting. It'll be dark soon." I hadn't expected him to want to come out at night, and thought doing so would be too dangerous, even for him.

"Guess I'll have to spend the night." His voice came back thick and gravelly, but he raised his voice at the end as if asking my permission. I shook my head and smiled to myself before pushing the button one last time.

"See you soon."


	39. Chapter 39: Peacemaker

Much to my surprise, Negan agreed to the sit down with Derek.

He hadn't liked my idea at first, but after I explained that Greenbrier was struggling because of what his Saviors had done to push them back, he seemed pleased knowing Derek was losing. After making him promise to back off Greenbrier until the meeting and having him radio his men in front of me to order they stop their assault, I thought things would finally be okay. If I could get them together without guns, they'd have to come up with a solution, and I had a couple suggestions.

Negan spent the night, just as he said he would. I wanted to talk to him about the meeting coming up with Derek, but he was more focused on…other things.

"Negan!" I half giggled, half groaned as he rubbed his face against the crook of my neck. We hadn't even made it to my bed before he had pressed me up against my closed door and began running his hands along my curves. I felt him smile against my skin as he started to pull my shirt up.

"I'm trying to talk to you!" I said with a laugh. "I want to make sure everything goes okay with Derek…" Negan had managed to pull my shirt over my head, but froze for a second at the mention of his current enemy.

"Fuck, even King Mallrat's name is a boner killer." Placing a hand on my back, he pulled me against him and I discovered his comment was far from the truth. "Good thing you make me hard as steel."

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine, but I didn't reciprocate. At the realization I wasn't returning his affection, he let out a sigh and took a half step back to study me.

"It's a week away, Elle. We have plenty of time to figure all this shit out." He gave me a reassuring smile, and for some reason it was all I needed.

He was right. The Saviors weren't harassing Greenbrier, and I had bought both communities a week of peace. I could present my ideas during the meeting, and we would come up with a solution that would make both parties happy.

Returning his smile, I nodded in agreement. There was no sense worrying about any of that right now.

"In the meantime…" His grin grew wider and he placed his hands on my hips, guiding me back towards him. I stepped forward wrapping my arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes. "I wanna spend some quality time with my school friend."

I chuckled and raised an eyebrow at him.

"Just friend?" I asked teasingly.

Negan's faced transformed from playful to serious as he regarded me with lust-blown eyes. Next thing I knew, his hand gently tilted my head up and his lips pressed against mine. The kiss lasted a few seconds and when we broke apart, he still had that profound look on his face.

"No… she's so much more than that."

My heart was beating so loud I could hear it in my ears and I felt my cheeks heat up. I could never get sick of hearing him say how much he cared for me. He made me feel special, something I'd never had before. I felt like a giddy teenager with a crush.

And it made me need him more than ever.

Pulling him back in for another kiss, I laced my fingers with his and led him over to my bed—a place we'd been spending a lot of time in recent weeks. But in that moment, things felt different. I wasn't hiding him from Derek anymore. I wasn't lying to my friends. I wasn't cleaning gunshot wounds or losing sleep.

Negan was right. We didn't need to worry about Greenbrier right then.

I could finally, _truly_ let my guard down.

And so I did.

* * *

One week later, it was the day of the meeting. After discussing it with the other Doveporters, we decided that the cafeteria would be the perfect place for both men to sit down. I would stand at the head of the table, and Negan and Derek would be opposite of each other. It would make separating them easy in case things turned ugly—and with their egos, it was a likely scenario.

Negan arrived first, and I frowned when I opened our dented gate to see multiple pickup trucks waiting to pull in. I hadn't said they couldn't bring their men, and now was realizing that I probably should have specified.

Of course Negan was going to bring his army with him.

There had to be at least fifty men, and as they stepped out of their trucks, my frown grew as I noticed they were all armed.

"I said no weapons!" I said, turning to Negan with a pained expression. He stepped up to me slinging his bat over his shoulder and showing his pearly white teeth in a wide smile. He was wearing his leather jacket and red scarf neatly tucked around his neck.

"Calm the hell down! We'll hand over all weapons once we're inside." He smirked at me and was calm. "It's plan B."

"You don't need a plan B," I argued.

He shrugged me off and then nodded for his men to go into the school. I narrowed my eyes at him.

He just _had_ to make this difficult.

Following his men inside, I took the lead and escorted them to the principal's office.

"We'll keep them here," I said sternly; it wasn't a suggestion. I hated that he brought weapons with, and I needed all the Saviors to be unarmed before Derek arrived. "No weapons allowed in the cafeteria."

Each Savior gave up their weapon and all the guns were set into the far corner of the office. Eric came over by the office's door and helped me pat down each man before letting them back out into the hallway. They all glared at Eric as he slid his hands along their bodies, but some of them gave me suggestive smiles as I checked for guns.

One Savior I had never seen before leaned in to speak to me as I ran my hands over his chest.

"Hey, hotstuff." He winked, and I ignored his comment. Patting down his sides he bit his lip suggestively and spoke a bit louder, "I'd love to see what else those hands can do."

Before I could respond, I felt someone's presence suddenly appear next to me. Negan had overheard the Savior's comment and had strolled over.

"Is there a fucking problem, Brandon?" He asked in a sarcastic voice, wrapping an arm around my hip. I side-eyed him and then looked back to the Savior named Brandon whose creepy grin had disappeared and was replaced with a fearful look.

"N-no, sir!" Brandon stuttered and shook his head; his eyes were wide in terror. Negan held up Lucille with his arm that wasn't wrapped around me and pointed the barbed wire tip right at Brandon's face until it was practically touching his nose.

Brandon turned white and I would have sworn I saw him gulp. He looked from the bat to me. I simply smiled apologetically at him and shrugged.

Once Negan let Brandon join the others, he pulled me aside while Eric continued to pat down his men.

"Is this really fucking necessary?" he asked, furrowing his brows.

"Yes. I told you not to bring weapons and you brought a friggen arsenal." I wasn't going to let him talk me out of this.

"Well have someone else finish up the grope-session."

Confused at first, I pursed my lips and then slowly started to smirk.

"Negan… are you jealous?" I asked in a soft voice. His face scrunched at the word and before he could argue against it, I stepped closer to him. "I don't know why you would be. I still need to pat you down too…"

Placing my hands on his sides, I slowly guided them up and then down, keeping eye contact with him. It was much more sensual compared to the way I had touched his men. My fingers glided along his body—a body I knew well. His hardened look dissolved and was replaced with one of arousal. I knew everyone was watching, but I wanted to make our situation damn clear.

Knowing I couldn't let things go too far, I dropped my hands from his body and gave him a knowing smile. Negan's full attention was on me, and I turned to head back over to the office. Before I could go back to checking for guns, Negan placed a hand on my shoulder and stopped me.

"You missed a spot," he growled from behind me in a low voice while his lips brushed up against my ear. I blushed at the idea of spending more quality time with him.

"I'll handle it later," I whispered, looking back at him. He responded by gently biting my earlobe. Then, he headed down the hallway towards the cafeteria.

"Hold up!" I called out to him. He stopped and turned to face me. "Hand her here," I ordered with a stern look and outstretched hand.

Negan's lightheartedness evaporated instantly and he frowned at me. His grip on his bat tightened protectively. I tilted my head to the side and my lips were set in a firm line.

"You need to trust me, Negan." I walked across the hallway to where he was standing and ignored the eyes watching us. There was no way I could let him take Lucille into the meeting.

He studied me for a few seconds and hesitated. I half expected him to call everything off, but then he held the handle upwards, offering it to me.

"Thank you," I said to him, staring down at the sharp barbed wire winding around the bat. Taking it carefully into my hands, a sudden shiver ran through me as I realized the last time I touched this bat was when I used it to bash Adam's head in.

Ignoring the chills, I carried Lucille into the office and set her down gently on the principal's chair. Sure it was just a chunk of wood, but to Negan, it was so much more. After all, he had named it after his wife for a reason.

Eric finished patting down most of the Saviors and then I recognized a familiar face enter into the office and set an assault rifle in the corner with the other weapons.

"Simon," I greeted him with a nod.

"Elle." Simon grinned at me and then went to exit the room. Eric approached him, prepared to check for any hidden weapons when Simon raised his hands up to stop him.

"How about you go play grab-ass with your baby mama instead?" He grinned wide at Eric and then stepped past him, not allowing himself to be searched. Eric gave me a wary look, but I waved him off. Simon knew how important this meeting was, and I knew he wouldn't try to ruin this.

We had just finished checking the remaining Saviors and hadn't found any weapons when Ryan came through the front doors and rushed towards me.

"They're here," he said, gasping for breath. "Derek is here."

I glanced up at Negan who had been leaning against the wall to find he was looking directly at me. His face was mostly expressionless, but he almost seemed unsure. Not quite worried, but seeing uncertainty on his face made me even more nervous than I already was. Both men were counting on me for this to go smoothly, and it felt like the weight of the world was now sitting on my shoulders.

"Ryan, take Negan and the rest of the Saviors into the dining hall. I'll go get the Greenbriers." I headed towards the exit and tried to ignore Negan's eyes watching me go. He was taking a risk trusting me, and we both knew it.

I went to the gate and opened it to find multiple cars parked outside the yard. All the Greenbriers had lined up behind Derek and Charlotte who were both standing before me. They had brought about thirty of their people—not as many as Negan, but enough to make a similar statement.

Right away I noticed they hadn't brought any weapons and smiled in relief.

They had trusted me.

The siblings looked the same as usual; Derek had on his regular military jacket and slacks, and Charlotte was wearing a blue muscle tank top with jeans—apparel that would be hard to hide weapons inside.

Before we could greet each other, they both looked past me and at the Savior trucks parked inside the school yard. Uneasiness settled on their faces and then Derek moved to step past the gate.

"Let's get this over with," he muttered, moving by me and heading towards the school entrance.

"Wait!" I called out, turning to go after Derek and reached out to place an arm on his shoulder making him tense up. I stepped around and stood in front of him, blocking his way to the school. "I have to make sure you're not armed."

Derek's eyes locked onto me and didn't even blink.

"What happened to trusting each other?" He frowned and looked at me as if he was confused. I stared at him and noticed the assault rifle that usually accompanied him to Doveport was gone and his gunbelt was also missing. "You said no weapons, so we didn't bring any."

I carefully studied each of his men, noting none of them were wearing baggy clothing and wouldn't be able to hide guns—not well anyway. They could still sneak in knives or other sharp objects. I asked Derek to trust me, and now he was asking me to do the same.

But that was thing thing—I didn't trust Derek.

So I turned to look at Charlotte. I could see she was apprehensive, but she made full eye contact with me.

"We didn't bring any weapons, Elle," she insisted. "We left all our guns and melee weapons back at the mall because that's what you asked of us."

I nodded and felt a bit more confident once Charlotte confirmed it. She wanted the fighting to end, just like me, and I knew she wouldn't allow anything to put that in jeopardy.

Glancing back at their men one last time, I decided pat downs would be unnecessary. They had trusted me, so I needed to show a little trust too. The Saviors could be sneaky, but Derek and Charlotte were my friends.

"Come on then," I said, heading towards the school.

They followed me through the front doors and down the hall. Once we reached the cafeteria, I saw Negan was seated at the far end of one of the long tables in the middle of the room. His hands were placed in front of him and an amused grin was plastered on his face. His men stood behind him, and they all scowled at Derek's men as they entered in with me.

Simon stood to Negan's side at the end of the table, and all of the Doveporters had gathered behind him by the far wall. Amy, Eric, Vivienne and Ryan all turned their heads to watch us enter. Their anxiety was almost palpable, but as Derek and his people made their way up to the table, Amy and Charlotte shared brief, nervous smiles.

Going to stand next to Simon at the end of the table, I gestured to the open bench seat straight across from Negan for Derek to sit down. As he approached, I noticed his brows were bent in a hard glare. Negan's smile widened as Derek finally sat down, and Charlotte came to stand next to me.

With both men seated before me, we could finally begin. My plan to get these men together was a success. Now I just needed them to work out a deal.

Derek's eyes finally left Negan's and trailed down his body as if searching for something. I realized he was looking for the bullet wound, but wouldn't be able to see it beneath Negan's leather jacket.

"See something you fuckin' like, Mallrat?" Negan teased.

Ignoring Negan's remark, Derek addressed me while still staring coldly at Negan. "So how's this going to go?"

Looking away from Derek, I set my sights on Negan.

"You need to leave Greenbrier alone," I stated simply. It made the most sense to propose this first, even if it was a long shot. Negan didn't even look up at me as he continued to smile smugly at Derek.

"I own them now. I can do whatever the fuck I want with them."

Derek's lip curled into a snarl. "I should have finished you off when I had the chance," he growled, becoming irate.

Negan's grin grew wider and his eyes beamed. He was enjoying this way too much, and I sensed things were about to get out of hand. Turning to Derek, I made another suggestion.

"We can work out a deal that will make everyone happy. If you'll agree to work for the Saviors, Doveport can go back to giving supplies to Greenbrier again." It wasn't ideal, but I hoped that Derek would hear me out. Unfortunately, I immediately knew Derek didn't like what I had to say. He continued to glare and slowly turned to look up at me.

"He killed my men!" Derek practically shouted it and I flinched.

"You killed some of mine too, motherfucker," Negan piped in. His smile faded and he met Derek's glare with one of his own. Placing both my hands on the table, I leaned towards them both, hoping to get their attention.

"Doveport can be the middleman. Greenbrier can bring supplies to the school and the Saviors can pick them up here." It wasn't a flawless plan, but it was one I had thought about a lot in the last week and figured it would be the more agreeable for both men. Negan could continue to get supplies, and Derek wouldn't have to see him.

Glancing at both their faces, my heart sank when I saw they were both unimpressed with my idea.

"Why are you defending him?!" Derek demanded, turning his attention back on me.

"I'm not!" I said, staring at him startled. I was trying to be neutral in this and come up with a beneficial solution for both parties, but Derek seemed to think I was favoring Negan. "I don't agree with Negan's ways, but we have to meet him halfway here."

Negan seemed to get irritated at my words and that I wasn't defending him, but I was being honest. I hated how he bullied these communities into submitting to him, and he knew it. He quickly glanced up at me and then scrunched his face at Derek.

"I'm sick of playing these stupid fucking games. You Mallrats have had one hell of a time rebelling, but this all ends here." He pointed at Derek as he spoke sternly. "You swinging your dick around is only going to get more of your people killed. You follow my rules and do as you're told, and no more Mallrats have to die."

"No. We'll never work for you," Derek hissed. "We're not your fucking property!"

Negan scoffed and turned to look at me, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Sorry Elle, but this meeting is a waste of fucking time. I'd love to be able to see from King Mallrat's point of view, but I can't quite shove my head that far up my ass."

I went to speak, to try and tell Negan to just shut his mouth for a few seconds when Derek pushed up to stand from the table. Staring up at him in shock, I watched as in a quick instant he removed a pistol from inside his army jacket and aimed it right at Negan's head.

Negan didn't even blink.

" _DEREK_!" Charlotte shouted her brother's name.

"Derek… _Please_ … Put the gun down…" I begged. I didn't dare move to reach out to him and kept my eyes trained on the small gun in his hand.

"I knew this wasn't going to work out. I know you tried Elle, but he doesn't want to work out a deal. He wants to own us, and we won't be owned." Derek spoke calmly, as if he knew he had won.

"Drop the gun, Derek!" Charlotte pleaded, taking a step towards her brother.

"I'm not letting him get away again," Derek declared.

The next thing I knew, Derek's body fell forward onto the table and my entire body tensed as a loud bang echoed throughout the cafeteria. Negan jumped up from his seat, and I realized he had kicked Derek from underneath the table. Derek had fired the gun, but Negan's swift kick had caused the gun to go off in a different direction.

Glancing around frantically, my eyes widened as I noticed Charlotte was no longer standing at my left and had fallen onto the floor. Vivienne and Amy were already with her. Derek had accidentally shot his sister, but he was so hyperfocused on Negan that he hadn't even realized.

Negan rushed away from the table and headed for the hallway. Aiming the gun at him, Derek fired a few more shots that missed as Negan disappeared beyond the wall.

Chaos erupted as the Greenbriers and the Saviors began physically fighting. They punched and kicked one another; some of them were shouting. Derek got up from where he had fallen and then sprinted down the hall after Negan. I started to go after them when I felt a hand grab my shoulder and stop me in my tracks.

"Elle!" a voice hollered over the loud noise, and I spun around to find Simon was holding something out towards me.

 _A gun_.

Frowning at him and staring up with frantic eyes, he went to go join the fight and called out to me, "Use it!"

I stared down at the small pistol in my hand and then headed towards the principal's office. I didn't have time to think about how both men had betrayed my trust, how my meeting had failed, or that Charlotte was bleeding out in the other room. I had to stop Derek from killing Negan, or—depending on if Negan made it to the office in time—Negan from killing Derek.

As I came to the office, I skidded to a halt when I saw the sight before me. Negan was standing inside the room with all the weapons around him, but he wasn't moving. His back was facing me and behind him Derek was holding the gun to his head, preparing to shoot.

"STOP!" I screamed, holding up Simon's little pistol to aim it at Derek. Taking a half step to face me, Derek frowned at the sight of me armed.

"Derek, please. Put the gun down," I begged.

Derek shook his head slowly, as if disappointed.

"I should have known you'd be soft on him," he said and then faced Negan again. "Sorry, Elle. This fucker's time is up."

The sound of a gun firing went off in the room and my hand began to shake as I watched Derek fall to the ground. The pistol I had just fired was still held out in front of me and aimed down.

I had shot him in the leg.

Falling to the ground and screaming out in pain, the pistol fell out of Derek's hand as he grasped at his wounded leg. Kicking his gun towards the far wall where there weren't any Savior guns, I stared down at the man I had just shot in shock just as Negan began to make his way around the desk and to the chair. Glancing over at him and seeing Lucille resting in his grasp, I stepped into his way before he could approach Derek and set Simon's gun down on top of the big desk.

"No. You need to radio Carson," I instructed, placing my hands on his chest to keep him away from Derek who was behind me and crawling towards the far wall. My shot didn't have to be fatal, and Derek's life could be saved if we hurried.

"Get out of my way, Elle," Negan said through clenched teeth.

"No! You both broke the rules! Simon brought a gun too! You didn't trust me!" I shoved him back a bit and felt tears well up in my eyes. I had thought my plan was perfect, but had made a mistake not patting down Derek.

"Move!" Negan commanded in a booming voice.

"No!" I screeched. "I won't let you kill him!"

As he faced Derek, I used every bit of strength I had to get him to look at me.

"Negan, please! Derek is my friend!" My voice was hysterical, and I could see the look on his face. He was beyond angry. His brows scrunched as he went to finally address me, but then he looked back over at Derek.

Glancing over too, everything went into slow motion.

Derek was sitting up against the wall with his gun back in his hand and he was aiming it—not at Negan, but at _me_.

The next thing I knew, Negan went to step in front of me and a loud shot rang out before he could completely block me.

I expected to feel pain from the bullet flare up somewhere on my body, but it never came. Glancing down at myself to make sure I hadn't been shot, I looked up to see Derek's body was slumped against the floor with blood pooling out from his chest.

Negan had picked up Simon's gun from the desk and shot him again, but Derek's eyes were still open and his chest was rising and falling heavily. The hostile look on his face made my stomach churn.

"You stupid bitch," Derek wheezed. Unable to speak, I just regarded him with wide, terror-filled eyes feeling completely helpless.

"What are you, his whore?" He spat blood as he hurled the insult at me.

I moved around Negan to slowly approach Derek. The gun he'd been holding had fallen away from him. As I bent down to pick up his pistol, he scowled at me.

Negan placed Simon's gun down on top of the desk again and he gripped Lucille in both hands. Stepping in his way, I stared up at him with tears falling down my face. Negan had a murderous look as he looked past me and down at Derek.

I didn't know what to say to stop him. Perhaps I would have been able to convince him before, but now Derek had tried to kill me and because of it, Negan's eyes were filled with scorn and pure hatred.

The moment Derek threatened me, it was truly over.

Now there was no going back.

"You don't need to see this." Negan's voice was void of any emotion as he spoke to me.

I had tried to be neutral, but had ultimately failed. I had betrayed Derek, and that was all he would ever see.

I became his enemy the moment I shot him.

 _No_ … I became his enemy long before we even met…

Because Negan had been here first.

Hanging my head down, I stood unmoving for a few seconds, prolonging the inevitable. My jaw quivered and I couldn't look back up at Negan. I didn't want to see him this way—I didn't want to see that blood lust in his eyes.

I knew what was about to happen.

Stepping out of his way, I quickly exited the office and pulled the door closed behind me. Hearing the latch click, my breathing picked up as I stared at the wall across from me and then closed my eyes.

Negan was right—I didn't need to see it, but I would force myself to listen. Bracing for it, I pressed my back to the wall.

I winced as a loud crack sounded out from the room. I could hear it clear as a bell.

Then another.

And another.

Again and again.

As Negan beat Derek's skull in, I slid down to the floor and began to sob into my hands. Even though I was no longer in the room and witnessing his death, I could imagine the sight. I remembered what Adam's mangled head looked like at my feet when I had beaten him to death.

Now my former friend had just met a similar fate.

Derek had trusted me. Sure he had betrayed me by bringing a gun to the meeting, but I betrayed him first.

I lied to him from day one about Negan.

I was the reason he was dead.

My heart ached with every loud crack as bat met bone over and over. Guilt clawed its way inside me as I forced myself to listen to the sinister symphony.

Ultimately, Negan was the one killing him…

But I might as well have been wielding the bat.


	40. Chapter 40: Try A Little

My knees were pulled up to my chest and I was staring wide eyed at the blank hallway wall in front of me when the office door opened and Negan stepped out. Blood splatter covered him from head to toe and dark red chunks clung to the barbs tied around the bat in his grasp. He didn't bother to look down at me as he started making his way towards the cafeteria. Scrambling to my feet, I rushed over to him.

"Negan!" I cried out in a hoarse voice. He didn't stop walking and seemed unfazed that I was calling out tohim. I clenched my fists at my side, and repeated myself in a louder, broken sob. " _NEGAN!_ "

He finally stopped and faced me with a hardened expression. He didn't appear angry—as if beating Derek to death had someone subdued him a bit, but he was still solemn as he waited for me to speak.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, hearing the fear in my own voice.

"I'm gonna take care of the Mallrats," he said with no emotion. Trembling and trying to ignore the blood stained bat that was hoisted up on his shoulder, I closed the distance between us and grabbed his arm.

"Please don't kill them," I pleaded. We stared one another down and I didn't dare blink.

Negan's poker face cracked for a single instant as he studied me and swallowed hard. I probably looked traumatized—I certainly felt that way. I could feel my bottom lip quivering as I silently begged him no to hurt anyone else. I held onto his arm like I was an anchor to keep him grounded in the hallway, but my shaken appearance wasn't enough to stop him.

Without another word, Negan pulled his arm from my grasp and headed towards the cafeteria. I quickly followed behind as my stomach filled with dread.

Chaos had erupted inside the big, open room. The Saviors and Greenbriers were still physically fighting one another. I watched as two Greenbriers threw a Savior onto a cafeteria table. Another group of Saviors had pinned down one of the Greenbriers and was taking turns kicking him in the side. All the Doveporters were cowering back by the far wall, near the kitchen.

Charlotte was still alive and conscious. She had been moved across the room with the Doveporters and was leaning up against the wall watching the mayhem unfold. Vivienne and Amy were both kneeling down next to her, and Eric and Ryan were standing in front of them, making sure none of our people got injured from the ongoing fight.

Rushing across the room and avoiding the brawling men, I made my way over to where Charlotte was on the floor. Vivienne was pushing a white cloth hard against Charlotte's arm, and I could see a thick line of blood was coming from underneath were Vivienne was pressing.

"Bullet went clean through her bicep," Vivienne explained, looking up at me grimly. "But we need to close the wound."

I glanced over at Amy who had a grave expression on her face. We locked eyes and then a booming voice made all of us look across the room.

"Attention, assholes!" Negan announced loudly. In a second, everyone froze and turned to look at the blood covered man who was now standing up on top of a cafeteria table and grinning from ear to ear.

"Simon!" he said, glancing around the room until he spotted his right-hand man in the crowd. "Take some men and go get my fucking guns."

A group of Saviors led by Simon moved down the hall and everyone else remained frozen. The Greenbriers all seemed focused on Lucille—the bat that was drenched in red.

"Elle… where's Derek?" Charlotte asked in a scared voice, tilting her head to look up at me. I closed my eyes, unable to look at her.

A minute later, Simon and his men returned carrying the guns, and they handed them out to the rest of the Saviors. I watched as Negan jumped down from the table and ordered his men to line up the Greenbriers on the cafeteria floor. Weaponless, they had no choice but to obey; each of Derek's men had scowls on their faces as they sank down onto their knees and glared up at Negan. He watched in amusement as they were forced to submit.

"Now, we all need to have a little fucking chat," Negan spoke, addressing the Greenbriers that were lined up in front of him. Your stupid fucking leader, and he was pretty fucking stupid, just fucked up BIG TIME. But just because he was fucking stupid, doesn't mean you have to be." He walked up and down, eyeing each person as he passed. "I don't think I need to explain that this is over—that you Mallrats have officially lost. But you can still walk away winners!"

Leaning back and gazing down at them he smirked.

"Join me."

A deafening silence lingered and no one moved. At first, every single person on their knees remained frozen in place. Then, after a long while, a few of Derek's men slowly rose to their feet. Their heads were hung down as if they were ashamed, but they stood up, accepting Negan's offer. It was three men and one women. Their fellow community members stared up at them with betrayal written all over their faces. A few Saviors stepped forward to grab the standing men and pulled them out of the line up.

"Anybody else?" Negan asked; his attention focused on the men and women still kneeling. When the others didn't respond to him, he brought his barbed wire bat out and presented in right in front of their faces.

"Get a load of King Mallrat!" he declared, waving the blood-soaked bat in front of their faces.

"Derek…" Charlotte whispered, staring at Negan with a look of horror. At the revelation her brother was gone, tears formed in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. My chest felt tight as I stared down at her.

No words felt right.

When the other Greenbriers refused to stand and continued to glare up at Negan, he shrugged.

"Fine by me. Simon?" He gestured with his bat for his men to begin executing the Greenbriers when my voice tore out of my throat.

 _"WAIT!"_

The sound was so shrill that everyone looked over to where I was standing. Negan's head slowly tilted to take me in, and I used that opportunity to hurry over to where he was, putting myself in between Negan's men and all of the kneeling Greenbriers.

"They made their fucking choice." Negan's eyes narrowed on me, but I shook my head.

"No. No one else has to die."

"That's not how it fucking works!" He raised his voice, taking a step towards me. I stood my ground and kept my chin up, eyes locked on his. My nerves had me trembling, but even though I was scared, I knew I couldn't back down.

"These men are under my protection. If you want to kill them, you'll have to kill us all." I squinted at him in a glare. He knew I was serious—I could see his eyebrow twitch in irritation as I declared refuge for the Greenbriers. I wasn't able to save Derek, but I could at least stop the bloodshed. This was my house, after all.

Taking another step towards me into my personal space, Negan leaned his head next to my ear.

"You're not gonna fucking do this. Take your people outside. _Now_." His voice was low and menacing, but I didn't even blink. He waited for my answer, so I slowly tilted my head to make him look at me, ignoring the harsh look he was giving me.

"If you care about me, you won't kill anyone else. It's gone too far, Negan." I spoke in a whisper. He huffed and his jaw clenched.

"What the fuck do you want me to do?" He asked in a loud whisper. "They're a fucking threat. These fuckers will stop at nothing until I'm dead!"

I shook my head vehemently.

"They can join you. They just need time." I spoke a little louder and gestured down to the people in question. "The ones who won't can be put to work at the Sanctuary. The ones who show loyalty can become Saviors." I glanced back at their faces and was met with a mixed response. Some of them were glaring at me, but some just looked terrified for their lives.

"Look at them. They can learn. You just have to try a little." Reaching up to cup Negan's face and ignoring the blood splatter on his lower jaw, I gazed deep into his eyes. "Try. For me."

He stared back, unresponsive for a long time. And then I saw it—another brief crack in his facade. His eyes softened for a few seconds, and then it was gone. But I had seen it.

 _Sympathy._

He broke eye contact to look past me at the kneeling men and studied them for a few moments. Then, he glanced back at me as I dropped my hand from his face and waited for his answer.

"Simon, bring the Mallrats outside and load them up."

The tension that was building released and I let out a sigh of relief. The Saviors all pointed their guns at the kneeling Greenbriers and forced them to their feet. I watched as the men were lead out of the cafeteria and towards the exit.

"Thank you," I whispered, as tears filled my eyes. This wasn't the outcome I had wanted, but I had saved all of Derek's men. Part of me was angry that Derek had to die, but I couldn't blame Negan. He had saved me from getting shot, but both men had broken my rules and brought guns to Doveport. I knew we'd need to talk about what happened, but right then there were more important matters to handle.

Negan's face was grim as he spoke in a soft voice so only I could hear, "I'm sorry."

Hanging my head down, I just nodded. Then, his eyes went to the Doveporters across the room and to where Charlotte was slumped over on the floor. He suddenly whistled shrilly, making a few men look over at him, and he gestured with his head towards her.

"Take the Mallrat," he ordered.

Looking up startled, I watched as two Saviors headed over to where Charlotte was slumped over against the wall and grabbed both her arms. Her face scrunched up in pain, but she didn't make a sound as they pulled her to her feet.

"Negan! Please, no!" Amy cried, as she got up from the floor with help from Eric and then rushed over to where Negan was standing in the center of the room with a grim expression.

"Sorry, Momma Bear. This is non-negotiable."

Charlotte was led out of the cafeteria and down the hall, same as the others. Negan didn't even look back at me as he followed the last of his men out of the school.

"Elle!" Amy cried out in desperation. I knew how important Charlotte was to her—the two had become really close in the last weeks, and we had no idea what Negan had in store for her. Amy was looking to me to protect her, but I didn't know what we could possibly do.

Making a split-second decision, I grabbed Amy's hand and looked across the room to where Eric was.

"Come on!" I called, pulling Amy towards the hallway.

With Eric on our heels, we rushed outside where the Saviors were pointing their guns at the Greenbriers and forcing them to get into the pickup truck beds. Charlotte was with them, and I could see one of the Greenbriers was trying to look at her gunshot wound. Hoping she would be okay on the ride to the Sanctuary, I headed over to where Negan was standing next to a truck and opened the passenger side door. He had been talking with Simon and then turned to watch me help Amy up into the vehicle.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Negan asked, sounding more confused than angry. Once Amy was in the backseat, I allowed Eric to get in too and faced Negan.

"We're going with," I announced confidently, meeting his gaze. I was prepared for him to reject the idea and was ready to argue, but Negan simply leaned into the truck and opened the glove compartment.

"Suit yourself," he muttered, retrieving three black bags. I pulled myself up inside the truck before he could change his mind, and then he threw the bags at me. I frowned, looking down at the dark material.

"Really?" I asked incredulously. Even after everything we'd been through, he still didn't trust me enough to know where the Sanctuary was.

Negan's response was to shut the truck door in my face and continue talking with Simon. Sighing, I handed the bags to Amy and Eric. They didn't even seem surprised and both pulled the bags over their heads. I realized they didn't even question it, and then remembered Amy and Eric had both gone to the Sanctuary before, back when Negan killed Caleb. I had been unconscious, but they hadn't, and Negan would have made them cover their heads back then to.

A few minutes later, we heard someone get into the driver's seat and start the truck engine. Unable to see through the thick black bag, I relaxed back into the seat and waited.

* * *

Negan actually stayed true to his word. The Greenbriers were taken to the Sanctuary and Negan split them up into groups. Derek's die-hard friends were sent to the cells, whereas the other Greenbriers were sent outside to work in Negan's fence filled with walkers.

Charlotte was taken to Dr. Carson's office to have her wound patched up. Amy, Eric and I waited outside the infirmary while Negan went in to talk to her. He was only in for a few minutes when the door flew open and he stormed out looking pissed.

"She won't join the Saviors," Negan grumbled. "She won't talk, so she can rot in a fucking cell for all I fucking care."

"Negan, please! Charlotte's a good person!" Amy approached him with tears running down her cheeks. The events of the last hour had her really shaken up and my heart broke seeing her groveling for Charlotte's life. Negan glanced down at her and then looked over at me. I could tell seeing Amy in such a fragile state had an effect on him, even though he was trying really hard not to show it. Approaching me, he gave me a very serious look.

"Talk to Charlotte. She's smarter than her dumb-as-fuck brother, and I can use someone like her. But I need her to join willingly. If she won't, then I'm all out of options."

I knew what that meant—Charlotte would die if she didn't say yes.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded in understanding and then went into the medical room.

Charlotte was laying in a bed—the same bed I had occupied when Negan had saved me from Caleb and I had woke up screaming in pain. Mentally shaking the bad memory away, I approached her. She was facing away from me, sitting on her side and staring at the wall.

"Charlotte?" I asked in a meek voice.

"Go away, Elle," she replied coldly.

I carefully approached the medical bed and reached out to touch the metal bars on the side.

"I'm so sorry about Derek, but you don't need to die. If you just agree to work for Negan, you can keep surviving." I hadn't had time to think of what I could say, so I was fumbling with my words.

"I'll never join him." Charlotte's response reminded me of Derek, and I flinched when I remembered he had said something similar during the meeting. Then, she turned to look up at my face. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but there weren't any tears as she regarded me.

"My brother was armed. He had the upper-hand. You went after him, and now he's dead." Her voice was accusing, and she stared daggers at me.

I looked away, unable to maintain eye contact and remembered the sight of Derek falling to the floor from when I had shot him in the leg. He was going to kill Negan, and I had to stop him. But now he was dead, and I would never be able to explain to Charlotte what happened in that principal's office. It wouldn't matter anyways, his death would be on my hands whether she knew it or not, and my inability to look her in the eye was all the answer she needed.

"Please, Charlotte." I pleaded. "If you don't join them, they'll kill you."

She faced away from me and looked back to the wall. I waited for her to say something, but she sat there silently. Knowing I needed to get through to her, I used the only information I had been given about her past.

"Derek told me about your family—about your girls. Chelsea, Harley and your husband, Sam. They wouldn't want you to give up. They'd want you to keep going."

"Don't!" Charlotte snarled, whipping her head back to glare at me. "Don't say their names. Just. Don't." Her eyes narrowed at me as she continued. "My brother is dead. The last person I had in this fucked up world is gone. So just stop." Her eyes were watering again and she looked so angry, so hopeless, so fragile that I felt my own eyes begin to tear up.

"Charlotte…" I said softly, reaching out to her, but she winced and turned away, putting her back to me. I was trying to think of something else to say when the door opened and Negan entered.

"So, what the fuck is it gonna be?" Negan asked, looking past me to where Charlotte still wasn't facing us. I frowned at him and headed for the door.

I didn't know what else I could do.

* * *

Charlotte was taken out of the infirmary and brought to the cells. Negan said she had the night to think things over, but if she still refused in the morning, she would be killed. He said he could work with the other Greenbriers, but she was becoming a liability.

It was getting late, so we decided to spend the night at the Sanctuary. Negan offered for Amy and Eric to stay in one of his furnished bedrooms. They agreed, and then he asked me to join him in his room. I could tell he was exhausted, and he was still covered in Derek's blood when he made the proposition to me. We were standing outside of Amy and Eric's room when he asked.

Part of me blamed Negan for what had happened as much as I blamed Derek. I had made it clear he wasn't allowed to bring any weapons, and yet Simon brought a pistol. If Derek hadn't tried to shoot Negan, would Simon have tried the same thing?

I would never know, but I knew one thing—Negan hadn't trusted me.

And if he wasn't going to follow my rules, _then I didn't need to follow his_.

"I think I'll stay with Amy and Eric tonight," I muttered, unable to look at him. I really wished he would go clean up. The blood stains on his clothes were a constant reminder of what had happened earlier. "It's been a really long day."

I was prepared for him to fight me on it, but instead Negan pressed a kiss to the side of my head. He lingered, rubbing his face against my hair, as if he was hoping I would change my mind. When I didn't say anything, Negan let out a sigh and took a step back to regard me. I stared up at him solemnly, and he nodded.

"Okay, Elle. See you tomorrow," he said. With that, he left me and disappeared down the hall.

Going into the bedroom where Eric and Amy were waiting, I closed the door and then started going through the room we'd been given. There were items everywhere, ranging from food supplies to a microwave on top of a shelf across from the large bed in the center of the room. An oak dresser with clothes was pushed up against the wall and there was even a CD player on a desk.

"What are we gonna do, Elle?! We can't let him kill her!" Amy spoke in a loud whisper, watching me as I went over to where a black backpack was hanging up on the wall. Taking it down, I unzipped it and threw it onto the bed. Then I started going around the room and collecting items to put inside the bag.

"I have a plan, but I'm gonna need your help." Looking up at both of them, they nodded immediately. If we were going to help Charlotte, we needed to move fast.

Ten minutes later, we had the backpack completely filled with clean clothes, food and water. I had gone over my plan with Amy and Eric, making sure we all knew what we had to do. The sun had set, and it was getting dark out, which made things easier for us.

Opening the door to the bedroom and wearing the bag on my back, I peeked my head out into the empty hall. Once I could see the coast was clear, the three of us hurried down the hallway to the stairwell, and went to the floor with the cells.

We moved carefully and luckily didn't run into any Saviors on our way. Coming up to the hall with the cells, I glanced around the corner to see a familiar face sitting in a chair facing the cell doors. I couldn't help but smile. It was Naomi.

"You're up, Eric," I whispered, gesturing to where Naomi was sitting. He nodded and Amy and I backed into another dark hallway and waited.

Eric's voice flooded the hallways as he suddenly sprinted into the area where Naomi was sitting.

"Please! You have to help me! My wife! She's in labor!" I held my breath as I waited to hear Naomi's response.

"You need to go get Carson," she said, sounding startled.

"I don't know where he is! Please! I'm desperate. I don't want anything bad to happen to the baby!" He was really selling it, and I couldn't help but smile.

It was quiet for a few seconds and then Naomi audibly sighed.

"Okay, follow me." The two of them headed back into the hallway, and Amy and I remained hidden as they disappeared into the stairwell. Once they headed up the steps, I rushed towards the cell doors.

Opening a few of them, we saw some of the Greenbriers slouched over and laying on their sides. Finally, we opened a door and found Charlotte laying in a similar position, curled up on the ground.

"Charlotte, come on. Get up!" I whispered, glancing back down the hall. "We don't have much time."

"Leave me alone," she growled, not moving.

Turning to look at Amy's worried expression, I gestured with my head and she went into the cell.

"Charlotte, please!" Amy's soft voice filled the small cell and Charlotte finally looked up.

"Amy?" Charlotte asked concerned, staring up at the redhead in surprise. Amy offered her hand and nodded.

"We have to go," Amy said in a whisper.

I felt slightly relieved as Charlotte took Amy's hand and got up from the floor. Knowing the next part was a long shot, I led them back down the hallway and to the stairwell. Listening to make sure Naomi wasn't on her way back, we all moved swiftly down the steps until we were on the main floor.

Rushing out a side door, we headed over to where the Savior trucks were parked. Going over to a green pickup, I opened the door quietly and motioned for Charlotte to get into the backseat and lay on the floor. Once she was inside, Amy got into the passenger side and I got into the driver's seat. I set the backpack on the floor by Amy's feet, hoping to keep it out of sight, same as Charlotte.

"I don't think this is going to work," Amy whispered, glancing over to the main gate where a few guards were patrolling.

"We have to try," I answered, reaching into the cup holder where the keys were. Starting the engine, I glanced over to see the guards had all turned their heads to look at where we were. "Keep your head down, Charlotte."

A man approached the truck shining a flashlight at my face. Rolling down the window, I smiled at him and realized I knew this Savior.

"Hello, Brandon," I said, greeting him warmly. It was the Savior that I had met earlier that day. He had tried to flirt with me and Negan had threatened him for it.

"H-hey Elle," he stuttered in surprise when he realized it was me. "Where are you going?" He inspected me and Amy as he shined the flashlight at us.

"Home," Amy answered him with a grin. "We're headed back to Doveport."

My presence had visibly thrown him off, and I almost felt sorry for the poor guy. I could tell he wanted to stay as far away from me as possible, and knew we could use that to our advantage.

"I don't know anything about that." He scrunched his face and shined the light at us, already skeptical.

"We just wanna sleep in our own beds," I said, not letting my smile falter. "Negan's in a pretty bad mood, but you're welcome to go ask him. I wouldn't join him tonight, so he's probably with one of his wives right now." The man's face dropped at the mention of Negan being grouchy.

"No, uh.. That's okay," he said, fidgeting. I could see he was still unsure, so I decided a little charm couldn't hurt.

"I promise we're not trying to get you in trouble," I added, reaching out to touch his hand that was braced over the closed truck window. "We just wanna go home."

Brandon nodded and then shined the flashlight back at Amy. I was glad we both looked exhausted because our disheveled appearance seemed to be convincing him.

"Okay. Just so long as you go straight to the school." He gave me a wary look and I nodded, hoping he wouldn't shine his flashlight into the backseat where Charlotte was hiding. I felt relief as he walked away from the truck to head back over to the gate, but then he returned to the truck and I smiled again at him.

"I'm sorry about earlier at the school. I acted like a jerk, and I want to apologize." He didn't meet my gaze as he spoke.

"It's okay," I assured him, knowing he was trying to butter me up for Negan's sake. I appreciated that he was remorseful, but I didn't have time for it. "I forgive ya."

Brandon turned to leave and then approached the truck a third time, making my stomach drop.

"Wait.. didn't your husband come here with you?" he asked curiously, glancing to the backseat and shining the light that way.

"Yes!" Amy said, loud enough to bring Brandon's attention and flashlight back to her face. "He did. He's still inside. Negan's gonna bring him back tomorrow. He wanted to talk to him about something." Amy spoke fast, and I could hear the nervousness in her voice.

"We think Negan wants to ask Eric to become a Savior," I added quickly, hoping to take his attention off Amy.

I watched Brandon's face as he took in our lie. He didn't appear suspicious, and nodded after I finished speaking. Seemingly content with our answer, Brandon smiled at both of us.

"Well good for him."

Convinced, Brandon headed over to the gate and pulled it open for us. Driving out of the Sanctuary yard, I gave him a sincere smile. I was grateful he was willing to let us out so easily, though I knew Negan would probably go ballistic once he learned we were gone. I didn't have time to worry about his reaction, and decided I would handle that once Charlotte was safe.

We drove slowly down the road before picking up the speed when we were a good distance from the factory. Amy exhaled loud and then looked into the backseat.

"You can get up, Charlotte," she said with a thin smile.

Charlotte climbed up from the floor and sat down onto the truck seat. She looked out the window as we drove and didn't say anything. Amy opened the glove compartment to find a walkie talkie and a map. She unfolded the map and used it to give me directions on where to drive. We all sat in silence for a long time and then Amy let out a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked, glancing back at Charlotte. When she didn't respond, Amy looked at me with worry. I simply frowned at her and kept my eyes on the road.

Some time later, Amy pointed at some trees and told me to pull over. Once the truck stopped, she hopped out, taking the backpack with her. I opened the door for Charlotte who got out slowly.

"Here," Amy held the bag out to Charlotte who took it from her. "We can't bring you back to the school, but we won't let Negan kill you."

Charlotte didn't move at first. She simply stared down at the backpack and then pulled it on. Then to my surprise, she wrapped her arms around Amy in a tight hug. Standing there awkwardly, I watched as they embraced for a long time.

Once they finished hugging, Charlotte let Amy go and I could see in the dim moonlight that both of them were crying. Charlotte finally looked at me and I realized we had given her everything she would need except for a weapon.

Reaching down to where my knife was sheathed at my side, I pulled it out and held it out to her. She wouldn't make it long without a weapon, but with it, she would at least stand a chance. That knife had helped me through a lot and had also been my worst nightmare. Through A.J. and Caleb, I was more than willing to part with it.

Charlotte took my knife and continued to stare into my eyes.

"I wish things could have been different," she said in a quiet voice. "But maybe I was always meant to end up alone."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I didn't want any of this to happen either, and I hoped she knew that. I wanted to invite her to live at Doveport, but Negan would find her. This was the best we could do for her. She probably wished she had never left that treehouse.

Charlotte reached out and placed a hand on my arm and squeezed. A stern look came over her face.

"Don't get lost in him," she whispered.

I paled at her words and just stared back. Did she know that there was something happening between Negan and me? And what did that mean _'don't get lost in him'_?

I didn't have a chance to ask. Charlotte turned away from both of us and headed into the trees. Amy and I stood on the road and watched as she disappeared into the darkness. Even a few minutes after she was gone we lingered. Glancing over at Amy, I noticed how worn out she was.

"Let's go back," I mumbled, turning away from the trees. Amy followed and we both got into the truck. Starting the engine, I flipped on the headlights and noticed a few walkers were headed our way. Driving around them on the road, I knew we would have a lot of explaining to do once we reached the Sanctuary.

"Negan is going to be so pissed," I said with a nervous chuckle, watching the road as I pressed down on the gas to speed up. When Amy didn't answer me, I glanced over to see she was staring down at her lap.

"Amy?" I asked, slowing the truck down to a stop.

That's when I noticed she wasn't staring at her lap—she was staring at the truck floor.

Amy looked up at me.

"I think my water just broke."

Flipping on the truck's interior lights, my eyes grew wide in panic. There was fluid everywhere, dripping from the seat and onto the floor.

"She's here," Amy uttered fearfully. "The baby's here."


	41. Chapter 41: Complete

"Fuck!" I cursed, staring at the amniotic fluid that was dripping down from the car seat and onto the truck floor. The walkers we passed had turned around and were headed for us, but I couldn't think. The baby was coming, and we were on the road in the middle of the night. My brain felt unplugged as I gaped at Amy.

Just as I started to snap out of my shocked state, Amy grabbed my arm and twisted my skin. Her face contorted, her body hunched over, and she let out a loud gasp as a contraction hit hard. I tensed up as she squeezed my arm in a vice grip. Suddenly a walker appeared on the passenger side of the truck. It began scratching at the window, desperately trying to get to Amy.

Once she let go of my arm, I stepped on the gas and began driving away from the walkers that were coming up on the truck. Amy was panting, trying to recover from the intense pain when she cried out.

"Wait, stop!"

I slowed the truck and turned to look at her distraught face. Her chest was rising and falling fast and she looked terrified.

"Doveport's closer."

Glancing into the rear view mirror, I watched as the walkers stumbled down the road towards us again. I had no idea which way the school was from where we were at, and I turned to Amy with a frantic look.

"But Eric!" I argued, pointing out that her husband was still back at the Sanctuary. He had helped us cause a distraction to sneak Charlotte out, and we weren't able to bring him with us. I knew Amy wouldn't want to give birth without him there, but I couldn't risk having her out in the open with walkers everywhere.

"Please, Elle!" Amy panted, and gave me a stern look. "I don't want to give birth in a pickup truck. Just take me to the school." Even though she was visibly shaken and in a lot of pain, Amy was determined. Knowing there was no point in arguing further, I nodded. Carson had told us that once the major contractions started, it was only a matter of time until the baby arrived.

Wincing, Amy pulled the map back out from the glove compartment to study it. With the chamber still open, I reached inside to grab the walkie-talkie. Amy gestured for me to turn the truck around, and as I did, I pushed the talk button on the radio.

"I need Negan!" I said panic-stricken. "Tell him it's Elle!"

As we flew down the road, Amy gave me instructions on getting to the school. Her contractions were rare at first, but then they seemed to be happening more frequently. I kept my eyes peeled on the road, occasionally glancing over at Amy. Her forehead was dripping in sweat and she had her eyes closed as she focused on her breathing. With one hand on the steering wheel, I clutched the radio in my other, hoping to hear back from Negan. It wasn't until we reached a familiar road that the radio buzzed to life.

"You are in a fucking _SHIT LOAD_ of trouble, little girl…" Negan's deep voice came through. I could already hear he was livid; he had probably discovered we'd helped Charlotte escape and was enraged for it, but I didn't have time to argue.

"Amy's water broke," I said, cutting off any berating he had in store for me. "We're almost to the school, but I don't know what to do." I did my best not to sound hysteric, but in reality I was panicking. As we came down a road, I recognized the buildings and knew where we were. Speeding up, I headed for the school and waited for Negan to respond. When he didn't, I pressed the talk button again.

"Eric is still at the Sanctuary," I added, swerving to dodge a walker that was standing in the middle of the road. Amy winced at the sudden movement and clutched onto the truck door to keep herself steady.

A few seconds passed and suddenly the walkie-talkie buzzed again.

"Amy?!" Eric's asked fearfully. I realized he must have already been with Negan to have answered us that quickly. Negan was probably interrogating him about where we were. At hearing it was her husband, I handed the radio over to Amy who took it into her hands.

"Eric, the baby's coming!" Amy had started to sob just as I turned down the road leading to the school. Again, there was a long silence, and I knew they had to be discussing what to do. I hoped Negan being pissed at me wouldn't affect his decision to help. He had ensured us that Carson would be there when the baby came, and I was counting on him to make sure Amy and her child would be okay.

When we didn't get another response from the men, Amy handed the walkie back to me and I clipped it onto the belt loop of my jeans. We pulled up to the school gate and I stopped the truck. Getting out, I went over to the metal door and began banging on it as hard as I could. I had given Charlotte my knife and left my gun in the principal's office during the meeting with the Saviors and Greenbrier. If any walkers showed up, we were fucked.

Minutes passed by with no response from inside Doveport, and I banged faster on the metal and called out, hoping someone would hear us. I turned as a sudden cry came from inside the truck when another strong contraction hit Amy. She threw her head back as tears streaked down her face.

As I was watching her over my shoulder, the gate finally opened partially and Ryan peaked around the corner looking frightened.

"Amy's having the baby!" I announced, grabbing the gate and yanking it fully open. Not waiting to see his reaction, I headed back for the truck and got into the driver's side door. We pulled into the yard and Ryan closed the gate once we were inside. I stopped right in front of the school doors and hopped out, rounding the truck to help Amy. Ryan ran over and held the doors open for us as we carefully made our way into the building.

We went into Amy and Eric's bedroom, and I helped Amy onto the bed. She was drenched in sweat and stared up at me desperately. I didn't know what to say—I didn't know anything about birthing or babies. We both looked at each other and then jumped when the radio that was hooked onto my pants hissed to life.

"We're on our way and we've got Dr. Carson! Just hold on, Amy!" Eric's voice came through in cracks, but Amy seemed relieved to hear they were coming. Leaning against the pillows, she closed her eyes just as Vivienne stepped into the room holding a basin of water. After setting it down on a nearby desk, she began propping up more pillows behind Amy.

"Her water broke," I explained, feeling helpless as I watched Amy's chest heave. "What do you need me to do?"

"Go get some towels and some water to drink. We can't let her get dehydrated," Vivienne ordered. Amy opened her eyes at hearing Vivienne's voice and gave her a weak smile.

"Hey, Viv," Amy said. She already looked exhausted.

Vivienne went over to her and smoothed some hair out of her face, returning Amy's smile. "We've got you, sweetheart. Everything is going to be okay."

Knowing Amy was in good hands with Vivienne, I rushed out of the room and headed for the locker room to gather up the supplies she asked for. After grabbing every towel we had and a couple of washcloths, I went to the kitchen to get a bottle of water.

When I returned to the bedroom, Vivienne had helped Amy out of her pants. I handed her the towels and she set them at the foot of the mattress. Bringing over the water bottle to Amy, I went to help her drink it, but she plucked it from my hands and chugged gratefully. I smirked as I watched her drink—she was still independent as ever.

"She's dilating, which is good," Vivienne explained. "Where's Eric?"

"On his way. They should be here soon." I glanced over to see Amy was clenching her fists as another contraction hit. I wanted so badly to help her, but there wasn't anything I could do.

"We need to keep everyone out of her hair," Vivienne said, glancing at the door that was closed. Most of the Doveporters had gathered into the hall to see what the commotion was about.

"I'm on it," I said. Before I left the room, I reached over and took Amy's hand and squeezed it. She smiled thinly at me and almost appeared delicate, but I knew better. Amy was strong—if anyone could do this, it was her.

Stepping out into the hallway, I was met with worried expressions from everyone in our community. I knew they would be curious about what was happening, and couldn't blame them.

"Amy's in labor," I stated, glancing at each of their faces. Ryan was standing right by the bedroom door and I turned to him.

"We cleaned up the principal's office," he informed me with a grim expression. I winced at his words and what they implemented.

 _They cleaned up Derek._

This day was starting to feel impossibly long. It had only been hours since I had listened to the sounds of Negan bashing his head in. I hadn't seen the aftermath, and couldn't imagine the horrendous sight, nor did I want to.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking down the hall at the office door that was closed. I didn't think I would ever be able to go back in there. The principal's office always made me think of Philip. Now it was forever a grim reminder that my plan for peace had failed.

"It's not your fault, Elle," Ryan tried to assure me. "He's the one who brought a gun. It's over now. We're all just really worried about Amy."

"Don't be." I looked at each one of them again. We'd all knew this day was coming, but I could see the uncertainty. "She's going to be okay. The doctor is on his way, but we need to leave her alone. She doesn't want an audience."

Everyone nodded in understanding. I could tell they wanted to help, and I understood that feeling. It was killing me that I couldn't help my best friend, but we needed to give her space.

"Is there anything we can do?" Ryan asked.

"Just get some sleep," I said, heading for the front doors. "Everyone needs to rest." Before going outside, I turned around to see they all had started to disperse back into their rooms. Once I knew they wouldn't bother Amy, I headed for the front gate to wait for Eric and Dr. Carson.

Twenty minutes went by, but it felt like an eternity. I wanted so badly to go in and check on Amy, but I forced myself to stand guard at the gate and wait. Soon enough, a truck came flying down the road at an incredible speed, and I pulled the gate open so it wouldn't have to stop outside. I knew they must have sped the entire way with the time they made. As the truck flew past me into the yard, I noticed it was Negan driving.

The truck came to a halt next to the pickup I had parked in front of the school doors. Eric and Dr. Carson jumped out of the right side and went sprinting into the building. I could see some sort of medical bag in Carson's hand. I let out a sigh of relief knowing that Amy would have the doctor at her side.

I closed the gate and turned to head back inside the school when my body was pushed up against the metal door and held there. With my breath knocked out of me, I stared up wide eyed as Negan pined me down. His eyes were blazing like fire and his brows were slanted down in rage.

"Where the fuck is she?!" he roared, gripping my arms tightly as he demanded to know where Charlotte was. His menacing face was inches from mine and he was seething—I had never seen him so furious.

My surprise transformed into anger and I yanked my arms from his grasp. Placing my hands on his chest, I shoved him backwards. He stumbled a bit, and I used the opportunity to get into his face.

"Don't you EVER do that to me again!" I yelled. I didn't care how angry he was. I wasn't about to let him throw me around.

"WHERE?!" he bellowed, trying to be intimidating. He stepped forward again, towering over me.

"SHE'S NOT HERE!" I yelled, stepping up onto my toes to get into his face. "What are you gonna do, Negan? Punish me? Or have I become a liability now?"

We were both huffing as we glared at one another. I wondered in that moment if I was pushing him too far. I could see from the look on his face that he was ready to explode. But Charlotte was gone and there was nothing he could do.

"We dropped her off in a random spot." I finally spoke and lowered my voice, but it still had an edge to it, as if I was daring him to challenge me.

"Why?" he growled through clenched teeth.

"Because I wasn't going to let you kill her." I held his hard gaze, not willing to back down. Being pressed against the gate had really frightened me, and adrenaline coursed through my veins.

"That wasn't your fucking decision to make!" He raised his voice again.

"Well there's nothing you can fucking do about it!" I mimicked his favorite swear word and went to step past him, but he grabbed my arm and stopped me in my place.

"You're fucking me over, you know that? She'll want revenge for her brother!"

"No! She doesn't want revenge. She wants to be done. It's done, Negan." Ripping my arm from his grasp, I began marching towards the school, not wanting to argue with him anymore.

"He tried to shoot you."

I froze in place with my back to him.

"That Mallrat bastard aimed that fucking gun at you. You saw it."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, remembering the sight of Derek leaning up against the office wall and aiming his pistol at me. I knew he wanted Negan dead, but seeing him threaten my life had changed everything in a single instant. I had tried to protect Derek, but he died thinking I was his enemy.

I didn't hear Negan approach me from behind, but he didn't touch me. I slowly turned to look up at him to see the anger was gone and replaced with something else entirely—something I never thought I'd see.

He looked _scared_.

"Derek threatened the only thing in this world I've come to give a shit about. That was his last mistake." Negan spoke with great conviction as he gazed into my eyes. "He tried to take you from me, Elle."

He wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, but hearing him say it left me speechless. Perhaps in some sick way it was romantic—he had saved my life.

But it wasn't the way things were supposed to go.

"I just wanted to help," I whispered, hanging my head down. I worked so hard to try and find a solution that would benefit both Negan and Derek, but I failed. I couldn't take it back, and now there was no Greenbrier.

"I know." Negan took a step closer and went to reach out for me, but I stepped away, making him retract his hand.

"Simon brought a gun too. You didn't trust me," I accused him. My eyes began to water, but I fought the urge to cry, not wanting to appear weak. I still blamed myself too—if I had just checked Simon and Derek, I would have found the hidden weapons. I had been too complacent, and both men took advantage of that.

"I do trust you, Elle. It's King Mallrat I didn't fucking trust." He was serious, but was speaking gently, as if he was trying to assure me it wasn't my fault.

But it had been _MY_ meeting.

I sighed, not wanting to discuss it anymore. There were much more important things I had to deal with.

"I need to go check on Amy," I mumbled, turning away from him again. I didn't mean to be so cold, but Derek had only been dead a couple hours. I was still dealing with the guilt of convincing Greenbrier to come to Doveport and forcing them all to go to the Sanctuary.

As I walked to the school, Negan followed me in. We didn't speak as we headed for Amy and Eric's bedroom. Before I could go in, the door opened and Vivienne stepped out. I glanced through the open door to see Eric had pulled up a chair and was sitting next to his wife, holding her hand. Dr. Carson was taking Amy's vitals and had a stern look on his face as he did. Eric glanced up and me and I smiled meekly at him. He simply nodded.

Pulling the door closed, I glanced over to see Negan had been looking inside the room too.

"Carson thinks all the stress from today triggered the labor," Vivienne explained. "He said the baby will be here by tomorrow. She's already dilated to four, so it's gonna be a long night."

"Thank you, Vivienne," I said sincerely. She was a godsend and Doveport was lucky to have her.

"Is Momma Bear gonna be alright?" Negan asked; his eyes were still fixated on the door.

"Amy's a tough girl," Vivienne said, looking at him. "She's gonna be okay, but she wants visitors kept to a minimum."

"Whatever she wants," I said, staring at the closed door. I wanted to spend the whole night with her, but Amy wanted her privacy, and I needed to get some rest. The adrenaline was wearing off and I felt beat.

Vivienne smiled reassuringly at me and then went back into the bedroom. As the door opened, my eyes went to Amy. She still looked determined as ever, and then the door closed, cutting off my view of her.

Letting out a deep sigh, I headed down the hall towards my room with Negan trailing behind. Too tired to continue our previous argument, I went over to my bed and flopped down onto it horizontally. Negan did the same, flopping down next to me. Our legs dangled over the side as we laid in the middle of the mattress. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to ignore all the bad thoughts going through my head.

 _What if Amy dies during childbirth?_

 _What if the baby doesn't make it?_

I wouldn't be able to go on if something happened to her.

I was busy entertaining all the ugly possibilities when Negan's voice brought me back to the present.

"I used to be a gym teacher."

At first I didn't think I'd heard him correctly. Sitting up and turning over on my side, I found him looking at me. He was reading my face for a reaction and smirked the moment he saw I was confused.

"Yeah, I know. Me, a coach. Fucking shocker. Hard to imagine this ass in gym shorts, right? But I'm not fucking with you. I worked at a school that was a little bit bigger than this one. Had the damn referee whistle and everything."

I didn't say anything as I stared down at him. He had folded his hands behind his head to prop it up and was regarding the white ceiling.

"Lucille and I never had kids…" He trailed off, and I saw a bit of pain in his face as he said her name. I wondered if there was any regret there. Before I could ask, he continued.

"The high school brats were enough excitement for us. I even set up a fucking ping-pong table in my garage and the little shits would come over after school to play me. I kicked their sorry asses every time." He smiled as if lost in a memory, but then frowned, as if what he was remembering had suddenly turned sour.

At the mention of ping-pong, my mind went back to our first "date" when he had brought me to the sporting goods store and insisted I play a game with him. I wondered if that store was his way of recreating a piece of his life before. I'd have never guessed him to be a gym teacher of all things, but it also seemed strangely fitting. Negan had shown interest in the school gym the first day I had met him, and now it made sense.

"Do you wanna be a mom?" he asked and I looked back at him. He was staring right at me, waiting for my answer.

"I… I don't know. I always wanted to before, but I don't think I could now. The idea of bringing a baby into this world scares me." I was being honest with him—I always planned to have children, but now it just seemed pointless. I had enough people to worry about and didn't need to add to that number.

Negan studied me for a long time without saying anything. I wished I knew what he was thinking and then he spoke.

"It's not too late."

I smiled skeptically at him and waited for the punchline, but it never came. Once I realized he was being serious, my face scrunched in confusion.

 _He wants to have children with me?_

Negan as a lover was one thing—Negan as a father was a whole other ball game. I didn't know how he would act around a child. Knowing him, he'd be very protective of his offspring.

Would that child inherit the Sanctuary and everything he built? If so, wouldn't that child be in constant danger? Negan said there were men that wanted him dead, so wouldn't those same men want his kid dead too?

I closed my eyes and tried to picture what Negan as a dad would look like. I imagined being in the big open room of the Sanctuary with Negan standing in the middle holding an iron.

Would he make his child watch?

The idea made my stomach flip and I let out a long sigh.

"We should get some sleep," I mumbled, laying back down onto the bed and trying to shake the mental image of an innocent child being subjected to such horror.

Exhaustion overcame me, and it wasn't long before I drifted off to sleep with Negan laying at my side.

* * *

Sitting up with a yawn, I reached over to turn on my nightstand lamp. Once the orange light flooded my room, I glanced around to find Negan was gone. I had been moved so I was laying vertically with my head propped up onto a pillow and a blanket was draped over my body. I knew it had to have been Negan who re-positioned me, and smiled to myself at the idea of him being so thoughtful.

Getting up from the bed, I quietly opened the door and was met with light shinning from the school windows. It was daytime, and my eyes grew wide as I realized I had slept much longer than intended.

 _Amy._

Glancing down the hall, I saw all the Doveporters were in the hallway. Some of them were standing and others were sitting up against the wall. Negan was with them with his arms crossed over his chest. Everyone was staring at Amy and Eric's bedroom door. Vivienne and Ryan were also in the hallway and they both turned to greet me as I approached. I was just about to ask how Amy was doing when a strange sound caught my attention.

A tiny cry.

I pushed past a few Doveporters who were gathered by the room and opened the door.

Amy was still propped up against the pillows with a bundle in her arms. Carson was slumped down into a chair. He looked exhausted, but smiled politely at me as I entered. Eric stood next to Amy and was proudly smiling down at the bundle in her arms.

Stepping forward slowly, I came around the other side of the bed and peeked over the bundle to see a little round face poking out of the swaddled blanket.

Tears filled my eyes and spilled down as I studied the pink cheeks and squinting grey eyes that were trying to adjust to the light.

"A healthy baby girl," Carson announced, breaking the silence. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the baby who was wailing softly. She had a soft tuft of brown hair on the top of her head and her tiny hand was wrapped around Amy's finger.

She was so beautiful.

"Abigail," Amy stated, staring down at her child with the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. "Abby."

We both looked at each other and I grinned through my tears.

She was okay and so was the baby—it was all I could ask for.

Vivienne entered and came around my side of the bed. I moved out of her way so she could see our new community member. She began to cry as she smiled down at Abby.

"Hey there, little one," Vivienne cooed.

"We need to try breastfeeding soon, and you need to make sure to keep her warm," Carson explained, standing up from his chair. Amy nodded in understanding, but continued to study Abby's face mesmerized.

"Congratulations, Dad," I said softly, smiling at Eric. He grinned wide at me and then turned his attention back to his daughter. The sight made me feel euphoric; all the fear I'd had the previous day was gone and replaced with excitement and relief.

Our family was now complete.

Looking over at the door, I realized Negan was still waiting out in the hall. Stepping out of the room, I walked up to where he was leaning against the wall. He stood up straighter and smirked at the sight of me beaming.

"So that Pop-Tart finally finished toasting, huh?" he asked, immediately assigning one of his ridiculous nicknames to the baby. Taking him by surprise, I reached up to hook my arm around his neck and pulled him in for a passionate kiss.

In that moment, I felt eternally grateful to him.

Sure Negan was a violent man, and maybe he had broken the rules of my meeting with Derek, but it was because of him that Amy and Abby were okay. All of my fears were for nothing because Negan always made sure we were safe. And sure, he had been angry with me for helping Charlotte escape, but somehow I knew he would never hurt me for it.

I pulled away from our kiss to find him grinning.

"I think somebody has baby fever," he whispered, gazing deep into my eyes. I smiled at him and wrapped my fingers with his. Taking his hand, I began pulling him up from the wall.

"Elle, what the fuck…" he said hesitantly as I towed him with me.

Going into Amy and Eric's room, everyone looked up nervously from Abby's face to see Negan enter, except for Amy who couldn't seem to take her eyes off her child. Guiding an unsure Negan over to the front of the bed, Vivienne stepped out of our way so he could see the baby.

Everyone in the room watched as he stared down at Abby for a long time. His expression was hard to read and then he smiled with twinkling eyes.

"She's fucking perfect," he declared.

I grinned and stared down at Abby's little angelic face.

"Yes, she is."


	42. Chapter 42: Dolled Up

Abby quickly became the greatest joy of Doveport.

Everyone wanted to help out with her, which Amy was very grateful for. Eric and her weren't getting much sleep in the weeks since Abby's birth, so we all stepped up. Lucky for us, she was a very good baby. She slept well as long as she had her little pink pacifier, otherwise she wailed until we brought it to her.

Amy struggled to produce enough milk and was very hard on herself for it. I found her crying a couple of times, upset that she wasn't able to properly feed her baby. In our situation, it normally would have been a big problem…

But we had Negan.

The day after I told him about Amy struggling with breastfeeding, he showed up to Doveport with a pickup truck filled with eight boxes full of baby formula and a handmade crib. One of the men at the Sanctuary had built it just for Abby. Negan said he would get "whatever the little Poptart needed".

I tried not to think about Derek and Greenbrier. I couldn't change the past, but I could focus on the future. My community was safe. Vivienne's garden was flourishing. Every night, Doveport gathered into the cafeteria to eat a meal together. The large room was filled with chatter and laughter. We weren't just surviving—we were thriving.

Negan continued to visit Doveport every week, but he wasn't asking for us to give supplies anymore. Most of the time, he was the one bringing boxes filled with necessities. Some days he brought meat, which Vivienne incorporated into her meals. More often than not, Negan would stay for dinner. Then afterwards, he'd spend the night.

Somehow, what happened with Derek didn't drive us apart. In fact, we'd grown closer than ever. We weren't keeping our relationship a secret anymore. When he'd arrive at Doveport, he'd kiss me every time, dragging it out and whispering that he missed me. At night we became tangled up together—limbs wrapped around limbs, skin brushing up against skin. I found it difficult to sleep on the nights he wasn't there because I missed being in his arms.

One day I was standing outside by Philip's grave. I liked to visit him occasionally and wished he was still alive. He would have loved Abby. It was because of him that she would have a safe place to grow up—that she would have a chance.

I was staring down at the dirt pile where a bit of grass had started to grow over when I heard the sound of truck engines. Ryan was already outside helping Eric with the car, so he jogged over to the gate and opened it.

The Saviors' trucks began pulling into the yard, but Ryan seemed to be focused on something beyond the gate. Walking over to where he was, I saw a female walker was dragging itself towards the entrance. She was slow moving—her leg had a huge chunk torn out of it, causing her to limp. Ryan went to take out his knife when Negan appeared next to me to watch her approach.

"Want me to tell her there's no fucking school today?" he asked, planting a kiss onto my cheek and presenting his bat. I rolled my eyes at him, but couldn't help smiling. He was such a show off.

"Knock yourself out."

I leaned against the gate as Negan swung the bat into the side of the walker's head, causing it to hit the ground. The impact was enough to kill it instantly, and he smirked proudly. Glancing up at the sky, I noticed there were dark clouds overhead. We hadn't seen rain in weeks, and I wondered if they were storm clouds.

"What's for dinner?" Negan asked, coming up to grab the gate and close it. I raised an eyebrow, knowing if he was asking about that, then he was planning on spending the night.

"Vivienne's making spaghetti. It's easy, and we have fresh basil for it." I began to walk towards the school and he followed.

"Basil, huh?" he asked in a low voice, side-eyeing me.

"That tickle your fancy?" I asked smiling to myself.

Negan chuckled low. "I've got something you can tickle."

I gave him a warning look, causing him to snicker. I couldn't believe that this man could be so romantic, when the majority of the time he was just really vulgar.

As we walked, a Savior came running up and held out a black shopping bag to Negan. Curious, I tried to look inside when Negan held it up and away from me.

"It's a surprise," he said with a toothy grin. I pursed my lips in confusion. He usually just brought boxes. The bag looked like it came from a designer store.

As we entered into the school, Amy was standing by the entrance holding Abby. The baby was latched onto her pacifier and was struggling to keep her little eyelids open.

"Elle, can you please take her for a few minutes? I want to go shower quick before dinner." Amy had bags under her eyes and looked exhausted. "I'd ask Eric, but he's busy with the car."

"Of course," I said, holding out my arms to take Abby. Negan watched the exchange without saying anything and Amy gave him a small smile.

"Hey, Negan. Staying for supper?"

"Fuck yeah!" He smiled down at Abby and then pinched his nose. "Pee-ew! Your mom really smells, Poptart!"

"You try getting thrown up on multiple times a day and we'll see how you smell!" Amy fired back with a fake scowl. Negan just grinned at her, so she threw up her middle finger and held it up over her head as she walked off. Negan laughed as he watched her disappear towards the locker rooms. They'd been much more amicable in recent weeks, and I was glad.

Cradling Abby, I made my way to Amy and Eric's bedroom. The crib was near the paper decorations of little animals we had put up weeks before. A makeshift mobile was set up to hang over the crib with little pink, yellow and blue stars spinning. I went to place Abby into the crib, but the pacifier fell from her mouth and she let out a cry. Placing the binky back into her mouth, I sat down in a wooden rocking chair, shushing her in a soft whisper.

Negan hadn't followed me in like I thought he would. Left alone with the baby, my mind wandered. I couldn't help but imagine what Abby's future would hold. College wasn't exactly a possibility, but she would still need to learn how to protect herself and how to survive. We'd have to set up classes for her to learn how to read and write. Lucky for us, we were already inside of a school. We could turn Philip's room back into a classroom and use the supplies to educate her. Once she was big enough to walk, she could run and play outside, completely protected with Doveport's wall.

"It suits you."

I looked up from Abby, who had fallen asleep in the short time I'd been rocking her. Negan was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall with a soft smile on his face. I must have looked confused, because Negan elaborated.

"You with a baby."

I smirked and shook my head. Ever since Abby had come into our lives, Negan had an almost gentleness about him.

"I've been learning a lot in the last couple weeks. We just wish she'd get on a normal sleep schedule. Her days and nights are all turned around. She's our little night owl." I stared down at her as I spoke.

"Have you thought more about what I said?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm?" I asked without looking at him.

"About being a mom."

Closing my eyes, I smiled and let out a sigh. Negan had been bringing it up a lot since Abby's birth. With how intimate we were being, pregnancy wasn't impossible, and something told me Negan was counting on it. But it wasn't something I was actively trying to make happen.

"Abby's enough for me right now." I stood up from the rocking chair and placed the sleeping infant into her crib. Abby wasn't mine, but I loved her with all my heart. She was a piece of Amy and Eric, two people I couldn't imagine going through this world without.

Negan came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into him.

"We're still gonna fuck, though. Right?" he asked. I scoffed, turning to look up at him; I didn't think I'd ever get used to his profanity. Grinning smugly, he added, "Cause I've got a heat-seeking moisture missile that I'd like to dock in that tight, slick, silo of yours."

Elbowing him in the chest, Negan let out a grunt, but continued to smile, completely amused with himself.

"You need to behave! Amy's gonna kill you if Abby's running around dropping f-bombs everywhere she goes." I turned back to look into the crib at the baby while Negan pressed his face against the side of my head.

"I thought you like it when I talk dirty," he murmured. His voice was thick, and I realized he was aroused. My cheeks turned pink, and I tried to pull away from him, but he hugged me tighter.

"Negan!" I said in a harsh whisper, but I was chuckling. He was relentless and began to kiss down my neck.

"Please don't bone in front of my child," Amy said, coming into the room with a pink towel wrapped around her red hair. "She's already going to see unimaginable horrors in this world. She doesn't need to see that."

I gave Amy an apologetic look as Negan's hand wrapped around mine.

"You've got it from here, Momma Bear?" he asked, pulling me towards the doorway. She nodded, glancing over to the crib where Abby was fast asleep.

"Yeah, just keep it down, would ya? These walls are thin, and I wanna get a nap in before Princess Pukes-A-Lot wakes up again."

"No fuckin' promises!" Negan called over his shoulder as we left the room. Before I could promise Amy we'd be quiet, he began leading me towards my bedroom. He was excited—more excited than he usually was.

"Negan!" I laughed, as we rushed down the hall. The urgency was apparent, and it made my heart flutter. He opened my door and held his hand out for me to go in.

Stepping inside my room, I was just about to turn to kiss him when I noticed something laying across my bed. The big grin on my face fell as I stared down at the black fabric and stepped closer to it.

A dress—just like his wives had.

"What is this?" I asked, though I knew exactly what it was. Slowing looking up at him, I noticed Negan's expression was still lust blown, but he also looked determined.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he said, taking a step into the room and closing the door behind him. He unzipped his leather jacket and gestured as the dress. "Try it on."

"You gonna leave your wives?" I asked, stone faced and unmoving.

Negan let out a heavy sigh. "Elle…"

"Then I already gave you my answer." We had discussed this before, back when I was trying to make things work with Greenbrier. I refused to become his sixth wife, and he knew it.

"It's different with them," he argued, a stern look appearing on his face.

"Then why the hell are you giving me one of their dresses?" I accused, picking up the gown and bunching it up in my hands. I didn't understand where this was coming from. I thought things were good between us, and now he had to go and make everything complicated.

"Because I want you to marry me!" he bellowed. "Why do you have to be so fucking difficult about this shit?! King Mallrat is dead! You're all out of excuses, and there's no fucking reason you need to stay here."

"So we're on that again?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. How many times was he going to ask me to move to the Sanctuary with him? It felt like no matter what, we were always doomed to argue about it. This time it came with a proposal that he had probably thought was romantic, but had turned bitter the moment I saw that dress laying across my bed.

"Yeah, we're back on it! I shouldn't have to drive an hour just to be with you! It's bullshit!"

Living at Doveport put me out of his reach and he hated it, but I couldn't stand the idea of moving from the school to the factory. Not to mention, our current situation was still fairly new. Our feelings could be fleeting, and it was something I was all too aware of.

What would happen if he lost interest?

"Why can't you just be happy with how things are?" I asked, scanning his face. 'Why can't this be enough for you?"

"Because I'm not happy! Every time my dick gets hard, I can either drive to this fucking school, or I can fuck one of my wives."

"You're still sleeping with them?" I asked in a quiet voice. A heavy silence fell over us and I knew his answer before he even said it.

"It's fucking different!" he said defensively.

"Yeah, you said that already," I twisted away from him to go further into my room when he grabbed my arm.

"Will you just fucking listen to me? Those women hate my fucking guts. They aren't with me because they like me. They're just fucking using me. But you and I have something that's real. If you move to the Sanctuary, we won't have to be apart anymore."

"You want me to join them? I asked, really hoping that wasn't what he was proposing.

"Yes! Why are you so goddamn afraid of coming with me?!" His voice raised as he furrowed his brows and studied my face.

"Cause I don't want to be trapped inside your factory once I'm done being your favorite flavor of the month!"

We both closed our mouths and stared at one another.

There it was—presented out in the open.

My greatest fear—the fear that I was nothing more than a fling.

"Is that really how you feel?" he asked with little emotion in his voice.

"No…" I whispered as my voice cracked and I looked away. It wasn't how I felt. It's what I was afraid of—that what we had wouldn't last forever and he would get bored of me. Wasn't that why he had so many women back at the Sanctuary? The second he lost interest in me he'd have an entire collection of dolls to play with.

"I'm just tired. I'm tired of arguing about this with you again and again. I don't understand why you won't leave them. You have me. You don't need them anymore. I know you hate having to drive here, but I hate that I have to share you with an entire group of women just so you can play the savior."

The frisky mood we'd shared earlier while flirting in Amy and Eric's room was gone. He hadn't expected I would say no to his proposal, but I refused to be a wife. Negan's eyes went to the dress and then to my face. Like me, he wasn't going to budge. His wives were a big part of this new world he was building, but I couldn't join them.

"I can't commit to you if you won't commit to me." I held his hardened gaze as I stated my terms. The only way I'd ever agree to marriage was if it was just him and me.

"They were there first," he lamented.

My heart dropped and I swallowed hard. I'd thought what we had was more important than his harem, but I was wrong.

"Good," I said derisively and dropped the dress onto the floor. I suddenly felt like an exposed nerve standing before him. As I moved to leave the room, I kept my head down to hide the hurt on my face. "You can be with them then."

"Elle…" Negan said, turning to continue the conversation, but I was out the door before he could say anything else.

* * *

The rest of the evening dragged on for what felt like forever. Even though things were tense, Negan didn't leave the school. Instead, he opted to help Vivienne with dinner, something he had never once shown an interest in doing. I was glad he was leaving me alone, but frustrated that he hadn't just gone back to the Sanctuary.

In order to avoid him as best as I could, I went to take Abby off Amy's hands. Sitting outside so we could both get some fresh air with her bundled up in my arms, I watched Eric and Ryan work on the car. Amy came outside a short while later to inform us dinner was ready. After glancing at Negan's truck, she gave me a puzzled look. I shook my head as my way of saying I didn't want to talk about it.

I heard a loud boom off in the distance as thunder roared. Glancing up, I noticed some storm clouds were gathering and I hurriedly got to my feet and headed inside.

When we sat down for dinner, I was annoyed to find Negan would be sitting across from me. He stared right at me as everyone ate and chatted. The rain started pouring only a few minutes into dinner, and the cracking thunder was now right above our heads. Abby cried at each sudden noise, and Amy comforted her, rocking her from side to side.

The spaghetti was delicious; Negan had suggested using red pepper flakes and oregano for a little kick. Unfortunately, I found it hard to enjoy as Negan continued to stare at me with that blank expression.

"What happened to the Greenbriers?" Amy suddenly asked, making me freeze from taking another bite of twirled noodles. Silence followed her question and everyone looked at Negan. Finally, his eyes left me to study Amy.

"The Mallrats have all been integrated into the Sanctuary," he explained. "Even got some of those fuckers working in Viv's garden."

"How's that going?" Vivienne asked, picking up a glass of water and taking a sip as she watched Negan.

"Fucking fantastic! Everyone has plenty to eat."

They all continued to talk and I stared down at my plate. I was vaguely aware that Eric was asking Negan about getting a new vehicle for Doveport. I couldn't stand how he could act like everything was fine. The others had no idea I had turned down his marriage proposal only hours before.

"Elle, are you okay?" Amy asked, reaching over to touch my hand that was holding my fork. I hadn't picked it up in a couple minutes, and once Amy addressed me, everyone turned their attention on me.

"Yeah," I mumbled, getting up from the table. "I'm just tired. I think I'm gonna go lay down."

"Didn't you like the spaghetti?" Negan's voice was monotone, and I met his gaze.

"It was fine," I said, looking away from him and heading towards the hall. As I rounded the corner, I froze as I heard Amy's voice.

"Are you gonna spend the night?" she asked Negan.

"Sure, but I think Elle's pissed at me. Can I bunk with you, Momma Bear?" Negan's voice carried over and I closed my eyes.

 _Goddamn it._

Of course he would spend the night.

I didn't wait to hear Amy's response and hurried to my room. After closing the door, I went to lay down on my bed and found the black dress was draped across the mattress once again. Picking it up, I threw it across the room and watched it pool onto the floor near the door. I was sick of looking at it. Burying my face into my pillow, I let out a loud, frustrated sigh.

An hour later, I decided I would get ready for bed. It wasn't even that late, but I just wanted to be done with the day. Opening my door, I was ready to head to the bathroom when I found Negan standing out in the hallway waiting for me. He was leaning against the wall and his eyes went to me the minute I stepped out. Briefly meeting his gaze, I quickly looked away and began heading down the hall towards the locker rooms.

"You can sleep in Phil's room," I said simply. It was my way of telling him sex was off the table. I expected him to argue with me, or at the very least follow me, but he didn't. Even once I finished getting ready for bed and I returned to my room, I found him still standing in the hallway, completely silent. I didn't say anything to him and closed the door.

Crawling onto my bed, I laid down on my side and stared at the dress that was still crumpled up on the floor. Just the very sight of it was pissing me off. I went to roll over so I wouldn't have to see it when I glanced back. After a few minutes of contemplating, I got up from my bed and walked across the room.

Bending over to pick up the pooled fabric, I held it against my body and stared down at it. It was a sleeveless, a-line dress, with a high neckline. It cut off just above the knees and the fabric was nice; not quite soft, but it was definitely expensive. I remembered fantasizing about wearing a dress just like it.

Glancing over to make sure the door was still closed, I laid the dress down on the bed and pulled my nightshirt off. Moving quickly, as if I could be caught at any moment, I pulled the gown over my head and then zipped it up.

I couldn't help but smile a little as I stared down at myself. It was surprisingly comfortable, and I hadn't worn a dress since before the dead came back to life. Twirling in place, I studied myself and then frowned. The dress practically emphasized the little pink and white scars on my arms and legs. Sure I felt pretty, but I looked more like a corpse ready to be buried.

Glancing back at my nightshirt that I had tossed onto my bed, I almost went to take the dress off when I remembered the first time I'd slept with Negan. He had called me beautiful, despite my scars. They didn't seem to turn him off, and I wondered if they would now.

 _Only one way to find out…_

Going over to the door, I peeked out into the hall to find Negan was no longer there. Creeping out of my room and making sure no one was out and about, I moved as quietly as possible towards Negan's room. Turning the knob, I went in and pulled the door shut behind me quickly.

Negan had undressed down to his boxers. The light was on, and he appeared to have been just getting into bed. He was laying on his side when I entered and turned to look at me. His eyes widened in surprise and I held my arms up as if presenting myself.

"I just wanted to try it on. This doesn't mean anything, okay?"

He sat up at the edge of the bed, staring up at me awestruck. I walked over to him and turned to show him how well the dress fit me. When he didn't say anything, I smiled sheepishly.

"I think I know how they can wear this thing everyday. It feels amaz-"

I couldn't finish.

Next thing I knew, Negan stood up from the bed and pressed his lips to mine. His kiss was rough and desperate, and I closed my eyes and melted into it. When he broke away, that same aroused look from earlier had returned.

"You look so fucking beautiful," he murmured, as his hands glided down my hips. Once his fingers found the hem of the dress, he began lifting it up. Pressing his mouth against my ear, he rasped, "Now take it off."

I couldn't have undressed faster if I tried.

I hadn't bothered with underwear while getting ready for bed, so once the dress fell onto the floor I was completely bare before him. Once I was free of the garment, Negan's hands returned to me, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, meeting him in another delicious kiss. He grabbed my ass and lifted me up, so I wrapped my legs around him. Carrying me to the bed, he dropped me down and I bounced a bit on the mattress.

"Lay back," he whispered, guiding me to do so by pressing a hand on my abdomen. I did as he said, leaning down against the bed. Without hesitating, he separated my legs, exposing my heat to him. I felt his nose rub up against my skin as his face disappeared between my thighs and I held my breath in anticipation.

The second his tongue hit my flesh, I began to writhe, but Negan held me still. Bringing up a fist, I bit down onto my own hand to muffle the little moans I made as he pressed in further, gently licking at my arousal. His beard brushed against my skin, causing me to shudder.

He knew me all too well—he had each and every sweet spot mapped out. The pleasure was so intense, and it only took a few minutes of him delving his tongue in and out before I felt that familiar tight coil growing impossibly tighter. Squeezing my eyes shut, I waited for him to take me over that glorious edge and unravel heaven.

And then he stopped.

I looked down to see him grinning from between my legs.

"Marry me," he said teasingly, as he held my legs open, refusing to bring me to my climax.

"Fuck you," I groaned, throwing my head back and trying to thrust forward. I was so close I could barely think straight.

"You already have, sweetheart." He was completely amused at the way I was squirming—my body was begging him to finish what he started.

Crawling over me, I glared up at him as I panted. I wanted so badly to wipe the stupid smirk off his face, but then his hand slid down my front and his fingers found my aching core, causing me to moan loud.

"Right there. Oh god, Negan. Please don't stop."

Seconds later, I reached total ecstasy. We locked eyes as I rode out my high. My mouth opened partially, and I trembled as electricity coursed through every single nerve.

As I came down, Negan's lips found mine in a delicate kiss, and I returned it happily. Then I pulled away from him to try and catch my breath.

"I might just move to the fucking school if you won't come with me to the Sanctuary," he said, getting up from the bed.

I smiled while watching him as he pulled his boxers down to reveal an impressive erection

"You know you can't," I said, giving him a sad smile as he returned to me.

"I can do whatever the fuck I want," he said before kissing me again.

"Oh yeah?" I taunted, sounding doubtful just to egg him on. Negan was kissing down my neck and I felt him smile against my skin.

"I got you into that damn dress, didn't I?" He bent my knees to help me brace myself against the bed.

"No, you got me out of it," I pointed out just as he lined himself up at my entrance. His mouth found mine again and he kissed me deeply before sitting back and smirking.

"Beg for it."

I could feel his length rubbing against my folds, but he held still and didn't enter me. Shaking my head in refusal, I returned his cocky grin.

"Make me."

Negan's smirk grew and he buried his face against my neck, nipping and kissing.

"Come on, Elle," he coaxed. His voice was strained, but I was struggling to keep it together too. Hearing him say my name was enough to turn me on all over again.

His hand moved back down and disappeared between my thighs. His fingertips lightly brushed against my dripping heat, and I gasped as he touched my over-sensitive bud.

"Do you like it when I touch you like this?" he asked teasingly, moving slowly. "Tell me what you want, baby." The tip of his cock rubbed up against my entrance and I jerked forward, desperate to feel him.

"Negan…" I moaned, getting lost in the intense feeling. It was too much.

"Yes?" he asked, meeting my eyes. He looked really pleased with himself and it brought me back down to reality, if only for a moment.

"You're an asshole," I muttered, narrowing my eyes at him.

He grinned and his hand froze, causing me to whine. He was dragging it out on purpose, edging me closer and closer. Deciding I didn't need him to finish it a second time, I slid my hand down my stomach, but Negan snatched my wrist before I even made it past my belly button.

"Uh uh. Nope." He grabbed body my hands and pinned them above my head. Exasperated, I bucked up, trying to rub against him to cause friction.

"Come on, Elle. Where are those sweet manners of yours?"

I shook my head vigorously, not wanting to give in to him. His grip tightened on my wrists and he moved his mouth by my ear.

"If you ask nicely, I'll give you want you want," he teased, hooking an arm around my leg to hold me in place.

"What _I_ want?" I asked, letting out an exasperated laugh. I loved playing hard to get with him and knew he was struggling, same as me.

"Mhmm," Negan purred.

"I already got mine," I said, biting back a moan. "I don't need to beg for anything."

A moment later, he had me eating those words.

Negan's hand returned and his fingers began to circle my bud.

"Are you fuckin' sure about that?" he husked. As my hips sat up to better rub against his fingers, I knew right then and there I was done for. I hated to give in, but the reward was too good to keep fighting him. As I pressed up against his hand, I felt myself get closer and closer to the edge again. Biting into his arm lightly, I silently hoped he wouldn't notice I was about to come. I was almost there when he slowed his movements and I let out a pitiful whimper.

"Just say the magic word…" he whispered into my ear.

I was too far gone to care, and hoping I didn't look as desperate as I felt, I finally gave in.

"Please."

The second it left my lips, Negan thrust inside me with one smooth motion and I cried out. Grunting as he slid further in, I threw my head back onto the bed and let my hips rock with him as he began pumping in and out at a rapid pace. We'd been together countless times, but somehow every time felt just as exciting and intense as the first.

All the teasing had made us both overly aroused. As he pounded into me, I knew it wouldn't take long. A little harmony of moans filled the room, and I didn't care about keeping it down—the sound was intoxicating and brought me closer to that desired high.

When I reached my peak, I felt my walls clench around him. Negan covered my mouth with his hand to stifle my loud cries. His taunting had cost him too, because moments later his movements slowed, his shaft twitched, and then he came inside me.

Once finished, he collapsed on top of me and then rolled over to my side. Laying his head against my breasts, he nuzzled against them. We were both gasping for breath and smiling in total satisfaction.

"Fuck," Negan sighed, as his chest rose up and down. "You don't know what you do to me, Elle."

I lifted my hand to his hair and ran my fingers through it. It was sweaty and tussled, but I combed through it and inhaled his scent. My heart was still pounding and he moved his head to the side as if to listen to my heart.

Glancing over at the floor, my eyes caught the sight of the black dress pooled there. I had come to him that night because I'd felt insecure about my scars, but hadn't once thought about them while being with him.

He made me feel so normal—so beautiful—so alive.

I stared at the dress, wondering if he would ever wear me down about becoming a wife.

Because in that moment, holding him in my arms as he drifted off to sleep, there was a tiny part of me that wanted to say yes.


	43. Chapter 43: Come Undone

A few days later, I was tidying up my room and had just finished making my bed when a knock sounded at my door.

"Come in!" I called, setting my pillow back in place and turning to see who it was. Amy entered carrying Abby; the baby was wearing a little yellow romper and had her pink pacifier sticking out of her mouth.

"Hey, I'm curious. Is Negan coming by tonight?" Amy asked, going over to sit down on my bed.

"I'm not sure. I guess he's had some issues he's had to deal with at the Sanctuary. Three people stole a bunch of medical supplies and ran off."

"More faces to burn," Amy muttered. She was propping Abby up so she could look around the room. The infant's curious eyes were taking in everything around her. "How have things been going with you two?"

"He.. uh.." I let out an uneasy laugh. "He asked me to marry him."

"What!?" Amy exclaimed, raising her eyebrows in surprise. Startled, Abby spat out her binky and it fell onto the bed. I nodded, smiling awkwardly. "What did you say?!"

"I told him no." I shrugged and looked away, remembering the little argument between Negan and me.

"Do you want to marry him?" she asked, placing the pacifier back into Abby's mouth.

I let out a long sigh and closed my eyes.

"Honestly? I don't know. I told him I would, but only if it's just the two of us. He didn't like that."

"Wait.. you're telling me he wants you to join his wives?" She sat up a bit just in time for Abby to spit the binky out again.

"Yeah. He won't give them up," I said, scratching my head.

"Asshole," Amy hissed while replacing the binky, only for it to be immediately spat out. She set it down on my nightstand and then turned to face me. "I'm sorry, Elle. You deserve better than that."

"He's not a "one woman kind of guy"," I mumbled, quoting Negan the day I had met his wives. Being in that parlor room had made me so uncomfortable. I couldn't imagine living that life with the other girls.

"If he really cares about you, he'll change," Amy said. "Someone is gonna have to give in, and it better not be you."

I let out a laugh. "I'll stick to my guns."

"Good." Amy smirked.

Suddenly a shrill noise came from from outside, causing Amy and I to jump in surprise. Abby began to cry as a repetitive honking noise rang out throughout the entire school.

 _A car alarm._

"What the fuck is happening?!" Amy said, looking at me frantically.

"Stay inside," I told her, grabbing my pistol and heading out of my room. Rushing towards the front of the school, I watched as the other Doveporters gathered into the hallway to look outside. I expected to see we were under attack, but the gate was still closed.

As I stepped into the yard, I followed the source of the alarm to our car. Eric and Ryan were both distraught, searching inside the car. The closer I got, the louder the alarm pounded in my ears.

"Turn it off!" I yelled over the high-pitched noise.

"We're trying!" Ryan cried. "Eric can't get it to stop. Something is wrong with the fuse!" Eric was trying to pull the plastic away from the left-hand side of the steering column.

"As he struggled, I bent down near the little metal toolbox and pulled out some pliers. Handing them to Eric, he pried the plastic off and revealed the car's fuse box.

Two rows of multi-colored fuses was revealed and Eric began removing each one, not bothering to figure out which fuse was which. Finally, he removed a red fuse and the alarm stopped.

Eric let out a sigh of relief and dropped the pliers. He leaned back in the seat and then looked over at me.

"Sorry. We accidentally set it off."

"It's okay," I reassured him, "Do you know what happened?"

He got out of the car and dropped the pliers inside the toolbox.

"Yeah, it's a piece of shit car." He seemed frustrated, and I remembered he had recently asked Negan for another vehicle.

I was about to ask him about it when a scratching noise came from the gate. We all froze and listened to the sound of a walker crawling at the metal door. Bending down to the toolbox, I pulled out a hammer and headed over to the gate.

When I opened it, the creature stumbled into the yard with its arms outstretched towards me. Swinging the hammer into the side of its head, it dug into its skull and sent the walker toppling down. Setting the hammer on the ground, I grabbed the dead body and began dragging it through the gate and out of the school yard.

Moving the corpse into the surrounding trees, I thought I heard a strange sound coming down the road. As I stepped back towards the gate and glanced down the street, my eyes widened in horror.

A horde of walkers was stumbling along, no doubt attracted to the car alarm. They moved as a group, some of them dragging themselves along the asphalt and others walking along the grass. As I stood frozen in fear, I realized there were more than I could count.

There had to be hundreds of them.

And all of them were headed right for the school.

Panic hit and I backed into the school yard, grabbing the gate. As I went to shut it, walkers appeared in the nearby trees. Every single one was heading right for me. I closed the gate quickly, latching the little bent metal piece back into place just as they all arrived at the entrance. They began scratching and pushing against the door, causing the gate to groan against the pressure.

"Elle?" Ryan called out from where he was standing by the car. Both men were watching me as I looked back at them. The growling noise grew even louder as the horde grew closer and more walkers began pushing against the barrier.

"Get inside!" I yelled, taking another step back.

Then I heard a loud snapping noise.

The metal latch broke off and the gate was forced opened. As a couple walkers stumbled forward, their bodies causing the gate to open wider.

Scrambling to grab the hammer from the ground, I stood back up just in time for one of them to reach me. It knocked me down just as I gripped the tool in my hand and swung as hard as I could.

Falling on my ass, I hit the walker in the front of the face with the hammer. It broke through the putrid flesh and a yellow liquid sprayed out everywhere. I didn't have time to be disgusted as more walkers continued to enter into the yard.

Then I felt someone pulling me back up to my feet. Eric had ran over to help me and was now leading me towards the school. I glanced back to see the dead were pouring into the yard, filling it up like water in a bowl.

Ryan was holding the front door open as Eric and I sprinted through. Once we were inside, he closed and locked it. The walkers all followed us up to the building. A group of them pressed up against the thick glass. Within seconds, there were more of them than I could count. Their yellow eyes stared at us as they desperately scratched at the windows.

Gasping for breath, I glanced back to see every Doveporter was watching the terrifying sight.

"Ryan went to lock the back door," Vivienne said in a frantic voice as she stepped up to me.

"The glass is bulletproof. It should hold, but I can't be sure," Eric informed me.

I stood speechless, not knowing what to do. There was only one entrance and exit to the school yard and it was that front gate. I couldn't see over the gathering walkers, but I remembered the size of the horde. They'd continue to come into the walls and we would have no way out.

Then I remembered the walkie-talkie.

Racing away from the front doors and my friends, I went to my bedroom and snatched the radio from my dresser. Pressing the talk button with a shaky hand, I tried to calm my nerves.

"Doveport has been overrun." I spoke slowly, but could hear the fear in my voice. "We are trapped inside the school and the yard is filling with walkers. There's a horde. Please, is anyone there?"

Silence followed for a few seconds and I pressed the button again.

"Hello? Does anyone copy?!"

 _No response._

It usually took a few minutes to get a hold of anyone, but as the seconds ticked by and the radio remained silent, I became filled with dread.

If I couldn't contact anyone, we would be sitting ducks.

Hooking the walkie talkie to my jeans, I went back into the hallway where everyone was gathered. They watched as the creatures pressed up against the glass with wide, scared faces.

"Everyone get away from the windows!" I yelled, going up to where Eric and Amy were standing. Amy was holding onto Abby and looking at the walkers.

"What are we going to do?" Eric asked as the other Doveporters gathered near us.

"I radioed Negan, but I haven't got an answer. We just need to hold out until we can contact him. Then he can come get us." I spoke loud enough so everyone could hear me and did my best to sound confident.

"Then we need to pack," Vivienne said. I could tell she was scared, but she was doing her best to hide it. "Everyone needs to gather their things so we can be ready to leave."

I nodded. I hated to leave Doveport behind, but our lives mattered more than the school. The others seemed to agree and dispersed to their rooms. Eric ran to his and Amy's room and Vivienne headed for the cafeteria. Amy remained frozen in the hallway staring out the glass windows.

"Amy?" I asked, taking a step forward so I could see her face. She was terror-stricken, clinging to Abby and unblinking as she watched the monsters outside. Swallowing hard, she finally looked at me with wide eyes.

"I'm scared, Elle," she whispered.

I should have reassured her it would be okay, but I couldn't.

I was scared too.

* * *

Three hours went by and we didn't hear anything from Negan or the Saviors.

Every few minutes I would try to get a hold of someone, pressing the little black button on the radio and repeating the same message. When Negan had given me the walkie, he had said someone would always be listening. That didn't appear to be the case.

As evening came and the walkers surrounded the whole building, the Doveporters gathered into the cafeteria. Every weapon we had was ready in case the walkers got inside. The others had packed their bags while I tried to contact Negan.

Another group of the dead gathered by the back doors where the glass panels were less thick. Ryan was keeping an eye on it, but said it didn't look good. They pressed up against the windows, and soon little hairline fractures began to form.

It would only be a matter of time before they got inside the school.

Pressing the talk button on the radio, I brought it to my lips for the umpteenth time.

"Please… is anyone there?" I pleaded. "Doveport has been overrun." I could hear the hopelessness in my voice and I hung my head down feeling defeated when it hissed to life.

"Hello?" a familiar voice came through sounding confused.

"Simon?!" I sat up and practically shouted his name.

"Elle?" he asked. The static was loud and he sounded far away.

"Yes! Simon, please! We need help! There was a horde and the gate is busted. We're all inside the school, but we're trapped!" I felt tears of relief from finally hearing a voice through the little black box in my hand. A few seconds of silence followed, and then Simon spoke again.

"How many?"

"Too many to count. There has to be hundreds of them."

I waited for his response, but the radio remained quiet for a few minutes. We all sat and stared at the walkie-talkie.

"Elle, you still there?" Simon asked after a while.

"Yeah," I said. He sounded even further away—like the connection would break any second.

"You need to hold out for an hour. We're on our way."

It was more than we had a few minutes ago.

Nodding my head and closing my eyes I pressed the talk button.

"Thank you. Please hurry," I begged.

We didn't get another response from him.

Looking up at the grim expressions on my friends' faces, I tried to look as reassuring as possible.

"They're on their way. We're gonna get through this," I promised them, making sure to look at every single one.

I would make sure of it.

No one would die today.

* * *

An hour later, a car horn honked and everyone raced into the hallway near the entrance of the school. Gunfire rang out as the Saviors began shooting the walkers, and everyone gathered near the front doors to try and see outside.

Amy was standing at the very front, clutching Abby to her chest as she watched Negan's men clear out the creatures. She had a diaper bag slung over her shoulder and a backpack on. Eric and Vivienne were standing with her and trying to look over the walker heads, each with their own bags.

The radio buzzed to life and I grabbed it.

"Elle?" Negan asked.

"I'm here," I answered quickly.

"We're gonna clear a path to the entrance. Once it's safe, send out eight people for the first truck. We'll bring in the second for the rest. Got it?"

"Yes. I understand. We're all ready to go." We would have to be fast, but it was doable.

The gunfire continued as more walkers met their fate. As the ones near the entrance began falling. Soon we could finally see the yard again. The horde was still there, and Negan's men were doing their best to contain it. A pickup truck was parked near the front doors and a group of Saviors were shooting any walkers that tried to approach it. Once a path was cleared, the walkie talkie buzzed.

"Okay, send out the first eight!" Negan instructed.

Just as I unlocked the front door, a startled look came over Amy and she gasped.

"The binky!" she exclaimed.

"There's no time!" Eric yelled, staring at his wife.

"It'll just take me a second. Here." Amy handed Abby to Eric and gave him the diaper bag. "Go to the truck. I'll go to the second one with Elle."

Before Eric could argue, Amy sprinted down the hallway back towards their bedroom. I opened the front door and Eric hesitated, watching the hall for his wife. He looked fretful.

"I've got her," I assured him. "Get Abby to safety."

Carrying his child, Eric was the first out the door. The other Doveporters began filing out, and once eight people left, I closed the door and waited for the second truck to pull in. The first one sped off and the walkers began gathering towards us again. Negan's men began shooting at them and I glanced over at Vivienne. She had a duffel bag slung over her shoulder and was watching down the hallway.

"Where's Ryan?" Vivienne asked, peering down the hall. "He wasn't with the first group!"

Before I could answer her, the sound of glass shattering sounded out from down the hall. Turning to look, I realized it was coming from the the back doors.

The walkers were inside and Amy and Ryan weren't back yet.

I took off running towards the back doors while pulling out my pistol.

"Elle!" Vivienne shrieked as I sprinted away from her.

"Get to the truck!" I called out before rounding the hallway. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, and when I came around the second corner my heart stopped.

The glass panels surrounding the door had shattered and a group of walkers were hunched over something. As one sat up to look at me, blood ran down from its mouth. Bile rose in my throat as I realized what they were eating.

 _Ryan._

One had bitten into his face, tearing the skin and part of his bottom lip off. Another had torn his throat open, rendering him silent. The rest were ripping into his stomach, pulling out his intestines and covering the floor in blood. He was staring at me with wide, horrified eyes. A few more of the walkers looked up to see me as more continued to enter through the broken window.

With only seconds to spare, I aimed my Ruger as best as I could. Firing a single bullet, it made its mark into Ryan's head and his body fell limp. Tears welled up in my eyes as the walkers continued to eat him.

Spinning around and racing back towards the front of the school, I saw the others were already outside and heading for the last truck. Vivienne was still inside, waiting for me.

"Amy!" she screamed frantically and pointed back towards the bedrooms.

"Go!" I yelled, heading for Amy and Eric's room. As I entered, I saw Amy was crawling on the floor looking under the bed and dresser.

"Amy, we need to go NOW!" I shouted, going over and grabbing her arm to pull her up.

"I can't find that damn binky! Abby can't sleep without it!" Amy got up and glanced around the room, desperately trying to locate the pacifier.

"Amy, please! They're inside the school!" I pulled her towards the door as she continued to search the room.

Grabbing her face, I forced her to look at me.

"Ryan's dead."

She stared back at me frightened and then nodded. Finally giving up, she allowed me to lead her into the hallway. As we stepped out, a loud growling sound made us freeze. Turning around, we both watched as an entire group of the dead staggered towards us.

Wrapping my hand around hers, I began sprinting down the hallway. Amy and I ran as fast as we could, moving around the last corner before the exit.

Then she stumbled.

The backpack slipped from her shoulders and fell onto the ground. Amy stopped running and let go of my hand to grab it. I skidded to a halt and reached out towards her just as a walker came around the corner followed by the rest of the horde.

"Amy!" I shrieked, as one of the creatures shoved her down and fell on top of her. Acting fast, I sprinted at it and pushed it off with all my strength. It stumbled and fell facing away from me just as another walker advanced towards us. Firing my gun at its head, I spun to grab Amy's shoulder and pulled her onto her feet without looking at her. My attention was focused on the figure standing at the end of the hallway.

Negan was gesturing for us to hurry and holding the front door open. I could see the truck waiting for us and heard the gunfire still going off outside. As we ran down the hallway and out the front doors past him, I saw a grim expression appear on his face.

The bed of the pickup truck was hanging open and Vivienne and the other Doveporters were gathered inside. Amy crawled in first, and I followed. Negan was the last one in and pulled the bed door shut just as the truck began speeding out of the yard.

As we drove through the gate and headed down the road, I watched as the school became smaller. Closing my eyes, I tried to catch my breath. Ryan was dead, but everyone else had made it out okay.

"Elle…" Negan's voice made my blood turn cold and I glanced up at him. That same, grim look was still there, but he wasn't looking at me.

He was looking at Amy.

My head slowly turned to take in my friend that was sitting completely still next to me.

She was pale white and staring off into space, but my eyes immediately went to an oval shape of teeth marks on her neck.

 _She'd been bitten._


	44. Chapter 44: Borrowed Time

_The day it happened, I'd been working my usual shift at the grocery store.  
_

 _My boss got a phone call from his wife and she said he needed to come home immediately. I didn't hear what happened, but she needed to go to the hospital. He asked me to stay and watch the store, offering me some extra pay._

 _He never came back._

 _The TV in his office gave confusing information. Reports of people trying to bite one another—an infection spreading across not just the United States, but the entire world. Borders were shut down, people panicked, mass chaos erupted everywhere._

 _I relied on the news for everything. They said the only way to stop the creatures was to destroy their brains. It was the last bit of information I got before the channel stopped airing._

 _Not soon after, the power went out._

 _I'd kept the store locked up, waiting for my boss to return. It was three days in when I finally realized no one was coming back for me. It was five days in when people broke into the store. They shot at one of the windows, shattering the glass to get inside._

 _I hid in the backroom, terrified for my life while armed men began carrying out food and water. They took almost everything and then left, not bothering to check the supplies we had in the back. I didn't know what to do, so I stayed where I was._

 _That same day I saw one of the creatures enter into the store. Its skin looked grey, and it stumbled along the aisles, bumping into shelves and snarling as it went along. Clutching a chef's knife, I remained as quiet as possible, cowering in the break room._

 _Then more of them came into the store._

 _I realized I couldn't let that window stay open and had to do something._

 _It was kill or be killed now._

 _Though my nerves were shot, I killed the eight walkers that were inside the store. Gathering some shelves, I shoved them up against the broken window and the other windows to shield myself from the outside world. Then I took the shopping carts and placed them in a row next to the shelves to alert me if anyone ever tried to come in, whether monster or human._

 _My alarm system worked well, giving me a loud heads up anytime the dead tried to get inside the store. They were never able to move the shelves, so there was only an occasional rattle. They never lurked for too long._

 _I learned to keep quiet—to ration—to survive._

 _Then one night the carts all rattled loud and the shelves scraped against the floor. I'd been in the break room sleeping when I heard it. Grabbing my chef's knife, I crept out into the store._

 _I immediately noticed a light shining from in between one of the aisles and heard hushed whispering. Moving to try and get a better look, I glanced around a corner to see a man and a woman were frantically searching for food. The woman got down and looked underneath one of the shelves. As she stood back up, she saw me watching her from the end of the aisle._

 _We just stared at one another—her with a pink bag and me with my knife. The man was still searching when he stopped to look at the woman, and then his eyes followed over to me. Shining the flashlight onto my face, I squinted and held up my hand to block the bright light._

 _"Hi," I said simply._

 _"We're armed," the redhead stated. She sounded stern, but I could tell she was nervous. She elbowed the man standing with her and he took out a gun and pointed it at me._

 _"You're doing better than me," I said, offering a crooked smile. I held my knife up and then set it on the floor. Holding up my hands in surrender, I took a step into the aisle to show them I meant no harm._

 _"You alone?" the man asked, shining the light away from my face and behind me as if expecting to see others. They both looked utterly terrified._

 _"Yes. My boss asked me to stay and everyone left weeks ago. I was supposed to watch the store, but a group of men took almost everything."_

 _"Almost?" the redhead inquired, taking a step forward. "Do you have food?"_

 _"Not a lot, but yeah. It's in the back. I've been living in the break room because I didn't know where else to go."_

 _The two continued to study me and we stood there in silence a few moments. The man was still pointing the gun at me—his hand was shaking slightly._

 _"What's your name?" the woman asked._

 _"Elle," I answered, maintaining eye contact._

 _The redhead chewed her lip and then nodded._

 _"Okay…"_

 _As she said it, the man lowered the gun and I let out a sigh of relief. The woman walked slowly across the aisle towards me and then put out her hand._

 _"Hi, Elle. I'm Amy and that's Eric. You wouldn't happen to have any poptarts in that back room of yours, would ya?"_

* * *

The pickup truck sped down the road and the wind whipped through my hair. I couldn't move. Negan didn't bother making us wear the black bags. It didn't matter anymore.

Amy had been bitten.

I tried to wrap my head around it, but I just stared at her in shock. She seemed almost calm, if it wasn't for that helpless look in her eye. I couldn't imagine what was going through her mind. I couldn't even process my own thoughts.

We reached the Sanctuary fast. As the trucks pulled through the gate and finally stopped, I stared at Negan distraught.

"Someone make sure Carson is ready right fucking now!" he bellowed, jumping from the truck and then helping me down. Amy was frozen like a statue and just staring off into space.

"Momma Bear?" Negan asked, offering his hand to her. When Amy didn't move, Negan took her hand and began pulling her from the truck.

We'd passed the other truck with Eric, Abby and the others when we went speeding down the road. As it came into the yard, Eric got out and headed over to us while Vivienne was holding Abby. His eyes went to the bite mark on Amy's neck.

"No…" he whispered, as tears filled his eyes and he dropped to his knees. Amy didn't even look at him.

"We need to see Carson," Negan said, going towards the front doors. Amy took a deep breath and then began walking with him.

We all went into the factory and then into Carson's office. Amy got up into one of the beds as Eric stood with her. Vivienne waited out in the hall with Abby, while Negan and I watched as Carson examined the bite mark on Amy's neck.

My heart sank when he looked up at Negan grimly. Negan's eyes closed and he nodded slowly.

"NO, PLEASE!" I broke down and grabbed Negan's arms. "You have to do something! You have to help her!"

Negan just stared down at me as I begged him to save Amy's life. I knew what that bite meant, but I didn't want to accept it. There had to be something we could do.

Negan's jaw was firm and he met my desperate gaze.

"I can't," Negan whispered; his eyes were filled with sorrow.

He looked over my head to Amy. As I faced her, I saw Eric was laying his head onto her lap and crying softly while squeezing her hand. Amy was staring out the industrial windows with a stoic face.

"Someone bring me my baby," she said in a detached voice.

Eric sat up from her and got to his feet. Going out of the room, I looked back at Negan.

"Please," I begged him. My body was shaking as I clung onto his jacket. He was ignoring my pleas and staring at Amy with a somber look.

"I'm sorry, Momma Bear," Negan said sincerely.

Amy just nodded and continued to stare out the window. My body shuddered as the sobs racked my body. Negan's hand enclosed around mine and he began to lead me out of the room just as Eric returned carrying Abby. I watched him help Amy take her daughter into her arms; a big smile formed on Amy's face and a tear rolled down her cheek as she beamed at Abby.

Once we were in the hallway and the door was closed, I let out a loud wail. My legs buckled beneath me, but Negan caught me and held me up, wrapping his arms around me in a tight embrace. I sobbed into his jacket, shaking uncontrollably.

 _It's not real._

 _This can't be real._

I wanted to wake up from this fucking nightmare. I wanted it to be another stupid hallucination.

We were supposed to be safe inside the school.

The wall was supposed to protect us.

We were supposed to be _okay_.

I don't know how long we stood there. I cried until I could barely breathe and my body trembled. I heard someone approach and place a hand on my shoulder. Looking back, I saw Vivienne had joined us. She had tear stained cheeks and red eyes.

"How long does she have?" Vivienne asked Negan.

"I don't know," he answered, still holding me.

Vivienne let out a staggered breath and then squeezed my shoulder.

"Ryan didn't make it?" she asked in a quiet voice.

I closed my eyes and shook my head no as I buried my face into Negan's chest and cried. I'd been so focused on Amy that I'd temporarily forgotten I'd shot Ryan. It had been a mercy kill, but the image in my head of his bloodied body had me breaking down again.

"I'm gonna go in and see Amy," Vivienne whispered, letting go of my shoulder. When the door opened, Amy's voice came out into the hallway.

"Negan?"

He let me go and we went back into the room.

Amy's condition hadn't changed much in the few minutes we'd been gone. Abby was curled up in her lap sleeping peacefully. Once we were in, Amy looked up at Negan. Swallowing hard, a serious expression formed on her face.

"I don't want to become one of those things." She was determined as she spoke."Don't let me turn."

With a simple nod, Negan turned to look at Carson. The doctor seemed nervous as he met Negan's hard gaze, and then he approached Amy's bedside.

"We don't have medication for peaceful euthanasia. We could try an overdose, but it will result in you coming back." He spoke quietly and Amy stared up at him, taking in every word he said. She furrowed her brow and looked to Negan.

"We have a silencer," Negan explained in a low voice. My eyes widened at what he was implying. Before I could protest it, Negan continued. "It's the best way to make sure you don't come back. It'll be quick, and Carson can sedate you with the good shit. You won't feel a fuckin' thing, and you won't come back."

"There has to be another way!" I exclaimed, staring at them bewildered. No one said anything as Amy stared off into space.

Then she looked at Negan.

"Okay."

Eric began to bawl again and buried his face into her lap. Amy rubbed his head in comfort with one hand and she stared down at her daughter in her other arm.

"How much time do I have left?" she asked.

"The longer we wait, the worse the fever will get," Carson explained.

Amy nodded in understanding.

"Can I have an hour with my family?"

"Of course," Negan said.

Everyone gave Amy and Eric space, leaving them alone with their child. It was the last hour they would have together.

I slid down to the floor of the hallway and buried my face into my knees and wept. As I rocked back and forth and sobbed, Negan sat next to me. His eyes were dry, but he had a dour appearance as he stared at the wall ahead of us. Neither of us spoke as I sobbed until my head hurt. The others leaned against the wall. No one said anything as we waited for the hour to be up.

After some time, a Savior brought something to Negan. I watched the exchange as a pistol with a silver silencer attached was handed to him.

Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I silently begged for an unseen force to change the outcome—for something, _anything_ to save Amy.

I couldn't lose her.

* * *

 _"I read once that redheads are going extinct," I said, carrying over some books to throw into the metal garbage can. We had a little fire going; it was all that was keeping us warm in the chilly night. We were holed up in the basement of an abandoned house. It had been months since I'd met Amy and Eric, and we'd quickly joined forces in our attempt at survival._

 _Unfortunately, we weren't able to defend ourselves well enough, and a group of survivors robbed us at gunpoint. They took all of our supplies we'd managed to gather and left us with nothing. We'd found a car, but couldn't find any food._

 _"I think we're all on borrowed time now, regardless of hair color," Amy muttered leaning back. "We're gonna starve if we don't find something soon."_

 _My stomach let out a loud growl and I moved to sit closer to Amy and to be closer to the warm flames. Eric was out, trying to find something for us to eat, but I knew he would come up empty._

 _I let out a sigh and reached into my bag, producing a folded map I'd found while we were scavenging._

 _"There's a school building nearby, but it's kind of out of the way. The cafeteria might still have some food stored. It's worth a shot."_

 _Just as I finished speaking, Eric came down the basement stairs. He frowned and shook his head, telling us he'd come up empty. We didn't have much gas left for the car, and I knew this would be our last shot._

 _If that school was empty, we were done for._

 _"Tomorrow," Amy agreed, putting her hands out towards the fire to warm them._

 _"We'll try this school of yours, Elle."_

* * *

Working at the grocery store, an hour had felt like an eternity.

Amy's final hour went by in the blink of an eye.

When time was up, Eric came out into the hall and looked down at me with puffy eyes.

"She wants to talk to you," he said, offering his hand to help me to my feet. As I stood, I tried to compose myself before going back into the infirmary.

In the hour since I'd seen her, Amy had gotten much worse. Her breathing was slow and her hair was sweat stained. She was still cradling Abby in her arms and she didn't even look up to see me enter.

"I hate to ask this of you-" she said in a meek voice.

"No," I cut her off and stepped across the room towards her. "Whatever you need me to do, I'll do it." My voice cracked as I fought the urge to break down again.

"First, I need you to tell Eric it's not his fault when I'm gone. He blames himself because of the car alarm. Please don't blame him."

"I won't. I don't…" Eric had tried to stop the sound, not cause it. I'd never fault him for it. Ryan had him had been friends. He lost him and now he was losing his wife.

Amy seemed pleased to hear that and then continued.

"Eric's a good man. He's an amazing husband and one hell of a father, but he's not always capable of doing what needs to be done. Not like you…" She trailed off and then took a deep breath. "I need you to promise me you'll protect Abby from the monsters. That you won't let anyone ever hurt her."

"I will. I'll protect her," I said in a broken voice.

"And I don't want her to be violent," Amy said, brushing what little hair Abby had with her fingers. "I want her to be able to survive. She should know how to defend herself, but I don't want her to hurt other people…"

She winced as if in pain and let out a long breath and then gave me a steely look.

"I don't want her to see people getting their faces burned or their heads bashed in. I need you to protect her from that. I need her to grow up _good_."

I nodded again and again as I began to cry again.

"She will. I promise, Amy."

Her eyes met mine with that same hardened gaze.

"And don't you dare marry that man. Not until he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes how special you are. I swear to god, if you say yes and join all those other women, I'll come back to life just to kick Negan's ass and then I'll kick yours."

I burst out laughing through my tears and Amy grinned a bit.

"I mean it, Elle. I want you to fight him on it. Give him hell."

Before I could respond, Abby started to wake up. When her little eyes opened, Amy's smile grew wider.

"Hey, baby girl," Amy said softly. The infant was still trying to blink the sleep away from her eyes. Repositioning her, Amy placed her finger into Abby's tiny hand. I stared down at the bite mark on Amy's neck, unable to look away.

"I thought I'd have more time to get to know her," Amy whispered as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Please tell her I loved her. Tell her she was my entire world. Tell her I'm so proud of her."

"I will," I whimpered.

Amy looked up at me and nodded.

"Thank you, Elle."

Closing her eyes and letting out a long breath, she called out to the people waiting in the hallway, "I'm ready."

The others entered the room and Carson went over to prepare a needle. Silence fell over the room as everyone watched Amy lift Abby up. She was struggling to do so, but she managed to press a kiss to Abby's forehead.

"Goodbye, Abigail. Mommy loves you."

Vivienne stepped over and held her arms out to take Abby away from Amy, who couldn't seem to take her eyes off her child.

"Thank you, Viv," Amy said as the older woman picked Abby up. Vivienne smiled through her tears and placed a hand on Amy's cheek. With that, she exited the room with Abby.

Amy watched as her child left and then closed her eyes. She was trying to be brave, but I could see her tensing up. Negan took out the pistol and stepped forward, but Eric moved into his way.

"I'll do it," he said, meeting Negan's gaze. Negan gave Eric the gun and Carson brought a syringe over to Amy. She held out her arm and then looked to me. My lip quivered as tears rolled down my face, but I returned to stand by her side. She was drenched in sweat and struggling to keep her eyes open, but still had that determined look on her face.

"I'm really glad we met. I couldn't have asked for a better friend during the end of the world."

"Amy…" I whimpered. She gave me a sympathetic look and reached out to take my hand into hers to gently squeeze it.

Her grip was weak.

"You kept us safe and were so strong through everything…" Her voice was soft and she licked her lips and took shallow breaths.

"You're the one who carried a baby to term in the apocalypse," I said, forcing a smile. Amy let out a dry chuckle and nodded.

"Yeah…we sure made one hell of a team."

Amy closed her eyes and waited a few seconds. Squeezing my hand one last time, she turned her head to look at Carson and nodded. With that, he injected the medication into her arm and Amy looked across the room at her husband.

"I love you," she said, smiling weakly at him.

"I love you too," Eric whispered.

Seconds later, Amy relaxed into the bed and her grip on my hand lessened. I stared down at my sleeping friend and continued to weep as I slowly stepped back. I knew there wasn't much time left if we were going to honor her request.

Eric walked up to the end of the bed and raised his arm, pointing the gun at Amy. He was shaking bad—the gun moved back and forth in his hand as he tried to aim.

Walking over to him, I placed my hand on his wrist and lowered the gun. He slowly turned to look at me with a horrified look.

"She asked me to do it. She wanted it to be me, but I can't… I can't do it, Elle."

"You don't have to," I whispered, taking the gun from his hand. His terror disappeared, but the agony remained.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Heading over to Amy's unconscious body, he bent over to place a kiss against her head. Then, Eric hurried out of the room, not wanting to watch what would come next.

* * *

 _"Welcome to Doveport," the man named Philip said with a kind smile. We'd just pulled up to the school. Eric was waking Amy, who had fallen asleep in the backseat of the car. She sat up and let out a long yawn._

 _I was so excited for her to see that our gamble had paid off._

 _As she got out of the car, Amy's eyes grew wide. She stared at the big wall that wrapped around the building and then looked at Philip. Rubbing her eyes, she slowly made her way over to where I was standing with him._

 _Philip offered his hand to shake with Eric and then Amy. He introduced himself and then invited us inside. He mentioned something about how he hoped we all liked vegetables._

 _Eric and Philip entered through the gate, and I went to follow when I realized Amy was hesitating._

 _Turning to face her, I was met with a cheerful grin as she studied the school before us. I had never seen her look so hopeful._

 _Her eyes met mine and her smile grew wider._

 _"I think everything's gonna be okay."_

* * *

I stared at the silencer at the end of the gun. Carson quietly exited the room and Negan approached me carefully.

"Elle," he said softly, reaching out to take the gun away. Looking up at him, I saw he was apprehensive—worry lines encased his forehead.

He didn't want me to do this.

I knew he would do it for me—but I also knew it wasn't what Amy wanted.

Sniffling, I gripped the gun tightly, keeping it from Negan.

Going over to the side of the bed, I pressed the silencer up against Amy's head and closed my eyes.

I pictured that hopeful smile on her beautiful face.

And I pulled the trigger.


	45. Chapter 45: Take Me Home

Everything felt heavy after Amy died.

My heart ached every time I remembered she was gone. Sleep was nearly impossible. Dr. Carson assured us that grieving was necessary, but I didn't feel angry or sad. I just felt numb, like someone had flipped a switch and all my emotions were turned off.

I couldn't look Eric in the eyes. He looked so solemn—so shattered. The other Doveporters all had that same sense of hopelessness. It was just like when we lost Philip, only this time, Amy died from the one thing we'd all managed to avoid. It felt inevitable that we'd all fall victim to the walkers. It was something I had been in denial about, but reality was crashing down on me.

The threat was real.

Amy was dead.

And no stupid fucking wall, or sanctuary was secure enough to keep us safe.

The day after she died, I asked Negan if we could bury Amy and Ryan at Doveport. I knew it would take a lot of firepower to kill all the roaming walkers, but I wanted to lay them both to rest at the school. Negan wasn't too keen on the idea at first, but eventually he agreed to bring us home. I think he was worried about me. He'd insisted I sleep in his room and kept a close eye on me ever since I put a bullet in my best friend's head.

We left the next day in multiple trucks; his men geared up to take down whatever was left of the horde roaming inside the school. They also loaded up two coffins—one for Amy and one for Ryan. I wasn't sure whether there was a nearby funeral home, or if he'd had one of his people make the pretty wooden boxes. I didn't ask.

I waited outside the walls of the school while Negan's men went in with assault rifles to clear out the dead. A few more walkers showed up from the gunfire, but the Saviors easily took care of them. Eric sat with me inside one of the trucks cradling Abby. The baby cried due to the loud noises, and he rocked her back and forth, trying to sooth her. I stared at her little round face, thinking she looked so much like her mother.

A mother she would never get to know.

Within half an hour, the horde was taken care of. Once we got the okay, I went through the busted gate and stared down at the bodies strewn everywhere. Negan ordered his men to make two graves in the same area Philip and Seth were buried. As the Saviors started digging, I went inside the school.

There were dead walkers everywhere; some of them were piled on top of one another. Most were in the hallways, but I could see limbs sticking out from some of the bedrooms. Stepping over their carcasses, I headed for the back door and tried to brace for what was to come.

Then I saw Ryan—or rather, what was left of him.

His eyes were still wide open in a permanent look of horror. I could see the place in his forehead where my bullet had put him out of his misery. Most of his intestines had been ripped out and the walkers had eaten most of his abdomen, arms and legs. Some of his bones were jutting out and he was surrounded in a pool of his own blood.

I gagged and stepped back around the corner and out of sight of Ryan's body. I had planned on transporting him outside to his grave, but I couldn't bring myself to approach what was left of the young man I had grown to know so well.

A few Saviors entered into the school carrying one of the coffins. When I pointed at Ryan's remains, they both bent over to lift him up. I didn't stick around to watch.

Once the coffins were placed in the ground and buried, Negan's men all went to keep watch in case any more walkers showed up. All the Doveporters gathered to stand and stare down at the ground, crying softly and unable to speak.

There was nothing left to be said.

Not wanting to just stand there, I headed back inside the school to begin cleaning out the walker bodies. I knew it would take days just to move them all out, but I wanted to get a head start on it. Stepping down the hall, I glanced into my bedroom to see two dead walkers on my floor.

Then my eyes went to something on my nightstand.

Stepping over one of the bodies, I moved across my room and picked up the small object.

 _Abby's binky._

I slid down against my bed, holding the binky out, just staring at it. Time passed, but I didn't care. I didn't move. I just sat on the floor, studying the little plastic pacifier.

After some time I heard someone coming down the hallway and saw them enter my room through my peripheral vision. I could barely make out Negan's form watching me from the doorway. He didn't say anything as I studied the binky in my hand.

"This is what she died for. Did you know that? She went back to get it and couldn't find it because it was here the whole time." My voice was void of emotion and I squeezed my hand around the binky, waiting for Negan to speak. He'd been unusually quiet since Amy's death.

When he didn't say anything, I closed my eyes and then pulled myself up off the floor. Shoving the binky into my pocket, I stepped over to where he was.

"Thanks for bringing us back here. If you want to visit tomorrow, you can. We're gonna need help moving out all these bodies…" I went to step past him so I could continue cleaning up, but Negan blocked my way.

"Elle…You can't stay here."

I let out a dry laugh. "Yeah, yeah. You want us to move to the Sanctuary, but it's not happening. We can clean up the school. It might take a couple days, but we'll make it work."

"Elle…" Negan said sternly, and I finally met his gaze, frowning.

"You can't make us leave," I asserted, moving to step around him, but he grabbed my arm.

"The others already left. It's just you and me."

I opened my mouth to argue, but then I realized what he was saying.

Once the funeral had finished, Eric, Vivienne and the others went back to the Sanctuary.

None of them wanted to stay at the school.

Shoving past Negan, I entered into the hallway. Grabbing onto a walker's arm, I began dragging it towards the front doors. Negan followed me outside as I brought it into the parking lot and dropped it. I tried to go back into the school, but Negan stepped in my way.

"Stop!" he demanded, gripping my arm again. I pulled out of his grasp forcefully.

"Just leave! GO!" I snarled and stormed towards the school entrance.

"The gate is fucking broken! It's not safe!" he said, following me over. Spinning around on my heels I was seething.

"Yeah, and who broke it?" I challenged, glaring at him. It was a rhetorical question—the gate had been damaged when Negan crashed his truck into it and dented the metal piece that kept it locked.

Glancing over at the open gate, my emotions got the best of me and my temper flared.

"I radioed for hours and hours! I tried to call for you! We were trapped and your men fucking ignored us!"

"They weren't ignoring you!" Negan argued. " The walkie-talkies have a range of-"

"You said someone would always be listening!" I fired back, cutting him off as tears filling my eyes. "That if I needed anything, you'd be here…"

"They're dead, Elle."

I blinked a few times, not understanding what he was saying.

"What?"

Negan brought a hand to his mouth and stared over my head, looking distraught.

"The nearby patrol, the ones you spoke to on the radio from before, they failed to report in yesterday. Simon found what was left of them on the road. Someone blew them to fucking pieces."

My eyes grew wide.

"Who…Why?"

"I don't know, but I fucking intend to find out. Whoever's responsible is going to pay, I can promise you that."

Glancing over at the fresh dirt mounds that were covering my late friends, I took a deep breath and rubbed at my nose. Things were starting to get really complicated for Negan, and he was still taking time to try and do right by me.

"You should get back to the Sanctuary. You have enough to worry about right now," I muttered turning away from him to go into the school.

"You're not staying here!" Negan raised his voice as he walked with me.

"I'm not going with you," I replied grimly, opening the door.

"There's nothing fucking left!" Negan shouted it so loud I froze in place and winced. "Your friends aren't here. The school is gone, Elle. You have to fucking accept that and cut this shit out before you get yourself killed!"

My eyes went back to the graves and I felt tears spill down my face.

It wasn't about living at the school anymore.

And he was wrong—my friends were here.

"I can't leave them," I whispered, looking at Negan. His face contorted in confusion, and then his gaze went to where my friends were buried in the ground. "Please don't make me leave them."

His irritation dissolved and I watched him become sympathetic. I let the door close as I stepped back outside and walked over to the graves.

"If I'd have listened to you…If we had moved to the Sanctuary, none of this would have happened. Amy would still be alive." My voice was barely audible, but Negan walked over to stand with me, so I knew he could hear me.

"Don't start blaming yourself…" he said low.

"But it's all my fault. I insisted we stay at the school because I wanted to do right by Philip. I couldn't save Ryan. I had to shoot him…The walkers were eating him alive and he looked so terrified. Then I lost Amy. I should have sent her out to the truck. I should have gone back for that _stupid fucking binky_."

I broke down into a deep sob as I pictured her face. Falling down onto my knees, I clutched at the dirt and squeezed my fists together.

"I was so fucking naive to think the gate would be enough to protect us. They died because of my mistakes and I'll never forgive myself for it." I shut my eyes as I wept.

I felt Negan's hand gently touch my shoulder, but I didn't move.

"Amy wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. You're still here. Your people need you."

I sniffled and shook my head, staring up at him.

"They're not my people anymore. They're yours."

"It doesn't have to be that way," Negan offered in a soft voice. I could tell he was struggling with this. He was trying to make me feel better, but it was empty promises.

"We both know that's not the case," I mumbled, slowly getting back up on my feet. "It's your Sanctuary. Your rules. There's no more Doveport. It's gone."

Hanging my head down, I took a few deep breaths.

"I'm sorry. I tried. I really did." I didn't know if I was apologizing to Negan, or one of the people buried beneath my feet. Negan reached out and wrapped an arm around me.

"I know," he answered, hugging me to him. I tried to fight the tears, but it was no use.

I wasn't just saying goodbye to Amy, Philip, Seth and Ryan. I was saying goodbye to all of it.

Because I knew right then that I had to leave the school.

* * *

It only took a few minutes to pack up my things from my bedroom. I gathered up my clothes, the knitted blanket and a few of my favorite books. Once I had everything, I stepped through the halls and looked at each door I passed.

The principal's office—where I'd had my meetings with Philip. The first place I'd ever heard mention of Negan and his people. The room where I'd shared my first kiss with Negan, and where I'd shot Derek and listened to him die.

Amy and Eric's bedroom—where Abby had been conceived. When we'd first come to Doveport, we hadn't had a good night's rest in months, and after only a few days of living at the school we realized we were finally safe.

I stared down the hallway that led to the cafeteria—where we'd shared countless meals and many laughs. Vivienne had worked so hard to keep us well fed. We were all alive because we'd worked together to survive, or at least…we tried.

I stepped out of the school where Negan was waiting for me by a large pickup. I didn't stop to look at the graves and continued across the yard, approaching the passenger side of the truck and getting in. Negan didn't say anything as he got into the driver's side and drove out through the gate.

I couldn't help but stare into the side mirror as the school grew smaller and smaller behind us. Once it disappeared from my sight, I blinked away more building tears.

As we headed for the Sanctuary, I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind in the school.

And four pieces of my heart buried in its dirt.

* * *

Within days, every Doveporter was assigned a job at the Sanctuary. They were moved into rooms on the first floor, where the workers resided. Negan allowed me to be present while he assigned them their jobs. I think it was his way of keeping me involved so I felt like I still had a say in what happened with the Doveporters.

But they weren't Doveporters anymore. Sanctuary was our new home.

Because of the attack on Negan's men from unknown assailants, the Sanctuary was on high alert and more guards were posted around the perimeter. Negan assured us we'd be safe, but I couldn't ignore this deep feeling of dread growing in my stomach.

Negan asked Vivienne for help with gardening again. His men had built a new greenhouse within the Sanctuary's yard and he needed help getting it started. Vivienne seemed very eager to get to work, so she agreed to oversee food production and would start right away.

I was sitting in the meeting room with Negan and Eric while holding Abby. She was happy to have her binky back in her mouth, and I watched as she slept peacefully in my arms.

"I've got an offer for you, Papa Bear. If you want it. No fucking pressure," Negan started, leaning back in his chair and eyeing Eric carefully. "I want you to become a Savior."

It didn't surprise me he would ask this of Eric. I remembered the way we'd fought off the walkers when Negan had crashed his truck into the gate. Eric was strong and capable, but Negan wasn't done with his proposition.

"There's an outpost that needs more men. Simon runs it. It's got one hell of a fuckin' armory, among other things…" He trailed off, which caught my attention.

"What other things?" I asked. Negan glanced over at me and he studied my face a few moments. At first I thought he was going to ignore me, but he answered.

"They grow pot there."

I frowned. "Seriously? What the hell do you need marijuana for?"

Negan smirked. "It's medicinal."

I didn't quite believe him on that, but decided to drop it and looked over to where Eric was sitting. He seemed to be contemplating it.

"I need a good man there to help Simon keep everyone in line," Negan explained. "You'd be high ranking—not quite top dog, but way the fuck up there. You'd only take orders from Simon. And me, of course."

"What about Abby?" Eric asked.

"She'll stay here. It's the safest fucking place in the world, and we've got a fuck ton of baby formula. Once Vivienne gets the greenhouse going, we'll even have vegetables to mash. She will have everything she needs, and you can come see her whenever you want."

It didn't take Eric long to give Negan an answer. He began nodding only after seconds of Negan telling him Amy could stay at the fortress of a factory.

"Okay," he agreed.

"Eric, you don't have to go," I said, reminding him he had a choice.

"It's okay, Elle. I want to. Negan did right by Amy. It's the least I can do to repay him for everything he's done."

"You don't owe me-" Negan started to speak, but Eric shook his head.

"I do. You let her die with dignity and you helped me bury her. Wherever you need me, I'll go."

Eric's eyes went to Abby and I realized he would be leaving his daughter with me.

"I'll take care of her. I promise," I said, assuring him. He nodded, smiling a bit at me.

"I know you will, Elle."

* * *

Eric prepared to go that evening after saying goodbye to everyone and spending some time with Abby. I could tell he hated to leave her, but he wanted to work at Simon's outpost. He never said it flat out, but I wondered if the reason he wanted to go was to get his mind off things and have something else to focus on. Eric was perfect for the job, but I knew I'd miss him while he was away.

We hugged for a long time while Vivienne held Abby, and then I took the baby so she could hug him too. The doors to the Sanctuary opened and Negan stepped out with a familiar blonde head following behind him.

"Naomi?" I asked. "You're going to the outpost too?"

"Yeah. I volunteered. The Sanctuary's got a whole slew of new workers since everyone from your school moved in, but Simon needs more bodies at his base." She approached me and I caught sight of Negan going over to the trucks to inspect them and talk to a few Saviors. Naomi smiled wide at Abby and tickled her chin before beaming at me.

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, glancing over at where Eric was speaking with Vivienne. "Can you watch after him?"

"Of course. I'll make sure he stays out of trouble." Naomi seemed confident about going to the outpost, and it made me feel much better. The other Saviors began loading into the trucks, and Naomi headed over to join them. Eric came over to me one last time and placed a kiss on top of Abby's forehead.

"I'll come back here every other weekend and Simon's gonna give me a walkie-talkie once we get there. I'll be on channel 6. Call me every night and let me know how things are going?"

"Yeah, I will," I promised.

Eric smiled. He looked tired. "Thank you, Elle."

He gently rubbed Abby's head and then nodded. "Time to go."

I stood there and watched as the trucks drove off through the fence and my friend disappeared from sight. Abby became restless, and I glanced down at her as she began to whine. I hadn't even noticed Negan had come to stand next to me to watch the trucks leave.

"I have a job for you," he said.

"Okay…" I said, giving him a questioning look.

"I need you to help me with managing points. You know…Make sure they're being distributed fairly and no one's cheating my system. We keep ledgers and shit gets documented daily. You can go over them in the evenings."

"What do you want me to do during the day?" I asked, surprised he was giving me an actual job. I had expected him to ask me to become a wife again, but was glad he seemed to be dropping the topic for now.

"I think you've already got your hands full," Negan said, smiling down at Abby who was staring up at him with big eyes.

I'd almost forgotten I was now Abby's full time guardian. I knew very little about taking care of babies, and couldn't argue with him. It was definitely going to be a full time job.

"We can go over points in my room every night, if you're up for it…" He wasn't telling me. He was asking.

Part of me was glad he wasn't being as commanding as usual, but another part was irritated he was treating me like I was fragile. Maybe giving me this job was his way of getting to spend more time with me. Maybe he really needed help with keeping track of points. Either way, I didn't have anything else to do.

Nodding my head in acceptance, I looked up at him.

"Okay."

* * *

I was so exhausted that night, I passed out the second Abby fell asleep. I had my own room close to Negan's, and Abby's crib was set up at the end of my bed. It had been so long since I had a full night's rest, that when I woke up in the dark and didn't hear the sound of a baby fussing, I closed my eyes again to drift off back to sleep.

Then I sat up and flipped on the tall lamp near my bed. Staring at the crib, my eyes grew wide as I stared through the wooden bars and at the crib's mattress.

She was gone.

I don't know why, but my first instinct was to glance around the room frantically. Perhaps in my sleepy state I assumed she had crawled out, but she could barely support her own head. Jumping out of bed, I threw open my door and rushed to Negan's room. Not bothering to knock, I opened the door and went in.

"Negan, I can't find-" I began to say, and then stopped.

Negan was laying across his love-seat, sleeping.

My panic faded as I stared down at the little bundle on his chest. Abby was sprawled out on top of him, her head turned to the side and pressed against him. Her little pink binky was bobbing in and out of her mouth and she was fast asleep. Negan's leather jacket was draped over her as a makeshift blanket and his arms were wrapped around her to keep her in place.

Relieved she was okay, I let out a sigh and smiled a bit. Abby must have woken up while I was passed out and Negan took her with him so I could continue to rest. I had no idea how long I'd been out, but I still felt a bit drowsy.

Not wanting to disturb them, I headed over to his bed and crawled underneath the covers. Resting my head against Negan's pillow, I felt my body relax as I stared at Negan and Abby across the room.

Soon after, I fell into a dreamless sleep.


	46. Chapter 46: Distance

Eric called on the radio every night after dinner. I could tell he missed his daughter horribly, but said there was lots of work to be done at Simon's outpost. I held the walkie-talkie up to Abby during every conversation so he could hear her coo or cry, and he listened intently, as if he was hanging onto every single sound she made. I reassured him she was well, though the little one was certainly keeping me on my toes.

One night when he called, I put Abby back in her crib and sat down on my bed, clutching the radio in my hand. I hated that I didn't get to see Eric every day. Now that Amy was gone, I found myself opening up to him and looking forward to his daily calls. Negan was busy leading the Sanctuary, and Vivienne had her garden to work on. Although I was in a huge community full of people, I somehow felt very alone.

"You okay?" Eric's voice came through and I pressed the talk button quickly.

"Yeah, sorry…" I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. "I'm probably just tired."

"Well I hope you know I appreciate everything you do for Abby. She's lucky to have you." Eric's voice inflected a bit, hinting there was something else on his mind. I paused a few seconds and then replied.

"How are you holding up?"

Eric sighed into the radio and then let out a dry chuckle.

"I don't know. Sometimes I wish I hadn't come here. There's some… interesting people here."

"What do you mean?"

He didn't answer right away and I pressed on.

"Eric?"

Static came through and then he spoke.

"Some of the men have pictures hanging up of these brutal murders…. like gore and blood. It's disgusting, but I think it's people they've killed. Or I think, it's people Negan's killed."

"Why would they do that?" I asked, ignoring the chill that was running through me. My mind instantly brought me back to the hallway outside of the principal's office where I listened to the sound of Derek's head being crushed.

"I don't know. But Elle… Many of them look exactly like when you bashed Adam's head in. They display them like trophies. I'm not sure we're on the right side here…"

I knew Negan could be cruel with his punishments, but I'd never witnessed first hand how he handled his communities. I remembered the first time we met him and how he'd said he usually beat someone to death to prove how serious he was. He'd showed us mercy, but Eric was looking at photo proof that others weren't so lucky.

"I'm not so sure there is a right side anymore," I said, trying not to picture the bloody sight of Adam at my feet.

How could I possibly judge Negan for bashing in someone's skull when I had done the exact same thing?

After Eric said good night, I took out a stack of notebooks where all the points had been tallied for the day. It was a meticulous job, but I was glad Negan was willing to let me work. As I scanned over the many names listed and the points earned, I double checked math to make sure no one was cheating the system. Not that the system itself was fair to begin with.

Negan's Saviors didn't have to work for points, only the members of the Sanctuary. His Saviors were allowed to take whatever they wanted, and this caused a bit of a problem with keeping track of items. Where one person might have to save up weeks just to earn a desired new piece of clothing, a Savior could just go to the marketplace and take it.

I approached Negan about the issue on the first day of my new job, suggesting that if the Saviors also worked for points and we kept everyone on the same standards, it would be more fair. He brushed me off as he went into a meeting and told me 'nothing is fair anymore'.

A few days after I'd started counting points, the whole Sanctuary was buzzing with talk that the people who'd stolen medical supplies had returned to beg for Negan's forgiveness. They said one of them didn't make it, but the married couple didn't want to chance surviving out on their own. I had thought it was just rumors, but then Negan called a meeting for the entire Sanctuary and announced there would be a public punishment that evening before dinner. Attendance was mandatory.

During lunch, I saw Vivienne sitting at a table eating some rice and vegetables. I had to give it to the cook—they knew how to make good grub. The Sanctuary members were kept well fed, and because of Vivienne's hard work, they'd been able to incorporate more produce in their meals.

Setting my plate down on the spot in front of her, I smiled.

"Hey stranger," I said. She glanced up from her fork and looked confused.

"Hey, Elle. Where's Abby?"

"She's with Frankie and Tanya," I quickly explained. Negan's wives had offered to watch her any time I needed a break, and although any interaction with them made me uncomfortable, I was grateful to have a few minutes to myself. "Mind if I join you?"

Vivienne gestured for me to sit, and as I did, she took a bite of rice.

"How are things with the greenhouse?" I asked. It felt like forever since I had gotten a chance to speak with her. She was always working her ass off.

"Very good. We've got plenty of seeds, and soil is good. We gotta make sure we keep things watered. I certainly have lots of room. We're not just using the greenhouse. Negan's got me planting things everywhere."

Vivienne seemed very proud of her work and I grinned as she talked. I was happy to see that, much like her garden, she was flourishing here.

"That's great, Viv. I know he appreciates it."

"Would help if some Saviors would stop plucking food from the vine before it's ripe. The tomato plant I grew last time we were here has been completely raided. Thankfully one of those brutes didn't eat the seeds and was wise enough to keep them."

"I talked to him about that, but I don't think Negan's willing to make changes," I said, taking a bite of my rice. Vivienne shook her head.

"No, it's fine. The Saviors work hard to keep us safe. It's just a plant…" She avoided my gaze and I reached out to touch her hand.

"Vivienne, what's wrong?"

A nervous smile painted her face and she fidgeted with her hands.

"Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just trying to mentally prepare for tonight. That's all."

I didn't understand at first, but then I remembered Negan was going to punish the thieves.

"You don't have to go, Viv," I said in a low voice.

"Of course I do." She looked shocked that I would suggest such a thing.

"Well I'm not going."

"You have to!" Her voice raised and she stared at me appalled. "He has to punish those who screw over the rest of the community!"

I stared at her wide eyed. Seeing her get so defensive over Negan was off-putting and I frowned as she watched me sternly.

"Why are you suddenly drinking the kool-aid?"

"It's how it has to be, Elle. I know it's not great, but without order these people would just take whatever they want all the time. It would be mass chaos. There has to be punishments when people do something wrong." She swallowed hard and lowered her voice. "We don't have to like it. That doesn't matter. But we have to respect the system."

I could have argued about it more with her, but I could already tell her mind was made up. Perhaps it had been the trauma of losing Amy and Ryan, or maybe she truly believed what she was saying. Either way, she was more than willing to play by Negan's rules.I wasn't as agreeable to his violent nature, and refused to accept it.

We ate the rest of our lunch in silence. Afterwards, I left Vivienne in a hurry, storming off to head for Negan's bedroom. I pounded on the door a few times, and when no one answered, I decided I would check the main floor. As I entered the stairwell, I was met with the sight of a woman who was puffing on a cigarette and leaning up against the wall.

She was pretty, with medium-long, soft brown hair and she had a thin build. My eyes went from her face to the tight fighting black dress covering her form. I stood there gawking at her as she took me in and then moved out of my way so I could head down the stairs.

But I was frozen in place, unable to look away from her.

I glanced down at the heels I knew would be strapped to her feet. She glanced away, as if she was hoping I would just go on and stop blatantly staring at her. I felt like throwing up, but I pushed past the sick feeling and walked down the steps, doing my best to ignore the woman that was still smoking against the wall.

 _Negan had taken another wife._

When I came to the main floor, I could hear a deep voice talking to someone, demanding they hurry up. As I crossed the room, I noted there were four armed Saviors standing guard nearby him and a few more up on the catwalks. They peered at me over the yellow bars as I made my way to Negan.

At the center of the room, in front of a fire pit, there was a man sitting in a chair with his hands tied behind his back. He had stringy blonde hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and light-colored facial hair covering his upper lip and chin. He had a look of utter defeat; his head was hanging down and he appeared totally hopeless. Negan was staring over the shoulder of the Savior working the fire pit.

"Having trouble igniting the flame, Fat Joey? Bet you can't get it up either." He teased the man.

"Negan?" I called out, hearing the irritation in my voice. He turned and looked back at where I was, completely unaffected by my tone.

"Hello, Elle." He greeted me nonchalantly, as if there wasn't a man tied to a chair only a few feet from us.

"This is wrong," I stated, loud enough so I knew everyone in the room could hear me.

"You know full well this is how we do things. Besides, this fucker's lucky to be alive." He gestured to the man in the chair who wasn't even acknowledging us. As much as I pitied the man awaiting his punishment, it wasn't why I had started this confrontation.

Taking a step closer to Negan, I lowered my voice.

"You took on another wife?"

Negan's cocky visage didn't crack and he shrugged. "It doesn't involve you."

"Like hell it doesn't!" I exclaimed. My raised voice seemed to take the stringy haired man off guard and his head shot up. Glancing down at him, I noticed he was watching me, looking distraught.

Then I realized it wasn't my loud outburst that had affected him.

"There was a woman in the stairwell… She was smoking. Is she your wife?" As I spoke, he glanced away, trying hard not to meet my eyes. I took a step towards him, hoping to get him to look at me, but Negan stepped in my way, blocking my sight of the tied up man.

"This doesn't fucking concern you, Elle."

I attempted to look past him, but the man was squeezing his eyes shut and had his head tilted down. I hadn't thought he could look more miserable, but after learning about his wife's fate, he became even more dispirited.

Looking back up at Negan, I scowled at him.

"You're so full of shit, you know that?" I snarled. "You said you married those women to protect them. This is just heartless."

"Sherry offered!" Negan said, unaffected by my words. "And we haven't made anything official. She's just trying on the dress. Making sure it hugs all the right places." Negan's eyes went over to the man in the chair and he waggled his brows mockingly. "She begged me not to kill Dwight here, but I think she just wanted to know what it's like to be with a real man. Well now she knows."

As he spoke, I knew he was trying to upset Dwight, but in his efforts, it was as if he'd forgotten I was standing with them. My eyes widened as I absorbed what he was saying.

 _He'd slept with this woman._

So many emotions ran through me in the next few seconds. He had already told me he was still sleeping with his other wives, but learning he'd taken on a sixth was like a punch to the gut. I stared up at him as he continued to ignore me to continue and taunt Dwight.

And I saw red.

Reaching up, my hand connected with his face as I slapped him.

The sound echoed throughout the room. Within a fraction of a second, his men raised their guns and aimed them at me. I didn't care and glared up at Negan. His head was turned to the side from the force of the slap and he reached up to touch his face. Then his eyes went to me. Where I thought I'd see fire I saw genuine confusion.

He looked past me at a Savior that was pointing his weapon at my head, and only then did he become angry.

"Put those things down!" he shouted. As his men lowered their weapons, I continued to scowl at him through tear filled eyes. I wanted to yell, but I couldn't find my voice. I felt so exposed standing in front of all of his men that I suddenly felt very trapped.

Turning from him, I went to step away when a Savior blocked my path. I froze, meeting the man's gaze. We stared each other down for a few seconds before Negan cleared his throat.

"Let her go," he ordered.

I didn't look back and rushed out of the room. Going outside, I saw a supply truck had just pulled up into the yard and that the gate leading into the yard was open. Sprinting over to the truck, I got into the driver's side and found the keys were still in the ignition and the engine was running. I heard shouting as I put the truck into drive and stepped on the gas. Within seconds, I was speeding away from the Sanctuary.

 _Fuck him._

I squeezed the wheel and glared out the windshield. Of course he would take on another wife. Why wouldn't he? It's not like we were in a relationship. Sherry was a beautiful lady—they all were. Negan was like a king in his castle and he got whatever the fuck he wanted. Hell, even Vivienne was totally on board with his games now. She'd probably make an argument for him on why he needed multiple women to fuck.

I'd almost driven for an hour, flying down the road and getting more upset with each minute, when the truck started to slow. I furrowed my brow in confusion as it came to a halt in the middle of the street. Glancing at the gas gauge, I let out a frustrated sigh. It was empty.

"GODDAMMIT!" I yelled, slamming my hand on the steering wheel multiple times. Tears welled up in my eyes as my anger boiled over. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back—I had been so focused on getting away from the Sanctuary that I hadn't stopped to think what I was doing. Now I was stranded out in the middle of nowhere.

Except it wasn't nowhere.

Studying my surroundings, I realized I knew exactly where I was. The familiar signs made me feel a little better that I wasn't miserably lost.

Leaving the keys on the seat of the truck, I hopped out and shut the door. I figured Negan's men would retrieve it sooner rather than later. Checking around to make sure there weren't any nearby walkers, I continued making my way down the street.

It took about an hour of walking, but eventually I came to a road I knew all too well. As I made my way down it, I heard a strange sound. At first it was far away, but the more I walked, the closer it got. Every few moments there was a sharp ringing noise, as if someone was banging on metal. I knew it couldn't be walkers, and was too curious for my own good. Stepping off the road, I chose to walk in the trees and creep forward, seeing the wall that wrapped around the school. I got as close as I dared, and then hid behind a tree to see what I was hearing.

It didn't take long to figure out someone was trying to mend the gate. As the banging noise continued, I waited patiently and wondered if I should approach. Perhaps Negan had sent some of his men to fix the school for me?

When the gate swung open to reveal the person patching the broken metal piece, I stared in surprise. Charlotte wiped at her sweaty brow and tested the gate to make sure it moved properly. I remained hidden, studying her from a distance. She looked exhausted; she was clutching a hammer in her hand, and after opening and closing the gate a few times, she went back to trying to fix the latch.

I noticed there were a few walker bodies laying on the ground near the gate, and wondered if she'd had to kill them due to the noise. I also couldn't help but wonder how she would react to seeing me. I was happy to see she was alive, but knew she hated me for what happened to Derek.

I watched her work on the gate for a long time, debating if I should reveal myself or not. I wanted so desperately to talk to someone and wished we could go back to the day we'd met in her treehouse. It had felt good to open up to someone—to talk to a person with an outsider's perspective. But Charlotte wasn't that person anymore, and she'd never want to talk to me. Not after what I did.

Eventually, the gate was pulled closed and Charlotte seemed content with her work. Locking the metal into place, she gathered her tools and returned to the school building. I placed my hand on the bark of the tree I was leaning against and started to cry as I looked at the gate.

Doveport wasn't mine anymore.

It only felt fair Charlotte should inherit it. She deserved to have a safe place to call home. It would never be enough for taking her brother away from her, but it was a start.

As I tried to collect myself, I realized Negan was wrong. His way wasn't the only way to survive in this new world. There were still good people making a living—still better ways to handle things without burning faces and bashing in heads.

Charlotte was proof of that.

Doveport was still proof of that.

As the sun set, I eventually left my place hidden in the trees and headed back down the road. I didn't have any food or water, and my sore stomach and dry mouth were already a sign this trip home would be hell. It would take me all night to walk back, and that was if I didn't run into any problems.

Sure enough, walkers began to catch sight of me and followed me down the road. I walked briskly, keeping ahead of the threat. There were only about five of them, but I didn't want to waste my energy killing them off. As long as I moved fast, I could keep good distance from them.

 _If only I could have stolen a truck with a full tank of gas._

Two hours later, I'd made little progress. The sky was a deep pink and orange, and I was panting in the Virginia heat. The group of walkers had tripled and was fast becoming a serious threat. I couldn't stop, although my feet were already sore and tired. I mentally kicked myself for putting myself in such a stupid position.

The sun had barely disappeared on the horizon when a supply truck came speeding down the road. I watched as it flew past me and did a U-turn, only to pull up next to me and stop. I looked through the window to see Negan peering out at me. As we stared at one another, I glanced over at the hoard of walkers that were quickly closing the distance. I really didn't want to have to suffer the awkward ride, but it beat becoming a snack for the dead.

Getting into the truck, I pulled the door shut and Negan hit the gas. We sped away from the group of walkers and I watched them disappear in the rearview mirror.

"Here." Negan held out a water bottle to me and I took it from him. Not caring how it looked, I chugged the water gratefully, finishing half of it within seconds. Negan watched me out of the corner of his eye, but I ignored him and turned to look out the window. We spent the remainder of the car ride in silence, though I could tell he was itching to say something. I wished he would have just sent one of his men to fetch me.

We reached the Sanctuary and Negan parked the truck near the entrance to the factory, but didn't get out. I placed my hand on the door handle just as he began to speak.

"I want you to come up to my bedroom…" His voice was stern, as if he wasn't asking. I didn't look at him.

"Why don't you just have Sherry do it?" I muttered, opening the truck door.

Negan got out just as I did, but he slammed the door shut so loud it rocked the entire truck. Rolling my eyes at his childish behavior, I headed into the Sanctuary. I decided I would let him lecture me in the hopes I could go to bed and get off my aching feet.

As we walked down the hallway, I glanced into my room to see Tanya was holding Abby and sitting on my bed.

"Oh, Negan!" she said, standing up. "I just-"

"Not now," he barked, ignoring her big eyes and entering into his bedroom. I gave her an apologetic look and then followed him in. I had stormed off and left Abby behind, and Tanya had become responsible in my absence. I never planned on abandoning her, but knew that if Amy was still alive, she would be furious with me. Not because Tanya wasn't capable, but because I had promised her I would watch over her child.

Taking a deep breath, I closed the door behind me and then faced the beast.

"That little fucking adventure you went on could have gotten you killed!" Negan bellowed the second the latch clicked. "I know you're pissed off about the whole wife situation, but I can't have you disrespecting me in front of my men like that."

"Fine. Anything else?" I gave him a scathing look, hoping to cut this short.

"What the fuck has gotten into you? You've been acting so fucking cold ever since you moved here!"

"I'm sorry I'm not a ray of sunshine. I'll be sure to work on that." I replied, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "It's not like I just watched my friends die or anything. Oh, and I just love looking at this growing collection of women you're accumulating!" I gestured in the direction of the parlor room. "It fucking kills me that you'd take on another wife. You said before that you hated having to drive to Doveport, but now I'm here, and you're still sleeping with them. It was never about the distance. You're just fucking selfish!"

"I was trying to do the right thing!" he shouted. "Sherry's sister, Tina, needed meds. She was fucking diabetic, and couldn't afford insulin. I offered for her to become a wife so she wouldn't have to work anymore, but she didn't like that either, and instead chose secret option C. The three of them robbed us and fled. She died out there, and Dwight and Sherry realized they fucked up. I was going to kill them both, but Sherry is practical. She didn't want me to kill Dwight, so she offered to marry me."

"But you could have said no!"

Negan let out a sigh and shook his head. "What's done is done. It doesn't change the way I feel about you…" He was shifting gears; his tone becoming soft. I looked away and scoffed, disgusted with him.

"Oh, just stop, Negan."

"Fuck, Elle! It's not like we're fucking married!" he argued.

He was right—we weren't committed to each other, but that remark caused me to wonder about something…

"Did you sleep with other people when you were with Lucille?" I asked suddenly. As I said her name, Negan's hardened features cracked and he became confused. Then my words sunk in and a look of guilt spread across his face, giving me my answer.

"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" he muttered, looking away to avoid my gaze.

"Did you cheat on her?" I refused to let him dodge this.

His jaw became stiff and he tensed up. His eyes went to the barbed wire bat that was leaning against his nightside table.

"Negan, did you cheat-"

"Yes."

His confession felt heavy, and we both stood there soaking in such a simple word. I remembered back to our fight—the ugly argument we'd had months prior, before we'd met Derek and right after I'd finished my rehab from the pain pills. I'd asked Negan if Lucille knew she wasn't enough for him in attempt to get under his skin, and it had worked. I'd never thought more about what that insinuated, until now.

Negan sat down on his bed and stared off into space. He appeared distraught, and I thought he wasn't going to talk anymore. Then he swallowed hard and looked down at his hands.

"She fainted one day. It just happened out of fucking nowhere. One minute everything was fine, and the next I'm rushing her to the hospital. Doc said it was cancer. I held her in my arms while she cried. I knew I couldn't fix it… knew that our time together had an expiration date. I tried to focus on being a coach, and I hit the gym every day, but it wasn't enough of a distraction…"

He trailed off and closed his eyes, then took a deep breath before continuing.

"I was already cheating on her before we got the diagnosis. Back then it was an occasional fling, but after she got sick, the affair became weekly. It wasn't that I resented her, or that I stopped loving her. I never stopped loving her…I just wanted to feel something other than this fucking emptiness eating away at me. The guilt was easier to handle. But I realized too late that I was wasting what little time we had left—that all I needed was her. So I ended the affair and committed myself to Lucille."

His voice cracked as he said her name. It shouldn't have come as a surprise that he had been unfaithful in his first marriage, and yet I found myself shocked. The way he spoke about Lucille, I never would have thought him to have cheated on her in a million years. But he had…

"She knew about the other woman, and was mad I ended it. She couldn't understand why I would pick _'the sick one'_ , but she let me stay with her. After all the crap I'd put her through. She started chemo, and we bullshitted like we used to, but it wasn't the same. Then her hair… Her beautiful, dark locks fell out and she had to wear those fucking cancer scarves. She said she felt so ugly, but she was still so fucking beautiful. I brought her to every appointment and anywhere she wanted to go. We used to go to the park and feed the birds, before she got too weak to get out of bed. I stayed by her side up until the very end, when she had tubes shoved down her throat and in her nose…"

My heart felt like it stopped when I realized he was crying. Negan hung his head down to hide his face, and his voice was strained as he fought the tears.

"That's when the world ended. The dead came to life just as she died. I couldn't save her from the cancer, but I can keep others alive now." Negan looked up with watery eyes and a stern expression.

"The rules have kept us safe. Dwight and Sherry stolen medication and had to be punished. Being a wife is Sherry's punishment, even if it was her idea. She knows how shit works around here. People have to be kept in line. There are tons of Sherrys and Dwights just waiting to fuck us all over. When they see the ones who try get reprimanded, it ensures order."

"But _you slept_ with her, Negan," I whispered as I studied his face. I never thought I'd see him cry.

"Because I feel like I'm losing you," he said quietly. "You haven't been the same since Amy died. I know you need time to grieve, but it's like you're still at that fucking school. There's this distance between us, and I can't stand it."

He shook his head and took a deep breath. "Marrying Sherry was a mistake. I fuckin' know that. And I know I've only added to that distance, but if I could fuck up the good thing I had with Lucille, it was only a matter of time before I fucked it up with you. I'm still that same, stupid man cheating on his wife. I've always been an asshole, but now I'm so much worse. I've done things for the Sanctuary… Unspeakable fucking things, Elle…" He put his face into his hands and tried to hide the fact he was weeping.

I wanted so badly to go to him—to comfort him—to forgive him.

But I couldn't.

My feet were frozen in place as I watched this man fall apart before me. I knew he was right—I hadn't been the same since Amy passed. I didn't feel like myself anymore, but he could have talked to me. We could have tried to fix things. Instead, he took on wife number six.

I was sick of sitting back and letting him do whatever he wanted with these women. I felt neglected and taken for granted. I wanted what we had to be more than just sex, but the romance felt like it was dying. I could either put up and shut up. It was time to lay all my cards on the table.

"I can't do this anymore," I said quietly. It came out more monotone than I intended. I stood there like a statue and wanted so badly just to feel something other than this horrible numbness.

"What if I stopped sleeping with them?" he asked through misty eyes.

"That's not the point." I shook my head and looked away. It was difficult to see him with tear-stained cheeks, knowing I was the one causing him to feel guilty. "You don't get to have me and those other women. It doesn't work that way."

Finding the courage to move, I stepped over to the door and fought my own tears that were building. I hated the finality in my voice, but knew if i didn't say my peace—if I didn't give him this ultimatum now, I'd regret it.

"I'm not Lucille—I don't want you to pick them. I want you to pick me."

I hated how selfish I sounded in that moment. I knew he didn't care about his wives the way he cared for me, but I still envied them. They caused a rift in our relationship, and the only way I could move forward was if it was just us. I didn't want to have to wonder if he would be spending the night with me or one of them. I wanted all of him, not just a part.

"Me or them. You have to choose."

Ball in his court, I turned away and opened the door. As I stepped into the hallway, I heard his voice.

"Elle…" he called, sounding desperate. I stopped for only a second, and when he didn't say anything, I let the door fall shut. Turning back, I thought maybe he would chase after me. When he didn't, I pressed my ear against the wood and listened. At first I heard nothing. Then, I heard the muffled sound of his voice.

"I'm sorry."

He had no way of knowing I heard him, but I had. He sounded remorseful, and it killed me. I'd sent him on one hell of a guilt trip, and I wanted so badly to go back into his room and assure him everything would be okay.

I wanted to forgive him.

Lucille had—but I couldn't.

Stepping away from his door, I felt hot tears spill down my cheeks. I hated this. I hated how this choice was hard for him.

But he still needed to make it.

Wiping at my eyes, I did my best to get my bearings and then headed for my bedroom where Tanya and Abby were waiting for me.

 _Please choose me_


	47. Chapter 47: Tune In

I laid awake all night after telling Negan he had a choice to make. Every time I closed my eyes I pictured the sight of him crying, lost in the memory of his late wife. I hated seeing him like that—hating knowing that I was the one to cause him to relive such sorrow.

It should have been obvious he cheated on Lucille, but somehow I didn't see it coming. And my response had been nothing short of cold and uncaring. I wondered how she reacted when she first out. Did she cry? Did she resent him, or did she somehow understand it? His need to share his bed with multiple women wasn't something I could wrap my head around. I didn't desire other men. I just wanted him—and I wanted him to just want me.

Perhaps it was selfish, but I really thought he'd sneak into my room, climb under the sheets, wrap his arms around me, and tell me what I so desperately wanted to hear—that he was choosing me. I also knew that giving him an ultimatum would probably push him away for good. The longer I waited, the more I began to regret it. Part of me wanted to go to him and take it back. Another part insisted I wait for him to make up his mind. I wasn't happy having to share him, but I wasn't happy without him. We'd always found compromises, but him having wives wasn't something I could get used to.

Unable to rest, I watched the door for hours until Abby woke up needing a diaper change. Even after she fell back asleep, I sat with my thoughts until the sun rose and the people of the Sanctuary began to wake.

Negan never came.

I kept to myself that day, nervous about the evening. Every night after dinner, Negan would come to collect the books where all the points from the day were recorded. I dreaded the idea of him acting cold towards me. He had opened up to me, talking about Lucille and admitting his infidelity. I knew when he came to my room, things would be uneasy.

When a knock sounded at my door, I looked up from my bed, where I was working with a little calculator and notebook. My heart skipped a beat and I took a deep breath.

"Come in!" I called, and winced as my voice cracked. I sounded nervous, and I mentally cursed myself for it. The door opened slowly, and a woman with blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail entered.

"You done yet?" she asked, pursing her lips and looking down at where the notebooks were scattered across my comforter. I studied her a few seconds and then blinked. Negan had sent her instead of coming himself.

"Almost," I responded, picking up a pen to quickly fix a math error and turning my attention back to the books, hoping I didn't look as disappointed to see her as I felt. "It's gonna be a few more minutes."

"Actually, Negan wants them now. If you don't mind…" I glanced up to see she appeared to be studying my scars. She looked away just as I caught her staring and cleared her throat. "I'm Laura, by the way."

"Elle," I replied as I closed the record book and began gathering everything up. "I could have brought him these myself…" I did my best to hide my frustration.

"Not necessary," Laura said, peaking into the crib where Abby was sleeping. She smiled a bit as she gazed down at her and then looked up at me. "Cute kid."

"Yeah… she is." I stacked up the notebooks and then held them out to Laura, who took them.

"Thanks, Elle. I'll see you tomorrow."

I just nodded as a lump formed in my throat. With that, Laura left my room and I sat back down on my bed. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt that Negan was sending Laura in his place. I wondered if he was going to avoid me from now on.

Over the next couple days I hardly saw Negan. He kept himself busy dealing with matters of the Sanctuary and his other communities, opting to visit them instead of sending his men. Most nights he didn't return until late. I only saw him in passing, and even caught him staring at me one morning. I was making my way to the showers, but he glanced away and pretended not to notice me.

That weekend, Eric finally got to come home. He spent two full days with Abby and didn't put her down the entire time. He wanted to do everything—change every diaper, feed her every bottle, and tend to her every single need. I could tell he really missed her. He never complained once. I remembered Amy saying he was going to be a good father. She was right.

I took the opportunity to try and catch up on sleep, but it didn't work in my favor. Unable to relax, I tried reading a book, but struggled to focus on the story. Giving up, I spent the majority of my time curled up on my bed staring off into space.

I felt depressed—not just because Negan didn't want anything to do with me anymore, but I didn't have a purpose. Counting points and watching Abby was all I had, and Laura always seemed to take the records long before I had time to finish them. With Eric home, I had no responsibilities. I felt useless.

But when the weekend was up, Eric had to return to Simon's outpost. Abby became my responsibility again, and it wasn't long before I wished Eric hadn't left.

She threw up after every bottle, and was always awake when I was at my tiredest. I couldn't resent her for it. She was just a baby, but I became angry with myself. My negativity was affecting my ability to properly care for her. If only Amy could of heard me. She'd have given anything for even five more minutes with her daughter, and here I was mentally bitching.

It was that kind of guilt that added to my increasing self doubt. I hated feeling so damn alone. The urge to go to Negan grew stronger. Maybe if I just talked to him, he'd forgive me…

Feeling exhausted one evening, I brought Abby to Vivienne and asked if she could watch her. I just wanted to get a full night's rest, but Vivienne wasn't eager to help.

"I have a lot on my hands," Vivienne said, giving me a stern look. "Can't you just put the crib in Negan's room?"

I hated that she would assume that's why I needed a night off. No one appeared to have realized we hadn't talked in over a week.

"I know you're busy, Viv. I just need one night. Please." I was begging her.

"Okay, but make sure to come get her in the morning. I've got weeding to do tomorrow."

Once Vivienne agreed to watch Abby, I went back to my room and crawled into bed. It wasn't that I was sick of taking care of her—I loved Abby. But my lack of sleep was causing me to lose patience and I needed a reset.

I wanted so badly to pass out, but couldn't relax. Tossing and turning for a few hours, I finally got up and wrapped my knitted blanket around my shoulders. I had a huge sense of déjà vu as I crept down the dark hallway. After I'd finished my rehab, I hadn't been able to sleep and visited him. Back then things had been good, if even for a short time.

I decided in the little distance from his room to mine that I would make myself get over the fact he had six wives. Hell—I was so fucking lonely, I was willing to become number seven, if that's what he wanted. I could fix everything if I just took it all back.

Reaching his door, I hesitated. I hated that I wasn't being true to myself, but perhaps that was the price I had to pay. If I was going to be with him I needed to swallow my pride.

Lifting my hand, I balled it into a fist and prepared to knock when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Twisting my head and staring down the hall frightened, I blinked a few times at the nothingness before me.

My heart pounded in my ears.

I would have sworn I saw Amy.

I closed my eyes and held my breath.

 _Please. Not her._

When I looked again, I was relieved to find the ghost had disappeared. It had been a long time since I'd hallucinated, and it was probably due to my newfound insomnia. But of all the people I'd lost, I knew I couldn't handle seeing Amy. She wouldn't understand why I was coming to him now. She would have hated it.

I went to knock again when my mind brought me back to the infirmary in the last moments I'd spent with her.

 _'Don't you dare marry that man. Not until he pulls his head out of his ass and realizes how special you are.'_

I'd promised her I wouldn't give in, but back then I didn't know how hard this was going to be. I was miserable. Whether he was doing this on purpose or not, he was killing me. These long periods of time where he avoided me were causing me to lose my mind. I had no one. Vivienne was too busy to take on my problems, and Eric was miles away. Negan felt like my only option, and yet I was too fucking stubborn to just forgive him.

Yes, he'd slept with Sherry, but we'd been through so much together. He saved me from Caleb. He helped me recover and get over a drug addiction. He protected me from Derek. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't care.

So why couldn't I forgive him?

Lowering my hand, I hung my head and did my best to ignore the red haired ghost that had reappeared and watched me silently from the dark.

I knew I'd hate myself even more if I knocked.

So I didn't.

* * *

 _Knock Knock Knock!_

I didn't bother looking up from the notebook on my lap and picked up the calculator to punch in some numbers. "It's open!" I called out, furrowing my brow at another error. I swore, some of these Sanctuary members couldn't even handle basic math. My door opened, but I scribbled out the mistake to correct it. "I just need two more minutes…" I'd learned to be more assertive with Laura and didn't allow her to take the books until I was finished.

When she didn't say anything, I looked up to find it wasn't Laura standing in my doorway. Instead, Negan was leaning against the frame, silently studying me. We just stared at each other, and then I swallowed hard.

"Need anything?" he asked casually.

Breaking eye contact, I looked away. "No."

"Okay," Negan replied, and then pulled my door shut. I sat confused on my bed and didn't even have time to process the bizarre interaction when he came back into my room.

"Are you hungry?" he asked with furrowed brows. He had an intense, serious expression on his face and I glanced over at the wall clock.

"Dinner isn't for another hour," I pointed out.

"Dinner's whenever the fuck I want it to be," he said. I frowned at his arrogant tone and glanced over at Abby who was sleeping.

"I need to be here in case she wakes up," I mumbled, picking up the calculator to go back to my work. When he didn't say anything, I looked up to see Negan was gone, but he'd left my door open. A few minutes later, he returned carrying a little white object. Setting it on my nightstand near Abby's crib, I realized it was a baby monitor. I was about to ask him why he hadn't given it to me sooner, but he spoke before I could.

"Now you're out of excuses," he said, while gesturing to the books on my lap. "Leave that shit here."

"No. I'm not done." I narrowed my eyes at him and gave him a stern look. I didn't like him coming in here and bossing me around.

We stared each other down for a long time before he pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh. His features softened when he looked at me again.

"Elle, please."

I noted there were bags under his eyes and wondered if he'd had as many sleepless nights as me. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I was also curious on what he had to say. There was something desperate about the way he was looking at me.

Setting the calculator off to the side, I glanced over at Abby as I got up from the bed. She'd only been asleep a few minutes, but could wake up any moment. Getting up from the bed, I inspected the battery controlled baby monitor. Once I was content it was working, I set it back down and then nodded slightly, agreeing to go with him. We both left my room, closing the door behind us.

We walked the short distance to his room in silence. When we reached his door, he held it open and gestured for me to go inside. The second I stepped in I searched the room for the other monitor, needing to know I'd be able to hear Abby. Sitting on his table next to his love-seat was the other baby monitor, along with two BLTs on paper plates and a bottle of red wine. Studying the sandwiches, it was impossible not to think of our trip to the sporting goods store. It felt like another lifetime ago.

"Eat up," he said, inviting me over to the love-seat. He sat first, but watched me closely, almost as if he didn't expect me to join him. Moving slow, I sat down next to him and then picked up one of the sandwiches. I tried to keep a straight face, not wanting him to see the conflicting emotions that were running through me. Part of me had butterflies in my stomach. Another was becoming irritated with him. He couldn't just win me over with bacon.

As I chewed, I did my best to ignore him. He was blatantly staring and was making me uncomfortable.

"I'm fucking terrible at this shit," he started, eyes still on me. "Thanks for agreeing to talk."

I frowned at him and swallowed. I wondered if the reason he had food was so that my mouth was too full to argue.

"You've been avoiding me for weeks," I responded in a quiet voice.

"I'm not fucking avoiding you! I've been really fuckin' busy trying to keep these communities in line…"

"Yeah, okay," I replied dryly. Setting down my sandwich, I stood up from the couch. "Thanks for the BLT, Negan."

"Wait!" He reached out quickly to grab my wrist, causing me to freeze. "I didn't bring you here to fucking argue. I have something I need to say."

Part of me didn't want to hear it, but another kept me from moving. Sitting back down, I gave him a dour look and waited to hear it.

"These last weeks have been hell. I can't fucking stop thinking about you. I know you probably hate me right now, and I have that fucking coming after what I did. But I need you to know… I regret it. I regret hurting you and wish I could take it back, but I can't. I can only try to do better…"

He reached out and rubbed at my arm as he spoke, and I didn't pull away. I watched him as he continued.

"I haven't had to do the romance shit since Lucille, but I'm willing to try. For you. I don't want to lose you, Elle." There was something in his voice—something profound that caused me to look up into his eyes. His expression was earnest. "If you'll still fuckin' have me."

I was so torn—I couldn't deny I'd missed him too, but I was still hurting. I never expected he would apologize and try to fix things. But maybe my problems were bigger than his polygamy.

"I hate this," I whispered as I closed my eyes and tried my best to fight the building tears. I didn't want to cry. I was so sick of crying. "I feel alone…"

"You're not," he said frowning.

"Amy's gone. Eric's at the outpost, and Vivienne is too busy with gardening. I feel like I don't have a purpose. I used to be somebody. No one needs me anymore."

"That's not fucking true," Negan said. "Abby needs you."

I shook my head. "No, I'm not cut out for this. I'm not a parent."

"That's bullshit and you fucking know it." Negan took my hand into his and stared me down with a worried expression. "She is lucky to have you and she's gonna grow up to be a fucking badass. Just like you and her mom…" At the mention of Amy he trailed off and almost sounded regretful for bringing her up before continuing. "You need to stop being so fucking hard on yourself."

I stared off into space. It wasn't like I was doing it on purpose. I wanted to feel confident about my parenting skills, but the lack of sleep and contact left me feeling as if I wasn't good enough.

"Elle, look at me."

When I did, I was met with warm hazel eyes. Tilting my chin up he leaned forward.

"I need you," he whispered, as he nuzzled his nose back and forth against mine. Then his lips met mine in a gentle kiss. At first I didn't respond, and then a few moments later, I returned it. It was short, but sweet. When he sat up, he pulled me into him and I pressed my head against his chest. Negan rubbed my back as he held me.

"I'm here."

We didn't move for a long time and I listened to the sound of his heart, feeling safe in his arms. I'd been so touch starved that the simple act of him holding me was all I needed to just relax. I closed my eyes and focused on our combined breathing. It lulled me like a soft, hypnotic song, and I began to drift.

Negan must have sensed I was falling asleep, because he let me go and helped me to sit up a bit.

"Get in bed. You can spend the night here."

I hesitated. As much as I loved the familiarity and comfort of his embrace, there was still one question burning at the back of my mind.

 _What about his wives?_

I was just about to ask when I heard his door start to slowly open. Looking over, my heart dropped at the sight of Frankie, clad in her tight-fitting black dress and high heels. She was carrying what looked like a basket filled with bottles of lotion and body oil.

"You've been so stressed lately and I just thought…" She started to say and then noticed I was sitting with him. "Oh. Hi, Elle." The redhead looked surprised to see me, but gave me a friendly smile.

Smiling back at her, I pulled away from Negan and quickly got to my feet, suddenly feeling very awake.

"Elle, wait. Where are you going?!" Negan got up from the couch and followed me over to the door. I tried not to look at Frankie as I passed her, and was almost out when Negan grabbed my hand.

"Elle, stop!" he exclaimed, "It's just a fucking massage!"

Spinning on my heel, I glared at him through tear-filled eyes. We both knew that wasn't true.

"Have a good night," I muttered, exiting the room.

As I rushed down the hall, I heard Negan's booming voice echo behind me.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" he bellowed at Frankie just as I reached my room.

Closing my door, I pressed my back against it and slid down.

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

As I pulled my knees up to my chest, I couldn't help but picture the sight of Frankie in her little black dress. Though I tried to fight it, soon tears began to stream down my face.

He wasn't leaving his wives.

He wasn't choosing me.

"Goddammit!" I wailed, burying my face in my hands. I felt like such an idiot, falling for his sweet, stupid words. I really thought he was going to try. But he wasn't. If he hadn't changed or Lucille, why would hechange for me?

I continued to cry, deciding I would let it all out. I cried in frustration. I cried for Amy, for Philip, for Seth, for Ryan, for Derek and Charlotte. I cried for what could have been and what never would be.

I cried knowing it was over between Negan and me.

"I wish he never found that fucking school," I said as I wept.

I was shuddering with sobs when my head shot up as another cry matched my own. Looking over at the crib, Abby was staring at me with watery eyes through the wooden bars.

Getting up from the floor, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and hurried over to her.

"Sorry," I said in a hoarse voice. Picking her up, I rocked her gently, swaying side to side in an attempt to soothe her. "I'm so sorry, Abigail." I stared down at her with a pained expression, feeling foolish for my loud outburst. She cried for a few minutes, but I could tell she was still tired. Her little eyes could barely stay open.

After giving her the beloved pacifier, Abby drifted back to sleep. Setting her back in her crib, I sat down on my bed and watched as her little chest rose up and down. My head felt fuzzy and my nose was raw. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm down.

Then I looked over to the side, my whole body went rigid.

 _The baby monitor._

The device was still sitting on my nightstand with a little green light signifying it was set to 'ON'. I remained frozen, unable to move as I realized Negan would have heard me crying.

Closing my eyes, I tried to ignore the sound of his voice repeating inside my head.

 _"I'm here."_

I shook my head.

 _No. You're not._

Picking up the monitor, I located the power button and switched it off.


	48. Chapter 48: The Good Guys

Eric radioed late one evening while I was feeding Abby, and I hoped to cut our conversation short. I'd had a horrible day, plagued with a headache that left my temple throbbing and my patience thin. I thought maybe Abby was getting a cold. She cried nonstop and kept coughing. Nothing I did seemed to soothe her and we both got very little sleep.

"Is she okay?" Eric asked, sounding very concerned for his daughter after hearing she was getting sick. I yawned and tilted the bottle up so she could finish the bit of formula that was left.

"Dr. Carson said she's fine. I'm gonna lay her down after this bottle and see if she'll take a nap." I was really hoping she would because I felt like I was ready to pass out every time I closed my eyes.

"Poor thing. Is she eating good?" I could hear the worry in his voice, so, and I decided to be more reassuring.

"Yeah. She's just finishing a bottle."

"Okay. Well, I'll be coming to the Sanctuary tomorrow. I'm sure you could use a break." Eric sounded as tired as me, and I wondered how hard Simon was working him.

"I'm fine, Eric." It was a lie, but I didn't want him to worry anymore than he already was. He didn't need to be burdened with my Negan drama. "But Abby sure misses her daddy." I set the bottle down on my nightstand and propped her up against my chest. Abby began to whine as I burped her. Though she was irritable, I really felt like I was starting to get the hang of taking care of her.

After she burped, I swaddled her up in a blanket and laid her against my chest. Laying back against my pillows, I took the radio in one hand and rubbed Abby's back with my other.

"How are you holding up?" Eric asked—he was always asking me that.

"I'm hanging in there" I admitted with a sigh, trying to keep my eyes open.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he offered.

I paused, not knowing how forthright I should be with him. Staring down at the sleepy baby laying across my chest, I pursed my lips and then pressed the talk button.

"I'm just a little lonely, that's all."

Negan and I hadn't spoken since I ran off from him and Frankie. I'd given up hope that he would choose me over his wives, and decided to focus all my time and energy on Abigail. She demanded most of it anyways.

Static came through and then Eric let out a dry chuckle. "You and me both, sister."

"I miss you," I admitted. "And I miss Amy."

"Me too."

I still couldn't believe she was gone. Like a bad dream, I was always half-expecting to wake up and see her beautiful face. I wonder if Eric saw her sometimes the way I did, lingering in the dark, watching over me. Unlike the other ghosts of people from our past, her presence never felt menacing. Unless I was lingering outside of Negan's room, of course.

"And taking care of a baby is no joke," I spoke softer as Abby began to fuss again. "Especially a sick baby."

Eric laughed. "Well just hold out a little longer, and then I'll come save the day."

I smiled. "See you tomorrow, Superman."

"Bye, Elle."

After I said goodnight to Eric, I tried to get Abby to sleep. She continued to cry, and even her binky wasn't enough to calm her down. When she wouldn't sleep in her crib, I picked her up and carried her around my room. Movement seemed to help, so I stuck her pacifier in her mouth and carried her out into the hallway. It was late, and I hoped a little walk would be enough to help lull her.

I shushed her as we walked, and rocked my arms a bit. Abby's eyelids looked heavy, but she continued to look around the room and would whine every time I stopped moving. We went down a few different hallways and then came up to a familiar door. Dr. Carson's office was closed, but I couldn't help but wonder if the room was still locked. It had been so long since I'd had those wonderful little pills to help me feel numb. I'd gone through hell and back because of them, but they'd made the unbearable bearable.

For the first time in months, I missed them.

It would make everything easier—I'd be able to sleep again. I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. Just that lovely nothingness. Sure, I might hallucinate again, but in between it would be like heaven. Eric would be home to watch Abby, and I could just drift for a few days. I wouldn't overdo it like last time. I'd just take enough to cope.

I was fantasizing about the little pills and the peace I knew they'd bring when I glanced down at the baby in my arms. Abby was staring up at me with big, curious eyes. She wasn't whining anymore. Instead, she was studying my face.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, but in that moment, she looked afraid.

"What?" I asked, defensively. I almost wished she was crying again instead of gaping at me. She was just a baby, but I couldn't help but be reminded of Amy. I felt guilty as I realized what I was considering.

Though the pills called to me, I knew they could never be an option. Abby relied on me, and if I allowed myself to go down that road again, I might not come out the other side. Abby had been the key factor in my rehabilitation. Amy had brought me her ultrasound picture and I'd clung to it like a lifeline. Now she was here, and I needed to keep my promise to her mother.

Turning my back to Dr. Carson's office and on any temptation, I smirked down at Abby.

"You really are your mother's daughter."

* * *

Abby and I managed to get a bit of sleep that night. The next day, I asked Tanya if she could watch Abby so I could go to the marketplace. I hoped she wouldn't be too much trouble, but Tanya insisted she had it under control. As I handed the baby to her, she gave me a sympathetic smile. There was something weird about the way she was looking at me, but I didn't dwell on it.

I was still tempted to check and see if the infirmary was locked, but I forced myself to walk past the closed door. Drugs weren't going to make things easier, and I had to be stronger—for Abby.

As I entered the marketplace, I was surprised to see it was less busy than usual. Most vendors didn't have anyone standing in their lines, and those who did had very few customers. I couldn't help but wonder where everyone was. That area of the Sanctuary was usually bustling with noise. That day, it was almost eerily quiet.

Though Negan had insisted I take whatever I wanted like his Saviors, I gave myself points so I could purchase things. I would never convince him to make his men use the points system, but at least I didn't have to feel guilty for robbing people of their hard work. His men might feel entitled, but I didn't.

I walked over to a table where an assortment of handmade soaps were lined up. They were multicolored, with pretty swirls. I picked one up to smell its fragrance and inhaled. The vendor was an older man who smiled a bit at me as I continued to study the soaps. I smiled back.

I had just finished picking out two bars of soap when I glanced up and saw someone cutting in line at the table next to me. I almost didn't recognize him, but when I realized who it was, my heart dropped.

Sherry's husband—or rather, her former husband, Dwight, was standing only a few feet away. The Sanctuary workers all avoided his gaze as he picked up a loaf of bread and took it without paying for it. I could tell the vendor was annoyed, but they didn't say anything as he shoved the loaf into a messenger bag at his hip.

I couldn't look away from him. The entire left side of his face was permanently burned; the skin had bubbled up and was a soft pink color. His blonde hair was down, but it did very little to cover up the massive scar. I hadn't seen Dwight since the day I stormed off. It would have been the same day Negan burned him. Observing Negan's brutality up close was unnerving.

Dwight glanced up and over, meeting my gaze. He looked away, as if to hide his face, and then quickly hurried out of the marketplace. I watched as he left and felt sorry for him. He looked so different from the man I'd seen tied to that chair. I wondered if he'd been kept in the cells or made to work out on the fence. His torture had lasted a month, but now it appeared Negan had made him a Savior—or rather, broke him into one.

After paying with my points for the soap, I was walking back to my room when I saw a group of about twenty people gathered over in a corner room. Right away, I could hear crying—some of it was hysterical. One woman was on her knees, rocking back and forth. I didn't know what was going on, so I approached them cautiously, trying to see over them and what is was they were convening around.

Once I entered the room, I noticed there were candles set up on the floor and a few pictures hanging up on a cork-board attached to the wall. I tried my best to see the photos, but I couldn't get close enough. They looked like pictures of people, from what I could tell.

I stood confused towards the back of the group when I saw someone I knew.

"Danny!" I called to him, and he turned to look at me. It had been a long time since I'd spoken to the young man. Our last conversation had been when he'd apologized to me for turning us into Negan. I'd been so drugged up during his apology, I barely remembered it. Last I'd heard, he was working in the greenhouse with Vivienne. Though we weren't close, it was still nice to see someone I knew in a sea of strangers.

Coming over to where I was standing, he moved slow, as if he was unsure. The woman who was hysterical started to sob even louder, and I glanced over to watch someone rub her back soothingly. She was inconsolable.

"What's going on?" I asked, peeling my eyes off the distraught woman to look at him.

Danny's eyes widened. "You didn't hear?"

I shook my head, feeling confused. He fidgeted uncomfortably, but didn't elaborate.

"Danny, what happened?" I urged, tilting my head.

When he met my gaze, he swallowed hard. There was an eerily grim expression on his face.

"Simon's compound was attacked last night."

I blinked once, then again. What he said wasn't processing in my mind, as if it didn't make sense.

Then it did.

 _Eric._

I paled as I realized what he was saying.

 _No…_

"Who… who got hurt?" I asked in a fearful voice. I studied the teenager's face, hoping to get a hint as to what happened. He shook his head and rubbed at his arm awkwardly.

"I think you need to talk to Negan, Elle," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

I didn't even bother saying goodbye to him. I left the group in a haste and rushed up the stairwell. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me and my heart pounded loud in my ears.

When I reached Negan's room, I entered without knocking. He was sitting on his love-seat, but he wasn't relaxed like usual. He had a very serious expression on his face, and his head snapped over to see me come in and on instinct he reached for his bat. Simon was sitting across from him and turned to look at me.

"Elle-" Negan began to say, but I cut him off.

"What happened?" I asked, looking from each man, desperate to get some answers.

"I'm in the middle of a briefing," Negan chided, "I'll talk to you when I'm done."

"Are Eric and Naomi okay?" I asked, ignoring Negan and turning my attention on Simon. The mustached man wouldn't meet my gaze. The usual smile on his face was missing and he looked bleak. I began to feel sick.

"Simon, please," I begged, taking a step towards him. "Please tell me they're okay."

There was a chilling silence. Then Simon looked right at me with a deep frown.

"Everyone's dead."

I furrowed my brow as if I didn't hear him correctly, but the grim expression on his face told me he wasn't joking.

"But Eric…" I whispered, a look of shock on my face.

"He's gone, Elle." Negan said solemnly.

 _No._

 _Please no._

My knees felt weak, and I clutched onto the back of Simon's chair in order to keep myself from collapsing to the ground.

"What about Naomi?" I asked in a fearful voice. My bottom lip began to quiver as I waited to hear the answer I already knew.

"She's dead. They're all dead." Simon said low. "A group attacked the outpost late last night. They tried being stealthy, but someone managed to sound the alarm. One of our lieutenants, Paula, had hostages this morning, but we've lost contact with them. The men we sent as backup haven't reported in either."

I could hear him clear as day, and I understood every word he was saying, but none of it made any sense. I suddenly couldn't breathe. Simon continued to speak, but his voice became garbled as I stared off into space.

Eric—my friend, and Abby's father, was dead.

And Naomi—who had always been so good to me, was dead too.

 _'I'll make sure he stays out of trouble.'_

I remembered her kind smile as she promised to watch over Eric for me. Tears welled up into my eyes as the realization two more people I cared about were gone.

Simon was still talking when I spoke over him.

"How did it happen?" My voice cracked as I began to cry. A short silence followed and then I finally turned to look at Negan.

"You don't need the details," he said dismissively. When he wouldn't answer me, I looked back at Simon. He was staring down at his hands and had a guilty expression on his face.

"How did they die, Simon?" I asked as tears rolled down my cheeks. Simon took a deep breath and then looked back up at me.

"They were stabbed in the head while they slept."

I closed my eyes and felt my whole body start to shake.

 _This can't be real._

Eric was supposed to come home that day. He was supposed to see Abby. He was looking forward to it. She needed her dad. She already lost her mom. She couldn't lose him too.

 _He can't be dead._

I was standing there with tears falling down my face when Negan stood up from the love-seat.

"Get the fuck on it, Simon," he ordered.

"Yes, boss."

As his left-hand man exited the room, I brought a hand up to cover my mouth and stared in horror at the far wall. Negan came over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, steering me in the direction of the couch.

"Sit down, Elle."

I slowly looked up at him with wide, tear-filled eyes, but refused to sit.

"Who did this?"

"I'm fucking handling it."

I hated that he wasn't being upfront with me about what happened. My sadness quickly transformed into anger, and I pulled away from his grasp.

"Is it the same group that blew up your men?" I demanded to know.

"Fuck…Maybe? I don't know yet, Elle." He tried to guide me to the couch again, but I yanked my arm away.

"They wouldn't attack unprovoked. What did you do?" I began to shout through my tears. "What the FUCK did you do, Negan?!"

"It doesn't FUCKING matter!" he bellowed. "Will you just sit down!? You're in shock!"

"It's one of your communities, isn't it? You pushed them too far, and now they're fighting back." I shoved against his chest, but he didn't budge. "You sent Eric to that compound! You sent him to DIE!" I began to sob as I pushed against him. I was so angry in that moment. With Negan—with the whole fucking world.

Everyone I cared about ended up dead. Eric had gone to Simon's compound to help. He was trying to do right by Negan, and it ultimately got him killed.

Now—just like Amy, he was gone.

I broke down crying, covering my face with my hands as I completely lost it. Somehow this was worse. I knew Simon wouldn't lie, but unlike Amy, I didn't see Eric die. He just didn't exist anymore, as if he was wiped away in a single instant. I'd spent all day waiting for him to arrive, excited to see that cheerful smile he always got when looking at Abby.

I knew I'd never see that smile again.

Negan wrapped his arms around me the second I stopped shoving him. I buried my face against his chest as he pulled me into an embrace, and I began to wail.

"He was supposed to come home!" I bawled, clutching onto Negan. "Abby's lost both her parents now."

Negan held me close as I sobbed into his shirt.

"I'm sorry, Elle."

He sounded despondent, and I realized what this meant for him. I lost Eric and Naomi, but Simon's compound was filled with other people. All the Sanctuary members gathered downstairs lost their loved ones. They were all mourning their friends and family. Negan had been responsible for every single one of them.

"I'm gonna fix this," he whispered, petting the back of my head. "I'll make them fucking pay."

"How?" I asked, stepping out of his arms to look up at his face. When he didn't answer, I frowned. "Eric told me about the pictures at the outpost. Are you gonna beat them all the death with your bat?"

He turned his head to the side and clenched his jaw.

"Elle.."

"We can talk to them."

Negan faced me again and his eyes widened, looking at me as if I was insane.

"It's way too fucking late for talking."

"You showed Greenbrier mercy and gained men. Loyal men." I argued through my sniffling.

"Yeah, only after I beat King Mallrat to death. I should have killed him sooner. You almost got hurt."

"Not everyone is like Derek. This group has a leader. Maybe we can talk to him or her. If they'd be willing to just sit down with us, we could work something out."

"Like we did with Derek?" Negan asked sardonically.

I didn't know how to respond to that. He was challenging me, pointing out I was only preparing to repeat history. Negan had almost died because I led him into Doveport to try and work out negotiations with Greenbrier. Derek hadn't followed my rules.

When I didn't say anything, Negan continued.

"Why the fuck would you want to compromise with the people who killed Eric?"

"Because revenge hasn't gotten us anywhere! I beat Adam to death and it didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I hate them for taking Eric away from me…from Abby…But we have to be careful in how we move forward, for her sake. You've bullied these people too far, and you're going to continue to pay the price…."

"I'm not paying for shit." He cut me off and stared at me sternly. "This is my world now, and they're about to learn who's really in charge."

"How long until they find the Sanctuary?" I challenged. "How long until all these little communities band together to take you out?"

Negan opened his mouth, but then stopped himself. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath. I knew I sounded crazy; I was defending the people who murdered Eric, but if we wanted to survive, we needed to be careful. Negan was making too many enemies, and because of it, we were all in danger.

When he looked back at me, I could tell his mind was made up.

"I know you want to show mercy, but it's that fucking kind-heart of yours that's cost you everything. You let Caleb into the school. You befriended Derek and you trusted him. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and these stupid pricks just ate a lot of my fucking dogs."

"Is that what Eric was to you? A dog?" I furrowed my brows at him and his ugly choice of words. "Is that all we are to you?"

Negan sighed in frustration. "I know Eric was important to you. That's exactly why we need to fight back. I can end this."

I can't explain it, but for a split second, I felt a huge sense of dread. If was as if I had a glimpse into the future—and it wasn't pretty.

"No, Negan," I whispered, as tears began to fall down my face again. At the sight of me crying, he offered his arms out to me. I let him hold me again and closed my eyes."I think this is just the beginning."

This group was going to cause hell for us; I could feel it.

"Abby can't get in the middle of this." I whispered in a broken voice.

"She won't. I fucking swear it, Elle. I'll keep you both safe." He spoke with such conviction. I couldn't help but continue to picture Eric in the back of my mind's eye.

Then I realized I'd said something similar to Amy not so long ago…

 _"We are going to be okay,"_ I'd said, trying to reassure her. I'd just betrayed her trust and told Negan she was pregnant, and she was so angry with me. I was trying to make her feel better. I wanted her not to worry.

 _"You can't promise that, Elle."_

As if the memory summoned her, I suddenly saw Amy. She was standing in Negan's room, across the way. Her red hair was pulled back in its usual ponytail, and she was looking right at me with wide eyes.

She was crying.

Eric wasn't with her.

I wondered if they'd find each other, or if they'd spend the rest of eternity searching. Or maybe these spirits I kept seeing didn't exist and they were erased from the earth forever.

Meeting Amy's eyes, I felt hollow as I answered Negan.

"You can't promise that."


	49. Chapter 49: Love Marks

The days after Eric's death blended together. I spent most of my time laying in bed, staring at the radio sitting on my nightstand, wanting so badly for it to hiss to life and to hear his voice again. Losing both him and Amy was too much.

When Abby wouldn't sleep, I told her stories about her mom and dad. I told her about meeting them at the grocery store—about the laughter and smiles we shared—about the good times. I knew she was too young to understand, but talking about Amy and Eric helped me cope. I only had my memories to keep them alive.

Negan must have been worried for me because every night after Simon's compound was attacked he brought me dinner. We sat in silence that first night, eating our salads, until I broke down crying. I could tell my emotional outbursts made him uncomfortable, but he never left me alone. That night he curled up in my bed and wrapped his arms around me. We didn't have sex, but it was the first time in a long time that we were close. I didn't give a damn about his wives or my ultimatum. I just wanted to be held as I cried my eyes out.

I knew I'd have to learn to move on, but I felt stuck in the past. I was losing all of the people who'd been with me since the beginning. The girl living out of a grocery store was long gone, but Doveport was in the past too.

If I wasn't a leader, who was I?

During the day, I tried to keep busy. Keeping track of points and taking care of Abby were my only responsibilities, and I put all my focus into doing those tasks. Vivienne suggested we have a funeral for Eric, but I didn't see a point. I was sick of crying, and there weren't that many of us left to mourn him.

Negan was getting more and more frustrated having to deal with his new enemies. He refused to update me on what was happening, but I caught bits and pieces of conversations between him and Simon. The community was called Alexandria, and the Saviors were trying to find out where it was located. I didn't want to know what he was planning because a small part of me wanted revenge. Another part just wanted the violence to end.

It was early one morning when Negan knocked on my bedroom door and entered just as I finished changing Abby.

"I need you to come on a trip with me," he said simply. I snapped the buttons of Abby's jumper back in place and picked her up.

"What about Abby?" I asked, resting her against my hip.

"Viv's gonna watch her."

Letting out a sigh, I met his gaze. He was watching me, waiting for my answer. Lately, he'd been looking at me like I was a ticking time bomb ready to go off in a fit of tears at any moment.

"Where are we going?" I asked cautiously.

"It's a surprise."

I eyed him suspiciously. I hadn't left the Sanctuary in over a month, not since Amy's death. Whatever he had in mind intrigued me, but also made me very hesitant.

"Maybe you should focus on finding Alexandria," I muttered, putting my back to him.

"Simon's on it," he said. "Please? I promise it'll be fuckin' worth it."

That peaked my curiosity. There was almost an act of desperation in his request, and I couldn't help but wonder where he wanted to take me. Doveport was out of the question—Charlotte was probably making a home there and never wanted to see us again.

"Okay," I agreed.

"Meet me downstairs in ten minutes."

* * *

After bringing Abby to Vivienne, I grabbed a hoodie and went out to the lot where all the trucks were parked. Negan was waiting for me, leaning against a pickup, sporting his leather jacket and red scarf with Lucille resting on his shoulder. I got inside the passenger side and he into the driver's. I noticed a cooler in the backseat and Negan caught my gaze.

"Lunch," he mumbled, pulling the truck out of the yard. I watched the factory as we drove away and hoped Abby wouldn't be too much trouble for Vivienne. The little girl was just starting to get over her cold.

We drove for almost two hours and Negan was unusually quiet. He was almost tense, and fidgeted a lot more. I caught him glancing over at me a few times, but he'd look away the moment we made eye contact.

"You okay?" I asked, staring at him, concerned.

"Fuckin' peachy." He glued his eyes on the road and gripped the steering wheel tight. I considered bringing it up again, but didn't.

I was tired and considered sleeping during the drive, but I was too interested to see where we'd end up. I watched out the windows at the walkers we passed lumbering down the road and through the overgrown grass decorating the fields. Without people tending to the land, mother nature was beginning to reclaim the earth. I wondered if humanity would someday overcome the threat of the living dead, or if eventually humans would die out. I hoped for Abby's sake we would find a way to survive.

After a while, we came to a parking lot and Negan pulled up to a building I recognized. It was the sporting good store. I noticed the windows were now covered by what looked like black sheets. There weren't any walkers nearby, and the bodies that had been there months before were now gone. Negan opened his truck door and got out, taking the cooler with him. When I didn't get out right away, he came around the other side of the truck and opened my door.

"Are we playing pingpong again?" I asked in a tired voice. I really wasn't in the mood for games.

"Humor me," he said, offering his hand. I took it and he helped me out of the truck.

We walked up to the entrance and Negan took out his keyring to unlock the door. As I stepped in, the room was very dark and I blinked a few times trying to see. Negan set Lucille down near the door and locked the doors behind us. As I was squinting into the darkness, suddenly the area lit up.

The overhead lights were still off, and in their place were little string lights, hanging from the ceiling and decorating the walls with a soft, golden glow. I noted the ping pong table was still there, and so were the couches, but now there was also a large king size bed set up near the lounge area. I smirked at the bed illuminated by the dim lights and shook my head in disbelief.

"If you brought me here just to get laid…" I said, turning to face him, but then froze. My breath caught in my throat as I did not find him standing, but he was down on his knees staring up at me. I couldn't think. He looked vulnerable, but resolute.

"Negan…" I whispered, alarmed. I thought I knew what he was doing, but he smirked when he saw the fear in my face.

"I'm not fucking proposing, so you don't have to look so fuckin' scared." He smirked as he spoke, but I heard something strange in his voice. Through his hubris, I could tell he was nervous. "Simon said the stupid twinkle lights would be a nice touch, but I don't know shit about this romantic crap…"

"I don't understand," I said in a quiet voice. If he wasn't proposing, then why the hell was he down on the floor?

"Fuck, I suck at this kind of shit. I just… I need you to fuckin' know… I just wanted to…." He looked away and wiped at his face, smiling a bit. "Let me start over…"

I stared down at him confused and waited for him to continue. It was as if his cocky demeanor was nonexistent and suddenly replaced by a false sense of confidence. He licked his lips and then met my gaze, looking determined.

"I've been a brainless fucking ignorant piece of fucking shit. I'm sorry. I'm so fuckin' sorry, Elle. I've taken you for granted, but not anymore…" He swallowed, but didn't look away. "I'm leaving them. I'm leaving my wives."

I thought I might be dreaming as I stared down at him with wide eyes. I would have believed it was all in my head if Negan hadn't reached out right then to take my hand into his. Through his touch, I knew I was awake.

"After Lucille died, I had nothing and no one. Every time I cared about someone, I ended up losing them so I didn't see a fucking point. Then you came into my life and you turned everything upside down. I didn't think I could feel this way again…I didn't think I _deserved_ to feel this way…And when I realized what was happening, it fucking terrified me. It still terrifies me. But I'm so fucking sick of running….of not being there for you when you need me….of not being able to say…"

His grip on my hand tightened and he paused, for only a few seconds, and then…

"I love you, Elle. I need you to fucking know that. I love you."

It was something we'd avoided—something I never thought I'd hear him say. Those three silly little words that were saved for sappy moments in movies. And there I was, having a sappy little moment all of my own.

But it didn't feel sappy. It felt genuine.

I stood there, frozen in place, not knowing what to say. What could I say? This completely took me off guard. I knew the right thing to do was say it back, but I couldn't find my voice. My mind raced a mile a minute as I tried to think.

 _I love him._

That wasn't in question. I'd fallen for him a long time ago. And that moment was the perfect time to tell him that I felt the same way he did. Through all the bullshit, I knew I loved this man. But as I stared down at him, I couldn't speak.

"I don't expect you to say it back, babe." He squeezed my hand again, reassuringly. "Not after I've been such a fucking prick. But if you give me a chance, I swear I'll prove it to you for the rest of our lives. If you'll let me. I'm going to rebuild society and I want you by my side every step of the way. We can make the Sanctuary into something good….I want to do good. For you. And for Abby. I'm sorry I couldn't save Momma Bear and Papa Bear, but I'm gonna keep you and that lil' Poptart safe. You have my word."

I was so caught up in what he was saying, I didn't even realize I'd started crying. Negan became concerned as tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Fuck, babe. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He got up from the ground and cupped my face, wiping at my tears with his thumbs. His confession scared me, but if he was willing to do better and try to be a better person, that's all I could ask for. Giving him an ultimatum had been hard, and I really didn't expect he would choose me.

Smiling through my tears, I reached up and kissed him.

"Thank you," I whispered against his lips.

He tried to pull me in again for another kiss, but I stepped back out of his reach and smiled suggestively at him. This promise to be faithful had me wanting him for than ever. I began backing up towards the bed and Negan chuckled darkly.

"Where are you going?" he drawled, staying where he was. He was no longer nervous and I could see the cocky expression returning to his face. I reached for the zipper of my hoodie and pulled it off, not answering him. "I thought sex was off the table…"

I sat down on the bed and cocked an eyebrow at him. "It was very presumptuous to have a bed brought in. Was that Simon's idea too?" I laid my hand flat on the mattress and gilded it over the comforter. Negan had a hungry look in his eye as he watched me touch the bed.

"Simon wanted you to have options."

"How very thoughtful of him." I grinned.

I continued to glide my hand across the bed. The sexual tension was thick, but neither of us made a move.

"Take your shirt off," he suddenly said in a low voice.

"Hmm?" I asked, unable to hide my smile.

"You fuckin' heard me. Take it off." He was trying to act serious, but I could see a hint of a smile as he said it. I pretended to ignore him, feeling the cool bedding. Finally I turned to look at him.

"You first."

He held my gaze for a long time, neither of us moving. Then, keeping eye contact, Negan reached up and pulled the red scarf away from his neck. Tossing it down, he moved painfully slow as he unzipped his leather jacket. I bit my lip and stared as he removed it and then pulled his t-shirt over his head. He kicked off his black boots and took off his belt. Finally, he removed his pants and was left in only his boxer briefs. I made no effort to hide the fact I was ogling him and his growing erection that was starting to show. He grinned as he saw me studying his half naked form.

"Your turn," he said with a sly smile.

I shook my head no, still smirking.

He began to close the distance between us, slowly walking over to the bed.

"Why do you have to play so hard to get?" he asked, reaching me. I didn't move as he placed two arms on either side of me and leaned in to look me in the eye.

"You've already got me," I said as my eyes went down to his lips. Instead of kissing me, he hooked his fingers underneath my shirt and slowly began to lift it up. We held gazes until I couldn't see him as the shirt was pulled over my head.

Once I was free of my top, Negan gently pushed me down onto the bed. I smiled as he crawled over to cover me with his body. Finally, he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. I felt the burn of his beard as he left little love bites down my neck and across my collar bone. He smiled against my skin—a devilish grin that caused a warmth to stir within me.

"I fucking missed you, Elle…" he breathed. I reached up to cup his face and look into his eyes. It wasn't that we'd been apart—but there had been a wall between us. Right then, it was as if it was being torn down.

"I missed you too," I admitted as I gazed at him through my eyelashes. His mouth find mine again and I melted into his kiss. Wrapping an arm around his neck, I pulled him closer, needing to feel more of him.

Catching him off guard mid-kiss, I rolled over to be on top and straddled him. He stared up at me in amusement, and then wrapped his arms around my back. He moved into a sitting position and I wrapped my arms around his head as he began to unhook my bra.

"I could kiss every inch of you," he said with a growl. His mouth found mine again and then he began to kiss down my neck and towards my breasts. My bra fell away and was tossed to the side just as his mouth found one of my nipples. I cried out, clutching out to the back of his hair as my cheeks reddened. The action only seemed to egg him on, as he moved onto my other breast. Overly sensitive, I squirmed, needing so much more.

When he stopped to gaze up at me, we drank each other in. Lust blown eyes and expressions of want were painted across our faces. He placed his hands on the hem of my jeans and I closed my eyes as he unzipped them. His hand moved down the front of my pants and he gently rubbed a finger against my folds. My mouth opened slightly and I gasped at the feeling, and then rolled my hips, needing more of the delicious friction. I grinded against his hand for a bit, building my arousal.

I was close to reaching my peak when he stood up and laid me back down onto the bed. He tugged at my jeans, pulling them away along with my panties and exposed my entire body to him. Lifting my foot, he kissed the top of it and began leaving a trail of kisses up my leg. I held my breath as he passed my knees and reached my thighs. Just as he reached my heat, he stopped.

Thrusting upwards, I let out a whine, needing so much more.

"Patience, baby…" he whispered, rubbing his scruff against my inner thigh, making me tremble. I felt his nose near my soaking mound, but still, he teased me.

I was about to beg him to stop dragging it out when I let out a loud gasp. His tongue delved into my entrance. I clutched the bed sheets tightly as he parted my lips and flicked his tongue against me. He took his time, moving painfully slow. I lifted my hips and he took the hint, speeding up his movements, sucking and nipping hungrily. I threw my head back and dissolved into ecstasy as he brought me over the edge within a matter of minutes.

He softly rubbed the side of my leg as I came down from my high. Laying back against the pillows, trying to catch my breath, I watched over my heaving breasts as he climbed back onto the bed and over me, sans his boxer briefs. His erection rubbed up against my inner thigh and I suddenly felt nervous. It was like that first time all over. The anticipation was palpable. Though I'd been through so much heartache and pain in recent days, I could escape from all of it.

If only for a minute. I'd just let him take me away.

Negan's mouth found the base of my neck and he sucked against it softly. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Then, he slid into me and I let out a cry of pleasure.

We moved together; a harmonic rhythm that came from knowing the other. With each thrust he made, I met him with a roll of my hips. I didn't even hear our moans as they filled the large room, or hear him whispering little nothings against my skin, telling me how good I felt and how beautiful I was. I was too focused on the sensation of him filling me up—too enamored with it all.

Because it was love.

 _We were making love._

I wasn't just a fling.

I was his, and he was mine.

No more pain.

 _Just love._

He lifted his head to gaze down at me and our eyes met. I smiled a bit as I took in his handsome face and tears filled my eyes. My emotions got the best of me, but before I could cry, he leaned down and gently kissed me. I clutched onto him tightly and deepened the kiss. We stayed like that—him burying himself deep inside me, thrusting in and out, until he slowed his movements. I clenched around him, succumbing to the bliss just as he came inside me.

When he pulled out, I was staring up at the ceiling of the store, gasping for breath. Negan rolled over to my side and laid on his back next to me. We both remained there in silence for a few minutes, basking in the aftermath. When I finally turned my head, I found him looking at me.

"I love you," he whispered.

I smiled at him.

"I-" I began to answer him when I was cut off by a loud hissing noise.

We both glanced over to where it had come from—Negan's pants. The sound rang out again and I realized it was his radio. A muffled voice said something that I couldn't quite make out. Negan groaned as I sat up to go get the radio.

"Fuckin' leave it," he grumbled, burying his face into one of the pillows. I laughed and rolled my eyes at his dramatics.

"It could be important!" I said, as I kicked my legs over the side. Right before I could stand up, Negan wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back onto the bed.

"Negan!" I laughed, as he nuzzled into me and pulled me against him. Fighting against his hold, I managed to escape long enough to stumble off the bed and rush over to grab the radio.

"Boss?" Simon's voice came through as I made my way back over to the bed and crawled in next to him. I gave Negan a warning look as I pressed the talk button.

"Hey, Simon. It's Elle," I said. Negan smirked deviously at me and then disappeared underneath the bed sheets. I felt him slowly start to kiss my abdomen, causing me to shiver.

"Hello, Elle," Simon greeted me and I could hear he was in a good mood. "Is Negan there?"

I bit my lip as I felt his nose rub up against my inner thigh.

"Umm…. he's a little busy at the moment…" I said with a sly smile. "Can I take a message?"

There was a short silence and then the radio hissed again.

"Tell him it's about Alexandria."

Negan re-appeared from under the sheets and snatched the radio out of my hand. I raised an eyebrow in surprise, as he pressed the talk button.

"What the fuck's going on?" he asked.

"Dwight did good. He captured four of them, and I finally met their leader, Rick. He's a cocky son of a bitch. They're trying to get to the Hilltop, but we've set up roadblocks on every route."

"Excellent." A sinister smile spread across his face and I frowned. I hated to be reminded of that side of him after being so intimate.

"What do you want us to do, boss?" Simon asked.

"I want their leader," Negan replied instantly. I placed my hand on his arm, causing him to look at me.

"Don't hurt them."

Negan took his finger off the talk button and gave me a stern look.

"This fucker killed Eric. He killed our people, Elle," he argued.

"You can talk to him. You can make it work. Please."

Negan stared at me for a long time. I could see he was conflicted. Then pressed the talk button, still keeping eye contact with me.

"Fuck with them a little longer, but no one dies. I want to talk to this Rick the Prick."

"You got it," Simon replied. "I'll keep you updated."

Negan set the radio off to the side, ending the conversation.

"Really?" I asked, staring at him surprised. I couldn't believe he wasn't going to let Simon kill any of them.

"I'd do anything for you," he responded. I knew from the look on his face he was serious. Reaching up to touch his face, I pulled him in to kiss him again. He met my lips briefly and then his mouth moved down past my breasts and back to my stomach.

"Shouldn't we start heading back?" I asked through a giggle as he disappeared under the bed sheet.

"Hell no," he said as he nuzzled against my abdomen. "You have my full fuckin' attention. And you always will."

* * *

A while later, Negan finally let me get out of bed. We got dressed and ate the sandwiches he'd packed for us. I commented on the lack of BLTs, and he promised he'd make it up to me. I was just zipping up my hoodie when I heard a strange sound. Negan and I both looked up and over to the door. Going over to the window, Negan pulled back one of the black sheets to look outside and his face turned grim.

"Fuck…"

Going over to him, I peeked out the window and gasped.

There were walkers everywhere.

The parking lot had to have at least twenty of them, and they were all wandering around aimlessly. I tensed up as I watched them, and then Negan let the sheet fall to cover the window.

"We're okay," he said, trying to reassure me. "Just stay behind me and we'll get to the truck." He grabbed Lucille, who was sitting near the door and held her out. "She'll keep us safe."

Nodding, I was preparing myself to make a run for the truck when I glanced over to the aisles. Going back into the store, I walked up and down a few until I found what I was looking for. Reaching up to where it was hanging, I pulled down a large metal bat.

Going back over to Negan, he grinned wide at me and then got a serious look on his face.

"Be careful."

When he opened the door, I watched as every head turned to face us. Each walker realized we were there and then started making their way over to us. Negan went right up to the closest one and swung Lucille, bringing her crashing into its skull and sending it toppling to the ground. We'd parked fairly close to the store, and there weren't that many walkers in our way.

Bringing up my bat, I hit a walker that was reaching out to grab me. Knocking it down, I glanced over to see Negan had two coming up on him, but he swiftly killed them both. In a matter of seconds, I reached the truck and opened the passenger side with plenty of time to spare before the closest walker could reach me. Looking back over, I watched as the majority of the walkers advanced on Negan. He swung like a madman, cussing and demanding they try harder. I was just about the close the passenger side door when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

There was another group of walkers coming from around the corner of the building, advancing on him from behind.

"Negan!" I called, getting out of the truck and watching frightened. He was too preoccupied with the other walkers that he didn't even hear the horde quickly approaching. Knocking down a walker that was almost to me, I wielded my bat and sprinted over to him. They were almost to him and I watched in horror as one reached out to try and bite him.

I swung with all my might and brought the metal bat right into the creature's side, sending it toppling to the ground. Just as it fell, I felt a bony hand grab my ankle and I went down on top of the walker I'd just knocked over. The metal bat fell out of my hands and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Wincing, I pushed myself up and kicked the advancing walker away. Grabbing for my bat, I quickly finished it off before it could get back up.

Next thing I knew, Negan was grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the truck. Everything was a wir as the walkers advanced on us, but he opened the driver's side door, motioning for me to crawl in. I did so automatically, panting and wide-eyed.

Once in my seat, I stared forward in shock. Negan got into the driver's side door and put the truck into drive, pulling away just as the walkers reached it. He let out a loud laugh as we drove away.

"Holy fuck, that was insane!" he exclaimed, slapping the steering wheel. "I bet those fuckers heard you moaning and hoped to get a little view. You shouldn't be so loud, babe."

My heart was pounding so loud, I could barely hear him. Negan was watching the road, and while his eyes were off me, I glanced down the front of my hoodie to look at the blood seeping through my shirt.

I'd been bitten.

Negan had been in trouble and I'd rushed over to save him. I had shoved the walker off him, but when I'd fallen, it had sunk its teeth deep into my flesh right above my left breast. I turned to look out the window and willed myself not to cry.

There was only one thing going through my head over and over again…

My promise to Amy.

* * *

We reached the Sanctuary two hours later and I felt as if I was going to burn up. I knew the fever had definitely started to set in and could feel sweat forming on my brow. Negan led me to my bedroom and didn't seem aware of my situation.

"I'm gonna give your room away, if that's alright with you. Figure you'll be bunking with me from now on…" He reached up to touch my face and I smiled a bit and nodded. A look of concern came over him and he stepped forward. "Are you feeling okay, babe? You're warm as hell and you look like you're cookin' inside that damn hoodie of yours."

"I'm fine," I said, stepping away from him. "I better go get Abby."

"Alright. Bring her crib and we'll set it up there too." He smiled one more time at me and then walked off.

I quickly hurried into my bedroom and then removed my hoodie. Looking down at my blood stained shirt, I carefully pulled it over my head to study the bite. The teeth marks were prominent and very deep. I fell back onto my bed and stared off into nothing.

 _I'm going to die…_

My life didn't flash through my eyes. I just felt scared. I didn't have much time left, but there was so much that needed to get done. I'd promised Amy that I'd take care of Abby. How the hell was I going to do that now? I'd fucked up. I had hours, at best… and I needed to think of something.

Then it hit me.

Grateful my mind was still functioning, I swallowed the lump in my throat and dried my eyes. Pulling on a clean shirt, I tossed the blood stained one onto my bed and headed for Vivienne's room.

I knocked only once and heard her call for me to come in. Opening the door, I forced a big smile as I watched her rocking Abby in her arms.

"I hope you two had fun," she said, smiling at me. "She's been sleeping a lot today."

"Thank you for watching her." I took Abby into my arms and winced a bit as she was pressed against the throbbing wound on my chest. Vivienne cocked an eyebrow as I took the baby from her.

"Are you alright, Elle?" she asked in concern.

"I'm fine," I said, keeping that same smile on my face. I had the urge to cry, but I fought it with all my might.

"Are you sure, sweetheart? You don't look very good…" Vivienne reached out and placed an arm on my shoulder and I nodded, trying my best to be convincing. "Honey, you're burning up…"

"Yep. I'm just… I'm really glad I met you, Viv." I lost my battle and a tear fell down my face. Vivienne's eyes widened.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

I shook my head and turned from her. I didn't have time for proper goodbyes, but Vivienne was one of the last surviving members of Doveport. She'd been such a good friend to me, and I hoped she would forgive me for what I was about to do.

"I'm not feeling too good, but I'm fine. I'm gonna go lay down. Goodnight, Viv."

"Okay…" Vivienne didn't sound too sure. I felt guilty I wasn't being honest with her, but I wasn't sure she'd understand. The Sanctuary needed her now.

I raced back to my bedroom and shut the door. Packing up all the baby supplies I could, I grabbed the diaper bag and then went over to the closet. I pulled out a small car seat and huffed as I dragged it out. Then, I went over to my dresser and opened it. Picking up my Ruger, I checked to make sure it had some bullets and then tucked it into the back of my pants.

Setting Abby into the car seat, I stared down at where she was sleeping peacefully, binky in her mouth. I took a few deep breaths and then pulled on the backpack. Hefting the car seat, I took both it and the diaper bag and headed out of my room.

Moving carefully down the stairs, I passed by a few Saviors who gave me a stern look. I ignored them and hurried by as fast as I could with the heavy car seat. I felt weaker than usual, but I ignored it and lugged Abby and the supplies outside.

Going over to the truck Negan and I had just driven, I noticed Brandon was gassing it up. I took a few deep breaths and then approached him. Setting the car seat gently on the ground, I pulled out my Ruger and aimed it at looked up just in time to see me point the gun at him and his eyes grew wide in fear. Before he could reach for his gun I cocked my mine.

"Drop it," I ordered. He took it out slowly and then let it fall to the ground. Raising his hands up in surrender, he looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. Maybe I had. "Put the car seat in the truck and buckle it in." I ordered, still holding him at gunpoint.

"Elle… I don't know what's going on…" he started to say, but I took a few steps forward and narrowed my eyes at him.

"Now!" I bellowed. Brandon nodded and then scurried over to the car seat. Hoisting up Abby, he carried it over and set it into the back. I waited for him to put the seat belt through the plastic dividers. Once Abby was properly buckled in, he slowly stepped out from the truck and I shut the door.

"Keys," I demanded, holding out my hand. Brandon reached into his pocket and gave them to me. Once I had them I motioned to the gate. "Open it."

"You're gonna regret this," he said, as if he was trying to convince me to stop.

"I really doubt it," I muttered. Brandon did as he was told and went over to open the gate. Getting into the driver's side, I turned on the truck engine and quickly sped out of the Sanctuary yard.

Looking into the rear view mirror, I watched as the factory became smaller and smaller.

I knew Brandon was going to alert Negan as to what had just occurred.

But none of that mattered.

I had a promise to keep.


	50. Chapter 50: Elle

"Where are you going, Elle?" A male voice caused me to jump and I swerved a bit in the road. Getting my bearings, I glanced over my shoulder into the backseat of the truck where I'd heard the voice, but the only one there was Abby. Looking back at the road, I focused on my breathing. I was so close, but I wasn't sure if I'd make it. My head felt heavy, my skin was starting to pale and I felt like I was on fire.

"Seriously, where is she going?" The voice asked again, and I glanced in the rear-view mirror, finally catching sight of the speaker. Eric looked just as he had before—his brown hair was neatly combed and he was looking down at the car seat where Abby was. I focused on the road and tried to ignore his ghostly form.

"She's doing right by us." Someone else spoke, and I looked into the mirror again. Amy was on the other side of the car seat and was smiling down at her daughter. I stared at the two of them for a few seconds before focusing on the road.

"I'm so glad you found each other," I said quietly.

Suddenly a figure appeared next to me and I looked over to see Philip. He had a grim expression on his face as he stared right at me, but didn't say anything. He didn't have to. We both knew I had very little time left.

I stepped on the gas, and in less than hour I reached a familiar road and an all-too familiar gate. Pulling right up to it, I turned off the truck and hopped out. Taking out my Ruger, I aimed up and fired two shots. Then I waited.

After a while, the gate slowly opened. Charlotte was peeking out carefully and when she saw me her eyes narrowed.

"You need to leave, Elle," she said. A gun barrel emerged in my face, but I ignored it and took a step forward.

"Charlotte, please… hear me out…," I begged. She didn't look convinced and gripped the gate, ready to close it.

"Don't come back here or I will kill you." She went to shut the metal door, but I grabbed it and dropped my pistol to the ground. With my freehand, I reached up and pulled my shirt part-ways down, showing her the bite mark in my skin. Her eyes widened in shock as she stared down at it. I clutched onto the gate, suddenly feeling very lightheaded.

"Please…" I whispered.

A look of sympathy came over her face. She paused a few seconds and then nodded. Breathing a sigh of relief, I turned from her and went to the truck. Hefting the car seat out, I almost stumbled back when I took the weight of it on me. I struggled to carry it over, but I managed to bring Abby past the threshold of the gate and into the walls of the school.

Charlotte looked down at the baby.

"Is that Amy and Eric's child?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered, meeting her gaze.

"What happened to them?"

I was relieved when Charlotte closed the gate and took the car seat from me.

"They're gone," I answered gravely.

Charlotte closed her eyes and simply nodded. "You better come in."

I glanced over to where my friends were buried and then to little garden that appeared to still have vegetation. Vivienne would like that. As we stepped into the school, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu . It still looked the same…but it wasn't. Doveport was made up of people, and they were gone now.

We headed down the hall and Charlotte guided me into the principal's office. I tried to ignore the guilt that began to build. I wondered if she knew that it was the room her brother died in. Doveport had been a safe haven to me, but to Charlotte, it was where she'd lost everything.

She rounded the desk and set Abby down on top of it. Then, she sat down in the principal's chair—a chair that had once been Philip's, and even had become mine at one point in time. I didn't sit, afraid I wouldn't be able to get back up, so I held onto the desk for support while I stood.

"I'm sorry," I said, meeting her eyes. "I'm sorry about your family and about your brother. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just know you shouldn't be alone. No one should have to be alone…" I stopped to take a few breaths and was surprised she was letting me speak. After catching my breath, I swallowed. "Derek told me…about your girls. You were a mom once…you've done this before…you know how to be a good mom."

"Where's Negan?" Charlotte asked suddenly and I frowned.

"He doesn't know I've been bitten. I need to get back to him. I need him to know I didn't leave…I just…I need to do this…"

I glanced down into the car seat at the little face that was now awake and staring up at me with curious eyes.

"Amy wanted her to be safe. Negan has made a lot of enemies, and I can't let her get caught up in all of it. I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to take care of her."

Charlotte stood up and looked into the car seat to study Abby. The binky fell out of the baby's mouth and she began to cry. I went to take her out of the car seat, but Charlotte beat me to it. She unbuckled her and picked her up. After bouncing her a little bit, Abby calmed down.

"How did Amy die?" she asked without looking up at me. I took shallow breaths and tried to ignore the memory of my dying friend.

"A walker got her."

 _Just like it got me…_

Charlotte stared at Abby as she answered my former question.

"Okay." She looked up from the baby and nodded. "I'll take care of her."

I smiled gratefully.

"Thank you, Charlotte."

I knew they would resent me for it, but I wanted to give Abby her best chance. It wasn't that Negan and Vivienne didn't care about Abby, I just knew she wasn't their main priority. Charlotte would raise her the way Amy would have wanted. No burned faces. No bashed in skulls. Abby would see horrible things in this new world, but she wouldn't have to see that side of Negan, or face the wrath of Alexandria.

"Please tell her that her mom and dad loved her more than anything. She was their entire world. And that they're proud of her."

Charlotte seemed to be taking in my words and I realized I was repeating what Amy had asked of me.

"Teach her how to survive, but also…please teach her to be kind. She needs to be able to protect herself, but she has to… show mercy. She needs to be good."

"I'll do my best," Charlotte said, looking down at Abby. She smiled wide as the baby giggled at her. I truly felt like I was doing the right thing. It was a lot to ask of Charlotte, but even in my dizzy state, I could tell her maternal instincts were strong.

I stepped forward, and stumbled a bit. Clutching onto the desk, I closed my eyes and willed myself to keep going. I wasn't done yet.

Opening my eyes, I found my vision was blurry. I focused my sight on Abby—her little rosy cheeks and big, beautiful eyes. Taking another step forward, I reached out my hand to her little one and felt her tiny fingers wrap around mine.

"Goodbye, Abby," I whispered, letting a few tears roll down my cheeks. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

She was a symbol of the future. A promise that tomorrow would still be there, even if I wouldn't.

I turned to go when Charlotte spoke.

"Elle…"

I faced her again and she smiled sympathetically at me.

"Thank you."

I wasn't sure if she was thanking me for trusting her with Abby or for helping her escape Negan. It didn't matter. I just smiled a little and nodded my head at her.

"Good luck."

As I walked out of the school, I stumbled as I went. I could barely see ahead of me and knew driving back to the Sanctuary was going to be impossible. As I crossed the yard and opened the gate, I saw there was a second truck parked next to the one I'd stolen. Stepping out of it, was Negan who had a scowl on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" he demanded. I clutched onto the metal door and swayed back and forth. "Where's Abby?!"

I was crying as he approached me.

"Please…let me do this," I pleaded.

"I know Charlotte's here, Elle. My men have had eyes on her for weeks now. Why the fuck are you bringing the baby to her?"

"Because your world isn't made for children, Negan!" I argued. "She needs to have a chance!"

"You want her to live here? Charlotte's just one fucking person, Elle. She'll be safer at the Sanctuary!" He had a bewildered look on his face. He didn't understand… I needed to make him understand…but I could barely hold myself up.

"You've made enemies…with the Alexandrians. They're not…going to stop. I don't want her to get hurt…" I felt a bead of sweat roll down from the side of my face as I clutched onto the gate for support. "I promised Amy…I would keep her safe, so that's what I'm doing. Charlotte was a mother. We took away….the last of her family. Abby lost her family too and…I don't want her to be alone…"

"She's not alone. She has you," he said. He was watching me confused, not understanding why I was doing what I was doing. I knew I couldn't put it off any longer, and as he watched me, I slowly brought a hand up to my shirt. Pulling it down, I revealed the walker bite.

Negan turned white as his eyes went to my chest. He zoned in on the bite and brought a hand up to his mouth in shock.

"No…" he whispered. "No…."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, as my knees began to shake. There was a throbbing pain in my head, and suddenly my legs fell out from under me.

Negan caught me just as everything went black.

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly and saw only the sky. The sun was setting and painted the sky in a soft orange a pink. My eyelids were heavy and my skin felt like it was on fire. I tilted my head a bit and realized I was on the ground laying against something. A few moments later, I turned to see a familiar leather jacket. I was laying against Negan. He had his arms wrapped around me and was holding me up against his chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I gasped for breath.

"I don't know what to do…" His voice came from above me. Looking up, I saw Negan's face. His hardened mask was gone. He was crying.

Reaching up, I brushed the tears away from his cheeks. My own hand felt so heavy. He looked down to see I was awake and began to cry harder.

"Elle…"

"It's gonna be okay…" I said in a quiet voice.

Negan's body shuddered and he brushed some hair away from my face. It was damp with sweat.

"I wanted so much more with you. We were going to rebuild things. Together. I can't lose you…" he choked back a sob and pressed his face into my hair. "I'm sorry…"

"It's not your fault…" I whispered. My voice sounded far away. There was still so much left to be said, but I knew I'd run out of time.

Turning my head, I looked over at the school. Though my vision was foggy, I could make out shapes standing by the front doors. I squinted, trying to see better and my heart swelled.

Philip, Amy, Eric, and Seth were all standing there, smiling warmly at me. Seeing them caused me to smile as much as I could. My whole body was weak and I could barely manage the gesture. I knew I had to be hallucinating, but I found comfort in seeing them one last time.

"I'm…home," I said, my voice was almost inaudible.

I was terrified to die, but maybe…just maybe…I'd be with them again.

Looking up at the sky, I stared at the beautiful colors. I took short, shallow breaths and felt my body relax against Negan's. It wasn't painful. I didn't feel warm anymore. It was almost as if I was going to sleep. I fought to keep my eyes open, not wanting to leave him just yet.

I tried to find my voice, needing to tell him one more thing, but I couldn't speak.

I felt a strange calmness start to come over me, and there was a sweet comfort in the feeling. Just as it began to pull me away, I heard Negan's voice.

"I love you."

 _I hope he knows I loved him too._

* * *

Epilogue

"I love you." My voice cracks as I say it, but I need her to hear it. When she doesn't reply, I glance down and watch her chest.

It's not moving.

Just like that—she's gone.

Leaning down, I press a kiss to her forehead. It's still warm, but she's no longer breathing. I wonder if she heard me. Does it even fucking matter? She's dead—just like Lucille—just like every single person I have ever given a fucking damn about.

I sit there on the ground holding her for a few long moments, knowing damn well she's going to turn. I don't want to see her like that, but I know I don't have much time.

My biggest regret has always been not putting Lucille down.

I won't make that mistake with Elle.

Taking out my knife, I stare down at her. She looks peaceful as she rests against my chest. I turn her head to the side, not wanting to ruin her beautiful face. Pressing the knife through her skull, I plunge it into her brain, reassuring she won't come back.

Pulling out the knife, I let it fall off to the side and hold her body in my arms, knowing she won't change. I stare down at her corpse and then begin to cry again. Hugging her to me, I don't want to get up. I don't want to leave her…

But it's not her anymore.

I watch as the sun finishes setting, holding her body as it loses its warmth. As the night sky takes form above my head, only then do I get up, leaving Elle's body on the ground. Charlotte is standing by the front doors holding Abby, watching me. She looks sympathetic, but doesn't approach. I know she hates me for what I did to her brother. Maybe this is fucking karma. Maybe this is what I deserve.

"Do you have a shovel?" I ask in an emotionless voice. Charlotte nods and disappears into the school. Glancing over at the graves of Elle's friends, I know I need to lay her to rest properly. She deserves that.

Charlotte brings me a shovel and I spend the next hour digging Elle's grave next to the others. As I work, I try not to look over at her corpse laying near the gate. Instead, my gaze goes to the parking lot where I'd first met her. She took charge, and did everything to try and protect her people.

I'd come to this community, planning on controlling it.

I never planned on her.

It takes a long time, but eventually I have a big enough spot dug. Picking up Elle's body which is now ice cold, I carry her over to the new grave and gently lay her down in it. I don't have a nice coffin, but I hope this will be enough.

Covering her in dirt, I watch as she disappears into the earth. Once the grave is filled, I drop the shovel and fall on my knees before her little spot of land. Charlotte approaches me cautiously, this time Abby isn't with her. I assume she's inside the school. I feel numb as I stare down at the fresh dirt.

"Negan…" Charlotte suddenly says, but trails off. There's nothing left to be said. She's gone.

Hanging my head down, I get to my feet and turn my back to her grave.

I can't look at it anymore.

"If you need anything, my men will get it for you…" I say low, walking towards the gate. Charlotte follows me as I go.

"Your men?" she asks, not understanding.

"I'll send them every week with supplies for you and the kid. You won't be harmed and can stay at the school."

Charlotte nods, but seems hesitant. I glance over at the school doors and want so badly to go inside and say goodbye to Abby, but I know it would be too difficult. I can't have anything to do with her life from this point on.

"I'm sorry," she says, stopping once we reach the gate. I continue on my way to the truck.

"Goodbye, Charlotte."

I don't drive away at first; I just stare down the road and want so badly to wake up from this hellish fucking nightmare. I'd been ready to give up my wives…to become something better for her. Now that she's dead, I feel lost.

Suddenly my radio hisses to life.

"Boss?" Simon's voice comes through.

I reach for my radio and bring it up to my face.

"What?" I snap, masking my sorrow with anger.

Simon pauses. He knows something is wrong, but he doesn't dare ask what. After a few seconds, he speaks.

"We've got these guys backed into a corner, but they think they're pulling a fast one on us. They've got one guy in the RV, but the others are trying to sneak to the Hilltop on foot. What do you want us to do?"

I narrow my eyes.

"Give me your coordinates. I'm on my way."

* * *

Standing alone inside the RV, I fix my red scarf around my neck and try to get my mind off Elle. I keep picturing her face, cold and dead in my lap. Then I remember the way she smelled—the way she would have fought me on this. I wished she would just fucking manifest right there and try to stop me, but I know she's gone.

 _Of course she's fucking gone…_

I need to make these people pay.

I step over to the little table where a machine gun is waiting for me. Once Simon lines them all up, I'll step out and gun them all down. It will be justice for my people.

Just as I lift the machine gun, my arm brushes against my side, and I feel something in my pocket. Reaching in, I take out the object and stare down at it…

The ping-pong ball.

Clutching my hand around it, I close my eyes and will the tears to stop. Now is not the fucking time. I can't afford to look so fucking weak—not in front of my men. But as I hold the little round object, I can't help but hear her voice inside my head…begging me to show mercy.

Maybe she was right—maybe showing mercy is the right thing to do—the good thing to do—but any ounce of goodness in me died and is buried back at that fucking school.

I'm still holding the ping-pong ball in my gloved hand when headlights flood the road. Glancing out the window, I watch as a group of people carrying a stretcher come out of the woods. Simon gathers up their weapons and then forces them onto their knees. I watch as he opens a truck to reunite them with their friends—the four others Dwight has captured.

All of them are shaking.

They look terrified.

 _Good._

 _They should be._

I hear Simon's voice muffed from inside the trailer.

"Let's meet the man…"

I set the machine gun down and instead grab my Lucille. I think about what I'm going to do, what I know has to be done.

It's a compromise, just for her—my version of mercy.

I can't spare them all. They still need to be punished.

She would have never liked it—but she's not here anymore.

I open the RV door and step outside, Lucille resting against my shoulder. I paint a smile on my face. It's showtime.

"Pissin' our pants yet?" I grin at them as I step forward, ignoring the weight of a little white ping-pong ball resting in my pocket. "Boy, do I have a feeling we're getting close."

 _THE END_


End file.
